having ocd is dumb

when i told my therapist about my sexual intrusive thoughts back in july, i felt like a disgusting human being and a great deal of shame. she did not blink and gave me tips to stop “compulsing” and face them head-on (basically a form of exposure therapy) and it sucked so bad but i got them fully under control within a month.

i’d barely even noticed them for months but they’ve started getting louder and more insistent again with a slightly different flavor, this time the idea that i’ll actually act on them. i know i will not. i do not believe the thoughts, i have no identification with the thoughts, and i know full well that the brain is bringing it up specifically because it goes against my values and it’s the equivalent of a child showing me a gross bug they found to see my reaction. as of now, i am not in full spiral and am actively fighting the desire to argue with or avoid them and to instead just look straight at them and sit with them…to varying degrees of success.

i’m mostly just exasperated. it feels like i have an obnoxious younger sibling in my head trying to rile me up and telling them to shut up only encourages them that they’re on the right track and it’s like

we need to ban an awful lot of goyim from talking about מדינת ישראל because in the last 48 hours I’ve seen a bunch of them look at the leaky boat it actually is and just decide to invent new problems because there weren’t enough to begin with, including:

Socialized healthcare

Israelis receiving reparations from Germany

sperm being collected from victims of a mass shooting (cue claims of subhuman necrophilia)

Ashkenazim rehebraizing their surnames

barib yariel, sheldag zior, Kevin Darwin

Jews making hummus

The modern Hebrew language

actually i'm obsessed with undercover kuromisa seiji/natori fake dating AU [x][x] and now need there to be a hilariously grave misunderstanding where word gets around that natori shuuichi is dating the striking gothic mademoiselle and somehow rumours swirl that she resembles the matoba head's estranged sister

in the usual exorcists circle fashion of game-of-gossipy-telephone, someone starts whispering: is natori seeing the matoba daughter that infamously defected!? are they conspiring together in trying to bring the matoba clan to its knees??? how scandalous! how conniving!

word gets to ban who's sadly unobservant that his boss likes neither cats nor men all like @ shinobu: are you...perchance secretly dating natori shuuichi?

shinobu, spitting out her drink: ?????

seiji, meanwhile, very much secretly (and no longer fakely) dating one natori shuuichi and now with an excellent cover for it, sidling up to shuuichi: so you'll never guess what i heard at the last exorcist gathering /_^

tbh I am kinda hoping in 10 years they will invent a new gender and it will somehow feel perfect and I'll psychically know how to present as that gender and everything will be great and I'll never feel out of place in my life or my clothing again and everyone will understand my whole deal immediately upon seeing me <- delusional

why is bandom tumblr insistent on getting into the most pointless insane discourse you've ever seen

hi cream i dont know the meaning of this

jaga art reaction moodboard

maybe im just a super salty person bc its 5am and im Still not sleepingn and Still thinking about it but i cant help but feel that qtubbo fans are some of the most hypocritial people ive ever seen. this is like. full of generalizations and just observations ive made as a crow and im. typically defensive and salty so im gonna try to be objective but at the very least im not trying to neg on the characters or the ccs, since im directing this towards the fans. its also like a solid two months of build up .so. oops?

but uh. how to start explaining this. well for one im taking this as a recent fan who is a phil watcher pretty much only. but i tend to chronically read posts about other characters since when im into things i like to be informed on all cases (idk constant instinct i have lol). like i said im gonna focus on qtubbo here, if i go into qphil stuff its purely as a comparison point. i cant speak much on interactions with other fanbases since i simply am Not informed enough but yknow.

for one, i think both tubbo and phil ahve similar things when remembering lore that is Not their own. not a neg on either one, since i dont expect them to remember it, but both have forgotten major stuff recently, ie. fred's kidnapping (phil) and the birdhouse (tubbo). both things happened before purgatoryand the subsequent forgetting happened after so even in character it makes sense (they had more to worry about), but i also think reactions in character tends to fuck with audience perception. ie, tubbos very visceral reaction to the ill timed fred joke phil had made (and it was ill timed, and thats all that i feel was criminal about it. tubbo and phils friendship is very much based on banter and friendly barbs, lots of teasing from either side. phil simply shot back on a smilar level as tubbo had originally, making his joke about "phil and who?". other people have spoken on that so im not gonna rehash about whos comment was worse, since imo they were both just shy of being insensitive, had tubbo not been dealing with freds presumed death at the time. im not gonna talk about the funeral, becasue if i do i'll get mad.). likewise, when tubbo forgot birdhouse phils reaction was much less outwards. he just said a birdhouse wouldnt be slaying- given the imprisionment he had, it makes sense that phil would associate it negatively, especially since it catalzyed all of his future derealization episodes. both of these are simply ooc things imo, from their original standpoint. i dont think either is in the wrong for forgetting. but what annoys me is the fandom perception.

this is a problem im going to link back heavily to purgatory. im not sure if it was present beforehand, as i only really got into qsmp the last two-three weeks in october (bad timing) and had only really been watching vods in order to catch up. that being said, i think the bolas and soulfire rivalry had widened the gap between the fans, which in turn affects negative perception. later weeks in november had full bad faith interpretations of phil because he was critical of tubbos choices or simply didnt understand sunnys character perfectly. and there were. a lot of those. purgatory had happened just a few weeks prior, so i liken it to that. maybe it is just my expierence, but the phrasing of a lot of character crit and analysis between the two has wildly different interpretations of a character (to wildly different results)

you can get qphil fans explaining against a bad faith interpretaiton, and people will (and have) called them excuses to defend against character analysis. i have noticed, however, when qtubbo fans do the same thing (and they have) it seems to be more of a matter of adding context to the conversation. thats.... exactly what qphil fans are doing however? when talking critically about qtubbo not communicating with other parents and friends both his and sunny insecurities, its all that hes younger and in a bad mental state. but you have something about phil not understanding sunnys character perfectly, and hes a cruel stepmother and such; and when an explanation is added to why hes not a bad father nor a good father, just an imperfect one trying his best, its simply a "mindless defense against a crit of his character". are these not the same things? providing context to a percieved bad faith interpretation? idk. i cant tell if its the age or the percieved roles theyre supposed to take, but why is tubbo allowed to be imperfect and doused in outward angst, especially when interacting with other characters (ramon had to take the initiative to communicate with tubbo. and yet. age age age.) phils just as complex and imperfect and unwell. all of qsmp is unwell. it is an explanation, not an excuse.

anyway. i think i was thinking about this because of the flightless bird/ostrich dna joke. ill timed, just like the fred one. but phils reaction speaks volumes doesnt it? if its an age one maybe he'll overdramaticize, but he laughs it off mostly. theres a lot he laughs off. he doesnt. "if your kid wasnt here id kill you". tubbo doesnt know about phils failed flight. he probably wont for a while (i cant help but think qphil is embarassed. he was knocked unconcious from hitting the water too hard. and he knows how to fly? fuck, man). i think its wild, however, that one fred joke gets the entire fanbase ready to deface and mischaracterize the whole character. but one wing joke gets maybe shocked laughter and about two posts complaining? idk. maybe im just complaining about nothing, im tired as fuck.

tldr is that tubbo fans are so wildly hypocritical that they cant see when theyre doing the same thing as everyone else. im sure im being hypocritical in this post, its human. but its annoying as fuck when its everywhere, and i think purgatory made it worse.

i'm fighting demons but the demon is making biweekly posts about how perfect 🌸 is

you know how people will buy, like, working-line border collies and then keep them in a suburban home with no sheep at all, so the dogs invent their own sheep-substitutes to fixate on as their purpose in life, like barking at sprinklers or obsessively staring at their own shadows or herding a roomba or systematically destroying every piece of furniture in the house?

that’s what my brain is like without a mentally taxing job/project.

Tuvok/T'Pel insufferable romance is real to me. I want her to completely match the energy he has in that one "Alter Ego" scene where he like, notices she's reading some sort of very old and long book for pretentious people and says he's actually read the book before. He wrote a paper on it, actually, a very well received paper. If you'd like I could- and T'Pel interrupts to say she's actually re-reading it. "I apologize. / Don't. It's rare to meet anyone who has more than a...passing interest in such things. / I assure you my interest is far from passing. / Mm. However, just because it hasn't yet passed... / (Agreeing with what's unsaid) Persistence is not the same as comprehension. / (T'Pel tips her head in agreement) / If you're uncertain, I'd be more than willing to demonstrate the depths of my knowledge on the subject. " <- They are going to be so annoying together for the rest of their lives. People are gritting their teeth listening to this.

After I write that new IDW Optimus meta, the next one is gonna be a post of "why I really hate that theory about Rodimus being a better Prime than Optimus and how it doesn't even match the themes of IDW OR canon fact about how the Matrix functions."

But the TLDR that I feel like encapsulates where a lot of this fanwank comes from, is that I feel like ppl don't properly appreciate that the context of Optimus and Rodimus' leaderships are extremely different.

Like, Rodimus only led a ship of about 200+ people. This means that the scale of his leadership responsibilities and the risks/consequences/stakes of his actions as leader were much smaller in scale. However, it also means that just because he only led one ship of people doesn't mean that his choices weren't important/weren't indicative of his personal character (that is to say, just bc it was only one ship doesn't mean that it had no meaning or significance at all).

On the other hand, Optimus led an entire freaking army over a 4 million year war that arose from political tensions that began even before he/most of the people in the war were born. That means that the consequences of his leadership had extremely far reaching consequences no matter what he did, which grants him a large degree of culpability/blame for his actions. HOWEVER, it must also be said that under the pressure of fighting an impossible war, just because OP wasn't able to "stop it sooner" doesn't mean that he was a morally bad/incompetent leader, because a whole galactic war is such a huge burden that one person can't possibly stop it or influence/control everything to make the most morally correct and peace-causing decisions.

TLDR can we please stop pitting Optimus and Rodimus against each other when the contexts of them being leaders was so vastly different (and they had such different leadership styles in general) that you can't really say "who's the better leader" without minimizing either of their accomplishments/magnifying their respective flaws.

Also, canonically speaking the Matrix can be wielded by anyone who's confident/at peace/self-righteous enough to believe they're worthy of it, which was shown not only by the ending of LL where a bunch of regular ass crewmates were able to use copies of the Matrix, but by the fact that the first Prime/ruler of Cybertron Nova Prime was a massive piece of shit who colonized people, yet was still a Matrix bearer who wielded the true/original Matrix.

And also Primus is literally Just Some Guy and not some omnipotent god who's an objective arbiter of morality that can point at a guy and go "YOU are the Specialest Boy Ever and are Divinely Mandated To Be A Good person"

So the entire premise of why ppl even make theories and debate about this is beyond me lol. In IDW1 the Matrix is more of a social/cultural symbol than it is an actual measurer of morality, which is in line with IDW1's consistent themes of challenging the inherent rightness of authority

*looking at my massive tattoo supply bill* at least I'm not in one of those US tattoo shops where they charge their apprentices massive amounts of money to mop the floor 🥲🥲🥲

i schwear to god ur not gonna find someone who enjoys working in the grocery store against their better judgement more than me, i am so fucking autistic about this job and everyone knows how good i am at it all, but nothing kills it like the dumb corporate overlord bs. the work can be grueling, the customers can be horrific, but i have got to serve- even the irritating mystery shopper score can be coped with- but when you start picking on me about the stupidest dress code shit that’s when you lose me. like now a new manager is saying they may force us all to wear those chunky nonslip shoes within the year. i have a pair but man they hurt my fucking feet. i cant do that shit every day thats why i wear converse. i said these are nonslip man they used to play basketball in these. he said “lets spill oil on the floor and see how you do” ok girl yes! try me!

Maaaaaaaaaaaan, come on.

(the post has ended up in the tags btw. I am not changing this and I need you to understand that it is just me talking to myself semi-publicly)

Tagged by @dalliansss for the WIP game

Elf was too busy to notice his coming tonight. In doubt he stood in front of the armour. Near lied two clothes for the choosing, both red and embroider with eight-rayed stars: one was the robe and other was light gambeson to be worn under the armour. The sword he had held in his hands. A beautiful that reflected the light. He raised it in front of his face and in it Melkor saw his eyes burning like brightest stars of the sky. Fëanáro in turn noticed the shadow of purest black and turned to face it, sword still in hand. His body was tense and ready for battle, but the Vala just laughed.

“A sword would not help you if I came not in peace,” he said with a smile, “Although, you should not have one, aren’t you?”

“And you shouldn’t have talked with any of the Eldar before your second trial and yet you have,” Fëanáro reminded with bitter annoyance, less on him and more on himself for not noticing it back then, “So stop with pretending. You knew I made swords.”

Tagging @my-last-brain-cell-is-socrates @ylieke @ everyone else who wants to share a bit of their work.

I'm honestly I'm not ever close to gaylors anymore I think she is the worst kind of ally and she use queer imaginary to keep us talking bout her. Let me give you and advice, make the exercise to try to stop the parasocial relationship you had with you fav. It's not healthy.

You can love an artist knowing theyre the worst, you can love an artist without project yourself on them.

Maybe you will be less angry all the time for the stupidest shit ever and your life will be a little more positive :)

--- edit ---

I wrote this last night when I should have been sleeping and the english language is not my strongest point clearly but this is a little rant post a big and long rant about anti Gaylor, not an anti Gaylor post. I fully understand why gaylors are even if I'm not entirely sure anymore, not because I think they're deluded, it's because I don't think Taylor is a good person. I don't think she is evil, people are complex, and are more gray than anything. All the things I said about how Taylor is not your bestie are about how you all should be stop be angry in her behalf when someone think she may be queer because its the narrative she is pushing, real or as a marketing strategy.