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#;;help i can barely take care of myself-
carmcndei · 1 year
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@hitokageisei​
dafi, do i officially get to call you my girlboss rn jdkwhe
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as long as you don’t tell them i evade taxes :))))
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solradguy · 9 months
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Whenever I see someone being transphobic on twt in a bridget thread i reply with three pictures of my mains: ky kiske from ac+r, ky kiske from rev 2, and ky kiske from strive.
it self selects for people who actually play the game. it’s canon that he’ll fight off transphobes with the blade. and if they actually played guilty gear they’d get the underlining messages
While it can be really funny to bully these guys back, please keep in mind that nothing you can say or do to these people will hurt them or waste as much of their time as what they say will stick with you or waste your time. It might be funny to send them a bunch of Ky pictures, but what they're doing is laughing that the only response the people they hate can give them is sending a bunch of pictures of anime boys.
The only thing that works is blocking them. They've turned being an asshole into a recreational sport and getting any sort of response in return is a victory for them.
#asks#Unfortunately I was an asshole on the internet once (not a vicious transphobe just a basic internet asshole)#I know exactly how these people function because I was there once...#When you don't take the person you're arguing with seriously it's very easy to laugh at every single thing they do#Which is what these guys are doing. It doesn't matter how well thought out the counter argument is. They don't care and they won't care#All you can hope for is that they're young and they grow out of it (I did)#I feel bad for them because I think about what led to me being like that decades ago. Are they going through the same thing?#I was like that because I was in a hopeless situation and hated myself and hated everyone else#People arguing back just proved my point that everything sucked and my hate was justified#It's an awful feedback loop. People being kind to me felt disingenuous. Why should they be kind? I hated them. They had no reason to be nic#I had to get to a point where I was willing to help myself crawl out of that pit before I let anyone else even get near me emotionally#I still remember the day when I realized I was being a fucked up little shit to everyone lol#Early June 2011. It was sunny with no clouds and there was a cool breeze. I was listening to In This Moment and I realized#'What the hell am I doing? Do I want to be like this forever? Get your shit together man'#It was a slow process from there but I did get out of it. Slowly. Very slowly.#There's a lot I did that I regret and can't ever apologize for because it was so long ago and the names and faces are gone now#Apologizing at this point would be selfish and only for my benefit anyway. I can only hope that what I did didn't hurt people permanently#Anyway. I've never talked about this on here before because it's the kinda shit that gets put on callout posts out of context#So. I am laying my naked soul bare and raw for the sake of underlining my original point: Internet trolls don't care
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dreamlogic · 3 months
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2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)
#ctxt#i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70%#i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections#to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh#going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long#while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time#but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed#to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach#and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me#and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually#i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op)#but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever#i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it#money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out#but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now#genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year#and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough#to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last#in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was#bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive#and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there#but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety#it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself'#and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time?#and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it#i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults#i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed#instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things#and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need#chronic blogging
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flower-zombie-rob · 1 year
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Welcome to day one of how many times can my mother tear me down and destroy my confidence in one go. How many days will this go on? Im not sure! Tune in next time for a brand new episode of Taking Advantage Of My Kids Rejection Sensitivity, youre watching the disney channel.
#Sometimes I really do just honestly kind of hate her. I know it's a horrible thing to say about one's parents who care for them but it's#true. With the way that she treats me and criticises me and takes every advantage of a chance to tear me down it just really hurts all the#time. I can't criticise her because she ll fly off the handle at me and say how many things she does for me that i dont apreciate enough#But for her she can say as many times as she wants that she doesn't like my hair and she doesn't like the way I dress and she doesn't like#This the way I look and she doesn't like the way I stand and she doesn't like the things I say and she doesn't like my beliefs#She can say she doesn't like my tone of voice and that she doesn't like the way i stress out about things and im not allowed to say#A negative word about her in edgeways when she's allowed to tear me down on a constant basis and make me hate myself. As someone who really#Struggles with a lot of self loathing problems and self hatred she really does just rip into me with no restraint constantly. She knows#That I suffer with some serious rejection sensitive dysphoria that I am trying to get therapist help for and she still has no restraint#When it comes to criticising me and everything I am and everything I like. And she has the goal to do this thing where she is kind of peer#Pressures me into agreeing with the things that she says which in turn just makes me consolidate those horrible beliefs about myself in my#own head. If I don't agree with her criticism of me I can't just say so I have to not along with her and affirm to myself that those#Things are true. That I don't like my own hair that I don't like my face and my makeup and my clothes. That my preferences are wrong and#That I dress too androgynously. That I could never experiment with things like pronouns or gender and that I have to agree with societally#Homophobic undertoned things that she says because I can't bare to have her criticise me again and again and again for critisising her.#I can't do this anymore it makes me dread every time she comes into my room to talk to me about some new thing she doesn't like about me. I#And constantly stressing about how much people dislike me and how annoying I am#And the fact that I'm literally hiding the things that I want to wear from her so i can put them on when i get away from her and yet she#she will still get upset if I criticise her for making me literally hate myself on a regular basis. she wont beleive me and she'll be#Confused if I have a belief that doesn't match hers and she'll get so excited when I even possibly hint at doing something to my appearance#that she likes and knows I don't. I worry wake for comic corner she wouldn't shut up about how much my hair looks really good in a style i#dont want to cut it. If I dress in a way that's openly queer she ll act like I'm going to get#and i quote “the wrong kind of attention” Because she thinks that me even possibly being misgendered because of my clothing is a#disgusting crime and that I should be the perfect Barbie doll pink pretty princess she always wanted her children to be. She wants me to be#Someone that I can't be comfortably and she's essentially forcing me to fit this mould of her preferred child. Which obviously makes me#Despise who I am and hate my own interests and style. And as horrible and hurtful as it is to say this#I can't wait to get away from her.#sigh#vent#harsh morning
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adore-gregor · 2 months
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study smart not hard (altough both is best actually) this saying is so true
#my advice#but this saying is sooo true#i know some people at uni who study for exam so long and hard but then fail or just barely make it :(#like what are you doing? i don't mean this in a mean way but it doesn't have to be this difficult#i don't understand how some people can study for an exam for 2 weeks or even a month and still fail and i don't think they're stupid#or i don't see myself as particulary smart#but i guess they just waste their time a lot and i realized studying effective is so important#now everyone is a bit different and has to find what works best for them but there are certain techniques which are proven to work well#there is so much information on the internet on this look it up seriously#it made my life sm easier i never struggled in uni like i did in school and i get good grades#and if i ever struggled a bit it was because i started so late it was almost impossible to pass 😂#which is why to do both is still best 😂#but i actually always made it and i never failed an exam at uni (which i studied for)#(two i was fooled into to just try without studying bc it's easy lol)#i mean i shouldn't speak too soon but i already made it through some of the most difficult of my studies#ofc it depends on what you study how well this works but i'm speaking for myself#i once passed an exam with a B studying only 2 days as one of the best students while others studied 2 weeks#and got worse grades or failed#still studying only 2 days is stupidity don't do it 😅#so the techniques i find very helpful are ofc exam questions probably the best one#if there are none make your own#then blurting for which there are different ways but i like to just go over a topic and then write down everything i remember#then fill the gaps#quizlet is also great it's an app which allows you to create cards and then tests you in creative ways#videos can be helpful as well for summaries and using summaries in general is normally enough it saves you sm time#normally you don't actually need to know everything but you should be careful it's not a bad summary leaving out too much 😅#and i also like mindmaps bc i'm a very visual person#but all those tipps are mostly for remembering information so it doesn't work so well for other fields of study#well i hope this is somewhat helpful idk 🙈#oh and reading texts over and over again is the most useless in my opinion i don't remember much at all and it takes sm time
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pumpking64 · 9 months
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#Jesus fucking Christ#why do some people just. not see the mess they’re making and acknowledge that it’s their responsibility to clean up after themselves??#like. you throw your shoes in the entrance exactly where people walk. you let shared loafers stand outside for several hours#you cook the most simple dinner that one time you cook (mind you the other people have equal shares of making food)#and yet you don’t even manage to clean up after neither the cooking NOR taking the food off the table into the fridge so it doesn’t turn bad#you keep on taking the most easy solution that fits you the best without thinking about others. in a space where we all are exhausted#and I’m so done with it for now tbh. how lazy to not care about the bare necessities for others. how rude to admit to it#AND on top of this. you’ll tell stuff about your country that’s *objectively horrifying* and then add on to that that you love your country#it’s just. so many things. are so so so much of what I’d avoid in a person. a few things is fine. no one’s perfect. but damn there’s a limit#SORRY to anyone who’s read this far but I just. had to get it out#this guy is the one I’m working the closest with these two and a half weeks. hes still a kid kind of. I’m not gonna be mean to him#but damn. my patience. is being tested#AHHH I might delete this tbh. I don’t like showing this side of myself. I don’t want to spread this kind of negativity#I’m just so very frustrated. how a human person can come to this place and be here for SO LONG already#and still not have learnt the basics of living and working together#own post#oh. and all the triggering of intrusive thoughts is not helping your case buddy#(which you can’t really know about so it’s kinda fair but also it’s for bad hygiene stuff mostly and that’s. I mean…..)
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daz4i · 9 months
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i know aging isn't the end of the world and 24 isn't that old and life isn't a race etc etc etc. however,
#i think a big reason i feel so bad abt being this age is ppl told me this is when things start to get better#and i still feel the same way i did as a teenager so. well. is it really 😐#(being on t probably isn't helping but it's been over 3 years already so... not an excuse i think)#but I'm also physically aging like the reason i barely upload selfies anymore is i see myself getting uglier every day#despite fighting for my life to at least take care of my face and hair...... can't fight the passage of time 😔#+ ofc. my (younger) friends being way more sorted out than i am on every level#again ik life isn't a race but. it can't help but hurt to know I'm still behind literally everyone i know#and my excuses for that aren't even good. bc other disabled ppl my age are also more sorted out than i am#other depressed ppl other borderlines other autistics etc etc. hell these are also my irl friends 😭#and it's dumb. bc feeling like i wasted my life isn't really pushing me to change that now. just makes me want to die even more#(bc i mean what's the point. i will never catch up. I'm still at the starting line AND i move so slow it doesn't even count)#(i don't have a single milestone ppl my age have not even finishing high school which is like. the bare minimum)#(and it sucks bc i also know i have potential i KNOW i can do shit in theory i know I'm smart and got skills. but i can't put it to use)#(and now this is turning into less of a thing abt age and just generally me talking abt how i wasted the last 24 years)#this was more of a stressed rant abt how I'm turning ugly and feeling super old but well. it all boils down to self loathing at the end 👍#vent#negative //#ask to tag#sorry for being so depressing all day oof ik i already said it before but it's been a rough couple of months#(nothing happened my brain just needs to get flushed down the toilet ^_^)#edit: i think. part of my panic about aging. is bc as a kid i was used to being the youngest everywhere#i was the youngest in my class bc i started school a year early. i was the youngest in acting school bc they don't normally accept teenagers#and in addition to that as an adult but before starting t i was always told that i LOOK young too#but now ik i look like I'm in my 20s. and it's killing me that i aged this much in so little#i wonder if shaving my beard will help but i don't wanna get misgendered 😐😐😐 and rn it's the only thing guarding me from that
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#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad#i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over#and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away#i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine#but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing#right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it#i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever#i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol#every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone#when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad#i never feel like too much good. only bad.#i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like#it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to#i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time#i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good#i don’t know why anyone keeps me around#sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person#the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :)#i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable#i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all#i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself#like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time#i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day#and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess#it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better#sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine
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gotyouanyway · 11 months
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and like rly i'm having a lot of confusing stressful thoughts about Ability as a concept like in relation to myself even though there's no real need for me to be thinking about it let alone stressing about it it's just the kind of thing that starts popping into your head when you're hobbling down the sidewalk wondering how often it's gonna be like this 🧍🏼
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catastrxblues · 5 months
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good morning it is now 4 am and i have just finished watching atonement good night
#atonement#next tags are just going to be personal rants ignore that#i couldn’t sleep at all so i tried reading s&b and then fanfics and then the bell jar but it just didn’t hit#so then i tried writing but i just kept crying so i thought i’d watch a romance movie because yes#should’ve gone for four weddings and a funeral or pride and prejudice because what the hell is this#i didn’t know anything about this movie i just remember having it on my watchlist and saw ONE clip so i picked that help#and yes i ended up crying and the tears are still here but i’m also starting to think that that’s not entirely because of the movie at all#i stripped my bed off its sheets because the bright color annoyed me and it was already peeling off anyway and i was too lazy to put it rig#and when i pulled back from the screen after the movie finished and just look at how bare my bed is and how i’m in the middle of them#i just started crying again#and my legs are aching and i hate myself and i think i want to take a shower but maybe i’ll wait later on#i don’t think i’ll sleep at all honestly i’m not sleepy anymore#besides i’m thinking of going outside today just at the park i don’t know doing something#i always sleep really really late lately because my parents are out of country right now and no one is keeping me checked and i apparently#still can’t take care of myself. cried about that too it was something. why am the eldest daughter i’m so not fit for it#and then i always wake up at like 9 am and it’s already too late by then that i just never do anything productive#and it’s like i’ve been living in a simulation and i’m kinda going crazy and insane but it’s okay because today is going to be better#i hope because i’m not getting any sleep and i can finally go outside at 7 in the morning instead when it’s already way too hot#damn this is supposed to be one of the best years of my life??????? fuck off#also i can hear the azan subuh from the mosque by the neighborhood and i miss praying honestly#it’s so funny because i was happy to get my period because that meant i wouldn’t have to wake up so very early on in the morning#but i miss it now#hopefully my period will end soon#nadirants
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Me to myself: parenting would be really fun if you didn't have to work at a job. And i guess if you had a partner who also didn't work at a job. And probably if you had other adults you were close+trusted to who also don't work at jobs who would be willing to hang out with you and/or watch your kids from time to time and/or help you with the never-ending Tasks involved with keeping house. You would want security without time constraints and structure without stringent demands and community involvement that went beyond--
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abandonmutt · 3 months
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Just thinking
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psalmsofpsychosis · 7 months
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one thing about me is, i'll always always always value creativity and experimental ideas and stories and new structure-breaking narratives above established "commonly valued" creations, even if the creative idea's execution is less than ideal, even if the established story is "perfect and spotless". Like, i literally dont care, unconventional and paculiar and unexpected works of art are infinitely more valuable to me whether in subpar execution state or in perfect structure. If you did it differently and did it your way your creation will always be more important to me than any predictable and "proper" narrative made in complete and utter obedience of well reinforced explicit and implicit rules. "this is very well made in all the technicalities look at all these clean details—" catch me give a fuck. It's cliche, repetitive, it's boring, i dont care. We live in a time where obedience of known metrics seemingly ranks higher than any form of outside-the-box creativity and i'm done with it. Say something new, say something personal, say something earnest and paculiar and weird or i'm out of this theater.
#in semi continuous of the same notes; if you look up in the dictionary the definition of madness is me asking for feedback on my writing#from people who are knee deep in traditional structures and have not tried a single new imagery in their entire life#like babygirl they wont love you!!!! by definition they're looking at you from a place of dismay because you're going#against their ingrained value; you're undermining the predictable known forms they love so dearly!!!!#there's no way someone like that can offer any kind of coherent and geniune feedback on your work because –hear me out–#THEY DONT FUCKING VALUE WHAT YOU DO#like their baseline attitude is ''i couldn't care less if what you created didn't exist it's irrelevant to me'' THAT'S NOT A PERSON#WHO'S GONNA HELP YOU HONE YOUR CRAFT THEY DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR CRAFT#''i dont like poetry but–'' ''i dont write in this style but–'' ''i dont read these kinda stuff but–'' the conversation is over.#there's no buts. by the principle of being outside the framework you do not have the level of appreciation expertise and nuance it takes#to offer valuable and applicable feedback and your take may be fun but it's irrelevant ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#also another form of the barely disguised disdain is ''your creation will only be valuable if it's executed to utter perfection'' and no.#everyday i wake up and see mediocre people#celebrating utterly bland and boring mediocre writing like it's the last day of their fucking lives.#i'll not be held to standards of ''perfect performance'' just because you dont have the balls#to say that you dont enjoy and have no appreciation for creativity and experimental efforts#''it needs to be better'' is just a polite way of saying#''i dont love this but i feel bad about it so i'll trick you and myself into thinking i'll love it if it's done faultless''#there's no stage in which an effort in creativity will be faultless to you because the fault#to you#IS the creativity and deviation from the norms.#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#anyway good morning in this house we have absolutely zero value for bland cliche stereotypical generic things 🌸✨️#on art#on writing
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dreamcast-official · 1 year
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mm
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lepidopterium · 2 years
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~~~
#like i dont have the energy to try and get myself into a routine. work business as usual so future me doesnt have to#catch up with everything ive fallen behind and let fall apart#i dont have the energy to reassure anyone that im suicidal but i will be okay. i dont know that. i dont want to promise that#and i dont have the energy to talk to anyone. barely have the energy to leave the house but i cant stand being here so thats what helps#i already have a plan but im trying not to go through with it for the sake of my brothers. but im having trouble caring either.#i cant talk to anyone. i cant lie and tell them im managing bc im not. not even a little.#listening to music isnt working. getting high isnt working. sleeping and eating isnt working. going out for air isnt working#i dont know how to pull myself out of this. i dont know why this last fight with my mother was my breaking point but it was#and i regret reaching out for help because it only#it only showed me that no one will help me get out of this house. i have to do it myself. no one can save me from this.#and i feel all the less human for it#and im heartbroken because here are two adults. so called parents. put me through years of abuse and horror who i still manage to care for#and worry about. all while im not human to them. thats what breaks my heart. thats what hurts#i cant swallow it all up anymore. my body is just racked with terror all the time. i cant pretend to be happy and engaged when i feel so#incredibly fucking alone with this awful horror thats just always clinging to every part of my body.#i dont want to hurt anyone. i dont want to hurt anyone. i dont want to hurt anyone. i dont know what to do.#everyone loves me because ive given it my all to not base my actions on how much rage and hurt im carrying. or with family bc i stay in#the closet and turn the other cheek. because i take all my wants and i put them aside and i act based on not inconveniencing anyone#and thats such a stupid thing bc look where i am now.#no one sees me. no one knows how to help me. no one can help me. and i cant keep enduring this. i cant keep relinquishing choice.#i cant get myself to believe anything otherwise. and i want to be selfish. i want to do the most selfish thing i could ever do to others.
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realityrewind · 1 year
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if anyone has any tips on making life a bit easier with adhd please tell me because i am finally accepting the fact that my adhd is making my life suck so fucking much and if there is a way to help even a little i need to know
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