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xkanekitoukax · 6 years

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[this memory | touken mini fic]

This is so interesting to think about. What if Kaneki had been taken into the CCG and pretended to have lost his memories to protect those he knew. He still became Haise Sasaki, his fight with Arima had changed him, but Ken Kaneki is still in him. He’s just playing a role because he has to...until he comes across :re...and something happened to Touka...

And I’m sure you wanted a simple answer @mimigerb23, but that never happens with me. Welp.

[this memory | touken mini fic | 2,217 words]

When Haise walks by :re, the aroma escaping from its front doors hit him like a lightning bolt. He immediately stops dead in his tracks and his whole body tenses.

This particular coffee smell flooding his senses triggers memories he had pushed far back into the recesses of his mind. Because they were too painful. Too delicate. Too real.

They were memories of a life he left behind, a life that should remain left behind. To keep everyone safe.

But this fragrance...

Touka-chan.

Haise --no, Ken-- can’t push himself to ignore this scent. His body won’t let him. Not when she’s this close to him.

After three years...

Ken suggests to Shirazu and Mutsuki that they stop for a coffee break before heading back to the CCG and they agree to it. They honestly will do whatever their mentor wanted to do. That’s how dedicated they are. That’s the loyalty of his “children”.

He has to remind himself that he has a new family. An eclectic and yet deadly family that he has bonded with. And the thought of him ever leaving them...pains him.

When they walk into :re, the aroma hits Ken harder, so much so it makes his legs weaken. The shop itself is warm and welcoming. It’s so much like Anteiku, yet so different at the same time. But it feels like home.

The corner of Ken’s mouth twitches.

There’s only a handful of people in the shop. A couple at the counter and a group of three at a booth in a corner. And then theres Ken’s group that easily find a table almost in the center of the shop. Shirazu is quick to compliment his surroundings, something Mutsuki agrees with.

They both look over the menus neatly placed in the the center of the table as Ken’s eyes continue to wander the coffee shop. The coffee smell was too distinct. She had to be here. Somewhere.

But then Ken sees a familiar face. Yomo-san. He had come from the back of the shop, carrying a tray of clean dishes and set them on the counter before his head lifted and his eyes settled on the new group of people who had sat down.

Yomo’s eyes widened only slightly when he saw Ken. He did recognize him and Ken swallowed hard.

Ken knew he had changed a bit physically. He had put on a bit more muscle and may have grown an inch or two somehow, and his white hair now had a black patch in the center of his head. But it was still him.

“Hey! How many times do I have to tell you to greet our customers.” Ken heard her tell Yomo, but her eyes had fallen on him.

Touka’s eyes widened a little, just as Ken’s did as well.

Touka-chan...

Her hair was a bit shorter, fluffier and there’s was a blue hue to it, but it remained parted and still covered the right side of her face, something he never quite understood why she hid her face. She was so beautiful...

Just like him, there were small physical changes, but she was still very much the same Touka Kirishima he knew--

“What a cute girl...” Ken heard Mutsuki comment, breaking his train of thought.

“Yeah.” Ken thought out loud, still keeping his eyes on Touka who was now walking up to their table.

“Welcome to :re,” Touka smiled and so did her eyes. “What can I get you?” She asked with a notepad in hand, prepared for a big order if that was the case.

“Three cups of coffee, please.” Ken replied, order for Shirazu and Mutsuki and giving her a smile of his own. She gave a nod and walked away.

Something didn’t feel right. Something felt...wrong.

There was no familiarity in Touka’s eyes when she greeted him. There was a warmth to her, but it was just a friendly, courteous warmth that was routine of her when she greeted customers.

But maybe Ken was wrong. Maybe she was holding herself back. Afterall, he had been gone for three years...

Still, there was excitement bubbling up inside Ken at the thought that he had finally returned. He had found Touka again and she was okay. He could feel a smile creeping up on his face, but when he looked up and over at Yomo, who had been staring at him the whole time, he gave Ken a slow shake of his head.

Something was very wrong.

After a few minutes Touka returned with three cups of coffee. Shirazu and Mutsuki thanked her, complimenting on how amazing the coffee smelled. They both fervently took their first sips and gushed about it’s taste, but she waited on Ken to take his first sip.

Ken looked down at his cup, wrapping his hands carefully around it as brough it up closer to his face and he continued to stare at it. He was able to see his reflection over the dark, enticing liquid, pushing back the nagging memories that were clawing away at him.

He brought the edge of the cup to his lips and took a careful sip. The coffee washed over his tongue, sparking every tastebud into overload. His eyes stared at the cup once again, barely even noticing the tears building up in his eyes and then falling down his cheeks.

“Is it no good?” Touka asked worryingly.

Just like the manager’s.

“Ah, no, it’s...it’s delicious. Really, it is.” Ken said, trying to blink away his tears and looked up at Touka who gave him a bright smile and handed him a napkin. He thanked her and took the napkin, dabbing his eyes and feeling so pathetic for having allowed himself to get affected this way.

“Sassan, are you alright?” Shirazu asked with concern all over his face. Mutsuki also looked troubled by what he was witnessing.

“I’m fine, it’s just...the best coffee I’ve ever had.” Ken explained as he put on a big smile for everyone.

“Thank you, I appreciate the compliment. Enjoy!” Touka said before turning on her heels to leave him and his group alone.

Ken watched her leave, seeing how she was still acting as though she didn’t recognize him.

More tears stung his eyes.

When everyone had finished their coffees, Ken walked up to the counter. Yomo was nowhere in sight and what little customers were there before were gone with no new ones to replace them. But this was past peak hours. He remembered that...

“I hope the coffee was to your liking?” Touka’s voice got Ken’s attention. She stood behind the counter, still with a friendly demeanor.

“Not a drop left.” Ken answered. Touka seemed quite satisfied with his answer as she began to write up his check. “Have we met before?” He had to ask. He had to test her.

Please, please, it’s okay. Just tell me...

Touka’s took a moment to study Ken’s face, but her brows came together. “No, I don’t believe we have.”

Ken’s heart sunk. “Oh. You look so familiar.” He admitted, though he sounded defeated.

“I get that quite a bit.” She said and rattled off what was owed. Ken pulled out some money, leaving enough to pay for the coffee and a bit more as tip. This was just an act. He was acting on his part, so was she. It had to be that.

She still remembers me. I know she does...

“Haise Sasaki!” Shirazu called out for him in a teasing way. “We’re going to late for our meeting.” He reminded his mentor.

Right.

“Thank you for delicious coffee.” Ken complimented again. “Until next time, Kirishima.” Ken smiled with his eyes before walking away.

Before he did though he caught a glimpse of Touka’s expression at him calling her by her last name. She seemed...stunned.

a few days later...

Ken visited :re everyday after that first time. He had gone by himself, in hopes of getting a moment alone with Touka. But he never saw her. He saw Yomo, who continued to look at him like an unwanted rat, which kept Ken from going up to him to ask him about anything.

He immediately felt ostracized. But it didn’t stop him from wanting to see...speak to Touka.

Ken could no longer sit back and watch as Touka continued to treat him as though she had never knew him. What had happened to her? Was she so upset at him that she was pretending he never existed to her? Or worse...did she forget about him completely?

Then someone joined him at his table. Sitting across from him was Nishiki. Another familiar face that he had missed...

Senpai.

“Nishio.” Ken greeted him hesitantly, seeing how Nishiki did not look happy to see him.

Then again, Ken expected it. They had fought not long ago. A brutal fight...

“Kaneki. Or is it Sasaki?” Nishiki asked through slit eyes.

“I had a role to play...” It’s true. He was a dove and he had to protect his squad from “Serpent”, but he had gotten a little carried away. That tended to happen...

“And you played it well. Bravo.” Nishiki said deadpanned.

Ken sighed, looking away from him. “Nishio...”

“Don’t bother,” Nishiki sighed, not wanting to drag this on. “Yomo told me you’ve been coming here for the past few days.”

“Touka...I had to see her.” Ken confessed.

“Yeah, well, you need to stop.” Nishiki warned him, even he looked uneasy telling Ken this news. “I’m not going to give you an explanation, frankly you don’t deserve a fucking explanation, but you have to stay away from her. From here.”

Why?

“It’s safe, Nishio. No one knows I’m--”

“It’s never safe, Kaneki.” Nishiki’s jaw clenched. “Just stay away. If really care about Touka, you’ll stay away.” He repeated before he got up from the table and walked towards the back of the shop. And that’s when Yomo appeared, standing stone-faced by the bar with intentions to physically remove Ken if necessary.

Everyone Ken knew were shunning him.

What the fuck was happening?

It didn’t stop Ken though. After he made sure everyone was gone, he made his move. Yomo and Nishiki had done a good job at keeping Touka away from him, but Ken caught on that she had been working the later shifts.

He waited outside of :re after the shop was set to close. Nishiki had left. Yomo was gone. Touka was left behind.

Ken made his move.

He walked into the shop just as Touka was about to turn around to head out.

She groaned. “We’re close--” But she fell silent when she saw Ken stand before her. Her eyes blinked rapidly.

“Wh--What are you doing here?” She asked completely surprised.

Ken could feel his heart race as he stared at the woman who had been there for his ever changing life and how he wished was a part of his life now.

“I had to see you, Touka-chan.” He let out with a deep exhale. He strode up to her, taking her again by surprised as he had her pinned against the counter. Her backside hit the counter with a thud and her back leaned back slightly as Ken got himself really close to her. He kept a small distance between them, but he desperately wanted to close that tiny gap.

His hands gripped the counter’s edge as he gazed over her stunned, pretty face. She smelled like coffee...

“Sasaki...” Her bright violet eyes were wide and her parted lips quivered in anxiousness. She was completely still, keeping her eyes locked with his.

Did she really not remember him?

“It’s not Sasaki, Touka-chan.” Fuck it. “It’s Kaneki. Ken Kaneki.” But his name did nothing to spark any familiarity in Touka’s eyes.

Ken had thought maybe telling her his name would make her remember, but as he stared into her beautiful, blank eyes, he saw that she was not playing a part like he was. He had lost her.

Tears welled up in his eyes again at the heartbreaking fact that Touka could no longer remember him. The one good thing...the best thing...had been taken away from him.

Had they found her and done something to her? Had they erased her memories?

“Did I know you?” Touka asked him barely above a whisper as she studied his glum face.

I never got the chance to tell you, you were everything to me.

He should have told her then...

“In another life...” Ken let out, giving her a sad smile.

Let her go. This is for the best. You know that.

Ken shut his eyes for just a moment as his mind reminded him why this had to stop before it could even begin. As much as it hurt him and as much as his heart chipped away, he had to let this go.

He leaned in, placing his lips against Touka’s forehead before applying a gentle kiss. Her warmth touching his skin was enough to leave a searing feeling on his lips, like an electric shock that was felt even in his soul.

“Thank you, Touka-chan. Thank you.” Ken whispered against her before tearing himself away from her, his body and heart screaming at him for having done so.

“Kaneki...”

He kept walking.

#touken #kanetou #touken ficlet #touken fic #kaneki x touka #touka kirishima #ken kaneki #my fic #askbox #mimigerb23 #this memory au

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apiaryx · 7 years

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Chapter 143

I honestly don't know what to say about this chapter. I'm stunned, and nauseous and ultimately in disbelief. I want to hope that kaneki will get up. That he'll refuse to die yet again. That he'll finally be able to protect those he loves... But somehow I don't think he will. His final words, before fighting juuzou and hanbee very closely mirror the words he thought to himself through Hide in chapter 75. "Live." When fighting arima, his realization that he hadn't truly lived, the realization that unless he rose up and kept fighting his friends would be slaughtered gave him hope. He had a reason to fight.

Throughout the entire story, kaneki has been struggling for reasons to live. Reasons to eat, reasons to fight, reasons to kill, all of these mark pivotal points in his character, where he reaches a greater understanding of himself and his situation. All of these realizations fuel him to improve, both as a fighter, and as a person. However, he no longer has anything to learn. He's finally happy with his life. Touka, and his child gave him life, and made him content, both with living, and dying. I think that Furuta was correct in deciding that kaneki had reached his peak. Not because he was the best fighter he could be, but because he was at peace.

Some part of me hopes that someone will come swooping in to save him, wither it's urie, and hide, or the mysterious original king. However ultimately, I don't think it will happen. Juuzou was chosen to be the one to surpass arima, and I don't think there are any characters currently in the story which could rival him in strength, save kaneki. There was a hope that perhaps when he realised touka was important to kaneki he would spare her, but the fact that he was willing, and at peace with killing a friend, he called "Haise" gives me very little hope for him.

I've seen a lot of metas comparing juuzou and mutsuki, and how they parallel, showing juuzou as a positive example of what healthy relationships and genuine care and emotional nourishment can do to someone who is broken, and twisted inside, and how those relationships can heal them into someone who is worthy to lead, and be followed. These same examples talk about how mutsuki is an example of what happens when a similarly broken individual is instead manipulated, and pushed deeper into despair by individuals who simply want a loyal puppet. However I think both examples will meet the same end as a puppet. Because as juuzou IS the next arima, he doesn't have the ambitions that arima does. He doesn't have that dream of a more just and bright future. His loyalty and well deserved devotion to a figure he views as his father, are simply strings for a puppet master to play with. We know he's not stupud, rather he's extremely smart. He must know Furuta is not truly a good person. So his choice to value his father over his friends, leads him to become the puppet that arima never could be.

The final question is: is this the end? Ishida has hinted before that Tokyo ghoul will not end in tragedy, however from the start, kaneki's story has been one of tragedy, as It was stated in the first chapter. If the protagonist falls, a new one must rise to take their place. However I'm honestly scared of that. I've spent 300 chapters growing to genuinely love this person. I don't know if I can spend another 300 learning to love someone new. One thing is sure, Ishida is a true master, and regardless if the story ends in hope and despair, I have been honored to journey with him this far.

#ken kaneki #tokyo ghoul #spoilers #tokyo ghoul: re #chapter 143 #tg:re #meta #text #ghoul #suzuya juuzou #furuta nimura #ishida sui #anime #manga #notart

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ghoul-caps · 7 years

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The Kübler-Ross Model and Hair Colours (Part 1/2)

Yo folks, this is a theory/interpretation of Kaneki’s character development compared to the Kübler-Ross Model, or as it is more popular, the 5 Stages of Grief.

I found out that Ken Kaneki’s story greatly coincides with what a regular human goes through when he experiences some form of tragedy (death of a relative, a divorce...). In this case, the tragedy is just TRAGEDY ITSELF, or Kaneki’s transformation into a ghoul.

The Kübler-Ross model consists of the following 5 stages:

1) Denial

2) Anger

3) Bargaining

4) Depression

5) Acceptance

Our beloved protagonist, Ken Kaneki, starts off as a regular college student, “like you could find anywhere”, as he personally says. This black-haired individual, despite the loss of both of his parents and his overall introverted nature, still has his whole life ahead of him. An especially intelligent representative of humanity, who doesn’t even bother that much with the thought of ghouls living among normal people. (Sorry for the “summary”-ish atmosphere, but we have to start somehow xD)

That is, until his life is basically shattered by his assaulter, Rize Kamishiro, and his consequent transformation into a one-eyed ghoul.

Kaneki puts on his medical eye-patch and enters the world of ghouls, but what is more, he goes into Stage 1, Denial.

It can’t be ignored that the most repeated words of his during the initial chapters of the manga are: “No!”, “I am not a monster!”, “I am a human!”. He even goes as far as risking his life by not eating any human meat. However, Yoshimura manages to knock some sense into him (Touka as well, quite literally), and he starts accepting his inevitable fate, his relatively calm life in Anteiku becomes a blessing.

Before we readers reached the Jason-arc of the manga, hair colour never was a symbol or any prominent sign of the mental state of the hero (namely our hero, Mr. Ken). But now, knowing how many times he altered his appearance (mainly his hair colour), we can suggest that his black hair in the beginning, after the kakuhou-transplant, also has some meaning. It may be taken as his inability to accept the change, further implied by the eye-patch motifs, he literally doesn’t want to look at the world through his ghoul eye. He is basically the same person as he was before his ghoulification, that’s what he wants to believe, even doe his physiology does not enable him to continue closing his eyes to the hunger for long.

His transition from Stage 1 to Stage 2 is marked by the emergence of Aogiri Tree on the stage of the manga. A violent organisation of ghouls that do not simply kill to stay alive, they want to achieve complete control over humanity, basically being the dark reflection of himself, that Kaneki avoids. They are everything he doesn’t want to be, they stand against humanity, they hurt others, they do not value their closed ones, they endanger his remaining humanity.

Yakumo Oomori, Jason, is the ideal representative of the organisation, not of its goals, but of their obscure and ghastly aura, that fends off Kaneki so much. When he keeps Ken as his prisoner, he shows him all the brutality that he is capable of. He destroys Kaneki’s peace of mind, and also breaks him physically. However, in the same time, Jason nourishes his ghoul side, almost like molding his own killer. He shows Kaneki how strong his kakuhou-enhanced body is, repeating the motto that the strong rule over the weak, demonstrating how to inflict pain and in fact creating the new image of the enemy for the Post-Aogiri raid Kaneki - the injustice in the world.

Kaneki can no longer endure being a defender of his former self and embraces his ghoul-nature, with the faith that he will be able to control his newly-found powers. Jason’s corpse is lying on the ground and white-haired Kaneki raises victorious. Now the symbolism becomes obvious and people start interpreting it in every way possible, just like I do right now. We enter Stage 2, Anger.

On his journey of achieving his supreme peace (mostly of mind) that he strives for so much, he strays away from Anteiku, his foster home and his safe heaven, that he vows to defend. Touka, the manager and the others that gave him strength during his initial struggles now are the pretext to indulge into self-destructive activities, only to later realise and ponder about their consequences.

The sudden whitening of his hair is not just a physical damage from the torture. It is a reflection of his mind snapping, realistically and metaphorically becoming the opposite of his former black-haired self. He becomes the reason behind many deaths, of ghouls that he believes should be discarded, or should I say, eradicated.

Kaneki’s mental instability increases further and further as the story progresses, with its ultimate peak being the manifestation of his inner fears - Centipede. Literally being one of the torture devices, this persona is a berserk monster, which allows us the see Kaneki in his most vulnerable state (despite the fact that he is using all his powers, like his half-kakuja). His wild anger against the injustice in the world actually turns out to be a mask to hide the regret for not being strong enough before, sorrow for the many losses along the way, even if he was not their direct cause. As Kaneki loses all control over his powers and his straight mind, he detaches from reality and ends up hurting Banjou, the thing that makes him revert back to his calmer self.

Afterwards, during his transition from Stage 2 to Stage 3, he finds temporary peace for himself, engaging in a pursuit of the truth about the world and himself. Kaneki speaks with Yomo, Uta and Yoshimura, learning about their past while trying to find his way and choosing whether or not he should go back to Anteiku.

But just like every person, following the model of the 5 stages, he finds out that life never stops its flow and events continue happening. Nobody waits for you to get over the grief, and the same fate awaits Kaneki.

Ironically, while he is wondering if he should go back to the coffee-shop, it gets attacked. His anger (or actually, his uncontrolled emotions) is bound to be released once again, in what he believes will be his final struggle against his enemies, after which he can rest. Once again, just like a normal human in stage 2, he reckons that his anger and brute force will solve the problems that haunt him. When Kaneki decides to save Irimi and Enji from the CCG, he interrupts their own struggles for self-acceptance and becomes a primary target of the mission - which leads him to his battle with Amon, and then with Arima.

Kaneki has turned the CCG into the enemy he must defeat, just like it was with Aogiri Tree before. However, before him stands Amon, the person that he actually doesn’t want to hurt, and in whom he sees justice itself. The tides have now turned and Kaneki is now part of a silent, yet violent flow of events, he no longer has control and in the end (meanwhile having pulled Amon away from his past life) he arrives in front of Kishou Arima’s garden of corpses.

With the (possible) taste of Hide’s blood in his mouth, Kaneki doesn’t even care to evaluate what is happening right now. Every step he takes is dictated solely by his mindless hope that he can ponder about his misdeeds after he escapes V14. But there stands the Death God, CCG’s Shinigami, the judge who will decide whether he’ll live or not.

As Kaneki almost loses his life in the battle, he realises that his struggle to protect everyone had only ended up creating more chaos. This is why he so calmly accepts his fate and disappears together with the projection of his former self, thus ending his Stage 2 and entering Stage 3, now as Haise Sasaki. The change of name solely implies how big of a change one needs to overcome their violent tendencies and continue their struggle over tragedy in a completely new manner, Bargaining.

I really hope that you enjoyed this read, Part 2 will be posted soon! :P

From Sunhumbird (https://sunhumbird.tumblr.com/)

#tg #tokyo ghoul #Tokyo Kushu #kaneki ken #symbolism #theory time #interpretation #part 1

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gorocult · 7 years

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The One To Give

Hidekane Week 2017 - Day 5 ––– Spice / Ate Too Much / Trick-or-Treating/ Author: ayainu Summary: Haise decides he’d rather be in pain because of knowing instead of being in pain while in confusion and uncertainty. Warnings: angst ig? Kaneki being edgy. Oh light gore Rating: Mature to be safe Title: The One To Give

Accompanying art

Who was it again?

Haise couldn’t remember for the life of him. Some nights he lets his feet roam on their own. Let his muscle memory take him to places his actual memory couldn’t reach.

It was dead in the winter, a quiet chilly February night. Time passed so quickly, he could’ve sworn he was having a Christmas celebration with the QS children just a little time ago.

His lips involuntarily tugged into a smile, recalling Saiko hopping around in her brand new onesie. Shirazu had the stupidest smile on his face. Tooru, ever so sweet and bookish, with the sparkling beauty of an entire galaxy in his eyes as he received his books. Even Urie smiled a little, as stubborn as he was. He should realize soon that his looks were going to be going to waste if he kept scowling like he always did, it was honestly not cute at all.

Alright maybe it was a little charm point of his of some sort, not that Haise was jealous of how cool he always looked or anything.

He finally caught up with reality when the smell of greasy fast food hit him. He was met with a huge sign that read in English block letters ‘BIG GIRL’. The diner was modern looking. When he peaked through the window he noticed the retro western setting and the practically empty place.

He looked at the time on his phone and confirmed that he had indeed been out more than he’d registered. There was one employee left, stacking the chairs over the tables in preparation to close the shop.

Haise didn’t know what overcame him, he didn’t even remember the moments leading up to him pushing the door open and letting himself in.

The waitress turned with a look of pure irritation, but her expression soon melted into confusion and Haise watched as that confusion turned thoughtful and then questioning as she met his eyes once more.

“Sir, are you from around here?”

“Not really.” ‘Not anymore,’ he thought but didn’t say.

“I could swear you look exactly like a regular customer from a few years back..” she sighed, her expression twisting in grief.

“I’m sure you’re mistaken it’s my first time in here,” Haise lied easily, it wasn’t the first time someone recognized ‘him’.

She drew a long breath and let it out in another mournful sigh. “Even the blonde one is gone, both friends just up and ditched me. They used to bring so much energy and joy to this dingy old place.” She removed her apron and draped it over the counter. “Now it just feels lonely without them, it’s not the same here anymore. To think the last time they visited I yelled at them for messing the table with vomit, I didn’t even ask if he was okay..”

“I’m sure he won’t hold it on you, wherever he is.” Haise wanted this conversation to be over, the amount of emotion that stirred after hearing the words blonde and friend weren’t anywhere within his range of comfort.

“You look exactly like him, you have the bad dye job of the idiot flirt though. Reincarnation?” She laughed at her own joke and Haise tried to laugh but what came out was far too much like a choked down sob. Again, the mention of a bad dye job curiously drew emotions from whatever jumbled mess was lying in the darkest corners of his mind.

“Oh where are my manners, sorry for talking for so long about things that you don’t understand, I guess I was just happy to see a familiar face, even if it’s not actually familiar.” Her face flushed in shame.

“No it’s really okay! I’m glad you could get it off of your chest at least?” Haise drew his lips in a pleasant smile. “Haise Sasaki by the way.” He offered his hand.

“Oh, again where have my manners gone?” She laughed. “Oohashi here, Nice to meet you!” She took his hand and shook it a bit too fast.

She was a really cute girl, Haise didn’t even notice in his thought consumed state. “It was nice to meet you too, I guess I’ll see you around, I don’t want to hold you up any more.”

“Oh not at all, see you then!” She gave a pleasant smile and an enthusiastic wave, Haise returned the gesture with a smaller one of his.

He should stop this whole walking around at night thing, nothing good ever came out of it. It just always made him guiltier for existing.

Well at least now he has a place other than that coffee shop to take the QS. Saiko would love this place.

He shook his head and with it all thoughts of the encounter. It just made too much of a mess in his mind, reports painted Kaneki out of be such a heinous fiend, a beast that had no remorse. Yet every time Haise found another fragment of Kaneki he couldn’t tie it to the person the reports were describing. Kaneki was loved, far more than any monster should be. By unmistakeable humans too? It just made no sense how a ruthless demon’s presence could be missed by even a waitress.

He shook his head like a dog until the very last traces of the encounter disappeared, what lingered though, and showed no signs of giving, were the thoughts of an energetic blonde with a bad dye job.

Who was it that loved and loved until there was no more love to give?

Spring came, but April still carried along with it the biting winter wind some nights. The cherry blossoms were set to bloom soon and Haise wanted to go flower viewing with the QS. As Haise let his feet wander at their own free will once more, his mind too awake with thoughts for him to sleep, he noticed that curiously, the breeze that night was warm and gentle, as if it was carrying with it a promise of the summer to come.

He thought of it as a good omen.

On this walk, he found himself in a children’s park, particularly in front of a weathered down old whale hill. He didn’t know if the streetlights were bleaching the color or if the hill had indeed faded to such a light blue.

Haise looked away the second his eyes landed on it. The mess of emotions that overcame him was too much. He learned to categorize ‘his’ pain and this pain was a bad bleach blonde pain.

He sighed, he knew he shouldn’t but he was too curious. What was he to him? What was their relationship? What happened to the blonde?

He had no idea. He could guess but he didn’t want to think about it. His insides were roiling with a storm of emotions with force he’d never felt before. He decided to sit on the whale hill like all his senses were telling him not to. He found himself thinking that it was far better to hurt while remembering than hurt while confused like he was. It was scary but he didn’t want to keep on wondering, not knowing for sure but hurting enough. He wanted to remember, he wanted to remember at least this.

It happened exactly like he imagined it would, he sat on top of the hill and flashes of yellow flickered beneath his eyelids. Not much, not much but enough to make his heart beat out of his chest. To make tears spill over to his cheeks. Whoever this person was he meant more to Kaneki than anyone, more than himself, more than the world. And Haise knew he meant the same to him too.

He took the fact that he was out here looking for the mysterious blonde, wanting to remember him despite the possibility of disappearing himself to heart. He knew that this person was the one who made Kaneki’s heart beat and maybe who made his as well.

As important as his own beating heart, irreplaceable, Haise found himself thinking.

Who was it who gave and gave until there wasn’t anything left to give?

He remembered. He remembered everything. He remembered everything nothing was awful, nothing was what the CCG painted him to be, nothing, nothing but one thing.

One thing made the CCG’s description seem not enough. Not enough to paint how much of a monster he was, not enough to point out everything wrong with him.

‘Yo Kaneki!”

‘That in style these days?’

‘Those injuries look really serious!’

‘Oh I don’t really care about that stuff.”

‘Let’s go home.’

‘One more time.. could fight with all you’ve got?’

‘Eat me, Kaneki.’

Ah. What a fitting end to someone like him.

Hide gave him everything and he ate it all up. He ate it all up until there was nothing left. He ate too much and now there was nothing left. All the love, all the smiles all the warmth, it was all gone. There was nothing left, Kaneki took and took until Hide had nothing left to give and Hide was gone now and all Kaneki had to give were those pitiful tears of his.

So he cried and cried. He cried until there were no more tears left

When he got back up he fought. He fought and fought until there wasn’t anything left to fight for.

He fixed all the wrongs he’d done to others, if he couldn’t fix what he did to Hide at least he could give others what he couldn’t give him. Maybe then his sin wouldn’t weigh as heavily anymore.

He was done. He knew he was. There wasn’t anything to fight for anymore. There wasn’t any reason left to fight, to live. Everyone was happy and he was a living corpse. He’d done everyone’s bidding, he’d done all that he was told to do to be a good person. He wasn’t. He could never be, not when he’d drawn screams out of Hide’s lips, not when he tore meat off of his bones and tears out of his eyes.

So why? Why did a fabrication of his own imagination have such power? Why was it that he wanted to live despite everything? Why was it that he even had the audacity to conjure the person he’d taken everything from to give him even more?

He decided if he was never going to change his disgustingly selfish nature, he might as well dedicate his entire life to erasing any doubts he had.

Being uncertain hurt more than knowing, he knew from experience.

There was, even if it was a fraction, even if it was a fraction of a fraction, still a chance. A very slight one but still one nonetheless. Hide deserved to not be given up on, he deserved so much more and Kaneki was going to give it his all, even more.

Hide deserved at least that.

So he dedicated his entire being to looking for clues, anything that pointed towards the possibility of Hide being alive. Any leads, any connections, anyone involved.

His talk with Takizawa Seidou had been conclusive, Seidou believed with his entire being that a ‘sneaky reptile like Hide wouldn’t just die’.

“That guy, he would never put himself in a situation unless he knew exactly what the outcome would be.”

Amon had also said something fishy, it almost sounded as if he knew where Hide was.

“If you could meet someone you didn’t think you could again, what’d you do?”

Maybe in another reality where he hadn’t decided to do what mattered the most, regardless the pain, he would’ve said he’d be too scared, because it just meant it’s possible to lose them again.

In this reality though, he’d made up his mind, it didn’t matter how much pain he’d be in for now, all he knew was that when he found him nothing else would matter.

“I would give up the world and everything in it to see him again.” Kaneki had replied, simple and honest.

It’d been almost surreal, when Amon led him the day after to an apartment, secluded and quiet, in a ghost neighborhood.

Amon knocked the door and an older man answered, he looked familiar but Kaneki couldn’t quite place where he’d seen him before.

“Marude,” Amon greeted with a nod and Marude started to nod back until he caught sight of Kaneki.

“What is he doing here?” He sounded very angry.

“Marude it’s not either of our places to choose things for them. All I ask of you is to tell him, whatever he decides is what happens.”

The older man sighed but gave in. “Fine, he looks the least bit uncomfortable it’s off, and I don’t care what he says. Those prosthetics aren’t something he can pay for with words.”

“Fine.”

“Amon…” Kaneki’s breath was cold in his lungs, icicles in his throat. The reality of the situation hit him finally. Hide was here, he was really here and he was about to be either rejected or accepted. Was he too late? He hoped not, he really hoped not. “Is he really here…?”

“Yes, he might not be as you remember him but it’s him.”

Before the conversation could carry on any longer a loud clatter came from the inside of the apartment and the sound of footsteps bounding the direction of the door came closer and closer.

The door was torn open and there he stood, panting, eyes wild with confusion and as many emotions as the ones the entire world carried combined. His lips were trembling as his they formed his name in soft whispers.

He looked.. different.

His eyes were sunken and tired, the deep crescents beneath them reminiscent of many sleepless nights. His hair wasn’t a bright blonde any more. It was a chocolate brown, as his roots had been, and it was long, mid-back at least, but it was thin and limp, unlike the voluminous tufts from the past. If Marude hadn’t pointed the fact out beforehand, he wouldn’t have noticed the prosthetic arm. Ah that must’ve been his fault.

“Hide..” he stepped forward and extended his arms but stopped himself one second short. He couldn’t just take, he’d promised.

Hide, to his surprise, closed the distance without missing a beat, and buried his face in Kaneki’s shoulder.

Hide was different, but he was as warm as ever. And in that moment, with Marude glaring at him behind Hide and Amon’s eyes boring into the back of his head, he vowed that this time he’d be the one to give. His time, his love, his care and his life. He’d give them all up if it meant this time he’d be the one to make Hide happy.

#hidekaneweek #hidekane #hidekaneweek2017 #day 5 ate too much #tg #Tokyo ghoul #Haise sasaki #Kaneki ken #hideyoshi nagachika #takizawa seidou #amon koutarou #marude itsuki #fic #fanfic #fan fiction #angst #angst with a happy ending #mentioned qs #aya writes

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linkspooky · 7 years

Text

Touka Kirishima and the Rotting Womb

The two biggest pieces of evidence for what is next about to happen to Touka lies in the colored cover art for this chapter of Tokyo Ghoul, and a poem translated by michi here [x] attached to the Yomo, Touka and Ayato birthday art.

Starting with the art, the most immediate eye catching area is Touka’s bloodied stomach.

Blood on the stomach is typically a feminine symbol, it does not have to necessarily mean being stabbed through the stomach. It could also mean menustruation and miscarriage, however, what comes to mind with deliberately invoking a symbol of miscarriage on Touka is what miscarriage means in a literal sense “A new life being cut short.”

Returning to the top of the image, those are white sakura blossoms with the phrase “Bloom for me, a flower of my own.”

Cherry or Sakura blossoms in japanese culture have a lot of meanings, but the most relevant to the situation is this one:

Cherry blossoms are a symbolic flower of the spring, a time of renewal, and the fleeting nature of life. Their life is very short. After their beauty peaks around two weeks, the blossoms start to fall. [x]

This meaning of a “beautiful life cut short” could possibly apply to Touka if there were upcoming danger to her, or even to her and Kaneki’s relationship if their sudden chance at growth was taken away by Mutsuki’s interference. For example in the film 5 cm per second, cherry blossoms were used to symbolize a promising new relationship cut short.

Touka’s even referred to within this same chapter as beautiful, once again.

One thing I will note though is that the words:

“Bloom for me, a flower of my own”

Become foreboding if you realize that flowers in Tokyo Ghoul, and especially flowers blooming have always been a shorthand symbol for blood splatter and tragedy.

They were used here:

and here:

finally here:

Finally though, to the poem. The birthday poem written by Ishida is entitled: “ Her womb smelled like it was burnt.”

Which goes along nicely with the miscarriage and feminine symbolism already being associated with Touka in this image. A lot of the allusions described in this poem also correspond to events that have been happening recently in canon.

To the point where I am now convinced that the narrator of the poem rather than Kaneki, is Touka herself.

The children who were meant to be born, died. The vision of the future convulses. Someone declared that they’ll crush only half of the broad bean. The gene is in a severe bipolar state. The nucleic acid sequence having no recollection of its own actions.

The children who were meant to be born could be referring to the ghouls from Aogiri. Touka herself is witness not only to ghouls and children being born into this world dying early, even herself being subjected to violence early as a child as CCG officers tried to kill her.

Someone declared they will only crush half the broad bean is Kaneki. It’s two of his most famous lines combined together “I’ll only half kill you” and “I’ll pluck the rotted beans.”

The gene is in a severe bipolar state is also Kaneki, somebody who switches haphazardly between his ghoul and human sides even though he claims to be a person who can see both humans and ghouls. Bipolar is usually associated is Bipolar Manic Depression the mental illness, but the root of the word means “Two poles” or two opposite ends.

The nucleic acid sequence having no recollection of its own actions, that’s Haise. He had the same body as Kaneki, and the same mismatch of DNA, however he could not remember what it was he had done and Touka had to witness him in his memoryless state.

All of the fingers that were supposed to be connected from start to end, are scattered around; it’s annoying.

If you look closely at the knot, you can see that it can be surprisingly easy to untie.

This is referring to Touka’s family itself, even the threadbare remaints of it, Yomo, Ayato and herself she has a difficult time trying to keep them all together. All Touka wants is for the people to love to stay around and love her in return, and she feels also that her family should have stuck around, it should have been simple but actually the ties of family aren’t so binding and they easily unwind, both Ayato and Yomo left her at different points.

I was always asked to keep the switch.

Go forward. Go back. Stop.

I can hear my voice from the mouth. That voice gave me a feeling of discomfort and it had become extremely disgusting but, no one noticed that and everyone was under the impression that it was indeed, my voice.

This is the three years of waiting Touka did. ‘Asked to keep the switch’ could refer to Touka having to host Re: and sit back and wait as the rendezvous point for both Ayato and Kaneki to eventually return to while they were allowed to move brashly ahead on their own. Even after they return though, Touka is still asked to hang back and monitor communications rather than allowing her to fight in the field.

The result is a Touka who acts much differently from the Touka we know today, and Kaneki even comments as such. The person who could act decisively and boldly for herself, the one who was always moving ahead of him scared him. It sounds a bit different to the Touka we know now in :Re who is acting as an advice dispenser and a passive source of guidance, standing in the place of Yoshimura.

The Touka that years of loneliness and abandonment has been conditioned into this current state.

Everybody accepts this change in Touka, but does Touka herself accept it? She’s at least still disatisfied with having to hang back, telling both Ayato and Kaneki when they tried to leave her out of critical moments to protect her that they didn’t need to.

Sin is irresponsible. I’m getting tired of being forgiven. My shoulders have even forgotten about my legs.

I open the door with the side of my arm.

The path that I should’ve advanced in is gone and darkness pulled onto the horizon that lay right beneath it.

This is another direct reference, when Touka was in the doorway with Yomo, Yomo explained to her that Koma and Irimi needed to die because their sins were unforgivable, but at the same time she countered why were her sins forgiven then?

“Come on, come on! Come on, come on!”

Go forward. Go back. Stop.

I can hear my voice from the bones.

“Did you know that our voice is the mixed voices from dad and mom? No wonder it’s so disgusting.”

The last part is Touka in reference to her father. Touka’s always had complex feelings about Arata, but lately she has been turning away from him entirely because she sees his decisions as what led to her abandonment.

Touka does not want to acknowledge the actions of a man who fought for a mother she barely remembers, a mother who died because of murders she did a long time ago. Despite not choosing to be, she was born a ghoul who carries the sins of those two previous ghouls as well. Touka’s always dealt with self disgust for being born a ghoul, and also her own actions.

I pinched my nose and jumped down without a pause. Just like how a child would when jumping into a pool.

Even the never-stopping rain, even the never-breaking night, even the never-ending agony.

It’s surely there, it’s just that it wasn’t there until now.

Falling down, falling down. It’s as if right has become left.

And on the brink of collision, I recall Björk’s song,

I think this is where we are at at the poem, Touka has dived in by basically lying it all bare in front of Kaneki. Approaching the point of collision could be Mutsuki, a final collision between those two plot lines.

As for a Bjork song, most assume that song is Hyperballad, the song played during the New Year’s livestream. The lyrics are a bit abstract, but basically it is about a girl throwing away things off a mountain, pieces of herself so she can be happy with someone else. At some point in the song she also considers throwing herself off of the mountain too.

I follow with my eyes 'til they crash Imagine what my body would sound like Slamming against those rocks When it lands Will my eyes Be closed or open?

I go through all this Before you wake up So I can feel happier To be safe up here with you [x]

I would say all of this foreshadowing at least points to Touka’s dissatisfaction and possibly the confrontation causing her to lose consciousness. She might even throw herself in front of Kaneki to protect him, since the person in the poem and the song both willingly throw themselves.

In conclusion though, what does a rotting womb mean in association with Touka? It means that new life that could be born from her, has suddenly hit a stopping point and that stagnation is causing her to rot. What that could mean in literal terms though, we’ll have to see as the events unfold.

#meta #tg meta #touka kirishima #kaneki ken #tokyo ghoul re #tokyo ghoul #tokyo ghoul theory

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surgeon-apprentice · 3 years

Text

Haise waved off the new costumer in their new outpost after giving the old woman cough drops, business even as Asanoha and herself move around somehow remained stable.

She closed the front door and headed over to the kitchen to brew some chocolate and make some snacks, the antidote candies in a jar remained untouched in the corner of her makeshift office table.

The back door opened with the littlest noise but Haise's tuned ears pick up on it, she whirled around and threw a custom knife similar looking to Nubari(?) With a hilt. It hits the wood beside the intruder like an arrow shot into a wall, and to her chagrin it was just Asanoha; she got worked up for nothing.

"Please note to knock whenever you enter the back door." She sighed and refused to falter when the said woman scowled.

"Your reflexes are improving, good." Asanoha remarked and tiredly made a beeline towards a nearby sofa. Haise immediately set to work, closing the back door, removing the defense purpose knife and pouring chocolate in a cup.

She arranged the colorful array of snacks creatively and served them to Asanoha.

She heard a quiet "thank you" in response, and she smiled as she took out a first aid kit and tended to the scratches Asanoha had gained from a job; she does not question where it came from unless it's life threatening.

She knows the woman cannot be idle; so can't she, she can't go on a day without concocting something, either a poison or a cure.

"You're very much welcome."

@yuki-no-hate

#yuki no hate #behaviours #«A peak into Haise's life»

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toukaisbetterthanyou · 7 years

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Mods don't make me pull it out of you, how does Haise react when he finds out the baby is his? What if he finds that out while in his black reaper phase?

Mod K:

We wrote an entire au on that concept, here’s a sneak peak, aaaaye.

“Kazuki, stop hitting him!” The boy gives him a mischievous smile and flicks Toya’s forehead, making the boy whimper.

“What am I going to do with you both?” She asks, annoyed. “You’re twins – you should be nicer to each other!” She says, sighing tiredly. Was it some kind of rule that children with Kirishima blood couldn’t along? At least when she and Ayato were children, there had been no real problems between them.Toya and Kazuki had been fighting since the moment they left the womb.“He started it!” Toya complains, lips trembling.“I know,” Touka says, giving Kazuki a withering look while the boy smiles innocently at her.None of them notice the tall figure, dressed in black entering the coffee shop, but she hears the door ring.She smiles as she turns around, “Welcome to –”Her words die.

There stands the man, she had not seen in months. W-Why was he here now? She had worked hard to make sure the boys never saw him and he never saw the boys.“Welcome to Re,” she gives a shaky, strained smile. “It’s been some time since I’ve seen you here, sensei.”It didn’t matter. If she pretended to not know him, then he can still enjoy his normal life. The boys look curiously at the man and try to hop off the counter. Touka scolds them, putting them down and telling them to go upstairs. But nether listen as they run forward to interact with the new guest.“Welcome to Re, mister!” Kazuki chirps, “we’ll be your waiters today. Would you like to take Toya home with you so I can be an only child?”

Touka groans, laughing nervously as she gives Kazuki a look that says he was getting a scolding later. Toya gasps in hurt and runs into his mother’s arms for comfort.

Kazuki shrugs and brings out his crayon and baby notepad. “So that’s a coffee?”

Ken looks stunned, looking at the child in front him. The same child that looks so much like him. The other one resembles Touka – and his suspicions are confirmed by her reaction. She’s trying to hide it, but she’s nervous. She hadn’t wanted him to see the boys.He forces a smile, kneeling in front of the child with the wild black hair.So much like him –“A coffee sounds wonderful,” he says, “Black, no sugar,” he says, watching as the boy, who Touka called Kazuki began scribbling it down on his tiny, colorful notepad.“Right away, sir!” He says, running back to his mother and handing her the notepad.“He wants a coffee, mama!” He giggles, holding his arms up. Sighing, she also picks him up on her other hip, holding him close. She places both boys back on the counter. “Let me make it, then,” she says, trying to avoid Ken’s gaze. He knows, she thinks to herself. She knew that look anywhere. She frowns as she begins preparing the coffee. Did he remember?

The boys share a look as their mama prepares a cup for the new guest. They were both very observant kids despite being so boisterous and opposite in personalities.

Touka gives them their coloring sets and tells them to busy themselves with that while she finishes up her work.

She didn’t want to think of the possibility that his memories returned. Was that the reason for his change? She didn’t want to see him hurting – but a selfish part of her wanted him back too.

“Here you are, sensei,” she places the cup down in front of him. “Enjoy.”

“Were you ever going to tell me?” He asks, just as she’s turned her back on him. “About your sons.”

She doesn’t expect his question and knows how to answer it even less. Was he asking her as Haise or as Kaneki.

“I’m–”

“That night - before the raid –”

Her eyes round in surprise. “So you do remember, -- ”

#asks #replies #anons #headcanons #fanfic #touken #Anonymous

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