hahahah i'm losing my mind ??????

so two very cool things are true right now which are :

- in twelve days my best girl will have existed in some form for an entire year - i'm about to be able to say there are officially HUNDREDS of you here ???? like as in the plural form ??????

neither of these things make any sense to me , but since both are true i figured it would be a good time to do what i guess is a little follow forever type thing. SO. here are some of the people who have helped emma grow and develop and also helped me grow and develop as a person and as a writer 🤍

-------------------------- ★ ---------------------------

@dalphahale : honestly a day one bc i didn't really do very much with emma until around march i think and that's around when we started writing if i'm not mistaken ?? one of the best / most show accurate dereks i've ever come across and one of the best people too !!!! you're an incredible writer and honestly a saint in human form for putting up with me ooc lmao it's an honor to bless your dms every day with the most random and chaotic messages and thoughts and only be a LITTLE bit judged for it 😂 derek and emma are one of the most adorable ships i've ever seen and derek and allison are iconic as well i just think you're the bee's knees okay you're stuck with some form of my chaos indefinitely i fear 🤷‍♀️

@stanfordprepped : jared. JARED. another og and one of my best friends in the rpc. samemma is so unbelievably iconic and i'm so amazed and proud of everything that's come from them and from us writing together and from you in general i'm SO excited about charlotte's development and about samlena and about just all of our dynamics ahhhhh you are so unbelievably strong and talented and you deserve every good thing in the entire world bc the love and respect that you hold for others even on your worst days is so admirable i can't even fathom it sometimes.

@multi-royalty : MADDIE MY BELOVED i ????? owe so much of everything i've accomplished this year to you 😭🙏 you not only pulled me back when i was debating whether or not to even continue writing , but helped to develop some of my most cherished muses and threads and plots and headcanons. you're the sweetest little bean in the entire world and i can't even begin to thank you for everything you've done for and with me and the light that you bring to this community even when you can't see it 🤍

@guiltye : bitch i'll yell FOREVER at and about you are you kidding ????? your writing gives me literal chills and the plots that we have are some of the deepest most complex and incredible dynamics i've ever been a part of. you've been through so much this year and kicked ass until you got to the other side and still managed to help ME through so much too and i'm sure so many others and i just adore you okay i live for all lilly content but especially your ooc posts bc i just think your brain is so neat and i love getting to glimpse into it sometimes you're just incredible 🥹🤍 ps thank u for letting me yell about noah kahan without abandon and getting in ur feelings about him with me lol

@boundforhale // @stilesstylelinski : obviously i had to put y'all together you can't split up the gremlins okay. i love you both so much and i actually can't even begin to describe how much you guys have helped me this year both to be a better writer and to get through so many rough patches irl. i'm still not entirely convinced that australia is real but if it DOES exist i will not rest until i can fly there and we can all meet at a central location and proceed to just implode the whole universe with the sheer chaos and buffoonery. y'all are actually family at this point i don't know what i would do without you fr

@carp3diems : LISTEN HERE BITCH bff bestie angel i love you to pieces and if you ever leave me again i'll riot !!!! you're genuinely one of the coolest people i've ever met and i love all of our dynamics so damn much but what we've created with colbemma is just so insane and incredible and i know i just screamed about this in the dms but i genuinely cannot believe they started out hating each other lmao they're truly iconic and i can't wait to see how they continue to grow and thrive and also how YOU continue to grow and thrive

@redhoodiskra : A. you are an actual ray of sunshine and so incredibly talented and WAY TOO HARD ON YOURSELF and completely amazing and fantastic and i just love you a lot !!!! stiles and emma and the little family they've created make my heart so happy and so do all of our other dynamics !!!! we haven't written much on @westwingsolo yet and we absolutely should change that bc i'm in awe of you and your writing and the creativity you bring to your muses they're both so special and you can 100% see the love you've put into both.

i wish i could write everyone a little message but here are some more lovelies that you should absolutely go follow !!!! a lot of them have other pages with more incredible muses as well 🤍

@fuckmeupindie , @hellgiven , @gunchamber , @ofcrxwns , @escapedfromthevoiid , @ruinedmyself , @goldenboybarracuda , @delicatestm , @sarcasticsnackpack , @fidelissimi , @ofblackskies , @ratkiing , @snnydcys , @flamefallen , @impurc , @clockturned , @r4chelamber , @unbearablyindifferent , @mystictragedies , @conradfish3r , @jimh9334 , @jchnwinchester , @qapsiel , @thornstocutyouwith , @unitcd , @surgcns , @localsalt , @mecwmellc

For the character ask game: could I please have 2, 5, 12, 18, 24 about Nathan (Seymour, lol 😉)? 💖

AHHHH YES! Sorry I only teared up twice answering these. also take a shot every time I use the word "iconic" because seriously they absolutely are (also alternating between she and they pronouns because that is how she exists in my brain fja;owejf):

2. Favorite canon thing about this character? Yes. All of the above. OKAY as true as that is, really? The vibes are immaculate. The aesthetic, the attitude, the style, hell- even the Dominoes Sponsorship /j Everything about Nathan is just chef's kiss. I love how they are just unapologetically themselves. Like UEGH even in… the Rising movie when they're going through that dream/memory/nightmare sequence and then snap out of it at the end by like hugging that younger version of them. Like it legit makes me tear up cause I see it as… Nathan being the version of herself that she needed back then. To just show herself a little bit of self-love. And it's just beautiful to me! Nathan Seymour is beautiful inside and out for real.

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about this character? SAME AS YURI I'M SO SORRY-- THE FIRST THOUGHT WAS "GIRL IS ON FIRE" I promise I understand fire motif characters have more depth and that I'm just a slut for Alicia Keys, but TBH it completely fits Nathan a whole lot better. "So bright, she can burn your eyes, better look the other way. You can try, but you'll never forget her name." Also "She got her head in the clouds, and she's not backing down." Like not to talk about Sky High but like! Sorry I'll just never get over her riding on Sky High's shoulders as he flies around okay.

12. What is a headcanon you have for this character? I'm not too sure how much of this is actually considered a headcanon but I definitely believe that Nathan and Kotetsu have had a fling before. Super casual, no hard feelings afterwards, just a super cute temporary fling. A flame, if you will xD Like, maybe they one of them needed a date for a wedding or a plus one to some fancy event and they just had a really really good time. It's silly but their friendship just means a lot to me yes.

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire? What if I sat here and sobbed about Fire Emblem and Sky High for ten years? What if I laid on the ground and made you a sweater of my tears? Like not even just because FireSky is a top-tier ship for me romantically but like? Even just their partnership as buddy heroes is just so wonderful and wholesome like. I love that in their episode in season 2, their "conflict" is… Thinking the other one is too perfect. And too good. That's just? It's so sweet and I can't handle it. They're so different from each other but in the best way possible. Like peanut butter and jelly. Different but they go together so so so well. Nathan is sassy and fierce while Keith is golden retriever goober man. They compliment each other so so well. One day I will finally finish (start) the one shot idea I have for them but sadly I fail at completing things fjao;efi

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them? This is hard because Nathan is so freaking iconic but like…. if I had to pick one out….. Okay same as the last ask I'm having such a hard time but! If I had to shove them into another fandom that I love, I think they would fit So well into Ace Attorney (Imagining her as a witness or even a guest prosecutor would just be so much fun) or into Jojo's BIzarre Adventure, Part 6 Specifically (I would just love to see them interact with some of the Stone Ocean ladies.)

au where five found out about vanya's powers in the apocalypse? Like maybe he found Reggie's book or he saw the eyes of vanya's corpse?

oh man like. that would be interesting to be sure, if Five managed to find Reginald’s book in the apocalypse

(He doesn’t read it at first, not for a few months after he finds it. He opened to the page that detailed Reginald’s experiments with how long Deigo could hold his breath in clinical unfeeling words and has to put it away while he breathed - not too deeply though, he didn’t want to breathe in more ash than necessary)

But he eventually does. He sits Dolores up and rages and vents to her, cursing Reginald’s name with every new sordid detail, every new terrible sin he now knows to hurl at Reginald’s feet. He reads no great loss under his section and he’s too dehydrated to weep but something breaks inside his chest nevertheless

(He’d never thought that dad loved them, not really. He might have hoped, back when he was little but he knew better now. He was thirteen, old enough to know better. But he’d at least thought that dad found them useful. 

Five had tried to hard, trained so much, been so adaptable. Even then he was no great loss.)

Five finds out from Reginald’s book about Ben’s death. Cold words that describe the way his brother died. Reginald seemed to care more about Ben’s death than Five’s presumed death, but that could be becuase Ben’s power was always bigger than Five’s. More violent. More efficient. Of course Ben was a greater loss, Five’s power wasn’t even inherently useful for fighting.

(Klaus’s power wasn’t useful for fighting either. Reading Dad’s dismissive words calling Klaus a failure makes him bristle. Reading about Reginald locking Klaus away in the mausoleum for days make Five want to hurl the book against the wall.)

Finding out about Vanya is - it’s weird. Vanya was always so ordinary. He loved her of course, for fucks sake he was the only one who cared to interact with her half the time. He loves all of his siblings but he has no illusions about how casually cruel they could be to one another.

But he reads about her powers and clenches his fists and wonders what Reginald would have done if Five had stayed, if Five had kept on his path of rebellion. Would Reginald have drugged him, too?

(Reginald had the power to take their powers away. Five wonders what Klaus thought when he found out, if he had cursed and sworn and raged at the man who watched his son suffer and turn to drugs to deal with seeing things no child should ever see. Reginald had the power to help, and he tortured Klaus instead.)

Because - of course Five assumes that they know. He reads Vanya’s books as well when he comes across it, tucking it into his wagon. He wonders when the truth came out, because the rage that drips from those pages is very real. Vanya doesn’t mention her powers in the book of course, but she would have been what, in her 20s when she wrote it? 

Vanya said in her book that she left home at 18, which means she’s had years to get the drugs out of her system and discover what their father had taken from her. Did she think that they knew? That they had kept it from her? Is that why the pages of her book drip with bone deep hurt, making Five’s fingers shake with the ache of them

(Or it could be the hunger, a now constant companion)

Five keeps both books close, even though he wants to vandilize Reginald’s book half the time. It’s strange to see the insight on them and their powers from the perspective of a scientist, odd to see the written results of the torture they went though

(He almost rips the page on the effects of electricity on his warping powers out on principle, but he just ends up curled around Dolores as he trembles involuntarily at the memories)

Five has so few belongings when he is recruited to the Commission, or at least has very few personal ones. He leaves Dolores behind in the apocalypse with a heavy heart but she’s too big to take with him. Too big to hide.

(Five always learned to only take what you can hide, because what you can’t hide will always be used against you.)

He tucks Reginald’s notebook in the waistband on his pants, the hard edges against his back a constant almost reassuring pressure. Vanya’s book gets pushed into one of his deep pockets. The glass eye gets shoved into his sock the same way he used to hide scavenged bills and quarters he would then place beneath the floorboards of his room

(He wonders absently if his money stash was ever found, but it doesn’t really matter now does it?)

He goes through the Commission with the knowledge that he has a bomb hidden away. As much as he keeps the notebook around out of a sense of sentiment he knows he doesn’t want it to fall into the hands of the commission, doesn’t want them to have this dissection of his powers on hand

(he has so little of his siblings left, just the bitter words of Reginald and Vanya both - the irony is that no matter how much Vanya extolled being excluded she had constantly been by Reginald’s side to write down observations, listening to his words, by his side more than any of them. sometimes he reads Vanya’s vicious words and hears the echo of their father in them. It makes sense. He still hates it, just a little bit)

He writes his equations into Vanya’s book instead of Reginald’s. He doesn’t like to read the red book, only opens it to look at the photos included so that he won’t forget what his siblings look like, tries to ignore the words that detail exactly how much force it takes to pop Luther’s bones out of his oh-so-durable joints

He solves them one day, or at least comes close. Closer than he ever had before, and he figures why not? Time for another little experiment. Who knows? Maybe he’ll add this one to dad’s book.

He pushes, and pushes, and then he falls and he’s in a courtyard he hasn’t seen in decades staring at people he hasn’t spoken to in just as long. He looks at them all with wide eyes

(He looks at Allison and hears his father’s clipped tone stating how Allison in improving at overriding survival instincts, he looks at Luther and hears Vanya’s childish voice accusing him of caring more about being a hero than anything else in his life, including his family, he looks at Klaus and sees a face covered in ash and blood with unseeing eyes)

He looks down at himself and sees smaller hands with smoother skin, absent of the burn marks from the variety of fires he’d set in the apocalypse, absent of the crooked knuckles from when he’d crushed two fingers in some rubble trying to get to a can of food, absent of the cracked and brittle nails from malnutrition and food issues

“Shit.” He says, with feeling.

He can feels the press of the glass eye against his leg, the solid weight of Vanya’s book in his pocket, the edges of Reginald’s notebook digging into his skin as he hauls himself off the ground and into a standing position.

They have a family meeting in the kitchen.

Sort of. Five flits about, snagging bread and peanut butter and marshmallow fluff from the cupboard to make himself a sandwich, trying to avoid looking too desperately eager. He hasn’t had his favorite food in so long that the anticipation is actually insane.

“What’s the date?” Five asks, and learns that he doesn’t actually have all that long until the end of the world. But hey, it’s doable. Probably. Unless the reason the world ended was like, political nuclear war or something? But there would probably be survivors of that somewhere, so it was more likely something bigger scale.

(It has to be something he can stop, or this was all for nothing. He refuses to believe he doesn’t have a chance.)

“Cool, so like, the world is ending.” Five says, because why the fuck not? He has all his siblings in one room (except Ben, he has failed Ben, will always have failed Ben because he’s a coward who couldn’t return to a time when Reginald Hargreeves was alive) and he has Reginald and Vanya’s words pressed into his brain, “We have eight-ish days to fix that.”

“Five, what the hell are you talking about?” Luther demands.

Five waves his hand, “Dad sucked, I time-travelled, the end is nigh. I figured even you could grasp that.”

(His eyes ghost over Luther, skittering about the room. He can’t look at Luther’s body without remembering the cruel diagrams pain stakingly inked into the book as Reginald grumbled about failed experiments.)

“You went to the future?” Diego says, voice full of doubt that make his voice harsh. It’s so much deeper than when Five left, no more of the cracks of puberty.

“No shit.” Five says, and he’s so tired. “I was in that hellscape for forty-five years.”

“Forty-five years?” Diego squawks, as though he’s personally offended.

“That would make you... fifty-eight?” Luther’s voice also has doubt in it, and Five can’t really blame him looking at his squishy little barely teenage body.

“Dad was right,” Five manages to get out without gritting his teeth, “Time travel is a crapshoot and sometimes your body does fun and wacky things on you, blah blah blah trees and acorns.”

“Prove you’re from the future!” Klaus demands, eyes bright as he leans across the table, “What’re the lotto numbers, baby brother?”

“I think they’re ‘fuck you the world had already ended by the time I ended up stuck there,’ Klaus.” Five says, mock thoughtfully before tearing off a chunk of his sandwich.

It tastes like ash and peanut butter. Only Five’s genuine trauma regarding food waste and the fact that most things tasted like ash in the apocalypse have him still chewing his food and swallowing.

“Rude.” Klaus says, making a ‘blat’ noise in disappointment.

“Dad’s rich as fuck, wasn’t him kicking the bucket essentially like winning the lottery?” Five points out, and this time it is Luther squawking at him in disapproval.

“Don’t talk about Dad like that!” He demands, and Five has some more uncharitable thoughts about the way Luther’s arms flex just a little unnaturally underneath that big trenchcoat.

“I like this version of Five better.” Klaus declares, looking like Christmas has come early.

“Dad was murdered and you guys don’t even care.” Luther spits out, looking very offended.

“You were murdered and I care very much about that.” Five retaliates, and the entire kitchen goes quiet.

“Can you elaborate a little, Five?” Allison says, ever the diplomat.

(That’s a lie. Allison started more fights than Diego, probably. She just got caught way less often.)

“Well. I mean, I dunno if murdered is the right word considering everyone was dead. You might have just been collateral damage, who knows? Does murder imply intent?”

“Everyone was dead?” Vanya says, voice very quiet.

Five shrugs, then nods, then shrugs again. He doesn’t like thinking about it. “Yeah, but that’s not going to happen this time.”

“I don’t have time for this nonsense.” Luther mutters, and Five valiantly tries to ignore him. 

“Five, are you - are you sure you’re alright?” Vanya’s voice wobbles and she looks like she wants to reach out and hold him or something ridiculous like that. She looks at him with big sad brown eyes, “Dad did say that time travel could... mess with you a little.”

Allison nods and oh, Five does not have time for this bullshit. 

“I have proof.” He says, and he reaches back and pulls out Reginald’s red notebook and slams it onto the table.

“Is that Dad’s - ” Luther cuts himself off, looking at the notebook with wide eyes.

It is very clearly beaten up to hell and back. Ash has stained the edges of the pages grey and there may or may not be a gouge across the front from a near miss with a bullet while working at the commission. It is a book that has clearly been through hell.

Five also dig’s Vanya’s equally beaten up book from his pocket to dump on the table as well, equally stained with ash and barely held together after being read over and over again for decades, including being used as a notebook in the final years.

(Vanya lets out a little gasp, hand flying up to her mouth with the knowledge that at least one of her siblings read her book. Certainly not the one she thought it would be.)

Five reaches into his sock to pull out the glass eye triumphantly, setting it down on his small stack of treasures.

“What the fuck?” Diego is the one to ask.

“If I time travelled from that day in 2002 to right now, how the fuck would I have Vanya’s book?” Five says triumphantly, “It came out in 2015.”

“Why do you have an eye?” Allison sounds slightly horrified.

“It’s the key to figuring out who caused the apocalypse.” Five says, turning it over in his hands, “It’s gotta have something to do with it at least.”

“Why does he have Dad’s notebook?” Luther demands, sounding equally outraged.

“Found it.” Five shrugs, like the little scavenger he is.

(Emphasis on little. His suit still almost fits, and reading the numbers in Reginald’s notebook versus seeing how fucking tall all his siblings got in person is frankly unfair.)

“Oh my god, okay.” Allison says, throwing her hands up in the air like they’re all nuisances. It’s a familiar Allison look, and Five actually feels a little soothed by the memory. “So the world is ending, Five is back from the dead, and our only clue is a goddamn eye?”

“I was never dead.” Five points out, “But basically, yeah.”

“I don’t have time for this, I have to get back to my daughter.” Allison says, shaking her head.

“I mean if you want Claire to live I would think stopping the apocalypse would kind of be a priority.” 

This draw Allison to a halt from where she’d been gathering herself to leave, “You... know her name?”

Five makes the executive decision to not mention the torn out magazine cover featuring his sister and niece that is pressed between some of the pages in Reginald’s journal. “I’d like to meet her one day.”

Just like that, Allison has been won over.

“Do you think it has something to do with whoever murdered Dad?” Luther asks seriously, even if the question makes Diego groan like this is an argument they have had before.

“Who knows?” Five shrugs, “But if we’re splitting into investigation teams, I call Vanya.”

Vanya startles from where she has been sitting quietly, “Me?” She asks, eyes wide.

“Yeah.” Five nods, “I mean, with Ben gone you’re probably the team’s heaviest hitter.”

“What?” Several voices ring out in confusion.

Five blinks, a little confused himself. Unless - “Wait, did you never train your powers?”

“Five,” Vanya says slowly, like she’s explaining a simple concept to a particularly dim child, “I don’t have powers.”

This was - this was unexpected. Why did he not think of this explanation? It’s just - he has now known about Vanya’s powers for like way longer than he hasn’t. It’s almost second nature to think of Vanya as having powers by now. And she doesn’t know.

“Oh boy.” He says, picking up Reginald’s notebook, “This debriefing may take a bit longer than I first thought. Oh, and at some point we should probably cut the tracker out of my arm as well.”

“The what out of your what?”

Yeah the day doesn’t really get much better from there.

Okay okay, now I have time. Ranking is on how well I'd get along with them.

Sans: 9/10 because of white chocolate. Seriously when you said white chocolate peanut butter cups I gagged. But on the plus side he will eat any white chocolate I get so I don't feel bad about throwing it out. Small friendly lazy friend, possibly something more. I too fall asleep with cuddles. But don't call me kid.

Papyrus: honestly 5/10. He ain't bad! He's cool! But I don't think we'd have much chemistry friend or more. Just waving as we pass by eachother and a few greetings or small questions. Not sure how to end conversations.

Star: 6/10. I feel like I could actually talk with him occasionally because of his charisma, but for the same reason I personally wouldn't get too close because I can never tell when super charismatic people are lying vs being honest. Sorry star! It's me, not you.

Honey: 7/10 I'd feel like we'd get along pretty well, but it would require some kind of catalyst to get there. 50/50 on if it would every be anything more than friends

Red: 7/10, I'm probably be on the fence of hanging out with him until I saw him being buddies with oak and then I'd know he's cool. 50/50 relationship potential

Edge: 5/10 I like him but we are in two different places. I would try to at least be on his good side, though. Probably wouldn't attempt unless we frequently met up for some reason.

Mal: 4/10 a little envious of his confidence but my brain would get too insecure around him. He cool. But we probably wouldn't be friends.

Cash: 5/10 he's alright but like Papyrus I don't think we'd every have a reason to interact. I will watch him pull pranks, but I do not want to get on his radar.

Oak: another 9/10. I feel like he would be harder to approch but the moment he tells a pun or a small puppy comes up to him I am pulled like a magnet. However I do want kids (I'm sorry, oak, it already happened) so he'd either have to get over that if we'd ship. I'm fine managing it myself. I do totally relate with some memory issues as I have face blindness so maybe we can share tips

Willow: 7/10 he cool. We have a lot in common! Too much in common. We could either help eachother or stress eachother out and I don't know which way it would go. Also his dog is scary.

Lord: 5/10. He's okay. I'd be friends with him but his conspiracies would have me worried about what other things he believes if I don't know him well enough and I might not do so because of that. Eh. 10% dating potential because he's thoughtful.

Mutt: 3/10. Nothing against him but the moment he realizes I don't read books for fun I think it's gonna be weird. I'd support him by buying his books but I would never read them, no matter how critically acclaimed it is.

Wine: 4/10 again I don't think our personalities would ever get the opportunity to get to know eachother, he's fine but I am not fashion. I own one pair of heels and I will not own more. I am looking respectfully at his kissing, though. Perfect domestic kisses thumbs up.

Coffee: 8/10. We will communicate by leaving small gifts for eachother. Pumpkin spice season will arrive and we will thrive together. 40% chance of romance he may be too similar. Bestie material.

Charm: 7/10 I think we'd be friends without benefits. I don't mind the topic of flirting but I'm also not 'bothered' by it.

Sugar: 7/10 because I'd like hanging out with him but I also can't relate to the hopeless romantic side of him so relationship def wouldn't work. Also ace.

Pluto: 5/10. Again! He's great! Just like Papyrus! I dunno. I don't have the same interests and... Oh okay, he's floating away again, bye

Jupiter: 3/10 too loud too much energy. I'm sure you're great just not for me even as friends

Pop: 8/10 I relate to him, especially the introvertness. I will leave him sticky notes near the vents. We will be pen pals.

Rhythm: 7/10 he is very impressive and passionate! But also too charismatic for me and also I give up when I am frustrated with dancing so I will admire from afar.

Peaches: 10/10 I didn't think about it until I ranked him but he's a good one! I would crush hard. Dunno if I'd be his type though.

Rancher: 7/10 👀👀👀 he STRONK but I am probably too intimated. I work hard enough for me but I'd feel like it's not enough for Rancher.

Mafia boys: I'll be honest mafia is a big no so I'm roasting them

Snipe: 0/10 holy shit the paranoia? Do you know how many red flags that is, BYE

Bruiser: 0/10 man you got some ISSUES and you need to work on those, --like actually take a moment!! -- by yourself LATER

Butch: 1/10 at least I know what to expect but Y I K E S

Boss: 2/10 no thanks but I get the vibe he seems like a good tipper so I'll give him that.

Ace: 1/10 charismatic and mafia? See ya never! 🏃

Slim: 2/10 I'm sure you're nice and all but I'll probably never see you and let's keep it that way

G: 8/10 he's fun but maybe too much for me in large doses. I bet he'd be my work husband but nothing beyond that.

Green: 9/10 independent, fatherly and polite? Sign me UP. -1 point for his tiny plants because if he gives me one to cherish I will accidently/maybe on purpose murder it, I don't care how hard it is to kill succulents. Please don't give me potted plants. In the ground I'll try but not potted.

Rust: 7/10 because I'd probably get jealous of his kid magnetism and second guess myself a lot. Otherwise he's cool.

Noir: 8/10 yeah man, let's hang out and see where this goes :)

Lilac: 5/10 he's a good guy but.. too many old ladies, too social for me.

Basil: 6/10 I think we'd be neighbor friends who wave and ask to borrow something. Look at the lawn after yardwork. Yeup.

Oh dang! You did the whole lot!!

Lol I love how you roast the mafia boys. I’m surprised boss and slim got as high as they did.

Willows dog chaos can be nice. She’s a 50/50 but if she likes you then it’s all clear

Peaches is 100% husband material

face to face | lee felix

word count: 1035

genre: fluff

established relationship! (mentions of s2l)

warnings:none 

you and felix have been dating for awhile now and even moved in with each other. but lately, the two of you haven't been spending as much time with each other because of his hectic schedule and your crazy class schedule.

nonetheless, after every night class you came back to your shared apartment and made dinner for the two of you as you waited for your boyfriend to come back home. then the two of you would cuddle while a watching a movie for the rest of the night.

today, your classes were tiring as hell and you really didn't feel like making anything fancy so you settled for a classic peanut butter and jelly sandwich which for sure would not fill you up at all but you couldn't care less at the moment.

you connected to a speaker and started playing some music that would keep you awake and entertained for time being. you started to sing softly to yourself to one of the songs playing which reminded you of the first time you met felix.

you worked at a cafe about a year ago before you quit so you could focus on your studies. it was a quiet night and no one was in the shop about an hour before you were closing. so you started to clean up a little earlier just to pass the time.  

you changed the usual cafe playlist to your own since you were by yourself. "face to face" by ruel was playing and before you knew it you were singing along while wiping down a counter.

"i'm in my bed sitting, talking to screens all day but I can't seem to say what's on my brain but I wonder, I wonder."

you were far into your own world that you didn't even notice that a customer had walked in.

that customer turned out to be your future boyfriend, lee felix.

the boy was fascinated by your voice and didn't dare to interrupt your singing since he was basically getting a free concert.

once the song had ended the boy had finally spoken up, "you have an amazing voice."

you screamed and dropped your the rag that you were holding.

"oh my god, i am so sorry." the customer apologized after he scared the fuck out of you.

you bent down to pick up the rag and shot up quickly, "no, no it's not your fault. i wasn't paying attention at all. anyways, what would you like to-"

the two of you made eye contact and you swear your heart was racing once again. the customer that just accidentally scared you was very cute and the most precious freckles sprinkled across his face. now you were a blushing mess since,  he caught you at one of your worst moments.

you coughed as a way to break out the trance, "sorry, what would you like to um order?"

you kicked yourself mentally for turning out to be an even more stuttering mess.

"just a large hot chocolate please." he answered shyly for ordering such a kiddie drink.

"of course, your total will be 3.45."

the boy paid and you went to work on his drink and even doubled the batch so you could have one as well. while you were waiting for the milk to warm up you turned back to the boy he was waiting patiently near the pick up counter.

"uh, how long were you waiting for me?" you asked the boy. you had already embarrassed yourself a lot so there was no way this interaction could go worse.

"not that long, i didn't want to interrupt your singing." he answered as he looked up from his phone. "you really do have an amazing voice. do you have any social media where you post singing videos or something?"

your blush returned once again, you were surprised someone was so interested in your singing. although, you never brought attention it except for the few people who had subscribed to your cover channel on youtube. you posted there every once in awhile just as a way to keep your creative side flowing while you worked and went to school. "thank you and i do actually."

you poured the hot milk into two cups and began mixing the coca powder in.

"really what is it?" he asked, his face brightening up.

"um, *whatever you want*." you answered shyly as you placed lids on the hot cocos. "here's your drink."

he thanked you and as you were giving him his drink you hands accidentally touched and you swear for a second time that night you felt sparks going off.

*

now, here you are making a pb&j sandwich in the house that you guys shared. the memory making you smile to yourself.

you were singing "close to you" by lacia and falling deep into your own world as you spread peanut butter on your toast.

you didn't even hear the door unlock.

felix had come home a photoshoot and was tired since he had to wake up extremely early this morning to go to the filming location. coming home to you singing was probably his favorite thing in the whole wide world. your voice was one of the reasons why he had fallen in love with you.

he quietly wrapped his arms around you while you were multitasking.

"i love your voice." he whispered into your ear, sending shivers down your back.

you stopped what you were doing and turned around to give felix a quick peck. you were wrapped in his arms and you studied his face.

"did you have another photoshoot today?" you asked, you noticed that he was wearing makeup and that foundation was covering his beautiful freckles.

"yeah, it took forever trying to get there." he ranted to you.

he saw you frowning and became worried, "what's wrong, love?"

"i don't like how they cover your freckles." you pouted. you licked your thumb and started smudging the makeup off his face.

"me too." he mumbled quietly.

"there that's more like it." you smiled brightly as you could see his cute freckles again.

felix blushed at how bright your smile was and pulled you in for a kiss.

@fallenfurther gift for @willow-salix

Komorebi Forest

Prompts: 

The boys organise an Easter Egg hunt for the Children’s Hospital

Anything John is ALWAYS welcome (but not Ridley)

******

John looked up from the code projected before him and stretched his neck.  He was floating in Five and somehow, he still managed to get cramp. While turning his head this way and that, John stretched out his weary fingers. He hadn’t spent hours on end coding in months, and although he used his hands while coordinating rescues and maintenance duties, those activities were never quite as intense as a coding session. John let his gaze fall on the holographic globe before him. It reminded him why he was doing this.

“You are due a lunch break in 30 minutes, John. Might I suggest you take it now?”

EOS, his loyal companion, was forever watching over him. John sighed. He knew he’d asked EOS to help him keep track of the necessities, but there were times he could swear she’d spoke with Scott. The fact that the two were amenable at the best of times made him think otherwise, but maybe EOS had been watching the eldest and adopting some of his traits.

“I think I’ll take you up on that offer. A break might refresh my brain. I’m struggling with the rendering code.”

John saved the file and minimised it before pushing himself out the observation room towards the station’s kitchen area, EOS following on her rail.

“What would you like in your bagel today, John? Cream cheese and chive, cream cheese and smoked salmon or peanut butter and jelly?”

“I’ll have the salmon one, EOS. Though be gentler with the toasting this time.”

“Do not worry, John, I have adjusted the settings after performing thorough recalculations. The bread should be toasted to your preferred level. I have saved the previous settings for the next time Gordon visits.”

John smiled at the memory. Gordon needed a Zero-G refresher, so had been sent up for a week. A tsunami had, thankfully, shortened his stay, as he was needed Earthside. John enjoyed Gordon best in small doses, especially when he considered fiddling with the bagel settings funny. The charcoaled bagel that had been presented for breakfast had almost been as unpleasant as the squirty cheese Gordon had been spraying everywhere. Some had made it onto his brother’s own bagel, while the rest had floated about sticking to almost every surface. John had not been impressed and Gordon ignored both John’s glare and the mess. Though there had been good moments. Gordon listened in space, giving John the same respect that John had given Gordon when it was time for John’s diving refresher. His younger brother swam through Five and there was a comfort in hearing Gordon’s laugh echo through the ring.

John took a bite of the bagel that EOS presented to him and brought up Gordon’s position with his free hand. The aquanaut was making the most of the compulsory downtime that came after any big rescue to do what he loved most. John watched the little submarine’s grid reference as the numbers fell, indicating it was diving. Thunderbird Four was a few islands away from base. John tapped the little yellow triangle, opening the comm. 

“Hey John!” The cheery voice matched the grin that was on his brother’s face, “You miss me already?”

John smiled as Gordon effortlessly controlled the submarine, the hologram’s arms moving outside the frame.

“Of course. How is the local wildlife? Have you found that shoal of fish that’s been spotted in the area?”

Gordon grinned at him, his eyes sparking.

“Following them as we speak, John. Man, they are beauties! There are thousands of them John, all swimming in a chaotic swarm over the reef. It’s phenomenal. You’re missing out, John. Your stars have nothing on these fish.”

John chuckled.

“I’m happy with my stars. You enjoy your fish.”

“Sure. Catch you later!”

Gordon blinked away and John looked past the Earth to the stars beyond. Gordon never understood John’s fascination with the night sky, preferring to look down into the Earth’s depths, while John looked beyond it. Finishing off the bagel, John grabbed a space thermos of tea and headed back to the observation room. He pulled up the code and dived back in. He knew time was precious and he could be required at a second’s notice. He had a deadline too. His mind slipped easily back into motion, delving deep into the code again. The break has worked wonders on his brain and he quickly overcame the problem and started on the finer adjustments while he waited for EOS to finish her part. They could then do the first test. John jumped slightly when EOS finally spoke.

“I have completed my task, John. Shall I prepare the programme for launch?”

“Yes please, EOS.”

John grabbed the virtual reality headset and slipped it over his eyes, plunging himself into darkness. He slipped the controller out of where he had stored it in his baldric. A loading screen came up and he was presented with a start screen.

“Let the hunt begin” was written across a blurred image of a forest. Below it was a button that said “Enter Komorebi Forest”. John selected it. A loading screen appeared for a short time before a framework structure of a forest appeared around him. Using the controller, he looked around the grey maze, looking out for the small egg shapes that were scattered amongst the half-complete world. It was a surreal place right now, but he planned to make it magical. A forest that would set the children’s imagination wild and help them to forget the hospital beds they were confined to.

“Is the programme functioning as expected, John?” EOS chimed in his ear.

“It’s working as planned. There’s still the texturing and images that need to be added but that’ll be the easy part for you. If our servers can handle the extra load this programme will put on them, I think it’ll perform well.”

John continued to explore the landscape; its bare graphical bones exposed for his scrutiny. His eyes scouted around for any weak points or glitches in the matrix. All the framework was here. Branches with greyscale leaves that he had to duck under, bushes with tunnels inside and even a few huts and chalets to explore. It was all there, ready to be coloured in and finally explored.

“I’ve put a few possible plans together which you can choose from. All of them require borrowing some of the Tracy Industries servers to ensure that the programme does not interfere with the running of International Rescue.”

“Thank you, EOS. I’ll check through those later and run the best one by Scott. I’m sure he can pull the right strings.” John closed the programme and slipped the headset off. “Have you seen the file full of images which I have collated to help with the texturing of the environment?”

“I have. Would you like me to start work on that next?”

“Yes please, EOS.”

At that moment a red triangle appeared on the hologlobe that filled the centre of the room. John floated over and answered the call.

“International Rescue, what’s your situation?”

***

Alan was bored. None of his friends were online. He flicked his controller, only to remember he was meant to be beta testing John’s programme. Alan slipped on the headset. Sure, it was just an Easter Egg Hunt for the sick kids, but this was his brother John. John was meticulous with his coding and Alan was looking forward to seeing what John could do with a game design. Alan had seen some of his brother’s old coursework submissions and they had been some fantastic pieces of work. The start screen popped up and Alan entered Komorebi Forest.

He found himself in a clearing; swaying trees of beech and common lime circled him with fantastic realism. A pair of birds, possibly sparrows, flew across the clearing, their chirps filling the air. The sun was out, and the smattering of wispy clouds floated through the stunningly blue sky. In the corner the instruction ‘A to interact’ appeared. Alan moved forward. John had already shown him the character design program, and Alan had created his own slightly cartoonish version of himself. He had made the character taller than he was, because he could. Alan started to explore, heading down one of the trails. There were small bushes and ferns everywhere. Obvious places for him to look to find eggs! He went up to one and pushed 'A’. Hands appeared and moved the leaves. A rabbit bounced out the hole and between his character’s legs. Alan smiled. The kids would love that! He continued, looking both up and down. He came to an oak tree and looking into its tall branches, Alan spotted a red and gold egg. He ran up to the tree and interacted with it. The joystick then became the controller for his character’s arm. Switching between arms he made the character climb up the tree and grab the egg. As he clung to the tree, his eye on the egg count in the right-hand corner, a squirrel came down from above and studied him. It paused upside down, twisted its head side to side, before scampering along a branch and jumping into another tree. Alan failed at climbing down and ended up falling. He landed on his bottom with a jerk.

“Well done, you found one!”

The familiar voice made Alan jump. He turned and saw a small ginger haired girl standing before him. She had a realistic design, with fine detailing in her plaits. She was wearing a simple navy dress with a white star on it and blue pumps. Her green eyes looked up at him and her smile was pleasant.

“EOS?” Alan questioned.

“Yes Alan.”

“Did John make you an avatar?”

“No. I did this. What do you think? I tried to make it look more realistic. I made John one too.”

John was suddenly standing next to EOS, though the avatar didn’t move. Unlike EOS it didn’t blink. It looked so much like John but it’s blank stare sent shivers down Alan’s spine.

“Wow, EOS. That’s a really good likeness.”

“Thank you. I worked hard on it. I thought it would be appropriate for the children to see him as he is, considering the other children will see you as you are.”

Alan was relieved when the John avatar disappeared, though there was still something in the way EOS spoke that was creepy. She still had a little way to go before she would stop sounding robotic.

“And you also made yourself?”

“Yes. I thought the children would appreciate this kind of avatar over an image of my matrix or a version of my camera module.”

The idea of a floating camera in such a serene place would definitely be unnerving.

“I agree with that EOS. But why did you choose this design?”

The little girl looked quizzically at Alan and he could see the circuits calculating in the avatar’s expression. Alan wondered if this was a form of mimicry. Was EOS copying expressions they, his family, had made? He knew EOS watched the world, and probably them, learning what it means to be human and how she could be of more use to John. But how much had she picked up?

“This is the design that my processors felt would be least threatening to the children.”

Alan had to agree there. He could see the similarities in the avatar to John. Had EOS given her avatar some Tracy traits? Though standing a random girl next to an International Rescue operative and having them look like family would make EOS less threatening. Still, it felt a little odd being able to put a face to EOS. Alan would always see this avatar from now on when he thought or spoke to the AI.

“What do you think of the programme? Is it functioning well?”

“I need a little more time to explore but what I’ve seen so far is incredible.”

Alan and EOS strolled further along the trail. EOS became Alan’s guide, pointing out the bluebells and foxglove she had rendered and even the occasional insect, like the red-legged shieldbug, she’d added on one common lime. Alan was in awe of the detail. He was aware that they were using a mix of International Rescue and Tracey Industries servers to run the programme. Alan couldn’t fault his brother’s design. EOS led Alan off the track and deeper into the forest until they came to a stream with small rocky waterfalls at various points.

“This is the end of the simulation. The tree line on the other side has a barrier to stop anyone going further. Alan placed his foot in the stream. The water rushed around it with the expected fluid mechanics though with none of the cold wetness that normally accompanied a sodden shoe. The soft sounds of the water were soothing. He continued to the weeping willow trees which EOS had pointed too and tested the barrier. There was nothing to indicate it was there, but he couldn’t pass through.

“Maybe you should put something there. Something to indicate that you can’t go any further. The kids might run into it and it would be a shock when they do.”

“I see your point.”

Alan watched the young girl as she closed her eyes in thought. When she opened them again, her emerald eyes fixed on his.

“How about something like this?”

Alan turned around. String now looped between the trees; small bells attached at places which softly chimed when the breeze shook them. The barrier had moved slightly, but when Alan reached out his hand it still worked.

“That’s better.”

“I’ll complete the adjustments after you’ve finished testing.”

Alan continued down the border, testing it as he went. The stream soon disappeared behind a rocky cliff and its rockface became the barrier. Continuing along, with EOS following behind, Alan came across caves and ledges, all with Easter eggs hidden in them. The detail and thought that had gone into this place was beyond what Alan had expected when John had first suggested the idea. How John has found the time to design and code all this was not worth thinking about.

Scott had been sceptical about the idea, preferring to drag John down from Five and have him present for once. But the idea that some children would have to miss out on the International Rescue Easter Egg Hunt through no fault on their own made Scott considered the idea. Scott couldn’t say no after seeing this place. Especially if John used the avatar EOS had made. John was still going to have to come along but at least he would feel a little more comfortable interacting through the programme. They had circled back to the clearing and Alan was sold.

"I have to show this to Scott, EOS. He has to see this place!”

“There are still some final tasks to do before it is finished.”

“That’s doesn’t matter, he still has to see it.”

Alan exited the forest and pulled the headset from his head. Equipment still in hand he raced from his room towards the office where he suspected Scott to be.

***

John stood in the clearing of his forest, listening to the sounds of laughter and screeches of 'I got one!’ Right now, the entire children’s intensive care unit was hunting Easter eggs and it was John’s, with a little help from EOS and some nurses, job to make sure all went smoothly. This was the fourth batch of children to enter and he was starting to get the hang of it.

The last batch had been the cancer patients, some of which had been in isolation. John had waved from the other side of the glass, and one young lad, Bryan, had been super excited. He had never met most of the other kids on the ward, and then to see someone from International Rescue made the boy bounce around his room. Bryan had come straight up to John in the forest and chatted away. Thankfully, one of the other kids he had met dragged him away to hunt Easter eggs. John had watched as Bryan was introduced to the others. John was planning to talk to Scott about handing the programme over to the hospital so kids in isolation could meet each other regularly. There would have to be supervision and other safety measures put in place, but it could really improve the lives of these children. John could think of multiple new environments that could be rendered to keep things fresh, though they might have to outsource the design of them.

John headed down one of the paths, following the sound of laughter. One of the laughs was familiar and John paused in the shadow of a Tilia tree and watched. EOS and three other children were running around a smaller clearing. It appeared they had taught the AI how to play ‘Stuck in the mud’. A check of the time showed there was ten minutes left of the forty-minute hunt session, though after fifteen minutes most the eggs had been found and the children resorted to exploring and having fun. There were a few nurses scattered about, keeping an eye on their charges, and handling any virtual fights that broke out. EOS seemed to be enjoying herself, though John was finding it hard to tell in her new form. She was extremely proud of her craftsmanship and John had a feeling this wasn’t going to be the last time he saw her using this avatar. EOS laughed again as she narrowly missed being tagged. He watched as another child was tagged leaving EOS the only one standing and cornered. The boy dashed to one side only to quickly switch direction and place his hand on her arm.

“I win!” He yelled, throwing his fist in the air.

The others came 'unstuck’ and ran to join him.

“We only have ten minutes left. Let’s go explore some more.” A girl said.

“Okay!” The other two children sang while EOS stayed quiet. The children turned to her.

“Don’t you want to explore?” The girl asked.

“I explored earlier. I’m going to go join John now. Thank you for teaching me the game.”

“Okay. Bye then.”

“Bye EOS.”

The other children disappeared into the trees and John stepped out of the shadows. He smiled at his AI. Who’d have thought she could pass as a child?

“That was an interesting interaction. I don’t get many opportunities to interact with people like this.”

“No, you don’t. It is part of keeping you safe, but we could let you explore more virtual spaces if you want.”

“I will consider it.”

They stood in companionable silence. A red admiral butterfly fluttered by, and a bird sang in a tree to their right. It was peaceful. As he stood John spotted movement around his feet. A ginger and white cat was rubbing itself against his legs. Puzzled, he knelt and stroked the digital feline. It purred and nuzzled its head into his hand. The cat continued to rub itself against his hand, the movement so natural. Its programming was superb. It would take complicated code to produce such realistic and interactive behaviour.

“EOS, you didn’t tell me you put a cat in the forest.”

John sat down and let the cat climb on his lap. Its body rubbed against his and its tail brushing against his face. It was a shame John couldn’t feel its touch. He could imagine how soft its fur was. Though he wasn’t the biggest animal lover, like Gordon, he did appreciate the need for nonhuman companionship.

“I didn’t design the cat, John. I assumed you programmed it.”

John gave EOS a quizzical look. If she didn’t, and he didn’t, where did the cat come from? He turned back to the digital feline.

“Maybe Alan did it?” There was uncertainty in John’s voice, it wasn’t an Alan thing to do.

“Alan only ran the programme, he never edited or added code.”

Worry filled John. Where had this cat come from? Was it a symptom of something more sinister? Was the programme safe? John noticed EOS stand rigid out the corner of his eye. He waited, knowing she was checking the code. Her eyes flickered open.

“I have located the code. It’s not a threat. No viruses detected. Its code came into the programme with one of the children from the last session. It came with his avatar, however the code was added into the programme and stayed active after the host avatar left. Do you want me to delete it?”

John looked at the cat in his lap. The ginger and white pattern was unique and the coding for its fur texture, behaviour and personality would have taken time. He wondered if it was based off someone’s pet. He suspected one of the patients in isolation created it when they were given access the avatar programme yesterday. It was impressive.  

“It definitely contains no malicious code?”

“No, it does not.”

“Then add it to the files with the other creatures. They left it here so others could enjoy it, and anything that will improve the time these children have here is welcome. Can you tell me which child made it? I might go give them a visit later.”

“I’ll send the information to your comm.”

“Thank you, EOS.”

The cat stood up, looked at John and meowed. Its eyes shone as if it was thanking him. EOS bent down and stroked the feline, bring a smile to John’s face. He wondered how his brothers were getting on in the real world, setting up and helping the children who were able to leave their beds. They were only using the hospital roof garden, and the hunts were shorter due to the garden not being large. They were all going to be tired tonight, but it would be a welcome tiredness. John knew Scott had hired a house for them nearby and had gotten John to scout out the local takeout joints. Takeout, popcorn, crisps, fizzy drinks, beer (for those old enough) were all prepared with a good film selection. It was going to be a good way to end the day.

The cat hopped off his lap and sauntered away. The session end screen popped up in front of John, and he disconnected. He was sitting at the nurses’ station on the ward and to his left two nurses also removed their headsets.

“Now that was quite the experience!” One said to the other. “No wonder I struggle to get my son to remove this thing.”

“I don’t think the games he is playing are all quite like that. The hack-and-slash my daughter plays looks very different.”

“Well the kids enjoyed it.”

They disinfected their headsets and placed them in the box at John’s feet. John now had to collect up any borrowed headsets and decontaminate them before moving on to the next set of wards. The nurses had already handed out the chocolate Easter Eggs while the children were in the forest, so they would find them when they removed their headsets. The smiles on their faces warmed John. He’d had received many excited thank yous as he collected headsets and even the odd enthusiastic hug. John stood, put on some disposal gloves and grabbed the box. He headed towards the beds, the chatter of young voices already filling the air.

te4.pdf

A n3w-ne1ghb0r.zip story 

Pairing: Elliot Alderson x Reader 

Summary: Can be read individually or as part of the series. The apartment next to Elliot’s has been empty since Shayla. Someone finally moves in, and it’s worse than Elliot could have ever imagined. 

Warnings: implied sexual fantasies, language

Word Count: 1,779

“I met my new neighbor,” Elliot announced, “She’s nice.”

He gazed at the bookcase to his left, skimming his gaze across the spines of all the leather-clad pages. Krysta sat opposite of him in her usual chair while she attempted to decode his expression.

“She?” she inquired.

Elliot nodded in response. “Yeah. Her name’s Y/N.”

“What made her so nice?” Krysta wondered.

Elliot subconsciously fiddled with his fingers in his lap. What was he supposed to say? That he liked the way your eyes sparkled when you laughed? That he hoped it was you whenever there was a knock at the door? That he walked Flipper at the time you usually get home in hopes that he’ll pass by you in the hallway to give you a simple nod? That he keeps as quiet as possible in his apartment, so he can hear your soft humming and singing when he’s feeling lonely?

He shrugged, meeting Krysta’s eyes for a second before his sight continued his path to the closed door to the right of him. “When I met her, she invited me over for tea.”

“How did you meet her, Elliot? I don’t think you mentioned it,” Krysta tilted her head ever so slightly in curiosity.

Elliot remembered it easily. It was 6 days ago, almost a week.

He’d been walking Flipper, and he had just entered the building. While climbing the stairs, he heard someone cursing under their breath, but dismissed it until he arrived on the fourth level. At the end of the hallway, at the door right beside his, stood a lovely figure with arms full of groceries. - “Shit!”

“Do you need some help?” Elliot didn’t know why his voice spoke, but it almost came out without his permission.

You turned around to face him while he brushed the hood of his jacket off his head, absentmindedly trying to fix his hair after the gesture. “It’s fine,” you shyly replied, “but thank you.”

Elliot nodded curtly before he continued walking towards your figure until he stood beside you to unlock his door while Flipper stiffed your legs. By the time he’d opened it, he noticed you were still struggling, so he timidly took the keys out of your hands, careful not to brush your fingers, before he unlocked the door for you and placed the keys in one of the paper bags.

“Thank you,” you murmured. He was about to disappear into his apartment with Flipper when you remembered, “You’re Elliot, right?” Big, green eyes turned to meet yours again, so you explained, “I’m Y/N. The landlord told me I’d be living next to you. I, um… Do you want to come in? I made something for you.”

Elliot didn’t respond for a second, but then he realized you were still holding your groceries. “No thanks.”

“Okay,” you understood, “Can I drop them by after I set these down?”

Elliot nodded in affirmation before you sent him a small smile and disappeared into your new apartment. He took that as a sign to also go inside, and he let Flipper off her leash. Just as he stood from kneeling beside the dog, she let out a soft bark. A knocking at the door signaled that you’d returned, and Elliot quickly opened the door, only to have Flipper quickly run up to sniff more at your feet. You couldn’t help the giggle that escaped your mouth at the little black mop of fur, and had it not been for the large plate in your arms, you would’ve ruffled the little booger’s fluff.

“Sorry,” Elliot mumbled while picking Flipper up in his arms to keep her from bothering you. However, you shook your head at it.

“Don’t be sorry. I love dogs, and this one seems sweet.” You managed to shift the platter to one of your hands, so you could reach out to scratch behind those little black ears. “What’s your name, little one?”

“Flipper,” Elliot answered for her, “Her name’s Flipper.”

Flipper wagged her tail at your affection before she started squirming in Elliot’s arms in an escape attempt while she tried her hardest to lick your hand. “She’s a sweetheart… Oh! I forgot!” you withdrew your hand from Flipper to better balance the load in your arms, and you held out the wrapped dish. “These are for you. They’re cookies. I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I made sugar and chocolate chip. I was going to make peanut butter, snickerdoodles, and oatmeal raisin too, but I wasn’t sure if you were allergic to peanuts or cinnamon, so I stuck with the basics.”

“Thanks,” Elliot almost smiled at your nervousness. He looked from the cookies to Flipper, who still squirmed in his arms. “Could you maybe set them inside?”

You nodded before he stepped aside and silently invited you in. After you stepped inside, Elliot kicked the door closed, and you assured him, “You can set her down if you want. I really don’t mind.

He nodded at you before you strolled over to the nearby kitchen counter, where you placed the cookies. The sound of jingling mixed with the patter of little paws warned you just before you felt soft sniffing and licking at your legs again.

You turned your attention to Flipper before you crouched down next to her to pet her. “Hi, Flipper. I’m Y/N. It’s lovely to meet you. You’re awfully silly, aren’t you? You are just a little ham! What a good girl.” you giggled as Flipper tried to hop onto your thighs, so she could lick your face, but you kept her at bay, satisfying her with more scratches to her ears and back. Eventually, she calmed down some and rolled onto her back, begging for belly scratches, which you were happy to give her.

Elliot watched the interaction between you and Flipper for a bit before he realized he was smiling slightly at the sight. When he caught himself, he felt his cheeks heat up a bit. You were beautiful, but you seemed sweet too. So sweet, in fact, that Elliot felt an itch in that part of his mind, the one that doesn’t allow good to exist without condition.

He knew things like this didn’t happen. Pretty neighbors don’t move in and befriend him. Even if they did, he wouldn’t even have a chance with her. She probably wouldn’t even give him the time of day romantically.

“I should probably go,” you stated while standing up from playing with Flipper, “I’m sorry if I’m intruding at all. It was lovely to meet you, Elliot.”

“You aren’t intruding.” His voice is soft while he barely shook his head. You almost didn’t hear it.

You smile at him appreciatively before you reason, “Thank you. I do still have to put my groceries away, though. Thank you for inviting me in. Your apartment is nice. I don’t think most people would like it, but I do… And, if you ever need someone to watch Flipper or walk her or anything, let me know.”

“Thank you.” You turned to leave with Flipper following you to the door, but before you had the chance to turn the knob, Elliot’s voice stopped you. “I’m not allergic to peanuts.” You turned to face him again to find his fists shoved deep into the pockets of his black hoodie. “or cinnamon… I’m not allergic to anything, actually.”

“I’ll have to bake for you some more then,” you concluded, leaving a thoughtful pause as punctuation. “Elliot?” He looked up to meet your eyes, and his breath almost caught in his throat. “Did you maybe want to stop by for tea sometime?”

Elliot couldn’t possibly form words at your request, so he simply nodded.

“Alright. Come by when you get a chance. You can bring Flipper too.”

And just like that, you left. - “I ran into her when I was walking Flipper. She was just coming back from the grocery store,” Elliot stated.

Krysta smiled at him ever so slightly. “Do you think you’ll go to tea?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why not?” She deflated ever so slightly, but Elliot didn’t notice much. His brain was preoccupied with other things.

Elliot tried to appear nonchalant when he supposed, “I don’t know.”

Krysta noticed, though. She watched him think for a minute, simultaneously trying to assess the situation. “Is she pretty?”

Images flashed through Elliot’s head, some of them memories, some of them only imagined by his mind. Sunlight soaking your hair, igniting the strands from within while you listened intently to him when walking Flipper together. A smile that didn’t quite meet your eyes across your bare face as you greeted him in the hallway after a long day at work. Your hair sticking to your damp forehead and your mouth parted with a silent scream of pleasure; nails digging into his chest enough to steady yourself while your hips moved against his. The fluttering fabric of your skirt barely brushing against your legs while you spun. Flipper licking your face from your position, back on the floor with squished up features. Gloomy light from a cloudy day caressing every exposed inch of your skin through a window, your form covered only by your messy hair and a sheet to which you clung. Ice cream smeared on your nose, eyes crossed, and tongue out as you attempted to eat every last drop of your dessert. Nothing but a flour spotted apron adorning your body while you baked in the kitchen, light bruises littering your neck. Your beaming face poking out of a pile of fuzzy blankets. The hilarious look of panic across your features while you catch the phone you nearly dropped half a second prior. Handcuffs around your wrists, making sure they stay attached to the bedpost while he had his way with you.

“I guess so… I never really thought about it.”

“But haven’t you thought about her? After all, would you have mentioned her if you hadn’t?”

Elliot was silent. He knew she had him in a corner, and she knew it.

If he said he didn’t think so, she would continue to press him about the matter. That could lead to her discovering more than he wanted her to know. So, he only told her part of the truth.

He nodded. “You’re right. I think I could like her.”

“Maybe you should ask her out,” Krysta suggested.

“Maybe,” Elliot agreed, “Maybe I’ll ask her when I go over for tea.”

Elliot knew he wouldn’t, but it was still a nice thought. Another image to add to the collection in his mind that he would never experience. Guys like him didn’t get girls like you.

Tagging: ask to be tagged here

Clown Apocalypse

hi guys!!! i finally finished this fic! i haven't updated it in about a week and a half but today i did the finishing touches so here you go! i don't own anything 😊 ——————— The caramel apples in the display case of a local bakery caught her attention as she was walking to Antonio's apartment. Since she was staying the night, she decided to be environmentally friendly and walk a few blocks from her place. He, of course, complained about her walking alone, but knew he wasn't going to have her budge. After all, it was the middle of the afternoon. Sylvie was pretty confident that she was going to be fine. Back to the apples. There was an impressive assortment of the delicious treats, ranging from simple sprinkles to birthday cake, s'mores, and ew, Sylvie wrinkled her nose in disgust, was that cheese?! It seemed like it was destiny that she came across these sticky delights, as today was the day Diego was getting his braces off. Actually, he had gotten them off a few hours ago. Antonio had sent her a beaming toothy smile selfie of his teenage son. 'I think he's pretty excited' the caption read. "This would be perfect," Sylvie said to herself, stepping inside the cute bakery. To her surprise, besides a few people who were already sitting down, there was no line. A bakery like this seemed to be the type with endless costumers. At least this fact made her feel better about buying from here. A teenage girl stood behind the counter, typing away on her cell phone. The bedazzled device was quickly shoved away though when she noticed Sylvie approaching. She was pretty flustered by the time Sylvie got to the counter. Personally she found nothing wrong with checking your phone when you had days like these. But other people didn't think this way, so this girl probably felt relieved when Sylvie gave her a smile instead of a look of disapproval. "Slow day?" She asked, putting her purse up on the counter, shuffling through to find her credit card. Her apartment organization was immaculate. The same couldn't be said about her purse. "Yeah." The girl nodded, the tension in her shoulders completely gone from just a few seconds ago. "It isn't usually like this, so I'm trying to enjoy it." "Me too. I don't have to wait in a line and get to have a friendly conversation to boot." Sylvie quipped, getting a bashful smile from the teen. Customer service can be a bitch with ungrateful, rude people, so she tried specifically to be as nice as possible to those who worked in the field. "Aha!" She declared triumphantly as she finally found her credit card and yanked it out of her bag. "Would have been trouble if I didn't find this." "What can I get for you?" The girl asked. Sylvie looked down. Penelope was the girl's name. The lamented rectangle had a sharpie drawn smiley face right after the last 'e'. With both Diego getting his braces off today and interacting with Penelope, Sylvie was being brought back to her adolescent years in her small town back in Indiana. It both felt like just yesterday and forever ago. She was pretty much a whole different person then. Pre-Chicago Sylvie. "What can I get you?" She repeated. It was actually the hand on Sylvie's wrist that brought her back to reality, which went away when her eyes met Penelope's again. "Sorry, I got a little distracted." She apologized, but immediately began to order once she heard the ding of the bell that signaled when a person departed or entered the bakery. In this case, someone had came in. Dilly dallying wasn't an option anymore. Feeling pressure from making others wait, she decided to pick a peanut butter chocolate, s'mores, sprinkles, and one covered with nuts. If worse came to worse, they could cut the apples up and share instead of everyone having an individual apple. Sylvie handed over her credit card after Penelope rang up each dessert. The bag filled with the apples was placed next to her, since she was busy signing the receipt. "Thanks, Penelope," Sylvie grinned at her cashier, who blinked dumbly in surprise at being referred to by her actual name. Before Sylvie was out the door, she heard a 'have a nice day!' called out from behind her. Ignoring how long it had taken her to find her credit card, just a few minutes ago, she threw it in her bag. Well, she put it in her wallet, but with no regard of any order. Next time she opened it, she would probably have an outrageously outdated gift card in the front and have no clue where her license or credit card would be. But that was a worry for another day. With her bag of caramel apples in one hand and her purse in the other, Sylvie continued on her walk to Antonio's apartment. She increased her walking pace, the Chicago heat was not being kind today. She didn't want to show up with melted desserts. They would still taste delicious, she bet, but everyone knows caramel apples are better when slightly cold. She arrived at Antonio's apartment slightly out of breath. This was more due to the fact of the heat than her amount of exercise. Either way she still feels gross she thought as she wiped the back of her hand over her sweaty forehead. At least blaming the weather didn't make her feel guilty like not exercising would. After pulling her hair up into a ponytail, she dug the house key Antonio had given her weeks prior out of her back pocket. She still felt slightly weird about it, for a second she was about to knock instead, but she couldn't deny that it didn't give her butterfly feelings every time she used it. Once unlocked, she pushed herself through, letting out a sigh of relief at the immediate presence of air conditioning. Neither Antonio or the kids were in direct sight, so Sylvie made her way through the apartment. Sounds were coming from the kitchen. Knowing these three, they were probably all gorging themselves with food. She decided to follow, her suspicions proving to be correct when she walked in and saw the three Dawsons at the table eating BLT sandwiches. "Starting without me?" She joked, placing the bag of apples, she had already put down her purse in the living room, on the kitchen counter. Mumbled hellos and hand waves were given from Eva and Diego, who had food in their mouths, while Antonio actually got out of his chair to greet Sylvie. "We just started," He leaned down to kiss her cheek. This specific display of affection was common between them, but Sylvie still couldn't help close her eyes and smile. "Everything's all out, dig in." He gestured to the display of lettuce, tomatoes, and bacon on the island. By the time she put the bread in the toaster, Diego and Eva were free to talk. Sylvie rested her elbows on the counter while Diego eagerly showed off his straight teeth. "You look so much older, Diego." She complimented him. He beamed back at her, always a fan of any mention of being older than his actual 14 years. "I think he still looks like a dweeb." Eva said with a smirk, leaning over to condescendingly rub her hand on Diego's hair. She wasn't being mean exactly, just being a typical older sister. He stuck his tongue out at her in response. The toast popped up. Sylvie quickly grabbed both pieces out of the toaster, flinging them onto her plate. She grabbed the jar of mayonnaise and the knife next to it, listening to Antonio join in the conversation as she spread the mayo over her toast. "What, are you two 4 and 9?" He said, deaging them both by a decade. "I'm pretty sure you two just mirrored an exact conversation you had back then. Thought you would learn more material by now." "You want me to use new material?" Eva challenged her father, with a raised eyebrow. She had a good point. Who knows what she had learned from high school, and now college. Sylvie was sure Antonio wouldn't want to hear certain words out of his daughter's mouth. "No." He conceded, taking a bite of his BLT. "Please continue calling your brother a dweeb." Now layering the bacon, lettuce, and tomato, Sylvie couldn't hold back a snicker. Antonio, Eva, and Diego had an hilarious dynamic. At first, she was apprehensive about entering a relationship with someone who had kids (even though she was the one who pursued him first, a fact that Antonio would never let her forget) but imagining her relationship without the addition of Eva and Diego seemed so boring. If someone asked past Sylvie if she would ever get in a relationship with a man who was divorced, had kids, and a crazy ex to top it all off, she wouldn't have believed them for a second. Look at her now, though. She's living it and loving every second. "What are you laughing at?" Diego asked, his face scrunched up with confusion. She sat across from him and Eva, right next to Antonio, who curled his left hand over her thigh. A welcomed, yet unsurprising gesture. Whenever they were near each other, her boyfriend was always instigating some kind of physical contact. "You." Sylvie said to the boy, then turning towards Eva. "And you," Finally, she turned to Antonio. With him, she couldn't resist tapping his nose in an attempt to increase her teasing. As she did this, she couldn't ignore the brief thought passing through her brain, pointing out how she couldn't keep her hands off of him just as much. "Are very amusing." She doesn't go into an explanation, opting to take a bite out of her sandwich instead. Her tastebuds sang with joy, she didn't realize how hungry she was until then. She was only going in for a second taste when Eva decided to bring up a memory that, at least to them, was a fond one. "As amusing as when you hid in a fair porter potty for 20 minutes, refusing to get out because of a clown?" While Eva wasn't bothering to hide her smile, next to her Diego bit on his lip, clearly holding back his emotions. And of course Antonio had the same expression on his face as his daughter. The dreaded Chicago fair last summer. When Antonio brought the event up, she had been excited, remembering the fun trips she had to the fair as a child in Indiana. But to her horror, when she arrived, there were millions of clowns. (Antonio and the kids argue that at most there were eight clowns, but to Sylvie, it felt like they were in the middle of a clown apocalypse.) "I thought we agreed to never talk about that!" Sylvie couldn't wait until she was done chewing, only holding her hand over her mouth to show some manners. She couldn't handle painful long seconds doing nothing while three pairs of eyes stared at her. "Also, it wasn't just a clown. He was on stilts! Stilts!" She repeated more forcefully when her mouth was completely empty. "The one after that wasn't on stilts though." Diego apparently wasn't keeping himself subtle anymore, going for a cheeky reply. Before she could attempt to defend herself further, the plastic bag containing the goodies she just bought caught her eye. Bingo. A perfect distraction to take the attention off of her (valid and common) fear of clowns. "I guess I'll take my caramel apples and leave then...." She couldn't resist letting out a long, dramatic sigh, beginning to get up out of the chair. Though her butt hadn't left the chair before Diego demanded more of an explanation. Also, Antonio's casual hand over her thigh tightened its grip, which would had stopped her if she had really wanted to leave. "What are you talking about?" Sylvie's embarrassing story was forgotten as he leaned forward with badly disguised anticipation. Anyone could clearly see the excitement in his eyes. Loving chess was the first thing she learned about the boy, but his love for sweets was definitely second. So much that when Diego was with Antonio, his sweet intake was minimal and strict. But when Sylvie sneaked a peek at the man next to her, he didn't seemed bothered at all by her purchase. Which was a relief, as she rarely did anything for Eva and Diego without asking his permission first. He had recently told her that she didn't need to do this anymore, he trusts her, but she still felt cautious. "You got caramel apples?" "I got caramel apples for people who don't make fun of my fear of clowns." She corrected, but couldn't hold up the annoyed persona for long. Seconds later, she was pointing out the bag right behind him. Eagerness must had gotten to him, because he reached out and pulled on the bag a little too hard, resulting in one of the apples tumbling out onto the floor. It was the s'mores one. Despite the fall, the small marshmallows, chocolate, and graham cracker pieces didn't budge off of the fruit. A groan came from Antonio. "That's why you don't rush." He said. Instead of immediately jumping down to grab the s'mores apple off of the floor, Diego took his time. Sylvie kept her curiosity to herself, but Eva had no problem expressing her thoughts. "Don't you know the three second rule?" She said with disgust, as they watched him finally lift the caramel apple off of the kitchen floor. To Sylvie's astonishment, he put the food right up to his mouth and took a big bite. With his mouth filled with food, he replies. "The three seconds rule doesn’t apply to sticky foods." Food particles can clearly be seen coming out of his mouth. The teenager didn't seem fazed at all by his lack of manners, going in for another bite. Eva shuddered, his explanation not changing her repulsive view. Unlike her brother, she stood up and calmly brought the bag over, setting it down at the middle of the table. Rather than take an immediate bite out of the apple she had chosen, the peanut one, she got up to go to one of the kitchen drawers. It didn't take long for her to find what she was looking for. She came back with an apple cutter, slicing her apples into perfect equal shapes. "I think I'll need to do that." Sylvie commented, reaching for both the device and the bag. Before grabbing for the one she preferred, peanut butter chocolate, she glanced over at Antonio, wanting to give him the first choice. He wasn't paying her any attention, watching his kids devour their food instead. If a delicious apple wasn't in front of her begging to be eaten, she would have let him be. This wasn't the case, however. She gave him a few more seconds of peace, dividing both of the remaining apples with the cutter Eva had gotten out. Actually, she realized, they could equally share the different types of apples. Antonio must have been thinking the same thing, because he reached out to grab a random apple piece, taking no mind about the flavor. Before she could pop a slice into her mouth, a set of lips press against the side of her forehead. The stickiness of the apple was on them, which easily transferred onto her skin. Plus the smell was distinct. Really the only thing missing of experiencing the apple her boyfriend ate was actually tasting it. "Thanks, babe." He said as he retreated his head back. "Perfect end to this celebration." Sylvie nodded in agreement. She had shoved one of the slices in her mouth after the surprise of Antonio's affection faded away. The chocolate, peanut butter, caramel, and apple went perfectly together. Her mouth was currently in heaven. She was chewing nice and slow to enjoy and savor the flavors. "Never can go wrong with dessert." She quipped after she finally swallowed. "But technically," Diego butted in, eyes glittering with mischief. "Everyday with me is a celebration. Sooo.....what are we getting tomorrow?" Eva threw a nut at her brother in response, which made Sylvie snicker and Antonio give a half-hearted scolding to his daughter. But Sylvie knew he was just as amused as she was.

thank u, next!

I have felt this entry brewing, but haven’t found the complete motivation (or let’s be honest, the time to dedicate) to get my ass on the laptop to let it surge from me, as I’ve felt it swirling in my brain the last couple weeks. 

I think I am at a good place in my life; these are my last few days prior to turning 33, and I truly feel a positive energy about what this year will bring me. I have already started, and will continue with my travel adventures... 

This past weekend’s 2019 debut adventure in SLO/Morro Bay: to explore Hearst Castle and all the overly fancy things it has for you to feast your eyes on. A coworker of mine and I joke that I am Belle from Beauty in the Beast, and I found myself completely infatuated with the grand library, just like Belle was in the Beast’s enchanted castle. I mean seriously, how intricate all the details of every wall/ceiling/piece of furniture of this castle were. Personally, I could not imagine having that much extravagance as my “vacation home” because I am a plain Jane, but to think of how much money is on that property.. dayum! I would really only want the library, because it was gorgeous. Okay, and maybe some of the gardens, too. And SLO, I fell in love with. Such a cute downtown area and all the little shops! I definitely shopped my little heart out on cute ass shit I don’t need, but loved and had to have. 

Next week’s adventure: to meet my dearest little sheronalet in North Carolina, and to fit in as many newborn snuggles into one week as I can! He has already stolen my heart just from pictures, and auntie Bo0 cannot wait to squeeze him and cover him in besos. Also looking forward to some serious Sherona bonding time with my NC folk. 

March’s adventure: to spend more time with my bestie and my growing peanut in Washington, and explore the tiny little town they now call home. I really am blessed to have so many littles all over the country for me to love on whenever I want. #professionalauntieairlines

April’s adventure: Italia. I have secured a partner-in-crime now, so it won’t be a solo journey like planned, but I am excited to start planning our excursions and see what troubles we can get into!

Further 2019 adventures still TBD.. but not a bad start to the first quarter, right?!

Now, let’s get to what my brain has needed to unload.. 

After the heartbreak of my life about three years ago, I ended up a shell of my former self, and resulted with a fucked up and jaded point of view towards relationships. I went through the grief, the loss of myself, the fatality of a dream that was never given the opportunity to shine, the realization that even though I was sure he was “the one”.. he wasn’t, or it would have been, and the lengthy, debilitating and then liberating process of getting back to becoming myself again. I fell in love with him, and I fell hard. Harder than I ever had before. And getting back up from it was truthfully one of the darkest times in my life. And I feel I did most of the damage to myself. My expectations. My fantasized dreamland. The pure abandon and openness of my heart to give to someone who I thought would help me grasp everything I always wanted. To someone who no matter how hard I tried, could not let me in; even though in his defense, I honestly think he tried to the best of his ability at the time. He had his own demons to face, and it was just not meant to be. The purpose of him in my life at the time didn’t hit me until a lot later, but I selfishly maintained hope (for way too long) that if we faced our own demons separately, we would eventually end up back together. He was everything I had not had before and desperately wanted, but that hope has become less than a distant memory, and more like a torturous joke I played on myself. Although I’d like to think I am completely over that situation, I still think he will forever hold a small piece of my heart until the day I die. And that’s okay. I am at peace with that.

Enter Ariana Grande: her words resonated with me from the first time I heard them in this song, and fell in line because my three major relationships have each taught me something different.   

One taught me love

One taught me patience

And one taught me pain

Now, I'm so amazing

I've loved and I've lost

But that's not what I see

So, look what I got

Look what you taught me

And for that, I say

Thank you, next

I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex

After healing from the one who ‘taught me pain’ I put myself back together in a slightly different way. Closed off, numb, guarded, and walls for days. I casually dated for about a year, wanting nothing from anyone but the ability to say that this serial monogamist had “played the field”. Guess what? I had my fun and it served its purpose, but I am still a serial monogamist at heart, and I always knew that deep down. The layers and layers of protection needed to come down some time, and I feel that they finally came down this past May. 

Enter unexpected, wonderful series of interactions with a handsome and appealing man who I will likely never see again. I feel that since meeting that patient’s son, I restarted a search for “my person” because those arbitrary interactions actually made me want to feel again, and reignited my desire to want to open up to someone and be vulnerable again.

I’ve had a lot of internal monologue about what I want (and don’t want) in a relationship, and just wants in my life in general. I’ve recently lost a significant friendship for reasons I feel could have been handled completely differently, but it is what it is. This unexpected loss caused me to reach a lot of realizations regarding all other relationships in my life. About continuing to invest in the ones that matter, and letting others go because they are no longer worth my precious time. I’ve also realized that I have often felt taken for granted. I don’t claim to be perfect; in fact, I know I’m far from it. But I do know that I am a rare breed, and I have grown into myself at a quicker pace than I feel most others my age have due to all the experiences under my belt. I continue to learn more and further love who I am every single day. There are also days where I can’t even stand myself, but even those are moments to learn from and take steps towards the ever-changing process of becoming the best version of myself. 

About 3 weeks ago I joined a dating site. Not one of those hook-up apps - an actual dating site that you pay for, with about 100 questions (probably 25 of which are actually unique, just repeated in several ways to make sure you’re consistent) asking about your personality/likes/dislikes. I was given the impression that this would be a different experience because this is a method where people actually want to meet someone serious and put their own hard earned money towards that goal.. let me tell you, not so different from the bullshit apps. Up until today, I did not have any meaningful connections with anyone and was thinking I got swindled out of my moneys for something I frankly had greater success with on one of the gratis hook-up apps! 

Shortly after opening this dating account, I watched a movie that was sort of mirroring my feelings of this whole “online dating world” in a comedic way. I truthfully do not thrive with this medium of meeting people; I’m old fashioned in wanting to meet people organically, and not because of some stylized way I am being viewed through filtered pictures and clever quips about who I am. Staying true to my “old soul” personality and realizing more often these days, I do not belong in this generation. But anyhow, this movie made me laugh so hard in many scenes because the female character resembled me, and the male character shared traits with different men in my life that I have been, or continue to be drawn to. There was one scene in the movie that unexpectedly made me tear up, and it was then and there that I realized how many times I have been taken for granted in my life. 

Enter movie scene: male and female character are sitting in bed after a meaningful and eye-opening couple of days, sharing a meal. They are discussing the woman’s previous relationship/broken engagement.

Male: “He’s so screwed.” (referring to her ex-fiance) 

Female: “What do you mean?”

Male: "You said that he met you in high school, right? So, he thinks that you are a ‘certain type of girl', and he thinks that he will meet that same type of girl later in his life, when he’s ready, but… when he’s ready, that girl’s not going to be there. He has no idea how rare you are."

Enter single insta-tear down my face. This spoke to me in so many ways because I feel that although I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, I am a pretty damn good woman who has a lot to offer to someone capable of appreciating my worth. I cannot tell you how many times I have been sought out after the fact, just because people realize what they had, now that they no longer have it. Boyfriends, guys I dated, friends, and it continues to be a common theme in my life. I try not to take someone for granted to that degree because I’d like to think that I am the type of person who gives people probably way too many chances. Conversely, when I am done, I am done and there’s no convincing me otherwise after that switch has been flicked. I know that I have taken people for granted in the past, but I think I have learned a lot from those experiences and try not to make those same mistakes. 

I am hopeful to see what the remainder of this three-month membership/sentence of this dating site has in store for me. At the very least, I went out of the online dating world with a bang (to my bank account)! And with that, I bid you adieu. My brain sure feels a lot lighter. #success

01/17/2019 - 2:27 AM

Thank you x12 || A Gift for Kiara

The Brain room was packed with delegates of all statures and personalities. Really, how was anything going to get done in all this noise? How would they make this present on time? Felt a bit like Santa's Workshop the night before Christmas, not gonna even lie. Luckily, the person behind the operation knew just who to call. 

"Now if you'll all quiet down--"

"She doesn't even go here." A brunette, youngest of the group, hair braided back into french braids piped up and then immediately shrunk down at the look she got from the poised blonde woman and uttered an apology. What? Mean Girls quotes were always appropriate.

"You know, Haley, I really don't mind Amelia sticking around." The figure lounging in one of the office chairs sideways, tossed her long unruly hair over her shoulder and gave an appraising look to the striking woman.

The former captain let out just the smallest chuckle and then went back to business. "Thank you darling for your flattery but I'm happily coupled. In another life, I'm sure you'd be just the top of my list." She clapped her hands together to get the room back on her again and took a deep breath before she began assuming her role and calling out orders, "In any case, we've got to put something together for Kiara."

"Last I heard Kiara was gone. Left for Kenya."

"Yes, well, it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for your brain, Miss Chino, to be a touch more preoccupied with the one you shagged rather than the one who's out there fighting the good fight. Serving, as is her duty. Holder of a few favorites around these parts."

"It wasn’t even--" Mocha narrowed her eyes as she was cut off.

"Tish tosh. We all saw. There’s no poetry to save you from this. Now, a call for order would be nice from the lot of you. I shant be contributing as I didn't know many of her characters but think of me as a moderator. For when Alex needs a bit of order and her brain to be shipshape she knows I'll have it right as rain in no time." Her posture seemed to get just a bit straighter, if that was even possible as she tucked her hands behind her back and paced the conference room. "Now then, a few of us have been called out of retirement to add a few sentiments so perhaps that may be where to start, don't you think?"

"Ay man, if it's for Kiara, I'll do whatever shit you want me to do." A smaller tanned skinned boy with a shit eating grin on his face sat back in his chair, propping his feet up onto the table.

"Alright then, why don't you elaborate on that, Ignacio."

And with that Tito crossed his arms, feeling a little uncomfortable with divulging that with his head-mates. "Nah, I mean listen, aight, she just cares and so do her people, like a lot and shit. She loved my taste in music man like she vibed. She like had Audrey for a hot minute. Man, she was fuckin' great. She could do someone like whatever that like teenage princess was she had and then turn around and do Audrey and give me shit at the Garage like that? Like she didn’t take any of my bullshit and she still was super likeable as fuck. She was a real piece of work but like in a masterpiece sorta way ya know."

"Eloquent as ever, really. But thank you. Next I think we should have Ja--No Stan. Stanley. Sorry, the other blonde 6ft tall Australian lad who dated Ellie."

A large blonde looked up from where he'd been drawing turtles on a piece of scrap paper and an almost as tall blonde but scruffier behind him just gave an annoyed look and crossed his arms before texting whoever he was texting on his phone. The grinning Australian scratched his head a bit, "Oh! Right yeah. Well, I think Ells and I were the first real interaction between--"

"Ay! Fuck, I forgot about me and GG too. Shit, Kiara is the fuckin' greatest, man. Like Georgette was different than those other two as well. Shit, man.”

A hand came and smacked Tito upside the head as the dark haired woman, arms crossed and just plain annoyed to be here when she had better things to do. She rolled her eyes and in a bored tone just said, "Tito I'll beat the shit out of you again. And you know I can."

Amelia cleared her throat, "Thank you, Megara. Although I would refrain from that until after this meeting is adjourned. As you were saying Mr Schell."

Stan just shrugged and gave a bit of a smile, "It's no worries. Tito and I go way back. I know he was just tryin' ta be helpful." He waved across the table at Tito and Meg before sitting up more in his seat, "Uh, let's see then. Well, yeah Ellie was kind of the first ship Alex and Kiara had. We were Stellie and it was real great even if it had a timeline. Also she loved every turtle thing I did which was kind of a confidence booster for just being myself, Scute and Donatello were best mates after all. But yanno, that whole timeline thing was one thing I think Kiara was really good about. If she had an end, she'd commit to it. She never backed off of that wave once she started paddling, right? She just kept going and going until they just plummeted down under. She knew Ellie wasn't gonna make it and she never shied away from her sickness. She wrote it in and kept it seen and made sure that I was included in it all like I wanted to be. We were both dropped out and retired at about the same time because of outside life reasons but I have no doubt that she'd ride that beautiful ship wave until the end. She was like real enthusiastic about everything. It was really awesome to be part of that and play a role in a story that was made the way it was."

The blonde girl with wild hair next to him looked like she was on the verge of crying and just leaned over and hugged the tall Australian. "Oh Stan, that was so lovely."

"Well, I think that leaves me out of the old and retired crew." A redhead, sat in her chair, arms on either arm rest and one leg crossed over the other, ankle on her knee.

"Yes, Kimberly. You had a different experience as well." 

Kim, the original and the first, well respected in the Head gave a chuckle, "Well, you know. When I first got to Swynlake, I knew no one and then all of a sudden, out came some of my best friends and then came the girl who seemed to be against me from the start. Kiara played Bonnie and Bonnie was just all snark but had her layers for sure. I mean, it totally wasn't like I hated her entirely. Kiara kind of sort of made her likable in a way that like popular people are that draws you in. In any case, it was great to like have that competition again and have unresolved past differences come back. Having your greatest competitor will only push you to be better."

"That and V-Day 2017 had you two hooking up in that locker room. That steam was definitely not from the showers, babe. Don't think we don't remember that tea, sis. Ya'll were on each other like you were fighting for the top of the pyramid. I mean bent ov--"

"Thank you, Hermes. I think we can all remember the fated 2017 singing incidents of the past and would rather leave them in the past." Amelia blocked that Spice Girls moment from her memory at all costs.

"Speak for yourself, henny, I was dressed as cupid and a Lady Gaga singing fool."

"Oh so how you are every day." Mocha smirked over at him and just gave him a wink to which he just clutched his chest and fake gasped like he couldn't believe the shade.

"Alright, alright, back on task. Returners and new characters, anything to add? General comments?"

“Ellie was always a really great roommate to Ly. So I’m grateful for that.” Meg offered with a shrug before leaning back in her seat again, arms crossed.

A much taller redhead than the previous one raised her hand a second before she spoke, "Yeah, I mean I'm kinda new but Elyon's been super cool. I mean I know we've only had a small interaction but I think she's got that whole telekinesis thing going for her and she can paint too. She's got all kinds of wild fairy adventures probably planned."

"Oh! Oh! In addition to what Wendy said!" The blonde who had almost cried over Stan's sweet sentiments before immediately perked up with her own comments, "I think they're all rather lovely in their own ways. You know, I've been here in both phases as have a couple of us returners and really Kiara's been such a source of positivity and enthusiasm. Also she shares my love of exclamation points! Really, truly, she's just been so welcoming and open to plotting with everyone and really I can't thank her enough for being herself as well as helping out in this time in the world."

"Well said, Arista." Amelia just nodded and looked around the room for anyone to volunteer anything further. She spotted a smaller gentleman who's head was just about nodding back and let out a loud snore to which Amelia just said firmly and loud as can be, "Mister Zimmeruski." 

The figure squirmed and snorted as he said in a daze, "I swear I didn't put cheese on the counter, Al. That smear was from the peanut butter."

Luckily Jake who hadn't been paying much attention just shook his shoulder a bit, "Alright, mate, you're up. Tell the class what we've learned."

Bobby's eyes opened as he looked around, "Whoa this is like every bad classroom dream trip I've ever had, bro. Like called to the front by the stern but hot teacher lady and just like--" He immediately looked down and sighed a bit of relief, holding up a small fist in victory, "Alright man, I didn't go to class without pants again."

"Mister Zimmeruski." Amelia said again.

"Whoa, okay, Miss Smol-der-let. Let's like calm the tone a little also like Mr. Robert Zimmeruski is legit my dad so like can we all just take it down a level." He looked around the room and paused a moment, "Wait, so what are we talking about?" Jake leaned forward and whispered into his ear. "Oh! Oh dope, awesome. Yeah like Kiara is totally on an extra chee-za level in my book, guys. Like her characters are bomb and probably put up with like a ton of my bullshit." He laughed a bit. “But she was like really nice and totally, definitely, wanted to help me get dates and stuff even if she didn’t say it, I could like feel that emo-tion, so like yeah, definitely always available for that assist with that wrist you know. Like flick of the wrist, get the gist my fam." He smirked over at Mocha, "How'd you like the rhymes, babe?"

Before Mocha could react Amelia immediately swooped in, "Alright, everyone back to your locations. Off you go before I get the worst migraine of my three decades on this earth. All of this will be compiled and given to Kiara as a present." She sighed under her breath, "Lord help us all."

As the room cleared out, Amelia turned and looked directly into the camera, sighing and crossing her arms, "I apologize on behalf of Alex's brain, Kiara. Really we all thank you for your hard work and dedication. If anyone were to be steadfast and true throughout all of this its you. We all wish you the safest of days and nights and that this situation ends itself quickly and efficiently without more chaos and undue unpleasantness. Carry on and we'll all be here for you when your crazy days have stifled, no matter how dysfunctional we and this community may also be, you're part of us and us you. We all miss you quite dearly and hope for your safe return in the near future once this invisible adversary has been dealt with."

---

Well, that kind of sums everything up but, we all miss you and are just sending you all the good vibes as you battle on the frontlines of this pandemic. It's because of people like you that we're continuing to fight back against all of this craziness.

Hope you enjoy this weird and slightly insane little look into things past and present between us as a token of my thanks and admiration.

Wishing you so much luck, good health and hoping you're getting at least some sleep out there, Alex

Body Image and Alllllll the Baggage it Brings.

If I’m being honest with  myself, a lot of my self-loathing is centered around negative body image and all that it brings with it. I’ve had a horrible relationship with food my entire life and some lousy genetics to go with it. On good days, I don’t actually think about what I look like, how big I am, or whether or not others find me attractive. I can go about my day to day and not feel like I’m burdened by my size or appearance. The problem lies in the bad days, which are far more frequent than the good. Those are the days where I feel utterly crippled by my size and completely disgusted with my appearance so much that I typically make matters worse by seeking comfort in my favorite foods.

Body image is something most people, particularly women, typically struggle with so I’m sure it comes as no surprise that it would be one of my biggest battles. What I think people don’t realize is the depth that my insecurities go when it comes to my day to day interactions. There are things I replay over and over in my brain on a loop that sometimes drive me absolutely insane and it becomes exhausting. When you struggle with disordered eating habits and negative self-image, you also feel an intense hatred and shame towards yourself for enabling the destructive behavior you hate. For me, that materializes in binge eating and making constant jokes about  my overeating, general slovenly nature and desire to be the “fat and lazy” person I assume people think me to be based on my appearance. So, let’s start at the beginning, folks….

I have struggled with body image my entire life. High school was utter hell for me trying to navigate how to be the kind of girl boys wanted to talk to and date, despite the fact that I wasn’t a size 2. I’m naturally a goofy person so I typically leaned into the humor thing to cover up my shame but it all came to a head when I was about 15 and slowly stopped eating normally and focused my attention on athletics to try and shed some weight. This is when my battle with food really started and I remember how amazing it felt when I lost like 45 pounds and guys suddenly paid attention to me, girls complimented me and I had to have all my marching band outfits taken in. (Marching band was cool – COME AT ME). I joined the field hockey team, didn’t eat breakfast or lunch and ate only peanut butter toast for dinner most nights after getting home from my games/practices/work/rehearsals etc. and suddenly I was wearing size 8 pants and feeling like I might actually be attractive.

My confidence was short lived, however, because like most young girls come to find out, I still wasn’t good enough for myself or for other people. I was a size 8 but not a size 4. My stomach wasn’t flat. I really couldn’t run without wanting to die (I have asthma, and heart complications I discovered late in high school) and despite being a healthy size, I had a group of friends who constantly teased me about things and called me names like “Big Hoss” and “Hoss the Plump” (now – your instinct will tell you to be mad at these people and say ‘they’re jerks!” and you’re not wrong – they were – but they were also 15 and idiots who hadn’t grown up yet. We were all idiots and jerks back then so go easy on them) and I can remember distinct moments that ultimately led to me having a more strained relationship with food throughout my time in high school.

I remember being so excited to wear a bikini one summer because I finally lost enough weight and wasn’t afraid to show my stomach and one day my friends and I all went swimming and we played chicken — you know, that game where the girls are lifted on the guys shoulders and fight till one drops — and when I got put on someone’s shoulders, another one of my friends was on the deck of the pool shouting “no God, my eyes” and making fun of my size. That was the first night I went home and tried to make myself throw up after eating. I remember crying and realizing it was too loud to hide from my parents so I cried myself to sleep and just hoped I could do better at not eating the next day.

The second time I tried to make myself throw up was after my boyfriend and I had gone shopping. We got home and laid all our clothes out on the floor to show his mom (because apparently that’s the cool thing to do) and he compared my polo shirt to his because his was a small and mine was a large and made a comment about how I weighed more than he did (I will remember our weight at this time until I die because this moment is so engrained in my memory – I weighed 142 pounds at the time, he was 137). I left his house that night and tried so hard to find a way to become bulimic, silently, so I could stop gaining weight and become a girl who wore a small t shirt size.

Fast forward and I got into a healthy relationship, found my first experience with what I would call my first love, and my battle with food was set aside for a while and I had started to gain a little more weight again. I didn’t care as much because I was happy and felt loved, but I did notice some stuff changing with my physicality and my gym teacher noticed too. That was when I discovered some issues with my heart and my doctor ordered me to stop doing extracurricular physical activity so that I could figure out what was happening with those. Turns out, I had some weird murmur thing and some issues with a signal, had to wear this freaky monitor thing blah blah blah but I ALSO had polycystic ovarian syndrome and hypothyroidism which are notorious for causing weight gain and can run rampant without physical exercise to keep them under control. My first semester of college I gained like 100 pounds and my relationship with food got even worse. I couldn’t binge and purge because the purging part was too loud and difficult for me to accomplish (and if you don’t believe me, ask one of my sorority sisters what I sound like when I vomit – it’s insane how loud I am) so I fell into a depression about it and began to cope by binging all the time.

Since the beginning of college, I’ve had a binge eating disorder that I have struggled to cope with. I had these tendencies even as a kid, though. I remember my parents cleaning my room and questioning why I had all these spoons hidden near my bed because I ate peanut butter by the spoonful at night in secret. It got so bad once that I got the flu shortly after and threw up peanut butter and couldn’t eat it for like a year.

I eat horribly as it is – and I will be the first to admit that – but somewhere along the line my relationship with food became this toxic, shameful thing that I would use to cope with my loneliness, frustration, stress and sadness. I can remember times during grad school where I would eat an entire pizza and then instantly get sick not because I wanted to purge but because I physically made myself sick by overeating and I couldn’t stop. It was horrible and upsetting but I couldn’t bring myself to stop doing it, and it was only exacerbated by the fact that losing weight was much harder for me as someone who had a genetic predisposition to weight gain.

So what’s the point I’m trying to make by telling you all these stories? I’m glad you asked!

Body image is a horrible, horrible beast that has hung over my life for as long as I remember. Because of the way I struggled when I was younger, and a size 8 (and a gorgeous girl, if I might add) I look at who I am now, and I cannot even fathom how people could tolerate the person I’ve become let alone find it to be something worthy of love. If that girl got made fun of and had a hard time finding people who found her attractive, what hope does the woman I am now have?

This is the way I think. Every. Single. Day.

What’s different now is that people are nice enough not to mock me to my face or tell me how they really feel because they recognize it’s probably rude to call someone a “pink whale”, regardless of how rooted in truth the statement is. My weight and subsequent shame surrounding my weight has held me back from SO MANY THINGS I would love to do, and I hate it so much.

When people want to go to shows, or concerts, or theaters, or theme parks, I have to worry about whether or not I will fit in a chair. Like – what? That’s insane, but it’s a very real concern I have now whenever I do an activity and it’s even more embarrassing at the event when my whole body is uncomfortably spilling over the sides of chairs and touching everyone around me and I’m hot and sweating and just generally a monsterous beast. I have to worry about how much I’m going to sweat if we walk around a lot, or if I’ll be in pain because I’m not used to doing that much physical activity. I hate it so much because when you’re with a group of other people you never want to be the one that holds other people back, so I have adopted this philosophy of just not going to avoid ruining the good time for others. If I don’t go – I can’t feel ashamed by the fact that I can’t fit in a chair. If I don’t go – no one has to go slower so I can keep up.

But in adopting this philosophy, I feel like I’ve missed out on so much and I’ve gotten in this cycle of just not doing anything. I don’t have fun at events because I’m so anxious about what will happen, or I simply don’t attend at all and feel isolated and alone. It becomes this vicious cycle, too, because I think about trying to meet someone or go on dates and realize I’m a really boring person. Not because I’m actually boring or want to be, but because my weight has literally isolated me from being able to experience life the way others do. I do the same, boring things, day in and day out, not because I necessarily want to, but because physically I am limited in what I am able to do comfortably. And don’t get me started on what my weight has done for the idea of sharing intimacy with another person…

Well, fine, since you asked – how can I possibly date anyone if I’m so ashamed of my body I don’t want to be seen in public let alone intimately? That fear has basically stopped my dating life in it’s tracks. You see, I’m not the girl who gets noticed because you find me physically attractive – this I know – but I am someone people generally like talking to and interacting with because as I mentioned before, I am privileged in that I’m smart, talented and humorous (I’m also SO modest) so I can be quite engaging when you get to know me. At any rate, despite the fact that people like to talk to me and find me to be interesting, I’m never the girl people want to date, and I believe a lot of that is due to my body image. I don’t look like the girl you want to bring home. I look like the girl you want to ask for advice or tell your problems to before you call your girlfriend to go out that night.

But more importantly – even if I was the girl you wanted to bring home – I wouldn’t be able to believe you. I wouldn’t know how to trust that you were genuinely attracted to me because I am so disgusted by myself that I can’t fathom someone else may have a different opinion than mine. And my body image has left me with such negative self-worth and isolation that I’ve inherently cut myself off from attracting other people. There’s nothing attractive about someone who’s self-conscious and self-deprecating. People aren’t attracted to the girl who’s always putting herself down. But I don’t know how to be anything else. I don’t know how to change my own opinion.

How do you learn how to love yourself?

I’ve never been able to answer that question and I think it’s ultimately led to a big hole in my life and is the fundamental reason I’m not happy.

Now, the response I will get here is likely “oh my gosh, you have so much to offer though! You’ll find someone. The right person is out there who will love you for you!” and I’m not saying that those aren’t kind things to say, or even false things, but also – it doesn’t make it suck any less.

I have not been in a relationship in like 6 years. I have developed this sarcastic, hilarious exterior that talks about how much I hate cuddling, and I don’t want your hot breath on my face when you sleep next to me, boys are too demanding, I don’t want to compromise my wants and needs to take care of someone else – and honestly, those are actually all true things – but it’s not representative of the way I truly feel towards relationships, it’s just easier to say all of that then be the pathetic single friend in your group of all married and committed couples who are buying homes and having kids together while you’re going home every night and re-watching the Office for the 13th time alone while you eat pizza and troll Instagram.

What I want, is to start a family and share my life with someone who is genuinely interested in me. I want to have a partner to grow with. Someone to invest my time into and support while they do the same for me. I want to be loved in a way that only a relationship can give (I know I have a lot of people who love me, and I’m so grateful for that, but this is a different need). I want to trust that someone truly wants me as their partner and loves the person that I am.

What shatters that whole desire is my body image. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to trust that someone could love me for me. Can they love my personality? Sure. That’s easy (until I become irrational and start tweaking out for no reason other than I’m a girl and the wind is blowing outside- that’s for another day, though). I don’t know that I’ll ever be happy with how I look and feel. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to make fun plans and not start a long chain of endless thoughts on the “what ifs” that will come with me doing that activity.

I just don’t know.

And I hope that someday this will go away. But for a girl who’s overweight, this is the biggest obstacle in my path right now. This is something that plagues my thoughts every single day in almost every activity I do.

Some days, it’s just really freaking hard to deal with.

from WordPress https://rheyareads.wordpress.com/2019/02/15/body-image-and-alllllll-the-baggage-it-brings/

Title

I told you in my first letter that I didn't eat meat or dairy, only because it was really important to me, but I wasn't expecting you to remember, it was also just a sentence or two. And I really didn't think you would answer with a long letter, just probably say something about feeling relieved and that it didn't look like I was someone that actually knew you in real life or something.

I didn't say I stay away from most foods, though. I eat bread and pasta too, I eat everything that has nothing to do with animals. Yesterday I actually made pasta because it was this small package and yet it was over 800 calories, I only used mushrooms and this 450 grams jar of tomato sauce.

If I feel like it I will make spaghetti today. I've decided to try to eat a lot of pasta while I'm here, since it's fattening. What I meant is that if I wanted to eat a lot of calories I couldn't just do it with a jar of peanut butter a day or something similar, a week would be fine, but if I tried to keep that up it would be way too much fat for my heart no matter how healthy I was. Three spoons a day would probably be healthy, but that's not even 300 calories. And that other than that most fattening foods have something to do with animals.

I also eat anything unhealthy that I feel like having, but really, without cheese, is there any tasty junk food left? I loved cheese so much. I don't miss it because I know that most cows go through hell. But I loved it, that was the thing that I ate the most, chocolate milk too, but cheese was beautiful, and there are so many types.

Then I also ate enough butter. Now I try to compensate with potatoes, they are great too. I had some pizzas made with potato cheese and they were great, it tasted like real cheese, sort of like cream cheese but the texture was like mozzarella. But there are probably a lot of awful potato cheeses out there. And that's the only fake cheese I've had.

I used to eat Mexican food at least twice a week, I never liked it that spicy and I used a lot of cheese and sour cream, it's good, it depends, I don’t like all the dishes.

Obviously they make a lot of awful stuff and call it Mexican food, but I feel like Taco Bell is probably decent even if it's not the real thing, I just never got to try it. It looks like junk food, that's why I assume it should be good. I loved junk food, I still would.

I don't care for jalapeños though, only when you can't see them, when they mix them with nacho cheese. Not that I have nacho cheese anymore, and nacho cheese is actually American of course.

Before I dropped dairy my favorite foods were Mexican, Italian, and also burgers and Mac and Cheese, many things that Americans love, now I can't tell, I would probably say "potato."

I often eat bananas, beans, avocados, mushrooms, bread, tortillas, either made from corn or flour, sometimes soy chorizo. It's this sort of meat, but fake, obviously. It has always been so common here, though, you can get it made from pork or from soy in every store. I guess it's that common because of pork allergies or something, it tastes the same as the one made from pork, probably because it has a lot of condiments.

And they make tacos out of everything but the best were the ones made with adobada, which is pork too, it looks red because of how they prepare it. Anyway, I sometimes make tacos with soy chorizo, they taste the same.

I remember that Victor liked Mexican food too, and yesterday I thought that, though I don't feel like I would have wished my ex-girlfriend ill or hated her if my break up had happened back when I was Victor's age, since we had some fights back then and I never behaved like that, maybe he wouldn't have behaved like that if your break up had happened when he was 24. It also didn't speak more badly of him than of most men, I know most men and even women behave just like him after a break up no matter how old they are.

But until yesterday I wasn't thinking of Victor's age at all, as I've said, not that it was an excuse, but he was too young. It also surprised me when he behaved like that because even if he was sort of basic, he wasn't like most men, in the sense that he was too sensitive, and genuinely respectful of women. I wasn't expecting something that hateful from him.

I sort of probably read the whole story about that one girl, and even more now that I saw a lot of your old posts, from back when he was still with you, I assumed she was the same girl. I never sent you any anons about her, I read two anons or so, trying to be helpful, and after your break up I saw his cheesy posts too, just didn't know she was Irish or anything.

Oh, I hadn't even read the part where you mention his age too when I talked about it. I just don't see why people cheat, because if it gets to the point where you want to try something with someone else then you should just break up and be honest, like the stupid thing my ex-girlfriend did, which I think was awful but it was the best way to go about it if she was going to sleep with him no matter what.

I know they do it because they are not sure that the relationship is over, but I don't see how they can convince themselves that they have the right to deceive the other person. I understand that Victor threatening to kill himself was also a factor, I never did that because, what’s the point, first of all, I have never liked lying, but even if I did, I wanted her to be with me because she wanted to.

Since you said you wouldn't cheat on your boyfriend, that at least not now. I don't really see any reason to do that ever, it was enough with Victor, I understand why people make a mistake but not why they keep repeating it. Maybe you can't help it though, that you can't be sure that you would do the right thing in two or five years. I just don't understand it, but I'm not asking you to explain yourself either.

You talked about having no respect for Victor, but I was always surprised that you could even be attracted to him because of his personality, to me it was like being attracted to a child, other than his looks, he actually looked older than he was. So I understand what you said even if it doesn't excuse cheating, but you have also said that yourself.

Even if I don't know anything about poetry, art is about whatever you want it to be, as long as something it's good I don't think it should be annoying because of the topic, unless it's racist or inappropriate. And I also believe that bad art shouldn't be annoying either, maybe other three people would like it too, and just the fact that the artist liked it should be enough. I don't like it when people laugh at someone else's art. Since art shouldn't be about money then just the fact that someone enjoys it whether they are good or bad at it it's fine.

Not that art that is about money is necessarily bad, a lot of great TV Shows and books were made thinking only of the money. So it really doesn't make sense to me that some would find people making art about themselves annoying. But it wouldn't surprise me. People tend to find anything self-centered annoying too. I've never understood, as long as you are being respectful they shouldn't care.

They don't care with me, since I'm respectful. But I always see people complaining about those who aren't humble, and praising humble people. Why care about how high someone’s opinion of himself is, that seems like such a stupid thing to worry about. I couldn’t care less if someone else thinks he is a god as long as he is respectful and as long as he doesn’t want me to say he is superior to me. Yet I would feel like slapping someone if they listed humbleness as one of their virtues. So you don’t think you are a big deal, but you think that’s some big deal, please release me.

I've read that about Cleopatra but not with your words so it was good to read your version, other than that and what little I watched in Rome I don't know that much about her. But when it comes to her it makes sense, assuming what they say is true, she wasn't betraying him over nothing, most people would put their children's lives over everything else. So if most women had to choose and they thought it was a good idea, they would sacrifice their husbands too even if it was true love.

I would never do that and that's why I know I shouldn't have any children and I won't. I would never sacrifice my wife for my children, and I would always think that my wife is more important, even if I can’t know if I would sacrifice my children for my wife, but I probably would.

I wouldn’t sacrifice my dog for my wife though, but it’s different, he wouldn’t understand and he would feel betrayed, he is a dog, maybe the child would since he would love his mother and I would dare then.

That’s sort of why I said you definitely wouldn’t murder Cersei, in some anon, though maybe you would. She is not a dog, but she is so arrogant and selfish she wouldn’t be able to understand, no matter how paranoid she is, at least that’s the way I feel when it comes to her. So if I actually knew her and cared for her and had to murder a few people she would never be an option even if I cared for the other people just as much. I personally would be sure that she would be incapable of understanding why someone needed to sacrifice her, why someone would choose not to murder other people before touching her, she’s so immature, I wouldn’t want her to die feeling so desperate, angry, and shocked.

I never expect you to remember anything I say, and I repeat this, there's nothing wrong with that, I’ve a great memory, but that’s me. My grandma always says so and she always forgets everything I say, my mom forgets most things too. Lately my whole brain has been affected, including my memory, because I don’t sleep. I also don’t interact with anyone other than my family and my dog.

But I've talked about my journals enough times, I bring it up so you don't think I'm just saying that, now that you ask, not that you were judging me because of it, I know you weren't, but it's not something I'm doing, keeping some journal about you.

About how I've always wanted to keep a journal but felt that I didn't have much to write even if I talk a lot, but that once I started back in August of 2017 I've actually somehow filled a lot of notebooks.

So I don't write our conversations because they are too long and I don't know how long they could get or if they will stop soon too, since copying them would take a lot of time I'm not currently doing that. As I told you yesterday.

But ever since I started my journals I wrote whatever anon I sent you and the answer, and I do that whenever I talk to someone over the internet or send a text message, since I barely do it, otherwise it would be impossible to keep that up. But not with my friend, she annoys me, I don't think I've ever mentioned her in my journals, and not with the man that I sometimes write to.

Two weeks ago or so I sent this girl some information about tags, we had never talked before and that was the only time, because it looked like she didn't know that only the first five tags show up, at least if you are not using some extension and I don't use any, and she would often write the most important tags at the very end. I had wanted to do it for a long while, but one day I suddenly decided it would be a good idea, at first I kept wondering if she was aware and she didn't care. I think she actually cared, but whatever it was she answered that she didn't already know it. I wrote that in my journals too.

I write about trying a new brand of bread also, or about somehow finding something I’ve always eaten tastier than usual or about eating something for the first time in years, I write about how much I want my neighbors to rot in hell. I’ve always just loved words and writing with my hand, keyboards too though, but never fiction, just my thoughts. One day I noticed my reflection while washing my hands, it was some jar made of metal, I liked the angle, it was odd, I wrote about it too.

And I'm not a good writer, talk a lot, (with my mouth too whenever I have the chance) and keep repeating myself, in my journals I do nothing to avoid repeating myself, I enjoy it, they are still words.

I like to paste stuff on them and I also write whatever quote I like or lyrics. I haven't skipped a single day ever since I started, sometimes it's just a sentence, but I still write a lot of pages when I feel like it, I used to write in my journals even more before I started writing to you.

I just remembered that since the first journal I started was thick you actually got to appear there, I was still using that one after your break up, I started it on August 27/28. I remember I had just watched the latest episode of Game of Thrones that has aired, less than 24 hours before I started it and the first thing I wrote about was that episode.

I was mostly avoiding you back then though because you love jumping to conclusions, and spoilers, (I never forgot that one Kylo picture that someone somehow managed to believe it was Finn’s chest though it was clearly Kylo’s, I wasn’t even wondering about it and never did, I was surprised when I saw that post, that there was any doubt about it, so it stayed with me forever, not that the scene was what the trailer made it look like anyway, well it was, but Rey says that one line to Luke) I’m afraid of spoilers. So I also was avoiding you once The Last Jedi was close enough. The Last Jedi is my favorite movie ever which speaks so much about how I have barely watched any movies at all.

Back in 2013 I had this thing called Ask.fm, I only sent questions to myself, sometimes my friend asked me things too, she also made one, I wrote enough things there, and once in a while I visit and I copy whatever I like in my journal, I want to eventually copy everything that I find interesting from that account.

I would like to do that with my Facebook too, the one I had when I was with my ex-girlfriend, which is always deactivated, I only activate it every five months or so, to see it's still there.

And I want to copy her Last.fm and have already written some pages down, (the fact that both pages end with “.fm” is just some dumb coincidence) it's way too long though, and so is the stuff from Facebook.

Our MSN/Skype conversations (I only have the ones after 2009, but sadly we broke up for some months and I deleted the ones from the start of our relationship since I thought it was over, and then I was way too young to know a thing about keeping memories when we were friends back in 2005 so I have nothing) are even longer and I would copy most of them, but maybe the conversations would be too much, I don’t know how many books. So I don't know, sometimes I think I should wait and see if I get over that relationship in a year or two and save myself the trouble.

When it comes to triggers though, no one can really do that, but since you ask, just don't say anything sad about animals, I guess, it makes me extremely sad, I feel something in my chest for weeks whenever I accidentally read something bad that happened to an animal, luckily it goes away eventually, but it lasts for a long time.

My mom's boyfriend isn't really patient and he is often stressed, he doesn’t have anxiety or anything, he is just a moron. But he is also like your description of a dog, he is pretty lazy and doesn't care about anything, but watches action movies and plays games on his phone, he hates reading, he likes soccer too, like a dog chasing a ball, he barely sees my mom, can go weeks without seeing her for something other than leaving her some envelope with money under the door, sometimes even months. He is definitely not asexual but he is likely not an average person when it comes to sex, he even once told my mom that he liked sex but that he had never been crazy about it. He is pretty odd when it comes to everything, actually, not just sex.

Back when the Pokemon app was really popular he was catching Pokemon at the beach. He isn’t childish though, his friends call him “uncle” because he acts like an old man. And he probably doesn't care that much about children either, but whenever he visited my mom's family, the boys would kick him and punch him and he would just sit there and not say anything. One time one of the boys even told him, not angry, wanting to play with him "come here, come so I can hit you" and he was about to get up and allow himself to be kicked but his mother heard him and told him to stop.

Atlas Shape Fitness Tracker First Impression

The Atlas Shape, by Austin-based Atlas Wearables, is a legit fitness tracker, including steps, sleep, personal-training, training programs--but for me, it's only a half-solution to me. That said, it's the missing half to my Atlas Wristband2, which lacks the all the fitness tracker functions Atlas Shape offers me but with a suite of workout, weightlifting, and training functions that the Atlas Shape lacks. Luckily, they work beautifully together and you'll generally find me wearing both devices whenever I am getting my sweat on.

Wearing both my Atlas Wristband2 and Atlas Shape The Wristband2 and Shape are Peanut Butter and Chocolate

I originally purchased Atlas Wristband2 because I do a lot of two-handed kettlebell swings. That, walking, and indoor rowing is the holy trinity of my workout regimen. I wanted to be able to track my kettlebell swings so that I could swing without needing to count. I wanted to just focus on my form and my breath. The Wristband2 is just a dumb sensor with a little memory and some autonomous smarts. Set it on FREESTYLE and if you have had the forethought to download the right exercises to your device, your device will not only identify your exercise but also judge your form and track your heart rate (HR). All the magic happens on the web server in their data center. The Atlas Wristband2 Isn't a Fitness Tracker But The Shape Is

The battery of the Atlas Wristband is limited, even with the MOWER SAVE MODE set to ON. So, you need to be judicious and make sure that you charge your device completely before you need it again. The Atlas Shape, on the other hand, is both surprisingly thinner, smaller, more delicate, and much more of a fitness tracker like the Fitbit Charge, Fitbit Blaze, Garmin Vivoactive, Fitbit Versa, Fitbit Altra, Garmin Vivosport, the Apple Watch, Jawbone UP Move, Misfit Flash, Xiaomi Mi Band 2, Fitbit Flex 2, or the Fitbit Zip's always clipped to the hem of my rowing trou. I Refuse to Use the Apps and Notifications

Yes, the Atlas Shape offers apps and notifications that I neither use nor have enabled. They include SMS, missed call, incoming calls, e-mail alerts, social media, calendar events, loss protection, and "activate screen on wrist raise." I don't use any of them. There's a warning underneath these toggle options that warns you that every single smartwatch sort of update or notification will reduce the band's battery life--so, no to all of those guys! I Wear My Shape in My Trou When I Use My Treadmill Desk

I transitioned from my Fitbit Charge HR to my old school Fitbit Zip when I realized that wrist-based step-trackers are not ideal when it comes to treadmill desks. For me, I clip my Fitbit Zip to the hem of my rowing trou and then use the polypro/lycra blend of the trou to mount my Atlas Shape to my right thigh when I am walking on the treadmill desk (I don't know how it works yet--I am comparing the steps my Fitbit tracks with the Shape and with the number of steps my desk tells me I have taken. We'll see in a follow-up post. Charging Is Easy But It's Not Simple

I love having a generic USB charger for my devices. Micro-USB or Mini-USB. However, those USB ports and plugs, both male and female, fail so quickly. Yikes! So, it's nice that the Shape has a very nice, magnetized, proprietary charging dock. That said, don't lose is or you're SOL. I have mine in its little home and it works really well. Instead of a gator clip like some Garmins have, it's magnetic. It's cute, and it mates with a Micro-USB. Neither the Atlas Wristband2 nor the Atlas Shape take long to charge up, but the Shape lasts a lot longer and is intended to be on your body all the time. Don't Wear the Atlas Shape in the Shower Dude, right after I showered with my Fitbit Shape, things started going wrong. So, immediately after my shower, I checked the Atlas FAQ and it says NO SWIMMING OR SHOWERING which is a serious fail since the Wristband2 is more durable than that, I think. Here's the notice, for your convenience: Atlas Shape is water-resistant, which means it is rain-proof and splash-proof and can stand up to even the sweatiest workout. However, do not swim or shower with your tracker. Shape is able to resist water, but it is not 100% full proof (water-proof). Whenever you get your tracker wet, dry it thoroughly before putting it back on.

So, while my device still tracks my steps and my sleep and syncs with the Atlas Shape app, but the touchscreen is being a total jerk. I need to thwack it with my fingers and swipe hard at it and maybe the LED screen will turn on or maybe not. I need to become a heavy-handed beast with this device, which is OK, because I don't really need to interact with it all the time (because I have all the notifications turned off).

But, it's annoying. And I would call it partly broken after the first offense. But I don't want a replacement. Why? Because the screen never turns on anymore unless I really want it to so I guarantee I am generally only sipping battery. If the screen is mostly unresponsive, the Atlas Shape fitness tracker will surely last a short week at the very most. It does pop on once in a while to let me know it thinks I'm sleeping and to remind me to be more active.

But I am going to take it off before going to the pool, the beach, or into the shower. Pity. So close to being competitive with all the other devices, which are pretty much all pool and shower-friendly. I recommend charging your Atlas Shape while you're doing the dishes, washing your car, taking a bath, grabbing a shower, or at the pool or the beach. That's enough charging. Sleep Tracking isN'T Fancy Like GARMIN, Fitbit, or TomTom

My Casio G-SHOCK with my Atlas Shape I love the Atlas Shape sleep tracker. It tells me all I need to know. When I hit the sheets, how long it took me to fall asleep, how fitful my sleep was, and how many minutes of actual sleep I got (versus just the amount of time I was supine or prone in bed). Garmin, Fitbit, and TomTom have a lot of other cool metrics, but I like what my delicate, red, unobtrusive, and svelt, offers me. Besides, a lot of those other new devices, especially the Fenix, Suunto, Apple Watch, and TomTom which are beefy and oftentimes made of steel, aluminum, and titanium. You can see how tiny this device is compared to the size of my Casio G-SHOCK Military Black Series (DW-5600BBN-1JF). I Get to Track My Workouts Using an AI Robot Lady

I have an Atlas-supplied Coach. But she's a robot lady. I assume she's a lady because this device seems to be the more feminine of the two Atlas devices. It's so purty and delicate and red and svelt and all the workouts are pretty feminine. I am into it. I am a modern man. Whenever I wear both devices, it's total yin and yang. See it yourself. I'll share it again here. See how good they look together? And they work together, too! The main differences between the Atlas Shape and the Atlas Wristband line of workout trackers is that the Shape only offers guided workouts. As far as I know, the Shape isn't as smart as the Wristband2.

It has a little HR one-LED heart rate monitor (compared to the three green LEDs on the Wristband) and when you let your Atlas Shape App know you want to do a predefined workout, it tells you what to do and when you do it, your Shape knows what you're doing it, so it leads you. The Wristband2, when using FREESTYLE, which is the only way use it, follows your lead, trying to use its big machine learning brain and little black box full of sensors to sort out which exercise you're doing for any set, from pushups to TRX rows to crunches to deadlifts to anything I throw at it--just as long as that exercise has been intentionally downloaded to the device before I start working out. It's super cool. What's better?

ELIZA (click to see larger) That my Shape App recognizes all the workouts I do using my Wristband2--without conflicting with it. They work together beautifully, once you get it working (don't be frustrated on your first sync, it can be a little tricky). So, once you do all your FREESTYLE reps on your Wristband, they show up not only in the diary/journal/log of workouts on the Atlas Dashboard but also on the Shape App, and all of your workouts synced from your Wristband is included in whatever my very own AI robot mistress personal trainer IM chatter lady tells me.

She--I'll call her Eliza from now on--knows all the manly work I've been doing on my other device and includes them all in my real-time coaching (not by a person but by the equivalent of a fitness ELIZA. I thought I would show you what it looks like but it sort of looks like a combination of ELIZA, an SMS/Chat back and forth with a real trainer, and a choose your own adventure/Japanese role-playing Nintendo game. You can't ask any unique questions, you can only choose from a couple questions that it asks you at the end of every analysis that robot Trainer Eliza offers you. I feel like I have run out of first impressions. I chose not to call this a full review because I have had some technical difficulties over the last week or so--but I just didn't want to wait any longer. Read the full article