and it's killing me to love you

A/N: see end for notes.

ep 1x8 coda

You'll think about it later, knees pressed to the hard floor, hands clasped loosely as you rest them on the velvet in front of you . You’ll think about the press of Tatiana’s mouth to yours, her long nails clawing at your cheek; how you're still not sure if it was pleasure or poison. Forgiveness or punishment. Either way, it makes you feel sick.

You’ll know you should be focusing on holy things. Tatiana is not holy, you don't believe - but far be it from you to determine what the Elements bless and what they do not.

With your knees still pressed to the hard floor, thighs wedged against the wooden bottom of the prie-dieu, you'll try to drag your thoughts back to the saints, to the gods, but then her face will appear behind the press of your eyelids. Rose. Roza. You'll feel nauseated all over again. For that wanton kiss with Tatiana. For what came before. You don’t even know - yet - that Tatiana was the one who called for ‘live fire', or about Sonya Karp, or all the other terrible things Tatiana Vogul has done in her pursuit of the throne. She was just a woman who knew you could never love her, who perhaps shared and understood some of your pain. And maybe, for just a heartbeat, she could have helped you forget about her. 

But it’s never that easy. 

When Tatiana approached you in the church, speaking of kindred spirits, of faith, of Alexi, you’d felt vulnerable. Here was one of the most powerful Moroi in the dominion telling you she admired your faith. You didn’t have the heart to tell her that it wasn’t faith that left you anchored at the alter for three days after Alexi’s death; it was fear and loss. They were paralyzing. It felt like a moment of weakness - not strength. The saints had not helped you this time.

But bringing up Alexi reminded you of duty, of they come first, so when she asked, you’d agreed to be her proxy. This wasn’t personal, or about politics - it was an obligation.

Then she happened. Rose. Like she always does, bending the world around her to do her bidding. Rose is always a problem without an answer. When she steps into a room she sucks all the space out of it; when she’s near you she pulls all the air from your lungs. It’s just how she is, a vortex of passion and power. She’d fought in the ring like she always does - a dancer flirting with danger. Weightless and elegant and deadly. So beautiful, it hurts you. And oh, how she hurt you.

You’re not a self-hating man - you made peace with your demons long ago. But tonight, as you watched Rose fly across the ring, you felt them clawing at your chest, the taste of your blood thick and cloying in your mouth. In that moment, you felt the terrible, paralyzing fear you’d felt after you'd beaten your father. In the church after Alexi’s death. In the moments after you hesitated to help Princess Vasilisa. That crack in your chassis, in your perfectly calibrated control. Rose had penetrated that, because of course she did - she threatens it every time she’s with you - and you’d snapped.

At that moment, you hated yourself. 

Her kick to your face felt like some kind of penance. You thought you deserved everything that came to you after that - like some kind of martyr. In retrospect, you could include the kiss in that. Even if you don't know everything yet, you still knew Rose was right when she said that Tatiana Vogul stands for everything that’s terrible in your world. She is the poison chalice you chose to drink from anyway. Alexi would turn in his grave if he knew. Yet here you still are, resigned to your duty, to your faith, to the crumbs that you’re offered from the tables of people like Tatiana Vogul.

But, you'll wonder as you press your thumbs against the bridge of your nose, do you still even have those? The moment Rose Hathaway ran through the Academy’s gardens and into your life, as you wrestled her to the ground next to Princess Vasilisa’s car, you were lost. Or perhaps it was before then - perhaps it started with Alexi’s death. From that small amount of kindling, Rose became the fuel, and Caroni was the spark. 

Or maybe it’s just been you all along. You're your own undoing. You untied the knot tethering yourself to the dock that is your faith, and now you’re unmoored, floating in an endless nothing. If you can’t be loyal to your duty as a Dhampir, to the saints and their gods, what do you have left? Who are you anymore? 

All you know is that Rose terrifies you as much as the thought of freedom does, but despite that, you love her. Oh, how you love her.

You know you’ll probably go back to Tatiana anyway, even if it makes you feel sick, seeking some kind of repententence in regret and the kiss of a woman who you’ll never have and who’ll never have you. Because being with her makes you feel like you can still somehow anchor yourself to your duty. Because going back to her is probably what you deserve. Because going back to her will be easy, even if it isn’t right.

You'll shift your weight and feel the metal of your stake dig into your hip. They come first. Yet here you'll be, wallowing in self pity.

Knees pressed to the hard floor, hands clasped loosely as you rest them on the velvet in front of you, thighs wedged against the wooden bottom of the prie-dieu and your stake digging into your hip, you'll think of holy things. You'll think of holy things, and try not to think about how, if you were true to your convictions - true to staying away from her - you would’ve asked for a transfer to a different provice a long time ago.  

You'll think of holy things as you say prayer in Russian and try desperately not to contemplate how you know you find more peace with Rose Hathaway than you’ll ever find in a church. 

She is inevitable. 

You'll think of holy things.

---

A/N: title taken from the Vancouver Sleep Clinic song of the same name. this was basically me trying to stitch together my understandings of show!dimitri and book!dimitri and explain to myself (justify? i guess?) what happened in ep 8. i agree with Sisi and Kieron that Rose shouldn't have kept hitting Dimitri when he was down, and that Dimitri should've ended everything on his feet, and the whole Tatiana thing ................... yeah anyway idk. i haven't written for VA before and i'm rusty at best so sorry if it's awful. thanks for reading.

It irks me how some hard-core buddie fans are treating Buck and Tommy's relationship. And not just that, all of Buck's exes. And some of Eddie's too.

I mean, I get it to a certain degree, like they weren't perfect. There were issues, but none of them were the devil incarnate some fans portray them as.

Like Ali always gets shit for breaking up when she did, but they weren't together that long. And Tatiana did basically the same thing with Chim and no one cares about that in comparison.

Or if we take a look at Eddie's exes, Ana gets so much hate. The "Ana Flores Bashing" tag is one of the first things you get when looking for 911 fanfic. Seriously, how is it her fault that Eddie was having panic attacks. I don't know, in fanfic she's so often portrayed as this emotionally abusive, religious zealot obsessed with being Chris's mom? I don't remember her ever being that pushy in canon. Or pushy in general. She and eddie just weren't the best at communicating their issues.

Most of the relationships buck and eddie have had in the past didn't pan out because didn't communicate properly and I mean nit every relationship is gonna be this big perfect romance realistically speaking.

Another thing not necessarily about exes is the way the same people treat the sperm donor thing. It rubs me the wrong way. The way it's treated like this huge betrayal on Buck's end. It was his decision and his decision only. It's his body/bodily fluids.

Just the way they hate everyone "who comes between" Buddie. You don't have to demonise every other love interest they ever had, just because you ship two characters.

I think your takes about 9-1–1 have been very nuanced and speak to your love for the show so I while I might have some differences in opinion, I really look forward to your thoughts and thank you for sharing with us your joy and passion.

I have really grown to love all the characters and their stories throughout the years. I have no idea where the plot is going but I have thoroughly enjoyed seeing how much love people have for this show, the characters and the cast.

I know it can be really messy at times but I’m excited for where the show is going.

I was curious about your thoughts on how the show handles growth and flaws because I really like how complex each of the characters are and that’s one of the main selling points for me to continue watching so I would love to hear what you think :)

also if you have any recommendations for other shows to watch I would love to hear those as well :)

okay, first of all you are so so kind, it made my chin wobble a little bit 🥹

and I love your attitude, because yeah, we don't have to have the same opinions on anything, especially not in fandom, but you know, having fun and throwing stuff at the wall without trying to spit into each other's soup? that's what it's all about.

I'm gonna cut this in half because I went into ramble mode oops

when it comes to growth and being flawed. GOD YES. this is the reason I love this show, possibly more than I have ever loved any other.

for one, it doesn't tone it down, it doesn't leave a grey area of "was that really abuse?" "was that really neglect?" "was that invasive?" "was that really cheating?" because it was. the mistake and the flaw is always clear from the get go.

Hen cheating on Karen, Chimney lying to Tatiana, Maddie stalking that woman, Buck cheating on Taylor, Bobby being an addict, Athena killing people, Eddie enlisting, Shannon leaving to care for her mother, the Buckley parents lying to Buck and neglecting their children. all of that and more.

I was kind of surprised when I first started watching it that we had people cheating and leaving their children and killing people. that was just not the general vibe I was expecting after coming into it, thinking it'd be just some dramedy type firefighter procedural lmao

instead, I was hit with all the main characters lying, cheating, abusing their positions, being addicts and so on and then we got to see them for who they all were beyond that; heroes, people who risk their lives every day to help others.

the way the show portrays characters in such a human way, instead of saying "this character is bad" or "this character is good"; they are all just people trying their best and often times failing miserably.

I don't wanna make this too long, but the theme of cheating and parents abandoning their children (either physically or emotionally) is very rampant on the show — and so is forgivness. so far no character has cheated without being caught out for it and also being forgiven, and no parent has lost the right for redemption.

sure, I am less than pleased about Chim's dad and the Buckley parents... but if their kids are willing to let them be part of their lives and allow them room to grow and repent? then that's actually part of their growth as well.

Eddie and Shannon and Maddie, they have all left their kids out of fear of doing wrong by them or out of duty for another family member in Shannon's case; they all came back and worked hard every day to be the parents their kids deserved.

this is not something you see on other TV shows. if a parent leaves and comes back, there is a flare up of emotions and then a reconciliation in the same episode and then we move on, not to mention these are usually all adult children of the parents and there is no significant other in the picture complicating things further.

my point is; they are all so, so messy and flawed and they are all trying to do better (most of them anyway) and this is the human condition and it gets rough and ugly sometimes, but I think this show captures that better than any other, while also giving us the whole spectrum of emotions.

and while they all get a chance (or more) to better themselves and earn forgivness from the people they hurt; we see the hurt live on. Karen is still insecure about Hen cheating years ago, Bobby still struggles not to have a drink to this day, Eddie forgave Shannon the best he could but he never got closure and he never learned to trust that he's enough and Amir doesn't want revenge, but can't quite forgive Bobby either. the hurt never goes away no matter what and the work on themselves continues.

I could really go on forever, so I'm just gonna stop here lmao

on recommendations though; I don't watch too many new things cuz I either get sucked in or totally bored BUT following the theme of being flawed and growing, my absolute main recommendations would be Scrubs and Daredevil the netflix series (though mind you, neither of these have an active fandom atm)

and then if you like that sort of thing It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia; but that one is about flawed people who will never get better and are doomed to be trash and toxic and codependent for the rest of their lives — and it covers some real problematic topics, not always in the best way though (that being said, the actors/writers are pretty socially sensitive and everything problematic is in there because it is problematic)

thank you for this ask, it made my day, truly 💛✨

I really don't understand this fandom. You want grace to go through more pain? We know from chain of iron that Tatiana beat her repeatedly, that she was pimped out to young and old men, and she was used as a mere doll by Belial, besides all the grooming and psychological abuse she suffered from Tatiana. She goes through a horrible interrogation, gets her power taken out in the most painful and horrific way, her brother completely forgets about her and her only friend dies. And you people want her to get her marks stripped? She explicitly says she didn't want to do what she did to James, that it was wrong, that she didn't enjoyed any of it. And as soon as she's free from Tatiana's grasp she takes the bracelet off him, bc Tatiana wouldn't be able to hurt her anymore (are we forgetting Tatiana hit her when her power didn't work on James?).

What she did was wrong, period. But it seems to me all the pain and abuse she's a suffered, plus all the things she did to help should free her from any extra punishment. Like, people act as if her life with Tatiana was fun when she actually says: the only thing that gave my life some meaning was Jesse.

People are so quick to forgive male characters, who do some shitty horrible things (obviously different from this particular situation) but then you have a girl, with one of the saddest back stories from tsc, who was used and actually regrets her actions and is changing for the better, and you treat her like a monster? Why is it so difficult to offer her the same sympathy you do to the white men from these books?

She's all alone, her mind is completely fucked up, and it's gonna take years for her to be in a good place mentally. Isn't that enough? After all of this, shouldn't they offer her some kindness? The books make it very clear that if she wouldn't have been under Tatiana's roof she would have never done something like this, she would have lived a normal life, been a normal person.

This fandom always complains about the Clave's treatment towards children and their lack of accountability and understanding, but then go and act the same way towards Grace. Why can't you understand that this is a complex situation? Not something you can reduce to black and white (like the book does). I've seen people have more sympathy towards Sebastian (you know the biggest villain of these books) than to Grace.

If you hate her so much just stop talking about her. Please.

Oh, the callout about the white men 🤭

It is truly heinous how people act towards Grace, isn't it? I don't have much to add to this because you have summed it up really nicely and I agree with everything you have pointed out here.

Frankly? Half of the people I saw hating on her pre-COT did so because of her "interfering with Jordelia" which was very ridiculous already, because if you're gonna dislike her, better be it for something that actually makes sense instead of shippy reasons, but oh, well. Fandoms are like that sometimes.

Would love if they didn't talk about her in worse ways than how actual evil characters are talked about, but it is what it is.

There are people with some sense at least, like you, dear anon 🙏

Top 5 wrongs, misdeeds, and depravity done by fictional women

God forbid women do anything, but also: how dare you make me choose only 5? ❤️

I will not overthink it; I'll just hit you with my current ones.

Without further ado:

Alexia in Julia Ducournau's "Titane." Her brutal serial killing (3 people and her parents) during the first half of the film gives season 1 Villanelle a run for her money.

Celeste Price in Alissa Nutting's (the writer of "Made For Love") "Tampa." Nutting has called her a modern take on Nabokov's Humbert Humbert.

Katherine in William Oldroyd’s "Lady Macbeth." (The script was written by Alice Birch, who created the delicious genderbent version of "Dead Ringers.") What makes her refreshingly different is her unwillingness to repent. Unlike Shakespeare's Lady Macbeth, she actually commits the murders herself and does not lose her mind. She abuses her maid and manipulates people, using her innocent appearance to her advantage. Unlike her novella counterpart (Nikolai Leskov), she survives in the end. She's the cruelest of the three, yet she wins.

You say Patrick Bateman/Hannibal/Lestat, I say Dorothy Daniels ("A Certain Hunger" by Chelsea G. Summers). She's a food critic, she's a man eater, she commits murder as a tribute to gourmet cuisine and beauty.

Tatiana Moskalev in Naomi Alderman's "The Power." So we're talking about a world where teen girls gain the ability to electrute people with their hands and can transfer said ability to adult women (and intersex people). In Moldova, Tatiana murders her husband, who's the president. On the show, she seduces an innocent woman "Fingersmith"-style, gets the power, murders and frames her. Later, she declares a new matriarchal state that imposes several limitations on men, e.g., they are not allowed to work or drive without a woman's guidance. Men are humiliated, raped and mass murdered. (Sounds familiar?)

What do all these have in common? Oh, yes, they were written by women.

Don't get me wrong, I love the various interpretations of Medea, Steinbeck's Cathy, Ken Kesey's Nurse Ratched and even characters like Zola's Thérèse as much as the next Tumblrlina, but there's something about Gillian Flynn's Amma ("Sharp Objects"), Shirley Jackson's Merricat, Angela Carter's take on Lizzie Borden ("The Fall River Axe Murders") and Atwood's spin on evil (or "evil") ladies that just hits different.

Tatiana is absolutely evil, but I don't think she's fully in her rights mind. Like, I think Tatiana is also a victim in many ways, and she was driven to madness and evil despite having once had the potential to be a fine person. Mortmain is WAY scarier than her because he isn't just in his right mind - he's incredibly methodical, meticulous, and scientific as he goes about his plots. He caused a girl to be born while fully intending even before she existed to rape her and use her to breed his children. He linked her to an angel to make sure she survived. He worked for decades to perfect his automatons. He is batshit crazy and is basically an evil capitalist overlord.

I find Mortmain to be a genuinely unsettling villain.

Tatiana is very much not in her right mind, and falls into the category of “shadowhunter women who didn’t get what they want and absolutely can’t deal with it”. She sort of does that thing that a lot of fictional charcaters, and a lot of real people, do where when someone is absent from their lives they make them up in their heads to fix everything. Like “if only my dad were alive everything would be perfect!” Or “my grandma was exactly like me if I’d known her I wouldn’t be lonely!”, when they barely knew that person, and that person defiantly wouldn’t fix everything.

In TLH she operates with idea that if Rupert were still alive everything would be better, and if her Benedict was alive everything would be perfect, when logically, she’s totally wrong. 

Mortmain on the other hand has no delusions about anything.

He’s the opposite of a lot of characters in that he doesn’t seem mean and have a nice, sympathetic side, he almost seems nice while very much not caring. 

He’s not at all concerned with human life or even recruiting people. He’ll straight up say “so and so shouldn’t die” and kill them without being at all smug, sad, or angry. 

It’s not even like there’s anything you can do to make him angry. He’s going to destroy the shadowhunter end of story. You can bring up his parents if you want but it’s not gonna upset him. 

He basically views everyone around him as very little more than ants. 

Also he fought like ten shadowhunter children. No one in the institute is over the age of like 23 and he still lost.

He is so creepy. He’s planning to breed a teenager??? He’s planning to keep her, mostly teenaged, friends hostage so she doesn’t defy him??? So creepy. So gross. Loved his death<3

Part of me wishes we could have seen what would happen if the TID gang did stay in the mountain for few days, solely to see some interactions. There are a few interesting parallels in the books involving Mortmain that I’ve never seen anyone point out. Whenever I reread TID I’ll point them out. He’s easily my favorite TSC villain, since he’s so successful in being a major threat while still being at his core just a dude. 

Gonna say it. I prefer NSR to HFR.

HFR has a lot of replayability, and some great characters (especially design wise) but it's also really frustrating at times and just to get to the cool bosses you have to go through so much. Also like, it's hard to like some of the characters because of how they act (my main problem being Chai, it took until literally the end fight for me to even start liking him as a character).

Like NSR was able to make an asshole character like DJSS a lot more likable, and he's still a villain in their game! Also the fact that NSR just feels better with how they present their fight (for me it's easier to see NSR attacks coming at me than it is HFR attacks coming at me).

I do really like having full access to the camera though with HFR, that was a problem in NSR that I hated (looking at Tatiana's fight mainly in this regard). Also the parry system in NSR fucking sucks so bad, I feel like half the time the beat and the attacks don't sync up. However you can muscle memory NSR attacks while HFR I feel like you NEED the beat to counter/dodge attacks.

I get that the stages of HFR are a lot more numerous, and it's a lot more about the journey compared to NSR, but I do wish the level select was a bit better. Like at least let me skip to a boss instead of making me go through a whole phase just to have my heart skip a beat as Rekka slams her gloves together :3

Speaking of bosses, this is deviating from the point, but I wish we got more Roquefort. We got to see the other bosses a few times it felt like, or had a mini boss battle with them either directly or looking over the fight. However, and I might be remembering wrong, we only really get to hear Roquefort a few times and see like one cutscene. The rest is just his boss battle. Which I feel like is a shame. NSR gave kinda equal spotlight to all the bosses (Tatiana being a real exception for obvious reasons, though Eve did also get more limelight compared to the others). While HFR gives different bosses different amounts of the spotlight.

Like you'd think Mimosa would have a LOT more time considering she is supposed to be narcissistic/full of her self. But no, I' pretty sure Zanzo had more time than her, or at least it felt like it.

I think I have more to say but can't really think of anything right now. Overall, I like NSR more because my only complaints really are the approach stages and the parry, while with HFR I have a lot more problems to complain about. I do understand that HFR also has a LOT more to offer compared to NSR, which is probably why I have more negative things to say. I also might just be biased to NSR, but I have almost a day in HFR and almost a day and a half in NSR, so I think I am fair to compare them and say I prefer NSR more.

HFR is still really good. I LOVE the designs and the environment a lot! I just wish some things were done differently. Same with how I wish some things in NSR was done differently (please I want to move the camera around a little bit, or at least let me zoom out! I am sick of Tatiana hitting me from off screen!). But yeah, both games are good, but NSR is the one I prefer of the two.

Hello! How are you ? I wanted to ask you what is your interpretation of Tommy and Lizzie's relationship, in S5 and S6? I never saw love, from Tommy, but Lizzie's fans did, so what are your thoughts?

Thank you!

Hello, anon!

Firstly, I apologize for my late response. I'd hoped to reply sooner, but my phone almost died last week and I had to reset it to factory settings. I'm glad I had had the forethought to create my own cloud storage for photos, but unfortunately I hadn't done it for my text notes, so I lost them all. I found it out the next day and coped with it very badly tbh (crying was included). I have to re-write my latest notes now.

Back to your question. I'm surprised this is still relevant. 'Tommy and Lizzie' isn't my favourite paring of the show, as far as you know if you read my blog. So analysing them is my own sort of torture. S3 itself and Tommy's interactions with Lizzie are my pet peeve. I don't even know where I should begin. For a start, let me tell you about my favourite description of Lizzie which I read a long time ago but I still find it very accurate "the old girlfriend Tommy drunk dials when he's feeling lonely late at night" (x).

Tommy bends her over a desk sleeps with Lizzie because sex is his coping mechanism. This guy cries through his dick into Tatiana or Lizzie. He even declares she was saving his heart from breaking. Honestly, these words are like nails on a chalkboard. It's so disrespectful on so many levels. Firstly, to Grace. Oi, you moron, the love of your life died (because of you btw) few months ago, it usually causes heartbreak! Secondly, to Lizzie. You say you still pay her for sex and make it known in front of the entire family and therefore humiliate her.

There were no reasons for them to reunite in s4. It's been said, I see no logic in the narrative. Especially in Lizzie's actions.

They get married for two reasons: 1) Lizzie is pregnant, 2) it can be useful and very handy for Tommy's political career. He uses her, again. As benefit, he can shift the responsibility for raising Charlie to Lizzie, because he's fully aware of what a terrible father he really is. She's a useful decoration as a mother and wife. Lizzie knows his condition and wants to help him, but he doesn't let her in. There's a huge gap between them. In 5th season I didn't see any hints of love. It was mostly about his possessiveness ('he lays a fucking hand on you, he will be meat for Johnny Dogs') or his ego ('he spoke badly to my wife').

In s6 we see that they've become a more ordinary family. He works, she is being a mother. He keeps cheating on her. She accepts it. But here's more understanding between them and Ruby's disease brings them closer for a short time, but when she dies, Tommy has sex with Diana, Lizzie is humiliated in front of people (again), they become even more distant and Lizzie hits the bottom and leaves him.

Lizzie is in love with Tommy since s2. Tommy uses Lizzie since s1. I don't think he will ever be in love with her. But he grew to love her as a person, as a friend and this is a VERY big part of his development as a character. Because he never cared about any woman anyone who isn't related to him or who isn't Grace. He loves Lizzie, but not in a romantic way. Tommy always only used her for his own purposes and he never was kind or compassionate towards her, but in s6 he cares about her so that's why he says she doesn't deserve him and doesn't deserve to share his fate. That's why he tells Diana he isn't upset that Lizzie left him. Because he loves her and she is dear to him. He is deeply grateful for everything she's done for him and he defends her from Mosley's offensive comments even when Lizzie can't hear it. Don't get me wrong, anon, I don't justify his actions and his speech doesn't make him a saint. What he's done is beyond to be fixed and he should've thought of the consequences earlier.

I know this is a very sketchy analysis because I simply didn't want to go into depth. But I hope I managed to answer your questions.

thanks!

🤍

Episodes 3 and 4 of VA reaction

These parts will be divided into Show only non-spoiler as much as I can and the latter part discussing with memories from the book that won't be a spoiler or in spoiler territory:

First for the show only people: - Definitely better than the first two (and I hope this means the end for the friends with benefits with Mason relationship but I highly doubt it knowing Julie Plec and her love triangles from Vampire Diaries).

- Episode 4 was definitely my favorite one. I hope this means the episodes will get better as we go along but I will be skeptically optimistic.

-Okay so my inner thoughts were correct in that they definitely moved up the events of Frostbite and Shadow kiss. Some parts I will admit were done nicely, but it would have been better if there was an indication of how much time would have passed. The only reason I know a lot of time has passed was because of my memories of the book which happened much more naturally compared to what we see in the show. And for that I am scared that for show only fans the gradual Romitri scenes that are now emerging may also feel rushed because we have no indication of how long the time skip is between each episode or sometimes among the events that take place. To any show only fans currently reading this, please know that several months have passed and that in the books the events that you see have a longer period of time, so the progression was much more natural.

-Okay so from what I'm sensing, Tatiana Vogel seems to be a new character because from what I remember the religion practiced was Russian Orthodox or Eastern Orthodox Christianity and last time I checked there were no priestesses. Why do I suspect that she's going to be the Tasha Ozera stand in for a potential love triangle with one of our ships (I won't mention which).

-Viktor Dashkov being gay now finally explains why he has adopted daughters but I still wish that J and M didn't force Mia and Sonya to be siblings. Not because I don't like family dynamics but a world is supposed to be that - A WORLD. You're not related to everyone, nor do you know everyone, it's almost as if it might become another Once Upon a Time convoluted family tree because if you find the connections somebody at the very least dated or is related to someone else in Story Brook (one of my least favorite things but to keep it within topic).

-Possibly controversial take: Mikhail and Sonya definitely earned that sex scene in episode 4. Out of all the romances so far, theirs is the one that earned on - screen intimacy. How will Mikhail react to Sonya's darkness and will she or won't she do the same thing she did in the books - I don't know but now I'm much more invested ngl.

-YES Dragozera not being forced to do kissing scenes because they definitely have not earned it yet. Don't get me wrong I'm also still rooting for them but before this point, any make out scenes they've had didn't feel earned.

-YES Christian and Rose scenes, and Christian and Dimitri scenes. I APPROVE OF DEVELOPING FRIENDSHIPS! And I'll be honest I like how they made both the characters and the audience question if Strigoi really were the unfeeling monsters they are. The Christian and Dimitri scene was my favorite non-Rose or non-Lissa scene so far.

-And it seems that my theory of the forced sexual relationship between Rose and Mason to show how shallow it is seems to be proving right. AND YES I KNOW THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE NEAR EQUIVALENT OF HIGHSCHOOL TEENAGERS WHO ARE ABOVE LEGAL AGE SO OF COURSE THEY ARE GOING TO BE STUPID IN RELATIONSHIPS! But here we see exactly why in the long term, they wouldn't have worked out. For all the flirting, competitiveness and hooking up they've been doing (which I think is more of a blow off some steam casual thing rather than the meaningful love making kind) while there is still care and affection for each other it's not really a healthy kind of relationship. Mason was right in saying that Rose puts in little to no effort to actually get to know Mason beyond what she needs to the point wherein she sometimes forgets that he has a life beyond her. But Rose was also right in telling Dimitri and the other Guardians what happened because she was so concerned for Mason only for him out of jealousy to misinterpret that as only being for selfish reasons. Mason also neglects to see the genuine growth Rose has made ever since Dimitri came into Rose's life and that she really isn't the same reckless person who just throws away the rules which was made to protect Lissa.

-AND OMG ROMITRI YES I LOVE IT! Okay credit where credit is due, they did improve on how the Mentor - Mentee relationship started, but I really wish we also got to see them go through it. In the books there is a deliberate structure to Rose's routine that shows how long it was and what she and Dimitri actually do (which I wish they explained it more because for show only fans they wouldn't pick up why running is so important). BUT OMG THE DANCE IN THE CLUB, THE BENCHMARK TRAP FIGHT FROM SHADOW KISSED, THEIR LAST CONVERSATION DISCUSSING HOW WHAT ROZA DID WAS BRAVE OMG!

(Don't rush it please I'm just expressing my excitement and titilation)

-Speaking of OMG moments, JANINE HATHAWAY DID NOT GET ENOUGH TIME! This is going to sound redundant but in the books she had much more impact with how Rose thought about her life choices to the point wherein she even encouraged Dimitri to take a certain offer (not spoiling it for show peeps). But in the show it seems like it was more of a soundboard just for Rose to rebel. Don't get me wrong she still talks back in the books but there was a genuine mutual exchange (albeit with very estranged and hurtful words) whereas with the show it seems like she is just rebelling (I'm not sure if I'm even making enough sense so far);

-Viktor becoming spirit bound is a twist that I like and it would actually prove useful for him to gaining insight on what Rose and Lissa's bond could be like and why he knows that it exists and they have it.

-Minor pet peeve - why did they change Dimitri's friend from Ivan to Alexei? Is there another Ivan character that we will eventually meet?

Okay and now for fellow book readers: A discussion/ramble

-The Jesse Zeklos in the show seems to be the most likely candidate to turn strigoi based on what his reactions to them and to even the idea of it is. In his last sex scene with silver it's almost as if he was contemplating what would happen if he did turn strigoi and how it would actually feel like. On one hand if they are going this route then I don't mind he's a dick, but I'm also not sure because the big strigoi twist is for Dimitri. Like that is the whole point of the last 3 books, especially Blood Promise. I hope they don't replace this Dimitri twist with something else because my gosh was it well done in the books.

-On the one hand I do understand why they want to keep Mason around longer because a love triangle is almost always more entertaining (in the perspectives of the writers because how the fuck else are they going to think). But him not dying when they have moved up the events from Frostbite makes it feel wierdly missing because although book Rose did not intend to use him, he still followed her exactly because of his crush on her and that is the guilt that shapes and follows her for the rest of the series. TV Rose and Mason however have had a sexual relationship and if my theory proves to be true, he is needed longer to act as a foil to the Romitri relationship. And I can't believe I'm saying this but we already have Adrian Ivashkov for that. And I would argue that Adrian is an almost better foil for the Romitri relationship because on paper Adrian could give everything Rose may want except for being Dimitri or Lissa. He could give her money, life's comforts and if she wanted, he could even give her a baby dhampir and he would be cool with it (at the time of the main series, by the end we know that Dimitri is capable of making Roza his baby mommy). He however has his own set of issues. What I'm saying is if they really wanted the love triangle aspect and if this show gets a season 2 then I can't wait for Adrian to show up (and end up eventually with Sydney).

That's all I have in mind folks btw @rinadragomir what's your rating for Kieran's "Roza"?

Tbh I know you love luciejesse I did too, but after the scene early on the book where Jesse treats Grace like shit after she told him about the abuse and tells her she should have done something (like dude she was 12 she couldn’t do much) angered me so much I hated him for the rest of the book :(.

Not speaking of the end, as I don’t know if you reached that part yet, but for sure you reached the part Im talking about

Hi anon, don't worry. Even if I like Jesse, I like to talk about him critically as a character. You have every right to be mad at him, and I understand your point. I was curious to see how his confrontation with Grace would go myself, because I knew that it would be unpredictable.

I thought that he would be shocked to learn his mother had used Grace just like she used his body for Belial's plans. He wasn't oblivious to the treatment Tatiana reserved for them. I believe Tatiana tried to keep the treatment she reserved only for Grace a secret from Jesse, because she sensed (and she knew, as she openly tells Grace) that Jesse protected Grace and tried to make her stronger. Thus, Jesse tried to infuse confidence in Grace. Therefore, Jesse himself was an obstacle to Tatiana's plan to make Grace use her power over James. If Jesse knew, he would have talked Grace out of it before anything even started. Jesse was Grace's emotional support and she didn't want to lose him so she kept it a secret. I think, if he'd been alive and not dead, that she might have told him and listened to him because she knew he would have protected her against Tatiana's rage.

If you want, I can write a fix-it fic with Jesse and Grace talking about this and Jesse telling her how he felt about it all?

Now, I don't think Jesse's reaction was too much. I believe that he also blamed himself for not having been there to stop this, and was also angry at himself for not being able to protect his sister. He had a very older brother reaction, imo. He had every right to react as he did. If you recall, he also has a similar reaction when Lucie commands him, and Lucie thinks he's mad at her after and won't see her anymore. What drove him angry is that Grace used her power to make men do things without consent. They both lived secluded from everyone and had their consent taken away from them (because they couldn't do what they wanted to do), so I believe that Jesse is even more upset because Grace resorted to manipulation, just like her mother. The victim turned into a perpetrator to survive. I think that this is when he realizes that Tatiana's power and abuse over Grace was massive compared to how she treated Jesse, and he needed to process that. And it also reflects on how Grace behaves with others - she doesn't know how to behave. She has social anxiety. Even though she's a trauma victim, she doesn't need to be treated with gloves, because in my opinion, some people don't actively want to be helped recover from their trauma if they find others pitying them etc. She needs help, yes. But she also needs to touch the reality of what she did, and not be pitied or justified for what happened to her. It's not good for their journey to recover and to be forgiven by the ones they've wronged.

I hope I don't sound harsh myself, but I'm talking from experience. My younger sis had a similar experience to Grace's. When her trauma happened, and I learned about it, I tried to be there for her and give her what she needed, thinking it was the best in order for her to get better. But it didn't work. On the other hand, coddling her made her worse. So my father and I started being blunt in telling her things, and I'm not saying she's better, but we've noticed that being "harsh", trying to make her see the reality of things, improved her mental state more. All of this to say that imo, Jesse reaction was completely normal, and he knew he couldn't have answered otherwise or Grace wouldn't have had the will to react and try to change for the better. Grace needed to hear that, even though she already knew and willed to change to have a better life for herself, now that she is free. Everyone but Kit had the same reaction, but Kit is built differently from others, and we knew that. :( It didn't mean Jesse or the others wouldn't forgive her, even though Grace acts like she's already resigned to being cast aside. When Grace runs to the Institute, in fact, not only Jesse goes to her and tries to protect her, Lucie and Cordelia also do that.

no bingo this time!! there were lots of good character moments but nothing i felt qualified for the classic tag.

"it's a flesh wound, Obamacare" they are SUCH siblings and i love them

Buck actually suggesting that Chim talks about his problems?? growth??

"did you offer her the option of an open marriage" OMG BUCK PLEASE

"probably for the best" omg BOBBY?? he's such a bitch i love him "you're living a lie man" feels so un-Bobby to me also, have we fanonised him too hard?

also Chim arrived at work, didn't even get dressed and then immediately left?? who's the punk now??!

"probably buff most of that out" I love them so much, I feel like Chim set that up deliberately to lighten it up and i love him so much, the little sneak peeks of the sweetheart Chim we know is under this front

"our job ends here at these doors like always"

Buck and kids again again. For violates fanon I'm putting here Buck knowing so very little Spanish, just a stuttering "todo bien". Don't get me wrong i love bar-Spanish-Buck and you can definitely work around it, but to me canon Buck knows like, a handful of bits

Hen is an entire badass. "you know what you can blow" yeah i adore her

Buck: look, I don't know a lot" you said it

"firefighters are a brotherhood, if one of us goes down we make sure the family's looked after" man this feels like a fic prompt just waiting to happen re: Buck and Eddie getting treated as the family

I love Tatiana as a character honestly because I completely get it. It's a tough position to be in if you think your only options are full romantic involvement or flee. Face down Bobby's big sad brown eyes and "my friend" though? Couldn't be me I'd melt IMMEDIATELY look at him i adore him

all of them around Chim's bedside!! help they're a family. Buck trying to motivate Chim with the manouvre!! Chim reaching back for Bobby's hand on "it's alright, his family's right here" please i love them

still no fire fighting as a main plot, feel like the writers are making a point

Best look: Chim in plaid angry yelling at Bobby. Fascinated at how the costume department very specifically puts them in civvies. Honourable mention to Bobby's biggest saddest brownest eyes talking to Tatiana

Worst look: whatever the fuck Athena is wearing. I didn't like it last episode but I gave it a pass, it annoys me a lot more this time but I think the point is be harsh and similar to her uniform as she tries to shield herself against everything. still hate it though. Honourable mention for Chim in the hospital bed because honey that is NOT a cute look. (Bloodied and beaten up in the car though? Not bad, not bad)

Hot take, but I think that Christopher's death was made on behalf of Grace's character arc.

"WHAT??? THE F*CK IS THIS PERSON TALKING ABOUT??!!

I know. Let me explain. But first, let me say that I'm not a Gracetopher shipper.

I neither hate this fictional couple nor do I think that the people who do ship them are in the wrong or anything like that (I'm part of the “Christopher being aro” squad, though). Also, I am not writing this to change anyone's mind. This is simply an observation of mine, and I would like to know if anyone else shares it (it's okay if no one does! Just don't send hate😔). So, if you like this couple, then please be aware that this post may not be for you.

All right! Now that we got this out of the way, let me begin:

I love Christopher. He, as a member of the Merry Thieves and as his own person, was one of my favorite characters of this trilogy. So, of course, I was sad with his death. But I didn't think it was meaningless, or a last minute kind of thing. I believe it had a purpose: not to reduce Grace's character, and her incredibly complex journey, to a romantic relationship.

“Oh look, Grace is good now! I mean, she did end up with Christopher, right?” PLEASE NO.

I seriously wish I was joking, but I promise you, I've come across enough posts and comments to think that some fans of the books decided that they liked Grace only because Christopher was her potential love interest. An idea that was only prompted by the family tree, before Cassie Clare decided to change it.

Because, let's be real, how many times did these characters interact so that they could develop a romantic attraction for each other? There was a mutual understanding between the two of them over science? Of course! Christopher's sympathy for Grace's situation? Absolutely! This boy was a kind soul. Grace's gratitude towards the one person who didn't see her as Tatiana's blade? It existed and it always will.

But Christopher didn't know Grace completely (didn't know of the unwanted kisses that she forced upon James and Matthew, or the horrible truth she revealed to Malcolm Fade). And Grace knew nothing about love (the romantic type, at least). She only knew the twisted and manipulative version that Tatiana showed her. She said it herself in Chain of Thorns: Tatiana made her hard and cold.

“But Christopher could have been the person to teach her about true love” AGAIN, PLEASE NO.

This is just like the “she could fix him” trope. And only because this time the female character was the “broken one”, and the male character was her “savior”, it still isn't right or makes it any better. I mean, this is practically the same issue some people had about Matthew and Cordelia, and the reason they didn't want them to end up together.

Besides, Christopher already WAS Grace's savior. He showed her kindness and patience when she was at the most hopeless point in her life, when she was locked up in the Silent City. He gave her the opportunity to help him with the creation of the fire messages, and helped her to rectify some of the damage she had done to people (like Cordelia).

But most importantly, he showed her that she was worthy of a second chance. In fact, before he died, he made sure to make his friends understand that they should no longer treat Grace with resentment, or else they would be just like Tatiana. In doing so, Christopher also gave Grace the opportunity to continue to improve as a person, and learn to love herself, without fear of further judgment.

Grace is now free to walk her own path. The actions she takes from now on will allow her to find the peace she so desperately needs. And she couldn't have had that by fulfilling her role as Christopher's wife in the misleading family tree. And I think that's for the best. I think the author saw that several people weren't getting this message, so she made a reminder that being in a romantic relationship shouldn't be grounds for your past mistakes to be forgiven. Or the only reason for you to feel worthy of a second chance. Sometimes, all you need is someone who believes in you, like Christopher believed in Grace. Like he believed in all his friends.

Thank you for agreeing about Grace and Kit not being a good ship, it seems that so many girls in this fandom love on her loudly and uwu mostly for her aesthetic, while not even caring about what she’s done to men and James himself, Tatiana or not… I hope we don’t see Grace even consider Kit..as if he’d kiss or date his cousins ex. If Kit even shows reciprocal feelings I know it’ll make me hate his character and I’m sorry to say it. Because he should know better than fall to for James’ recent ex of four years just because she pays a little attention to him, let’s not make him desperate like that. Because I suspect she’ll be his helper with his experiments while everyone’s out fighting, spare us any the flirting please..

Sorry if I sound grumpy I’m not having a great day but I love your account and can’t wait for the book ❤️

Not a spoiler either btw! I just figure she and Kit are the characters that will be out and about helping one another at times while everyone else is out there fighting

you don't sound grumpy at all anon! this is probably the most polite "i hate this ship" explanation i've ever read LOL

i have to admit, strictly aesthetic-speaking, i do like Grace's aesthetic vibe with the grayscale and the creepy and the like. BUT, i can't overlook the things she's done either.

i do recognize that a lot of it was Tatiana's doing, though, and i do have to give the slightest bit of repreive there. Grace is 16 though and does bear enough responsibility to recognize the things she did were wrong and must atone for them. but much of the blame should still rest on Tatiana in this manner in the way that i think their punishments shouldn't necessarily be equal

i've grown to hope that grace's life does get better at some point but not with kit :P

Hello. From your blog I think you love Grace? I love her too. It's very weird to find blogs who like her, I just wanted to say hi. Did you like her storyline in chain of thorns? Something you would have liked to see?

You're correct, I do love her! Hi! 💖

It is weird how people get so vicious about her, isn't it? Chill, no one is saying she's flawless, but also she's 16, can you not call her a bitch for doing what her abusive mother taught her to? /not at you

I liked her storyline, I have mentioned it a bit before, but I think the lingering mindset from having lived under Tatiana's abusive influence makes a lot of sense, and I appreciated that it wasn't dismissed as "she's alright now that she's out", she was terrified of Tatiana and while it hurt to read, I was glad for it. I know people tend to cheer for characters to stand up to their abusers, but it's not always that easy. I don't believe they should be required to, especially not when people think they must to "make up for what they did" if they ended up hurting others in the past like Grace. Apologizing to people they hurt and doing better should be completely separate.

That said, I would have liked if we had more time to truly explore that. Her determination to help perfection the fire messages so she would bring something positive rather than hurt was great, don't get me wrong, but this whole journey of starting to believe she's more than what Tatiana considered her as, and getting used to being with people, believing not everyone has ulterior motives... all of this would realistically take time, but we didn't have a lot of it for it to be a proper extended development.

I also would have liked it more if characters stopped acting as if understanding and forgiving Grace was a labor of sainthood or something like that. I wasn't a fan of how Jesse, aka the only other one who knew how it was under Tatiana, flipped his shit at her, and Christopher was considered almost naive for giving her a chance.

Overall tho, I'm actually pretty pleased!

Now that it's over, how do you feel about MCU Phase 4?

Well, to be honest, I haven't watched like half of it! Overall, I liked what I watched, but it's hard to deny that the MCU has been struggling to find its footing after Endgame. I'll tell you my take on what I did watch (briefly, I'm not a reviewer haha)

-Black Widow: I liked it! Kinda too little, too late for Natasha's character, to be honest, but it was a neat adventure. Yelena was the standout there, great addition to the MCU. I even kinda liked "Taskmaster" (though, yeah, not at all what I would've hoped for a live action Taskmaster) Still miffed the Widow is dead, though.

-Shang-Chi: Loved it. Could call it formulaic, origin story and all, but I don't mind that, personally. The new characters are all great, the return of Trevor Slattery was very funny, the fight coreography was excellent, and I really loved Wenwu and the reimagined Ten Rings (though I wouldn't mind if they turned out to have some of their comic-accurate powers later on wink-wink)

-Eternals: I liked the mythos it brought to the table, and the visuals are incredible, but the romance that's core to the story couldn't have been more bland if it tried, and the Deviants might as well have been an environmental hazard rather than antagonists.

-No Way Home: Loved it! I'm a sucker for that kind of fanservice, not gonna lie. Almost all the returning villains were amazing (except Lizard, he was kind of just...there), but my god, Green Goblin was crazy good. The Multiverse craziness was kind of contrived, and it had kind of a downer ending, but that's the Parker luck for you.

-Wandavision: I liked it, but I feel it didn't go weird enough. Also, you can't convince me that this Wanda and MoM Wanda are the same character. No doubt, Wanda was in the wrong in the show, but there's a far cry from that to going on a legit killing spree. I hated that choice, it felt like character assassination, and it pissed me off enough that I outright refuse to watch MoM.

-Falcon and the Winter Soldier: I guess I liked them. Bucky and Sam were great, and their struggles were very interesting to watch through. John Walker was very good, too, nailed the role. The rest was, uh...well, there's not much there to talk about, unfortunately. Also pissed about Sharon Carter, but she's probably been replaced by a Skrull, in which case I'll allow it.

-Loki: very cool, though I have to say I expected a bit more fun to be had with time travel and alternate timelines. Kind of transparent that this show exists only because Loki's so popular, lol.

-What if...?: kinda hit or miss. Refused to watch the zombie episode because I have a phobia there. Also: poor Tony can't catch a break in that series, lol.

-Moon Knight: pretty great! Like Loki, it's pretty obvious that Oscar Isaac carries the show, but I can't complain. I could see how it'd piss off die hard fans of the comics version, though. He's pretty dang different, from what I know.

-She-Hulk: I've only watched two eps so far. It's funny, and I really like Tatiana Maslany as Jen Walters, but I'm actually really not a fan of the Hulk ever since Endgame. I know the show gets pretty nuts later, so I'm curious to watch more, but who knows when I'll have a chance.

The rest of Phase 4 I haven't watched either from lack of time or because there's something about it that turns me off. I'm sure I'll catch up eventually though!

Thank you for responding to my ask!! (About what the others maybe saw)

I know you don't have specific things in mind, but assuming Alastair is the only one who actually interacted with the world and the others were just spectators maybe they visited a mix of the future and the past?

It feels odd to me to speculate when I know there isn't an answer, so feel free to ignore me if this is too long or you disagree with it but potential scenes for each of the characters?:

Grace: she can't look at Alastair and is embarrassed - maybe she watched the off-page scene where Charles convinced him to be okay with the engagement to her (and the breakup with Ariadne) so she also feels guilty and more awareness of how her actions have hurt people beyond just James?

James/Cordelia: themselves being a cute couple but while patrolling and they may get a sense of a big danger ahead (for helping in the fight) if Cordelia gets an idea about breaking her deal woth Lilith it may give her hope

Matthew: either the people he knows talking about how to help him when he shuts them out (future or past) and how much it hurts them or something tragic regarding Elias and his alcoholism - it could in the long term help him but may haunt him initally

Anna - what you said was really cool :) maybe a scene future/past similar to Grace where she considers how she's affected her partners after seeing their pain/heartbreak?

Thomas - near future scene of the theives being kinder to Alastair, giving him hope? But Anna isn't there, which is why he's worried it implies there's something wrong

Lucie/Jesse: I think they're most likely to get more direct info about Belial/Tatiana (and maybe James/Grace). Jesse the near future and Lucie years later, where her and Jesse are telling kids (their's?) this story (she doesn't hear the whole thing) which is why she's less worried and can be happy about her and Jesse. Also I think Jesse wouldn't panic if given bad info about his mom he must be used to it by now :/

Christopher: you said he'd have the 2nd most direct warning so it's while they're fighting the big battle he appears in the (empty) lab/theives room/curzon street and sees all of the plans/notes to get an idea of what may be going on (especially for the sciencey parts) hence the fear

This is so so long I'm really sorry (again) I guess it's just a sign of how good the fic is that I want to ponder it

(Sorry) <3

ANON ! ! ! !

first of all, never apologise for sending in long asks. second of all, this is so so good. i love it ALL ♡ also yes, i did picture alastair being the only one who interacts directly while the others are spectators!! lovelovelove that it's a mix of the past and the future, that's so big brain :0 bc it makes total sense that there would be clues hidden in the past YOU'RE SO RIGHT

grace being self aware of her actions after seeing the effect it had on alastair (her newest friend) is such a good take omg... and anna's too!

matthew's one just straight up broke my heart, but also good, bc that boy needs some serious help but the only way he can achieve that is to first realise he needs it and be prepared to go on that long road to recovery. but him potentially seeing something related to elias??? i'm going to SCREAM

love jordelia being all cute on patrol and discussing how to fight the world together <3 ideas for cute couple dates be like

GAH THOMAS'S. he really just wants everyone to get along, please ; A ; but him being concerned over anna... 👀

also i forgot to mention in the previous ask about thomas, but his response to alastair's question of whether he's alright or not being 'I don't know' i think has everything to do with alastair himself and where their relationship currently stands. like alastair's made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with him (for many reasons which i referenced in the fic), but then thomas sees whatever he sees . poor darling doesn't know what to feel :'c

"Also I think Jesse wouldn't panic if given bad info about his mom he must be used to it by now :/ " —POOR JESSE. but this is so true. honestly i doubt he's even surprised by her antics anymore, poor baby. and pls him and lucie telling their kids their life story??? i'm so soft over that image :'(((

and CHRISTOPHER'S. YO. YO.

that's so much responsibility, imagine... no wonder the boy is feeling scared. that's straight up being able to outline the majority of their fight while they're literally fighting—which begs the following questions...

how much will he say to the others about what he saw? and how much attention will they pay him once he starts going into all the science jargon (grace aside)? and more to the point, how much of it would they believe? at first, anyway, considering those plans will eventually come into effect? it's not to say they don't trust kit's opinions or don't think he's telling the truth, but when his experiments and such are involved, you can sense the apprehension. imagine if alastair, anna and grace (maybe even jesse) are like "no no hang on, keep going, what do you mean?" IM GOING CRAZY

im very honoured that my little large fic makes you want to ponder over it, and i love these speculations, anon!! thank you for sending them in (and if you have more, don't be shy, i'd love to see them :>)

hope you're having a great day/night wherever you are in the world! ♡