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#'how long does it take for him to arrive at a particular stage of grief and yearning (and awareness of it all)

nashvilledreams · 4 years

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My Naya, my Snixxx, my Bee. I legitimately can not imagine this world without you.

7 years ago today, she and I were together in London when we found out about Cory. We were so far away, but I was so thankful that we had each other. A week ago today we were talking about running away to Hawaii. This doesn’t make sense. And I know it probably never will.

She was so independent and strong and the idea of her not being here is something I cannot comprehend. She was the single most quick-witted person I’ve ever met, with a steel-trap memory that could recall the most forgettable conversations from a decade ago verbatim. The amount of times she would memorize all of those crazy monologues on Glee the morning of and would never ever mess up during the scene… I mean, she was clearly more talented than the rest of us. She was the most talented person I’ve ever known. There is nothing she couldn’t do and I’m furious we won’t get to see more.

I’m thankful for all the ways in which she made me a better person. She taught me how to advocate for myself and to speak up for the things and people that were important to me, always. I’m thankful for the times I grew an ab muscle from laughing so hard at something she said. I’m thankful she became like family. I’m thankful that my dad happened to have met her weeks before I did and when I got Glee, he told me to “look out for a girl named Naya because she seemed nice.” Well dad, she was nice and she became one of my favorite people ever.

If you were fortunate enough to have known her, you’ll know that her most natural talent of all was being a mother. The way that she loved her boy, it was truly Naya at her most peaceful. I’m thankful that Naya got that beautiful little boy back on that boat. I’m thankful he will have a strong family around him to protect him and tell him about his incredible mom.

I just hope more than anything that her family is given the space and time to come to terms with this. For having such tiny body, Naya had such a gigantic presence, a void that will now be felt by all of us - those of us who knew her personally and the millions of you who loved her through your TVs. I love you, Bee.

My favorite duet partner. I love you. I miss you. I don’t have words right now, just lots of feelings. Rest In Peace Angel, and know that your family will never have to worry about anything.

We started out as the closest friends and then like all new things, we went through a bit of a rocky phase. However, we stuck by each other’s side and created the most beautiful friendship built out of love and understanding. The last I had the chance to see you in person, I had left oranges outside our home for you to take. I wanted to say hi through the window but my phone didn’t ring when you called (which it never does, f*cking T-Mobile), so instead you and Josey left two succulents on our doorstep as a thank you. I planted those succulents and I look at them everyday and think of you. I still listen to your EP on repeat because from the moment I heard it, it struck me and I always wished the world knew more of your voice. You sent me over 5 dozen SnapChat videos when you and Josey woke up in the morning and I kick myself that I didn’t save one of them. You always shared recipes and I admired your love for food. We vowed to spend every Easter together, even though Covid stole this last one from us. You are and always will be the strongest and most resilient human being I know, and I vowed to carry that with me as I continue to live my life.

You constantly taught me lessons about grief, about beauty and poise, about being strong, resilient and about not giving a fuck (but still somehow respectful). Yet, the utmost important lesson I learned most of all from you was being a consistent and loving friend. You were the first to check in, the first to ask questions, the first to listen..you cherished our friendship and I never took that for granted.

We never took photos together because we mutually hated taking pictures...our relationship meant more than proof. I have countless pictures of our babies playing, because we shared that kind of pride and joy. So I’m showing the world a photo of our little goof balls for you, because I know that meant more than anything and they remind me of you and I. I speak to you everyday because I know you’re still with me and even though I’m feeling greedy that we don’t get more time together, I cherish every moment we had and hold it close to my heart.

There are no words and yet so many things I want to say, I don't believe I'll ever be able to articulate exactly what I feel but... Naya, you were a ⚡️ force and everyone who got to be around you knew it and felt the light and joy you exuded when you walked into a room. You shined on stage and screen and radiated with love behind closed doors.

I was lucky enough to share so many laughs, martinis and secrets with you. I can not believe I took for granted that you'd always be here. Our friendship went in waves as life happens and we grow, so I will not look back and regret but know I love you and promise to help the legacy of your talent, humor, light and loyalty live on.

You are so loved. You deserved the world and we will make sure Josey and your family feel that everyday. I miss you already.

She was bold. She was outrageous. She was a LOT of fun.⁣

Naya made me laugh like no one else on that set. I always said it while we were working together and I’ve maintained it ever since. Her playful, wicked sense of humor never ceased to bring a smile to my face.⁣

She played by her own rules and was in a class of her own. She had a brashness about her that I couldn’t help but be enchanted by. I also always loved her voice, and savored every chance I got to hear her sing. I think she had more talent than we would have ever been able to see.⁣

I was constantly moved by the degree to which she took care of her family, and how she looked out for her friends. She showed up for me on numerous occasions where she didn’t have to, and I was always so grateful for her friendship then, as I certainly am now.⁣

And even as I sit here, struggling to comprehend, gutted beyond description- the very thought of her cracks me up and still brings a smile to my face. That was Naya’s gift. And it's a gift that will never go away. ⁣

Rest in peace you wild, hilarious, beautiful angel.

How can you convey all your love and respect for someone in one post? How can you summarize a decade of friendship and laughter with words alone? If you were friends with Naya Rivera, you simply can’t. Her brilliance and humor were unmatched. Her beauty and talent were otherworldly. She spoke truth to power with poise and fearlessness. She could turn a bad day into a great day with a single remark. She inspired and uplifted people without even trying. Being close to her was both a badge of honor and a suit of armor. Naya was truly one of a kind, and she always will be. 💔 Sending all my love to her wonderful family and her beautiful son.

Dear Naya,

I’m failing miserably to process this news. I always imagined old future senior moments where we would hear your infectious laughter down the hall knowing that our funny bone was in for a treat. To many people, myself included, you were the life of the party. Not only able to rock when fun was to be had after a long day but that shining friend that was always willing to listen, offer sympathy, perspective and at times, give much needed levity to any situation.

You were a beast on the show. I admired you as I watched you nail multi page monologues that you learned moments before and pour your heart into every performance with an energy that had that snicks special written all over it. Our deep conversations about life inbetween scenes are some of my favorite moments with you. Getting to hear about your hopes and dreams for the future and with Josey’s arrival, ‘Your greatest success’ I was so happy to see your dream turn into reality.

You deserved more. I’m so sorry but you deserved more. You gave life your all and I hope all the good that you have given to the world will be returned in abundance when you reunite with our brother in the heavenly skies. I’m so grateful for our memories. We will make sure to keep your legacy and spirit alive so Josey will grow up to know the incredible woman you were. Love you, Naya. You are already missed. Eternally.

-HSJ

Naya and I fell into stride with such ease, she was my first friend and ally on our show. In the pilot, our characters came and went with such swiftness. Our enthusiasm brimmed with all of the unknown. We tried to grasp what the other cast members must be feeling as we were working in such separate manners. We dared to dream. What if this show worked? Wouldn’t that be something? Something was brimming, it was palpable. And thank god it worked. Naya’s magnetic talent was going to be unleashed, we just didn’t know it yet. ⁣⁣

I’ve been revisiting Naya’s performances on our show and it has brought me great joy. To work with her was a gift. There was a great deal to absorb - her work ethic, her fearlessness, her talent - supreme. Naya had a laugh that would envelop you and hold you captive. She was mesmerizing. That twinkle in her eye, her luminous smile. Naya lead with truth, humor, wit. I loved her for all of these reasons. ⁣⁣

I loved her sense of curiosity and wanderlust. I was lucky enough to be her travel partner for some of my most favorite adventures. As I write this, I’m grinning with swelling memories of a spontenaous 36 hour excursion - one might even say diversion - to Paris. With Naya, everything was possible and would often simply unfold before us, almost magically.⁣⁣

On this particular jaunt, within ten minutes of checking into our hotel, we found ourselves strolling the halls of L'École des Beaux-Arts, sipping wine from paper cups with students showcasing their latest work. It was fantastic. We were united in our commitment to discovery. And there was always a list of cleverly curated ideas in Naya’s back pocket, should we need it. ⁣⁣

I cannot make sense of this tremendous loss. I will hold onto her and these memories for the rest of time, alongside our Glee family. Please hold space for her, her family, her beautiful boy. ⁣⁣

In absolute, loving memory.

Naya The world is at such a loss and I am truly heartbroken. I still remember the day I met you. You Walked straight up to me, grabbed me by the face and drug me around until I met every single person on set, introducing me as “new booty”. You were one of the first people who made me feel like family when others saw me as an outsider. I didn’t know then that you would become my family and that’s just who you were to everyone.. A Mother, Sister, Daughter and most of all a friend. Your massive heart and bright spark is what carried our entire show, when at times we all felt like giving up.

You always showed up for me when I needed some wisdom or was down and just needed someone to talk to. You took care of everyone around you in a way that was so warm and comforting and you sure knew how to throw a hell of a party!

I always admired your bravery and passion to fight for what’s right even when it seemed like you were up against the world. Your spirit is contagious and you continue to make everyone you have touched a better and stronger person by knowing you.

My favorite part of glee was getting to watch you perform and shine up close every day. You really were the pulse of that show. Anyone who was blessed enough to see and experience your raw talent knows it to be true. You’re one of the smartest and most gifted people I have ever met. There is no one like you and there never will be.

You have changed peoples lives all around the world and you continue to change mine forever. I will never forget your love and kindness. Thank you for sharing your spirit Angel.

I will miss you always. I Love you Naya

For the last 7 years the 13th of July has shattered our hearts beyond repair. There aren’t enough words to describe the pain we are feeling, we are truly heartbroken at the loss of @nayarivera .

Naya, Cory loved you so so much. He cherished your friendship more than you will ever know. From the laughs you shared, to the strength you gave him when he needed it the most. Cory truly adored you. He was in awe of your incredible talent, the way you gave everything you had to each performance; the slap in the auditorium was one of his favourite stories to share. You once said Cory was like a member of your family; you will always be a part of ours. We’ll carry you in our hearts forever. We miss you. Friends reunited for eternity.

We send all our love and strength to your beautiful boy, your family, friends and fans 💔🐻💔

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lumoshyperion · 3 years

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thank you for the answer! I know what you mean about theatre being vulnerable, even as an audience member I think you get some of that too, and the way you all share the theatre space together and it's so fleeting! You said that Albus will likely never act again, why is that? :( 🎭

Yes, exactly! It's such a specific, special moment in time? And a play you see now will mean something different than it did years ago when you saw it for the first time. Whenever I see a performance, particularly one with a large audience, I'm always struck by how different everyone's experiences are? We all bring different baggage and biases to the theatre. Something that makes someone else feel nothing, may strip me down to the very core - and it doesn't mean that person didn't watch the play properly, it just means that it meant something different to them. There's no right or wrong way to view and enjoy theatre. And this is especially true for Shakespeare. His works have been adapted over and over and over again. Hamlet in particular will never grow old, its universal themes leading to productions like "Globe to Globe Hamlet", where their aim was to visit every country in the world. We all take something different from the melancholy Dane. Even the companies who adapt the play all have their own concerns and biases in mind when bringing it to the stage - and so will Astoria and Albus and the rest of the team.

Speaking of Albus - he's just not an actor. This is something he mentions, constantly, throughout the process of the play. He's also an introvert and being the centre of attention like he is when onstage, and especially in a leading role, just isn't something he copes with? And I think that - he could be an excellent actor, if he wanted to, but the key word here is "want". Because regardless of how good he is, regardless of how much depth and care he brings to Hamlet - he still doesn't want to be an actor. He doesn't handle the vulnerability well at all, and he's so empathetic that he just - gets lost in the character? And someone like Hamlet is incredibly difficult to inhabit. You constantly hear stories about actors who struggled with the role - Paul Gross said that he often zoned out during scenes, he hallucinated while onstage and sometimes even offstage. It was just too much? Especially for a person like Albus, who has this immense, unyielding sense of empathy and compassion. It stops being a performance, because Albus is out there living every part of Hamlet. He doesn't know how to approach it any other way, because he just... cares too much. He never does things by halves. And he loves Hamlet. He knows Hamlet. Anything less than his whole self just wouldn't be enough. Hamlet deserves more than that.

Here's an excerpt from later on in the fic, when things are starting to get heated. Albus found out that the company has been talking about him behind his back, and he didn't take it very well. He vanished from rehearsals and wouldn't answer anyone's calls. He shows up to the fight call, trying to pretend nothing happened. I've popped it under a "read more" because it's rather long.

Albus went through the stage door rather than the front entrance, not wanting to make a fuss when he arrived and hoping that he might just slip in quietly. But he heard the cast talking onstage as he walked through the wings, and he paused.

“Where else could he have gone?” Yann asked. “We’ve checked all over campus. We’ve checked his favourite cafes, we checked the library.”

“Maybe he went home?” Scorpius suggested, and was met with silence. “I mean, his parent’s home.”

“No, he wouldn’t have done that,” Yann replied, calmly. “He must be at his apartment, we just don’t know where that is.”

There was another silence, before Scorpius spoke, “And you’re sure you never walked home with him? He never mentioned where he was staying?”

“I’ve never been to his apartment. I never even saw the building,” Karl responded, a weight in his words that Albus couldn’t place.

They went quiet again, so Albus stepped out of the wings and put his bag down. Karl, Yann, and Scorpius were standing onstage, while Craig was at the lighting booth loudly talking to someone on the phone. They all stopped and looked at him and Craig said, “Uhh, he’s just arrived. Yeah, no, he literally just walked in… Rose! I’m not going to say that -”

“Where the hell have you been?” Karl snapped.

Albus flinched. Karl never raised his voice. “Is this everyone?”

Craig, who had come down from the lighting booth and joined them onstage, crossed his arms and said, “Rose canceled rehearsal. She’s out looking for you with Astoria.”

“We don’t need them to block the scene. Yann knows what they’re doing.”

Yann put their hands on their hips and frowned. “We should wait until they get back and then decide what to do.”

“We don’t have the time. We open in two weeks, your show opens next week,” He explained, already taking his coat off and eyeing the rapiers. “We should get this over with.”

Albus tossed his coat aside and stared at Yann, who stared back. He knew they wouldn’t be able to argue with his reasoning. Yann was spread thin. Between uni work and his job and choreographing two shows, it was almost impossible to find the time to work on Hamlet’s blocking. Yann raised an eyebrow and Albus inclined his head, trying to communicate that he was fine and that he just wanted to get this over with.

“Alright. We’ll do it,” they relented. But before Albus could say anything, Yann leaned in and added, “But we need to talk afterwards, okay?”

He nodded. He’d expected this. “Fine.”

With that, Yann cleared his throat and addressed everyone, “We’ll do 5.1 first and ease into 5.2. Hopefully by the time we’ve started 5.2, Astoria and Rose will be back.” He looked over at Craig, who glanced up from his phone and shrugged. “Or not. We’ll see.”

They hadn’t covered much of 5.1 yet in rehearsals. It was a handful of scenes that took place in the graveyard, as Hamlet returned from England and Ophelia was buried. Laertes, distraught with grief and anger at his sister’s lack of burial rights, leaped into her grave so that he might hold her one last time. And Hamlet, seeing this, made himself known and declared that his love was stronger than his. They fought over her body and Laertes had to be dragged off Hamlet before he murdered him on sight for his father’s death.

It was an intense scene that Albus had been dreading for a while. Yann had only come in once before to look at the blocking for it, hoping to cover it a lot more thoroughly at the fight call. Without Polly to stand in for Ophelia’s body, Craig offered to take her place, and Albus watched in silence as he climbed into the grave. He could feel everyone looking at him, but he still refused to make eye contact. He just wanted to focus on the play. I loved Ophelia, he recited, in his head. Forty thousand brothers could not with all their quantity of love make up my sum...

“Hold off the earth a while,” he heard Karl speak, and finally glanced up at him, where he stood staring down into the grave. He hadn’t realised Yann had started the scene, he was so wrapped up in his thoughts. “Till I have caught her once more in mine arms.” He wiped a sleeve over his eyes and climbed into the grave, gathering Craig into his arms and holding him to his chest, before glaring up at Yann and Scorpius. His eyes were full of tears, but his mouth was set with determination.

“Now pile your dust upon the quick and dead, till of this flat a mountain you have made,” Karl continued, breathing ragged sobs into Craig’s green beanie. “To o’ertop old Pelion or the skyish head of blue Olympus!”

“What is he who’s grief bears such an emphasis?” Albus asked, approaching the grave just as Karl looked up at him with fury. “Whose phrase of sorrow conjures the wand’ring stars, and makes them stand like wonder-wounded hearers? This is I, Hamlet the Dane.”

Albus climbed into the grave and Karl was immediately upon him, his hand on his throat as the other clutched Craig ever closer. “The devil take thy soul!” He growled.

“Thou pray’st not well -” Albus struggled under his grasp, snatching at his arms and chest as he feigned an attempt to force him off. But Karl was vicious in his hold on Hamlet, glaring at him with a fire in his eyes that shocked Albus to his core. “I prithee take thy fingers from my throat! For, though I am not splenitive and - and rash, yet I -” He stumbled over the words, and Karl’s grasp weakened. Albus took advantage of the momentary lapse and tried to shove him away, but Karl was relentless. “I have in me something dangerous, which let thy wisdom fear! Hold off thy hand!”

“Pluck them asunder!” Yann read for the King, as he and Scorpius dragged Karl out of the grave. He kicked and howled as Albus glared up at him, holding Craig to his chest.

“Good, my lord, be quiet,” Scorpius hissed at him as Horatio.

“Why, I will fight with him upon this theme, until my eyelids no longer wag!” He gasped, shifting his hold on Craig, wrapping his arms around him and pressing his face into his shoulder with a barely suppressed sob. He waited for the Queen’s line, or for Yann to call the end of the scene, but they never did, so he continued, “I loved Ophelia! Forty thousand brothers could not with all their quantity of love make up my sum!”

He glanced up and only saw Karl’s expression of growing concern, and it made him furious. So he set Craig down against the wall of the grave and stood up, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his jumper. He was going off script, ignoring lines and the horrified looks of Yann and Scorpius, but he had to get it out. “What wilt thou do for her? Hmm?” Karl blinked and looked away, which only antagonized Hamlet even more. “‘Swounds, show me what thou’t do! Would weep? Would fight? Would fast? Would tear thyself? I’ll do it! Dost thou come to whine? To outface me by leaping in her grave? Be buried quick with her, and so will I!”

“Albus!” Yann shouted, and Albus flinched as he looked over at them. “That’s enough.”

“Sorry,” he said, taking a step back and looking down at his feet. His heart was pounding in his chest and he could feel sweat dripping down his neck. “I got carried away.”

Somewhere above him, Yann sighed and flicked back through their notes. “It’s fine. But our stopping point for tonight's rehearsal is Horatio’s line - ‘Good, my lord, be quiet.’ And Hamlet climbs out of the grave on the Queen’s line - ‘This is mere madness.’ We can do a full run through of the scene once Astoria and Rose get back, if you want.”

Albus nodded and sat down on the edge of the grave. Craig stood up and joined him and, if he saw the way that his hands were shaking and his bottom lip was trembling, he didn’t say anything about it.

Yann tapped his pen against his chin and stared down into the grave. “I’m just not sure about the way Hamlet is jumping in after Laertes. It doesn’t feel natural,” he mused.

Craig cleared his throat and raised a hand. “I know I’m supposed to be dead, but…” Albus chuckled at that, in spite of himself, although the sound was hollow. “Could Laertes pull Hamlet into the grave? Rather than jumping in after him?”

Yann considered, for a moment. But then their phone went off and they sighed. “Can we take five? Erin is calling me.”

As Yann took the call, Albus waited for a comment from Karl about Erin - the director of the musical Yann was working on, and the “villain who kept stealing their choreographer” - but it never came. He glanced over and watched as Scorpius and Karl spoke to each other in hushed tones, near the front of the stage. He knew they were talking about him, from the way they kept stealing glances at him. Something about the sight of it made his heart clench in his chest - made him want to get up and leave again.

But then Craig suddenly rested his head on Albus’s shoulder, distracting him from Karl and Scorpius’s secret conversation. “I don’t know how you actors do it,” he said, with a yawn. “It’s very exhausting, being dead.”

Albus gave him a weak smile. “I’m still not an actor,” he replied, aware of the irony considering his outburst just moments ago. “Say the word and I’ll come running back to the design department.”

“I wish you would. It’s lonely up in the rigs and the lighting desk without you.” He paused and rested his chin on Albus’s shoulder, staring up at him with those dark eyes. “Where did you go last night? We were worried about you.”

catch the irony of Craig's role in this scene :')

#Ask #Anonymous #Cursed Child #ccsquad #as I do thee

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allie1804-fan · 4 years

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A Doorway is Opened (Chapter 1)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Some time in the Autumn of 2019

“Hey Hannah, great to see you”

“You too”

“Are you OK? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”

“Just nervous I guess” Hannah laughed “Silly really after the book tour and interview, you’d think I’d have gotten used to it!”

“Well this is Keanu Reeves we’re talking about – he’s enough to make even an old pro like me catch my breath! Come on” said Ella, “let’s get this meeting started”

Ella was Hannah Johnson’s publisher and Hannah had written a book for which Keanu Reeves’ production company, Company Films, was interested in buying the rights. The book chronicled a couple’s journey to having a family through infertility to having their first son followed by three miscarriages before a second son finally arrived. They were due to meet with the actor himself and his partner Stephen Hamel that morning to talk more about a possible deal.

As it turned out, there was no need for nerves. The minute Keanu arrived and introduced himself, he put everyone at their ease. His focus on the work and his enthusiasm for it took the attention off him plus he seemed a little shy himself.

The first thing he’d said on shaking Hannah’s hand was “Hi I’m Keanu, I really loved your book, I can’t wait to talk to you about it!”

“Thanks, it’s an honour to meet you. I’ve been a fan of yours for a long time”

At this, a flush rose up, starting from Keanu’s neck and pretty soon turning his face quite a bright pink as he softly muttered his thanks.

“First thing you learn about Keanu” Stephen joked, “The man cannot take a complement”

They all laughed including Keanu who covered his mouth with his hand before looking down at his feet.

“All right, shall we get this meeting started” he said.

“Can we start with the origins of the story, how much if it is autobiographical? It’s so beautifully raw …..”

Now it was Hannah’s turn to blush.

“Thanks, well yes it is largely auto-biographical. I did research too and changed some of the details but it’s essentially my family’s story”

“Wow, I’m sorry you went through all that” Keanu said sincerely. “You did a great job with the pain but also the anger and err, the err”

“The nasty side?”

“Yeah I guess” he replied looking a tad embarrassed

“infertility, baby-loss – it tends to bring out the less balanced side of one’s persoality” Hannah sighed. My husband often referred to it as the dark years!”

“I can imagine” Keanu said softly and the room went quiet. Everyone knew what was on Keanu’s mind. Even 20 years on, everyone remembered the loss of his daughter to stillbirth.

“Look don’t worry, I’m not offended” Hannah rushed to reassure him. “I wanted to show the full experience, the light and the dark.”

The conversation thankfully turned to some of the lighter moments - even infertility treatment can have some comedy in it after all.

“I’d have loved to have played the husband but I think I’m too old now unless some of the details about the couple’s ages were altered. Do you have a view on that?”

“Err well I’ve not really thought too much about it, it came as a surprise that anyone was interested in turning it into a film if I’m honest”

Hannah could see out of the corner of her eye that Ella was rolling her eyes skyward at this since it didn’t exactly make it seem like the book rights were in demand! Keanu picked up on it and smiled catching Hannah’s eye who blushed and looked down at her hands before adding:

“I guess the only impact could be on the sense of exclusion that comes from not being part of the club, you know. not having a child at all when everyone else does, not completing your family when everyone else has. That kind of relies on the friendship circle also being at that stage and driving that sense of exclusion. But there are many people who start later or where the husband is slightly older so I don’t see necessarily why it couldn’t work as people tend to be drawn to make friends with others who are at the same stage of life regardless of age.

“Ok, well if we could make it work, do you think your husband would be willing to talk to me about his perspective?”

As Ella drew in a sharp breath, Keanu knew he’d said something wrong and looked to Hannah who was momentarily speechless.

“Erm, sadly no, you’ll have to rely on me for that ….. errr, Mark died, 18 months ago.

“Oh god!, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know, shit”

“Don’t worry, please don’t worry, it’s not like that fact is all over the back cover. The book was published before his death and we didn’t update the bio with the 2nd edition, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for” she reassured him.

“Thanks” Keanu said “well even if we can’t make that casting work, I’d still like our company to bring the story to a cinema audience. Would you be interested in writing the screenplay?”

“Gosh, again that’s something I hadn’t anticipated … but it could be a possibility. Can I have time to think about it?”

“Sure, I mean we have a roster of writers we can call upon - I think even if you decide it’s not for you, we’d still want you to consult, would that be OK?”

“Absolutely”

The talk finally turned to finances and both Keanu and Hannah held back from the conversation until the meeting drew to a close. As they packed away their papers, Keanu asked Hannah if she’d be free to join him for coffee at the shop across the street from the offices.

“It’s the least I can do after being so crass earlier”

“You weren’t crass and you don’t have to do that! Not at all. Anyway wouldn’t you get mobbed out there in public at a coffee shop?”

“Not at all, I can go about my business day to day as a private citizen - people tend to give me space if they can see I’m busy and especially when I have company – in fact you’d be acting as my personal bodyguard”

Over at the coffee shop they settled into the booth with their coffees. Keanu encouraged Hannah to have a stab at writing the screenplay.

“I mean, I bet you didn’t think you could write a novel before and then you did!”

“OK, OK, I take your point” she laughed. “If I do, would you be willing to look at a first draft?”

“Of course, it would be my pleasure”

They chatted some more. Keanu wanted to see the boys who’d brought such joy to her life. Hannah shared some pictures – the ‘boys’ were now 21 and 16 years old.

“They’re handsome fellows, I can see your eyes in the older one. Do they favour you more or their dad?”

“Their Dad more, especially Josh. He’s the younger one”

“Right - that must be, a mixed blessing I guess”

“Yeah, yeah, yes is it can be. Actually Toby sounds just like him so when he comes home and says “hello” it can throw me for a loop!”

“Wow, I can’t imagine. I’ve never lost anyone that close, I mean where I lived with the person and had that kind of constant reminder of their absence…. unless you count my Dad”

“Your dad died?”

“Well, yeah actually but that was more recent, I meant when I was young, he left. We had been estranged for a long time by the time he died”

“I’m sorry – I’m glad my kids didn’t have that loss – it almost seems more cruel than death, that he chose to leave I mean” Hannah checked herself “sorry, sorry – we seem to be making a habit of putting our feet in it don’t we?”

Keanu laughed “no, no, I can see exactly what you mean – and don’t worry, no hard feelings”

Soon after this exchange, they each needed to leave so phone numbers were shared and Hannah agreed to contact him when she had some scenes to share.

Over the next 3 months, Hannah met Keanu in that same coffee shop every couple of weeks or so as she worked on her ideas for the screenplay. The theme she liked best was that of closed and open worlds. As she’d navigated infertility and baby-loss, at each stage there had been a sense of being welcomed into a world and then excluded from the next natural place. She hoped a director could capture that sense of being trapped and unable to move forwards somehow.

In their conversations she also tried to explain as best she could the different perspectives of the many people directly and indirectly involved. There was her husband who had wanted to keep the troubles they had in perspective and, especially when they had their miscarriages, to look to the future. Whilst Hannah had needed to wallow in the grief of their first loss in particular, he’d not felt that loss so much. She understood that for her, the future would have looked much different day to day with a new baby. She would have been taking her eldest to kindergarten with a new-born in tow. Yes, he would have been a dad of two but would still be going to work day to day as usual. Her work colleagues had sent her flowers after that miscarriage and he’d been angry. “why are they sending you flowers, nobody died” he’d yelled. They’d argued after that, the difference in their perspective magnified. But in the long term she’d understood his desire to ‘fix’ things. She’d been through grief before when her dad had died when she was just 16. She understood the need to wallow and let the grief breathe. His desire to move on felt like an attempt to stifle that but she understood the emotions behind it.

Then there were in-laws also willing things to be normal, not wanting to face the pain, telling her that she should be grateful to have her eldest and focus on him. Hearing that from people who already had 2 or 3 kids and no infertility was a bitter pill to swallow – you only really ‘get it’ if you’ve been there too after all.

He was a good listener and obviously enjoyed the process of empathising and learning about how other people processed these traumas.

By the end of the year the screenplay was really taking shape but in January their FTF meetings had to stop as Keanu had to go to San Francisco for the Matrix 4 Shoot. They had one more coffee shop meeting in early March before he went to Berlin but otherwise, all connection was via e mail and FaceTime as they were either separated by miles or by the Corona Virus lockdown. Through the months, their conversations and correspondence helped a close friendship to grow. Hannah felt the clouds of grief lifting and recognised Keanu’s part in that for her due to having the screenplay to focus on and his friendship.

Chapter 2

#keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves fanfiction #fluff #keanu reeves imagine #romance miscarriage heartache

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shinebrite97 · 4 years

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Gifted Child: Apprentice’s backstory and Pre-Plague Life

Day 1 of EnbyApprenticeWeek

Lochlan was born in Zadith to a pair of alchemist parents. Their father was an esteemed magician and their mother was educated, a healer who made tonics blessed by her husband’s spells. Both were eager to teach their offspring their craft. Unfortunately a spell backfired when Lochlan was thirteen which resulted in their home catching fire. Devastated by the blaze and lacking the resources to rebuild right away, Lochlan’s parents sent them to live with their father’s sister in Vesuvia. She had not been magically inclined like her brother, but owned a shop that boasted charms and potion ingredients. It was a half-day’s sail to the docks of Vesuvia, and their parents promised to join them within the week.

By the end of the week, they never arrived.

A month after settling into Vesuvia, Lochlan met the wandering teen magician, Asra Alnazar, and the two became fast friends. Lochlan was astounded to see Asra’s magical ability, just like their father’s. Asra appreciated Lochlan’s intelligence and knowledge when it came to tonics and potions. The two quickly became a dynamic duo when it came to magic and medicine. Not to mention their looks. They often had bets on who would score a date first on any given night out. Once their niche was developed, Lochlan began visiting the apothecary in earnest, sometimes paying for ingredients, other times, stealing them while schmoozing if the apothecary owner’s doe-eyed daughter was at the counter. On a particular day, when Lochlan was pulling their charade, they met a gangly red head who entered the shop for medicinal supplies. They spoke for a bit while the shopkeep’s daughter wrapped up licorice root for the stranger and Julian was pleasantly surprised when he realized that this kid knew what they were talking about. At the end of the encounter, Julian paid for the ingredients Lochlan had been trying to steal along with his own purchases. When Lochlan asked where Julian worked, the latter only laughed in response. The two would continue to bump into each other in the apothecary, in the marketplace, and even in south end.

When they were both sixteen, Asra asked Lochlan to move in with him and his friend Muriel after they’d built themselves a small hut in the woods. Lochlan declined the invitation, choosing to stay with their aunt with an underlying hope that their parents would return despite the years that had passed by since their last communication, not to mention that Muriel and Lochlan never seemed to get along. Lochlan agreed to visit them from time to time.

The plague had already begun when Lochlan’s aunt grew ill. She was dying by the time Asra returned to the shop, asking Lochlan to join him and Muriel as they ventured to safer pasture. When Lochlan refused, while putting on their plague mask to see their aunt and give her medicine, Asra told them she wouldn’t survive much longer and they would live if they joined them now. But Lochlan couldn’t take it anymore. As their stress rose, Lochlan finally snapped. They told Asra to wake up and smell the roses, pausing to actually throw a handful of wilted rose petals at him. “Muriel doesn’t even want me around!” They said. “My parents taught me everything I know about medicine and you taught me enough magic that I can bless these tonics just as well as you can...” They were shaking from fear and stress now, voice muffled by the beak of their mask. “I--I can’t give up now, Asra! If that stupid Count can parade around with this virus, Aunt Maude will be just fine too.” Asra accepted their words hesitantly and sadly, telling Lochlan where they would be if they ever needed someone, and exactly how to get there. Saying he’d be waiting for them, and that they were one of his best friends and that nothing else mattered to him as long as Lochlan and Muriel were alive. Lochlan smiled through the beak mask, placing their hands on Asra’s shoulders. “You’ve been a great friend to me, Asra, I will never stop being grateful for the time I’ve had with you. And I hope that someday you and Muriel will return and all of this will end.” Lochlan tried to hug Asra but the beak pecked him in the face, they both laughed, only to be interrupted by Lochlan’s aunt coughing into the sheets. She glanced up at the noice, turning over to see the commotion and smiled as blood dribbled from her lip. “It’s getting so hard to see now, my dear. Is there someone else here? You should put on some tea.” “Auntie,” Asra said. “I was just getting ready to leave, sorry if we woke you.” “Asra, dear...how sweet of you to come by.” She fell asleep immediately after. “I hope you come to find us soon,” Asra said, squeezing Lochlan’s shoulder. “So long friend.”

Aunt Maude died two days later, and while Lochlan let out their grief over their efforts being for nothing, they heard the herald of the announcements echoing from the marketplace, knowing that no one and nothing was currently there to soak up the sound. They opened the door to listen…

We are in dire need of doctors for the palace. Anyone who enlists will be given shelter, food, and payment. You will work under our very own Quaestor Valdemar in search of a cure for this deadly virus. The message repeated two more times breaking up as the speaker coughed and choked, probably in the early stages of the plague themself. Lochlan knew they had another chance now. They carried their aunt outside, laying her delicately on the steps to the shop, knowing that by nightfall, Pontifex Vulgora would lead the charge to collect the dead, even placing lavender in between her spindly cold fingers, before beginning the trek up to the palace.

They became Doctor 065 of the 70 doctors who managed to come from far and wide. Ended up in the last lot with Julian Devorak, and their odd little friendship quickly became a more serious and secret flirtationship before becoming a full-on partnership. Something that Quaestor Valdemar took advantage of and exploited when Lucio became desperate for a cure. Going as far as to request both of them to his room where he infected Lochlan telling Julian that now he really had a reason to do his job to save his little “fuck buddy” from dying. Julian became mad with his panic to save Lochlan who immediately was forced to stop working and spent all their time keeping and decoding Julian’s notes.

Lochlan died on a sweltering summer day, holding Julian’s hand.

#enbymcweek2020 #enbyapprenticeweek #The Arcana Game #the arcana #julian devorak #the arcana asra #asra alnazar #the arcana julian #julian x oc #lochlan

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vaguely-concerned · 4 years

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The Untamed Liveblog

Yes hello I watched the whole thing and wrote down some of my thoughts and feelings along the way so I wouldn’t fuckign EXPLODE! Only look under the cut if you’re prepared for a truly outrageous amount of rambling (...no really)

- I am elated to find that so far every adaptation I’ve seen has faithfully preserved the absolutely bizarre structure of the original book, I am appreciating the dedication haha

- the actor lends this version of lan wangji such an edge of youth and vulnerability right from the beginning, it breaks my heart. I don’t care how good he is with a sword, you can’t expose this pure sweet boy to the horrors of war!!!

- I am so glad I already know who all these characters are and wtf is going on, I can’t imagine watching this first time without that knowledge lol

- I love how they’ve made nie huaisang look so small and soft next to all the other cultivator, he looks like a floofy and eternally confused baby birb ;______;

- nhs citing the goldfinch as the reason he doesn’t want to die (presumably because no one will know to take care of it) TOT ur meant to be comic relief in this part of the story buddy you can’t make me cry like this yet!!!

(also the actor for wwx effortlessly sliding into being protective and reassuring and Good in a crisis. wonderful!)

- the actor for xue yang has chosen to go with the sexy baby school of evil acting normally associated with female villains and for that I can only applaud him

also setting up characters who are going to be important later on is something this show is doing better than the original haha, both the extra wen quing & ning and song lan & xiao xingcheng content is appreciated. (especially the latter suffered from ‘oh yeah those two -- actually wait who the fuck are these two again’ syndrome for me when I read the book. additional note: I am very sorry but clearly they are gay there’s no other explanation here)

- poor jiang cheng, they really haven’t given him much help in this huh. I would sort of have preferred it if they let him be ever so slightly less abrasive in the beginning, like in the book and the animated version; I’m not feeling quite as devastated over this relationship as I did in either of those.

- lan xichen’s soft knowing smile is a blessing every time. just a nice man. did not deserve this. protect.

- kudos to the actor for jin guangyao for the instinctive creeping unease I feel whenever he talks, even at this stage. he’s a wrong ‘un sir he’s a wrong ‘un

- y’know both the fact that nhs spent three days catching a bird and kept it with him undetected and that he’s the friend you go to for the good porn and managed to not only smuggle it into the cloud recesses but did so without getting caught... some wonderful subtle foreshadowing here (to make up for the very blatant visual foreshadowing that’s already been given out I assume lol)

- anyway lan ancestor lady and baoshan-sanren? gay. sad and gay. (I love how thoroughly wwx is getting to meet the in-laws btw lol how often do you have to meet your future spouse’s family from like three generations ago and take care of her rabbits for her after she’s gone, all before you even get to second base)

- fkadshfkasjdlhfsdjkfh the sheer consistency of nhs wistfully commenting on all the beautiful men surrounding him fsadfkjsdhfksd I think they might oh so subtly be hinting at some stuff here. HILARIOUS that this version, which has to maintain at least the veneer of some plausible homoerotic deniability, is a lot more overt about it than the book, which is free to be balls to the wall as gay as you please

- oh no nie mingjue just showed up my entire heart is on fire. BIG BROTHER!! so stern yet fair, so righteous, so worried y______y also can we talk about how his ‘hmmm I think imma stab it?’ approach to evil in general and xue yang in particular would have saved everyone a lot of grief later on? and he tells wwx the whole necromancy thing is probably not a good idea? (I really like how he does it too, he has so much Older Brother Energy it spills over when he talks to other kids around huaisang’s age lol. it’s good that they show his temper isn’t indiscriminate at all, he’s not angry at wwx even though his idea is provably incredibly dangerous) sole ornery voice of reason nie mingjue, also did not deserve what’s about to happen, I cry and my tears are blood

- ‘yeah okay I get that you’re mad but have you maybe considered... I didn’t do it?’ is an unusually weak opening move from jgy considering nmj literally did just see him absolutely 100% do it

- there should be a WARNING at the beginning of episodes where nmj cries so one could be PREPARED for the emotional devastation!!!!! tollest & stronkest man of the cast also stupidly pretty and heartbreaking while crying, it’s not fair

- I love how every cultivation sect’s home (except for the wens b/c they’re cartoon villains) is refined and beautiful and luxurious, even when it’s in a restrained way like the lans’... and then there’s the nie place which is like ‘please understand that this is a fuckn fortress’

- aww this doomed jiang cheng/wen quing thing is cute! too bad about... everything that’s about to happen happening huh

- oh wen ning. very hilarious that he’s known as the ~*ghost general*~ forevermore when actually... he is baby... cinnamon roll baby... too good for this world, too pure...

- how is this cgi turtle somehow less egregious than the one in the animated version lol. I quite like this bad little friend! long neck.

- oh NO lan wangji finally letting himself show that he’s in pain when they’re in private... i’m uwu

this beautiful boy is so long and lanky tho, I must admit he triggers my parental instinct more than the hot boy alert at this stage (but that’s fine I’m not the one who’s going to smooch him that’s wwx’s job lol)

the look of absolute disbelief and despair lwj gives when wwx thinks he’s in love with mianmian... this show is a cinematic masterpiece and I will hear no other opinion

- lwj looking at the love of his life completely missing the point: are you a joke to you (the answer is yeah)

- okay we’ve officially hit the point where everything’s about to go to hell for real, pray for me I’m not sure I can handle this again

- jiang fengmian acknowledge your other son who desperately wants your attention and affection challenge (unfinished)

- watching this scene knowing exactly what this promise means to jiang cheng and that wwx is going to break it... this is fINE

why the fuck did I do this to myself I know what’s about to happen when will I learn to quit while I’m ahead lol

- the change in subtext from the novel that EVERYONE sees wangxian coming from day one is so painful from jiang cheng’s side. this poor boy really has abandonment issues pelting him from every direction huh. tfw your idiot genius brother doesn’t even fucking realize he’s basically announcing he’s leaving your clan and your side to get married one day ;______;

- man mxtx is just so GOOD at peppering in the small private tragedies that somehow sting even worse than huge atrocities going on. the fact that madam yu and papa jiang never manage to reconcile and communicate except possibly in death... oof my friends. oooof.

- WAIT WHAT NO DON’T SHOW ME THE CHILDREN WHO’RE ABOUT TO DIE WHAT THE FUCK YOU MONSTERS

- like we’re right at the worst part now and she is an asshole... but damn madam yu’s last stand is epic tho. like a champ to the end

- wen zhuliu’s actor being able to uphold a look of tremendous boredom at all times regardless of what’s going on around him is Poetic Cinema Bitches

- jiang cheng and wei ying are holding hands on the boat... stab me in the heart... end my suffering

- you know what in this version we get to see that madam yu knew her husband came back for her and they died holding hands and not everything’s on fire yet, so far this isn’t quite as harrowing as the animated version. the dead children are fucking me up but the tone of the animated version is like a nightmare, this is less disturbing to me

also can we talk about how madam yu fought them off the whole day and night and her husband gets his ass owned within five minutes 😔 oh papa jiang

- oh okay turns out jiang cheng’s ‘I want my mom and dad’ gets to me in every adaptation good to know

they’re so young they’re bbs I don’t want to be here anymore haha

- wen ning. a sweet angel. just the goodest of boys. his sister raised him so well ;______:

- wen quing is so ethereally beautiful and also looks like she could stop a train with the force of one glance. like she’s my height but her presence is immense

- oh I see we’ve arrived at the tiny adorable flashback bbs part of this journey, let me just... just lie down somewhere huh

- outside of the central romance this is a tale about people who love their brothers very very much and it’s real sad for everyone involved

- me watching nie mingjue kicking down the doors to reclaim his own dang fortress: YEEEEAAAAH GO OFF DAGE!!! i um love him and his very handsome face

- jiang cheng dreaming about his family is EMOTIONAL WARFARE!!! how fucking dare!!!

- y’know what this isn’t a bad way of adapting the burial grounds thing! also pretty cost effective I imagine, gotta think about the budget when so much of it goes into fabulous wigs and robes

- credit where it’s due, the actor for wen chao makes his face do some shit I didn’t know human faces could do and he’s enjoyable to watch in the capacity as your friendly neighbourhood hate sink

- lwj consistently using wwx’s personal name even when talking to total strangers now... mhm this is also fine

- I can’t beliEVE this show is somehow less subtle about the gay stuff than the book, jin zixuan basically just asked lwj if he and wwx were... y’know... I guess cultivation partners would be the way to go here lol. between that and nhs more or less asking them if they were off fucking after the whole cold cave debacle... what a time to be alive even if they’re not going to kiss on-screen

- huaisang I hate to have to be the one to tell you this but your brother is an entire snacc. and yet I respect him way too much to ever proposition him, I know he is busy winning a war and being Righteous and slowly being driven mad by the ghost in his sword on top of raising his little brother, I’m not here to complicate things for him any further

I love this version of nmj so much though. this sense that he also sees the stuff that is genuinely good in jgy and has a real moment of grief that the dude just can’t seem to get away from his basic insecurity that causes him to do horrific things, even when handed other opportunities... the fact that he seems regretful and worried when asking jin zixuan how jgy is doing with the jin....... everything to do with his little brother...................... oh no he’s Soft in his private life this is awful

- poor lwj’s ‘I have a bad feeling about this’ face in this scene haha, he’s staring at this talisman like ‘I only know one person smart and dumb enough to pull this off’

- can’t wen quing just get one nice thing. one nice thing just for her. hasn’t she been through enough. give her her brother back and a nice quiet place to practice medicine and maybe some soft romance with jiang cheng eventually this show is kind of selling me on this.

- unexpectedly my favourite part of the revenge scene is just the camera switching back to lwj and jc watching in horrified silence like ‘...O___o dude this is fucked up tho right?? it’s not just me that’s messed up??’

- one is forced to wonder about wen zhuliu tho. this version reads as pretty explicitly depressed/suicidal to me, he’s kind of an interesting villain since his main traits are unquestioning loyalty mixed with unending indifference and also seemingly not too pressing a will to live

- oh nhs desperately trying to keep it together and pretend nothing’s different ;_____; this version is really driving it home that wwx is a lot of people’s only friend -- jiang cheng is mentioned to not have anyone but his sister to play with before he arrived, lwj was raised primarily on books and rules and his brother is ELATED that he has one (1) friend now, from the sheer depth of the attachment I’m willing to bet nhs hasn’t had many real friends in his life either. wwx gives and gives of himself and doesn’t know how to take help in return.

- foreknowledge is a beautiful thing; if you look at nhs when it’s revealed wwx didn’t bring his sword you can visibly see his brain kicking into overdrive haha. smart boy.

- big sister ;_______; I am an older sibling so I haven’t really had the feeling of having an older sister to look to, I see why it might be comforting now

- oh this is some real uruk-hai shit!! honestly the special effects in this aren’t half as bad as I’d been lead to fear, some of you guys just weren’t forged in the crucible of shitty sci-fi channel cgi at an early age and it shows

(honestly the weird fight stuff threw me much worse in nirvana in fire, because that series has such intricate, credible and realistic political world building and then people are flying all over the place through wire fu and it is so disorienting haha)

- oh nhs looking up at his brother like a puppy during the war council T______T baby bird boy

(between this point in the main story and fatal journey it’s very interesting how clearly nhs needs the emotional stability and safety of his brother -- who also seems to be his parental figure -- to function properly, even in his late teens. it looks like he needed more time to grow up than the rest of them even before they were all thrown into this awful bullshit. well he does have a lot of murderkitten brain to grow I guess that’s fair enough lol. wwx has some of the same thing with his sister too)

- whenever lxc and nmj look at each other it feels like the only two adults in the room meeting each other’s eyes like ‘...oh dear’

- aww lwj getting some advice from his brother. this poor kid really hasn’t been raised to handle the moral complexity of the real world huh, good thing lxc is here to lend some nuance to lan qiren’s unforgiving dogma

- oh lan zhan

- nmj’s plan to just idk somehow go in alone and fight the wen overlord mano a mano to avoid any more casualties... a spine made of steel, a heart made of gold, a head made of wood :’) truly a perfect man, good thing his brother got the brains in that family and he has some more sensible people around him

- in the face of inevitability I plead... jiang yanli... please don’t marry this asshole your son is going to be predictably insufferable

wwx has suffered through so much the last four months or so and yet his real breaking point is seeing his sister cry and can I just say -- relatable content

- NO! NO STOP HURTING HIM HE’S JUST GOOD AND HANDSOME AND DOESN’T DESERVE THIS

(could be applied to like 98% of these characters but in this case it’s nmj b/c I love him)

I do find it very funny and oddly comforting that nmj is literally so fuckn mad that it takes three times as many attacks for the evil sorcery stuff to take him down than we’ve seen used on anyone else fsdkfhasdkj too angry to die

wHY has my brain chosen for me to attach so deeply to perhaps The single most inevitably doomed person in this entire cast, at this point I’m just being cruel to myself lol

- I can’t describe how much I love the fanficiness of this story, in the best ways. the emotional fallout from the destruction of the lotus pier gets more screentime and attention than the entire sunshot campaign, and that’s exactly how I want it to be.

- they’ve been doing some great work to establish that the jin are also jeeeeeerks for such a long time, how’s that for foreshadowing

- equal opportunity traitor jgy gets his stab in lol one must respect the grift, though, he’s set himself up pretty darn good

*lxc stops nmj from killing jgy, hello darkness my old friend starts playing in the background*

fatal journey builds nicely on this fundamental thing that the nie boys take their responsibility to their people extremely seriously, it seems to be the fact that jgy so blithely talks about them as necessary casualties that really sets him off

- adlfsdfhsdkjh lxc and nmj meekly being like ‘...we could maybe... not commit war crimes? if that’s at all possible? no?’

*slaps ‘I don’t think you even tried at all’ stars on both of them* (I mean I actually do kind of see where they’re coming from a bit, they just came out of a pretty costly war and I wouldn’t feel too comfortable getting right back into it with arguably the wealthiest faction, who’s also been keeping back a bit and thus kept a lot more reserves. well played jin bastards well played)

- I could stop here. if I stopped here everything would basically be as okay as they could be and the world full of hope still. I suppose the question here is... do I love myself enough to quit while the going is good. and the answer is no I already started the next episode

- I think one incredibly endearing aspect of this version of nmj is that he has a look of faint but permanent worry about him. he walked onto the screen with a vibe of ‘...oh boy I don’t like where this is going’ and he’s just kept going ever since

in the book he’s kind of a flat character (whose one trait is Mad), I love that they’ve given him some depth and nuance here! probably partly down to the actor doing a great job, but this version has a real sort of warmth to him and also seems downright uncertain at times -- he thrives when there’s a clear goal and black and white sides, and is probably not t h r i l l e d with the weird tentative political situation after they take down the wens lol. thank god he has his little brother to make ‘bitch please’ faces over his shoulder when the jin get weird about things

anyway I’m always on the ‘nhs you are SO valid’ train, but in this version nhs is quadruple valid, in fact only mianmian is more valid in this entire world

- one of my favourite parts of this show is when wwx enters a situation and the camera takes some time to zoom in on the faces of his family and friends to convey their sense of ‘oh god what the fuck is he about to say now’ dread

- jiang yanli asking her little brother if he doesn’t want to stay with them anymore while crying is emotional kryptonite, help

this poor woman, she had to put all her points into emotional intelligence b/c god knows no one else in this family did

- hell YEAH lan zhan go break some rules!! treat yourself my guy

- hey sis if, theoretically, one hypothetically found oneself in -- for the sake of argument -- love with, as the case may or may not be, someone... how would one tell?? asking for a friend

- the whole summary of this fucking show is just ‘weaponized sibling feels’ everything hurts with foreknowledge why did I keep going

- aw no blindfolded kiss scene but here’s a scene with real earnest emotional intimacy stuff going on instead... I will joyfully take it your honor

- I do value and respect the translators giving us these subtitles so much... but they did also force me to read the words ‘bosom friend’ with my own two eyes right there and that was not very cool of them

- why oh WHY must jiang yanli, best person in the world, have been cursed with the horrible fate of being in love with the dumbest man on the planet

*jiang yanli juggling all the idiot men in her life* oh god my little brother is causing an international diplomatic incident again time to bUCKLE UP

oh ho ho you know shit is getting real when big sister gets mad I LOVE HER. suddenly you see she definitely her mother’s daughter after all lol

wwx crying because his sister just fiercely defended him in public... im uwu

- I hate jgy with all my heart but I do feel bad for him too. his barely faltering :) look while all his asshole relatives gang up on him sdfhskahf

- again the jin are dicks but when it comes to aesthetics they do go off, that’s such a beautiful shade of blue

- dsflhsdakjlfhsdakjfl sd this shot of lwj and nmj right before lxc drinks is the funniest framing imaginable b/c lwj is wearing a look of complete stonefaced

-___________-

and meanwhile nmj, who presumably has seen lxc drunk before since they’re longstanding bros, looks worried as fUCK

- awwwww I do love nhs capitalizing all of jc’s attention so the others won’t start shit with him/so he won’t get to say something publicly he’ll regret later because he’s (understandably honestly) mad at his brother for making his life even more difficult than it has to be (I have every sympathy with wwx but buddy... buddy must you make everything more complicated for your bro every darn time this is a real delicate political situation and he’s not suited for that even without your antics)

it’s a very nhs move because he comes across as slightly boorish and rude and thus leaves jc blameless and thus protected, you can get so far if you have no self respect lol

- showing us exactly how wen ning died is honestly a little too mean this is not fun

- good god this poor grandma has been through the wringer hasn’t she

- oh. oh wen ning, who never meant hurt anyone in his entire life :(

- listen okay the end is in sight just a couple more horrific tragedies to get through and then it’s the weird romantic comedy buddy cop antics of the current day timeline to ride to the end

- it cannot be overemphasized how much this lan zhan is Baby, I so desperately want to help and protect him

- I’m going to stop shouting out individual actors on this show they’re all goddamn brilliant haha (but am I tho)

- most valid person in the cultivation world mianmian

also enjoying the exemplification of nmj’s character that is ‘not sure how I feel about this dumb kid with the big mouth digging his own grave ever deeper but that girl’s got guts and I respect that’

- wen quing is getting a taste of the dangers and pitfalls of having wwx as a little brother dfhskdalfhsdaklj she and jyl should compare notes (he’s so good tho T-----T)

- how does wwx’s actor have such natural dad energy at such a young age, too powerful

- people give so little thought to how fucked up jc’s situation really is here, like he’s just being an asshole for the sake of it. spend three fucking seconds looking at it with some realpolitik in mind and realize that the clans around him have just shown that they can and will wipe out an enemy clan together if need be, and that his own sect hasn’t even gotten back on its feet after the war that almost wiped it out. like wwx is unquestionably morally right but has gone about it in such a way that it’s real fucking hard to support him without going down with him and how do you calculate that risk when you’re responsible for so many more lives than your own

also so sad about jc being so afraid this entire time that wwx would leave him like everyone else... and now he has :( jc doesn’t handle it well but then who would at this stage

- there is something so pure about a quietly horrified lan zhan getting Dad Advice from these guys (well he’s going to be needing it soon enough so)

oh the utter softness of his face looking at wwx and ah yuan ;_______; thank god, some fluff to bolster my heart before we set off into the last harrowing ordeal here

LAN ZHAN’S ENTIRE FACE LIGHTING UP AT WEI YING ASKING HIM OUT thank fuck there’s still some joy left in the universe

this poor love struck man, someone help him

lan zhan conscientiously grabbing ah yuan’s toys is fskhdfksjdlfhskjdhf

- lan zhan looking around the demon subduing cave: babe I love you more than life itself but this is tacky as hell

- crying because wen niiiiiing

- crying because sibliiiiiings

okay this is the last time the three of them will be together and nominally happy, need to appreciate it through my tears

- actually I take it back please just let the bad thing happen now so I don’t have to live in suspense anymore lol (...this probably says a lot more about me as a person than I’m strictly comfortable with)

- the fact that none of wwx’s little adopted wen family are AT ALL intimidated by him anymore is just... it’s too much to bear

again tho this book/show is so willing to let you dwell in the emotional stages of things in a very fanfic sort of way, I think it’s what makes the sad parts so much worse (and makes you feel so incredibly attached to these characters)

- I gUESS it’s a testament to jin zixuan’s character that he has any decency at all, considering who his dad is and where he was raised

I’m cracking up at their dad being the one who still doesn’t trust jgy tho lol snake recognizes snake

- jgy’s faint look of ‘are you fucking kIdDiNg me rn’ whenever all these jin douchebags talk is very entertaining. if he didn’t go on to do all that murder and incest and (probably) infanticide I’d sort of cheer for him no matter what kind of sociopath he is

- not to be a downer or anything but isn’t one month a little premature to be celebrating the survival of a baby in fantasy old timey china tho

sometimes I feel like looking back at history is just seeing a whole lot of dead children (and this is why I think that even if god did exist it would be morally inconceivable to worship him! sorry just a quick detour into my personal grudge against the inherent cruelty of the world there, let’s move on)

- it’s uncomfortable to watch even the outlines of the jin sect’s slow insidious stranglehold on power. even these random shopgoing nobodies know that nmj is Not Happy about these watchtowers and that it’s probably going to happen anyway. the jin are snakes but at least they’re clever about it and I do kind of respect that

- oh everything’s about to go so wrong I hate it

NOOOOO don’t make the zombie baby fight, nothing good will come of this

- man this is hitting me worse than lotus pier actually I’m just... crying haha

it’s almost cathartic tho... there’s something about wen quing’s dignity and certainty that really helps? I just really wish they hadn’t brought the whole little group, god I want them to be okay so badly and ah yuan will be all that’s left and. and just throw me into the ocean and let me sink tbh

- I know this is all so much black cgi smoke (pls let us see the red version again at some point btw that was cool as shit) but the emotional metaphor of wwx that you can’t take on more and more of other people’s suffering and trauma and not care for yourself because you will lose control of that at some point is just. very nicely done. (he’s a bit of an odd serial codependent for a lot of the story, isn’t he. thank god lan zhan is not a quitter)

- jin zixuan’s mom is breaking my heart a little here. this lady has been married to THAT GUY all this time and now this as well. sorry lady, I guess jgy probably Took Care Of You at some stage after this

- a) this is just real good acting for wwx. this is the perfect level of unhinged for this, even though I’m always like ‘just. just shut your mouth for one time in your life and stop digging this grave any deeper six feet should be enough for anyone huh’ at this stage of the story and b) I am cackling inappropriately at the shot-reverse-shots between wwx, jiang cheng and jgy. jiang cheng looks like everything he ever loved is falling apart around him and jgy is like ‘oh wow I didn’t even have to provide him any rope he’s doing an excellent job at hanging himself without me’

I love wwx so much but it did take him an unconscionable length of time to realize that when you set big enough things into motion you will not be able to control who it crushes along the way or who might steer it in the wrong direction. other people exist and have agency and a lot of those people are bad honey :(

- ah yes lwj being stopped by a barrier made of the physical manifestation of wwx’s trauma when he tries to reach him :’) this is okay and cool and fine

- it’s admirably obtuse of everyone to look at wwx at this stage and still think he’s in control of uh anything lol

- oh okay that went better than expected I don’t know if I’m just inured to sadness at this point

jiang cheng looking like a little boy clutching his big sister’s body is tugging at my heartstrings a bit tho

- ooooh this battle hardened intense lwj!!! I guess I can sort of see it now

- oh lan zhan 2, electric boogaloo

- finally! time for some comfort up in this hurt

- my man nmj still so fucking angry in the afterlife that anything even remotely connected to him is shaking with rage in sympathy in the real world. a mood

- fdsahfsjdklfhsdajk wwx being like ‘I can take everyone saying I was evil but how DARE you not mention I was also a snacc’

- when do you think nie huaisang really realized that his brother wouldn’t have children and that he was up for the sect leader seat next? nie mingjue seems to have known pretty far in advance himself and tried to prepare his brother accordingly, but that kid really didn’t want the job so I imagine he’d try to live in denial as long as possible

vaguely related: no other family is ever mentioned by either brother or anyone else, and nie huaisang straight out says that he is the only main disciple (I seem to remember and with the caveat that I might have misunderstood the translation) when there’s the talk of them being sent to the wen as hostages -- I suppose you sort of have to be very selective when your ancestral cultivation method is sketchy enough that you should keep that shit on the down low and you know people die young from it. so I think it’s possible if not probable that huaisang is the last of his family. isn’t that a fun little thing to think about? haha. ha. help me

- this random street vendor is an unexpected strong comedy performance, every face he makes is pure gold

- fkshafkjsdhfasd best introduction of adult nhs

- the quiet luminous love on lwj’s face whenever he looks at wwx in the present... give this man all the awards. it’s nice that wwx gets to be scared and childish and vulnerable with someone who loves him no matter what too, he’s been through some shit

- oh okay I see so the reason they chose to make fatal journey the way they did was because they already had the set built

- *nhs dropping one set of robes like that one gif from anastasia to reveal another even more luxuriously dandy-ish set under it* oh wow what a surprise to see you two down here, coincidences amirite (anyway here’s the testament to all the sins of my ancestors & a trail of breadcrumbs to lead you to the murderer of my brother)

no wait that’s slightly later isn’t it. well the point still stands

- dead!nmj is truly a mood -- “I don’t know where I am, who I am or what the fuck just happened but I do know that I am PISSED OFF”

(actually in the book I found that almost comforting -- at least the dude got to spend his afterlife doing what he loved (i.e. being angry), but this more nuanced and sympathetic version being trapped like that just. makes me very very sad)

nice of him to stick around to play a few rounds of hot or cold with his little bro’s friends tho lol. I mean from what I understand of this take on canon it’s actually the spirit of his sword and not him in person? but close enough, let me keep him as long as I can okay

- jin ling getting his dumb ass cask of amontillado’d within ten minutes of entering the tomb smh

look at your ROBES young man what is your (other) uncle going to say??

- hAH what did I say. pedagogic mastermind jiang cheng at it again

enjoying the fact that they chose the floofiest most benign-looking of dogs to play this ~*terrifying hound*~ so much

I have a lot of sympathy for jiang cheng, and the actor is doing a good job at aging him up here (not as good as lwj’s but then you can’t beat perfection). the way he’s calcified into bitterness and anger b/c he can’t express his emotions in a healthy nuanced way feels very... real I guess, people get like that sometimes

- I am somehow really endeared to this version of jin ling. a dumb baby, but a baby

- poor lan zhan lol “I LEFT YOU ON YOUR OWN FOR TWO HOURS AND YOU ALREADY MANAGED TO TAKE ON SOMEONE ELSE’S CURSE??? BABE!!!!!!!”

he consistently uses jiang cheng’s personal name too huh. well it is his brother in law I guess ETA: actually I’m an idiot ignore/forgive me, that’s jiang cheng’s courtesy name isn’t it. lan wangji is being salty/maybe-deliberately-maybe-not-(but-definitely-tho) distant/polite with him I think

- y’know... as I watch lwj carry the love of his life around on his back with all the tenderness in the world and I see people in the comments yell about why do you always need everything to be gay they’re just good friends you’re all crazy... I realize all over again that there really is no level of queerness they’ll ever find legitimate or acceptable. which like. feels bad, but there’s also the freedom in remembering they are always going to be assholes no matter what I do, there’s literally no need to listen to them at any time.

- I am CRACKING UP; watching this episode right after seeing fatal journey sure is a treat hahaha. nhs really must enjoy the acting on a deep level because he is hamming it up and I am living for it

“It’s nothing at all like unorthodox demonic cultivation methods!” he protests with his big innocent doe eyes, having yelled the exact same accusation at his brother within ten seconds of finding out about it dsfdskjha

- awww that’s such a sweet way of telling nhs who he is while both of them still get plausible deniability :’)

this show is making it a LOT easier to figure out nhs’ deal earlier just through visual storytelling and his reactions when lwj and wwx aren’t looking, but I guess you sort of have to do that without the benefits of selective POVs that you can do in written stories

- lan zhan’s little smirks are such a blessing

- can we talk about how INCREDIBLY rude lwj and wwx are being barging into other people’s ancestral tombs like they own the place. I know I said break some rules lan zhan but there’s such a thing as common decency too at least wipe your feet at the entrance or something

stop being big bullies!!! (nhs actually sounds a little salty at how debonair they are being lol he’s like yeah you’re doing what I want you to but you don’t have to be such dicks about it)

- nooooooo nmj don’t die ur so sexy ahaha (I jest so I do not cry godddddd my heart big brother come baaaaaaack)

I’m honestly finding it very hard to live with knowing that the last thing nmj saw in life was jgy having his little brother in his clutches D:D:D: looking at it like that... of course he came back mad as fuck, I’d probably do the same thing

- boys boys I love and support you but could you maybe not stand around talking about how this was totally a horrific murder like the murderee’s little brother isn’t standing right there?? i mean it’s useful for him but it’s kind of mean of you, I know neither of you were raised in a barn

okay there’s wwx irrepressible protective instinct that’s better. I just... nhs standing there looking small and sad and soft and lonely isn’t the whole truth but it is part of the whole truth, it’s nice to see wwx being like this even after all those years. (the physical closeness in their friendship in their youth in this version is so gooood. outside of wwx the only two people we see nhs consistently allow close or seek out closeness from is his brother and MENG YAO, who can frankly burn in hell even more than usual for the flute thing in fatal journey.)

- lan zhan contemplating the inherent impermanence of everything good in the world and then immediately getting blackout drunk -- MOOD. also I have never seen a scene where someone so obviously was about to press a soft kiss to someone’s forehead or cheek, don’t worry wwx I see you through the censorship lol

(it’s incredible how well they’ve adapted the love story considering the fact that they technically uh can’t)

- wen ning: shambles, zombie-like and disheveled with horror movie monster eyes, into frame

all of us: omg a BABY ToT

- live action drunk lan zhan is living up to the hype I am d y i n g

this poor repressed man

fjskdfsdkjhf he could do sword fighting in his damn sleep probably

I will say that leaving ‘wei wuxian was also here’ is going to scare the crap out of these poor people whose only crime was keeping well fed chickens

- they r so in love someone hold me

- this nmj!kid I am LOSING IT, this is so cute I want to lie face down on the floor and cry

- the yi city arc is my least favourite part of this story, so I’m fortifying myself to get through a couple of hours of sexy baby xue yang here

- Dad/troll teacher!wwx is in fact everything

- oooh wwx has the same weird crooked fingers as me when they’re extended! just some small Facts About Your Friendly Neighbourhood Blogger there

- this is not at all a bad take on ah quing! she qte

- ‘what’s your husband look like?’ song lan, crying: beautiful

- xxc you didn’t think it was a little weird the dude wouldn’t tell you his name -- even a name -- all this time. honestly

I know you’re in a bad place and this is sort of a rebound thing from your actual true love but stop letting him gaslight you like this buddy :(

- time for some MASSIVELY FORESHADOWING PARALLELS my friends

- I don’t know if I’m just a heartless monster but I honestly don’t care that much about anyone but ah quing in this little sideplot lol (probably my complete disinterest in xue yang tainting everything else)

- xue yang and jgy: the ‘sad backstory dude still inexplicably extra mass murder’ club

- godddd I’m so bored I’ve listened to this guy cackle ~*madly and evilly*~ for three episodes now when will it fucking end

- lan jingjy you are VALID

- fhsdkfhsdkj can’t get over baxia being like ‘OI you two stop gazing soulfully into each other’s eyes for five seconds and get on with avenging me’

must be annoying spending your afterlife in a pouch third wheeling the two most obnoxiously in love people in the world, I think this spirit sword is being admirably restrained and patient all things considered

- big brother I am so sorry you had to hang out under there all this time while this boring bullshit plot happened above you ;________________________;

I’m actually not clear on what the nie sect does with the bodies of the dead -- the saber tomb seems to be exclusively for the weapons/we see that some of the cultivators will go down there while they’re still alive to sacrifice themselves... maybe they go in the walls? I guess nhs is breaking tradition in a lot of ways tho so who knows!

- ‘from what I’ve seen he’s not so bad’ wei ying he smilingly asked you to use POWs for target practice I’ll allow lxc to be this dumb but you really have no excuse

- this duckling in red is a gentleman and a bro, one to watch

- wwx seductively arranging himself in the open window to cover his panic fsdkjfhsda

- lot’s wife WISHES she had the level of salt jiang cheng does

- ‘if they ask me any weird questions I don’t know the answers to I’ll have to pretend to be a total psycho’

lan zhan, dragging his husband with one deadpan face: I’m sure that is going to be a huge feat of acting for you babe

- NIE HUAISANG FALLING INTO FRAME AND LAUNCHING HIMSELF FROM ONE PERSON TO ANOTHER LIKE A GORMLESS WET RAG, I STAN ONE (1) BOY

‘but new problems appeared’ how is he such a mood

again tho you can give your unknowing accomplices so much space to investigate if you just don’t bother with self respect or dignity at any stage of the journey lol

- fjshdfkjlsahd that beat of lan zhan clearly taking a moment to contemplate the idea of wei ying confessing his love naked in public there

- uncle and nephew bonding time T________________T

- fsakfhsadkjlfhsad I can’t deal with this mission impossible ass music in the background as a little paper gingerbread man scoots around the palace

whoever animated this was clearly having a lot of fun, I love the little details like his dangling legs and him rubbing his lil paper bum after landing

- poor qin su, one of the most screwed over people in this whole show. at least in the book he didn’t mean to

- ah su, you’re being very unreasonable about this, what is a little incest between friends

- straight culture is this being chill to keep in the adaptation but god forbid anyone got a loving queer kiss at any point (not blaming the showrunners at all, they’re clearly stretching the limits as far as they will go and maybe a bit more at a few points)

- YES SISTER CALL HIM THE FUCK OUT I always felt like she’s known something was a little off for a long time but never could put her finger on what exactly

- ‘can you still not let me go’ hey jgy you piece of shit who��s keeping whose head in a weird serial killer cabinet here

- THANK YOU FOR BRINGING HIS HANDSOME ALIVE FACE BACK TO MY SCREEN IF ONLY TO MAKE ME SAD

- he’s so beautiful and righteous and strong 😭😭😭😭 dage come back to us

(makes even more sense that he’s so pissed off about what jgy did if he’s already shown clearly that he’ll shut down the people fucking with him if it’s brought to his attention. he gave you every opportunity you little oh-it’s-never-really-my-fault worm of a man)

- another nmj about to cry warning needed here help me

dON’T FUCKING TOUCH HIM YOU SLIMY FSKJLDHFKSJDHFSKDJLHF

the nie traits are undying loyalty, rage, and the intergenerational trauma of watching your parental figures succumb to death and madness through the same cultivation path you practice

- my cause of death: nmj’s eyes shining with unshed tears

this version has that edge of vulnerability to him, you suddenly do realize he was once just a kid watching his dad die a horrifying death and then having to take on all that responsibility and raising his brother

nie boys unfailingly devoted to the people under their protection I’m gonna go bury myself under a tree or something

- I’ve had to turn the volume down so I can barely hear anything b/c my emotions are too big to for my dumb body to contain already I can’t listen to this

- extremely sad but also a little funny that part of the reason nmj died was that he had no interest whatsoever in the arts. ‘music is music right?’ says local jock

- I’ve just been whimpering the last twenty minutes this is awful

- huaisang’s voice breaking on ‘big brother, it’s me’... sdlakhgsdjklfhsadjkghsdkjlfhdskljhgsdalkhgsdklgjhsdjklhgkdjslhgjskd I’m going to the bottom of the mariana trench and I’m staying there goodbye

- I can’t wait to watch nie huaisang end this putrid trash man’s whole career in the most devastating way possible tbh

- I’m just so SAD T______________________________T I hate jgy so much my heart burns with it I’m so glad he’s about to get some dramatic irony shoved up his -- but I digress

- haha poor jin ling standing there watching all this messed up shit like ‘O.O thanks i’m nine’

- I wish I was as good at passing the fuck out on command as nhs, I feel like it would solve a lot of my problems

- just some low key soulmate shit no biggie

- wwx is basically fantasy old timey naked again here the SCANDAL except no scandal they’re clearly married

- wwx is being so much more patient with lxc than I would have found it in my heart to be at this stage. he’s like ‘lxc you are my brother in law and I truly appreciate you and everything you’ve done for me but it’s sadly up to me to gently confront you with all the ways you’ve been a dumb ho just b/c you think jgy has pretty dimples 😔’

- “You’re not qualified to talk to me” oh lwj I love you so much. I thought committing murder was forbidden by the lan sect rules but there you go

- it honestly baffles me that some people think nmj would be the strictest parental figure in this universe when a) everything about huaisang suggests otherwise and b) lan qiren is right there

madam yu has that ‘super unforgiving to her son’s face but will also tear anyone criticizing him a new one’ mixed energy too

- lqr: I raised a perfect obedient righteous cultivator

me & wei ying: you’ve ruined a perfectly good boy is what you did look at him he’s too repressed to breathe

- well their dad clearly paid enough attention to worldly matters that two kids resulted from it, I’m not quite sure where we’re going with this lxc

one’s an accident two’s a pattern etc.

- wow I was so confused about ‘confidante’ being used here b/c it makes absolutely no sense in context, and the comments helpfully informed me that it’s more accurately translated to ‘soulmate’ or something like that; that does make a whole lot more sense yeah

- bb!lan zhan kneeling in the snow is more than anyone’s supposed to have to live with tbh

- lxc being like ‘so yeah my brother will keep loving people long after they’re gone and unable to give him love back! just a fun fact there, something to think about anyway here’s wonderwall’

- soft, ever-so-slightly messy haired at home lan zhan deserves the world

- oh wwx’s shift away from thinking the truth doesn’t matter at all to realizing the truth of you being held fully and with love by one person in your life is enough as lwj plays their song ;______________________________; this is almost more romantic than a kiss scene would be honestly jesus christ

- little apple is the best of us tbh

- apologies but they have 100% started to fuck off-screen at this stage, the looks wei ying is giving him dsafasdfhsjkd

- I take it back mianmian and little apple are the best of us

- imagine just finding the light bearing lord, second peerless jade of lan in his immaculate white clothes, peeking out from between your hay bales one day

- the exponential increase in lan zhan’s blessed little smiles lately: my oh-they-fawking thesis is validated yet again

- wei ying lying through his teeth: of course I remembered your face at once who do you take me for

(lan zhan: smirks in quiet satisfaction)

- walejhgskdjhgsjdaklfhsadjkflafhsjakdsf wen ning is so cute I don’t know what to do with myself

- wei ying this is where you first asked him out of course he remembers

- lan zhan is like ‘oh shit I forgot to tell him about our son and at this point I’m kind of embarrassed to bring it up’

- I am NOT thinking about the lotus pond they made for him here, you can’t make me

- ‘the worst time in their lives’ yeah, but there was such love there too. it h u r t s

- the actor for wen ning is so good at making his expressions look deeply earnest but also a little uncanny, like moving his face doesn’t come naturally to him anymore but his Good Boyness shines through

- DRAGGED in public by his own son. rip wwx he had a good run of it before his untimely murder

- wow thank goodness sect leader yao survived all this time, his death would as we all know have been a huge loss to society as a whole

- “I’m just here to round up the numbers” I love him more than I can convey to you in words

I’m a simple person, I hear nhs’ chronically befuddled voice and a burst of pure joy is released in my heart

sdfhjksadhfsad his soft little 😕 face peeking out from behind people’s shoulders fkjsdhfsdjal

- will I ever get enough of nhs masterfully manipulating a situation through his own apparent cowardliness and uselessness? no is the answer to that it’s always entrancing to watch

nhs as a teacher, nodding sagely as his disciples exchange glances: it’s never too late to go home instead of going big. saying ‘fuck this i’m outta here’ is always an option

- also nhs seemingly doesn’t use a saber at all anymore, where he at least used to have one back in fatal journey times. I’m very happy he’s trying some new things, time to break that very sad traumatic chain of dying young and furious

also him getting someone else to do the work of fixing the ward or whatever fskdfhaskdlf

teacher nhs, waving his pupils away b/c he’s busy painting or something: class dismissed. and remember, if at all possible, get someone else to do your homework for you. as long as you don’t get caught that’s an automatic A

- wwx is literally the cat surrounded by knives meme here lol

- lol lol lol wwx just removed his outer tunic thing to reveal lan zhan’s undershirt still under there and you can see lan qiren silently seethe with ‘that little hussy has seduced my nephew away from the righteous path’

(do I personally believe in slut shaming of any kind? nah it’s dumb as fuck. do I think lqr does? yeah)

- hahaha I can’t tell if nhs’ slightly glazed look here is b/c wwx did something he didn’t plan for him to do or if it’s because he’s for all intents and purposes half naked in front of them. (tbh I think there’s a case to be made in this version that he has a sort of wistful would-never-act-on-it-for-a-million-different-reasons-lan-zhan’s-furious-jealous-stare-being-foremost-of-them crush on both wwx and lwj from back when they were teens)

- WOW all these dicks inviting themselves to lotus pier!!! r u d e

- lan zhan flexing on lan qiren by raising a happy well adjusted child even while he’s mourning the love of his life: what like it’s hard

- wen ning kept that toy for sixteen goddamn years don’t touch me

- I’m crying about jin ling give me a moment. he is baby okay he’s even younger than ah yuan by at least four years

the image of him hugging the only thing he’s got left of his dad... fsdalkfhasdjlkfhsjdakhfsjdk

- lan sizhui has a crowd of good uncles/dads and poor jin ling has a crowd of utter disaster uncles and it’s very unfortunate (yes wwx is on both of those lists)

it is very sweet that it’s jiang cheng who consistently actually looks out for him, even in his feelings-wtf-are-feelings sort of way. the least disaster uncle, but only by comparison lol

- I think this ouyang kid might be duckling in red from before? LOVING the interspersed nhs reaction shots to him, anyway fsakdfh (I’m going to make it sad: how many conversations like this do you think he had with his brother as a kid? that’s fine we can both cry now I don’t want to be alone in this)

- ‘mr ning’ im Y___________________________________Y

- extremely Here for yet another full costume change from nhs hahaha (he’s changed at the boat already, god knows how he pulled that off but I’d expect no less from him)

- nhs must have been a sect leader for at least a decade at this point, and he still manages to exude such a powerful ‘kid at the adult’s table’ aura. incredible. mindblowing, inspirational

- ...oh they went with the same version of the previous jin leader’s death huh (but GOD FORBID that anyone should be openly gay amirite lol) O___O again though WHY is jin ling here, jiang cheng??????? he’s like sixteen, he’s never going to dare to even kiss anyone after this

- nhs has the look of a man who’s had to sit on this disgusting knowledge alone for years and finally gets to share that icky burden around, merry christmas everyone if I have to know about this so do you

- I don’t know if this is just me imagining things or reading more into it than what’s there, but I think nhs is actually sitting in the same pose his brother used to a lot in this part of the scene (the upright posture with palms resting at the top of the thighs/hips, fingers turned inwards/towards each other; it looks sort of... solid and self-contained, I guess)

- I would call jgy knowingly committing the incest character assassination if he’d had enough character to assassinate even in the book, I would never have put it past him

- y’know... god knows nmj had flaws (I think my immense depth of love for him in this version comes precisely from how hard he tries even while being deeply flawed. him dumb but him always trying :’) well actually he’s not dumb at all, he’s shown to be pretty darn politically savvy, I’m just having a hard time finding the right word here. ‘inflexible’ is maybe closer ), but the big defining difference between him and jin guangyao (and consequently xue yang) is that both of the latter are completely open about the fact that they see themselves as more important than anyone else -- xue yang considers one of his fingers worth more than fifty people’s lives, jgy kills twenty sex workers as a mere afterthought to his own revenge on his father. meanwhile nmj gets Messed Up by people dying under his protection to the degree that he came up with one of the dumbest plans I’ve ever heard just so he’d be the only one at risk, just so no one else would get hurt anymore. hmnghsjhfs.

- wen ning, proudly: my sister was the best doctor in the world

me, openly crying: she sure was buddy

- wwx: hey lan zhan are there any sweet patient lan ladies with an open mind around

lwj: ...why

wwx: I just think our zombie son should start thinking about getting friends, maybe even a real home

lwj, subtly relieved: oh

- JIN LING BABY BOY NOOOO D:D:D:

- nhs I need you to come in and end this man I cannot look at his awful face anymore

- ugh this garrotte sound effect is really unpleasant actually well done

- THERE HE IS!!! conveniently swooning his way into the scene again, my guy ;_______; smol and soft-looking and about to utterly obliterate a man on every conceivable level

I love every moment of the camera dwelling meaningfully on his innocent vulnerable face, this is going to be so great

it’s too bad he’s a behind the curtain sort of dude, I would kill for a poirot-style ‘I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here in the library’ moment here lol

- tbh jiang cheng’s got a point about that whole ‘making huge sweeping decisions about someone else’s life and never telling them about it’ thing

wwx has sort of structured himself as a person so that you’ll never be allowed to really reciprocate his dedication and sacrifices (unless you’re lz lol), and while that is a very sympathetic trauma reaction essentially it is sort of a dick move interpersonally.

- the weight and wisdom that comes along with the scars of older wwx... you love to see it

- nhs, with effortless grace, rousing from his disney princess slumber just as the real drama’s about to begin... your honor he is simply the best

- T__________________________________________________________T big brother

- the tinge of coldness in nhs’ eyes while he watches jgy through this whole scene even as he keeps up the ‘im baby don’t worry about me’ act.............. fashdfjlksdahfslkadj, not to say askfksjhafkjsldhfkjsalhfksjaldhfkls

- to say that jgy has perhaps ‘gone overboard with this’ might be the biggest understatement of any century lxc

- watching him kneel by his brother’s coffin here I’d like to propose that Nie Huaisang has exactly the same capacity for all-consuming rage as the rest of his family, except he can’t just vent it by hitting something real hard with a haunted murder saber so he has to get creative and that was real unfortunate for Jin Guangyao

- one thing that’s always tickled me is that nhs did give jgy the choice. the people around him -- the people he claims to love -- could have been left out of it, no dishonor being brought to either his name or any of theirs... if he’d been willing to sacrifice himself. (probably a gambit where he knew that was never going to happen, but still!)

- nhs standing there in the background like ‘yeah yeah we all have horrifying family legacies buddy, we just don’t knowingly marry our sisters or arrange for mass murders over it’

- arguably killing the previous jin leader could actually count as a good deed if not for the horrifying way he did it lol. jgy all over, he could have done something helpful, *john mulaney voice* and then he didn’t he just killed nineteen innocent women while he was on a roll instead

- while it’s sort of bullshit that some responsibility is taken away from wwx in jin zixuan’s death here it’s also making a bit more sense to me like this -- seems like an uncharacteristic gamble from jgy to just idk hope wwx would lose control at exactly the right/wrong moment. wwx is still at fault for how casually he treated wen ning as a weapon when he didn’t know what the consequences could be, I’m okay with this

- jin ling and the terrible horrible no good very bad week :( protect him

wow lan xicheng let’s stand around some more letting this awful excuse for a person tell this sixteen year old boy that his parents deserved to be murdered basically, I’m sure there’s a lot more fruitful discussion still left to be had here

- talk shit about nie mingjue’s brother get hit su she hell YEAHHHHHH

big brother still looking out for him I’m fsdklfhajsdlhf 😭😭😭

- I’M SO FULL OF FEELINGS ;________________________________; at least in this version the implication feels more like he’s finally at peace? (hilariously wwx managed to purge/cleanse the saber spirit, which is the entire conflict of fatal journey haha, nhs really did get his best friend to do his homework for him yet again, INSPIRATIONAL)

- HELL YEAH FINALLY GET REKT YOU PIECE OF SHIT! PRESS F TO PAY RESPECT EXCEPT JOKE’S ON YOU I’VE GOT NO RESPECT TO PAY

They did do away with any and all ambiguity around nhs here and I’m totally cool with it, that was awesome

- I’m playing the world’s tiniest little violin right now, wow much sad fuck you and your dumb hat

- may I just say that the fact that jgy uses his last moments on earth to make lxc, a person he proclaims to love, feel as bad as possible about his now inevitable death even though it clearly wasn’t really his fault... is just proof that he has never actually loved anyone at all except possibly himself

contrast with wwx, who tells jc that he’s sorry, dries his tears in the here and now and says to let the past go because there’s nothing either of them can do about it now and there’s no point in hurting themselves over it again and again anymore. jgy has the opportunity to give a similar kindness here and instead twists and twists the knife, so lxc will be in as much pain as possible when he’s gone. he’d rather be kept alive in lxc’s suffering than let him, someone he ‘loves’, ever heal and be happy. anyway I hope hell is real shitty for you jgy

- jgy you absolute piece of shit you couldn’t let my man have TEN FUCKING MINUTES to nap in peace? after sixteen years of your fuckery? urgh bye

- nhs looking at lxc sadly when lxc can’t see him... one last ‘I don’t know’ finally closing out his arc... I love all of this so much, there’s such a nuance of... he is genuinely a bit sad about causing lxc pain but he also doesn’t regret what he did At All. (I guess most of what he’s done must be pretty easy to rationalize/justify to himself, since the vast majority of his work went into finding the horrible shit jgy has done and showing them the way home to roost, rather than creating fresh suffering from scratch. and then there’s also the whole mo family but uh well eggs omelettes amirite lol)

- lan qiren telling people not to run or talk loudly b/c they’re at a temple, even under these circumstances fhakjsldfhkjsdafhkjsaldhf

- god the casting people for this show have a perfect track record of finding heartwrenchingly cute kids my GOD

- jfdsafhaskdjfh I love how they’ve done the moment with the hat -- the way the flashback sort of indicates that nhs does recognize on a deep level that the dude he just killed was someone’s son, was after all once an innocent child, like anyone... and again, it doesn’t make him regret it. he looks tired and sort of empty, but not like he’d take any of it back. he’s seen jgy for all that he was, good and bad, and made his decision. his reaction to seeing his hands ever so slightly stained with blood is mostly ‘...eh sure’ (and he knows none of this will ever bring his brother back and I am HURTING) . just. I love him so much what an interesting character

- lan zhan raised a child who can talk about his feelings, unprecedented & wondrous

who’s chopping onions in here

- never getting over ah yuan being the best person in the world at roasting his dad

- okay okay okay I’m going to have some incoherent feelings here -- the expression on nhs’ face right after wwx asks him if he intends to be chief cultivator is just... hm. how do I describe this. it looks almost like he’s thinking ‘oh yeah I forgot you don’t actually know me anymore (yeah okay that’s my bad)’? the previous scene is about lwj and wwx, The symbolic representation of true love in this world, naming each other/knowing each other for exactly who and what they are. that’s the thematic victory in this story; to be truly known, accepted and loved for the entirety of who you are, if only by one person in your whole life. (notably all sorts of love, parental, familial, platonic etc., not just romantic/sexual) and to get his victory, nhs has had to completely forsake that because his whole plan hinged on it; he hasn’t been emotionally honest with anyone for well over a decade at this point. no one really knows or understands him, and if someone ever did he’s long dead now and never coming back. and in this one moment both wwx and nhs seem to come to the quiet understanding that neither of them are who they used to be as kids and it’ll never be like it used to be again, and reach a sort of live-and-let-live truce about it. d u d e this goddamn story

(after all part of the reason jgy is so incredibly terrified of nmj is that he’s the first person to see straight through his bullshit to who he is behind it, and that it’s u g l y back there. jgy + nmj = being known without being accepted or loved (b/c honestly he doesn’t deserve to be loved or accepted yeah there we go I said it), jgy + lxc = being accepted and loved without being known, which turns into disaster all around.)

- man this was actually a really solid adaptation, it was excellently done! they did rush a bit towards the end there (it was never explained why jgy didn’t kill sissi along with all the other sex workers in this version, for example, leaving a rather substantial plot hole, and they never reveal why exactly lan zhan had to take over as sect leader which breaks off lxc’s arc at the end), but all in all that was wonderful and even added some stuff I liked better than in the book! now please god never let mtxt write a sequel, just let them be in this happily ever after, all of them have been through enough ;________;

- also the music was truly epic! I don’t even begrudge them using some parts more often and blatantly than what’s probably necessary, I want to wallow in this love theme as much as the next person lol

- what am I going to do with hours upon hours of my life now? I don’t know either, I suppose I will just have to find some way to hobble on

#the untamed #mo dao zu shi #wangxian #nie brothers #(b/c predictably that's what most of my feelings boil down to lol)#meta #I think I might have outdone myself with this; this is a new height of aimless unproductive nonsense even for me lol #I did this instead of working on the edit of the fic I've got nearly finished because... I don't know either guys I just don't know

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pug-bitch · 4 years

Text

That’s not why I’m staying (6)

The quicker pace of his heart

Book: The Royal Romance, Book 2

Pairing: Drake Walker x Amara Suarez (and....maybe another pairing? 😇 🤫)

Rating: some foul language, some extremely suggestive, and a VERY steamy scene. This is absolutely NOT appropriate for people under 18.

Word count: about 4,500

Notes: This picks up much where we left off, during the first evening at the cabin, as Leo arrives, starting with Leo’s POV.

*****

‘Come on in,’ Drake says enthusiastically, which Leo instantly reads as fake. Drake grabs the whiskey bottle from him and sets it down on the table. ‘Make yourself at home, Leo, we were just about to have some cocktails. You hungry?’

Leo shakes his head and then smells the delicious aroma of steak. ‘Um, maybe? What you got?’

Drake smiles, ‘Steak. I have a leftover one, the ladies shared a steak. Can I make you a plate?’

Leo smiles broadly. ‘Sure, thank you, that sounds great.’

He walks into the cabin and nods. He hasn’t seen it in years, not since they were in their early twenties and came here for the occasional guys’ night grilling and drinking beer. Tonight, the vibe is different. First, there are ladies present, which he’s definitely not complaining about, but also, Drake is different. But how, Leo can’t exactly put his finger on it.

‘Good to see you, Leo,’ Amara says as she greets him with a smile and a glass. ‘I’m making whiskey sours, want one?’

He nods and inches closer to her. ‘What did I do to deserve being greeted by such an enchanting woman, AND cocktails?’

Amara chuckles. ‘Don’t get too excited. It’s whiskey and sour mix.’

God, she’s snarky. But hot. He could get behind that, but something tells him she’s not interested. Perhaps even not available. Now it’s his mission to find out more.

The petite Asian woman takes a glass from Amara. He forgets her name. Anna? Ella? Oh well. She is hot as hell, in a shy kind of way, but according to Liam, she plays for the other team. Too bad.

‘Oh, Drake, can I use your bathroom really quickly? It was a long drive from the Capital, and I had a fucking truckload of coffee.’

Drake yells out from the kitchen. ‘Um, yeah, it’s upstairs. Straight ahead.’

Leo scans the room one more time before heading upstairs. Everyone is super silent, even Maxwell, who is usually chattier than a little girl. Clearly, his presence is unwanted.

Upstairs, he heads to the bathroom right away, looks around a bit. Some toiletry bags. These guys are staying overnight for sure. After pretending to flush, he peeks into the three rooms. He doesn’t have time for much more, but he sees that Drake’s is clearly bare, no luggage in sight. He frowns. He could have sworn there was something between him and Amara. That look on his face during the Decision Ball, those fucking tears… Maybe it was just concern for a friend, but Drake doesn’t make friends that quickly.

As he walks down the stairs, he thinks about how unfair it all is for his little brother. Stuck in a loveless engagement, with very little support, while all his so-called friends are partying together in a commoner family’s cabin. Liam plays strong, he tells him that Drake still supports him and talking to him helped, but Leo knows better. He left his little brother in what he thought were good hands, and now he comes back to a shitshow. That’s not right.

*****

‘What do you mean a bar fight?’ Leo asks incredulously.

Amara rolls her eyes. ‘Come on, Max, that’s a gross exaggeration. An asshole insulted Hana, Liv, and I, and Michael was very chivalrous and punched a guy for us.’

‘Michael, you mean...you?’ Leo points at Michael who bursts out laughing.

They had been chatting for a couple of hours, and everyone had relaxed a bit, which Amara was grateful for. She had taken care of the evidence upstairs, and she suspects that Leo isn’t bright enough to dig any deeper than the surface anyways. He showed his cards pretty clearly when he pretended to need the bathroom as soon as he arrived, and it had eased her mind a bit. Even though, of course, it means that he was here to dig dirt indeed. Is he sent by Liam? Probably not. Given the grief he had given Drake at the Ball, about his supposed debt to Liam, he was probably here in an ill-concealed attempt to protect his brother.

She gets that, of course. But his protectiveness would have a lot more impact if the current situation wasn’t directly caused by his actions. After all, he was the OG Madeleine fiancé, and his abdication resulted in Liam’s increased responsibility.

Still, she feels badly for Liam, and she still intends to help him break his engagement. If only they could find Tariq quickly enough…

‘So, Amara, I heard that you won’t talk to the press?’ Leo asks without a transition.

Amara frowns. ‘Well, I didn’t know that you were here to talk shop, Leo. I thought you were just here to eat Drake’s steak and drink my cocktails.’

Leo pauses and shoots her an annoyed look, before changing his demeanor completely and bursting into a very fake laughter. ‘We got ourselves a fiery one!’ He exclaims.

Ew, she thinks. This is indeed the seed of Constantine, all entitlement and condescension. ‘Well, I can answer your question,’ she responds. ‘I’ll talk to the press when we’re about to go on tour. I don’t feel like I owe anyone an explanation at the moment, and I’m taking a well-deserved break from all the shit that’s been thrown at me, and at my friends lately. Is that alright with you?’

She didn’t mean for it to come out so aggressively. She really didn’t. But she couldn’t help it. She makes a conscious effort to maintain eye contact with Leo, and to not lock eyes with any of her friends, not right now.

Leo takes a sip of his whiskey and a deep breath. ‘I get it. My brother told me that those pictures were staged, and for what it’s worth, I think a lot of people were suspicious of that. You’re a favorite in the Cordonian press, and a lot of people support you.’

Amara swallows hard. She didn’t expect him to go this route. ‘Oh. Thank you. I didn’t mean to be defensive, I—‘

Leo holds out a hand. ‘No no, I know. It’s natural to be defensive in this particular case. All I wanted to say is, you should talk to the press. They can surprise you.’ He takes another sip. ‘Hell, if they’re still kind to me after the shit I pulled, there’s no way they would reject a loveable knockout like yourself.’

Amara forces a smile. At least it’s semi-nice and just a little skeevy.

*****

Leo walks in the kitchen and hands Drake his plate. ‘Thanks bro, it was delicious. And thank you for the hospitality.’

Drake smiles as he takes the dirty plate. ‘Of course. I’m glad you came. It’s been fun.’

Leo nods. He wishes he could just ask him what he wants to know, and be done with it. He’s not stealthy, that’s not him. His mom used to call him her little bull in the china shop, always putting his foot in his mouth. He chooses to view it as a quality, but right here, right now, he’s not sure.

The worst part is, he genuinely likes Drake. They had such good times together when they were younger, and he was always a brother to Liam, moreso than Leo was himself. Maybe he’s just pissed that Drake has thrown in the towel a bit, forcing him to cut in again and face his responsibilities as an older brother. Maybe it’s just that.

Or maybe it pisses him off that the one woman his brother was interested in doesn’t seem interested at all, and now Liam is stuck with the same bitch Leo was stuck with in the first place. Maybe he’s pissed that, against all odds, the royals get the short end of the stick while the commoners have their fun in their country homes.

Or maybe he just wants to get to the bottom of this, dammit. He would never go to his brother to tell him that he’s suspicious about Drake and Amara, no. That would break his heart, and without proof, it would be useless.

But if he does see anything incriminating...maybe that would help Liam move on?

Oh well. Next time. They’re gonna be stuck on a train for a while, all together, kind of like an Agatha Christie novel.

‘I’m gonna head out,’ Leo says calmly. ‘But bro, I just wanna say, I’m worried about Li. He’s not well. I’d appreciate it if you joined my efforts to lift his spirits, on the tour.’

Drake nods. ‘Of course. Liam and I talked yesterday, and I agree with you, he’s not doing well. I’ll do what I can.’

Leo pats Drake’s shoulder. ‘Great. I also hope this one over there—‘ he gestures at Amara from afar— ‘changes her mind. Liam is pretty smitten, to the point that he wants to give her a fucking duchy. Would be nice if she got off her high horse.’

*****

Drake bites his lip. His instincts yell at him to go to bat for his Amara, but he knows he would fuck them both over if he revealed too much. So, he bites his lip a little harder, and he nods. ‘Well, can’t force her to like him, Leo.’

Leo shrugs. ‘I know, I know. No one is saying that. But if she spent a bit more time with him, maybe she’d change her mind, it’s all I’m saying.’

Drake plasters on a fake smile, which he’s never really done before, and he’s sure his face looks like a deflated balloon. ‘It’s their business, yeah,’ he says awkwardly.

Shit, he thinks, hopefully he didn’t fuck it all up with one awkward moment. Amara has been doing so well all evening, even when she got a little defensive, she pulled it off. Hana, Max, and Michael have been champs ever since they had all gathered around cocktails, but he was definitely the weakest link. Leo knows him well, and he’s pretty sure he picked up on the tension.

Leo walks back into the living room and holds out his arms to Maxwell. ‘I’m gonna get going, I have an early breakfast with my Father. See you on tour, Maxxie?’

He hugs everyone, even Michael whom he barely talked to, and when Amara’s turn comes, Drake has to squeeze his fist really tight to relieve some of the tension and annoyance it brings to him.

‘Alright brother,’ Leo says to Drake as he pulls him in for a bear hug. ‘Thanks for everything and see you soon.’

They all continue to fake it for a little longer, until Leo’s headlights are seen driving away. Then, a collective sigh resounds.

‘Holy fucking shitballs,’ Michael exhales.

‘I second that sentiment,’ Hana adds.

Amara starts giggling uncontrollably. ‘Guys, that was awful. What the hell is our life now? We’re dodging very bad spies from the Royal family?’ She continues to chuckle.

Michael joins in on the laughter. ‘When I tell my coworkers, they won’t believe me, that’s for sure.’

Amara closes the distance between herself and Drake, and wraps him in a warm hug. ‘You all did great, guys. Plus, the man’s no genius. No way he found anything incriminating.’

Drake plants a kiss on the top of Amara’s head. ‘He’s definitely suspicious, though.’

Amara shrugs. ‘Who cares? He’s a narcissistic royal dropout. Who’s gonna believe him?’ She sighs. ‘I’m glad I hid my stuff in Michael’s room, though. He was definitely snooping when he went to the bathroom.’

Hana gasps. ‘I knew it! He didn’t even pee.’

Maxwell grimaces. ‘How do you know? Do you have a superpower to see how full someone’s bladder is?’

Hana giggles. ‘No, ew, I just noticed everything was silent until he flushed. No peeing sound.’

Amara makes an approving face. ‘Look at you, Detective Lee, gathering clues. You make me proud.’

*****

‘Ugh,’ Amara sighs as she schleps her luggage back to Drake’s room. ‘Being sneaky is so exhausting.’

Drake smiles. ‘You could have let me carry all this, y’know.’

She shrugs. ‘I could have.’ She plops down on the bed. ‘I’m glad we played Monopoly after he left. It lightened the mood.’

‘Yeah, if you exclude Maxwell getting super upset because he kept paying Hana rent. The man has no idea what rent is.’

Amara laughs wholeheartedly. ‘I know. And Michael couldn’t stop saying ‘That’s how it WORKS, Maxwell!’, in his scary lawyer voice.’ She snuggles in Drake’s arms. ‘It was so nice. Can we also do nothing productive tomorrow?’

Drake nods. ‘You got it. Maybe we can go to the farmers’ market? No goats this time, though.’

‘Deal. Ugh,’ she repeats. ‘This reminded me how much I love being out in the open with you, and how much I love being here in the cabin. Sneaking around is stressful.’

Drake raises an eyebrow. ‘It is, but… it’s a little bit exciting, too, right?’

Amara bites her lip. She loves seeing that spark in Drake’s eyes. The same spark that has been there ever since their first escapade to the cop bar, all those weeks and weeks ago. The same spark that has come back every time they locked eyes in a crowd, knowing perfectly well that they would meet in the palace bathroom a few minutes later.

‘It is VERY exciting,’ she responds, running her hand down his unbuttoned shirt.

He strokes her hair, and down to her shoulder, not breaking eye contact. ‘Imagine being confined to a train car. We have to behave in front of people, right?’

She feels a tingle in her core. ‘Right,’ she agrees.

‘But in private,’ he continues, ‘as soon as I can get you alone, wherever that is—‘

‘Where would it be?’ She interrupts.

He grins. ‘Anywhere I can, we can’t be too picky about our stolen moments. It could be between two cars. In your cabin if you’re alone. In a deserted restaurant car.’

She gently nibs at his neck. ‘What would you do to me in the deserted restaurant car?’

‘I would kiss you as deep as I can,’ he says before capturing her lips in a passionate kiss, illustrating his point.

She moans. ‘And?’ She asks

‘I would push you against the wall, and unbutton your jeans,’ he says as he actually does so. ‘Then…’ he trails off, unzips her pants, and lets his hand wander inside her panties, drawing a muffled moan from Amara’s lips. ‘Yeah, just like that,’ he whispers, ‘I’d pin you against a wall and I’d do the thing you like, just like this,’ he adds as he draws circles around her clit with his index finger, all the while letting his middle finger find her entrance.

‘Fuck,’ she whispers. ‘Mmm, Drake…’

Her lips crash against his, and her tongue finds his, as she bucks her hips against his hand. ‘I’d tell you I love you,’ he adds between kisses, ‘and that I want you so fucking bad…’

‘Mmm,’ she moans, entranced. ‘I’d tell you I love you too, and I would also unzip you,’ she says as she finds his zipper and pulls it down. She feels her stomach flutter as she frees Drake’s hard cock. ‘If we’re really alone, maybe I would even…’ she interrupts herself and lowers her head towards his crotch.

Drake moans. ‘Baby…’ he whispers.

Amara teases the tip of his cock with her tongue, until he can’t take it any longer and she takes it in her mouth.

‘Fuck,’ he groans. ‘This is so fucking good…’

She takes care of him intently, her head bobbing up and down, faster and faster, until he gently cups her face.

‘I want you so fucking bad,’ he says in a low, raspy voice.

She feels her core tighten. She needs him inside her, right now. She’s never wanted someone so badly, all the time. If he wanted to fuck her all day, every day, she’d be all in.

Amara sits up and takes off her shirt and bra. Drake groans some more, taking off his clothes in a hurry. He pulls down her jeans and underwear completely, as if every second counted. ‘Fuck, get naked for me,’ he groans. He pulls her on top of him, his hands everywhere, as if he had more than two. He cups her breasts, caresses her back, her stomach, her ass, everything. He pulls her close, and kisses her like there’s no tomorrow. She places herself so his cock is right at her entrance, and she gently lowers herself onto it, taking every inch slowly.

‘Mmmmm, Amara,’ he whispers, bucking his hips slowly. She rides him with long, slow thrusts, each one drawing a moan from the both of them. She feels her orgasm getting closer, she needs to take her time. He knows her, he knows she likes it deep and slow, deeper and deeper, and he lets her control her rhythm. Soon, her breath is uneven, she can’t wait much longer.

‘I love you,’ he whispers between kisses, ‘I fucking love you, Amara. Please come for me.’

She feels her walls contract around Drake’s hard cock, she feels it coming. She loses herself in the moment.

*****

‘NO!’

Maxwell wakes up on the floor, stunned. What the fuck just happened, he thinks. He sits up and rubs his eyes. He peeks over to the bed, where Hana is sprawled out, pushing off the comforter and seemingly reenacting a strange battle.

‘No! Not the bees again,’ she whispers as she fights an invisible army of bees.

Maxwell slaps his hand on his own mouth, trying to muffle the sound of his laugh. Oh boy, he thinks. That’s an oddly specific nightmare.

No way he’s gonna go back to sleep right now, with Hana all across the queen bed. He shrugs and gets up. He glances at the alarm clock. 4 AM. He can probably catch some sleep on the couch.

He’s careful not to wake anyone up, and goes down each step very slowly. Once downstairs, he notices the kitchen light is on. ‘Hello?’ He whispers.

He comes in to find Michael at the kitchen table, tea in hand. ‘Hi, Max,’ he yawns.

Max’s heart skips a beat. Why does he have to feel this way every time he stumbles upon that man? He shakes it off and smiles. ‘Hey, Michael, what are you doing up?’

‘I couldn’t sleep, I guess,’ he shrugs. ‘You?’

Max shrugs too. ‘Hana had a massive, weird nightmare, and literally pushed me off the bed.’

Michael’s eyes widen. ‘Wow. Intense. Is she ok?’

‘Well, she better not be allergic to bees in her dream.’

Michael laughs. ‘Wow, scary stuff. Want some tea? I found some herbal stuff in the pantry, it’s old but it’s still ok.’

Max nods. ‘Sure. It must have been Bianca’s, so it’s probably ten years old, but I’m willing to risk it!’

Michael serves another cup for Max and hands it to him. ‘Here, it’s very hot.’

They sit side by side on the living room couch. Michael sits cross legged, and Maxwell can’t help but notice how nice his legs look in his pajama pants, simple light gray joggers. He shakes it off again. Stop it, you perv, he thinks.

Michael smiles as he sips on his tea. ‘This tea is actually pretty gross, you’re right.’

Max chuckles. ‘Told ya.’ He gets up and grabs the bottle Leo brought. ‘Here. Drake won’t care if we open this.’ He pours two shots and puts a couple of ice cubes in each. ‘Here,’ he says. ‘To stealing your friend’s booze.’

Michael laughs. ‘Ha!’ He takes a big sip, sighs, and adds sheepishly, ‘To be honest, I feel like Drake owes me this much.’

Maxwell raises an eyebrow.

Michael continues, ‘I’m pretty sure I heard his bed squeak very loudly earlier, along with a few...unmistakable sounds. I’m scarred for life.’

Maxwell bursts out laughing. ‘Welcome to my life, Michael!’ He raises his glass again. ‘To whiskey helping with your trauma!’

Michael chuckles. ‘Not just the whiskey, Maxwell. You’re helping, too.’

‘Aw shucks,’ Max waves him off, blushing. ‘Solidarity for the insomniacs of the house.’

Michael looks down at his glass. ‘It’s more than that. You’ve been quite the rock for me. I feel like I’ve thanked you many times, but none of those times have seemed...enough. I’m forever grateful.’

Maxwell looks away, unable to hide his blushing face any longer. ‘Michael, you don’t have to be. It’s been my pleasure, truly. I wish you weren’t leaving so soon.’ There it is, it came out. ‘I mean, I know you need to go home to Callie, of course, but I just meant, um… I wouldn’t mind hanging out with you more.’ Oh God, he thinks. This isn’t going well, he can’t stop talking.

Michael remains silent for a little while. Surprisingly, it’s comfortable. In another situation, Maxwell would try to fix his earlier babbling by babbling a lot more, but...not now. Now he just settles into the silence.

Michael downs the rest of his whiskey, and gulps it down with a deep sigh. As soon as the liquid is down his throat, he swiftly reaches out to Maxwell’s hand, which was casually resting on the couch cushion. He squeezes it, still silent.

Maxwell can’t speak. All he can do it squeeze it back, as tenderly as he can. After a minute, Michael takes his hand away and uses it to pour himself another shot of whiskey, which he downs instantly. When Max finally gathers the courage to turn towards him, he realizes Michael’s eyes are filled with tears. He wants to reach out as well, but he’s afraid of overstepping.

‘Seriously,’ Michael says, finally breaking the silence. ‘You’ve helped me more than I can explain.’ He lets out a sad chuckle. ‘Maybe it’s for the best that I’m leaving on Thursday. I have a lot to process.’

Maxwell exhales, and realizes he’d been holding his breath ever since their hands had touched. His heart is racing. ‘To...process?’ He asks hesitantly.

Michael nods and puts his head in his hands. He turns to Maxwell and looks him right in the eye. Max’s stomach flutters. ‘I wish I could stay, but I wouldn’t want to go too fast. I finally feel like I have a chance at healing.’

Maxwell finds the courage to nod. ‘You do?’ He risks.

Michael smiles, and a tear falls down his cheek. ‘I really do. And it’s fucking crazy, because it’s been a week, but hey,’ he shrugs, ‘stranger things have happened. Like, oh, you know, my sister being in a competition for a fucking prince’s hand.’

Maxwell laughs. Thank God for Michael’s humor. ‘I guess,’ he chuckles.

Michael continues. ‘I’m sorry, I’m putting a lot on you. I don’t mean to, but I can’t help it, believe me, I’ve tried.’

Maxwell wants to reach out for his hand so badly, but he refrains and settles for a light pat on the shoulder, which feels wrong, and too distant, but it’ll have to do. ‘You’re not putting too much on me.’

Michael lets out what wants to be a chuckle, but it sounds like a muffled sob. ‘Yeah? Because I swear I feel like this—‘ he gestures between the two of them— ‘isn’t all in my head, but sometimes I think, hey, maybe it’s all in my head.’

Maxwell snorts. ‘Believe me. It’s not all in your head. It’s there.’

Michael wipes off the tear that fell off two minutes ago. ‘Good. I mean, I’m glad. God, this isn’t smooth, come on Michael…’ he laughs to himself.

‘Michael, you’re speaking to the man who once stabbed his brother in the arm while opening a bottle of champagne with a sword. I am the king of not smooth.’

‘Really? You stabbed Bertrand?’ He asks anxiously.

‘Eh, it was a little cut,’ Maxwell waves him off. ‘But still. I am not smooth, and not everything needs to be perfect. I like this. I like that we tried to have tea, and it sucked, and then we made it good by dumping it out and replacing it with whiskey. I like improvising. I’m in no rush, I impose no pressure. I’m just here.’

Maxwell lets out a long sigh. He’s gotta stop holding his breath so much.

Michael smiles. ‘Well, for someone who doesn’t like perfect, you sure deliver a pretty perfect pep talk soliloquy.’

Max’s throat is in knots. Thank God for the dark-ish room, because he couldn’t handle seeing all of Michael’s face, with everything it represents. Everything it could be.

Michael takes a deep breath and gets up to rinse his whiskey glass. He walks back over to Maxwell and, without hesitation, plants a tender kiss on his cheek. Max has to fight the urge to capture his lips in his, to hold him tight, because no, not now, not yet, not while he’s processing.

Michael’s eyes meet his, and he whispers ‘Good night, Max,’ before disappearing up the stairs.

*****

Michael closes the bedroom door behind him, his hands shaking. He can’t believe that he did that, said that, confessed everything. He can’t believed there was this much to confess in just a week, but here we are.

Still shaking, he unplugs his phone from the charger and opens the photos. Scrolling back, his eyes meet smiley pictures of his late husband, including some of their wedding day, all toothy grins and happiness. Michael plops down on the bed, weak at the knees. Before he can stop it, he lets out a long sob, and tears flood his cheeks.

Two years.

Two years since he’s seen the love of his life, the father of his daughter, the man he said ‘I do’ to, in the flesh. Two years since they kissed, held hands, made love.

Two years since he’s been loved. Taken care of. Looked at with tenderness.

Are two years enough?

They were enough to make him feel like all hope was lost. They were enough to make him feel comfortable in the blanket of loneliness that wrapped him. They were enough to make him feel like a long-time widower, a person who would remain in that situation forever, and that’s that.

But were they enough to move on?

Probably not. Those two years did nothing in that direction. But the past week did. The warm, caring man he’d met did. The quicker pace of his heart when he was around did. The rush he felt when he kissed his cheek tonight did.

The feelings growing in his heart did.

*****

Taglist:

@drakeandcamilleofvaltoria @andy-loves-corgis , @jovialyouthmusic , @mariahschoices , @drakesensworld , @thequeenofcronuts , @notoriouscs , @drakewalkerisreal , @nikkis1983 , @simsvetements , @alesana45 @iplaydrake @emceesynonymroll @lily1999love , @silviasutton1989 @dcbbw @texaskitten30 @furiousherringoperatortoad @hollygirl1269 @sirbeepsalot @ladyangel70 @thisperfectmemory @drxkewalker @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @mrsmairstanley @addictedtodrakefanfic @msjpuddleduck @kimmiedoo5 @furryperfectionlover @princessleac1

Thank you for your encouragements, everyone! Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist :)

#that’s not why i’m staying #drake walker x amara suarez #dramara #drake walker x mc #that's not why i'm going #drake walker #trr drake #drake x mc #drake walker trr #drake x amara #the royal romance fanfic #maxwell beaumont #maxwell x michael

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pendingproductivity · 3 years

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2020 READING RECAP!

This year sucked ass in so many ways, but it might be the best year of reading I’ve ever had. I discovered so many new favorites, revisited some old favorites, and even read a few books multiple times. In this post, I’ve listed my top five favorite books from this year in the order that I read them because I don’t think I could possibly rank them against each other. They have all become some of my favorite books of all time. I’ve also included a few honorable mentions which are ranked with my favorite listed first. And lastly, I have two notable rereads of some old favorites. I also added links to each book on goodreads and bookshop so you can easily add anything to your tbr or buy it! This is going to be a long one, so buckle up. Without further ado, here is an overview of the books I read in 2020!

s t a t s :

reading goal: 30

total books read: 31

new (to me) books read: 22

average rating: 4.2/5 stars

t o p f i v e f a v o r i t e s :

Beartown and Us Against You by Fredrik Backman

(Yes, I know I’m kind of cheating by counting this as one book but just roll with me here) Beartown takes place in a tiny community in rural Sweden which is defined by their hockey club. When the junior hockey team has a chance at winning the national championships, the entire town throws their full support behind them. The burden of the pride of their community rests on the shoulders of a handful of teenage boys. For one, the pressure boils over and he commits an act of violence that leaves a young girl traumatized, and the entire community divided.

Late one evening toward the end of March, a teenager picked up a double-barreled shotgun, walked into the forest, put the gun to someone else's forehead, and pulled the trigger.

This is the story of how we got there.

These two books were downright spectacular. Over the course of this year, I’ve completely fallen in love with Backman’s writing style (we love a good onomatopoeia) but more than anything else I just adore his characters. Each one is multidimensional, and even the most infuriating residents of Beartown have their redeeming qualities. I also love the attention he gives to even the side characters whose motivations shape the story even if they only appear for a few scenes. These are stories about right and wrong, courage and fear, and most of all, humanity itself. I laughed and cried and felt more emotions than I thought was possible. Beartown was amazing, but I actually thought that the sequel, Us Against You, somehow surpassed it, so make sure to read both!! (TW: rape/sexual assault)

goodreads - bookshop (Beartown) goodreads - bookshop (UAY)

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

Paul Kalanithi was thirty-six years old and on the verge of completing a decade’s worth of training to become a neurosurgeon when he was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. His memoir, When Breath Becomes Air, follows his journey from being a naïve medical student, to a brilliant neurosurgeon at Stanford, to being a cancer patient and a new father confronting his own mortality.

I began to realize that coming in such close contact with my own mortality had changed both nothing and everything. Before my cancer was diagnosed, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. After the diagnosis, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. But now I knew it acutely. The problem wasn’t really a scientific one. The fact of death is unsettling. Yet there is no other way to live.

This memoir caught me completely by surprise. It was assigned reading for an English class and I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it let alone completely reevaluate my perception of the world around me because of it. Kalanithi discusses learning, medicine, life, and death as he seeks to answer the age-old question, “What makes life worth living?” and the unique perspectives that he offered fascinated me. When Breath Becomes Air is an unfinished manuscript, since Kalanithi died in 2015, but the epilogue written by his wife might just be the best part of the whole book. To tell you that I was sobbing while reading it would be an understatement. The reason why this book made this list is because I finished it in March, but I still think about it relatively often. When Breath Becomes Air has left a lasting impact on my life, and I highly recommend it!

goodreads - bookshop

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

Evelyn Hugo was a Hollywood legend, but after her sudden departure from show business in the late 80s, she completely fell out of the public gaze. Now she is finally ready to tell the true story about her scandalous and glamorous life and she has specifically chosen Monique Grant, a virtually unknown magazine reporter, for the job. For Monique this exclusive is the opportunity of a lifetime. Evelyn tells her story of ambition, friendship, love, and of course each of her seven husbands. However, it becomes evident that Evelyn’s life has intersected with Monique’s own in tragic and irreversible ways.

It’s always been fascinating to me how things can be simultaneously true and false, how people can be good and bad all in one, how someone can love you in a way that is beautifully selfless while serving themselves ruthlessly.

This. Book. It was absolutely captivating. I’m honestly not even sure what to say here without giving too much away. The plot is truly a wild ride as Evelyn leads Monique through the story of her life. There are so many twists and turns: some that I saw coming and others that completely blindsided me. And that not even to mention Evelyn Hugo herself who is one of the strongest, smartest, most compassionate and deeply flawed characters I’ve ever read about. All the characters were complex and layered, but she was really something else. There were so so many emotions and so many tears and I really don’t know what else to say. I’m begging you to read this book; it will blow your mind.

goodreads - bookshop

A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman

Ove is a curmudgeon whose life is turned upside down when a young, vivacious family moves in next door. That’s it. That’s the synopsis.

Death is a strange thing. People live their whole lives as if it does not exist, and yet it's often one of the great motivations for living. Some of us, in time, become so conscious of it that we live harder, more obstinately, with more fury. Some need its constant presence to even be aware of its antithesis. Others become so preoccupied with it that they go into the waiting room long before it has announced its arrival. We fear it, yet most of us fear more than anything that it may take someone other than ourselves. For the greatest fear of death is always that it will pass us by. And leave us there alone.

You’ve seen the Pixar movie: grumpy old man meets young person who shows him life is worth living and they become buds etc. etc. Sure, you could essentially boil down A Man Called Ove to that simple plotline but it is so much more than that. It’s heartbreaking and hopeful and you’ll laugh and cry while reading it. This was the most wholesome story I had read in a long time, and I thoroughly enjoyed every last bit of it. I’ve already explained my love of Backman’s unique writing style, but this novel in particular does a beautiful job of tackling deep themes such as grief and purpose with a generous serving of humor. I also just adored the ending. While this book isn’t at all fluffy or entirely lighthearted, it gave me all of he warm fuzzy feelings I was craving. I cannot possibly recommend it enough!

goodreads - bookshop

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Elizabeth Bennet and her four sisters must find wealthy husbands because upon their father’s death, the entirety of his estate will be passed on to a male cousin, leaving them penniless. Conveniently, a wealthy gentleman called Mr. Bingley moves into the neighborhood, bringing along his even wealthier although most unpleasant friend, Mr. Darcy.

Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.

I definitely didn’t think that I was going to enjoy this book nearly as much as I did. The story truly is timeless, and I absolutely adored Elizabeth and Darcy. The biggest surprise I had while reading is that the humor is still funny today and of course Lizzy is fucking hilarious. She is confident, principled, and more than happy to roast the shit out of anyone who deserves it. And then there’s the matter of Mr. Darcy being so sweet and kind (after he stops being an asshole of course) and greatly contributing to the unattainable standards I have for men. It was also nice to have a socially awkward male lead, and in many ways I related more to him than to Lizzy. This book is everything I want from a romance novel plus class criticism and feminism and Elizabeth being an absolute badass. Enemies to lovers is my all time favorite romance trope and I loved reading one of the OGs. Also, I’d just like to add that Mary is the most underappreciated character of the whole novel because she’s really just trying her best. Mostly I was just completely impressed with how this novel has withstood the test of time and it has become one of my favorite classics! Please please give this book a chance even if you don’t typically enjoy classic novels!!

goodreads - bookshop - barnes&noble (this is the edition I have and it’s just so gorgeous I had to include it!)

h o n o r a b l e m e n t i o n s :

The Martian by Andy Weir

Mark Watney is one of the first people to ever walk on Mars, and now it seems like he’ll be the fist person to die there. A raging dust storm forced his crew to evacuate without him and he finds himself alone on the red planet with the entire world believing him to be dead. This book just barely missed being one of my top five of the year, but it was absolutely amazing. I love reading about people finding clever solutions to problems and that is basically what this entire story is. I maybe understood half of the technical science jargon if I’m being generous, but the story is plenty enjoyable even without extensive scientific knowledge. I adore Mark’s wit and mindset, and I loved watching him wriggle his way out of impossible situations with the odds completely stacked against him. The Martian is a story of perseverance and humanity, but it’s also absolutely hilarious. I highly recommend this one if you haven’t picked it up!!

goodreads - bookshop

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

Shaker-Heights appears to be the perfect place to raise a family. It’s progressive, has low crime rates and is all around an idyllic bubble. This all begins to change when a single mother and her daughter move into town with a disregard for the status quo, and a custody battle erupts, dividing the community. This was a great book that ended up being surprisingly thought provoking, and I particularly enjoyed the novel’s criticism of liberal idealism. The story itself was entertaining and I think it’s definitely worth a read!

goodreads - bookshop

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston

Alex Claremont-Diaz is the first son of the United States who finds himself intertwined in a damage control PR stunt with his sworn nemesis, Prince Henry. They have to pretend to be best friends to ensure that their confrontation at the royal wedding doesn’t get in the way of American/British relations. I’m sure you can guess where this is going. This is totally a feel-good love story, but it also finds the time to tackle real issues surrounding politics and societal expectations. I loved this book so much that I read it twice this year (the second time because I was so stressed about the election and I needed to distract myself with the fictional 2020 election that takes place in the novel) and also I’m just a sucker for enemies to lovers. (sidenote: the turkey catastrophe is one of the greatest scenes in literary history and you cannot convince me otherwise) 100% would recommend!

goodreads - bookshop

n o t a b l e r e r e a d s :

The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling

The Jim Dale audiobooks are my ultimate self-care tool when I’m stressed or sad; I just find them to be so comforting and I can’t explain why. Because of this I probably listen to at least one of the books every year, but it’s usually just whichever one I happen to be in the mood for. But it’s been so long since I’ve listened through the entire series, and this year seemed to be the perfect time to do so!

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

This used to be my favorite book of all time. I’m pretty sure I first read it in sixth or seventh grade and I’ve reread it so many times since. I’ve been planning on rereading this book my first year of university for such a long time, and the time finally came! The book especially hit hard this semester because Cath feels disconnected from everyone at school because she doesn’t want to go to parties or make much of an effort to find friends, and because of COVID, I ended up in almost the exact same situation, (except unfortunately my roommate doesn’t have a cute ex-boyfriend who hangs out in our room). This was definitely another comfort read like the HP audiobooks and it made me feel a bit better about being stuck in my dorm room.

If you actually made it to the end of all that, wow, you’re a real one. I hope you got a few new book recs out of this! If you want to see the thirteen other books I read this year, you can check out my 2020 reading challenge. I read so many amazing books this year I had hard time narrowing down my favorites, so there are still plenty more great reads that aren’t included in this post. If for some reason you feel like keeping up with the books I read in 2021, follow my goodreads account for dramatic and ranty book reviews. Happy New Year, and here’s to 2021 being full of wonderful books!

#booklr #reading #reading recap #reading wrap up #mine

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mons1erprom · 5 years

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ok so i recently got the ending where miranda dies and it made me wonder how the main 6 would react to losing their s/o? like what would they do? how long it would take them to get over it if they ever do, cuz lets just go with their s/o was the love of their life and they're never gonna find someone like them again and they know it. if you can't do/don't want to do all 6, then how about just the boys for now and I can request the girls for this later. Thanks! :)

-Temp(Frosty)

Buckle up, folks. It’s about to get melancholy up in here.

Miranda -

Not a single day would go by when she doesn’t think of them. She goes all out on the funeral, and even demands a statue to be built in their honor. She spends plenty of time mourning the loss (and demands her serfs do the same), and tries her best to move on. But seeing things that remind her of her S/O brings back memories. Often she’ll be seen staring off into space with a crestfallen look, and when asked what’s wrong, she’ll say it was nothing.

She’s a terrible liar.

Scott -

Seeing Scott after their S/O passed is just genuinely painful. His optimism and joy just stop for the next couple of weeks.

His friends try to cheer him up with meat or sports… but nothing works. He’ll go back to the places they used to spend together… almost like he’s waiting for them to come back. Always asking, to nobody in particular, “why”?

He’ll be okay with time. But for the time being, things are just not as bright as they used to be.

Liam -

Liam is immortal. But he is no stranger to death, ironically enough. He’s outlived lots of friends, lots of loved ones. And every single time, the pain never dulls. He’s quiet, reserved, more so than usual the following days. The dry tone in his voice tells that this was not his first loss… and possibly, not his last.

He’s done his best to lock up his feelings… get over them as soon as he can… but he’ll never be over it.

Polly -

After hearing ‘the news’, Polly disappears for a few days. Nobody can tell where she’s gone, but it’s best to just let her be…

Come the funeral, she’s the first to arrive, and the last to leave… even hours after the reception.

She drinks more, but the liquor doesn’t help. There’s nothing that she can snort, smoke, or swallow to help her sleep like she used to. Even after her S/O has been laid to rest, she keep looking around. Looking around for any sign that maybe… just maybe… that they’re still here. Just like her…

Vera -

Vera speaks to no one at the funeral. Not even her sister. She keeps her eyes hidden behind her snakes, so no one can see her tears. Vera becomes bitter… much more spiteful. She’s worked for everything she has… earned it all. And the only thing in the world she valued more than anything was taken from her…

Still… she is broken up. Vera does her best to save face… only to break down in private. There’s only a handful of people who have caught her at her weakest…

Damien -

The fire inside Damien starts smoldering like hot coals. It might not be as bright, but it’s just as hot. He starts to blame himself… what could he have done differently? Could he have stopped this? Why did they have to go out like this?

Once he finishes directing his pain inward, he directs it outward. He lashes out a lot. At people who don’t deserve it, and at people only trying to help. His fury has to go somewhere.

When it comes to the stages of grief, he’s stuck on anger. He’s never cared about anything so much in his life… how could he move past it? How could anyone ever get over something like this?

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electrakarasu · 5 years

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❛ she is a knight polishing her amour, carrying her own sword. fighting her own battles. making her own glory. ❜

SIMAY BARLAS? No, that’s actually ELECTRA “LEXI” KARASU. Only TWENTY-ONE years old, this SLYTHERIN alumni works as a CURSE BREAKER and is sided with THE NEUTRALS. SHE identifies as CIS-WOMAN and is a HALFBLOOD who is known to be ARROGANT, SCRUTINISING, and DETACHED but also CLEVER, DETERMINED, and ENTERPRISING.

links: stats, pinterest character parallels: jane villanueva ( jane the virgin ), jessica huang ( fresh off the boat ), valencia perez ( crazy ex-girlfriend ), lu ( elite ), lucifer morningstar ( lucifer ), annalise keating ( how to get away with murder )

ELECTRA KARASU : ON HER LIFE

tulip karasu never did have an off-switch. she danced through life like it was a party, she broke every rule the world set out for her and she made reckless decisions with the fury of someone who was so sure of what they were doing. was she so sure that sleeping with a man twice her age, a man who had a wife, was the right thing to do? maybe not. but she did it anyway.

antigone, tulip’s first child, was six years old when tulip gave birth to electra. electra. another name from an old greek play tulip had only half understood. people tried to warn her that naming your child after a woman who attempts to murder her mother was bad luck, but tulip refused to listen — she liked that it sounded alive, crackling with intensity.

one week after electra was born and seven months after she had left christopher harris, tulip reached out to the married man to let him know of the birth of his daughter. christopher, being the ceo of a well-respected company in london, was absolutely mortified and agreed to pay a generous portion of child support if tulip didn’t tell anyone who was the father of her daughter — especially not his wife. he arranged to have the money transfer out of an account his wife could not see, set it to wire to tulip once a month and then never spoke to her again. tulip didn’t much mind — she was on to her next affair anyway.

and so electra was born into a world of chaos, a world without rules or order. tulip wasn’t much of a mother, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t kind — it just meant that as electra grew up, as her smarts began to build, she had to learn how to raise herself. she changed her name to lexi when she was just six, finding the name electra to be too stormy, too out-dated for a girl such as herself, and with that she formed the first step to navigating the world on her own, separate from her mother, from ‘ electra ’.

you see, lexi was something of a prodigy in every sense of the word. she was intelligent and cunning and emotionally mature, showing skills far beyond her age range from the time she could walk. she was nothing like her wild mother or her scruffy older sibling — she had the genes of her father, and from a young age she knew she could build an EMPIRE on that. she understood that she was better. she embraced it. she scolded her mother and her sibling, she corrected her teacher with a squeaky little voice, and by the time she was ready to be shipped off the hogwarts, she knew she was the best of the best.

and so she proved it. having been sorted into slytherin exactly thirteen seconds after the hat had found her head, lexi thrived both academically and socially. within months she was top of her class, she was the most popular girl in her grade and she knew, oh she knew she had the world wrapped around her little finger. this self-importance only grew as she flew through each year, passing every subject with flying colours and proving herself to be one of the brightest and most talented witches the school had seen in years. she finished on a high when she was elected her years head girl, and promised to stay in contact with everyone after graduation. ( spoiler alert: she didn’t. )

leaving hogwarts, lexi knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life. anywhere she went, they’d be lucky to have her, and in fact the ministry had tried to recruit her in any capacity, but she refused, telling them outright that she wouldn’t align herself with a corrupt organisation running over with power-hungry white males. she instead headed straight for gringotts, slotting in easily with the dangerous and fast-paced job of a curse breaker. she would travel the world and learn new languages and collect priceless treasure. within months she was trusted, she proved herself to be worthy of the dangerous title and she wears it with great pride.

ELECTRA KARASU : ON THE WAR

lexi wasn’t daft — she’d always known that some people looked at her differently, as if she were tainted, not worthy of the numerous titles that were being thrown at her. and she knew what it was rooted in, too — for years people would try to undermine her achievements because she had muggle blood, because she wasn’t as pure in her magic as, say, her housemates at hogwarts. and she knew that simmering hate could only last so long before it burst — so she knew what was here when the war finally arrived.

just because lexi is a halfblood, does not mean she is about to storm the streets with signs painted in large letters campaigning for MUGGLE RIGHTS. she thinks it’s ridiculous she should be seen as lesser than, of course, but she’s no fool — war is toxic. no side can claim innocence because anyone who participated in nameless violence, something this war requires, is corrupt. she sees right through the orders facade of innocence and believes them to be just as reckless and one-sided as the death eater’s. she refuses to join, to participate in something that is so clearly below her. let them fight — they can’t touch her, anyway. she’s smarter than any of them, quicker than any spell that can be thrown her way. she can defend herself without a cult.

perhaps subconsciously — though she would never admit it — lexi doesn’t care for the war either because she doesn’t particularly care for muggles. after all, the one muggle that always comes to mind for her is her father. and she hates that man more than she hates anyone else on this earth. her father, power-hungry and drowning in his white privilege, thriving off his success and not giving a fucking damn about anyone other than himself. not even his wife. christopher disgusts lexi, and she is vehemently in agreement with him on one thing — they will never meet.

ELECTRA KARASU : ON FAMILY

despite any apathy that lexi might try and push when it comes to her mother and her sibling, lexi would do anything for her little family. especially antigone — certainly not a role model, nor a particularly good older sibling, but a force and someone lexi would defend until the ends of the earth.

from a young age, lexi had to take on a leadership role in her family — the only one with realistic, practical common sense, the little girl keeping her family from blowing up the earth. she’s very good at it, too, with the emotional maturity to keep it together, but sometimes she can’t help but resent tulip and antigone for leaving it up to her to pick up the pieces. tulip is supposed to be a mother. antigone is supposed to be older. and yet both of them can’t seem to hold it together long enough to stay sane when lexi is gone. sometimes she wonders how they’re even alive, but she’ll do it. her job. her job to keep them together. she might not love it, but she’d rather be caught dead then see her family crash and burn.

lexi is incredibly protective over antigone and so had her doubts when antigone decided to push themselves into the spotlight. they’re obviously talented and incredibly good at what they do, but lexi worries about what might happen should antigone be caught slipping up. after all, they’re all in the spotlight now, no matter how small. lexi isn’t a fan of fame, and she’s certainly not a fan of how antigone deals with their success. throwing your money away and screaming political opinions on stage is certainly no way for a sensible adult to behave. she’ll support her siblings career, always, but of course she’ll worry — and worry she did when antigone disappeared.

to say that lexi nearly lost it when antigone disappeared and returned as a vampire would be an understatement. she was so overwhelmed with grief when they were gone, and then when they returned to live a new truth — lexi could barely handle it. she is so worried about how antigone is handling things, whether they’re dealing with this appropriately and whether or not they’re keeping safe. of course, she got somewhat of an answer when they announced their vampirism live on stage for the world to hear after the announcement of the new creature registry — clearly they are not keeping safe. and lexi doesn’t know how much longer she can keep her sibling truly safe before they get themselves killed — really killed.

ELECTRA KARASU : THE REST

born in 2002, lexi is the absolute epitome of a gen z kid. she’s still not over vine’s death, she’s over dramatic and sarcastic and has a very dry sense of humour. and of course her wardrobe is a complete mess. ( check out her pinterest for more wardrobe inspo. )

obviously incredibly self-important when it comes to her smarts and her skills with a wand, but is also equally aware of just how beautiful she is. she doesn’t exactly strive to accentuate anything in particular, but she knows that eyes are on her almost constantly, and while sometimes she revels in it, other times she gets frustrated and wishes people ( men, in particular ) would see her for more than her looks.

she’s pansexual but very, very tired of men. any man talks and she instantly turns into the eye roll emoji. men exhaust her! she’s attracted to them but at what cost!

multilingual! she says it’s part of the job, but honestly she’s known italian and french since she was 12 and it’s not even necessary to speak the languages of the places she travels. it’s just another way to challenge her brain.

#iidyintro #| ❛ a little devil in her angel eyes. ❜ ( character study. )#i love this demon <3

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achtung-attitude · 5 years

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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: Soul Meeting

“Is everybody sitting comfortably?” Tarantula says cheerfully. He clutches Ricardo Cone by his arm with a strong left hand. Dust and Phantasma sit in their dimly lit base, the round table between them. All-Kill’s chair is empty. He raises his right hand, a performer on a stage, declaring,

“Special delivery! One scumbag, made to order!” He chuckles to himself, then tosses Cone on the ground before the bosses. He stands just outside of the overhead light. “You can thank Moya for the record time we found him in! She regrets she couldn’t be here for this, but I’ll be sure to--”

“Be quiet.” Tarantula’s smile lessens at the sound of Phantasma’s voice. She casts a glare at him from her leather seat. Nonetheless, he nods, giving an obedient bow before stepping back.

“Welcome, young man, to our abode…” Dust says, leaning forward in his chair, “I believe you have something that belongs to us. Something you stole, like a thief in the night, from one of your own dear brothers. You know of what I speak.”

Cone trembles on the floor, and mumbles something incoherently. Dust keeps his grin and begins to say more.

“Dust,” Phantasma says, cutting him off before he can continue. “You swore to me.”

The priest smiles at her, and releases a brief, self-deprecating laugh. “Yes yes, of course, my apologies. By all means, Sister.”

Phantasma rises out of her chair and steps around the table to crouch directly in front of Cone. Even on her haunches, she is an immense, intimidating presence. Cone shrinks back, tight-lipped, eyes transfixed on her masked face. “The man you killed was named Tito. He was my subordinate. Do you remember him?...”

When Cone fails to speak, Tarantula smacks him across the back of his head, and states, “You were asked a question, puta!”

“Yes! Y-yes, I-I remember him--!!”

“You remember his face?” Phantasma presses, “The sound of his voice?”

“Yes--!”

“Do you remember what that face looked like after you ran a train over his head?”

“Oh God…! Y-yes…” He is weeping now, openly whimpering and rolling his eyes.

“He was a fool,” Phantasma continues, her gaze never straying from Cone, “he lacked discipline restraint, in all aspects of his life. Bet he was one of mine. I could rely on him to pull himself together when necessary. That is what made him worthy of me. And then he was killed by you… You?”

Ricardo Cone quivers beneath her glare. The distinct scent of urine fills the air as he wets himself. The room groans in disgust. Phantasma sneers and stands back up. “Get him on his feet,” she orders Tarantula.

He complies, lifting him up by his arm. But as soon as he’s on his feet, Cone slips in a puddle of his own urine and slips out of Tarantula’s grasp. “Hijo de puta,” mutters Tarantula as he leans forward to pull Cone back up. To his surprise, Cone starts crawling towards the door, with no strength in his legs to stand. Tarantula stifles a laugh. “Oh wow, this guy is too much…!”

Whimpering, Cone almost reaches the door when it opens from the outside. But then, All-Kill steps into the room, with his black suit and thick glasses. He glances down, seeing Cone at his feet. His hand blurs, and in a second, something black and jagged sticks into Cone’s back. A chain runs from All-Kill’s belt loop to the dark thing. He then turns the black object 90 degrees counter-clockwise. In an instant, the skinny man ceases all movement. His breathing stops and his eyes glazed over. He is dead.

“Brother All-Kill, welcome!” Dust exclaims, “You are quite late. You were called to convene an hour ago.”

“My apologies. I had to wake up Sang-ok. You weren’t still talking to this guy, were you?"

“No, we were just about finished,” Phantasma replies, “In fact, I was going to ask you to do that once you arrived. Can you get him back up for me?”

“Sure thing,” he answers as he crouches over the body. He raises his hand, and the black jagged thing appears in his hand once again. It is a pair of keys, attached to a loop, with the same relative shape and size of a normal house or car key. But they are completely black, reflecting no light at all. Like a tiny shard of darkness clasped between his thumb and fore-finger. He inserts it into Cone’s flesh, sinking into as easily as a hot knife through butter.

Unhurried., he turns it clockwise by 90 degrees. Cone’s body twitches violently, then falls still again. Grunting, All-Kill turns the key again, and again, until the third time when Cone suddenly gasps for air and rolls onto his hands and knees. Alive again, his eyes bulge out of his head as feeling returns to his body. “Wh-what was that?! What did you do to me?!” He screams this, at no one in particular. All-Kill sneers and steps away, walking to the bar. Behind him, Sang-ok follows.

Phantasma answers him by stepping over and stomping on his back, his limbs splaying outwards on the floor. “We showed you what you’re missing out on. A quick death.” she tells him, looking down on him. “This moment, this fear you’re experiencing? This is the rest of your life. Your short life. You’ll beg me to kill you before long. I won’t.”

She drags Cone out of the room by his ankle like a whimpering sack of coal. He starts to beg and cry for mercy, but his pleas are ignored by all present. This is the last of Ricardo Cone.

All-Kill asks Dust, “Was that all that was on the agenda?”

“Yes, I believe so. We can trust Sister Phantasma to retrieve our property. Eventually. I think we can retire for the night.”

“Wait, what?” Sang-ok says after yawning, looking back and forth as the others prepare to leave. “But we just got here! What’d I wake up in the middle of the night for?”

“It’s because you took so long to get ready,” All-Kill chides, reaching across the bar for a bottle of Korean soju, kept in stock just for him.

“What the hell, man? Why didn’t T’onga have to come?!”

“Because she’s doing recon for another job. Don’t be a pain.”

Sang-ok groans in annoyance, and All-Kill shoves a shot glass of soju in his face. On the other side of the room, Brother Dust prepares to leave.

“Excuse me, Brother Dust,” Tarantula calls to him, his voice unusually humble, “May I have a word?”

“Of course, my son,” Dust replies, smiling, “What is troubling you?” Tarantula moves closer to him into the light, revealing a thickly muscled arm covered in Gothic-style tattoos.

“Well, it’s about that pendejo Cone. There’s something I didn’t get the chance to say before. Earlier, when Moya and me found him… He didn’t give us any trouble, but that was only because he had already been attacked. By another user. A different Stand. A new one, one I haven’t encountered before.”

Dust raises his chin. “That is… distressing. I trust you’ve taken appropriate measures.”

“I sent Moya to track them down, whoever it was. They had to have been nearby still when we found him, so I’d usually expect her to have found them by now. But she hasn’t called me yet. Who’d have thought there’d be this much grief over that sack of shit?”

“Indeed. However, are you not barking up the wrong tree? The matter is not in my hands, but rather our dear Sister’s. If you have concerns, should they now be pointed in her direction?” Tarantula shifts uncomfortably and looks off to the side. Dust responds by patting his shoulder. “I understand. You still feel she blames you for the mishap in Compton, seven years ago. When you approached me, I supported your initiative to win us new members. Kilo Staples was, and is, worthy of the power you granted him. Sure, it may have gone a bit awry, but you needn’t torture yourself over it. Sister Phantasma agrees, I know. She only pushes you so as to bring out your best.”

“It isn’t that,” Tarantula says, waving Dust’s hand away, “This isn’t about Staples. It’s just… sometimes, I worry the boss might not get how important what we’re doing here is. That, well… she worries too much about honor, or honesty. What if--”

Dust cuts him off with another hand on his shoulder, firmer. “Have faith, Brother. There will always be non-believers. Those who doubt, mistrust the divine, but we must accept them all the same. We have to believe enough for ourselves, and them. I believe in Phantasma. She has shown nothing but dedication to the cause.”

“But when will be the time to act already? I’m starting to get bored of this typical gangster shit. No offense, Brother, but I’ve waited long enough for us to claim our spot at the top!”

Dust assuredly pats him on the back. “Soon. Very soon. The asset is still in the hotel. The time is approaching. All I can ask is your patience and your devotion. It will all unfold soon enough. Do you understand?”

Tarantula is silent, then nods. “Yes, Hermano,” he says, in a low whisper.

Dust smiles, and as he turns again to leave, he proclaims, “One thing more, Brother Tarantula. Do not be so quick to dismiss Mr. Cone. In many ways, he is kindred to us. A pure soul, unbound by man’s constructs of morality and society. Power takes root in such a soul as this, does it not?”

Tarantula’s grin returns, his teeth gleaming in the low light. “Of course, Hermano. I get what you mean. You and I serve the same God, after all.”

#jjba #jojo's bizarre adventure #Jojo no Kimyou na Bouken #achtung attitude #dust #tarantula #ch18

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emandme · 5 years

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Let them die

Did you channel your inner Ken Watanabe from the Godzilla movie saying “Let them fight”, while you read this title? No? K.

That is the only relative humor you will find in this post because it goes pretty down hill from here. What was that? Already downhill you say? I’ll see you when I see you.

This blog post is about the futility of CPR. Most people who are reading this know by now that I am a proponent of CPR and resuscitation science. I’ve spent almost the entirety of my teaching career advancing Life support skills, and implementing this knowledge on patients on an everyday basis. Over these three years in emergency medicine, I’ve seen seen things that I cannot unsee and this has, on occasion, made me hyper vigilant in resuscitation scenarios. Multiple studies have shown that such behavior is akin to PTSD in soldiers returning from war and that brings us to the point of this article - the flip side of CPR.

The idea for this blog post came to me on a sunny sunday afternoon shift. A hypothetical 65 year old was brought into the emergency by bystanders in an unresponsive state. Collapsed on the sidewalk some 20 minutes ago. With no one accompanying him. Bystanders thought it would be wise to just shift him to the hospital in an auto rather than wait for 108, rightfully so. One look at the patient and we knew he was dead. Long gone. No brainstem reflxes, cold and cyanosed - this was a classic brought dead scenario. The first person I broke the news to was the bother in law who had arrived before anyone else. He took the news in, processed it while I sat next to him and looked up to me and said “My sister will not take this well”. I break bad news on a daily basis. I follow set guidelines while I’m breaking the news and I’ve even given a talk about how to do it, empathetically. But I was not ready for what was about to unfold over the next 90 minutes. The dead patients wife was brought in to the room we have for privacy and she was already crying and wailing as to what had happened to her husband. She still doesn’t know he’s dead. She did not give me a chance to speak and as I was trying to calm her and start explaining her what is happening, her brother barks out - He’s no more. In a flash, her hands were on my collar and she was at my face yelling - You cannot do this to me. It took her sometime to let go of me, but she still didn’t accept the news. I was stuck in the first stage of the 5 stages of grief with her, in that room, for the next 90 minutes.

There’s no denying that this was the worst moment of her entire life. It was my duty to stand by her and make sure she comes to terms with this hard fact, stay until she accepts it. India still doesn’t have social workers or grief counselors to handle the emotional needs of our patients and that job is being taken care of by untrained and under prepared Emergency Physicians and Intensivists who basically just wing it, in whatever they know best. I did not mind any part of her out burst or emotional response. I do not blame her for it , nor do I wish it was some one else in my place. This was the most dramatic response I’ve encountered in all my experience of dealing with bad news and emotional family members. But that is not what led to this post. When we later sat down as a team to debrief this particular event, a suggestion came up that may be we should have attempted CPR on this dead man for the sake of the family, for their satisfaction, and that ladies and gentlemen, brings us to where you are now. Too long of a back story? No. You, as doctors, are bound to face this choice and how you chose will reflect how righteous you are.

Do you perform CPR on a patient who you know is dead? Do you perform CPR on someone who has been unresponsive and pulseless for more than 5 minutes? Who is already cold and without brainstem reflexes?

To answer this question, you need to understand what the ‘successful’ revival of a patient actually means, or to put it in medical terms - what does ROSC (Return of spontaneous circulation) entail and is getting a pulse back always a good thing?

CPR and advanced resuscitation is not some magic trick that brings patients back from the dead. So lets first understand what Cardiopulmonary resuscitation does to the body. A cardiac arrest is a sudden event, an instantaneous collapse, like falling over the edge of a cliff, and these are the patients in whom CPR can make a difference. When a patient has a cardiac arrest, his or her heart has essentially stopped pumping blood and the most vital organ of them all, the brain, stops receiving blood. The Brain is extremely sensitive to this lack of circulating oxygenated blood and all it takes is one minute of absence of blood supply for the onset of permanent Hypoxic Ischemic Encephelopathy, or in lay man terms, brain death. When we resuscitate a patient, what we’re essentially trying to do is making sure that the brain receives blood supply, by pumping the stopped heart from outside, by chest compressions, while we’re simultaneously trying to figure out which one of the ten reversible causes has caused this sudden cardiac arrest and injecting drugs like Epinephrine which are hypothesized to “restart” the hearts contraction. Go on, read this paragraph again if you need to. Resuscitation is making sure the brain receives oxygenated blood while you’re figuring out how to restart the heart so it can beat on its own, or - ROSC! Makes sense?

But what if the patient’s brain is already a goner - what we in Emergency medicine call “Down time”. Remember, all it takes is a minute of lack of blood to cause permanent brain death. So lets say a patient with about 15 minutes of down time is brought to the emergency room. You checked for response, no response, you checked for pulse and breathing - nope and you went all out on him - started CPR, intubated him, went at him like there was no tomorrow. Gave him shot after shot of Epinephrine and then out of nowhere, you start feeling a pulse. Great! You got a pulse. Thats ROSC! Do you think your resuscitation is a successful one? The answer is no. Not by any means. Success is measured by how disabled this patient is going to be. 15 minutes of down time and brain is already scrambled eggs. What you basically did was bring back someone who is going to be in a vegetative state for the rest of his or her mortal life. Why did the heart restart though? that’s what chest compressions and epinephrine can do.They force the autonomous cardiac myocytes to start contracting again. But what’s the point without any brain to function? That- Brain function or neurological response - is the sole measure of success of resuscitation and that brings us to the flip side of resuscitation - Letting them Die.

That was about Down time. This piece is incomplete if I don’t talk about the very sick and the very old. A very damning article published in the Irish times started off like this - “Stop the barbaric practice of using CPR on the very old”. This article tries to reason the difference between sudden cardiac arrest and natural death. The processes in ordinary dying are quite different from cardiac arrest. Like I explained earlier A cardiac arrest is an instantaneous collapse, like falling over the edge of a cliff. In ordinary dying, usually now after a long life, from “not cardiac arrest”, there is prior deterioration over months, days, hours, minutes and seconds until finally the heart stops. Imagine for a moment the fragile body of a woman in her 90s, who has a multiplicity of chronic diseases, including dementia, after it has been subject to vigorous and unsuccessful CPR. Rib bones will have been crunched, soft tissue bruised and teeth broken.

Do you remember your oath? To do no harm. The onus is on you to ensure that the treatment is not worse than the medical condition you are trying to treat. No one knows better than doctors that death is a very real entity. It hounds every one of our patients and it is time we start recognizing when it is time.

Doctors are not cowboys. Do not swing your fancy Endotracheal tubes and bougies and resuscitation knowledge on unsuspecting families. Yes, they will beg and plead and bargain with you to try, but it is your imperative to stand your ground, to let them die.

#emergency medicine #medicine #death #cpr #foam #foamem

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evil-moonlight · 2 years

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For the WIP tag - what if Han Kiwhan shot Dongsik please!!! (I would love to read that, and your english does not suck at all btw)

Also thanks for tagging me! I'll be doing it tonight when I get home from work 💖

Omg, honestly, I had no idea about where this fic is going. I wrote this like I didn't even create an outline or whatever, what was on my mind was just the ending should be different, regardless of the consequence. This fic idea focuses on that particular scene in episode 16:

what if... what if... Han gi hwan really did pull the trigger? So in this fic, he did and dongsik was shot right at his shoulder. And by that, it also focuses on how han juwon would've handled that scene. And everyone knows, the whole world knows, that he's all willing to go to hell for dongsik. He'd been to hell so many times but seeing the person you've been protecting get hurt, as it might eventually result in an inevitable demise, is a different case. So, juwon had to pull the trigger as well, become an untamed monster, to kill the other monster.

So like, this fic is just a description of what had happened next in that scene if that were the case, and that the little details are changed. Like, juwon is unhinged, wants to make sure his father won't get away from this, gi hwan must suffer... and must...die, and dongsik has to tell the young man that it does not have to be like this. This time, it is dongsik saying, "you can't ruin yourself anymore." Dongshik is still able to arrest gi hwan, although gi hwan is already in severe pain until jiwha and her team has arrived, the paramedics are quick to assist the dying man.

And also, I was laughing at myself when I wrote this 'cause I wanted this whole scene to be dramatic and sadder than it already had been but I had no idea how I should do that. So, dongsik is injured, right? But he begs jihwa to leave him and juwon for a while, saying that his gunshot wound is not a big deal, the pain is not even tantamount to the pain he had to endure for the past twenty years. Of course, it is stupid for jihwa to allow that, but since damn, I had no other idea how to give them the moment they needed, I allowed that to happen. XD jiwha takes herself out of the picture when truly dongsik is also at his death's door, considering the greater amount of dongsik's blood loss.

Then, the dialogues in dongsik's arrest scene are also changed. And the gestures when juwon is enunciating his rights are remade. Rather, they are... kissing... that when jiwha comes back and sees the moment, she thinks of it as the most beautiful portrait her eyes have ever witnessed. I wanted it to be both romantic and tragic - so, the scene where they did reunite for nam sang bae's death anniversary does not transpire. jihwa sends texts to juwon, inviting him to have lunch with them together, but he does not answer, nor plans to arrive at jaeyi's butcher shop. Juwon remembers it so well - the last time he and dongsik were together. Juwon had to arrest dongsik, otherwise, the man would rather choose to die right there. But after everything, dongsik died after all.... and gi hwan didn't. So, this fic is trash.

The rest of it apparently is just han juwon dealing with the stages of grief - how he handles his life while experiencing denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and why it takes him a very long time to arrive at the acceptance stage - how he slowly vanishes from the world, away from gi hwan, from hyuk, and the manyang people, and how the manyang people learns the fact that juwon is lost, and he's in deep sorrow, who still clings to the memories of dongsik - 'cause like every year, there are flowers in dongsik's tombstone, and immediately they know who those came from.

#WIP meme / tag game #ask #answered #you see this fic is a mess xD #so sorty about that #and thank you for the ask!! xx 😘

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hopevalley · 6 years

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bill and feet

An Inch, a Mile; A Minute, an Hour

Words: 4,270Summary: He’d been through the what-ifs tens of thousands of times. If only the rope had had more give to it. If only he’d arrived home sooner for lunch. If only he’d known Martin felt that lonely, or scared, or helpless. Maybe he could have been saved. {Or, Bill returns to the city to sell his family home.}Pairing/Character: Bill & Martin, plus some Nora and Abigail.Prompt: from this meme.Rating: T for themes.Warnings: SUICIDE.Genre: character study, angst, family, friendship.

Bill’s a fun character and I was kind of shocked to see the lack of ‘fic about him, in particular pertaining to the loss of his son. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story. Click on the ReadMore for a few story notes.

All right, so the canon for WCtH is pretty sparse when it comes to character backgrounds, and Bill is no exception. We know very little about him, his marriage to Nora, or his relationship to his son, but here are the things that canon does state outright:

His marriage to Nora was an obligation/a way to pay back a favor to Jonas, Nora’s father.

They married to protect Nora’s honor when she ran off with a man but returned unmarried and pregnant.

It’s implied that Martin was Henry’s son. Nora has “always had a blind spot” when it comes to Henry, and Martin is, well, a name shared by Henry’s actor. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

Bill held Martin when he took his first breaths, and he held him as he took his last breaths. The implication that’s made here is that Nora was not there when Martin died.

Nora felt that Martin was always a burden to Bill, because he wasn’t his blood son.

Without Martin they had no reason to remain married and they both seem very aware of it.

There are more things that are said, but it’s hard to separate the chaff from the wheat, so to speak. Bill says his wife proposed to him, but this is before he admits he married her out of obligation. Either she did ask out of desperation (and he felt obligated to accept), or he was just over-simplifying things (by putting herself in a position where she needed him to step in, she was more or less asking him).

Okay, so here are the headcanons I constructed based loosely on what we were given in the canon:

Martin died as an adult. I know the picture of him is as a child, but the wife isn’t Nora and so I discard it personally and replace it with something that makes a little more sense. I like the idea of the picture being of a younger Martin, but that doesn’t mean he died at that age. I think Nora ran off with Henry when she was much younger, say, late teens, and returned pregnant and young with no idea what to do. Bill, who was raised by her father for the last years of his childhood, was about a decade older than Nora and not very close to her. Truly a marriage of convenience. But if Bill was in his late 20s when he married an 18-year-old Nora, then it’s been twenty+ years. I definitely headcanon that Martin died in his early 20s.

Martin killed himself. I know this is a good wholesome show but let’s not pretend tragedy doesn’t happen, okay? I chose hanging because I feel like shooting himself would put way too much guilt on Bill (for having guns in the house) and absolutely destroy Nora (the blood and mess all over her home would be beyond traumatizing). I constructed it as a deliberate act where Martin planned it to be at a time where his father may have been able to intervene, which is why Bill kind of focuses hard on tiny details. (It’s also something he’s good at, per his job.) This is a little extra tragic for Nora because she wasn’t there for it, and never got to say goodbye. If Martin had died of a long illness, I don’t think she’d be so broken up over his death years later. She is, so it must have been something extremely difficult to process and accept.

Martin had Anxiety and Depression. This is ultimately what drove him to making the call. He felt hopeless, confused, scared. He didn’t know how to ask for help, and in this time period, he’d be lucky if he didn’t end up placed in an asylum for speaking about the way he felt.

Martin was gay. This isn’t something I addressed in the story, because I don’t think Bill would have figured it out, but it’s a personal headcanon that means a lot to me.

Nora and Bill didn’t have a sex life. I think they care about each other in their own way, but neither of them trust the other with their heart and never did. I also feel that Bill would fully respect Nora not wanting him like that.

Bill loved being a father. But I also think for him, his relationship with his son, being shrouded in tragedy, is also a very personal and private thing.

These are only my personal headcanons; by no means do you, the reader, have to agree with them. This is just my interpretation of this aspect of Bill, Nora, and Martin’s relationship. There are many others!

Anyway, I tried to write this with the idea of a small emotional distance existing between Bill and his memories. Like, I’m sure he sometimes gets lost in grief over his son’s death. I’m sure he cries sometimes when he’s by himself. I’m sure he cried when his son died. But he’s viewing it a few years down the road in this story, and he’s built some walls so that he can view it with some objectivity.

Bill is the sort of person to compartmentalize his hurt, and I got the feeling from what he does say of his son that it’s not something he likes talking about, but…he can. He’s started to move on and to stop blaming himself so much. It doesn’t take the hurt away, as many of you know, but it does help ease it.

Originally I had a small scene in here between Frank and Bill, where Frank talks about forgiveness, but of a kind not often talked about in the series: forgiving oneself. I took it out because it didn’t fit with the rest, and I think Bill has largely done this already. It just doesn’t have the power to keep him from thinking of the if-onlys and what-ifs. In a manner of speaking, selling the home he watched Martin grow up in is the final stage of his grieving process.

So it’s not that he doesn’t hurt. He does. But he feels it less, now, than he did, and he doesn’t feel it all of the time.

I also originally had a line in the scene toward the end where Bill remembers letting Martin crawl into bed where Martin apologizes for it and Bill forgives him, but took it out. It felt like just a bit too much.

And yes, the things Bill says to Martin are supposed to lightly reflect what AJ says to Bill in S5E8: Weather the Storm.

Stay tuned for the AU in which Bill is on time and Martin lives. Well, maybe not…but it’s a nice thought.

The song I thought of while writing was this one:

youtube

I didn’t explore the deep tragedy of suicide in this story because it’s several years in the past, but if I ever hit up a more detailed/lengthy piece on Bill, it may show up.

#when calls the heart #tw: suicide #bill avery #martin avery #trash-god #answered mail #fanfiction

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hiddlescheekbones · 7 years

Text

Hamlet at RADA – a very long and very detailed collection of memories (2/4)

Below is a recollection of every single moment I can remember from one of the best days of my life. The day I saw Tom Hiddleston as Hamlet at the Jerwood Vanbrugh Theatre, RADA, London.

I wrote this as a journal entry for myself, in hopes that I’ll never forget each moment. But also, since this was such a limited availability performance, and we don’t know if it will hypothetically be transferred somewhere, I hope this can give you curious minds a little insight of the play.

Disclaimer:

This is not a review;

Contains detailed descriptions of some scenes from the play so read at your care;

All opinions and emotions are from my own point of view and I understand other people could have lived it differently;

I went to see it mainly for Tom so pardon me if my focus is mainly on him;

Unfortunately, I can’t remember every scene or in what order they played, but I tried my best; I wrote 5 pages worth of notes when I got back at the hotel so this is as close as I can remember.

This memory is divided into four parts:

Before the play

The play (I II)

After the play

If you attended and there’s anything you feel I missed or got wrong please let me know! If you didn’t and want details on some scene or a description of a scene I didn’t include, also the same.

Enjoy!

PS – English is not my first language, nor am I a writer in my daily life. Far from it. I probably didn’t find the right words and I repeat a lot of them. Forgive me. I have a more physical and materialistic approach rather than interpreting the play. For that, I recommend you read these brilliant reviews x x

The Play (I)

A tall shadow walks on stage from the back and sits at the piano. A single light focuses on it.

There he is. Tom Hiddleston live and in colour. I grab my friend’s hand as I’m holding everything inside me and try not to make a noise.

He’s looking down at the piano. He looks up, straight in my direction. The whole world freezes in that moment. There are tears in his eyes. His stare is piercing and intense. His eyes two blue marbles.

Some deep breaths.

He strikes some keys. He restarts and sings in a soft warm voice, the ode from Ophelia to her father, carrying such grief that is heartbreaking.

“And will he not come again?

And will he not come again?

No, no, he is dead;

Go to thy deathbed;

He never will come again.

His beard was as white as snow,

All flaxen was his poll.

He is gone, he is gone.”

There are tears running to my face at this point. I couldn’t have asked for a better first impression.

This song will return at least twice during the play. The melody reminds me of “Days in the Sun”, an original song from the latest Beauty and the Beast film.

The lights go down and the next scene is set. The black wall goes up, revealing a wall with windows at the centre and three doors: one at the left with the portrait of King Hamlet right above, one glass door at the middle, and one hidden door at the right, with a portrait of King Claudius on it. A desk and chair are placed facing the audience. A big square carpet with the coat of arms of Denmark in the middle is placed in the centre of the stage. The King seats at the desk and a technician (who I found out at the end was an actual theatre tech member) counts down from 5 to 0 like the scene is ready to go on air on live television.

Claudius first speech is delivered as a TV announcement to the people. He’s wearing a grey suit and tie. Nicholas Farrell, the actor who plays him, makes a noticeable pause in the middle of his monologue as he looks like he’s trying to remember his line, but recovers like a sir.

At the end, the rest of the cast cheers and Hamlet enters through the left door. Immediately his presence fills the room. He stands tall and with great posture. All actors have great voice projection.

Tom’s voice is loud but enjoyable like honey. There are an anger and bitterness in his first speech. He’s wearing a dark blue ripped sweater, a long black coat, black jeans (or they used to be black) and brown boots. His hair is long and curly, and his beard has grown quite a bit since the rehearsal photos came out.

Hamlet’s first soliloquy “O that this too too sullied flesh would melt” sets the mood for every other soliloquy of the play: all lights out, sudden sound, and a cold blue-ish light over the actor speaking. Tom makes an effort to look at all points of the audience: all around the several rows of the stalls and up to the balcony. Pretty sure he makes eye contact with a few people, but I’m not sure if it’s deliberate or not.

Enter Horatia, Hamlet (who has lost his coat) gives her a big hug that sweeps her off the ground. All their hugs are quite endearing and tense. Caroline Martin is wearing jeans, a long blue shirt, black boots and red lipstick. She has quite a presence and an excellent powerful voice.

Laertes says goodbye to Ophelia and Polonius gives his advice reading from a paper. Laertes wears some very laid back clothes, Polonius wears a dark suit, and Ophelia wears ankle long jeans, a black top and blouse and some flats. Ophelia tells Laertes to be safe and he shows her a box of condoms. Polonius tells Laertes to be safe and gives him an even larger box. Ophelia tells Polonius of Hamlet’s advances while crossing her fingers behind her back (I saw this because she had her back to me, not sure if it was evident for everyone).

Hamlet sees the Ghost played by the brilliant Ansu Kabia. The Ghost enters by the middle glass door, so Hamlet has moved to our end of the stage. First, he stands, back to us and I feel it. The so famous delicious smell that emanates from Tom. It’s quite indescribable but not at all what I expected. It’s a light but imposing smell, no other actor has a particular scent, which lingers after he walks by. It’s a citric sweet but fresh perfume. This is also the first time I realise how extremely tall Tom is. His clothes fit him perfectly. He also has great posture, large shoulders and small waist. He kneels. He’s so close I could touch him. Also, his feet are enormous.

After the Ghost scene comes the first comical moment of the play. The first time the Ghost shouts from the ground “SWEAR!”, Hamlet points at the ground under the carpet and proceeds to sneak himself under it and crawls towards us coming out from the other side as if he’s looking for him.

It makes the whole room giggle.

The set changes again. There’s now a three-seat white sofa facing us and two individual armchairs at the sides facing the big sofa.

The hilarious Polonius speaks of Hamlet’s madness. Rosacrantz and Guildastern (played by the same young actresses that play Marcella and Bernarda) are introduced. They wear fancy lady suits and Rosacrantz wears heels.

Hamlet appears behind the wall and can be seen through the glass windows. He’s wearing a hoodie with the hood on, carries a Danish flag on his shoulders, his face is painted like a football fan and he’s reading Matt Haig’s Reasons to Stay Alive.

The hilarious scene with Polonius takes place, three moments stayed with me:

“Have you a daughter? (…) Conception is a blessing.” As he says this he proceeds to do a thrusting move towards the sofa. One foot on the pillows and the other on the floor as his hips move back and forward in a very suggestive manner. One of the girls behind me lets out a hysterical laugh. I’m just left there with my chin on the floor. No one has told me about this.

They sit on the sofa. Hamlet still mocking Polonius mimics his movements by crossing legs at the same time

The way Tom delivers the following:

(joking) “You cannot, sir, take from me any thing that I will more willingly part withal—

(serious) except my life,

(laughing) except my life,

(crying) except my life.”

Rosacrantz and Guildastern are back and they bring a pill radio. Hamlet is immediately cheered up and they do a little group dance. And, oh boy, did I imagine I would ever see this day. This is the only moment in the play I can see traces of Tom in his face. He really does enjoy dancing. The dance involves some synchronized moves with their hands in the air and a few turns. Hamlet lifts Rosacrantz off the ground in a swing dance back lift. Everyone is genuinely laughing.

Edit [April 2018]. Finally a confirmation of the song:

youtube

After a heated confrontation with the two friends, they end up removing his face paint.

Cue “What a piece of work is a man” my favourite soliloquy. I can still hear it. He’s very mellow and sad, you feel sorry for him.

Polonius comes back announcing the arrival of the players (I can’t really remember if it’s at this point he trips in one of the chairs, great stunt). The Player King delivers Hecuba’s speech and what a performance that was. Pretty sure I saw some tears in the audience. Polonius obnoxiously interrupts the performance a couple of times with Hamlet shushing him like he’s a child and even threatening violence with a fist up.

Polonius gives Ophelia the Holy Bible to read. Enter Hamlet, the whole room goes dark and a single light shines on him. “To be or not to be. THAT is the question” He cries.

He finds Ophelia. “I loved you not.” They get closer and closer, the room is quiet. They kiss. “Get thee to a nunnery.” They kiss again. She takes her blouse off and there’s a noise from the back “Where is your father?” He gets mad, completely enraged.

The play within a play scene comes up. They’ve put the desk and chair on our side of the stage and the sofa and armchairs on the other side. The carpet is gone. The scene proceeds, with Hamlet sitting again very close to us why the play doesn’t start. Unfortunately, this was the only moment of the play that I couldn’t figure what was going on the other side, namely the King’s reaction, as we had the two players reenact the scene in front of us on the desk.

Hamlet rushes and interrupts them, and on the way to climb on the table, Tom misses the chair and almost falls but recovers like a champ. Everyone leaves and there’s the moment with the recorder of which I clearly remember Tom’s long fingers fiddling with the thing.

There’s the scene with the King praying and Hamlet appears from the back with his rapier. Very intense scene.

Jump to the scene with Gertrude, when Hamlet is pretty much possessed with rage. He kills Polonius through King Claudius’ portrait on the hidden door on the right and runs in tears to our end of the stage without realizing who he has murdered.

The scene with Gertrude is one of the most emotionally heavy and makes me tear up. Lolita Chakrabarti is amazing in portraying the despair of a mother.

Hamlet is sent away to England. The back wall with the doors goes up and a projection of clouds can be seen.

Ophelia has gone insane and is wearing some ripped clothes now. I got to say that Kathryn Wilder made me sympathise with her than any other actress has before. There’s a scene on the floor where she points to her belly or intimate parts.

There’s a loud plane sound and we see Guildastern, Horatia, Hamlet, and Rosacrantz all wearing long black coats. The planes are the soldiers from Norway. The four of them look like they’re about to drop the edgiest album of the year.

#hamlet #tom hiddleston #rada hamlet #rada #kenneth branagh #william shakespeare #rada hamlet a memory #2 / 4 #tbh i can't remember the order of these last scenes #or when the intermission comes #it's all becoming a blur #*cries*

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maryxglz · 7 years

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The only indication that this is where the hottest ticket of this year, for one of the most exclusive theatre events is happening, is a modest sheet of A4 paper hung on the glass-fronted building. It reads: “HAMLET. Doors open one hour before the performance.”

No posters, no production photos, nothing else.

There’s no need: the 3-week run of Hamlet with Tom Hiddleston in the title role and directed by Kenneth Branagh, staged to raise funds for a new-build RADA theatre, is sold out.

Ever since opening night the press has clamoured for the production to be streamed live in cinemas so that a wider audience can see it. There are no plans to do so, and this adds to the tingle of privilege and excitement one feels walking into the tiny horse-shoe shaped auditorium that seats a mere 160, knowing that you are one of the lucky few to bag a ticket. Even at £95 a throw.

This excitement at being at an exclusive super-star event is enhanced by the sheer physical closeness to the actors. If I reached out my hand, I could touch them. But from the moment the play starts, the actors touch me, emotionally. Hiddleston is magnificent: his range stunning. The excellent, diverse ensemble cast shines and Branagh’s direction throws fresh light on the emotional complexities of the play.

Two particular aspects of the production deepened my understanding of the dramatic possibilities of the play. The first was the emotional vulnerability Hiddleston brought to the role of Hamlet.

As the lights come up Hamlet sits centre stage at a small piano and tentatively picks out a half-remembered bluesy tune of such melancholy sweetness that it feels as if he hesitates to play the notes for fear they will evoke too much unbearable pain. Quietly mellifluous, he half-sings, half-speaks the slow, grief-filled words as they come to him, as if from far away

And will he not come again? And will he not come again? No, no, he is dead; Go to thy deathbed; He never will come again. His beard was as white as snow, All flaxen was his poll. He is gone, he is gone.

When he sings these last words his warm voice thins and cracks and tears wet his cheeks – and we keenly feel his fragility, his loneliness, his vulnerability. Shakespeare didn’t write this scene – he has us meet Hamlet for the first time in a scene characterized by brittle hostility – and I was struck by the boldness of beginning the play with what appeared to be entirely new material. But the feelings with which Tom Hiddleston imbues this song creates in the audience an empathic alignment with Hamlet’s state of mind, and this forms a bedrock of understanding that informs all that follows. When he is spiky or enraged, vengeful or cruel, we know the emotional devastation that underlies it.

I felt deeply affected as Hiddleston deftly moved through changing states of mind. When he meets Polonius he’s reading Matt Haig’s brilliant Reasons to Stay Alive, the book that like no other shows the complex thought-patterns and fluctuating mindsets that are ongoing underneath the dull exterior of depression, whilst also reminding us of the possibility of recovery. Indeed, when Hamlet engages with death beside Yorick’s graveside, he comes to life. He bounces delightfully off Ansu Kabia’s light comedic touch as the Gravedigger.

The second revelation was the genesis of Ophelia’s madness in her relationship with her father Polonius. New light was thrown on Ophelia’s character for me, not only through Branagh’s incisive direction, but also Sean Foley’s brilliant work as the oily, obsequious Polonius. The verbose character loves the sound of his own voice and has often become tedious to watch for that very reason. But Foley finds the humour in the role and makes us love to loathe him. Importantly, the insights that this production provides result from the way Foley’s Polonius engages with his children. I want to expand on that a little.

Ophelia’s brother Laertes’ injunctions as to how his sister should comport herself in his absence are rife with florid sexual references and double-entendre-laden warnings, whilst he himself tucks away a packet of condoms to show her what he will be up to whilst away. Then Polonius arrives to bid his son farewell – and presses a large carton of condoms into Laertes’ hands, in a way that demonstrates parental sexual intrusiveness. Polonius too talks to Ophelia in queasily intrusive sexual overtones.

When Ophelia comes to her father for comfort after a shocking encounter with the grief-stricken, anxious Hamlet, Polonius offers no containment to her, but rather amplifies her confusion and distress by insisting that the prince was expressing “the very ecstasy of love”. Rather than recognize that Hamlet’s grief over his recently deceased father troubles him, Polonius convinces Ophelia that she is the cause of the madness: by rejecting his love. Thus he imprints on her that her sexuality is damaging.

He does not comfort her – in fact, even as she sits distraught on the ground, he neglects her state of mind entirely and excitedly rushes to the King and Queen to tell them all about his new, titillating discovery. In Shakespeare’s original version, he goes alone, but Branagh has Polonius take his daughter with him. The shame and embarrassment to the poor girl to hear her father read Hamlet’s love letters out loud is palpable and we see her begin to fragment. This worsens as the royal couple gratefully accept Polonius’s reasoning that Ophelia’s sexual appeal is to blame for Hamlet’s “hot love” (her father’s lasciviously uttered phrase sees Ophelia cringe); that she is the cause for his descent “into a sadness, then into a fast, thence to a watch, thence into a weakness, thence to a lightness, and, by this declension, into the madness wherein now he raves.”

Polonius’ description of Hamlet’s decline serves as a template for Ophelia’s own descent into madness later on, but this particular scene reminded me powerfully of Freud’s Dora: as in her case, here too, parents and long-standing adult friends of the family blatantly connive to use and abuse a fragile teenage girl as currency in maneuvers that are designed to paper over the cracks in the adults’ own complex and unscrupulous sexual relationships.

Kathryn Wilder’s Ophelia’s slight, waif-like frame betrays how little she wishes to ‘take in’, and one can easily see why. Her father’s thoughts turn by default to her sexual collateral, and he is persistently sexually intrusive. This is combined with emotional neglect of her when she is disturbed: he walks away from her and disregards her when she is in distress. He meets her with misrecognition of her lived experience, and tells her that her perceptions are incorrect, whereas it is actually he who consistently misreads the emotional temperature. And he is manipulative: when he, Claudius and Gertrude plot to lay a trap for Hamlet, with Ophelia as bait, he makes her complicit by having her present, and therefore guilty – yet at the same time it renders her even more powerless.

The innocent and loving intimacy that exists between Hamlet and Ophelia appears to be the only affectionate relationship in her life, and one which is firmly rooted in genuinely felt reality. When Hamlet turns against her, that too is lost. When he roughly rejects her, he too misrecognises her intentions, her very essence; and he too says one thing when he feels another. This misrecognition is what undoes her.

In previous stagings, Ophelia seems to ‘just go mad’, and her madness seems inexplicably sexual in its origins and utterances. When she is mad, she sings of flowers and these are often played as sexual metaphors. But this production highlights a potential other, deeper cause. When she sings, she sings the very song that Hamlet started with. It caught my breath when I recognized the words, and it sparked my imagination. Perhaps she’d heard him sing this sad song, once? Perhaps they’d sung the song together? It reminded us, the audience, of their lifelong friendship with each other; it links her to him in a way that shifts our thoughts to her distant history. The link to the song amplifies that both youngsters lost not only a father but also each other: their friendship, their comfortable closeness, and their hopes of love.

The elements that Branagh and Foley have highlighted in Polonius’ way of being with his child, shed light on why Ophelia’s internal world would have been so fragile, so as to fragment in the way it does. It is the first time I have noticed the profundity of this constellation.

The play features many different ways of relating, notably between Hamlet and his friends, who in this production are all women. Rosacrantz and Guildastern convey the immediacy of the camaraderie between fellow students, which warms the cockles of the heart but quickly unravels in adversity. His friendship with Horatia on the other hand strengthens as time goes on: she has the capacity to listen, to recognize, and above all, to bear his experiences, unfazed. This listening relationship, in which someone can digest what you divulge to them, and think about them with you, is one of the most valuable relationships in life.

I feel privileged to have been at this performance, not because the tickets were like gold dust but for the sheer joy of being present at such a thoughtful creative process. The lack of press and the small scale of the place make for a safe space in which the players can explore the story and the feelings that arise from it. The absence of ego and of external pressures provides a sense of freedom and breathing space.

I was deeply moved by Hiddleston’s Hamlet. Branagh’s direction has thrown new light on the characters’ storylines by enriching the chains of association, and there are stand-out performances by the whole ensemble

#tom hiddleston #rada hamlet #hamlet #rada #kenneth branagh #theatre #hiddlespeare #hiddlehamlet #hamleston

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