What should I do?

What a way to start the year 😱 I am talking to two 👨 one I like as a man the other one I want him as my boyfriend with the possibility of becoming his wife. Let's call them James and John. James is the one I can see as a friend reason is I no longer have feelings for him because he took me for granted. Last night in the honor of V-day he wanted a relationship that should have been initiated by sex 😫. I stated my demands they are non negotiable. He then threw a tantrum and walked out.

I just know it, 2019 is THE year

For the longest time, I've wanted to make a tumblr account, but hell, it's sort of banned in my country, and suddenly it's not banned anymore, so hey I'm thrilled to be in this chaotic community :D

I like everything tbh, good anime and manga, MCU, nice video games like persona, cat, and sometimes I draw if I feel like it #shrugs

But honestly, I'm just your average I-can't-live-without-meme person so feel free to yell at me, no, YELL AT ME PLEASE

2018 was a year of ups and downs for me. In January I went back to college at Benedictine College to work towards my bachelors in sociology. I was working full-time at night and attending school full-time during the day. Exhausted doesn’t begin to describe it.

As busy as it was, I felt such a great sense of accomplishment everyday as I worked towards such a difficult goal. I enjoyed the classes I was taking and  the challenge excited me. Then everything changed. Cancer took that all from me. The excitement, the motivation, the incredible sense of accomplishment. With three words, that all was gone.

When I was no longer able to work or go to school, I lost my sense of purpose. I laid in bed for days and weeks feeling in credibly sorry for myself. I began to give up on myself, and to give up in life in general. During this time I was talking to a friend of mine about my younger sister who had recently moved to Arizona. I was talking about how proud I was of her for moving so far away to chase a dream. It was while we were talking that my friend suggested that maybe I should take a trip to visit her. My initial response was are you kidding? I can’t even get out of bed, let alone make a trip halfway across the country. But my friend told me that it would be good for me, to get away and see something new.

Suddenly I had a goal to work towards. I began pushing myself to get out of bed, even if just to walk around the house and get my own meals. In the beginning it was incredibly hard. I was extremely weak and couldn’t walk without a walker. But I kept pushing. Soon I graduated to using a cane, and finally I was able to walk short distances unassisted. I was so proud of myself. It’s amazing how much you take for granted in life until it’s gone.

In late November I had a hysterectomy to stop my body from producing the hormones that were feeding the tumor in my breast. While this surgery was incredibly necessary, I was a little sad because I figured my recovery would set my trip plans behind but I had a goal. I decided I wasn’t going to let something as minor as surgery stop me.

I pushed myself more and more each day. I became more active. I started driving again. Surprisingly enough, the more active I became, the pain that had become a part of my life began to fade. During my worst days I had been taking as many as 24 Percocets a day without relief. Suddenly I realized I was down to as few as four during a 24 hour period. Slowly I was taking back control of my life. Cancer wasn’t winning the war anymore. I was. The sense of pride I felt couldn’t compare to anything I had ever done before. I felt as though I had just won the Boston Marathon.

I had an appointment with my oncologist scheduled for December 10th. My goal had been to leave for Arizona the Wednesday following if my doctor felt I was healthy enough to go. He was so pleased to see the progress I had made since my first appointment when my pain was so bad that reduced to using a wheelchair because I was unable to walk. Now I was walking again and had actually driven myself so my husband didn’t need to miss a day of work. Much to my delight, my doctor told me he thought the trip would be great medicine for me.

Having received my oncologist’s blessing, I began to make the final arrangements to take the bucket list trip of a lifetime. I had considered flying into Phoenix to shorten my trip, but after much deliberation I decided that driving would offer me the opportunity to see more of the world and with no real time table in my head I planned to take my time and see what there was to see.

As I left Atchison on December 12 I began to have second thoughts. Would I be able to make such a long drive after being bedridden for so long and having only been getting up and around for such a short time? Would my back hold up to the strain of the trip? I was facing a 21 hour drive, the longest drive I had ever made in myself. I almost changed my mind many times as I set out for Arizona, but I kept telling myself I can do this.

The further along on my trip, the better I felt. For the first time in months, the weight of my stress and anxiety began to evaporate. With each mile I drove, a happiness and calm settled over me. Normally when I am driving I become so focused on the road that I miss everything around me. For the first time, I opened my eyes to everything around me taking in each little detail seeing the world with a childlike wonder.

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I had my first daughter two days before 19th birthday. I had spent my entire adult life caring for my children and had never really had the opportunity to travel. While my peers were traveling to Europe and going to college, I was changing diapers and burping babies. I had never really made it outside of the midwest and this was one of the few times I had ever taken a vacation that didn’t involve a soccer tournament. Normally those trips were rushed and there was very little time to relax and enjoy the sights around me.

The further I got from home, the more I saw all of the beauty in the world. As the miles passed, I began to believe in myself and for the first time I believed that cancer wasn’t going to beat me. I was going to fight with everything I had in me and I was going to live whatever life I had left no matter how long or short as though each day was my last. I decided that I refused to die with regrets.

When I reached the mountains of Arizona and my sister’s home, I was overwhelmed with everything I had seen. I was excited to see my sister, her husband, my adorable niece and my favorite floofer (code word for dog). I spent four days relaxing in the warm Arizona air, far from the cold of Kansas. The days with my sister were lazy and simple and incredibly calming. My mind was clear and free of worry over my future. I took each day as they came without thinking about whether cancer would beat me.

As my days with my sister came to a close I made the decision to head further west since I was only four hours from the sandy beaches of San Diego. I was amazed as each mile passed and I drove through the mountains and palm trees. I was amazed by the mild weather and when I reached San Diego  I fell in love with the sights all around me. I walked through the beautiful winter wonderland of Balboa Park at night, and dipped my toes in the ocean during the day. I enjoyed the tastes of authentic Mexican and Italian food, and let my mind clear from any of the negative thoughts that had held me hostage since my diagnosis.

As I returned home I had a new goal. My journey had given me a new purpose. My passion for nursing was still there and I realized just how much I missed taking care of and spending time with my patients. But I also realized that my time might be short and I wanted to experience as much as I could for whatever time I might have left. The more I thought about this, the more my mind wandered back to an idea I had a few years earlier. I wanted to move on from my staff hospital position and become a travel nurse. I realized that travel nursing would offer me the opportunity to combine my love of nursing with the ability to travel and see all that the country has to offer.

I celebrated New Years Eve by mailing my applications to Arizona and California to obtain my nursing licenses. In the weeks following I began discussing opportunities with recruiters, and began the initial process to build my file for submission to future employers.

As excited as I was, a cloud of fear hovered over me. Would my body be strong enough to return to work? When I had my appointment with my oncologist on January 10th, as terrified as I was to hear the answer I asked my doctor if my career was over. He looked at me and told me he didn’t see why. In one moment all my fears evaporated. I will be able to return to the work I love so much. Cancer didn’t take nursing from me.

2018 brought a lot of pain and fear as I was forced to accept my new reality. 2019 is going to be a year of adventure and discovery for me. Some days I am angry for all of the changes that have come to my life since I heard those terrible words ‘you have cancer.’ There are still days that I want to cry when I think about possibly not being here to watch my nieces and grandchildren grow up.

Even with all of the sadness and uncertainty cancer has brought to my life, some days I am thankful for the things I have gained. I have realized how very precious life is and how important it is to appreciate the gift of each day. I live more fully, I love more deeply, and I appreciate each moment I have. I’m living with cancer, not dying from it. I’m LIVING. Each minute of every day.

Jennifer – Extensive mets to bones. Diagnosed de novo at 43 on 9/25/2018. Cancer won’t win. I won’t let it. Life’s too short not to fight for every minute. Dx 9/25/2018, invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC), left breast, 1.5cm, Nottingham Grade 3, hormone receptor positive, ER+ (estrogen receptor)/PR+ (progesterone receptor), HER2- (human epidermal growth factor), BRACA- (genetic mutation), Stage IV, metastasized to bones First CA 27.29 10/9/2018 83 (goal <38) Hormonal Therapy 10/12/2018 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Targeted Therapy 10/12/2018 Xgeva injection (Denosumab) Hormonal Therapy 10/19/2018 Lupron Depot injection (Leuprolide Acetate) Surgery 11/29/2018 Vaginal hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy First CA 27.29 post hysterectomy 12/10/2018 73 (goal <38) Hormonal Therapy 12/11/2018 Femara pills (letrozole) Targeted Therapy 12/23/2018 Ibrance pills (palbociclib) First CA 27.29 post medication change 1/10/2019 60 (goal <38)

New Year, New Me! 2018 was a year of ups and downs for me. In January I went back to college at Benedictine College to work towards my bachelors in sociology.

Even though the Gregorian calendar don’t mean a GOT DAMN THING LOL... Here’s a little end of the the #Message / #Mantra to ease our transition into & help us manifest the fuck out of this next year. #RepeatAfterMe and listen to your favorite Goddess, Captain, Auntie, Healer, LadySpeech... 2019 is my MOTHER FUCKING Year!!! 2019 is my Best & Bottom Bitch! From this moment into 2019 and beyond... We welcome in and manifest infinite Cosmic and divine abundance! In. All. It’s. Forms! Because 2019 is MYYYYY!!!! motherfucking year! 2019 is my Best & Bottom Bitch! 2019 is all about MY ABUNDANCE! Axé! Amen! Aho! Ōmeteōtl! Blessed Be! #LadySpeech #HoodHealer #SpiritualGangsta #SoldierOfLove #WiseWords #MotivationalCoach #2019IsMyYear #MotivationalSpeaker #BlackGirlMagic #EndOfYear #FavoriteAuntie #ShitAuntieSpeechSays #AuntieSpeechSay #QuoteMe #BottomBitch #Abundance #ProsperityChant #Prosperity #manifestation #LadySpeechSankofa https://www.instagram.com/p/BrqctL0hhgl/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=12l16ko5hvua2

Too much summer got me #bloated and I've gained weight. Getting back on the #ketotrain and back on my #supplements . Using #samsunghealthapp to track my fitness and macros. #addmeonsamsunghealth (dm me your Q code) #2019ismyyear #consistencyiskey #consistencepersistencepatience #ketokravings #keto #ketoworks #auntpamssecretstash #wraptastic https://www.instagram.com/p/B16b6iXg28W/?igshid=1bsud6mfygydw

El Ministro de Turismo a través del Ministerio de Turismo de la República Dominicana 🇩🇴 realiza campamento de verano para los hijos de los servidores públicos de este ministerio. @miturrd #campamentoverano #verano2019 #verano #verano2017 #campamento #2019年 #verano2018 #2019prabowosandi #2019jokowilagi #verano2014 #2019год #2019gantistatus #2019春婚 #2019BTSFESTA #verano18 #2019planner #2019elections #2019ismyyear #20190615 #2019calendar #2019presidenbaru #20190309 #2019herewecome #20190608 #2019weddings #verano16 #campamentodeverano #20190629 #20190202 #2019gantipresiden (en Ministerio de Turismo República Dominicana) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1HSHn9AQNj/?igshid=1p01be7xg6xaa

Enjoy the PR festival with La Mega's own the beautiful @excarletmolina #VITheExec #TeamJinxy #AfterlifeAllstars #AfterlifeStudiosBxNy #UsNeverThem #AfterlifeMusicGroup #QueRicoEnt #2019IsMyYear (at East Harlem) https://www.instagram.com/p/BydTm6jJqBH2vmKNo6nqflXTV9lzGESyQzojzU0/?igshid=1mx2f86dyemcb

Practicing Creativity. #writing #moving #learning #growing #2019ismyyear #blessings #presseddownshakentogetherrunningover #beautifulday #praisebetogod https://www.instagram.com/themulattorose/p/BwVP8SXlNoe/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1j4h1p2c6a7zu

If it doesn’t scare you, you’re probably not dreaming big enough. . . . #selfie #pma #positivementalattitude #feelinggood #inspiration #inspirationalquotes #loveyourself #summerishere #warmweather #makeup #selfcare #selflove #2019ismyyear #2019ismyyeartoshine https://www.instagram.com/midnight2255/p/BwHWSjEh7_N1C253V19YaSGn7OKcM4XwdNI4uU0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=66c0wvvd9q5c

A week ago I couldn’t find the motivation to run 5 minutes on a treadmill. My mindset: I just can’t deal with the treadmill. This week it has been my mission to run 1.5miles in 15mins or less. Mindset: treadmill 😈 you’re mine! It’s funny how the mind works. Funny how we all of a sudden have or make time. A year ago my dream was to finish one. Now I’ve made ‘19 the year of THREE. ‘19 is the year of Threes 🏃🏽‍♀️NYC Half Marathon ✔️ 🏃🏽‍♀️ BK Half Marathon - 52 days 🏃🏽‍♀️ Santo Domingo Half - sometime in September. If someone can connect me with the organizers I’d greatly appreciate it. I NEED info on registration. The mind makes the Body & I know I got this 💪🏽 This is what I have planned for myself, imagine how far YOU could be with me as your Coach. Are you still struggling with weight or attacking another fad diet? Quit the Yo-Yo Girl, I GOT. YOU! #theuniversehasyourback #eatcleantraindirty #beenergetic #personaldevelopment #womensupportingwomen #lovethyself #runnersworld #halfmarathoner #halfmarathonfinisher #2019ismyyear #fitfam #firforkids #rungirlrun #nikerunclub #santodomingomarathon #snapfitness #nycfit #weatchesterfit #lafemmesporta #leggingslover #wellnesscoach #weightlossjourney #cleanish #curvyfit (at Tarrytown, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bvfm9TLAxlH/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=16ox4h9yxogxy

I finally painted something on the front of my newest sketchbook! I’ve wanted to decorate the front of a sketchbook for a long time but I get to nervous about messing it up and hating it. I surprised myself by freehanding this original gouache painting! I’m definitely in love ❤️💀🌿✨

Food for the thought

For the longest time I always knew few things about me were different. Some can call them characteristics heck whatever that makes me unique 😉, recently I found out they actually have a name🙄. I love them I won't change them if anything I am going to put all of them back into play. No more settling for less, no more seeking someone's approval, and most important one is communication without holding shit back.

Someone got a new hair color!!! Thank you Autumn for making it beautiful again!!! No more gray😋😊 I am too young for gray hair😏 #learningtolovemyself #ilovemyhair #takecontrolofyourlife #2019ismyyear #thankfulforyou (at Dubuque, Iowa) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bu6JAX0nvI-/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=52e84hcbyad1

@uscis #newUScitizen #2019ismyyear #2019goals (at Los Angeles Convention Center) https://www.instagram.com/p/BuHRnGXH4Kj/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=134gqemp4y8ir

Ya'll ever get tired of the struggle? Living paycheck to paycheck and still barely getting by? I'm there. I've been there for years now. What with having limited places to live because of my "large" dogs, the homelessness, constant car troubles, losing everything and having to start over with nothing. I'm so tired of having to start over. I'm tired of having to pick and choose which bills get paid and which we can either wait a month to pay, afford losing for a bit, or just straight up cancel. So I've decided it's time for a change. I'm taking back control over my life and I'm making it better. I'm starting a new adventure, a new chapter. I found this really good opportunity that I'm excited to take advantage of! To be honest I am kind of nervous to start but I believe in myself. Wish me luck! #2019 #2019ismyyear #timeforachange #wishmeluck #anewbeginning #struggle #thestruggle #overcominghomelessness #dogs #furbabies #bordercollie #blacklab #nomorecartrouble #takingbackcontrol #newadventures #newchapter #mychallenge2019 #nomorestartingover #nomorequitting #iwontgiveup #itsmytime #ibelieve #icandothis https://www.instagram.com/p/BuA4nPchooZ8sZbWYFHRZt8IHSGHnrXKlBNWro0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1qfsd624idr86

Early morning skinny coffee, preparing for a day of fishing. #upat5am #watchoutfishherewecome #livebait #2019ismyyear #consistencyiskey #consistencepersistencepatience #ketokravings #keto #ketoworks #auntpamssecretstash #wraptastic (at Flint, Michigan) https://www.instagram.com/p/B10tvvkg6oR/?igshid=h2me90vfat0v