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#*is not convincing anyone least of all myself*
simpforboywonder · 2 days
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Is it tooo much to ask for reader to not have such a strong personality 🤨. SHES NOT MEEEEE if she’s doing a wholeeeee bunch of things I would never do. If the author had put “Original character” in the tags or told us guys I’m writing a self-insert or making a character. HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO DESCRIBE THIS SKINNY WHITE GIRL JUST TO TELL US IN THE COMMENTS THAT YOU TRUED TO MAKE IT NONDESCRIPT. Bc I hate to break it to you dear author. YOU FAILEDDD. And it would’ve succeeded if you said this was notttt a reader insert. I’m sorry guys I’m just genuinely tiredddd. We are reading reader-inserts because we want to put ourselvessss inside like come awnnnn now🤨. I have to do sooooo much mental brain work as of late having to compartmentalize every new character trait that the author has now appointed me. Alsoooo on that note NOT EVERY FAT GIRL IS INSECURE AND SELF- CONSCIOUS. Anyone and everyone can be insecure but why does EVERYYYYYY fat reader have to be insecure and just start dumping hate on their bodies. I would never hate on myself the way these authors be acting like we do and honestly THAAAAATS triggering. Imagine it’s 2 am, you thought you found this great chubby reader fanfic BUT NOOOOO the first 1k (out of 3k or something mind you😒) it’ll just be a whole bunch of degradation like ewwwww I’m not going from having my body randomly degraded and then some man having to convince me that I’m beautiful to sex is NOTTTTT THE VIBEEEEE. I love myself and every extra pound on me. And you know what I haaaate even more is when I point out that this is weirddddd and odd somebody pipes up with “then go write it yourself”. Skinny girls don’t have to go write it themselves yet the average size of an American woman is between 16-18. THAT IS NOTTTT A SKINNY WOMAN. At some point we gotta start being serious because anythingggg can be a book these days. Literally we got cow-fucking, monster and aliens and all that stuff YET I CANT GET A PLUS SIZE MC IN ANYTHINGGGGG. And if I dooooo it’s just a whole bunch of hatred, insecurity, and degradation the whoooole time. Bc we knowwww it isn’t a book with a fat MC without them being randomly bullied for their weight at least ONCE.
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Up Where We Belong Part Two
Pete “Maverick” Mitchell x Writer!reader
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Up Where We Belong Masterlist
Synopsis: When a writer experiencing horrible writer’s block goes to the Apple Valley Airshow for inspiration, she meets a certain older, daring naval aviator, leading to maybe a little more than just inspiration.
Warnings: Age gap (reader is in their late thirties to early forties), some to-be-expected cursing, depiction of the beginnings of a panic attack (it doesn’t become a full blown one).
But really, this is just fluff.
Author’s Note: I intended this to be a two part story, but as always, it didn’t turn out that way (my brain is like a mushroom farm at this point), and the third part of this (fingers crossed), is going to be the final part.
I’m choosing to look on the bright side and I’m telling myself I’m more than halfway done with this.
*sighs in frustrated writer*
This part is a little more MavDad than shippy, but it’s where this wanted to go, so…
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Again, I name a story after a song, from another movie about the Navy, funnily enough.
(Only three of my stories on my masterlist are not named after songs)
I can’t stop, apparently.
So here we go!
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Pete “Maverick” Mitchell had been expecting a normal day when he met her.
Or, well, as normal as a day could get for him.
It was a bright and sunny weekend at the Apple Valley Airshow, where Mav had just flown an aerobatic sequence for the gathered crowds in Bianca, his beloved P-51, and Bradley had not taken much convincing to come out for a day with his dad and the chance to see planes, despite the fact that he was already around them Monday to Friday.
Most aviators were plane nerds after all, and airshows like these were heaven for aviators like him and Bradley.
“You okay back there, Baby Goose?” Mav asked through the comms, raising his voice slightly to be heard over the engine of the P-51.
“Yeah—yeah, I’m fine,” Bradley breathlessly replied from the backseat, his exhale turning into a weak chuckle. “You’re crazy, you know that, right, Dad?”
“Your father and uncles might have mentioned that a few times,” Mav grinned.
He gracefully looped the venerable Mustang around and brought her smoothly onto the runway, mindful of the P-51’s unstrengthened landing gear, gently flaring the aircraft so she caressed the tarmac, unlike the unflared, hard landing he instinctively would have done in any Navy aircraft.
After an uneventful taxi back to the flight line, he pushed the canopy back and climbed out of the cockpit, Bradley a second behind him.
“At least we didn’t have anyone shooting at us this time around,” Mav half-joked, patting his boy on the back, once he’d also jumped down from the wing.
“Thank Heaven for small mercies,” the younger man muttered.
“Come on, you can’t tell me you didn’t enjoy that, Brads.”
Bradley chewed the inside of his cheek, before amusement shone in his eyes, and he cracked a smile. “Okay, yeah, it was pretty cool.”
“She’s still got moves, huh?”
His son looked affectionately at the P-51. “Yeah, she does.
But it’s not the plane, it’s the pilot, isn’t it?”
“I’m willing to share when it’s this girl,” Mav grinned, patting her sun-warm silver fuselage.
After the two of them had stacked their parachutes and harnesses between the landing gear, Mav was busy putting the chocks on the wheels, when he heard a smooth female voice say, “Excuse me?”
“Yes?” Bradley replied.
“Is this the P-51 which flew a few minutes ago?
She is a P-51, right?”
“That’d be a yes to both questions, ma’am.”
A low, rich chuckle. “Are you the owner?”
Bradley scoffed amusedly. “Nah, that’ll be my dad.
Hey Dad, someone wants to talk to you!”
Mav ducked out from beneath the undercarriage and under a propeller, coming face to face with a very unexpected, but not unwelcome sight.
The first thing he noticed about the woman standing before him was her air of extreme competence, which immediately had him wanting to know more about her.
(He was decidedly ignoring the memory of Halo saying he had a competency kink after he’d told some stories from when he was in relationships at a Dagger Squad get together [non-explicit; the Daggers, especially Bradley, didn’t need to hear… intimate details of his life, after all].)
A quick appraisal had him estimating her to be older than Bradley, but younger than him.
She was beautiful, with lips glossed just right, shining, lush hair that he could already imagine running his hand through, a smile he could look at forever, and a figure that ticked all his proverbial boxes, visible even with her long, loose brown cardigan and cream button-down shirt over black jeans.
But what hit him like Mach 10 (and he would know) was the spark in her eyes, keen and intelligent, and they held a warmth and passion that called to him.
“Hi,” he began, extending his hand, ignoring the fact that he was stunned by this woman so he could attempt to be his usual self.
He’d been delighted to show her around Bianca, and he even went so far as to let her sit in the old girl.
Mav had not been expecting what she said about the book she was writing—her granduncle’s story hit home on practically every level possible.
He was absolutely honest with her when he said he wanted to help, but… he’d absolutely be lying if he said he didn’t give it with the hope that she’d call him in the first place.
It’d been years since he’d felt like this about someone, and he tried to stifle a smile as he recalled how they’d collided on Bianca’s wing, his quick reflexes preventing them from falling off the wing with a snapped-out right hand on the cockpit edge, his left instinctually protectively pressing her against him.
He’d never forget the way his heart raced as he realized their proximity, his battle-honed wits prompting him to swiftly move his hand before she could register his touch, though he kept his arm close enough to catch her if she began to slip off the trailing edge.
“What’s with that look, Dad?”
Bradley’s voice brought Mav back to the present, where he sat on his favorite chair in his hangar, Bianca’s flight log book in his right hand, pen in his left. “What look?”
Bradley shut the locker for the safety gear, the last thing on the P-51’s post-flight checklist, and strode over to the couch opposite. “You look sappy.”
“I’m just happy I had a great day flying in my girl, and with my Baby Goose, no less.” It was not a lie at all, but it wasn’t the whole truth either.
Any other person would have probably bought that excuse, but Bradley was one of the very few people he’d ever met in his life who could read him like a book in every situation, a skill unfortunately inherited from his father. “Uh-huh, sure, I think you’re just thinking about __,” his son incisively replied.
Mav absently bit his lip, “…That obvious, kid?”
“…It’s about as obvious as an F-14 in cloudless sky at 2,000 feet.”
“So, pretty damn obvious,” he squinted speculatively.
“Yeah.
You guys were like something out of a romcom, honestly.
Was that thing on the wing on purpose?” Bradley grinned.
“No, it wasn’t,” he smiled.
“Because you know, if you were any shorter, you might’ve ended up kissing her.”
Mav felt himself turn a little red, but was still amused despite himself. “Shut up.”
Heedless, Bradley continued, “You would have liked that, I’m sure.”
“You’re just as bad as your father,” he sighed.
His gosling’s grin turned sentimental. “Learned it from both of them.”
Bradley had openly called him “Dad” for years before, and again after their reconciliation, but statements like that never failed to warm his heart.
Helpless, Mav stood, and, going over to his son, stooped slightly to place a hand on his shoulder and a kiss at his temple. “Love you, Baby Goose.”
Before he could pull away, Bradley wrapped both arms tightly around him. “Love you too, Dad.
Mav was more than content to let the moment sit, the two of them still making up for almost twenty years of no hugs from the other.
Bradley eventually broke the silence with, “I’ll go heat up that pizza we got from the grocery last night, Dad, how about that?”
He frowned, pulling back, “I can do that, B,—”
“I’ll do it, Dad, you just sit and relax,” Bradley said, already walking towards the Airstream, and just as he was about to step inside the silver trailer, the kid fired off, “Think about your writer!”
Mav spluttered, looking incredulously at the Airstream’s door.
Bradley was really too much like Goose and him, he chuckled silently to himself.
The weekend’s end saw the two of them return to the duplex he and Bradley had bought together last year, sitting about fifteen minutes drive in the Bronco (about half that on the Ninja, at full Mav power) away from TOPGUN, where they were both posted as instructors; Mav himself permanently, Bradley, for a three-year period before his next deployment cycle.
Monday dawned, and he found himself glancing at the screen of his phone every time it dinged, so much so, that said son repeatedly glanced between him and the cellphone laid out on the Officer’s Mess Hall table over lunch.
“What?” Mav asked, confused at the younger man’s consterned expression.
“Who are you, and what have you done with my Dad?
You have not looked away from your phone since we sat down, Mav.
You used to have no idea what TikTok was, and now you look like Hangman after he posts a new photo on Insta, and I would know—God, he was insufferable that time in Sigonella.”
“…I’m guessing Insta is Instagraph?”
Bradley made a noise quite like his callsign. “l—you don’t even—Instagram, Mav, Instagram.
It’s like you’re expecting a call or so—” brown eyes excitedly widened as dots were abruptly connected, “—ohh shit; you gave her your number, didn’t you, your writer?”
Mav rolled his eyes, “She’s not my writer, Brads, but I… I did give her my number just in case she needed more help with—research.”
“Oh, research, sure, Mav; I bet you’d love to help her with her research,” the younger man chortled.
“You sound like your Uncle Slider.”
“Uh-huh—” Bradley brushed off, “we’re getting off topic here, did she say she’d call you or something?”
“No, she didn’t.
I told her to call if she needed me.” He wondered if, instead of being subtle, he should have just out and asked her to call him—or even just asked her out directly; the Maverick of over thirty years ago would have.
His son’s eyes comically widened. “Please, for the love of God, tell me you did not say it like that—that is as bad as you serenading that ex of yours with, of all the songs, “Abracadabra” by The Steve Miller Band.”
“Hey, that’s a good song!” Mav protested.
“It’s also creepy as hell—‘I wanna reach out and grab ya’?
Tell me you hear that?!”
Well, when the lyrics were said like that… “In hindsight, I hear it, no, I did not say it like that, and now who’s getting off topic, Roo?”
“Fine—so you were playing subtle, huh?” Bradley wrinkled his nose, tilting his head from side to side. “Well, we’ll just have to see if the subtle play works, because the Maverick charm was on max power, so you likely made an impression—”
“Thanks, kid?”
“—so I’d say… there’s a sixty-five percent chance she’ll call you,” was the determination.
Mav paused and raised an eyebrow. “Only sixty-five?”
“I’m taking into account the variable that she might not go for… people like you, you know.”
“…No.”
Mav could see both himself and Nick in Bradley’s shit-eating grin. “Old men.”
“An old man, huh?
Well, this is an old man who can still kick the asses of people less than half his age, and you too, Brads, six ways to Sunday, in the air or on the mats.”
A fork promptly got brandished daringly. “I almost had you when we did that demo on the death spiral two weeks ago, Dad, and if you hadn’t slipped my headlock on Wednesday, I’d have gotten you to tap out.”
Mav reached over and affectionately ruffled his son’s brown curls. “Almost only works with grenades, Baby Goose; now eat your shitty mashed potatoes.”
The week ticked by, and after every hop, he tried not to make it too obvious to Bradley, whose locker was right next to his in the Instructor’s Locker Room, that his phone was the first thing he checked.
By Wednesday evening, he was starting to lose what hope he had, and he ignored his son’s sad look as he surreptitiously looked at his phone.
On Thursday evening, Bradley slung an arm around his shoulder as they walked together to the parking lot. “I know I give you shit about being old, Dad, but you’ve still got more than enough charm and looks for women to be attracted to you.
I mean, you should have heard the stuff Phoe and Halo were saying about you during the detachment training—ugh, especially after Dogfight Football.
The thirst was real.”
At his confused look, Bradley continued, “Long story short, they said you were—bleh—hot.
I’m not repeating exactly what they said, even though I can, it’s all seared into my memory, unfortunately,” he finished, shuddering.
Mav laughed, “I’m sorry for the trauma, but, what, uh, brought this train of thought on, Baby Goose?”
He was pressed closer into a Hawaiian shirt-clad side. “I know you’re sad about not getting called by your writer.”
Knowing it was useless to deny it, he shook his head, “I won’t lie and say it doesn’t sting, because I really thought we had a connection, but it’s probably for the best, because I’m… well, you know.”
“No, I don’t,” his son adamantly stated. “Because you’re… kind and loving, with a heart about a billion sizes too big for his body, who gives so much of himself in literally everything—except maybe following orders; any woman would be happy with you.”
Mav reached and gave the vague vicinity of a shoulder a loving pat. “You give me too much credit.”
“No, Dad, you would make someone very happy—I want to see you happy,” Bradley squeezed a Nomex jacketed arm.
“I am happy, kiddo;” he cheerfully stated, “I can fly, I have the rest of the Flyboys, the Daggers, Bianca, and most importantly, I have you, my not-so little boy, who’s become a better man than I could have hoped.”
Bradley halted in his tracks, and tugged him into a hug with a laugh that could have been a sob. “Fuck, Dad, how do you just say shit like that?”
“Like what, that I’m so proud of you?” Mav beamed.
His son’s heatless “Shut up, will you, old man?” sounded suspiciously wobbly, but Mav chose not to remark on it, and hugged back before they continued walking after a moment.
“But back to my point,” the younger man pointed, “unless there’s something you’re not telling me about your relationship with Bianca, she doesn’t count as a woman in your life.
I know you have me, the Daggers, and the Flyboys, but it’s different from being in love and getting that love back.” Bradley suddenly snapped his fingers, “I know, I should start you a dating app profile!”
“Oh no, I’ve heard horror stories about dating apps, and I’m not desperate, Baby Goose.”
Bradley threw both hands up, “It’s not about desperation, Hangman has—okay, that’s not a good example—but you know, you need to put yourself out there more.
Meet someone.
Come on, Dad, please?”
The kid looked so hopeful, he couldn’t outright say no. “I’ll think about it.”
“Yes!
It’s not a no, I’ll take it.
I’ll look through the photos at the hangar tomorrow night—we gotta pick the right one—that can make or break things!
Maybe one of you in the dress whites or blues—or hey, ladies love the flight suit, and it’ll be even better if you’re in front of your F-18…”
At Bradley’s musing, Mav had a smile on his face all the way to his Kawasaki, and the whole way home, trailing in the Bronco’s wake.
After work early Friday evening, both men began the preparations for their weekly getaway to the hangar, packing their respective bags with whatever they deemed necessary for a two-day stay in the Mojave.
Mav was busying himself with checking his duffel before he hopped in the shower when he heard clattering from his kitchen and immediately, a dismayed “Damn it!” rang through the house.
“You okay, kiddo?” he called out.
“Yeah, I just—we’re out of Doritos!”
As amusing as it sounded, that did constitute a little bit of an emergency—the triangular chips were Bradley’s go-to snack, ever since he was a child, and he’d be bemoaning the lack of them the whole two days at the hangar if they really were out. “Did you check your kitchen?”
“I looked there first—we can’t leave without Doritos, Dad!”
A soft chuckle escaped him. “You still have time to go grab some if you want, I still have to take a shower, Brads,” he offered.
“Good idea, I’ll just go to the store and grab some, be right back!”
“Okay, drive safe!”
“Always!”
Mav waited to hear his front door shut before turning for his bathroom and starting the shower, tossing his shirt in the hamper on the way.
A few minutes later, he’d just begun to rinse off when he heard a faint noise from downstairs; his phone was ringing, he realized.
He initially paid it no mind—he’d been getting scam calls the last few days, which always ended up disappointing him—but then… it kept ringing.
And ringing.
And ringing.
And ringing.
Hope suddenly bloomed in his chest, and he hurried to get out of the shower.
He nearly faceplanted on his own bathroom floor in his haste, stumbling when his lunge for his towel missed, but he was able to keep himself upright and the second attempt had the fabric in his hand, then around his waist.
Mav dashed out the bathroom and down the stairs, tapping the green “accept call” button.
“Pete Mitchell,” he spoke into his phone, trying not to sound like he’d just run a marathon while his chest heaved.
A slight pause later, a hesitant “Hi,” came over the phone, and his heart leapt. “I don’t know if you remember me, we met at the Apple Valley Airshow—”
She had to be joking if she thought she was that easily forgettable. “__, right?
The writer,” he replied, pushing the dripping strands of his hair out of his face.
“Yeah, that’s me, you said I could call if I had any questions.”
“Uh-huh.
I’m guessing you have one,” he smiled.
The following invite to the hangar was twofold; he’d be able to help her without the hassle of dealing with emails or something like that, and he’d be able to gauge if she was actually interested in him.
He remembered the way she’d slightly frozen, when he stepped out from under Bianca, how she’d glanced at his hand when he’d extended it for a handshake.
But he’d been wrong about a great many things before, and he didn’t want to immediately assume she was interested, because everyone knew what the first three letters of assume were, and for all he knew, she really just needed help.
Regardless, he smiled while they bantered as easily as breathing; it was invigorating, and… maybe a little bit of a turn-on, if he was honest.
(Maybe Halo was right.)
Shortly after they said goodbye, Mav sent the address of the hangar with a “How does 3:30 sound to you?” to her number, and three beats after it registered delivered, a “That’s perfect—see you tomorrow 😊” message came in, which had him sigh like a teenager as he leaned against the counter for a moment, before he pushed off to get dressed.
By the time Bradley came back with four grocery bags full of Doritos, from two different groceries, Mav was already dressed in his usual t-shirt and jeans, ready to go. “You got enough Doritos there, Baby Goose?” he gawked at the sheer amount of chips.
“I’m restocking us, Dad, it’s not all for the weekend,” the younger man replied, emptying one grocery bag and a half into Mav’s snack cabinet. “I just need to put another bag and this half at mine, and the rest I’m taking.”
He bit down on his laughter and watched as his son dashed next door to stock his own snack cabinet, before returning in time to catch him staring at the “That’s perfect—see you tomorrow 😊” message on his phone.
“You’re looking sappy again,” Bradley squinted suspiciously at him. “It’s almost like you got a call from your writer.”
Mav tried to keep his face neutral, but as always, it was pointless with his gosling.
The kid’s eyes widened, “Holy shit, she did call you, didn’t she?!
Fuck, you still got it, Dad.”
He waved off, “There’s no guarantee she actually is interested in me like that, and she called me because she needs my help.”
“Oh, your help, of course,” Bradley grinned. “Well?
What’s the profile?”
Mav rolled his eyes. “She wrote a dogfight scene she can’t cut, and she wants to make sure the tactics are sound.
So I invited her to the hangar tomorrow so we don’t have to do any emails and stuff.”
The younger man whistled, impressed. “That was smooth as hell, Dad.
You have an idea of when she’s coming over?”
“1530ish.”
Bradley planted his hands on his hips with a sigh. “Well, that’s a good amount of time, but we’ll still have some work to do.”
“Work—what are you planning, Baby Goose?”
“We have to make the hangar a little neater than usual—make you seem like a responsible adult,” his son replied, as if it were the most obvious thing.
Mav burst into laughter while picking up his duffel. “If your father, your uncles, and nearly forty years in the Navy couldn’t do that, what makes you think spiffing up the hangar could?”
“Worth a shot, you never know—she might be fooled,” Bradley muttered, locking Mav’s front door behind them both.
“I heard that!”
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When the afternoon set over the hangar the next day, now the neatest it’d been in a long time (admittedly, it wasn’t that bad, Mav just had a particular system, which didn’t much look like one in the first place), Bradley clapped his hands, “Now, I’m going to head into town, Dad.”
“What for?”
“Dad, your writer is coming in about ten minutes, and the last thing you need is me cramping your style, so I’m going to head into town, I’ll be back at around… let’s call it 2345–please don’t be naked when I come back—”
“Bradley!” Mav exclaimed, a little bit scandalized, though they were both hardly virginal.
“—and, and, prior notice of if I shouldn’t come back would be greatly appreciated.”
“Bradley!”
“What?
I’m just covering the bases.”
“There’s no bases to cover here, I’m just going to review her scene,” he replied.
“Annnd?” the younger man deadpanned.
“And then… we’ll see what happens.
But all I know is I’m not about to—whatever you’re thinking is going to happen.” Mav sighed, picking up a screwdriver that had fallen off the maintenance cart next to Bianca, and placed it back in the toolbox. “And I don’t… this probably isn’t going to go anywhere, because—I’m pushing sixty, kiddo, and really… I don’t think I have casual—anything—left in me anymore.”
Bradley slowly nodded, a proud look on his face. “Good for you, Dad.”
“Yeah?”
“Mm-hmm,” he replied, nodding, mustache quirking up. “I’m happy you know what you want.
But you gotta be more optimistic than this, because who knows, this could lead to your more-than casual something.” Bradley slapped him on the arm, “Come on, where’s the ‘I’m going anyway’ Maverick Mitchell who proved he could fly a suicide mission on a crazy profile, with fifteen seconds to spare?”
Mav scoffed self-deprecatingly, “Doing crazy pilot shit; that makes sense to me, Baby Goose, but… relationships—I’ve always FUBAR-ed them.
Oh God, I don’t actually know what I was thinking, giving her my number—this was a mistake,” he muttered, thoughts beginning to spiral as his breathing picked up.
Bradley grabbed both his arms, squeezing them to ground him. “Hey—hey, Dad, look at me—look at me.
Take a breath.
You did not make a mistake, you made a connection with someone, you offered to help them, and she took you up on the offer.
At the least, you help someone in need, and you come out the other side with a friend; if everything goes well, maybe you get more than friendship.
But like you said, you’re just checking the scene she’s having trouble with, like she asked.
Don’t put pressure on yourself—just see what happens.
You got this, Dad.”
“I got this,” Mav murmured, partly confirming his son’s statement, partly reassuring himself, and partly asking if he did, indeed “got” it.
“You got this; come here.” Bradley pulled him into a tight hug, one to which Mav clung, while he got ahold of himself.
When he pulled back from his son’s embrace and repeated “I got this,” a minute or so later, it was still slightly shaky, but held some of the classic Maverick confidence.
“That’s the spirit.” The younger man checked his watch, wincing. “I don’t want to cramp your style, and I’m cutting it close, but I don’t want to leave you if you’re going to spiral again.
You good, Dad?”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I’ll be okay.”
“You sure?” Bradley frowned.
“Yeah, I’ll just check on Bianca a little while I’m waiting.”
His son exhaled heavily. “You do that, alright?
Don’t get in your head—don’t think, just do, remember?”
“I remember,” Mav smirked.
“Okay.
I’m gonna go now.” Bradley cautiously backed out of the hangar, as if ready to pull him into another hug if he showed the slightest tell of another mental spiral. “Call me if I shouldn’t come back, and remember, 2345!
Please don’t be naked!!”
“Go!!” Mav chuckled, feeling mostly like himself again, if not slightly nervous.
“Love you!”
“Love you more, kiddo!”
Soon, the sound of the Bronco’s engine rumbled through the dry air before it faded, leaving the air still and silent except for the distant sounds of the Mojave.
Before his and Bradley’s reconciliation, he was used to the stillness and silence, a consequence of choosing to make the hangar his home a few years ago, upon his assignment as a test pilot at NAWS China Lake, despite the long commute; he’d never liked base housing, and avoided it like the plague.
He’d even found the stillness and quiet comforting in a sadistic way, thought it was maybe something he deserved in cynical moments.
But now, the hangar which Hondo had once referred to as his “Fortress of Solitude”, was a place of life, love, and joy, the old silence and stillness now the strange one.
Before he could think too much about his relationship with silence, he went to Bianca and started some busywork with her engine, allowing his mind to get lost—and more importantly, his body to relax—in the process.
He’d gotten so absorbed in his beloved plane’s maintenance that he almost missed the sound of an unfamiliar car pulling up to the hangar.
Immediately, his heart started racing again, but he’d accepted that for better or worse, this whole thing was going to play out as it would; if that involved him fucking something up, he just prayed he could fix it.
Moment of truth; the car door opened.
“Ghostrider, up and ready,” he muttered to himself.
“Hello?” she uncertainly called.
“In here,” he replied.
Mav swallowed thickly upon seeing her; he liked to think he had a decent memory, but his memory did no justice to her.
The desert afternoon light streaming in through the open hangar door haloed her in an otherworldly way, only making her even more beautiful to him, the breeze blowing her hair around and billowing her loose blouse.
His eyes were drawn to the little smile at the corner of her lips, and it was only because he’d been looking there, that he realized she was speaking.
“Hey, glad you could make it,” he brightly said, hoping that that wasn’t too out of left field from what she’d said, because he’d completely missed it.
Her smile widened, “Not going to miss it—for all I know, this is a one time opportunity.”
The replies that immediately came to mind sounded creepy, stupid, or worse, so he settled for, “Who said it was?”
She chuckled, lighting up her already sparkling gaze, biting her lip briefly before looking around the hangar, her eyes soon landing on Bianca. “Great place you’ve got here; must’ve been hard to get, though, with it being Navy land.”
“Not that hard when you’re got friends in high places.” Mav recalled the moment Ice and the Flyboys gave him the title to the hangar for his fortieth birthday, which they were celebrating along with his promotion to Commander.
She tilted her head slightly, and he realized that she probably heard the somber tone in his voice—remembering Ice was still hard, but it was getting better.
“Anyway, uh,” he clapped his hands, pushing forward, “you had a scene that needs checking?”
She blinked as if clearing her head, and raised the leather messenger bag on her shoulder. “I have my laptop right here.”
Mav gestured to his couch, and as they moved towards it, he prayed that he wouldn’t somehow make a fool of himself today.
To be continued…
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Because the P-51 was an Air Force aircraft, her landing gear was not designed for hard, unflared Navy-style landings, which are flown in that manner for carrier operations.
However, even if naval aviators land on a full-length runway, carrier habits die hard, and if you watch planespotting streams, such as my favorite, L.A FLIGHTS, you can make reasonable guesses as to who was former Navy, as the landings will tend have a shallower flare at landing.
Chocks
The Apple Valley Airshow takes place every year in the town of Apple Valley, located in San Bernardino, California.
(I considered setting this story at the annual Miramar Airshow, which takes place at MCAS (formerly NAS) Miramar, but I imagine that Mav would probably want to avoid going to MCAS Miramar for obvious reasons.)
The trailing edge of a wing is its back edge, the edge closer to the tail—its opposite is the leading edge, the edge closer to the nose.
The chair I write as Mav’s favorite chair is the one he sits down in in the opening scene of TG:M.
As Mav is a Maverick in most aspects of his life, I thought it was perfect for Mav to be left-handed—and as Tom himself is left-handed, it couldn’t get more perfect.
The F-14 is notable as being quite large as fighter jets go, and she is practically impossible to miss in the sky, once within visual range; and she is sometimes called the Flying Tennis Court, a nickname she shares with the McDonnell Douglas/Boeing F-15 Eagle.
Bradley and Mav living in what is essentially the same house, having bought a duplex together, is something I can see them doing after they reconcile, because to me, these two are basically orange cats with separation anxiety, and I feel like they would be the epitome of healthy codependency, if that’s possible.
Mav power is a play on words/reference to the engine throttle conditions of fighter jets; Max power is the maximum engine power with afterburner (wet power), and MIL (which stands for Military) power is the maximum engine power without afterburner (dry power)
Do not quote me on this, but as I understand it, in the Navy, you don’t deploy all the time.
There are years you are given a land-based assignment, like Bradley being assigned to TOPGUN, before you are put back on ship deployments for a similar amount of years.
TL;DR: Deployment cycles in the Navy have you rotating between ship-based assignments and land-based assignments every few years.
NAS Sigonella
“Abracadabra” by The Steve Miller Band
I chose this song because of this piece of art by @woodsywarbler, and “Abracadabra” is my favorite song by The Steve Miller Band, despite the really creepy lyrics.
A death spiral is this little bit of crazy pilot shit, as shown in TG:M. (Timestamp 7:34)
Nomex is the flame-resistant material which flight suits are made of, and it’s also what Mav’s green jacket is made of.
Doritos came out in 1964, plenty of time for Bradley, ‘80s baby that he is, to develop a yen for them.
(Flight) Profile: a graphical timeline of the operational characteristics, configurations, and speeds of an aircraft along a flight path in a specific phase of flight or maneuver.
FUBAR: Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition (or Repair, people argue which word the last letter is)
Fortress of Solitude
Ghostrider was Mav and Merlin’s operational callsign during the Layton Mission, and again, do not quote me on this, but you get to keep the operational callsigns you received during notable missions, a detail alluded to in the TG:M screenplay, so Mav uses it here to psych himself up.
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Taglist
@ohtobemare
@callsign-skydancer
@permanentlyexhaustedpigeon88
@tadomikiku
@malindacath
@aviatorobsessed
@lynnevanss
@djs8891
If you’d like to join my taglist, just send me an ask!
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egophiliac · 4 months
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so have you heard about the ride kamens app game? seems like it's gonna be a twisted wonderland like game with all the riders being hot anime guys now, and it's also gonna be written by yuya takahashi and produced by naomi takebe (apparently it was in development before geats), with designs by the person who did sk8 the infinity, so take that for what you will
have you ever gotten the feeling that a piece of media came into existence just to appeal to you specifically, or
(brb preregistering immediately)
(as far as I can tell you play as an agent who maintains a secret superhero base for riders in the basement of the rider-themed cafe that you run with your butler, and there's some other plot stuff going on but honestly I'm way past sold at this point, this sounds amazing)
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popping-greenbean · 1 month
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there are so many things that i could do so well,,, if only i could like.actually do them
#ok to rb or comment on if anyone wants to ??? i just want to ramble a bit#this post is about everything at once and nothing in particular but also very much about my art career wtf#i miss school already.having structure and clear immediate tasks to focus on and surrounded by people who i can tell myself can understand#like id still be feeling the raging imposter syndrome and self hatred but then at least i can still bury myself in schoolwork and#tell myself that its the best that i can do at the moment and i make excuses to forgive myself undeservingly for not doing more#back home with same old people into same old habits and i am once again 14 hiding in my closet writing edgy poetry plotting murder and#trying to ignore the yelling downstairs and trying to convince myself that its not my fault but at the core of it all it really is isnt it#and out of sight out of mind its harder to convince myself that i am still loved or worthy of it or even capable honestly#and craving the academic validation hearing someone say that what comes from my mind has any value at all any real meaning#and maybe then im still just trying to fool myself because what i want is for someone to believe im capable because i cant do it for myself#craving someplace i can distance myself from being who ive been all my life and guilt for not wanting what ive been lucky enough to receive#ok going to stop before i incriminate myself even more#prob will delete later but if i forget to haha hi#greenbean talks to plants
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theflyingfeeling · 6 months
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...💌
#not-very-seriously contemplating making a fitalk sideblog#just so i could ramble on about my fic ideas like the lunatic i am without bothering anyone#because istg i come up with at least 3 new ideas a day and more if necessary#but i'm too self-conscious to do that on my main blog too often because i always manage to convince myself no one actually cares#and that the only few people who do seem to care only care because they want to be supportive#and/or think it's cute i'm so passionate about the fics/pairing or whatever#and there's nothing wrong with that and i'm thankful of course!#but it sort of makes me feel like a child being praised by adults ya know? 😭#and idk maybe i just feel like this because i used to share a hyperfixation OTP with a friend#and i'd come up with new fic ideas/headcanons for our OTP on a daily basis#until the friend admitted they weren't even that into the pairing#they just found it adorable to see how enthusiastic i was thinking of stories of them :)#which made me feel like such an idiot lol silly me thought they were as into it as i was#like. i get the need to infodump about hyperfixations to a friend even if the friend is not into the hyperfixation#especially if you don't know anyone else to whom you could talk about it#but i don't need that personally. i'd rather talk about my hyperfixations to someone who actually wants to hear it#and not just because they think i'm being adorable or they want to support me#i can very well keep it all to myself or just idk talk to myself?? lol#so yeahhhh i kinda don't want to make myself feel like a clown like that again 🤡#i do realise i think about fic ideas an unhealthy amount probably lol#but then again isn't that what actual published authors do all the flipping time?! the only difference is that i'm not getting paid for it😤#this wasn't supposed to become a rant lol the words just started flooding#anywayyyyy who wants to hear about my royalty!aleksi / ballet dancer!olli fic idea with side roommates-with-benefits olli/joonas?#additional tags include 'helping the other put on make-up' and 'anal fingering'. if you even care#(pls don't actually ask it's ridiculous)
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camels-pen · 5 months
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(i haven't read Whole Cake in a while, and i never really watched it, so bear with me)
I'd love to write a fic with Usopp on Whole Cake. it'd be sooo fucking long and i'd need to refresh myself on the entire arc, but god i'd probably be so satisfied when it's done. specifically for having brought a single moment in my head to life, but we'll get to that.
On Zou, he insists to be taken along on the Sanji rescue team and has worked himself up with a whole bunch of very good reasons as to why he should go there instead of helping in Wano, but of course Luffy just immediately accepts with a "yeah sure"
With Whole Cake, I think he'd be flipping between having fun as part of the idiot trio/quartet (Luffy, Chopper, Carrot), and being terrified with Nami. There wouldn't be that many differences in the arc as a whole, though; some things would be easier/better and some things would be worse- I don't necessarily think Usopp's presence would be overall an advantage or disadvantage, just different. Like, major events would stay mostly the same, but little details would change and maybe those little details would build to a far more drastic change-
for example, maybe one of Big Mom's kids considers themself a great sniper and wants a match with Usopp, or is motivated to work harder because Usopp is around and they want to take him out and boast about it. Maybe it means Sunny takes more damage than canon, or maybe Usopp's help means less damage to Sunny. (idk if i'd really do smth like this, but it's just an example)
skjdhf fuck i'm really not equipped to try and figure this out when i don't remember shit from Whole Cake aaaa
I do know that, despite his penchant for talking and rambling, I'd probably have Usopp be dead silent after his initial shock when Sanji fights Luffy. Everything about that is the same, except Usopp is just watching Sanji the whole time- not panicking, not moving, and not speaking. He doesn't say a word the entire time, doesn't even make a sound, and that, along with Luffy's words and Nami's begging, stick with Sanji.
(Usopp is thinking of his own fight with Luffy in Water 7, he's partially wondering if this was what it was like- if it was this painful to watch from the sidelines- and partially knowing he doesn't have to say a word, because he knew, like he knew back then, that it didn't matter what was said. It wasn't quite the same, but he could tell in the way Sanji moved, in the way he spoke and held himself, that he was putting on a front, trying to be brave in all the wrong ways. Usopp didn't say a word to Sanji because there was nothing he could say that Sanji himself didn't already know. Should've known. And his quiet, direct stare, was more than enough.)
the singular moment i really wanna write, is a scene where Sanji is apologizing for dragging them into his mess- either during the big meeting in Bege's castle or some other time- and Usopp's like "I'll do what you can't, you do what I can't, right?" and Sanji pauses, a little confused, until he remembers Enies Lobby and a stupid mask and cape and-
and tears are gathering in his eyes now, fuck, but he laughs a little. It sounds wet and his face is itchy and they're surrounded by tentative allies, but he- he laughs again and he says, "Fuck, you remembered that?"
Usopp shrugs, a little smile on his face. "They were some wise words from a wise man."
Sanji laughs a third time. "You think I'm wise?"
And they banter a little more before Bege tells them to quit it since they're on a time constraint or something. Quietly, Usopp will ask, "It-it helps. On bad days. And I figured, 'what's a worse day than this?' Ah, not that you getting married would ever be bad per se-"
"Usopp," Sanji says, looking more relaxed and settled. He smiles fondly and grabs his friend in a one armed hug, crushing him to his side. "Thanks."
And yeah, don't remember much beyond that, except the whole "hiding and then busting out of the cake" bit, which would mean Usopp in a cute little tuxedo or smth- maybe with a fedora aaaaaa <- loves fedoras- helping out with the fighting and eventually sailing with everyone to Wano.
He would be so distressed about fixing up Sunny now that the whole thing with Whole Cake is over. Maybe there'd be a gag about him promising Franky to take good care of Sunny while they were gone and being confident, after being Franky's tinkering partner and learning from him over time, that he could handle minor repair work much better than he did the first time around with Merry. And so when he finally takes in all the very-not-minor repairs he has to do, he's certain Franky is gonna strangle him for not keeping his promise. Probably also try to write in some nostalgic 'repairman Usopp' vibes from pre-Water 7.
Also something something, Sanji, wanting to do more for the crew bc he still feels guilty about Whole Cake, decides to take it upon himself to help Usopp not fall into a whole anxiety spiral about the ship. In turn, Usopp ends up helping Sanji not feel so guilty- usually by handing his own words back to him on a silver platter. And, yknow, having the two of them bonding and being buddies again like they so rarely get to be in canon nowadays qwq
#one piece#usopp#whole cake island#nemotime#that bit in bege's castle isn't exactly how it would go. just kinda. trying to get the vibe. also it's wayyy too short lol#the sanuso bit can be platonic or romantic. originally when i was gonna write out this idea a while ago i was thinking romantic with my#'they get engaged/married b4 dressrosa' au but tbh platonic works just as good#im- these guys man. i hate them so much (affectionate)#i'll get to rereading whole cake and finding a way to put him in there but for now. this.#if anyone's got other ideas im all ears#edit from like march 7: thinking about this again#maybe usopp being silent is an indicator for sanji that usopp's really fucking disappointed or shocked or w/e#but for usopp himself it's like being back in water 7. he doesn't even mean to be silent. he's got words built up on the tip of his tongue#but none of them come out. and despite sanji being Right There all he wants to do in that moment. is run.#at the very least he stays and watches the whole confrontation through. but afterwards he probably feels like shit#because he's the guy who's great with words right? he's the guy that can relate the most out of the group who went to WCI. he should be abl#to make a significant difference and help convince sanji to come home. but he feels like he failed. like he's going to lose another friend#and it's going to be all his fault. (again)#[not really. we all know merry wasn't his fault but we love old insecurities rearing their head in this house]#later he'd probably end up saying the words he wanted to say. and maybe it's better that way. that he ended up waiting#until luffy's had a proper shot at scolding sanji first. because then usopp can act as support and reinforcement. which. yknow.#a sniper's duty and all#anyway i got other shit to do so i'm cutting myself off here#wci usopp
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feeling weird mixed feelings atm and I can't really logic them away, ig? on the one hand I'm completely apathetic about it. on the other hand there's a part of me that's absolutely horrified that I could do something like that. the fact that it's still a consistent low-level pain the whole time also doesn't help. anyway those kinds of thoughts are then making me want to harm again to cope with them but also a) it's manageable and b) I currently have a deep horror of self-inflicted pain after the last few days apparently.
#more specific blatherings in the tags so im gonna get them below the read more in case anyone doesn't want to read it#tw sh#because yes this is about the last few days and im gonna add a few more words to get the rest below the read more#the fact that while they aren't as deep as i've ever gone before they are unquestionably in volume far exceeding any#before. not that i count at the time or anything but there are at least sixty new cuts from the last week so no wonder it's painful#but yeah it's just. an interesting emotional feeling once the pressure that triggered them is gone#i don't know i don't understand myself really#glad i have a psych appointment monday really#if i didn't have one booked i'd probably be booking one about now#also bothered by how visible the ones on my wrist are going to be.#hopefully the redness will go away soon bc i don't think they're quite healed yet#teatree oil is helping tho so hopefully they won't be TOO obvious#the location means that yeah they will be visible but hopefully not too too much#and after all i have only for-sure hit the fat layer twice. maybe a few other times. there are a couple taking ages to heal atm#so they might've idk. and i haven't gone any deeper than that#honestly with the wrist ones the fact is that it was blunt and i couldn't#sharpen it at hte time. perhaps tmi but yeah this may have saved my life and or my hand function#but i might be overstating it. anyway apparently that was three weeks and one day ago?? wow#guys that entire day i was convinced i wasn't going to live to see the morning. the WHOLE DAY#i literally have a commie newspaper on my desk currently because they tried selling it at uni and i was so existential i was just like.#'what is life. what is money. who cares' and bought it. see this is the funny story i referred to. i can elaborate#personal#puddleglum hours#tw suicide
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awarmshrine · 22 days
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Mental illness sucks so fucking bad. Tell me why if I don't sedate myself before 7pm every night I start behaving so bizarrely that I lose access to the entire bottom tier of maslow's hierarchy. I ask a medical professional and they say I fall under the wrong insurance code to get the medication that makes me feel like I'm real.
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My mom just sent a message to the family group chat suggesting that my siblings download the 'For the Strength of Youth' magazine on their Gospel Library app and talked about how much the youth magazines helped her testimony growing up and like, cool. Fine. Don't know why the 'sending random spiritual thoughts in the gc' thing started out of nowhere when it hadn't been a thing for a decade but this is just another one of those, and you're ofc allowed to talk about things that are significant in your life.
I don't think sending the 'What I Did When Someone Close to Me Challenged My Faith' article right afterwards was strictly necessary though 🙃
#hi bg mutuals 👋 i'm gonna vent about this from time to time. if any mutuals dont want to see it block the 'apostake' tag#trying not to read too much into it b/c I think I did last time something like this happened#and i dont want to make an ass of myself even if neither time would actually be in front of my parents#but like...i know that they know that one of my sisters is clearly PIMO#they went through her phone a couple weeks ago and i have no idea if they read my texts w/ her#but if they did they probably saw the conversation i had with her about some of the really common shelf-breakers#and telling her to take looking into it at her own pace b/c it's scary and overwhelming#(a conversation SHE started btw)#and when i talked to my parents about the larger context of that whole situation i talked about not having space to step back#and their response was that they give plenty of space b/c they dont make her go to seminary???#that's not the same thing as letting her openly question & potentially leave the church idk what to tell you#like. besties i dont know for sure what caused it (which is NOT making things better. it just feels potentially passive aggressive)#but from my end? it sure looks like it might be a reaction to that. probably not JUST that (friends exist) but.#if you think I'm whispering anti-mormon rhetoric into my siblings' ears just ask me. i'm very much NOT doing that#i'm just. talking? to them? when and if they come to me with questions?#and not making my answer 'well there's a reason our parents raised us in the church! ☺️'#(an actual argument given in the article my mom sent)#hate it. thanks#apostake#jay rambles#ok to interact#im not challenging anyone's faith. my patience though? INCREDIBLY challenged#gotta figure out how to work my way around a 'hey please dont send spiritual thoughts to the gc *I'm in*' talk tactfully#they've been pretty chill about me leaving over-all?? at least to my face#haven't pushed me to go to church w/ them; was fine with me not visiting for easter; didnt try to convince me to not drink coffee; etc#it's just. frustrating that they're not giving my siblings that still live with them that same grace#my sister's 17 ffs#it's very possible im way overreacting to the article. but what is tumblr for if not screaming into the void#religion#mormonism
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heartshattering · 2 months
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they should invent a nighttime that doesn't make OCD worse
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da-proti-toku-grem · 2 months
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feeling like a total asshole today 👍
#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night#i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know#so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD#but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying#and i felt absolutely nothing#idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel#like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just?????#that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car)#and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow#and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago#i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back#not right now#not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week#but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go#and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now#and all i can think about is that i'm anxious#i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know#i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it#bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has#but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality#why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain#like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings#i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it#i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it#i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly#so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language)#is easier than talking in spanish#and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind#but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/#i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit
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nellectronic · 4 months
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add “friday night parties” to the list of things I am NOT gonna miss about living in a dorm… I mean noisy neighbors were already on there but this specifically bothers me on so many levels
#see normally I’d just put on my noise cancelling headphones and it’d be whatever but#I am so determined not to fuck up my piercing#and I really don’t wanna tell them to shut up bc it sounds like they’re having fun and I’m in an especially too nice for my own good mood#and! I do genuinely earnestly want them to have fun. I am NOT a hater!! just bc I never got to do any sort of partying and never really#wanted to anyway doesn’t mean I’m gonna project that onto anyone else#but on the other hand friday nights specifically are sacred to me#as the first night of the weekend where I get to sleep in and the first night I don’t have to worry about assignments due the next morning#and also as a kind of religious thing#I don’t really observe shabbat anymore but I never was able to get used to the friday night = party time association#and I don’t particularly want to!! friday nights are for chillin and I like it that way.#anyway all this to say I am trying to enjoy my chill evening and there is NOISE and I’m not gonna do anything about it (at least#until Official Quiet Hours start) but I absolutely will complain#I convinced my mom to get a library card and give me the number so I can read books on libby#(would have gotten one myself but idk if I qualify for one at the library near my school and I’ll be gone in a few months anyway)#and now I am TRYING to read lockwood & co book 1#(yes it is technically a middle grade series. yes I am twenty two years old. if the show is anything to go by it’s a more accurate#portrayal of teenagers than any media I consumed as an actual teen. let me live)#but alas. The Noise#and yeah I know noisy neighbors are not exclusively a dorm thing but I can’t imagine a normal apartment will be nearly this bad#also to be clear this is not a weekly occurrence#I don’t actually think these particular neighbors have given me any issues before#which is part of why I’m feeling so patient with them… probably too patient tbh#I should probably delete this later#probably shouldn’t post it at all but oh well. what’s the point of life if you can’t share every minor annoyance with#a bunch of strangers on the internet?#screams into the void
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cherrysnax · 1 year
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I once heard that dreaming about someone constantly means that they’re thinking about you. Maybe these people miss you too?
kneejerk reaction is that I hope they’re not thinking of me tbh
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#is that the truth? I’m not too sure. I just think it’s be easier to be okay with the concept of everyone forgetting me forever than to sit#with the mortifying possibility of being known and remembered#I don’t remember my hs self fondly so I don’t see why anyone else would yknow#I was already kinda convinced everybody hated me before I vanished so I guess. if ppl are thinking about me it’s negative#it’s scarier if it isn’t lmaoo#I don’t know what’s wrong with me#but yeah I don’t think it works like that nonnie or at the very least I hope it doesn’t <3#I think I’m just a weird guy whose brain is trying to hold on to idealized memories of the past because he’s afraid of growing up#n wishes they had the insight they do now back then. if I had known I was a nb lesbian dealing w massive comp het#if I had known abt the bpd I could’ve realized that I split on ppl and myself#i was so excited to have friends and be cared about man#I hate that little guy I was but I don’t blame them for being stupid and not understanding shit. I wish I could slap my younger self on the#back of the head and be like “’be normal dumbass ur friends like you’’#I uhh often focus on hurting myself more than not hurting the people around me and it was rlly bad back then#asks#nonnie#this is all to say that I think that the constant feeling of instability and academic stress is causing me to subconsciously wish for the#the days I perceive as being easier. it’s a mishmash of real events and things that possibly could’ve been if I was normal#I believe I want a feeling of control or something? idk. idk that contradicts everything#dreams are just dreams. I’m probably just regretting how much of senior year I lost and that’s it
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beesinspades · 2 years
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top surgery in 5 days and my anxiety has been putting me through a rollercoaster these past few days 😭 doing a little better now but I still have the brand new weird anxiety symptom (slight tingling/numbing feeling in left arm and left leg so u can imagine how much that freaked me out) that I had to get checked out to make sure it wasn't actually anything Bad and i just want it to Go Away
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circusgoth-dotcom · 1 year
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i feel like i have such an interesting relationship with the smell of cigarettes and weed (not really sure if it's a unique relationship however)
like i'm fairly used to the smell of weed because we had a neighbour for about two years who would open his porch door and smoke some loud ass grass every once in awhile, i don't really have any strong opinions of it (i've never actually done drugs i'm a poser ik (light-hearted), i'm interested i've just never had the opportunity y'know)
cigarettes however! i don't usually like the smell of active cigarette smoking and it tends to make me cough, but the lingering smell of cigarettes after someone has left the area is incredibly nostalgic and comforting to me. because i'm close with someone who's smoked cigarettes all the time that i've known them and i care about them a lot so i just think of them when i smell it
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fingertipsmp3 · 2 years
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Have accidentally ended up reading 6 books at once. How did this happen. We’re smarter than this
#‘we’re’ is just referring to me. there’s no collective here#anyway i know damn well it’s a bad idea for me to read more than 2-3 books at once because i end up setting at least one to the side#for so long that i either forget what happened in it or lose all enthusiasm or both and have to dnf#but. my brain keeps going ‘bök :)’ and i just end up picking up more of them#does anyone want to know what books they are? well i’m going to tell you anyway#first one i picked up was milk fed by melissa broder. it’s a pretty compelling and easy read; i’m like halfway through#but for some reason i just keep putting it down for several days at a time. it’s just not grabbing me#second was slouching towards bethlehem by joan didion which is absolutely brilliant but i just don’t feel i have the braincells#to adequately appreciate it right now. i really should stick to reading one nonfiction book at a time (will get to the other one soon)#third is jackdaw by kj charles and i’m 3 chapters from the end but i accidentally spoiled the ending for myself and now i’m trying#to convince myself to continue. i mean. i Will continue. i don’t dislike any of ms charles’s work that i’ve read#it’s just difficult to convince myself. this one just.. is not my favourite i won’t lie#i absolutely love jonah but i’m indifferent to ben and i’m kind of feeling like this could’ve been a short story rather than a 200 page book#next one i picked up was into thin air by john krakauer. other nonfiction book. again; i don’t have enough braincells#but i’m really liking it. i feel like i have to convince myself to finish it soon so i don’t forget what’s already happened#fifth is a reread of the starless sea and honestly i know the first time i read this it took me kind of a while so i’m not that concerned#that i keep stopping and starting. it’ll grab me again soon#sixth and final is the ascent of rum doodle. my mom told me to read it when she found out i was reading into thin air & had watched sherpa#i’m only 30 pages in but it’s such a great satire. it won’t take me long to read at all#in summary i’m going to need everyone to leave me alone over the weekend so i can make a dent in these books#i can definitely finish jackdaw; milk fed & rum doodle soon & probably follow those up with thin air#tss & stb will take a bit longer but those require and deserve my full attention#plus i can get back to them literally any time i want. i already know the plot of tss & stb is literally essays so it’s fine#next up.. i have a couple of books about teaching i want to read because i can pass that off as cpd#then i’m hopefully going to reread drowning in fire and then maybe try to finish the magpie lord spinoffs#should be fun!#personal
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