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elizakai · 28 days

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you guys i can’t take this anymore i need to release steam from this pot of killer and dust thoughts that’s on the stove

listen. if you don’t know by now. one of my favorite things to do is bridge narratives between fanon ideas, and canon truths hehe

Killer and Dust. The accepted dynamic is basically killer being a pestering little shit and dust being over it.

THATS GREAT ON ITS OWN it’s funny etc

but think about their ACTUAL characters for a moment. they are two sides of the same coin.

⬇️

i don’t want to hear any of that old fandom “they are literally the same” shhhhh. nuh uh dear friend, they commuted the same (general) action💥

their motives and situations are very different however! which is important when it comes to understanding a character

They both played into an opposite role in their world if you ask me.

Killer partners with chara, filling the role of the player. he’s a lot like flowey actually.

(in killers world, while he is still a pawn of this sick game, he gets manipulated after all, he has taken on the ROLE of the player. everyone else are the pawns.)

dust is against the anomaly of dusttale, which is that worlds player.

dust is a pawn. a pawn that is defying the player of the game

(in the same way that killer is still pawned, dust still uses his fellow “pawns” as a means to “win” the game, meaning he’s also playing)

(but again, i’m speaking role wise)

Killer and Dust’s dynamic doesn’t have to just be haha funny, it has some actual merit and potential to their characters.

Killer is constantly looking for new forms of entertainment. something new. he’ll get bored, and if he’s bored he’ll have to look at himself. killer is very much a character representing disassociation avoidance and to an extent, escapism (huh. like someone playing a video game?)

Of COURSE he’s gonna poke at people. it’s INTERESTING. it gets a REACTION. he gets to have that small power trip of being in control, after feeling like he lost control this is something that’s probably addictive to killer.

meanwhile dust…well. killer acts like his own anomaly in a way. he prods at him, toys with him, he’s leering and he takes pleasure in any reaction dust gives. dust probably would resent this feeling without really knowing why. he feels like some toy, and he’d probably be inclined to even interpret a genuine interaction this way.

this honestly makes dusts inclination to shut off or dull down any emotion make more sense. be as unremarkable as possible, and you’ll be left alone, right?

isn’t that…kind of what sans does? he’ll repeat same lines of dialogue and such when he reallyyy doesn’t have to. he’s being uninteresting. (and no he doesn’t need to remember everything magically for that to be possible. in game he will poke fun at past conversations and dialogue so he’s clearly aware enough)

Killer wants a response, so dust doesn’t give one.

killer wants control and feels like this is a challenge, dust feels cornered and defensive

if they had existed in the same world, it would have been killer vs dust in the end either way.

it’s a big old game of cat and mouse until someone snaps. they need to be given the opportunity to understand their similarities

even in an interpretation where they are in a healthier relationship, in whatever capacity, i think these mindsets would be conflict they may have….

to killer , on one hand he may be OFFENDED by his lack of response. he may be EXCITED, it’s a CHALLENGE. he might take dusts resignation as a sign of submission, which would give killer a HIGE power trip.

he might. genuinely just be trying to have fun?

it could be ENTIRELY lighthearted, and it’s still…rather toxic, considering where that mindset branched from

and we know dust won’t be inclined to say anything. he probably doesn’t understand his own feelings to be frank💀 he just feels gross and intimidated and cornered so he shuts off and sees killer as oppressive , and grows resentful regardless of intent, as these feelings only feed into his crippling self hatred anyways

….thats all for tonight-

#utmv #ut au #undertale #sans aus #dust sans #murder sans #killer sans #bad sanses #THOUGHTS #PLEASE SHARE IM SISBDOD #this is unorganized and i don’t care hee hoo #headcanons #interpretations ig #dusttale #something new au #kist #if we want #😏#or not

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lavendertales · 1 year

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Hello my love! I was wondering if you could write something angsty about Din Djarin. He and the reader are in this “will they or won’t they” type of situation, anytime they get a little too close or too deep in something emotional Din just pushes the reader away cause he can’t expresses his feelings well? It could end in fluff or angst its up to you! Thanks babes

not sure if it comes across as angsty but I do hope you like this fluffy piece, love❤️

tales of the heart—Din Djarin x gn!reader

word count: 833

Joining Din on his missions carried no expectations from either side. You simply provided him with medical assistance when needed and tended to the ship while he was gone and nothing else.

But several situations arose where you truly believed something might happen between you and Din.

You’ve grown close over the course of several months; that much was to be expected. And he had grown very fond and protective of you, but spending so much time with him began to stir a craving deep within you, one you hadn’t really anticipated.

Each touch of his, while innocent, set your skin on fire; each moment spend in proximity to him, pure torture. Even his voice, velvet-like and tender yet raspy, caused your heart to tremble and your body to almost spasm out of control. But you realized that such interactions might be the most you’ll ever get out of your relationship with Din, so you settled with those. Always around you, yet never enough.

One evening, after you made soup for the two of you, a big thunderstorm began. You weren’t a fan of those, and the loud thunders only made you nervous. But Din took notice and instantly wrapped his arms around you, holding you close to him. He didn’t ask you anything, but simply held you. You knew in that moment you were in love with him. But how could you ever let him know that? He was a Mandalorian, a sworn soldier that didn’t care for silly matters of the heart.

But then he brought you even closer to him and removed his chest plate so you’ll have a more comfortable place to rest. Bewildered, you searched for his eyes underneath the helmet, beyond touched.

“Din…”

You weren’t even sure where you were going with that. All you knew is that you needed him to know how you felt, even if it wasn’t mutual. Gods, you were so close to him that if the helmet wouldn’t have been in the way, you would’ve probably felt his warm breath on your lips. The realization made you delirious.

“Din, I—“

“We should… get some sleep. It’s getting late.”

The way he immediately backed away stung and ached, but it wasn’t within reason. He was probably unaccustomed to having people so close to him until you came along. And now even you were under a question mark.

Instances of the same sort kept happening; holding you too close to him seemed to be triggering Din’s fight or flight, in which he chose the latter. He fled from your touch with every chance he got, and the sting you felt turned into a full on bleeding wound. You feared you may have overstepped some boundaries and thus made Din uncomfortable. That must be why he was pushing you away.

You had to settle this before he’d grow sick of you and throw you off the ship.

“Din? Can I ask you something?”

He didn’t answer verbally, but rather with a simple nod of the head. With a knot in your throat, you went on.

“Why are you avoiding me?” you asked, voice already shaky. “It seems you go out of your way to avoid any physical contact with me, even eye contact. You don’t even look at me. Have I done something wrong? Said something?”

Din shook his head almost violently so. “No, no you didn’t.”

“Then what is it? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect anything… personal. I just… I like being with you.”

“You do?”

“Yes. I feel safe with you, and… I like you. I’m… fond of you.”

Underneath the helmet, Din blinked several times, his lungs nearly running out of air.

“I don’t understand,” he confessed.

“What?”

“How you can be… fond of me. You don’t even see me.”

“I don’t need to see you.”

He’s never heard such sweet words from anyone, let alone from someone as wonderful as you.

“It wasn’t something you did. Or said,” he confessed. “It’s me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m not skilled with words. They often fail me, especially since I’ve met you. You’re… very kind and lovely, and… I’m afraid I might be… too fond of you.”

Eyes wide in disbelief, you stared at him for what felt like an eternity.

“I am sworn to the Creed,” he continued. “I only know of loyalty and weapons, making my way through the galaxy. It’s been lonesome, I must admit. But… with you, it is less so. If you’ll have me… I would pledge my loyalty to you until our time in this galaxy runs out.”

Mouth ajar, you kept staring at him in great shock. You didn’t know what else to do.

“Words fail you?” you managed to ask. “What—that’s your idea of not being good? What would it sound like if you think you’d be good?”

Din chuckled, visibly more at ease. “I meant it.”

“So did I. Then… you don’t have to avoid me anymore.”

“Definitely not.”

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purgemarchlockdown · 7 months

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Shidou, Mahiru, Amane and Parenthood

(Also Known As: Shidou and Mahiru are paralleled with Amane's parents and I need to talk about it)

(CW: Child Abuse, Cults)

So the newest interrogation question came out and the question is this:

If you had to make one of the prisoners part of your family, who would you choose?

Amane's answer to it was this:

A: Mahiru Shina. Her innate goodness might have brought the two of us closer, maybe

This is an interesting response for a lot of reasons, especially since the last time we saw Amane and Mahiru interacting they didn't exactly have a pleasant conversation.

23/01/17 (Mahiru’s Birthday)

Amane: Happy birthday. Mahiru-san. How is your body feeling? Mahiru: ……ah, Amane-chan. Thank you. Yeah, I’m fine. Now I can move around if I use a wheelchair…… It’s all thanks to Shidou-san looking after me…… Amane: I’ll give you one warning. The two of you are dabbling in something tabooed. If you continue to go against the way of nature like this, you’ll just bring an early death upon yourself. Think hard about this. Mahiru: Amane-chan……? Are you really Amane-chan……?

If Amane believes that Mahiru is dabbling in something taboo then why does she think Mahiru should be apart of her family? Well let's take a look at how Mahiru and Amane parallel for a bit. At first it doesn't seem like they have much in common but there's actually a substantial amount of connections between them.

The one most important to this discussion is the usage of water and their views on love.

Now water for Amane is punishment, both symbolically and literally. She was waterboarded. However this torture was used to confirm something, her parents "love" for her.

But it’s not scary at all, because it’s love I can actually think of it as a good thing, see isn’t it a great thing?

The thing about Amane Momose is that she's sinful and impure. At least in the eyes of her cult. She's constantly messing up, constantly failing, constantly wanting to run from the trials presented to her.

Dear wise one, Is this ok? Is it ok to be weak sometimes?

In the eyes of her cult Amane Momose needs to be punished so she can become "better." A better girl, a better person, a better follower of god. Under this logic the punishments are her parents way of delivering...salvation, to cleanse Amane Momose's impure soul of it's faults and eventually turn her into a "good girl."

Pain is Love, for all intents and purpose, it means that her parents still care enough about her to try to purify her. Even though she herself knows that it's a lost cause.

Only if, only if, only if I could be a good girl

This is something she shares with Mahiru.

We fought sometimes, I was happy to get hurt Let's have matching pain, this sickness is pretty bad

Do you really think you know what love is? If you do, let's just overheat together

Mahiru believes that if you are in love you share everything, happiness, sorrow, joy, pain. Being together even if you are suffering and unhappy is proof of your "bond."

Giving you love to the point of pulling you down It's just because I still get worried, please forgive me Even when I test you, even the times we do the breakup ritual, Is because I love you

Using this lens we can read the water through a different lens we can see it as...love. Water is love, it is needed for people to live, it is rejuvenating and good.

Now multiple characters have this motif and I won't talk about it in too much detail but both Amane and Mahiru's boyfriend are covered in water, love. Metaphorically or otherwise. Except both of them are submerged in it, drowned even. The version of love Amane was given and the version of love Mahiru gave out was distorted and destructive. With Mahiru's love ultimately leading, in some way or another, to her boyfriend's death.

This makes two lines in their MVs super interesting.

My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care!

You’re sorry? I don’t care! Please, go ahead and die already

This is very similar phrasing but the context is completely different.

When Mahiru says this line she's talking about her love for her boyfriend. Her overly indulgent, suffocating, love. It doesn't matter if it's inconvenient to Him because this is how she shows Her love.

No matter how unaware she was of how unhealthy her relationship was (and I don't think she was malicious at all in her intentions), she was still Actively suffocating him by not taking his feelings into consideration.

Amane however is Reacting to her mother's abuse. Her mother's painful and horrible "love." "Love" that really could have killed her, people aren't supposed to survive waterboarding and electrocution without any medicine, or just in general.

When she goes to her mother and kills her she's doing this because she Hates Her. She doesn't care if she apologies because she never took Her Feelings into account when she punished her.

Not only that but we have this Timeline conversation.

20/07/06

Amane: You want to know about my family……? My father is a truly wonderful person. He’s honest, values fairness and justice above all else, and will work himself to the bone for other people’s sake……. Why do you want to know? Mahiru: Oh, I was just wondering what sort of parents you must have for them to have raised such a good child like you. Fufu, I’ll keep it in mind for the future when I raise my own family. Amane: I see. If it will be of use to you, I’ll tell you more. It’s still a long way off for me, but for someone your age the prospect of finding a partner and having a family must be feeling a lot more real. Now that I think about it, I recall my mother was around your age when she gave birth to me……

Amane's Mother was Mahiru's age when she gave birth to her? Mahiru thinks Amane is a good child and wants to use her parents as examples for how to raise someone like her?

To me, it seems like Mahiru is being paralleled with Amane's parents. Most likely her mother but you could probably argue the father too due to how Amane is (seemingly) on much better terms with him.

Now I've outlined most of the Mahiru-Parent parallels but we also have Shidou.

So, Amane hates Shidou, that's a well-documented opinion. Shidou violates cult rules and doctrine. He "steals" people's trials away. He's evil and horrible and needs to be destroyed.

Amane: Oh – speaking of which, there is one among the prisoners right now. An evil existence that’s trying to steal people’s trials away from them. Es: …! Amane: Shidou Kirisaki… His actions violate our rules. I have given him a warning. If he continues, I suppose it will be inevitable for me to intervene.

However this isn't the only reason why Amane dislikes Shidou, in fact she's disliked him since the start. For reasons completely unrelated to this.

Shidou makes Amane feel small.

Shidou: I…… I just don’t understand. If everything about MILGRAM is true…… why did a child like you have to become a murderer? Just imagining what sort of circumstances must have led to that, it makes me so sad…… Amane: ……*sigh*. Is that right. I don’t think I’m going to get along with you, Shidou-san. I don’t agree with the fact you refuse to acknowledge that I have my own free will, and that I should be held accountable for my actions, just because I’m a child. I may have only been alive for 12 years, but all the choices I’ve made, even if they weren’t the best ones, were entirely my own. What point is there in you getting sad when I have no regrets myself?

His actions are, for lack of a better term, triggering. It reminds Amane of her parents. The lack of control she had over the situation, and how her words meant nothing to them.

She cares about her free will because for most of her life her free will and choices weren't respected. So Shidou disregarding her feelings makes her feel disrespected and uncomfortable.

Is this done out of malice? No but it seems like Shidou is doing this more for his sake than Amane's.

22/06/27 (Amane’s Birthday)

Kazui: What’s up, Shidou-kun? You’re looking pretty down. I guess you must be tired, I’ve been relying on you a lot lately. Shidou: Yeah, I just remembered…… today is Amane’s birthday. I’m just getting a bit sentimental. Kazui: Hmm, it’s unfortunate, but at the moment we can’t worry about that. ……you understand, right? There’s something that you need to do right now. And if you tried talking to her your words definitely won’t reach her. Don’t look at me like that. We’ll just wait until the situation changes. Let’s do our best. Shidou: Yeah. I’ll do what I can. I can’t have a child making a face like that. Even though we’re “murderers”…… we’re also the adults here.

Shidou is Guilt Man. He's absolutely consumed with it, even now that he doesn't want to die his guilt haunts him. In a way, taking care of Amane is a way to "redeem" himself for whatever he did.

He's also presumably coping with the loss of his own children and is projecting that Onto Amane and also Es. You can see this very clearly in his T1 VD.

Shidou: I’m a fine specimen of what a murderer ought to be. I don’t mind when you hand down your judgement, but if it’s possible… Instead of being told by the law that I won’t be forgiven, I wanted a child like you, Es, to tell me that.

Shidou is condescending and makes both Es and Amane feel uncomfortable and disrespected, even if he doesn't want to. His actions harm them because Shidou cares less about them and more about the Idea of them being children.

(My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care!)

The clearest example of how the way he interacts with Amane is this scene in this Timeline.

Amane: I warned you. I can no longer turn a blind eye to this wickedness taking place right in front of us. You’re bringing ruin unto yourself. Do you understand? Shidou: No, I don’t understand. It’s my job as an adult to teach you that throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to make everything go your way. If it’s a test of endurance you want, I’m happy to oblige, Amane.

Now as I've said. Amane likes having her opinions and choices respected, this comes from how they Weren't when she was living with her parents. Most of her positive interactions with people, especially in T2, come from people asking her about her opinions and how she feels about things. Shidou dismissing her emotions and calling them a temper tantrum was one of the worst things he could of possibly said to her. Outright confirming To Amane that Shidou doesn't care about how she feels.

Again that isn't exactly true, Shidou does care, but it doesn't change the affect it has on her does it?

Shidou makes Amane feels small and disrespected and Hurt. Like how her parents made her feel. Amane's just been given a righteous reason to hurt him now, like what she had for her mother.

(This is another reason why I can't exactly say Mahiru is paralleled with her mother and Shidou her father...it's possible we have a bit of a roleswap here.)

In short: 050608 family parallels haunt me forever and ever.

#milgram #amane momose #shidou kirisaki #mahiru shiina #milgram mahiru #milgram shidou #milgram amane #008 #006 #005 #cw child abuse #cw cults #milgram meta #milgram analysis

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girlgerard · 2 years

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I find it very funny that people on twitter try to “cancel” you because of your analysis of gerards relation to gender and try to call it transphobic and obsessiv when they spend their free time analysing every interaction g and frank have in an acrually creepy way and unironically ship frerard. Like it’s hell over there and honestly them insulting u was my last straw leaving mcr twt because omg how brain dead can ppl be

i mean the reality is that whenever something big happens and there’s this massive communal feeling of excitement and shock, there’s going to be a kind of rubber band backlash? and honestly a lot of it is justified i think! i wasn’t online much yesterday, just let my queue run and would post during the show, and i didn’t see the general tone of where the tide had turned on talking about nashville. now that i have, the way people are treating it actually makes me extremely uncomfortable. i use this blog as an emotional vent sort of, like a fun little journal to yell all of my thoughts into without much actual tether to reality. i’m not constructing a literal thesis on my blog. my worst nightmare is any of this actually affecting people in real life. so i actually agree with a lot of the discomfort people feel over how some are reacting to nashville. now that my head’s a bit clearer it also makes me feel a bit gross, because it’s bridging over into shit from 2011 and we can’t go back to that

i do think that a tumblr blog getting ragged on by twitter is very ironic lol but like. if people want to unfollow that’s totally okay! you never have to explain yourself or try and rally a crowd, like it’s literally fine. and in many ways i understand. i’m actually cringing really hard right now at how some people are taking some of my posts from the past week because they’re taking them as if i’m genuinely posing like. a bedrock theory. which is fucked. so i’m kind of slowing down on posting just because i’d feel sick if this ever got out of control.

overall the whole situation will blow over thank god, it kind of already has a bit, and i’m just going to draw back for the time being. i’d never want to dampen the complete joy and fun and silliness that was nashville. my feelings about that show have not changed; my reaction to how people are taking it has.

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soulofapatrick · 1 year

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Closeted Confession - Joel Miller x Reader

Summary: Tommy gets sick of you and Joel dancing around your feelings for each other and takes things into his own hands

Words: 1.6k

Warnings: none really

Y/N’s POV

I’m not gonna deny to myself that I have a massive fucking crush on Joel Miller and have had it ever since he and Ellie got back to Jackson about five months ago. Every time I see him I feel my heart try and escape my chest, my palms get sweaty and it’s like I’m a teenager again with a stupid crush not a twenty four year old woman.

It’s not just his ruggedly good looks that make me swoon. No, it’s the way he moves, the way he talks, the way he seems to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. He’s seen things most people can’t even imagine, yet he’s still here, still fighting and still living.

I see him around town sometimes and all I can do is stare from a distance, a hot blush burning my face whenever he feels me staring and those strikingly warm honey eyes shift from whatever he’s doing or whoever he’s talking to, to me. He’s like a magnet, drawing me in with his quiet strength and piercing gaze. Every time Joel catches me staring, I feel like such an idiot. Here I am, a grown woman, and I can't even control my own emotions around him. But then he smiles that crooked smile of his, and my heart melts all over again.

We’ve had a few small interactions, mostly just polite ‘hello’s or nods of recognition. Each time we've spoken, I've felt a connection between us, a spark of something deeper. I know that he's been through so much, and that he's not looking for anything romantic right now but that doesn’t still my heart and I can't help the way I feel. Tommy, Joel’s younger brother and my best friend, has begun picking up on my feelings towards Joel and has been pushing me towards him, telling me it would do both me and Joel good if we got together. He’s complained about how much sexual tension there is between us whenever Joel bumps into us or vice versa and he’s getting frustrated with the dancing round each other.

There are moments when I feel like maybe, just maybe, Tommy’s right and that Joel does like me back. Like the time we were both working in the garden for this lovely older woman and he reached over to brush a leaf from my shoulder, his fingers lingering there for just a moment longer than necessary. Or the time we were in the Tipsy Bison and he offered me a hand to help me onto the stage to do karaoke after I had had one too many drinks and it was karaoke night. His touch had sent shivers down my spine and later that night those large hands and thick fingers were the forefront of my fantasies about the older man. But then again, there were other times I was just so sure I was just imagining it all, like accidentally hearing him talk to Ellie about his past and how he still wasn’t over the loss of Sarah. Or the time I saw him staring off into the distance, a haunted and lost look on his face as if being swallowed by memories that were more like nightmares.

I think Tommy finally hit his breaking point one afternoon while we were having lunch with him; Maria and Ellie. Joel and I were sitting across from each other, all five of us chatting and laughing but I couldn’t help but feel that spark I always feel between me and Joel. There’s just something about him that just captivates me and every time he looks in my direction my heart skips a beat. We talk and talk and subconsciously I’m leaning forwards, closer to him as if enthralled by his every word and every time our eyes meet I feel myself flushing.

“Hey Joel, there’s something in the closet for you,” Tommy’s speaking, breaking the trace I didn’t realise I was in having been so captured by Joel’s storytelling and only able to look away when he breaks eye contact first to look at his little brother, “Actually Y/N, would you help Joel please?”

“Uhh sure,” I’m standing, pushing my chair back and following Joel towards the hallway closet, brows furrowed as I try to picture what could Tommy want that needed both me and Joel to get it. Joel steps into the small space first and I follow to have the door abruptly slammed behind us, sending us into darkness and a sound of surprise and panic escaping from me when we hear the familiar click of the lock and Tommy’s sing-song voice the other side, “You two can come out once you’ve sorted out all that sexual tension.”

I barely hear Tommy, my hear pounding in my chest and rushing through my ears as I feel a sudden surge of panic at the thought of being trapped here in the dark but strong hands are gripping my jaw, rough pads moving soothingly over my cheeks and I’m calming a little. My eyes are adjusting to the darkness, being able to just see Joel’s outline and features. His jawline is sharp and defined, beard thick and hair a messy mop on his head all soft and fluffy by the looks of it. His eyes are the most striking feature, even in the dark ,as they’re a warm honey brown so full of depth and emotion. I can feel his gaze on me, intense and unwavering and it sends shivers down my spine. There’s a sense of power and strength radiating off of him, both terrifying and exhilarating. He’s leaning closer to me, his breath hot against my cheek and I feel a rush of desire coursing through me.

”Sexual tension, hmmm" Joel teases, voice deep and gravelly, his southern drawl peeking through with a teasing undertone. It’s also warm and comforting, his words having a way of calming my nerves and making me feel totally at ease. He’s waiting to feel me nod or shake my head against his large and calloused hands that are still holding my jaw reassuringly.

I can’t stop the small, nervous laugh at his teasing as some of the tension dissipates from the room. He waits, an equally nervous chuckle escaping him until his breath hitches when I finally nod in response to his question. His hands are moving from my jaw, one resting on my shoulder and the other on my waist as he steps closer.

“Seriously though sweet girl,” Joel’s voice drops to a low murmur, breath warm against my cheek, “I think we need to talk about what has been going on between us.”

I don’t get an opportunity to respond as Joel’s lips press against mine, the kiss full of all the pent up desire and longing it turns out we’ve both been feeling for months now. It’s like a shock of electricity runs through me and I can’t stop the soft moan that escapes in response. I feel as if my body is alive for the first time in a long time, as if all the worries and stresses that had been weighing me down just melt away in his arms. His body feels so strong and solid, pressing me up against the door and I feel his broad chest against mine with his arms wrapping tightly around me to pull us even closer to each other.

He’s pushing one of his thick thighs between my legs, pressing against me in just the right way and suddenly I’m oh so aware of just how much I want him. It’s like everything else fades away and there’s only Joel and the way his touch seems to set me alight. Our kiss becomes more urgent and intense, my hands coming over Joel’s back, feeling the muscles flexing beneath his shirt. His own hands are exploring my body, running over every dip and curve as if trying to memorise it.

Before we can get any further the support of the door on my back gives way and I’m breaking the kiss with a surprised shriek as we both go tumbling. Joel’s hand instinctively moves to the back of my head as we hit the ground with a harsh thud and it feels the wind has been knocked out of us.

Tommy is standing above us, a triumphant grin on his stupid face that I wanna smack but instead I’m grabbing his ankle and pulling, watching the smug smile slip from his face into surprise and shock as he’s suddenly on the floor as well. All three of us looking at each other before we’re bursting into laughter, the tension broken by the absurdity of the situation. I feel so alive, so grateful to have this new and long time coming connection to Joel that goes beyond words. Even if Tommy had interrupted us and is so smug and proud he got his grumpy older brother a girlfriend I know everything will work itself out and we’ll all find a routine.

As we pick ourselves up off the floor, I can't help but feel a sense of anticipation for what's to come. Joel and I have finally admitted our feelings for each other, and I can't wait to explore this newfound relationship with him (and Ellie).

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found--family · 1 year

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i finally finished Bridgewater season 2!

(i know i'm way behind but i was listening on my drive to and from work but then i lost my job and suddenly listening at home felt weird but i binged the last handful of eps this long weekend so now i wanna share some thoughts..)

best finale bits:

- realising francine was spn alumn/battlestar galactica's tricia helfer (wish I'd realised this sooner bc i think i would've enjoyed her character more)

- jeremy becoming an unexpected father to a time travelling kid he spent the whole season vocally not giving a shit about (serious s13!grieving!dean vibes here)

- the setup for season 3! would love to get some pov from folks in the fae realm!

best s2 bits:

- aside from misha, soni has been my fave thing about this series (his voice acting is So Good) and this season we got more vippin and more of him interacting with other characters!

- learning more about jeremy: he visited fairyland as a kid! he was a teen wiccan! he just wants a friend! he's happy without a partner and kids! (the phonecall to his british colleague was a fave scene)

- peyton! wish we'd gotten more of her, hope she returns next season.

- more hillary! she's not in it much but we got a few long scenes with her and it was great to hear her flex her voice acting chops.

- tudyk! i was sceptical at first (i'd really been looking forward to fillion) but he was stellar. his distinct voice is perfect for voice acting and his vocal control and timing was really superb. his and misha's scenes were a highlight but there were also a few delightful and emotional scenes with other characters (including a makeover!)

- MONSTERS. one of the huge draws of this podcast for me was the supernatural element. this season had a bunch of different creatures appear and there were mentions of way more that had me googling and learning so much (yay fic fodder!)

a few s2 cons (imho):

- this season is a lot compared to season 1. more characters, more plot, more at stake. it was hard to keep up with what was going on specifically with all the fae stuff. i had to relisten to numerous scenes multiple times to grasp what was happening.

- it kinda feels like season 1 was written not knowing how everything would play out bc all the fae stuff feels shoehorned into the relevant parts of the s1 narrative. they make it work but some explanations seemed like a bit of a stretch.

- as much as i love her on-screen, i didn't really enjoy helfer in this. i don't know whether it's because i found her character annoying from the jump or if it was her vocal style being a little too overdramatic and on the nose (that could've been a director's decision in which case it makes sense, but i really didn't enjoy her personality as the legend tripper or her almost comical portrayal as fae)

- the finale was a lot of exposition, and it got very convoluted with different characters wanting to sacrifice themselves over each other, and the whole fae deal thing was still unclear and confusing despite being explained. tbh i was bored for most of it.

- the first 19 minutes of the finale was an uninterrupted convo between jeremy and francine. that's too long, it's half the damn episode. and francine was doing most of the talking (almost monologuing) and since she's the badguy of the season it felt like a poor choice (or maybe that's just my bias for not liking her portrayal?)

- anne and thomas going through the portal made total sense and I'm glad that's what happened bc thomas was sick and anne had missed her life BUT that made all the arguments over who should go that much more pointless. the arguments felt like filler, going round in circles with people ignoring each other's sound reasoning.

- there were quite a few noticeable editing mistakes this season: chopped dialogue poorly stitched together, misspoken words, and dead air that did nothing to set the tone but instead felt like they hadn't bothered fixing.

closing thoughts:

i preferred the mystery of season 1. this season was a lot of focus on the how's and why's of all the monster and fae stuff with character studies crammed between, whereas season 1 was more concise in the investigation and character focus and there was always room to wonder what was going on (i preferred that) but there was also room for the narrative to breathe; season 2 is crowded. it's a lot of fast dialogue and info dumping, a lot of characters - some interesting, some annoying, a few pointless. I'd listen again for clarity and enjoyment of particular scenes and dynamics, but more often than not i found myself confused, left with more questions than answers, and therefore not being able to enjoy the journey. there were definite high points, including the many monster cameos, but it lost that eery feel that season 1 did so well; this season felt like multiple genres rolled into one with all of them fighting for dominance - horror, fantasy, drama, mystery - whereas season 1 melded themes and genres effortlessly. season 2 also didn't have the emotional chords that season 1 played so beautifully (I'm looking at you, emotional jeremy realising his whole life was a lie) the finale should've been a tear-jerker, it wasn't.

it's always hard to follow the success of a first season, especially when the second decides to explain all the mysteries season 1 set up - and given how season 1 ended there was a lot that needed explaining. unfortunately (for me) the story felt caught up in the details and yet it explained things without explaining things leaving me wanting for clarity that never came. often it didn't bother setting the tone (or an intriguing tone) and more characters meant less misha which is always disheartening.

i'm looking forward to season 3 with papa!jeremy(?) and fae realm content (I'd love more fae) i just hope they can recapture the thematic feel of season 1 (it can be a different vibe but it has to permeate the narrative) and refocus on our main folk (jeremy, vippin, anne, thomas, olivia) instead of introducing too many new characters and elements that will steal more scene time.

#Bridgewater #thoughts #spoilers #honest review

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farlynthordens · 2 years

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vol 8 thoughts and vol 9 theories

Ok so. That was a lot.

I honestly had expected vol 8 to be way, way worse cuz I thought the mpreg was going to be the focus of the entire volume and it would just generally be uncomfortable and/or explained poorly. But it actually was not that bad.

Yes it is still weird that it implies bisco had been making milo pregnant slowly and by accident over the course of the couple years they knew each other, but this is also so fucking funny I can't be mad about it. ALSO PAWOO JUST ACCEPTS THAT THIS HAPPENED WITHOUT BATTING AN EYE. Like she finds out her brother somehow gave birth and is like "yeah ok cool, time to teach my step-daughter some sick polearm skills."

I also want to point out that milo was So Chill in this volume. yeah I know he threatened to torture someone that one time, but this is still, somehow, The Most Normal he has been since vol 1.

Why was he so much more chill, you may ask? Let's recall that vol 7 ended with him finally admitting his love to bisco, and then they+pawoo eloped together. Milo and bisco are often referred to by other charas in vol 8 as "a couple" or are insinuated to be lovers. So uh. Yeah. I think milo finally chilled tf out because he and bisco officially became A Thing, so now he isn’t constantly pining or playing watchdog for anyone who may flirt with bisco. And they also. They probably h

They

(meme made by peter megacarapa, thank you for your service)

Yeah :)

one thing that i was SO happy about with this volume was the lore related to jabi. i was really worried that he would never be brought up again, because after dying at the end of 6 he not mentioned at all in 7. i’m glad we got to see some emotional moments related to him - finding out that jabi lied to bisco about his mom being dead, marie learning of his death and quietly mourning him, jabi’s spirit appearing in bisco’s dream... all of those moments were really, really good.

plotholes!

The series isn’t unfamiliar with plotholes, but there were some in this volume that I felt were particularly big? namely:

The thing with the prayershrooms never ends up going anywhere

Marie takes bisco to look for prayershrooms, which can be used to alter someone’s soul and change the way they think. she intended to have sugar eat them in order to control the ways sugar could use her powers, saying that without them, she could destroy the world by throwing a tantrum or erase people from existence if they upset her. they do collect the prayershrooms, but nothing is ever done with them nor are they mentioned again.

i think the volume would have progressed VERY differently had she gone thru with it, as marie could have potentially manipulated sugar to do her bidding without bisco/milo realizing til it was too late. sugar would have been very helpful in carrying out her plan to rewrite the world.

It’s never explained how pawoo knows that sugar was born

Milo never told anyone about his feeling sick, and pawoo is not with them when sugar is born. bisco and milo subsequently go missing for a few days. the only others who know about sugar’s existence at this point are marie, meah, and youkan, none of whom pawoo interacts with in the time between escaping her room and meeting sugar. there is literally no way pawoo would have known

8 ending / 9 predictions

It had a lot of the typical end-of-series pairing off of characters and overall a very large focus on familial/romantic relationships and children. The epilogue also seemed to give a semi-conclusive end? Sugar and salt have grown up and gone off to do their own things, and the main trio is living happily and peacefully together. The world seems to have become a calmer place. So it feels like this was the closing of the main story.

But the tagline for vol 9 makes it sound like it's still focused on bisco and milo, which I mean.... is likely. The thing that confuses me about it is that they're still referred to as "boys", even tho by the end of vol 8's epilogue they would be in their 40s. It also states that this is taking place in the distant future. SO I think we can theorize a couple of options:

It happens during the 20 year gap we skipped, during which they time travel to the future

It’s bisco and milo's future reincarnations (apollo and domino......... TWO!!!!!!)

It’s a completely non canon story just for funsies

It’s an alternate timeline

i think all of these except the 3rd are very much on the table. i can’t see cobkubo making a whole volume that’s not actually part of canon

anyway I hope yall have enjoyed coming on this adventure w me and let's look forward to whatever happens next 😊 I'm curious if any of yall have your own theories about 9 lol

#sabikui bisco #rust eater bisco #sbkb summary series

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s4crificial-a · 1 year

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@eternasci ; What intrigues you more? Intrapersonal or Interpersonal character focus? E.g., your character's inner conflict, or conflict derived from external sources, such as another character?

UNPROMPTED !

okay, i love this. so. intrapersonal, meaning occurring within the self, or one’s mind—that is my style. i put a lot of emphasis on what’s going on inside my muse’s mind because my muses are mentally ill and it’s fascinating to know how they navigate the world. they have so much internal conflict, that any external conflict usually sends them over the edge. and i do this for many reasons.

it’s about context, as in, what you’re writing and who you’re writing for. if i was writing a novel, i’d have more external conflict because all the muses are mine and i know what they’re gonna say and how they react. when you’re roleplaying, i don’t care how much you plot, you have no idea how your partner’s muse is going to react to certain things. so instead of focusing on something you can’t control, it’s easier and more engaging for me to go inward.

take beck for example. if i didn’t go deep into his mind, he would just be crazy and weird. but because i’m focusing on what’s going on inside, now people know that he has a mental illness and it literally affects everything he does because he’s undiagnosed and unmedicated. now you know why he’s smashing furniture. it’s because destroying things and creating chaos makes him feel in control.

same with tsurya. tsurya is the main reason why i go so deep because people need to understand that he’s just not some sad dude who can’t get over his trauma. this man is broken, so the way he views the world is very important when it comes to interacting with other people and conflicts. he cannot handle conflict. that’s why it makes sense, in his mind, to go to extremes because he lacks emotional regulation. his brain does not have the capacity to think of future consequences because of his complex PTSD. he is always stuck in the past.

now, back to the main point. i don’t know if people are aware of this, but when you create a character to be played on this hellsite, they are not going to survive without a strong internal conflict. why? because they rely too much on outside interactions/conflicts to sustain their character and you need something to fuel these interactions beyond bumping into one another.

a great example of this? beck. at face value, he’s a nice boy. okay, cute. that’s a cute character. but what if i open up and reveal that he’s fake? what if i made him have anger issues resulting from his abusive relationship with his dad? what if i make him manipulative because he learned that from his mom? what if he has some unresolved trauma from being this so-called nice boy? what if he’s sick and tired of being nice in this messed up world?

suddenly, we have a person.

everyone IRL carries these intrapersonal conflicts, that’s what makes characters relatable. going back to beck, who is my most popular muse. his intrapersonal conflicts influence how he reacts to interpersonal conflicts. and that’s what makes beck, well, him. (same goes for all my muses!)

in short, it’s never about one or the other. it’s about how one influences the other. they’re supposed to be in tandem. that’s where the characterization comes from aka how your muse interacts with the world. both intrigue me, but intrapersonal is my favorite.

#eternasci #{ ooc } — it be yara.#/ i feel like you asked me a simple question and i just ranted #/ did y'all know that i'm qualified to teach college level writing #/ >.> everyday ya learn something new about yarabara #/ but if you read my writing and catch mistakes ssssh no you didn't-#/ lmaoo

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thegoldenheiress · 1 year

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❝ Here is another glass of wine. ❞ Hope offers out a glass to the woman that she has been hanging out with a lot lately. The two of them in a hotel room while her phone plays SILENT NIGHT. 𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐃𝐀𝐘 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 @queenifice

#queenifice #* … ( INTERACTIONS. ) ⠀ › ⠀ i’m so sick of being controlled by my emotions.#* … ( ARC : UNDECIDED. ) ⠀ › ⠀ one of the strongest creatures in the world but broken beyond repair. the definition of cursed.

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scatterpatter · 2 years

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Some long-overdue rants about Dp/Dr

Man this post was years in the making. Most dpdr posts I make tend to be pretty lighthearted in nature mostly to cope and shit but like. It’s a disorder at the end of the day and boy howdy do I have some frustrations after coming out of one of my longest/worst spells I’ve had in a long time

cw for mental illness, dissociation, negativity(largely directed at the self), ptsd, etc etc etc, seriously you aint missing out by scrolling past I just want this out of my head and somewhere tangible

MAN FUCK DP/DR. ALL MY HOMIES HATE DP/DR.

I am. So fuckin sick of it. I am so god damn sick that my main response to trauma and stressors is to literally step outside of my own goddamn body and/or step into a distorted reality because my brain is that desperate to get out of this one, if only a short time

I’m so sick of how fucking invisible it is, and how invisible it makes me feel. I know it’s a good thing that I can act so much like myself that people don’t suspect a thing(or at worst, think I’m just tired or a lil sick), but also I just want to feel fucking sseeeeeeeen. It frustrates me to such a goddamn degree that sometimes I wish my abusers left physical scars, at least then someone, anyone, could see evidence of what i went through time after fucking time. And yesssss before anyone fuckin says it I know its not healthy to have wished for physical trauma on top of everything else but when a goddamn cycle of emotional abuse gets ingrained in you time after time after fuuuucking time, you kinda start to wish someone could see your struggle as more than just “Oh he’s ~sensitive~ haha what a baby.” And yessssss the whole point of it is so that I can socially blend in even when my mind has totally checked out, the point of it is to be invisible, but that doesnt make it any less frustrating

I’m so sick of having to rely on my dissociative spells as much as I do. I gave some of the different states I find myself in names, faces, hell even slight personality differences because Im just that desperate to be comforted even if it has to come from myself, to make the spells less scary, to put names and faces to what Im going through. I want to be grateful for them, after all in a sense I sort of made them and they’re only trying to protect me but I don’t want to need them. I don’t want to put someone who only vaguely resembles me into my body and in control over my words and actions, but I don’t exactly have a say in the manner and it’s comforting and frustrating all at once

I’m sick of the memory fog. I’m sick of having a memory of something mere hours ago but it feeling like weeks ago. My memories while dissociating make me feel like I was drunk and on the edge of blackout drunk- and people wonder why I avoid drinking most of the time. Time moves distortedly and I’m just tired of having to lay on the floor for what feels like 5 minutes only for 2 hours to pass. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep in the middle of an absolute breakdown, only to wake up the next morning an entirely different person, only vague recollections of that breakdown surfacing as if it were just a dream

I’m so so so sick of it getting harder and harder to tell the difference between my dreams, my intrusive thoughts, and reality

I’m fuckin sick of having to put a wall up before most social interactions. Having to either go into an interaction already-dissociating or having that dissociative spell on standby ready to go the second things go wrong because things always go wrong. Either I say something- even if its personal- and am just- wrong. In one way or another what Im doing is wrong and needs to be corrected. It’s either that, or it’s me saying something stupid and getting laughed at/made fun of because ~Haha Scatter always says something stupid and funny~, or it’s me saying something that gets taken in such the opposite manner in which I meant to say something that I’m left there in that empty shell of my projection of self just wondering how I’m being so misinterpreted- do I really come across as that vicious and vile as a person? Everyone always agrees so it must be true but what is it that I do thats so different from everyone else that I’m always seen as this bad??? It’s. Always. Something. I can’t remember the last social interaction I’ve had where at least one person doesn’t call me out for doing something wrong. And it’s. So. Tiring. To be in a position where no matter what I do it’s always wrong in one way or another but I have no choice but to put Damien behind the wheel and just take it because who am I to say that they’re wrong? I cant remember the last time any of my friends have seen the real me, so who am I to say that isnt who I am. That’s not even me. It’s just a projection of myself that acts in a way I think people will like but in one way or another I always get it wrong and it’s always so quick and so sudden to be told how wrong I always am.

I’m sick of Roy being right. I’m so sick of his logic that, the less we talk to people, the less they make fun of us. And then I go into an interaction where speaking or even typing is so physically hard. Where I feel so incredibly muted. But at the end of the day I come out of that interaction and all I can think of was how right Roy was. It doesn’t stop entirely, but it does lessen the amount of times people call me out or make fun of me and it only incentivizes him to take that approach more and more often. It’s confirmation bias and I haaaate that. I’m so sick that I have a game I call “How long can I not engage with someone telling me how awful I am before they finally drop it” and not only is it a game I have to play more often than I like to admit but it’s a game that works.

I’m sick of Damien stepping in to take the emotional blow. But of course he would, why wouldn’t he??? It’s so, so much easier to take everything thrown at you when it’s not you anymore. They’re not making fun of me anymore, they’re making fun of someone who’s not here. Someone who’s not me. I know my new years resolution was to feel like a real person again but its so, so hard to actively work towards that goal when it’s so, so, so much easier to not be a person

I’m sick of Hyde stepping in to try and be me to the best of his ability but at the end of the day, he’s acting like nothing’s wrong just as much as I am. It’s frustrating that when he speaks, it’s often not even fully in my dialogue, there’s usually some vocal quirk or something in there and it scares me because I don’t want people to notice. It’s like cracks in ice, cracks in my facade, and it risks shattering if someone draws too much attention to it. But he can’t be a perfect replica of me, and I can’t fault him for that. How is anyone supposed to do a perfect impression of someone who’s happy, who’s always there to be that emotional support, who’s the strong one, if the real one is busing having a panic attack or just shutting down entirely???

I’m just tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a face I should recognize but I don’t

I’m just so. Fucking. Tired.

I’m not even tired of having dp/dr honestly. I’m just tired at how much im required to use it. My abusers are long gone, I havent seen any of them in years, they’re not here to hurt me anymore, I shouldnt need these coping mechanisms anymore, but I just. Keep finding myself in situation after situation where the cycle has to continue and I just keep needing my dissociative spells. Even if they’re not here anymore, constant situations occur that reinforces everything they did to me and it just. It just frustrates me that something so invisible is what keeps me alive, and it’s endlessly tiring.

And it’s not like I’m not trying! It’s not like I’m not trying to be a better person, and trying to actually love myself and see the value in myself after so many years of being told time and time again the opposite, but it’s just an uphill battle and it’s hard and it’s tiring. And I want to believe when someone tells me I’m loved by my loved ones, but like... honestly it’s just. Hard to believe that when not only is every interaction negative towards me in one way or another, but the person they’ve come to recognize as “me” isn’t even me. And if that ghost of me is as horrible as I’m always told they are, imagine what they’d do if they saw the actual me.

I just wanna throw up tbh

Can you tell this post went from angry to just. Tired??? Idk man if you’ve made it this far then thanks for sticking around. I just. Had a spell that lasted nearly the entire holiday weekend and it ended in an absolute breakdown that I barely even remember, which i guess is for the better. Im just tired of dp/dr being as needed as it is for me. Idk. Bottom text.

#vent #rant #dissociation tw #dpdr tw #mental health tw #negativity #i wanna say dont reblog but honestly i wouldnt mind. just pls dont vent dump on this post or derail or anything like that idk

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stalkingmyfriends · 2 days

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I have a problem with relinquishing control over my life and emotional state.

I need therapy, but I don’t want to have to rely on a therapist to help me for a variety of reasons, not the lease of which being my insurance liking to pull an insurance and make everything complicated. But also I just don’t trust people.

So instead I’ve gotten very good at self therapy

Which is great

Most of my emotional problems are solved

Except for my complete inability to trust anyone or anything with my whole self.

My partner is very sweet and I think I could trust him with anything, but i can’t trust people to take care of me on a fundamental level.

It’s fun, because anyone who knows me probably thinks a trust everyone whole heartedly with no qualms, my parents think I’m a chronic oversharer, but I don’t actually tell them shit.

I literally laid in bed for hours this morning because I just didn’t want to interact with anyone while I’m sick because I can’t be vulnerable around other human beings

#gosh #I gots problems #autism #adhd #i need therapy #but with the person

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faralfawcett · 1 month

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it’s march 21st. 68° outside and too hot to be cold but too cold to be hot. i’m finally well enough to drive, and it’s exhilarating and terrifying. i’m stressed because of everything and because i have to act as if i’m not undergoing some life changing emotional evolution internally. i haven’t vaped in 53 days and it feels embarrassing to have been addicted to “lemon mint” and “cola ice” nicotine pacifiers for as many years as i was. unfortunately, i’ve replaced the oral fixation and nicotine craving with my dab pen. i’m high constantly, more than i was before, but in a less potent way.

everything feels derealized and like i’m finding out patterns of life and topics of conversation and subjects of interest all for the first time. it’s a weird feeling i’ve had ever since i was a kid, i think de-realizing is what it is? i can’t be sure. the first memory i have of something like this happening was when i was a child sitting on the stairs looking at our dog Sierra. she was a pretty tan colored miniature sheltie with “cleopatra,” winged, beady black eyes. i had mixed feelings about poor Sierra, who was disabled from breaking her back legs as a puppy and from bad genetics; we were neglected in similar ways. i remember staring deep into her eyes on her little foxy face and thinking—feeling— “this is so strange, a little animal in my house who is so beautiful and who i cannot communicate with looking at me in my soul, and this happens everywhere, this is a pet.”

sometimes i worry the ptsd will make me schizophrenic. i worry a lot about the tactile and auditory hallucinations i have. i’ve gotten better at ignoring them but they’re too regular and well documented in my mind over the past three years to brush off. since i broke my leg i feel like i’ve gotten to know myself better than i have before. all the ugly things i’m realizing about myself… they keep me up at night. there’s always a level of shame around my broken personhood. an amygdala stuck in flight and fight and freeze, always feeling aroused when i’m nervous, and i’m nervous all the time. so i’m horny all the time, but not of my own volition. this makes me feel even more ashamed.

spring and summer, while they save me from frozen depression, they lead me into another type of summer depression. a depression that reminds me of months at home with my mom and dad and little brothers. it reminds me of the little nest i made in neglected and overgrown grass where i would lay and look at the sky, the grass was thick and soft and shaded slightly. i remember going out to my secret sacred shaded spot and finding that Sierra had shit directly in the middle of it. i’ll never forget the strange and hollow feeling of nothing belonging to me, and me belonging nowhere.

all of these feelings around childhood are the safe ones, the ones i can explain or understand why i would remember. the memories that rear their ugly heads as i close my eyes to sleep are the ones i’m desperately trying to keep from bubbling to the surface. so much is changing and i can’t afford to lose it. the pressure of keeping it inside makes me engage in risky behaviors and i’m aware of them even while they’re happening. it’s strange because you always think of erratic and risky behavior as being out of control, and for me they are the most controlled behaviors i will ever act out. even now i’m planning to take an oxy and an edible when i’m done with physical therapy.

so far i like physical therapy, it feels good to move. i like my doctor, he’s old and i think he likes my nails and my face in a sexual way because he has been very complimentary. in a sick way i welcome it, and made sure to glue my thumb nail back on when it popped off last night. observation and interaction games are fun for me. i’ll be interested to see what nail styles he likes and how this will develop as i recover. i feel like in an odd way this moment of my life is forcing me to reintegrate the parts of myself i’m most ashamed of.

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inthiseternalmoment · 7 months

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Even in my dreams I’m trying to connect Ashayana Deane to Bashar

I’m trying to figure out how to interpret my nonsense dreams in general. Also another interesting aspect of coming back to myself without 🌽

9/19/2023

Dreamed I was in a classroom setting where Ashayana Deane and Bashar were both there to answer questions and although I got to interact with both (and they were both very kind and informative), I still wasn’t able to get my questions answered on the idea of the 6th hybrid race connects to the idea of the crystal river fail safe/human ascension.

There were many people in the class and only so much time that I couldn’t get all my questions answered before we moved on.

I was also able to see Ashayana tear up as someone else in the class (felt like another source of spiritual information but I don’t remember who she was) turned out to be a spiritual teacher for Ashayana in a past life.

With my interactions with Ashayana, she even pulled out a very loud demon from my field. I don’t remember what it was responsible for, but she let me know how loud it was about being vital to my life. As it was happening, though, I don’t remember feeling much of anything 😅

The class only had Bashar and Ashayana for a short time, because shortly after everything shifted to where there was a teacher at the front of the class (I suppose he was teaching more technical spirituality) who was telling us that we were going to have a pop quiz on homework that was due today. I was freaking out because I didn’t do the homework and therefore didn’t study.

Then the dream shifted to where I left the school and drove in my car while controlling another vehicle/person remotely in front of me. I ended up going to some Albertsons-type place a few minutes before closing. The remote control vehicle ended up shifting into a remote control person, and I was worried that I couldn’t navigate it enough to look convincingly human to everyone around me on the street/in the store.

…

I’ve been dreaming more often these days but I am having trouble constantly writing about them. So much of it feels like nonsense 😪

The last dream I had that I didn’t log was basically about how I was trying to be emotional support for Kim Kardashian because her kid got sick at an event and she was so worried about not just the kid but also the social stigma she would face for being a “bad parent” and it was emotional for me because I told her that I had my own wound with my mother and I don’t like how misunderstood mothers are.

What am I seriously supposed to do with all this info??

Yes, I welcome messages in whatever form they come, and at the same time, this is such a choice way to deliver them to me because my physical brain can only make so much sense out of them. I suppose I’m a little frustrated with this, tbh. I don’t mean to be – I’m also very grateful. I think it’s that I don’t want to feel obligated to record every single dream I have as a way to make sense of it. I’m already journaling every day so it can be a lot sometimes 😭

…

One thing did come up yesterday, though: another way that I’m coming back to myself is my relationship with 🌽. I’ve stopped using in for a while now and I’m coming back to the time where I would just connect to myself for self pleasure. It’s having me wonder what other things will begin to “come back to” my younger self.

It’s kind of like that episode in Family Guy where Stewie gets reverse-born because time moves backwards 🫢

#personal #dream #september #2023 #9/19/2023 #27

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kellss1 · 1 year

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13/12/22 2:05

Back here on Tumblr again, why I don’t really know but i’m going be venting, so for the people seeing these posts, no you don’t.

Don’t know if it will help but oh well, why not right? Can’t hurt to try, so yeah…. What’s even stopping me, its not like I even know anyone here and wtf do I care even if someone reads this.

So funny thinking you like don’t care what people think when its basically all you can think about, damn that sounded reaaally sad lol.

Basically just keep scrolling, i’m just doing my thing. Not that you are not allowed to interact but I mean, again see what I mean, its like the explaining like whyyy would you do that, what de fuck do I care, my god. Sometimes you just get so Sick of being the way you are.

Okay, typing it down, that felt better. Otherwise its just “there” in my head floating around. I think this will be my private thoughts, preferably better described than this but oh well its progress.

Just me and the screen typing away, I like the sound of that, no shame, no awkwardness, just me writing what even the hell I feel like writing.

Kinda like overcoming the fear of like outing feelings and being emotional and even making the feelings real by finally adressing them and talking about them, even if it is just talking to myself or a screen whatever you prefer, or you know I prefer to call it.

And even now im sitting here with the urge to read though it, like is this weird, did I write something weird, but what if someone reads this? What will they think? Will they think im weird? Doing it for attention? Seeking out empathy? But just to remind myself, even if people did feel that way, I wouldn’t even know so why do I struggle with it so much, I genuinely do not understand it. What made me this way, this ghots of who I was and who I want to be. Am I ever going to get there? Get rid of this? Why do we do this to ourselves? Never enough? Or always to much? Do I even like myself, know myself. Am I really alive, like you know living a life. Having a life, is any of it real?

Its a game right so why don’t I just play it. But I can’t because im scared, scared to let go, of what people might think, and where even should I start. How do I even play this game, it was never taught to me. Does anyone even know how to play it? Is everyone like me, unknowing?

I probably should just go to bed, but that’s the thing I want to sleep, I just don’t want to wake up again the same way as I am now. Don’t get me wrong I want to live, truly. I have plans, ideas, feelings. How to express them thats another part but I want to experience things. What I don’t really know, it seems like everyone knows but me. Always looking up to something, so easy its right there, but yet so far. Getting it and then nothing, it does not feel the way I expected it to, is this normal? Am i? What is it supposed to feel like?

Life, it seems so good for everyone right. Well, wrong, I think many people live like this, like we’re in a simulation. Just living, doing close to nothing actually. What does it mean to live? Do die? What is the difference even? Can you be dead while still alive? What if just your body is alive? And my mind has already passed on?

What is my mind? Am I it, or is it me? And who controls who? Is there even control. If so, who is in my head. This double feeling of 2 persons being inside my brain fighting. Why is that? Is that my consciousness? Is feeling fighting logic? Or consciousness fighting fear?

I know many people around the world might also feel this way, but what I don’t understand is. Why, why would I lay awake at night over all this, so many thoughts all at once, all over the place. I don’t think people around me would even understand if I tried to explain my thoughts. You know I think this is the most I’ve ever let someone in my thoughts, know me, what I think, feel. It makes me sad, confused and a bit disappointed that you know I don’t get this with the people around me. I don’t know why I hold my tong. And don’t get me wrong I can talk, laugh, all the normal things but it al just means nothing. Is is even really me? Is this?

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davidwilliampsychicmedium · 1 year

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7 Signs Of Psychic Attack

7 Signs Your Under Psychic Attack

Hey Beautiful Soul,

Ever had that feeling someone’s throwing shade at you?

You know what I’m talking about when the hair’s on the back of your neck go up, that chill down your spine (Like someone’s poured ice down your top) AND goosebumps appear all over your arms that leave your hairs standing on end.

Then someone you know pop’s into your thoughts and your left feeling:

Sick

Nauseous (Like your on a boat)

Dizzy (Like the room’s spinning)

With a blinding headache like a migraine

And you’re left wondering why? or thinking WTF?

These are signs you’re under Psychic Attack.

Read on to find out more…

Been Googling “Am I under Psychic Attack?” then you’re in the right place.

If you can say yes to any of the following then you may be under Psychic Attack and you’ve been completely unaware of it until now.

You’re Exhausted, All The Time.

You’ve A Recurring Cold or Fever That Won’t Go Away.

Unusual Mood Swings, Which Isn’t Normal For You.

Depressed and Down Even When Life Seems Good.

These are all signs and symptoms that on an energetic level you’re under Psychic Attack.

What is a Psychic Attack?

A Psychic Attack is when an individual consciously, deliberately and intentionally sends negative energy your way with the intention of wanting to hurt or harm you psychically, emotionally, mentally and even physically.

The Encyclopaedia of World Problems describes a Psychic Attack as a Paranormal Assault.

Psychic Attacks have a vicious, jealous, envious, resentful and spiteful energy about them which means somebodies emotions have been stirred up and they’ve got a grievance against you so they’re hurling negative energy your way to cause you as much trouble as possible.

The level of Psychic Attack you’re under depends on the level of ill will being sent your way. It’s the force and intention behind the energy being sent that determines how powerful the attack’s going to be against you.

A Psychic Attack can be triggered from something as little as someone thinking a negative thought about you right through to someone holding a serious grudge against you that they��ve become so obsessed about hurting you it’s all they can think about.

Sometimes someone may not even realise they’ve sent a Psychic Attack your way. It can trigger by someone simply having a momentary flash of anger right through to someone sitting there brooding about you every second, of every minute, of every hour, every day (Obsessive).

Mostly though Psychic Attacks are sent willingly and intentionally and can hold more power when sent by those who have an understanding of the occult, the paranormal or have a spiritual or cultural understanding of curses, incantations, voodoo, black magic, witchcraft, spellworking and even necromancy.

How Are Psychic Attacks Sent?

Psychic attacks can be sent out in different forms such as:

Negative / Angry / Jealous Thoughts

Verbal Abuse

Gossiping

Controlling Others Through Emotional Manipulation

Black Magic / Spell Working

Voodoo

Evil Spells / Curses

Incantations

Witchcraft

Necromancy

Who Can Send Out A Psychic Attack?

Anyone can send a Psychic Attack to another person BUT a Psychic Attack is a very personal type of attack which means they're mostly sent by people we know or have had a connection / interaction with rather than being sent by a random stranger.

Whoever’s sending out the Psychic Attack is trying to bring negativity, pain, distress and upset into your life and their wanting to create havoc on purpose as they hold a some type of grudge against you. So be aware, be vigilant and be careful.

Remember the person sending you a Psychic Attack could potentially be mentally ill or someone who enjoys causing problems for others just for the hell of it because they can.

How Do I Know Who’s Behind My Psychic Attack?

Sometimes it can be really easy to know exactly where the source of Psychic Attack is coming from. Think about love that’s turn’t to hate, is there anyone you’ve recently broke up with? Or an ex who just can’t get over you? Has a Soul Mate turn’t to a Twin Flames and now you’re Twin Flame is giving you the “Evil Eye”?

Ask yourself: Who has reason to be jealous of you?

A sibling, a work colleague, even your BFF? Do you have a “Frenemy” You know someone pretending to be your friend but who’s really seriously jealous of you?

Ask yourself: Do you have something or someone in your life somebody else wants?

I ask this as Psychic Attack’s have an insidious, crafty, sneaky, vile, vicious and jealous energy about them. Which can be caused simply because we have something in our lives that somebody else wants and they’re willing do to anything to get it.

Finally: Is there anybody you’ve recently upset?

Again think about any recent arguments or disagreements you’d had with anyone even if it’s a minor altercation with a Psychic Attack there’s no telling why somebody’s willing to throw shade you’re way other than they think you’ve done them an injustice. Crazy I know but it’s true

7 Signs You’re Under Psychic Attack

Here are 7 signs you’re under Psychic Attack:

Headaches.

Exhaustion.

Depression or feeling Overwhelmed.

Experiencing the feeling of being watched.

Stabbing pain in the back.

Feeling like you are in a fog.

Quick sudden bursts of nausea.

People under Psychic Attack can often experience one of the above symptoms alone but usually they’ll happen in various combination’s.

For example, you wake up feeling high vibe, looking forward to your day and then suddenly BAM! Your floored by an excruciating blinding headache followed by sheer exhaustion or a sudden burst of nausea that you can’t get rid of.

Or you get a feeling you’re being watched, you know when the hairs on the back of your neck stand up for no reason, goosebumps up your arms with a sudden stabbing pain in the back, literally like you’ve just been stabbed in the back. That’s a Psychic Attack.

Some of the other symptoms people report when they’re under Psychic Attack are:

Ongoing Negative Emotions:

I mentioned above about feelings of Depression or feeling overwhelmed all the time, no matter what you do or try you just can’t seem to shake off these ongoing negative emotions like they’re stuck to you. That’s because they are.

Negative emotions are being shot at you like bullets or like someone’s throwing psychic darts at you and they’re sticking to your energy, clinging to you like a parasite sucking your good energy dry.

An Ongoing Streak of Bad Luck:

A sudden unexpected streak of bad luck is another sign you’re under Psychic Attack. Nothing will seem to go right or more accurately everything you do will go wrong. From the flat tire on your car to losing your keys or clumsy little things like people always bumping into you causing you to spill things to really extreme back luck like a car accident or even losing your job. They’re all signs that point to someone giving you “The Evil Eye”.

Nightmares and Paranoia:

Strong Psychic Attacks can be very unnerving. Your skin starts itching because you feel you’re being watched all the time. It can even make you feel dirty because your personal space is being violated.

When a strong Psychic Attack takes place it can even affect your dreams which turn into nightmares or night terrors. You’ll have the same nightmare over and over again. This often comes in the form of being chased or attacked by someone else. In your nightmare try to look at your attackers face as it could hint at who’s sending you the Psychic Attack.

Dion Fortune in Psychic Self Defence says “One of the most distressing features of a psychic attack is that the victim fears to sleep because he feels that in sleep he is defenceless.”

You may even experience the feeling that you’re being watched whilst you’re going about your daily life. If this has happened to you then you know how unsettling this experience can be as it can leave you feeling paranoid. It’ll have you questioning your own sanity (Which is the whole point. Someone wants you to feel this way so they’re sending out these vibes that will make you unsettled, jumpy and on edge.)

You might also feel a general uneasiness in your surroundings like sudden chills. This is know to happen just as you’re walking into or out of a room near doorways, like you’ve walked through a “Cold Spot”. You may feel goosebumps and the hairs on your arms an neck going up for no reason whilst you’re set chilling and netflixing. There all signs someone is sending negative vibes your way.

Some Psychic Attacks can be so strong that people have even felt themselves being poked, touched and even like they were being pushed by someone who’s not physically there. Very freaky and very scary as now you’re getting into discarnate spirit territory. This is a very strong paranormal event and if you’re experiencing this then somebody is seriously pissed off with you and sending heavy shade your way and you need to protect yourself pronto.

How to Protect Yourself From Psychic Attacks

Now that we’ve clarified you are under Psychic Attack and that you’re not being paranoid it’s time to put protection in place.

You can either attempt to protect yourself from a Psychic Attack by adopting certain practices, rituals and ceremonies at home or you can seek professional help from a Psychic like myself.

Here are some spiritual protection techniques you can try for yourself at home. These practices will help strengthen your own psychic defence’s and surround you with a more positive, high vibe energy.

Cord Cutting and Earth Cording:

I find Gaia’s Cord Cutting & Earth Cording Ritual to be very powerful.

Try the powerful practice of cord-cutting at night and Earth cording during the day. Before you go to bed, imagine a cord between yourself and any person or thing that comes to mind, the cord originating from your belly. Using a pair of imaginary scissors, cut the cord between yourself and any external energy that you envision.

You can envision this as a series of cords or perform the exercise cord-by-cord. In the morning, just after you awake, envision a cord connecting you, from your belly to the center of the Earth. The cord is strong, flexible, omnipresent, and nurturing. Prior to bed, as you cut cords, say this intention aloud:

I release energetic attachments so that I may serve my higher purpose.

Saltwater can also be used for a more powerful ceremony. Begin by gathering all the energetic chords from your chakras into one handful. Using the other hand, slice the air between your body and the handful, and dump the chords into the saltwater. Repeat again with the chords coming out of your back chakras.

Close Your Vulnerabilities: Mental and Psychic Shielding

A little bit like the cord cutting exercise above Rei advises to close your vunerabilities.

Theory: The mind is the key aspect of defense. A strong, active mind is much harder to attack. Some imagery also helps repel attack, like armor; other imagery helps in other ways.

Light Imagery Technique

Imagine a distant source of white light, the Source, far above your head, and imagine a connection of caring and love extending from that light to you. Do not confuse this with any other "source of light" that others have encouraged you to imagine in their books, which usually float just above your head. There is one true source of light; it is the highest, and brightest, and most benevolent of spiritual lights. If you cannot do this technique, or if you find that any thoughts you try to send toward the Light are either turned aside or slam into a hard ceiling, pray for caring to be extended to you from the Light, and pray for removal of the block or the interference that is keeping you from connecting to the Light.

Crystal Grid For Self Protection

Crystals have been used in sacred energy cleansing ceremonies for thousands of years by many ancient cultures and civilisations so having your own crystal grid of self protection is highly recommended and is a powerful way of stopping Psychic Attacks from taking place.

Crystal grids are a really powerful way of cleansing and protecting your energy and they can be used in a variety of different ways. For example you can have crystal grids for self protection and love or self protection and abundance.

I’d recommend a book like Crystal Grids Power by Ethan Lazzerini

Gemstones For Self Protection

Wearing semi precious and precious gem stones is a very effect and powerful way of removing and deflecting negative energy and for strengthening your personal energy field or aura.

Stones such as Tigers Eye, Hematite, Selenite, Black Onxy and Black Obsidian all have healing protection qualities to them.

Cleansing / Clearing Ceremony

Just like crystals plants like sage and palo santo have been used as energy cleansing tools for thousands of years. Native American Indians have used herbs like osho root, sage, sweetgrass and cedar in their sweat lodges to help remove negative energy for centuries.

There are many various ceremonies that can be used when cleansing the negative energy in your aura and in your home and even work environment. It’s just a case of picking a herb or plant that you personally like.

For Palo Santo / White Sage / Sage / Sweetgrass:

Burn your herb and smudge the smoke around your body. Pass the smoke from head to toe imagining all negative energy leaving your personal space. Doe this as many times as is necessary until you feel cleansed and clear of any negativity. Then continue to fan the smoke around the room your in and even around the rest of your home. Remember when cleansing rooms to get right into the corners. I like to walk around a room in a clockwise direction moving through all the corners before making my way into the middle of the room where I’ll continue to fan smoke back out from the centre back towards each corner again in a clockwise order.

While you sage / smudge / palo santo yourself and your environment, concentrate on the banishing or removal of negative or dark energy by holding light and love in your mind’s eye.

This is a powerful cleansing ceremony for removing nightmares and night terrors.

Spiritual Protection From Psychic Attack MP3

If you’ve an Amazon Prime Account or Amazon Audible you can get a 30 day free trial on the Spiritual Protection From Psychic Attack MP3 by Dick Stephen.

Finally

Whilst it may be nearly impossible to eliminate a Psychic Attack from happening by being conscious of the signs and symptoms listed above then being forewarned means you’re forearmed, ready and prepared to protect yourself for the unwanted negative energy being sent your way.

If you’re overwhelmed or not confident in fighting off a Psychic Attack or even want to clarify you’re Psychic defences are in place correctly then you may want to seek professional help from a Psychic Medium like myself.

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