kind of a vent? maybe? idk :( sorry

bpd + actor culture is wanting to cry and scream at my acting teacher because i showed raw emotion while acting and all he had to say was “you don’t have control over your emotions” as if he wasn’t trying to get me to cry while saying it. i know what he’s getting at, but i feel like me putting on a mask isn’t good enough and me putting down that mask and showing my stupid big loud emotions also isn’t good enough. i don’t know what he wants from me and i feel pathetic. i don’t even remember if he had anything good to say about the reading of that script. i left the room after that and cried by myself and i heard him saying good things about everyone else’s script reading. i feel so humiliated and like i opened up for no reason. -🪐🫀

.

[ID text — I Am Very Angry At You. But I Don’t Want To Make You Upset ]

sorry for venting like always but I feel like i should just give up on writing. all of you are so talented and i'm not. every time i try to touch one of my wips i just get upset at myself, i'd like to be more active as a mutual and as a writer but i feel like nobody wants me around and that's why i don't talk a lot. i just wish i could be good at something and it makes me so mad i'm not good at writing, i have so many fucking ideas and i just can't form them into words and when i do it sounds bad, nobody would like my writing.

cw std mentions, csa mention, implied csa at the end

//

i think our cold sores are back.... starts screaming. our dad always said "you cant have cold sores" but like.. even if u dont think u have sexual abuse trauma, u can still get cold sores as a kid from stuff like sharing chapstick n shit 😭😭😭 herpes type 1 is the most common std and kids can technically have herpes jus from sharing very common stuff

i mean, if we ignore the weird Vision™️ of this gross old guy with herpes cold sores on his mouth, i dont think its too far fetched to say we have it from sharing things like kids do

the corner of my mouth tingles and im going INSANE this is a sensory NIGHTMARE!!!! /autistic

-🪐🫀

I’ve heard cold sores suck a lot (only heard it sucks, we’ve never had one).

Isn’t there medication to help with it? Or something similar to help with it?

I hope it leaves soon.

(Vent incoming, sorry)

BPD culture is feeling blindsided because your FP/partner didn’t think to tell you he would have plans tonight, while also being hyperfixated and making more time for a new hobby rather than the one you both share and you altogether. And splitting :))

-🫀

.

[ID text — The moral of the story is, I will gut you if I need to. I will carve my way out with only my teeth.]

I feel like saying I Love You is never enough. I could scream it until my throat is raw and my voice gives out, yet it will still feel inadequate.

All the words I know lack the means to express exactly how my feelings pour out for you. It's a never-ending flow of emotions, the waterfall I plunge down every time I think of You.

I feel myself plummet, the oh-so familiar drop in my gut as the overwhelming need to express is restrained by language and comprehension.

"Because my love for you is higher than words, I have decided to fall silent."