how do u draw so much so fast

well,

Friends With Monsters - Part 1

Requested by a user on ao3. I’m putting “Part 1″ on this because I already know I’m coming back to revisit this crew in the future. ***

One would perhaps think that as the first mate, the captain might deign to give Geta the slightest hint of reasoning for their latest addition to the crew. Or at least, that’s what First Mate Geta Erenti thought.

Adding an arzhi?! To the crew?! Did the captain want everyone to die a gruesome death?! The incidents at the Oshe’al Belt weren’t so long ago that they’d been lost to memory, and the arzhi had played a major part in the brutal battle, both in space and planetside warfare. They were large and imposing, on average standing head, shoulders, and chest above even the tallest biet, human, or thrishal. They were covered in short fur, spikes, and dense muscle that tore relentlessly through ground troops, and reacted quickly with any manner of weapons or at the control of a fighter ship. There were members of this very crew that had been part of the battle. There were even more members of this very crew that had lost people they knew in that battle. And yet when Captain Stern Bauer sent her the updated ship roster, there was an arzhi on the list of new recruits. Not only that, but they were listed as a new ship medic! Geta went immediately to find the captain. He was on break in the mess hall, eating a bowl of brenntar like he hadn’t a care among the stars. “Captain Stern, sir, do you have a moment that I could speak with you?” The Captain sighed and put down his eating utensils. “I think I already know what you’re here to talk to me about and I would like to point out that the roster has already been posted and the new recruits are already en route to our coordinates. No, there is nothing I can do to change that, and even if there were, I wouldn’t.” Geta held her beak shut tightly before a few words escaped that she’d regret saying. She’d served under Captain Stern long enough to know to hear and recognize the tone of his voice. He’d made a decision and that was that. “But why?” Geta finally said once she felt she could contain herself once again. “Why would you put together the roster with… with them on it without at least consulting me?”

“I’ve made plenty of rosters on my own before. You and I both know you would have taken issue with Arzhi Fehl’s inclusion.”

“Of course I do! And for good reasons! At least then I could have perhaps pointed out that having an arzhi aboard this ship could lead to a multitude of issues with the rest of the crew.” Captain Stern stared at her with a gray/green striped face that did not betray any emotions. “I am aware. It was not a decision I made lightly, but I have my reasons for accepting their application to the crew.” He paused to return to his meal briefly to take another bite and chew as Geta looked like she was on the verge of bursting. He’d served with her long enough to recognize the expressions she made when she was trying to hold back her rather… lively emotions. He smiled and finished what was left of his meal. “As captain of this ship, I have full authority to reject or accept new recruits to this crew. I realize you have every right to be upset with me for breaking protocol by not involving you with this last round of recruits, and for that, I do apologize. Although,” he broke his stoic expression to smile mischievously, “one might say I could blame my upbringing on that.” Geta’s tail twitched as a mixture of amusement and annoyance broke through her formal demeanor. He always did that when she caught him bending rules like this. It was a very human thing to do, and while Captain Stern was no human, he had been raised by one. “With all due respect, you can’t keep using that as an excuse to ignore protocol, sir.” “That’s probably true, Geta,” Captain Stern began calmly gathering his things and cleaning up his eating area. “But my ‘bending of the rules’ in deciding the arzhi onto our crew by myself isn’t the only reason you’re here, is it?” Geta clenched her clawed hands so tightly, she almost cut into her calloused pads. She struggled against the swirling torrent of emotions she felt, but she knew it was becoming a losing battle. “Why an arzhi?” She kept her volume down at a reasonable level, but the anger leaked through her voice more than she’d like when talking to a superior, even one as familiar and close to her as the captain. “Why bring such a monster in among our crew?” Having gathered all the mess from his meal, Captain Stern paused and sat silently looking at her expectantly. Geta knew the look. She sighed and slowly unclenched her fists. Her shoulders, she realized were also pulled in tightly and she took a moment to release the tension she’d been holding. The captain smiled ever so slightly and gestured to an empty chair and waited for her to sit before responding. “This is not a decision I’ve made lightly. And again, I must, perhaps less jokingly this time, partially blame my upbringing. You’re aware that when humans first arrived on the galactic scene, they caused quite a stir.” After a few tiks, Geta realized he was waiting for a response. “I’ve heard the stories, yes.” Of course, she had. Everyone knew the stories. Humans, with all their terrifying strength, conquering tendencies, and devious innovations had become somewhat of a power force after making their debut to the galactic community generations ago. Captain Stern continued. “Their ferocity and curiosity scared many at first, but for all that, one of the most curious of their abilities was their capacity of pack bonding. As dangerous as their potential seemed, they wanted to make friends and they were very good at doing so. They could form bonds with anyone from any race after being in close proximity for any length of time.” Geta sat back in her chair and sighed. “Sir, if I am understanding what you’re getting at here, do you mean to say that you’re letting an arzhi aboard the ship because you were adopted by big scary humans and turned out alright?” Captain Stern smiled and stood from his seat with his meal tray. “Something like that.” With a slight nod of dismissal, he left her to stew in his words. Geta watched him leave the mess hall and continued staring long after he disappeared from sight. The captain may biologically be a rerlut, but he certainly had the human stubbornness and charm down to an art. She had to admit though, there were a lot of his strange human traits he’d picked up that made him a fantastic captain. She trusted him completely, but she’d be hard-pressed to say that she wasn’t at least a little apprehensive of this latest decision. The captain seemed to be heavily relying on making connections between the humans’ past with the arzhi. She shook her head. Perhaps she could help and be sure to assign a few of the humans on the crew to help the new recruit get acclimated. *** Captain Stern followed the sound of yelling toward the med bay. The ship’s new recruits had arrived only four solar cycles ago and there’d already been two incidents on report. He was on his way now to make sure there wasn’t a third made. Medical Officer Arzhi Fehl had been just as big and as imposing as everyone expected him to be. When he first stepped out of the shuttle he’d arrived on, everyone was sure to give him plenty of space. That lasted for the first solar cycle. The first altercation hadn’t involved any physical blows, but it would have if Geta had not been there to break it up as quickly as she did. Afterwards, his First Mate had made sure there was a rotation of human crew mates accompanying Fehl at all times. It was a good idea. The humans had stayed out of the Oshe’al Belt battles for the most part, so they held no inherent animosity to the arzhi. What’s more, the humans also held a lot of influence and respect aboard the ship. Having them associated with Fehl’s presence seemed to have an effect on both the new and veteran crew mates. The next report had been less serious, but threats had been made and duties disturbed. As he rounded the final turn to the med bay, he could make out voices. He noted that none of the angry yells were in Fehl’s deep tone. That was something at least. It took the reception room’s occupants a few tiks to notice his presence, but once they did, everyone fell silent. “What is the meaning of this?” He kept his voice low and even. It was the same voice his mother used when he would get caught getting into big trouble. He was told it was slightly terrifying, so he only used it when he really needed to. No one answered at first. He gave them a moment to realize he was expecting an answer. Finally, someone, an older ehot engineer named Irubin spoke up. “It’s not right.” Captain Stern shifted to better look at the crew mate. Irubin’s scales were weathered with age, but not so old that they had lost their rich, dark orange color. A few scales were missing here and there. Especially along his scars. Scars that the Captain knew had been inflicted on Irubin when he was a young soldier fighting planet side at Oshe’al. “Would you care to elaborate, Ehot Irubin?” The engineer looked uncomfortable. “It’s not right that he’s here,” he pointed at Fehl as if everyone didn’t already know who ‘he’ was in reference to. “He’s a monster. They’re all monsters and we shouldn’t be subjected to sharing a ship with them. He’s probably planning on killing us all once we’re not expecting it.” In the corner of his eye, Captain Stern saw one of the humans, Victoria step forward. “You can’t know that? How could you-! Why would you even-?! You don’t know him! Fehl is a sweetheart, which you’d know if you took five minutes to try to talk to him like a civilized-” Captain Stern held up a hand. Victoria, paused in mid-rant, dipped her head and stepped back again. He noted that she stood a little closer to Fehl this time as if she was moving to put herself in between the arzhi and everyone else. “I know what you’re trying to do, Captain, sir,” Irubin said with much less vitriol in his voice this time. “And what is that?” Irubin looked uncomfortable like he’d maybe wished he hadn’t said that aloud. “You… you’ve been assigning humans to be with him so they’ll pack bond and get the rest of us to… to just… be okay with having him here.” Captain Stern hummed a moment and scratched his chin. “Of course I have. I figured it was the most obvious and sensible thing to do in this case. Humans are capable of forming bonds and friendships with almost anyone, but,” he paused to look over at Fehl and Victoria and then returned his gaze to Irubin, “they only do so with those they feel safe with. Humans are famously intuitive on these sorts of matters. Do you mean to tell me that you’re questioning the humans’ judgment?” Irubin’s short ears bent back. “No, of course not, I-” “And what’s more,” Captain Stern continued, “are you questioning my judgment? Do you think me an incompetent captain of this crew?” His ears went all the way back against his bent neck. “I, I would never, sir. Of course not.” “Good.” Captain Stern straightened his posture and let his shoulders casually drop. “If you and your companions would be so kind as to meet me in my office for a few mentiks. I’d like to discuss the matter here a little more in depth. Perhaps we could brainstorm some ideas together to make sure that understanding is something the rest of the ship shares.” Although he kept his voice lighthearted and level, it was clear that the invitation was in fact an order. The engineer nodded respectfully and was followed out by two other very sheepish looking crew mates. After a moment, only he, Fehl, Victoria, and a small booka sitting on a bench remained in the room. As Captain Stern finished watching the others leave, he turned to look at the fiery cat-like alien expectantly. “Uh, I, I have an appointment with medic Fehl, but if this is a bad time, I can reschedule.” Captain Stern smiled and shook his head. “That shouldn’t be necessary, Churra. I do hope you’ll allow me to delay Medic Fehl just a few more mentiks though?” With a dip of the booka’s head and a slight darkening of fur, Captain Stern returned his full attention back to Fehl. The arzhi medic stood a good head and shoulders above the captain, and a voice in the back of Stern’s mind reminded him that the fears that some on the crew had for the new crew mate were most certainly founded. Not only were arzhi large, powerful, and quick, but they seemed to exude an air of dangerous predator around them. That was, Stern realized, until you got to the eyes. While the rest of them seemed deadly, the eyes were soft and kind. And in Fehl’s case, a little apprehensive and unsure. “Captain, sir, I apologize for this whole mess, and that you had to get involved. I know you’re busy and-” “Don’t worry about me, keeping crew mates in line is part of my job,” Captain Stern waved his hand dismissively. “Another important aspect of what I do is make sure crew mates are adapting well to their new positions. Is there an empty med room available that we can talk alone for a moment?” There were plenty, and the captain and the medic took the first one they found. It was a simple check-up room. A bit small with Fehl’s bulk inside, but not so much that it was uncomfortably cramped. “I’ll keep this quick Fehl, since I know you’re busy,” Stern began. “First off, and I know I said this to you in your arrival interview, but thank you for coming here and being part of this crew.” Captain Stern noticed how Fehl shifted a bit uncomfortably and paused. He waited as the arzhi medic mentally worked to put his words together. “Sir, I… I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but… well I put in many applications to… I don’t even remember how many ships. I know why I was denied so many times, but I wanted this position so badly I just kept trying. And then you… I never expected a Coalition crew... I mean, after the war…” “The war has been over for solar cycles. There’s been peace and trade between our governments. There certainly were no rules that said I couldn’t hire you to my crew.” Captain Stern took a seat and motioned for Fehl to do the same. “That being said, I am not ignorant to the fact that my feelings on the matter are not a popular take with everyone aboard.” “So why accept me on board? My kind has a well-earned reputation of violence, even amongst ourselves. I’m sure most captains threw out my application as soon as they saw my species listed.” “Well for starters, let’s not forget you are quite a skilled medic with an impressive record. Anyone with half a brain would be foolish to ignore that,” Stern chuckled before he quieted into a thoughtful look. “I was always taught to see individuals as they were, not as stereotypes given to a lump sum. As for Ehot Irubin and the others, I’m hoping this will be a teaching experience for them. It’s high time they got over their fear.” “Their fear, sir? Fear of me, I assume?” Captain Stern gave a slight nod. “Of you, partially. Though mostly, I think it’s their fear of facing the future without the prejudices the past has given them.” Fehl thought about it a moment and nodded. “Is that why you assigned humans to help, what was the saying they used... ‘show me the ropes?’” “I put together your schedule since you got here and I know for a fact you’ve had more than just humans as chaperones while you get settled.” “No, but it’s mostly been, humans.” He looked up sharply, “Not that I mind, of course, they’ve been great and I really appreciate them! I’d heard stories about them before, but I’d never been around them before.” He lowered his head and voice slightly as if worried Victoria might hear them from the waiting room down the hall, “Are they always so nice, or is that just part of their duties?” Captain Stern laughed. It seemed to break some shell of apprehension that Fehl had been feeling as a smile broke out over his face and his eyes lit up. Stern noticed that the arzhi smiled like humans and he himself did, with exposed teeth and wide grins. It gave the captain a small swell of affirmation that his decisions to this point had been right. “Medic Fehl, I can’t speak for how all humans are, but I can assure you that the humans aboard this ship are just like that. I wasn’t kidding earlier when I said humans have a great sense of intuition. If they like you, the rest of the crew will come around in their own time and way as well.” Fehl dipped his head low. “Thank you, Captain.” “You’ll do fine, Arzhi Fehl. I’m glad you’re here and am expecting great things on this ship. Aller anfang ist schwer.” Fehl blinked in confusion. Noticing, Captain Stern sighed, “That last part didn’t translate for you did it?” “No sir.” “It means all beginnings are hard. Your translator’s database doesn’t have Earth German integrated. It’s the language I was raised with. Sometimes it fits a situation better than my own native Nort Rerlutti. You must have Earth English, Hindi, and French integrated already, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to understand the humans on the crew.” “You’re bilingual?” “I actually learned several Earth languages before I was old enough to be fitted with my first universal translator. My mother was insistent on that being part of my education.” The captain stood and smiled at the medic who was still taller even while seated. He took in the expression on the medic’s face and smiled. “Do you have any more questions, Medic Fehl? I do need to get back to my office to have a conversation with a few of your crew mates that are waiting for me.” “Captain, if I may ask… you were raised on Earth by humans. Is… is that why you gave me a chance? Are you hoping I can help my people lose our stigma as the humans did theirs? I’m worried… it’s a lot to... I’m not sure if I can.” Captain Stern rested a hand on the medic’s tall shoulder reassuringly. “You worry about your duties as a medic, I’ll worry about the rest. Remember, aller anfang ist schwer.” “All beginnings are hard?” “That’s the way. Now, back to work. I believe you’ve got a booka out in the waiting room to see.”

Bloom Into You Chapter 40 Immediate Thoughts

It was exactly what was promised and exactly what I needed. What WE ALL needed. The only remote complaint I have is that Nakatani-sensei didn’t show the kiss at the end.

But alas, left to the imagination, it was still cute. I suppose. *deadpan look at camera*

Not only was it exactly as promised (or rather, as suggested by the last few pages of chapter 39), but it was exactly what I expected, in the best possible way. This somehow calls to mind that amazing Mr. Plinkett review of The Last Jedi. Can you imagine if Rian Johnson wrote chapter 40 of Bloom Into You? Subverting all of our expectations? (No shade, I jest, I like TLJ.)

Anyway, Nakatani-sensei is as in touch with her own characters as I feel I am in touch with them, thank the gods (or in this case the lesbian goddesses). Yuu and Touko bust ass to get to the student council room, both desperate to see each other. Yuu acknowledges to herself that she is still in love with Touko. Kokoro no ichi ga wakatta yo, as the song goes. But when she gets to that empty room, the adrenaline of the message and the run slips away and she’s left in darkness and solitude, and all of her doubts and apprehension come rushing back immediately. What does Nanami-senpai even want to talk about, anyway? Does Yuu dare to hope? What if what she has to say just breaks her heart all over again? Yuu finds herself waiting and thinking there’s no way Nanami-senpai would run as fast to get here as she did.

Except she totally does, of course. Touko arrives out of breath, sees Yuu’s mistrustful reaction and cuts straight to the chase with a returned love confession. Yuu’s reaction to Touko openly returning her feelings is just confusion at first. Maybe she’s desensitized to Touko saying, “I love you,” even now. Touko just goes on to calmly explain exactly what she means. And Yuu calmly listens. Asks clarifying questions. Works through her own hesitations, her lingering mistrust of the concept of “love.”

The implacable way that Yuu processes her own emotions is always one of the most interesting things to watch. Which is why when she finally, finally cries, it’s so god damn moving. Never in this entire series have we seen this girl cry. Ever. After all the shit she’s been through with Touko, where she’s had plenty of reason to cry, she never did. She locked it away inside. When she gets her heart broken by Touko, Yuu doesn’t cry because she can’t process the pain of it. She describes it as though her heart has gone off somewhere without her. It’s only at the end of the last chapter that she finally allows herself to feel. She’s always struck me as someone who’s quite similar to myself in this way; she refuses to let herself be vulnerable, she heavily dissociates herself from painful emotions and traumatic experiences, and on the flip side she hasn’t been able to find much passion in anything either. She strikes me as the type of person who has rarely cried, maybe in her whole life. So when she cries here, just like fucking lets go and sobs for the first time, finally, I’m dead.

And on the flip side, there’s Touko, who has managed to finally find some peace in her life after the play—but that’s not the instant end of her problems, and that is so important. She’s been living with this unbearably heavy burden for seven years. She’s been living with this pain for so long. It’s not just magically gone. When she holds Yuu’s hands and tells her that she wants to be loved, Yuu even notices this. Her hands are shaking because she’s still scared, in spite of everything. She’s terrified and yet she still pushes forward, because she knows that this is a good thing, and that this is what she wants in her heart. And that’s what I like about her. And when Yuu has her own do-over confession and starts crying, Touko wholeheartedly accepts her and her feelings, she’s there to hold her, not just because she knows how hard it’s been on Yuu bottling it in, but because she’s learning to embrace her own happiness at hearing those words. For herself. These characters are just such good people. So pure.

And don’t even get me started on how fucking cute the scene afterward is! Murder me!

This whole chapter is just one giant long…talk? Like? Characters? Talking to one another? Amazing.

Yuu HUGS her and CRIES and says, “Suki desu. Suki. Daisuki.” “I love you, I love you, I love you so much.” She said it THREE times!!! Not counting the first time!!! DAISUKI, dude!!! I’m dying!!!

Touko KISSES her TEARS. We got a “Geez” up in here!!! We got a “Senpai” and fucking FOREHEAD TOUCH up in here. We got a height difference Yuu-initiated OFF PANEL KISS UP IN HERE. I’m LITERAL MUSH.

What’s going to happen next?! Is the rest of the student council going to leap out of the bushes, yell “SURPRISE! CONGRATULATIONS!” and embarrass everyone? Are the two of them going to take things back to someone’s room and finally satisfy the UST? CUDDLING???

No, in all seriousness, I’m expecting some kind of brief timeskip to at least the next day after they’ve said goodbye for the night and then neither of them can even sleep because they’re so excited and cute, and then…I’m really not sure. Chapter 40 was purportedly the first chapter of Volume 8, which will be the last volume. Last volumes typically have bloated lengths to wrap up series, but not necessarily. So we could have anywhere from four to six chapters left before the end. What’s next for these lovely characters as we hurtle towards the resolution?

My heart really wants this series to remain as grounded as it has always been. Now that Yuu and Touko appear to have resolved their personal issues within their relationship, there is still…you know…the whole gay thing. Two girls in a romantic relationship in a Japanese high school setting is no small matter to gloss over, unfortunately. I want to see them slowly decide how they want to open up to others around them about it, or if they just decide to be up front from the get-go. I want to see Akari and Koyomi and Natsuki find out and see how they react, how inevitably supportive they will be, how fucking cute their friendship with Yuu is, how happy they will be for her. I want to see how Touko’s and Yuu’s families will react, the good reactions and the bad ones. I want to watch Rei physically turn into a pile of mush, just like I did, when she finds out that her hunch was correct and her baby sister has a girlfriend. I want to see the entire school somehow find out via word-of-mouth but ironically no one cares because everyone already thought Touko and Sayaka were lesbians anyway and the only unforeseen factor was Yuu. (And as reactions to the play proved, most people in their school are surprisingly accepting and non-judgmental and it’s precious.) None of this has to be that extensive or dramatic or take up that much time—just a bit of attention would be a nice touch and be incredibly satisfying.

I could watch Yuu and Touko being cute as fuck in a relationship literally all damn week. I’m so excited to watch Yuu finally be able to communicate what she wants from the relationship, to be allowed to show affection, to be as lovey-dovey as she wants. I’m excited to see Touko adjust to that and continue with her process of learning to accept that affection.

I could watch them learn and grow and encounter obstacles together for days, but we have limited time here unfortunately (this ain’t no 30 volume Kimi ni Todoke) and that means we have to trim the fat and focus on the real important stuff that needs to get resolved: HER NAME IS SAYAKA AND SHE DESERVES A GIRLFRIEND.

Sayaka is the UNSUNG HERO of this story. Would chapter 40 have EVEN happened if Sayaka hadn’t had the balls to confess to Touko the way she did and help Touko reach her own emotional catharsis? Sayaka is a selfless and kind soul who is OUT THERE doing the MOST for others. She is precious and her heart has been broken too many god damn times and she deserves better. She just does. This girl deserves a break and in the time the manga has left, my sincerest wish is that she gets one. I want to see her get a happy ending and a girlfriend who is head over heels for her and vice versa. More even than any Yuu/Touko stuff.

That’s my rant. I mostly wrote it the night of the chapter coming out at like 3 am so my feelings were a lot. I don’t even know. I feel like there’s so much more to be said, so much more you could analyze. Like the incredible, INCREDIBLE panel where Touko grabs Yuu’s hand and you can see their silhouettes in the glass, mirroring the exact position they were in last spring in the student council room when it all began. Can you even wait to see that shit adapted for the anime? The kinds of beautiful shit they can do with this scene? And the fucking godly Michiru Oshima soundtrack? I sure can’t. Nakatani’s art, her composition, her use of parallelism…it’s simply gorgeous on every level. But anyway, right now, I’m just gonna post this so I can get it off my chest.

My heart has been fulfilled and I can now survive until May 27th. But I also can’t wait still. :P

So. Sunday. Pokémon Community Day. Specifically, Beldum day.

Under cut for length and also triggers. Trigger warnings for health junk, mentions of hospitals and mentions of death, self harm, and suicide (none of which have happened but are relevant). Plus vague mentions of Dad’s general bigotry.

I gave Dad a heads up for it. On Tuesday/Wednesday (I can’t remember which), and then again on Friday. And on Friday, he even asked questions about it, so it wasn’t in one ear and out the other.

Friday night, I found out Dad had been planning to go up to the cabin with Mom. He never mentioned this to me. Apparently Mom thought he planned to go up Monday, but he had decided they were going up Sunday instead. And Mom expressed concern, which he got mad at her over. Because he hasn’t been up to the cabin since like February and it needs to be winterized or something, but clearly he has to be involved.

For those who don’t know/have forgotten, Dad’s not in the best shape. Last December he went out to LA for a surgery because he had a partially paralyzed diaphragm that was severely impacting his breathing, had rotator cuff surgery in late June, basically a heart attack in mid/late July (at which point we discovered he’s got a clot in a major artery, right over where he had a triple stint placed a decade ago for a 98% blockage), and THEN recently had a double catheter operation to try to loosen the clot.

It didn’t work. At all. So he’ll soon be going in for single-vessel bypass. Long story short, he has been warned several times that he probably should not be going up to altitude, much less doing any sort of physical work at altitude.

Which is why Mom wanted to make the cabin trip a one-day thing on Monday. But Dad got mad about her being worried about his health and firmly decided they were going Sunday.

That night, as I struggled to sleep, I realized that Dad would want to leave well before Community Day started, depriving Mom of it (because there was no way I was going up to the cabin with them). I swear that Dad comes up with something every. Single. Community Day.

Scratch that. Whenever we have plans that involve something that would make my day, Dad comes up with some bs that, even if I do get to do the thing, I end up feeling guilty about doing it.

But I mentioned it (angrily) to Mom, and she reminded Dad, and he ended up saying that they would go after our event ended. Which should have been fine, because he was still getting an extra night up there.

Meanwhile, Mom and I secretly make plans of what to do in case an emergency comes up with Dad going to altitude. Namely, to save time for her, she’d send me a text with an emoji so I would know they were going to the hospital and I should alert my sisters and drive up.

There’s some other stuff that happened on Saturday, namely relating to Dad not doing basic things like alerting Mom when she needed to come in (she asked him to tell her after ten minutes of working outside so that she could make dinner, but then didn’t, and she was too engaged in cleaning up leaves and I didn’t want to deal with grouchy, hungry Dad, so I cooked instead despite being completely drained and distracted) and Mom being too stubborn to take care of herself (woman is developing scoliosis and, despite me asking her to tell me when she was going outside to do more leaves after dinner so I could help her, she spends another hour and a half doing it by herself because she doesn’t want to distract me from my costuming, and only gives up because I come out to help her without shoes or gardening gloves because it’s getting dark and she’s hurting herself). But anyways, Sunday.

We’re gonna go get MDs ice cream beforehand (for Pokémon toys), we’ll meet up with Erin, we’ll all catch some Beldum...it will be great, right? We agree to take two cars because we know Dad will probably get antsy and call wanting to leave, so that I can stay and finish up withe Erin but she’ll get in at least half of the Community Day.

Except, as we are leaving...Dad asks when it’s over, then says he might take the very old truck, leave early, and meet her at the cabin.

He has not driven since mid-June, and is arguably still behind on his recovery. It’s a 2.5 hour drive-1.5 for him because he’s reckless-on curvy, winding mountain roads with steep drops and blind turns. It is, again, going up to altitude, which he has been warned against. Also the truck is nearly as old as I am and probably a little stiff with steering.

Mom and I try to subtly point these things out, but he’s not having it. When Mom gets more blunt about it being dangerous, he gets upset with her. We leave.

At this point we’re already running late in my plan. I don’t realistically see us getting through MDs, at lunch hour, before the event starts (but I don’t have the confidence to go alone, and was going to feel weird asking Erin). I have to go get gas because my gas light is on. I tell Mom to meet me there, and we decide she’ll stay for an hour and then go back, hopefully before Dad can leave.

And the whole time I’m getting gas, I’m fuming. That’s when I made that post, because I was in tears because Dad always gets in the way of my plans. Always. You’ve all seen enough posts of me getting emotional because we had plans that I spend a week getting ready for, and Dad throws a wrench in them at the last minute. Even the ones that include him (like the time I wanted to go to the science museum with him this time last year to see cool dinosaurs).

Because here’s the thing for me: I’m...passively suicidal. I don’t know what the technical term is, but I’m learning to explain it to people like Mom and my psychiatrist. Basically I would love to die, but it’s currently not an option because people need me and it would be detrimental to things. So I’m not acting on it, or on my desire to self-harm, but I have to constantly sit with that feeling. And it’s scary to explain because I can’t emphasize enough that I am not a threat to myself, and do not need to go to the hospital (which for me would only make it worse), but I have to continue with everyday life with that feeling constantly eating at me.

So every day, often several times a day, I’m actively making the choice not to die, or relapse, or do anything that would put me in the hospital, for the sake of not putting more stress on everyone else. Currently, with Mom out of town half the week, Dad needs me to drive him places like pt and the store (which, again, is a place that makes me depersonalize and sets off anxiety attacks, but for him is an outing so he takes his sweet time), so me not acting on those intrusive thoughts and impulses directly affects his life.

And here he is, ready to put himself in severe danger on multiple levels and quite possibly die...because he can’t wait three hours for Mom and I to go catch Pokémon.

I drive him places while actively disassociating, put up with his bigoted rants and opinions that directly contradict my own (it’s not worth saying anything), walk on eggshells to not annoy him or risk him snapping at me, am currently arranging most of my schedule to revolve around his needs, and don’t try to hurt or kill myself...

...and he can’t extend me the courtesy of letting me enjoy myself for a few hours without feeling guilty or anxious that something bad is going to happen.

Community Day ended up working out; I caught 10 shiny Beldum, did two raids with Erin (wherein she got her Mewtwo finally, which made me so happy after getting invited to a million EX raids and she only getting invited to one that she had to skip, so I was happy for her), and then we got Pokémon toys after (the two I wanted most, even). But I had to take anxiety meds the moment I got to the art center, fumed quite a bit an nearly lost my temper with Mom at one point (she was parked in a different area and said she was coming over, but then joined a raid and didn’t tell me, so I got worried after ten minutes passed and she wasn’t with me), and really couldn’t relax an enjoy myself until I got a text from her saying that they were headed up together. Dad even drove, apparently. But imagine how much better it could have been if I hadn’t had to deal with any of that?

Imagine me actually getting a day to be happy and enjoy myself and go through with my plans without worrying about Dad’s...everything? Even the day Erin and I saw Fallen Kingdom was spoiled slightly by me worrying about what time Dad would get out of the hospital, because I decided it was Pride Month and I was wearing my rainbow dinosaur shirt to the movie but needed to know if I would have to change before going home (spoiler: he had to stay another night and all the worrying was for nothing).

I just...I want to be able to be happy and take care of myself and Dad serves as one of the larger roadblocks.

And on Sunday I was done with him.