i haven't been having the best time lately

Hellooo!! I love love LOVE the diamond box matchup you did!! You're amazing!! Your blog is incredible!! Now I'm here for a romantic haven box Haikyuu matchup pls🥺

Appearance: My name is Kay! She/her, black, straight, 5'1, I have a slightly athletic & curvy-ish figure (lol idk), short-ish hair(like mid-neck), dark brown eyes, shoe size 9, I like to dress comfy so I'm always in oversized hoodies, sweatpants, sneakers, sweatshirts and shorts. I like colorful clothes too, high waisted jeans and shorts and boots. I'm not very fashionable but I try lol.

Personality:

Basics: infp-t, Hufflepuff, Taurus sun, scorpio moon, sanguine, chaotic good, ambivert.

Some positive traits: I'm optimistic, friendly, energetic, organized, enthusiastic, observant, happy, open-minded, loving, encouraging and inquisitive!!

Some negative traits: I'm annoying, perfectionist, insecure, forgetful, easily distracted, kinda lazy, argumentative, too nice at times and clingy.

I love learning new things!! Currently I'm learning Korean, how to draw, how to paint and songs on the saxophone.

When I'm up for it, I love fun physical activity!! Going for a hike, going to the gym, bungee jumping, mountain climbing, going camping and etc :D

Although I love going out, nothing beats lazy days at home. I can spend hours by myself and still be happy. When alone I usually sleep or watch a movie/anime or practice my drawing or saxophone or try and learn something new!

I have a horrible memory and can never remember important dates 😭 I've forgotten my own birthday a few times (rip) so people can get mad at me for missing appointments, forgetting birthdays and other important days. I try my best to organize everything necessary on my phone calendar so I can be reminded.

I love seeing people happy! Nothing can fulfill my day more than knowing I put a smile on someone's face! I usually try my best to help out anyone who needs it and to the best of my ability! This has led to me getting taken advantage of in the past but I can't help but try and make others happy. I've developed a thicker skin and some trust issues as I've grown up because of it.

I love hyping my friends/family up!! Do you need a boost in confidence? Here I am, ready to help you remember the absolute king/queen/royalty that you are!! I'm usually very energetic and enthusiastic about many things and I love spreading positivity around!!

My love language is physical touch! So touch is very important to me in my relationships. Though I am insecure so I tend to think that I smother the people I care about with too much affection idk lol. I live for hugs and cuddles and hand holding 👉🏿👈🏿 but because of that I feel like I'm very clingy and annoying skskfksjd

I'm introverted in nature so although I mean usually full of energy and love making new friends, I can't do it for too long lol. My social battery runs out really fast and I have to hide away and recharge before I can be fully social again, otherwise I won't be my best self. I treasure personal time and understand when people need time for themselves too.

I love spontaneity!! I love living in the moment and doing stuff just for the hell of it!! Wanna go on a road trip? Dance in the rain? Build houses for charity? Go to McDonald's at 2am? Go on a long walk? SIGN ME UP!!

I can also be lazy and unmotivated to do stuff. If something doesn't interest me, I'd find myself incapable of doing it or I'd do it with great difficulty. I'm one of those 'do something when inspiration/motivation hits you otherwise it'll be absolute shit' types.

But when I do have motivation/inspiration that's when my perfectionism comes in and I have to do it in the best possible way and anything less is an insult to me, my family, my ancestors and descendants lmaoo. Unfortunately I subconsciously set a very high bar for myself which can be overwhelming and stressful but when I manage to produce work of that quality, it's very satisfying and rewarding jshkshdhsj

I have more to add but I feel like this is getting way too long 💀 lemme just move to the next section heheheh

Hobbies: I LOVE listening to music, learning new things, watching movies/anime, sleeping, reading, writing, playing saxophone (I'm still learning tho lol), swimming, drawing, journaling, making friends, and cooking!

My music taste: any type of rock (punk rock, grunge, j-rock, metal), pop, KPOP, RnB, jazz, dubstep, lofi hip hop, rap, trap, krnb, anime OP's and bangers from: Elvis, the beach boys, Queen, Khalid, Ateez, Harry styles, Kendrick Lamar, p!atd, mcr, fallout boy, Nirvana, BTS, mxmtoon, Marianas trench, twenty one pilots, stray kids, Jay Park, crush, Dreamcatcher, Skrillex, MJ, troye sivan etc

Fun facts:

I'm more of a cat person but I live dogs and think they're adorable!!

I have four piercings and I plan on getting more soon!!

I'm a night owl, and get super grumpy in the mornings especially when woken up unexpectedly >:/

Although I love making friends, I only have like 1/2 super close friends and like 20+ acquaintances lol

I want to get a tattoo soon but idk what to get :(

I'm super addicted to coffee (rip) and if I don't take some for some time (like a week) I'll get the worst migraines and I won't feel better until I drink some coffee 😭

That's it!! I hope i wrote enough stuff!! Did I leave anything out? If you need more pls tell me and I'll send another ask :D Take your time!! I'm in no rush. I'll patiently wait even though you get writers block or have a large amount of asks 😌 pls stay safe and healthy!! Drink lots of water, sleep well and have an amazing day/night!! 💙✨

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Hello and Welcome my Starlight!

The Haven box includes:

- Match up

- Sun drop

- Journal of Feelings

- 3 am shenanigans

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I'd match you up with

Sugawara Koushi, Vice-captain of Karasuno

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Sun drops

- OKAY so like, as I read your description I thought of Akaashi or Yaku or Sugawara

- Me being the indecisive author I am had trouble picking

- But then I remembered that you loved to do spontaneous things.

- And that's when I realized that Sugawara is THE ONE

- You two would be deemed the "3 am couple"

- Or in the team it would be "Epitome of Chaos"

- He takes care of you

- He will alway remind you that you don't need to be perfect

- Insecurities? BE GONE

- Nagativity? BE GONE

- That's basically his motto

- He is both your mom and partner in Crime

- did I mention he will take care of you?

- CUDDLES AND KISSES FOR DAYS

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Journal of feelings

- Once this man realizes that you LOVE physical affection. He will give it to you. EVERYTIME HE SEES YOU

Kay entered the gym to watch her boyfriend play. She tried sneaking in and so far it has been great. She thought she was off the hook but then felt a familiar arms wrapped around her waist. "I found you~" Sugawara said with a smile.

- You both would often plan pranks and majority of the times, it would succeed

"Okay okay, so what are we doing today?" Kay asked the silver haired male. "Oh~ maybe we can scare Asahi or anyone for that matter with a beetle?" Sugawara suggested. "That's--no," Kay responded.

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3 am shenanigans

It’s 3 am in the morning. Almost everyone is fast asleep or in their homes, well almost. The night sky is littered with diamond in the sky. The streets were silent but it was comforting. A few people walked here and there. And a few cars passes by there and here. “What are we doing up so late?” A silver haired man said as he yawned. “We’ll be going to Mc Donald’s! What else?” The female responded as she smiled at him. “Is it even open at this time?” He asked. “Koushi, darling, it is open,” Kay, the lover of our beloved silvered male man said as she smiled. Sugawara chuckled and held her hand, the smile on his face was evident. “You know, we should be sleeping by now right?” He said as he pulled her closer. “And so what? I wasn’t planning on sleeping early! I slept the whole day yesterday and missed the chance to hang out with you,” The girl responded.

A small blush appeared on the male’s face and he giggled. “That’s very sweet bu-“ He was about to say but was silenced by the girl. “That was very sweet but we could’ve done this later on or tomorrow. Well, sorry to break it to you, Love. But, we are here,” She said as she pulled the male inside the fast food chain. And soon enough, the two got their orders and enjoyed their meal. “I don’t know why but this hits different,” Kay said as she eat a French fry. “It really does. Especially since you are here,” Sugawara stated as he patted her head. Now, she was the one blushing. As the two chatted, the other customers and staff glanced at them every now and then. None of them were annoyed at their interactions. On the contrary, they enjoyed watching them,

Some felt envious of their relationship. Some dreamt to have something like that. And others remembered the times of old. The two were so sweet, it’s almost too much. Laughter and chattering echoed through the building from both the couple and the people around them. Then they were dub the “3 am couple” as the two would often venture in that restaurant at 3 am in the morning.

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Author's note

I'm so so sorry for the long wait! This week has been hectic. Anywho, I hope you enjoy this matchup~ and thanks for requesting!

Survey #285

"do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?”

What does your car smell like? You assume I have a car. Would you ever let anybody else drive your car? ^ Have you ever met someone in person who you first met on the internet? Do you have plans to do that anytime soon? Yes, Sara. I want to visit her again, but right now I have no clue when that will happen. I have another friend that wants me to shoot her wedding that was planned for this year, but it was delayed to an unknown date, so. What was the last thing you used a blender for? A margarita. Have you ever got into an argument with a stranger on social media? Do you remember what it was about? Yep. There's been a couple. Has COVID had any impact on your Christmas plans this year? What’s going to change or be different to normal? Yes. Mom and I aren't coming while Ashley's inlaws are there at her house, and then I think we're going to my other sister's since she wants to cook? I've only really overheard Mom over the phone, I'm not 100%. I'm just. Going with it. What’s your favourite flavor of cake? Are you any good at making that kind of cake? Probably red velvet, or just double chocolate. I dunno. I love cake. I don't cook, though. Are you currently under any COVID-related restrictions where you live? Are people generally following the rules? Well, you're SUPPOSED to wear a fucking mask, but "it's a hoax" and "you can't make me" fuckheads don't listen, and it's poorly-enforced. You see people without them all the time. Do you still watch cartoons? I'm not opposed, I just don't watch television. Is anyone else in the same room as you right now? What is that person up to? No. Do you use Pinterest? Ha, I get most of my (unedited) avatars from there. It also gives me some pose ideas for photography. Are you wearing earrings? Ugh, no. I absolutely hate how the first holes stretched from heavy earrings. I need to get a proper tapering set if I want to actually use gauges (mind you, very small) so they look even semi-good again. I don't wear any in the second/upper holes because I think it just looks weird with nothing in the first. Do you know any sign language? Not anymore. In elementary school, we did do a play however where in one of the songs, we signed the lyrics. I remember zero. Have you ever gone on a service trip to an underprivileged country? No. Which breed of dog do you find most scary? None. Ever been to a pottery class? Not particularly, no. I've made pottery in normal art classes multiple times, though. When you were young, did you ever pretend to “marry” somebody? I have no idea. I don't have a specific memory. Don’t you just find it annoying when people get too much plastic surgery? Oh, fuck off. Is it your body? Is it there to boost YOUR confidence? Then your opinion doesn't fuckin matter. Are you the type who usually plays it safe? Yep. Who do you think about most? It's certainly not willingly, but Jason. PTSD kinda engraved his presence in my brain. How’s your grandmother? Both are dead. What’s your favourite type of cloud? Big, tall, and poofy cumulonimbus ones. Do you have a birthmark? Where? Does it look like anything? Yeah, a slightly darker brown blotch on the side of my right forearm, near the elbow. If you were blind for the rest of your life… what would you miss seeing the most? Probably people smiling. My nieces' and nephew's came to mind first. What is your most disappointing moment in life? I've been living it for years now. I'm not who I wanted or thought I would be at all. What is the best reward anyone can give you? Validation lmao. What is your favorite animal? List three adjectives to explain your choice. Meerkats, always. God, I can barely boil it down to three words. Loyal, complex, and brave will have to do. What is your favorite color? List three adjectives to explain your choice. Pink. Soft, pretty, gentle. What do you consider to be the most valuable thing you own: when you were a child/teenager/now? As a child, my big plastic crocodile named Marlin (yes, after the Finding Nemo character) that was the "main character" in my games of make-believe. As a teen, probably Rebel, the stuffed meerkat Jason gave me. Now, it's absolutely the pebble I got upon "graduation" from my partial hospitalization program. What’s the kindest act you have ever seen done? I'm not sure; I've seen a good deal. Thinking of only the ones I've seen in-person, uhhhh... wait. A couple days before my overdose, in desperation, I called Jason's house in the middle of the night wanting to talk to him. His mom answered, and she talked to me for hours with such patience and kindness to try and calm me down. I miss her a lot. Is Frozen one of your favorite Disney movies? No, I never really liked it. If you were an explorer, would you rather explore the Arctic Circle, Antarctica, or Alaska? Ohhh, Alaska. It's gorgeous and at least not absolutely frigid everywhere. How many blankets do you sleep with in the winter? I usually just have my usual thick comforter, but if I'm seriously cold, I'll grab another smaller one to wrap myself in underneath the big one. Do you know of anyone who was in labor or gave birth to a baby during a major snowstorm? HAHA my mama w/ me. Do you enjoy eggnog during the winter - with or without alcohol? EW. Do you dress any of your pets in seasonal/holiday apparel? No; I really dislike the concept of dressing your animals unless it's truly for their own benefit/warmth. Who was the last person to give you a gift? What was the reason for it? Uhhhhh. I have no idea. Are you a good cook? If so, who taught you? What’s your favourite thing to cook? NOOOOOOO. When was the last time something in your house broke? Did you manage to fix it or did you need to buy a replacement? Ugh, my laptop is fucked up. It's either the charger port, charger itself, or Mom thinks perhaps the battery. Her friend's husband is gonna look at it after Christmas. Is any part of your body hurting right now? What caused that pain? For once my legs aren't hurting. They almost always do from either muscle atrophy or them having been still for too long. The last time you made a sandwich, what did you put in there? It was just a normal 'ole peanut butter sandwich. What’s your favorite time of day? What’s your favorite thing to do at that time? First thing in the morning, because it feels like a new start. I like watching the sky change from pinkish to blue while I'm just sitting in bed checking everything. Where did you go the last time you left your house? I rode with Mom to her doctor's appointment. I didn't go in w/ her for obvious reasons, I just wanted to go on a ride and listen to music. If you eat steak, how do you like it cooked? What sauces or sides do you like to go with it? It has to be medium well. Idk what sauces are cooked into it that I like, because I don't make it. I like fries with steak, and probably Sara's mom's mashed potatoes would go well, haha. Do you prefer sweet or savory pancakes? What toppings do you have on them? I can't imagine me liking savory pancakes... I just like the usual: butter (not mandatory tho) and syrup. Are you someone who cracks their joints a lot? Which one(s) do you tend to crack and click the most? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO, I HATE THE NOISE SO MUCH. My lower spine pops a lot, though. Some fingers occasionally, too. Have you ever taken medication or tablets to help you sleep? Is this something you do on a regular basis? Yeah, I was taking Melatonin to fight insomnia for quite a while. I only stopped it because my mom was theorizing that it may have been making my nightmares worse, because her dad had AWFUL nightmares on it. I don't know if it did or didn't foor me, honestly. For you, what’s the worst thing about getting up in the morning? What about the worst thing about going to bed tonight? Knowing in the back of my mind that despite my hope, today's going to be the same as yesterday. I dread most nights the process of lying down and actually falling asleep, because it can take hours. Do you prefer regular or diet soft drinks? Not only do I think diet sodas taste bad, but the artificial sweetener gives me awful headaches, anyway. What do you tend to wear if you’re just hanging about the house for the day? I'm only always in my pjs. When was the last time you dyed your hair? Did you do it yourself or get it done at a hairdresser? Ugh... it's been a very, very long time. It was done by a hairdresser, but per usual, the color didn't stick well. I am DYING to bleach my hair so I can dye it pastel pink, light silver, or like a creamsicle orange. I edited some pictures of myself to "try" these colors on, and omg I loved them all. Does having to wear a mask stop you doing things? Is this because you struggle wearing one or you just don’t like it? Not really, no. I barely go anywhere at all though, so I have Have you ever witnessed a car accident? Or have you perhaps been involved in one yourself? Were you at fault? Yes; yes; no. How many books do you read in a year? Do you enjoy reading or do you have to really force yourself to sit down and read? VERY few. I've only just gotten back into semi-regularly reading since Sara got me into Wings of Fire. I have one friend though that is an INCREDIBLE bookworm; she keeps track of how many books she's read in a year, and she's already beyond one a day. It's incredible. If you have pets, where did they come from? A breeder, a rescue or maybe a friend who bred their pet? Roman came from Ashley's inlaws'. They have like an infestation of cats needing to be spayed, so they didn't at all mind letting me have one because I'd been wanting a cat for a long time. I love my baby boy so much. Venus came from The Gourmet Rodent, a snake breeding (and F/T rat provider, as the name suggests) business from Florida. I highly recommend them. Their customer service was fantastic when I was worried about Venus not eating. They even checked up with me a few months following my emails to ensure she was doing well. Have you ever seen an episode of My 600lb Life? No. I absolutely NEVER could. As an obese person who's been fighting her fucking ass off to lose weight for years, I don't want to be further depressed. Do you feel bad when someone asks you to hang out and you say no? Oh yes I do. Ngl, if I don't want to hang for whatever reason, I'm the kind that makes up an excuse to not seem *as* "rude" (quotations bc it's technically not rude at all, anxiety just tells me it is). When was the last time you turned down plans with someone? What did you decide to do instead? Ummmm I'm not sure. Have you ever had any “unusual” or exotic pets? If you could own any animal, what would it be and why? Do you consider iguanas or Chinese water dragons as "exotic/unusual?" Nothing stranger than that, really. I would never, ever own a truly exotic animal that wouldn't do well in captivity. I do however pretty desperately want to rescue an opposum one day, though. I positively adore them; they're my second-favorite animal. How often do you wash your hair? I don't even have a regular schedule for that anymore, honestly... I have to every time I shower because my hair gets oily FAST, but I try to put off showers as long as I can handle now because of how bad my selfcare has been for multiple reasons... What have you found the hardest about the current pandemic? Not seeing an end in sight because people are fucking dumb. Shit's not going to get better unless things drastically change. And what about the easiest? Has anything improved in your life because of what’s happened? Certainly nothing has improved. Not much has changed for me, considering I barely ever left the house to begin with. If you have multiple pets, do they get along with each other? Are they related or even the same species? They ignore each other, really. Surprisingly, even. Roman will sit on my bed and watch Venus slither about occasionally if she's out, even meerkat pose haha, and playful as he is, it's unexpected that he *does* mostly ignore her. What was the last meal you ate? Did you have anything good? Breakfast; I had Special K cereal. I've finally started to get back on track with eating okay. Do you live somewhere where strangers say hi to you in the street? Would you like to live somewhere like that? Where we live now, if you pass someone outside in the car, it's normal and really expected to give a little wave. That's very normal here in the South though, really; you don't just have to be in your own neighborhood. Have you ever tried any of those meal replacement shakes? The chocolate Equate ones are normal in my diet, actually. They're really not bad at all and played a big role in me losing ~60lbs before. Funnily enough, I haven't found a popular name brand I like, though. Cheap stuff isn't always bad. Do you make up silly nicknames for your pets or family members? "Silly" ones, not really, besides Roman. I call him "weirdo" and "crazy" a lot, but nothing truly unique. What’s your favorite thing to take photographs of? Are you actually any good at photography? Nature or boudoir (only shot it once, but I love it and the confidence it gives people). Being as modest as possible, I honestly do think I'm pretty good at it. Do you have anything interesting planned for the rest of the day? How about for tomorrow or the weekend? I haven't had anything interesting planned in eons, it seems like. Are you going to take the vaccine for COVID once it becomes available? Once it proves to be reliable and safe, hell yes. I'm doing my goddamn part in ending this shit. How much housework have you done lately? Is this more or less than usual? A bit more than usual since I haven't finished decorating my room since moving... I've been doing it very slowly and gradually. I need to just finish it already, I'm just so unmotivated. What gifts are you hoping to get for your next birthday (or Christmas, whichever one is coming up next)? I'm fucking dying to get my tat redone/improved. Been waiting since LAST Christmas when I didn't get to use my own gifted money. Do you suffer from any form of motion sickness? No. Do you contribute regularly to any Facebook groups at all? "I’m a member of plenty, but hardly ever post." <<<< Same. I react to posts a lot, though. Just don't really make my own. When was the last time you weighed yourself? Were you happy with the numbers you saw? Ugh... when I went to the doctor I think last week. I knew it'd be bad, but the verification fucking sucked. Since moving, I've gained ~30lbs. Have you got any chronic health issues? What do you do to try and manage them as best you can? YIKES I am a CATASTROPHE. I've got a dictionary of mental health issues that I'm not gonna go through individually, but I deal with them via prescription medications and therapy and sheer will. Who taught you how to drive? My driver's ed teacher. It was mandatory in HS. What was your high school mascot? A firebird. Did you go to your senior prom? Yes. What did you do after graduation? I very briefly went to a community college. What was your first job? GameStop sales associate. If my social anxiety wasn't fucking shit, I probably would have liked it. What did you want to be when you grew up? Somewhat in order: paleontologist, vet, movie director, game designer, animal biologist, video editor (VERY brief), and photographer. Writer, poet, and artist were always something I wanted to do in my free time OR full time if I was lucky. Do you remember the first time you drank a beer? I've never tried beer and don't want to. It smells fucking awful, and because my dad is a recovered alcoholic who was addicted to that in specific, I just want nothing to do with it. Did you ever try cigarettes? No. I have absolutely never understood the appeal, but with a very addictive personality and wild anxiety, I never wanted to risk it, anyway. How did you spend your summers growing up? LOADS of swimming in the pool, jumping on the trampoline, and just playing outside in general. If you could change anything from your teenage years, would you? I'd absolutely change how I found happiness only in Jason. Do you remember your first time? No, because at that time, I didn't really realize it was sex. I know that sounds weird, like "how would you not know?", but just trust me. I don't feel like retrospecting on it. I do remember our first *kiss*-kiss, though. How much did you make per hour at your first job? I don't recall. Favorite home-cooked meal growing up? I looooved spaghetti. Favorite place to eat out growing up? McDonald's, duh, lol. Did your parents live in a different country before you were born? No. They were from different states, though. Do you have a preferred coffee brand? Don't like coffee. Have you ever dated someone who was terrible with money? No. How often do you paint your nails? Never. Do you know anyone who's related to a current or former world leader? Not that I know of. Do you do your own taxes, or do you hire a professional? I don't pay taxes because I'm unemployed. What is something you don't have any natural talent for? Speaking. At all. What is something you frequently forget? "Numbers." <<<< BIG fat same. How do you feel about your body? How much I hate it is on my mind literally every waking moment of my life to some degree. Who is someone you would like to get to know better? So I have this Facebook friend Courtlynn who seems very similar to me, and I'd love to get to know her better. We interact via posts here and there, but have never seriously talked. What's your opinion on assisted suicide? I am very much for it when a person is in serious pain and recovery is not possible. Like one of my greatest nightmares is being paralyzed from the neck down, and I stg I would spite whichever fucker had jurisdiction over me living. That would be absolute torture for me. At what point do you consider a relationship to be "long-term?" A year, so long as you were consistently together. Stable. What jobs did your parents have when you were growing up? My dad's been a mailman my entire life, and he had a second job at Lowe's for a while as a carpenter. He hated it. Mom worked with computer data at the hospital when I was very young, and then she was an assitant and special needs teacher for a long time. Do they still have these jobs? Or different jobs? Or have they retired? ^ about Dad. It's his only job now. Mom is currently on disability. Do you have a cell contract plan, or are you on a pre-paid plan? Would you believe me if I said I'm unsure? Haha. I use a Tracfone, and my mom takes care of whatever plan comes with that, so idk. Would your parents be okay with you dating someone of another race? Mom, absolutely. I'm unsure about Dad. I mean he wouldn't *seriously* care so long as they were good to me, but I think he might still be kinda racist. Or he just jokes about it a lot (which should not be joked about, btw). Do you like when friends stop by unexpectedly? "No way lol. I’m very much of a loner and want to be “prepared” to spend time with people." <<<< Absolutely this. How strong are your feelings for the last person you kissed? I love her very, very much. What was the last thing someone else bought for you? Food, I'm sure. Are you attracted to the last person you exchanged numbers with? I haven't seen a picture of her in years, so I have no idea. I remember she was beautiful, though. Is music a daily part of your life? Not daily, no. Some days I only watch YT videos instead of listen to music. What do you think of country music? Not a fan at all. It's ironic considering it was my favorite genre as a little kid. There's the occasional country song I like (mostly ones from my childhood, though), but those are few and far between. Tim McGraw, now, I love. Did you go to your high school’s graduation? Yeah, even though I didn't want to. I didn't care enough about the actual ceremony. Who was the last person to message you on Facebook? What would you do if that person told you they have feelings for you? That would be the woman I took family pictures for. She's married and we barely know each other, so I can assure you she doesn't. When you apply your make-up, do you do it in a specific order? On the very rare occasion I wore makeup, yes. Eyeliner, usually eyeshadow, mascara, and most rarely, black lipstick. Does it matter to you if your significant other smokes? Yes. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Mom, I think. Do you like where you are in life right now? HA. Is your mom overbearing? No.

The Christmas Tree

I’m sorry, I was feeling all the things and then this blurb happened. I had no idea that it was going to go where it ultimately went. I hope you enjoy! -xx.

She tossed a box at his dozing figure on the couch. 

“Babe, you said you’d help,” she laughed, tossing another ornament box at him. 

“Hey,” his raspy voice groaned, “I lied”. He moved the boxes to the coffee table, “come ‘ere.”

He extended his arms out for her, slowly blinking his bleary eyes trying to find her figure in the dark room. 

“Give me a sec,” she called still maneuvering the boxes around by the windows. Digging through the storage bins her dad had neatly packed for her, she struggled to find exactly what she wanted. There were two storage bins packed to the brim with Christmas ornaments she had collected everywhere she traveled: Prague, Rome, Vienna, Reykjavik, Copenhagen, Dublin, London, Edinburgh, Athens, Chana, Havana, Barcelona, and many many more. Until this year, she had always decorated her parents’ tree with her enormous collection. This was the first year she was going to be decorating her own tree. It was Shawn and her first Christmas living together and their first tree together. Except, their living room was still bare but for the bins her father sent over —he had been eager to clear space in their attic. 

The problem was that she and Shawn did not see eye to eye about their first tree. So, for the majority of December, her holiday trinkets remained in the bins. Shawn wanted a live tree and to make an occasion out of picking one out with her. She thought it was incredibly sweet, but not at all practical. Plus, the sap and needles were annoying as hell. She wanted an artificial tree, and when she told him that they made quite beautiful realistic ones, he laughed at her. She had no desire to deal with the maintenance of the tree when they were constantly on the move. Neither was home consistently to water the tree. She was often working late and Shawn was traveling at the drop of a hat. He disagreed and believed that they could handle the maintenance. Their arguing went round in circles.

Her things were sentenced to be stuck in the bins for a bit longer when Shawn left last week to do a short promo trip in California meeting up with a few different talk show hosts. He discussed their dilemma live on television. She wanted to murder him for it only because it had yet to be resolved. Both wanted their tree to be special, but struggled to find a happy medium. It didn’t help that now they had fans weighing in on their disagreement. When he got home late last night, they had gotten into a pretty stupid fight about it. Their fight lasted a half hour before they were shedding clothing and arguing horizontally. There were several rounds of “arguments”. They both won in a way, but there was no real resolution. Their living room still was not decorated. This bothered her to no end. Christmas was her favorite holiday and she loved feeling festive. How can you be festive without a tree, artificial or not?

Bothering her immensely, she woke up in the wee hours of the morning and wondered out to her bins in the corner, waiting for a home. She pulled her oversized sweater tighter around her frame as she dug into the box. It was soon after that a sleepy Shawn had followed her out into the living room, missing her presence in bed. He joined her and initially promised to help with the decorations that didn’t need a tree, but fell asleep likely from all the intense “arguing” and travel. 

She sighed when she got to the bottom of the bin and still didn’t see what she was looking for. She left the mess on the floor and walked over to a rumpled looking Shawn. He grabbed her hips and pulled her on top of him. She fell non-too gently. Shawn groaned at the impact. 

“Serves you right,” she said, still feeling a little petty. He settled her more comfortably by spooning her, and then swatted her ass. She smirked, “I’m not in the mood to go another round just yet.” 

She could feel him smile into her hair, “what did you need at,” he picked his head up from her hair and squinted at the clock on the cable box, “4:32 in the morning?” His voice was thick still with sleep and sex. She squirmed back into him enjoying his warmth, she closed her eyes and inhaled loudly through her nose. 

His scent toyed with her, “I was looking for a specific ornament my mom gifted me – the Christmas after we started dating.” 

He didn’t respond, but tightened his arms around her torso. He was quiet for so long that she thought he fell asleep. She was lulled into that place between consciousness and sleep from his deep breaths. 

“Baby,” his raspy voice interrupted the silence of the morning.

“Hm?” She wasn’t ready to be fully awake again.

“I’m sorry.”

“Uh huh,” she didn’t open her eyes or mouth. Slowly his apology settled into her brain and she considered it, “I am too.” She responded keeping her eyes shut, still not wanting to meet the day again just yet.

He kissed her hair, “I love you.” 

Her nose wrinkled picking up on his morning breath, “I love you too, but you smell.” 

His belly shook with laughter waking her more, “you’re such a pain in the ass.”

She laughed with him, and when they settled again, she asked, “what do you want to do about the tree?”

He brought her closer to his body, as if she was a stuffed animal. He buried his face into the back of her neck. She opened her eyes at his actions, waiting for a reply that might start another argument. She had no desire or energy in her left to fight about the tree. She just wanted one, live or artificial, to hang her ornaments on and the few they had collected together.

“Don’t be mad.” Oh fuck, Shawn what did you do? She tensed and held her breath waiting for him to speak again.

“I bought something yesterday, that I was hoping would be a decent compromise.”

“And,” she prompted.

“And I was in a gift shop wasting time before my flight when I saw it.” He stopped.

“And,” she prompted again.

“And I saw these seed packets.”

“You bought a snack as a compromise?” She turned her head to regard him.

He would’ve laughed at her had he not been so earnest and nervous about her reaction, “no, I bought spruce seeds. Like for a spruce tree. And- and it comes with a little pot to plant it in. And I figured, if you wanted, we could grow it. And when we get a house, we can plant it in the yard. Then decorate it for Christmas, outside. No needles or sap inside.”

She turned fully around in his arms and looked into his big hazel eyes. He was trying to read her face. She kept it completely still, and then kissed him soundly on the lips. That one kiss, turned into many more. In between kisses she told him “it’s,” kiss, “fucking,” kiss, “perfect.” Sleep completely gone, and tossed away like their shirts were. Her hands were everywhere. He was undoing the drawstring on her pants, when she froze, “wait, and the tree for the living room?”

“Whatever you want.” 

“No, you have to love it too. Pick it with me.” 

He pressed a loving kiss in between her eyes, and then on her nose, “I don’t think the stores are open right now.” She rolled her eyes at him, and pinched his nipple. 

“Hey!” his eyes darkened and they went back to kissing.

For the second time this morning, she woke in his embrace. His chest was rising and falling steadily in such a soothing manner. She wanted to let it bring her back into a deep sleep, but she wanted to find that ornament. Standing from the couch, she was met with chilly air. She threw on her pajamas and covered Shawn tightly with the blanket. She wandered into the kitchen with her phone and texted her mom. 

iMessage to Mom: Do you still have that ornament you got me? The bauble?

Thankfully her mom was an early riser and replied immediately.

iMessage from Mom: I packed it in with the bins dad brought over.

iMessage to Mom: I’ll look again

She walked back out to the mess she created earlier, and slowly put the things back into the bin, stopping to look through it as she did. Nothing. 

Shawn sighed from his sleep and turned over on the couch. She looked at him and smiled. He was something else. It was then that she noticed the ornament boxes she had tossed at him before. She smiled at herself. How stupid. She sat on the edge of the couch, careful to not jostle her boyfriend. She picked up the ornaments from the table and looked them over. She quietly laughed at her mom’s gag present.

“What do you think about this one?”

“Babe, that’s hideous.” Shawn was eagerly pointing at a bright yellow tree with sparkly streamers woven into the branches.

“But if we’re going artificial, why not go artificial?”

“I hope you’re joking.”

“Babe, I have no idea what you’re talking about. This is great.” She looked at him with a straight face and he looked right back at her. A smile started to work its way onto her face and they both grinned and broke into laughter. 

“Okay, maybe not.” He grabbed her hand as they strolled through the different varieties of trees.

“What about this?”

“No, it kind of looks like it’s tinged blue.”

“Huh, I see what you mean.”

It took two hours, steamy hot chocolate, and countless kisses, but they found the perfect tree. Then it took another hour to purchase and maneuver the tree home, and then assemble it. They sat admiring the naked tree in the corner, residing where the storage bins had been before. It was beautiful and you really couldn’t tell it was a fake. Shawn kissed her temple. She looked up at him and pulled his head down to kiss him soundly. She pulled away and walked over to the mound of ornaments.

“Remember how I was looking for that bauble this morning –from my mom? She gave it to me right after we started dating.” 

“Yeah, you found it?”

“I did!” She walked back over and passed it to him with a laugh. He took the ball and read the elegant script: Mentally Dating Shawn Mendes.

He laughed, “well, your mom was right. You are mental.” She threw the pillow from off the couch at his head. It hit him squarely in the face, and she cackled, dancing away from his arms. He delicately placed the ornament down, and grabbed her by the waist. He tossed her onto the couch and began to tickle every inch of her. They were both in tears and stitches when they had finally calmed down. Cuddling on the couch, they admired the tree. She stood up, new determination setting in. “Let’s decorate it!”

“Give me a second and I’ll help.” Shawn stood and discreetly picked up the bauble from the coffee table. He went into the kitchen and dug around in the junk drawer for a sharpie. He came back into the living room and hung the bauble on the tree.

“Babe, look at the first ornament up!” She put down the bin she had been going through and looked at the bauble. She laughed and then looked closer noticing it had been written on.

Mentally Dating Married to Shawn Mendes ? 

She gasped and covered her mouth. She could feel her eyes start to prickle. She turned around and saw him on one knee behind her with an open ring box. Her eyes went wide, and the tears came.

“I wasn’t planning on doing it this way, but I-I’m going with it. I love how smart you are, how funny, and beautiful you are. You always keep me on my toes. Even when we fight, I know there’s no one else I would rather be arguing with. I—”he paused overwhelmed with emotion “I—I don’t know what I would do without you in my life. You’re my everything…” He was crying and his voice was cracking. She couldn’t see straight through her own tears. “Will you –will you marry me?”

She chuckled, and kneeled down grabbing his hands in her own. She reached over wiping his tears away. And she kissed him. Her hands cradled his head, pouring everything into the kiss, and his hands found her hips pulling her closer and then they wrapped tightly around her body.

December 23 2017

Hi Tumblr. It's cha girl. Me. Things are good, for the most part. I'm p happy right now. My bank job is alright. It started off really rough. I hated it for the first few weeks but now I don't want to kill myself every time I have to go into work. So. Things are looking up. It's a pretty easy job. A little bit more difficult than Target, for sure, but not nearly as stressful as I thought it would be. When I make a mistake it isn't stressful because I fucked up someone's money, it's stressful because I just create more work for myself having to fix it. I also thought that I wouldn't be able to make friends there. Everyone is older than me. They're in very different places in their lives. But! I was wrong and everyone at the bank is super nice and since we're just chillin like 90% of the time we have some great conversations. It's kinda nice. I don't work much when I'm at work. I talk to my co-workers and I write poetry and I draw. I help customers when we have them obvi, but a majority of the time there is no one in the bank. I also get 1 hour lunches, and it's so close to home I can go back to my apartment play a full ass game of league on my lunch. That always improves my mood for the day. The dress code isn't as strict as I was worried it would be. I have tons of dresses that are appropriate and I always get compliments on my outfits. We have theme days on Fridays which is super fun. Yesterday it was Hawaii in December day. My manager liked my outfit so much she took a picture of me to share with the other southern oregon branches. The only downside is that I don't make as much money as I did at Target. I just don't work nearly as many hours. It's nice, I have so much free time. An unbelievable amount of free time. I do miss those 1k paychecks tho that I was getting when I would pull 40 hour weeks at Target. I miss a lot about Target. I regret leaving most of the time. Target was fun and it was so much more than the bank. I got to walk around all day and I always had something to do even when everything was done. At the bank, when everything is done, it really is done. At Target when I finished my job I could go do someone else's. Zoning in beauty is done? Awesome, I'll pop over and zone all of B block. It's always a mess in B block. Zoning the office supplies section of Target is a beautiful nightmare. No one ever does it. But at the bank when I finish my job, I can't go over and balance someone else's drawer. I'd be fired. I can't even be near someone else's work. I miss some of my coworkers at Target too. I still get the occasional update through my love :D who still works there. Who is slaying it out there. Killing it. Ofc. But I miss talking to some of the people there. Idk. I'll stop missing it eventually I imagine. Things with Vince are wonderful. I talked to him about my issues and he like... listened??? He heard me and he changed his behavior and it's amazing? Never had anything like that before. It's so different for me. He's different. I don't think I've ever been so in love with someone. It's incredibly frightening. And sometimes we get into arguments because I'm scared. It's not fair to him and I feel bad. It doesn't happen often and most of the time I'm really great to him I think but sometimes I'll notice that he changes his language towards me or about me and I get scared. He met my whole ass family on Wednesday. That was an experience. He was so nervous. It was cute. He's cute. We had a great time. He may be the first boyfriend I've had that my entire family likes. They love him and I love him and it's weird. We went out to dinner and had great conversations. It was our first family dinner in over a year. Then we went back to my dad's house and we played trivial pursuit and Vince and I won (ofc) and everyone had such a good time. I miss my family a lot. I miss our family game nights. I miss being able to casually bring my boyfriends home and have him play games with us. I miss our arguments about philosophy and our arguments over who is the smartest person. I miss sharing our lives and our dreams. I grew up with so much pride for my family. It was a huge part of who I was. I was a Yaeger. That carried weight. For me at least. I was raised with expectations to live up to. We worked hard together, for each other. And having everyone together again, remembering all of the good things about my family, all of the good times and seeing all of us, all of these amazing people together, it was really hard for me. I was fucked up about it. It crushes me that my family is gone. The Yaeger family doesn't exist. It's garbage now. Vince says I need to deal with the emotions I have about my family. I don't know what more there is to deal with. It sucks and I'm incredibly sad about it. I don't know how to stop being sad about it. Sometimes I feel ok about it and I feel like being away from my family, and the idea of my family, has given me an opportunity to explore who I am and what I want out of life. I think I know those things now though. I don't ever get to be individually me with my family. I don't get to be an adult with my family. I know that is the reality for a lot of people. I know it shouldn't even be an issue. But it is for me. I care. I also don't think that it is helpful that we all exist in this weird middle space. Where we all still work. Where my parents are still best friends who lowkey hate each other? Where nothing feels resolved or final. Where we all end up back in the same place. It doesn't make any sense to me. Anyway. We had family night and my boyfriend was there are I loved that he was. He fit in well. With my non-existent family. Fantastic. You know what's funny? I've picked up a lot of his mannerisms and I'll do things or make facial expressions that are so him without even realizing it. It always makes me smile. He's an adorable person. Um. Yea. I'm staying with my mom for Christmas and I'm hella sad. I miss him a lot. He texts me the sweetest things tho and it makes me feel better. I've been seeing a lot of him over the last few weeks. We're both busy but we make time for each other. Even if I'm so tired I feel like I want to die, I will still drive out to Medford to see him. I want to make an effort for him. That's something new for me too. I worry sometimes that he doesn't think as much of me as I do him. Because it's so much and how could he?? He's smart in a really practical way but somehow also emotionally intelligent and I'm just not practically smart. I don't know a lot about a lot. I don't know what I can give to him. I want to be able to give everything to him. But he already has it. I don't know. Maybe it's just my insecurity. And it's definitely made worse by seeing my parents interact. Brings it to the forefront of my mind, for sure. I don't want to be to him what my boyfriends have always been to me. Which isn't fair. He isn't me and he's a good person and if he says he loves me then I should accept that. Ultimately, I am so happy with him. And that's all I want to say right now. I could probably write ten novels about him or to him but I won't do that because that would be super extra. It's nice staying with my mommo and my brother for a few days. Nams is here too. They're all fun. We have good times and I'm excited for Christmas. I got everyone a little something and I think it's kinda cool. For the first time in my life I have the money to buy everyone real ass presents with my own money. It's nice. I guess that's about all for now. Thanks for reading~ Goodnight, Tumblr

Up ‘til now - it’s long....

I had so wanted to get this done yesterday.  I just ran out of time.  And that, I guess, is kind of an organizing thought for going into everything before today.

Running out of time.  Running.  Running away, running toward.  I ran toward work and dove in head first, spending many weekends holed up in my office at school, working on scores, planning lessons, making copies.  Jack and the kids were I thought happily busy going to dance classes; he had taken up musical theater as a hobby so they went with him to rehearsals while I went to my own and designed classes for my students.  I taught in the teacher training every Friday night through Christmas time for several years, which was fun, and yet one more thing to juggle.

We started fostering kittens. About once a month, we’d get a new litter, or pair, that needed to be fed, cuddled, and weighed.  Once they reached 2 pounds, we would photograph them, take them back to the SPCA, cry, and pick up another litter.  It was wonderful fun - we made a spoof of a promotional video for BACWTT (Bay Area Center for Waldorf Teacher Training) starring the kittens. And, in 2010, a tuxedo litter arrived with their tiger mom, who were named after noodles.  Soba, Udon, etc.  We renamed the whole group after the cast of the old Dick van Dyke show; I fell in love with Buddy and Sally, they joined our family and the fostering ended.

Mom took me to Alaska on a cruise in 2009.  I loved it - everything about it - and surprised myself as well, I never thought I would enjoy a cruise.  It was so great, she invited me and the kids two more times to come along with her.  We went other places too; Mexico, Norway, Mediterranean.  Alyssa and I got to go the Baltics and back to Alaska.  Incredible.

When I look back at this period of time, hindsight is indeed 20-20.  Things were crumbling.  I knew that, but I didn’t know the reason.  All the arguments about the reason that were coming toward me was me that I was the problem, so I left.  I left for what I thought was going to be a short period, to get some focus, and start a healing process.  I got a small apartment (so small that I didn’t even notice that there wasn’t a sink in the cooking area - just a counter, and the only sink was a tiny bathroom sink).  I took only what I needed from the house, a couple of outfits for each of the children, because they were going to be there only infrequently....

The first thing that happened was Trevor decided he wanted to stay with me and not go back home.  Then, it quickly became apparent that Jack couldn’t care for Alyssa well enough without me and Trevor at home, so Alyssa came with me too.  Luckily it was only a three month lease.  One day, I was walking down Broderick and saw a woman coming out of what is now my building with a dog.  There was a for-rent sign and Alyssa and I went up and found our new home.  Trevor approved that night, and we schlepped our IKEA furniture and few boxes down the street, set up our little floor futon beds and 2890 was established.  

Trevor went to China with the Eurythmy troupe.  The night before he left, Jack had a strange constellation of symptoms which sent him to the ER.  They never figured out what was wrong with him, and sent him home.  We checked in on him and he was back at work the next day, so we chalked it up to something he ate, or a short-lived intense virus.

I was at Harry’s bar the Tuesday before Thanksgiving 2011 and Trevor called me with the news that Jack had lost his job.  We had planned a trip to Disneyland and I agreed that we’d go anyway - I was still trying so hard to make things amicable and workable for all of us while maintaining my independence.  The trip was difficult, to say the least, and Jack was once again not feeling well.

I’ll spare all of the details of the next couple of months, but while on a cruise with Mom to Mexico that Christmas, we learned that Jack was having real difficulties during a trip to visit his sister in North Dakota.  At that point, I insisted he get a full medical work-up.  After spending 5 days in the ER, they finally did an MRI and discovered that he had Pick’s disease, a rare form of dementia that affects people in their early 50′s.  At this point we were 53.

Sam and Carol came to help.  They were amazing, strong, clear, compassionate and generous.  I can never thank them enough for all they did for me and the kids, and Jack.  As you likely know, he died from complications of this horrible disease on November 19, 2015.  His diagnosis explained so many of things that were subtle struggles at first that turned into full-blown irreconcilable differences.  You can read or re-read my posts from that time, still on this thread.

Since our transition to a family of three, life has been full and challenging at times, at 2890.  The two Johns adopted us and made sure we were OK.  Both kids finished high school.  Trevor went to college at Lewis and Clark, and majored in theater with a mom-insisted double major in Computer Science.  He is living and working in Portland now, as a designer in theater.  Full time.  He says the CS helps him, but he sure showed me how not to be afraid of ART.  He sings with an a cappella group in Portland, keeping the spirit of PME Jazz and Pop alive in the family.  I think he is beginning to be wholly happy there.

Creations flow from Alyssa’s once tiny fingers and hands; she sews what she sees, she knits like the wind, and has a beautiful singing voice.  We have made a wonderful habit of traveling together.

She’s a freshman at Willamette University in Salem.  She has found her tribe of people and each phone call is punctuated with commentary from at least one of them and lots of laughter.  She is another theater nerd, majoring in costume design and possibly business.  I am so happy for her.

In 2013 I met Scott.  I had made a part time job of going on OK Cupid and trying to date, at the urging of Bronwen at school.  It was going, as I understand it, fairly typically (NOT WELL!) until I met Scott.  I ‘recognized’ him while reading his profile, reached out, he agreed to meet me for a drink, and we adjourned to a nearby restaurant, and closed it on our first date.  I told him my WHOLE story for some reason, I guess I saw no reason not to - there was immediate trust, and we’ve been together ever since.  He’s gone through a lot too, as I guess by the time you’ve been hanging around on the planet this long, is inevitable.  He’s a brave guy - he came with me to Colorado Springs last Thanksgiving and cooked our meal.  Pretty awesome.  He’s done lots of awesome things for and with me.  I think we’re going to keep each other around.  Happy times. 

In 2014, I had been singing with the Bach Choir since I left PME in 2008, our new conductor Magen was listening to everybody before she took the podium in the fall.  She directs a professional choir, the SF Choral Artists, who I hadn’t heard in concert, but I had heard about.  Years before I had gone on to their website to see about auditioning, read the requirements, saw the bios of the singers and turned the other way.  I thought I could never make it in.  She invited me at the Bach Choir audition to come sing for her as a potential member of SFCA.  I quickly brushed up a couple of pieces from college and somehow passed that audition, which is super hard for just about everyone who is a member.  Through rehearsing with this group, I met Simon, the conductor or the St. Dominic’s choir, and was later hired by him as a section leader for what must be one of, if not the best, church choirs in the city.

Recently, Scott introduced me to someone like this:  “This is my girlfriend, Lisa. She is a singer.”  It made me pause, because, that was never how I’d introduce myself.  It was always either as Mom, Teacher, Bob and Jackie’s daughter, Sister, or Wife.  And then, I realized he is right.  I am a singer.  I make my living teaching music, and singing.  And I didn’t double major either.  Not the easiest or most lucrative path, but one I think puts some good into the world.  Not enough.  By far.  I spent October and early November working to get out the vote.  I was very excited by that, and thoroughly committed.  It was fun to be dedicated and feverish about something in addition to music. 

Scott has also challenged me to do something, which is coming up tomorrow night, which is scaring me half to death, and exciting me because it means something really new and potentially wonderful is afoot.  I am singing in the Blue Bear School of Music’s beginning rock band at a bar called the Boom Boom Room in San Francisco.  At 9:30.  At night.  I know the band will sound awesome.  I hope to be able to phonate.  It is throwing me for a loop, but things are starting to happen and I am learning and curious about music again in a whole new way, which will likely have a trickle down to my students after a while.

Writing down these memories has only brought about more, and the realization of how many friends and family members I have not even mentioned.  You are not forgotten, and you will likely show up in epilogue stories which I am being encouraged to write. Many adventures and challenges are left undescribed.  I’m starting a list.

Bob called me this morning and said “Know this:  you are resilient.”  Damn straight.  As of this morning, I am 60.  I can’t make that make sense, even after all this recounting.  I am declaring 60 is the new 40, so that feels a little more manageable.  More adventures await.

One more, later today.  

1 How often are you optimistic? I’m getting better at it. But my anxiety always has me leaning towards the worst case scenario.  2 Would you say your thoughts are generally rational and logical or irrational and illogical? See above about my anxiety^ Irrational is my middle name! But again, I’m getting better at it. I’ve done some intense personal work lately that helps me to challenge and reverse my negative thoughts.  3 Tell an interesting fact about your favorite country? I’m not so sure I have a favorite country 4 Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? My claddagh ring from my mom and my promise ring from Glenn. 5 Are you the type to pay attention to detail? I fixate on the unassuming & unimportant details. So I might overlook something super obvious but zero in on something small and unnecessary. Another feature of my anxiety, I think. 

6 To you, what is especially distracting? E v e r y t h i n g.  7 What are some things that are important in your life right now? As I said before, the personal development I’ve been doing lately has proved incredibly beneficial and I only see it improving my life more and more. Most of the techniques I’m utilizing are CBT methods & I can’t believe I’ve never used this type of therapy before.  8 When was the last time you did some major cleaning? A couple weeks ago. I’m pretty neat & I’m a “clean as I go” person, so I never have to do one big major clean-up. Except after a depressive episode.  9 Have you ever thrown anything away, and regretted it later? Countless things.  1o Are you the type to regret things, or live and learn? I never seem to learn from my mistakes 11 How often do you feel like you need time to yourself? Quite often.  12 Do you like being around other people? Why is this? Friends & certain family members, of course. But the general public? Hard pass.  13 Do you feel like anyone “gets” you? Who? I think I’m a pretty transparent person so honestly, most people probably get me.

14 What would you be most likely to do with a friend, today? Well, Glenn & I are gonna go on a nice nature trail walk and then get some ice cream!  15 When are you most likely to be crabby? Anytime I’m woken up abruptly. This happens most often between 11-12:30 every night when my upstairs neighbors for some reason go on a stampede. It happens like clockwork and nothing enrages me more. It’s taken everything in me not to go beating down there door but one of these days...  16 How about upbeat and cheerful? I’m most upbeat when I feel relieved and anxiety-free. So usually the aftermath of an anxiety-inducing situation, when I’m reached a resolution, I’m BEAMING. That’s when I feel the best.  17 Who challenges you the most? In what way? Glenn is a strong contender for that. He notices features of myself that I try to hide or avoid & forces them into the light. This is a great thing for my personal growth but it can get uncomfortable. I’ve actually told him before that I can understand why a lot of his past relationships didn’t work out. People don’t want to confront the negative parts of themselves. (To be clear: he also COMPLETELY celebrates my positive traits & brings them to the surface. My point is that he recognizes me and understands me fully: the good, the bad, & everything in between. There is no hiding from him).  18 Who seems to hold you back? In what way? Myself, absolutely. I get too wrapped up in my own head, my own fantasies, my own absurd expectations & delusions.  19 What was the last opportunity that you passed up, and why? All that comes to mind was my coworker asking me to go for a drink after work yesterday. Part of me wanted to go, but an even bigger part of me desperately wanted to go home & take a long shower. Which I did. & it was glorious.  2o Would you rather have a quiet day at home, or be on the go? If I’m on the go doing fun things then I’d choose that option right now. I’ve had PLENTY of quiet days at home these past few months.  21 Do you think you made a good impression on the last person you met? The last person I met was probably a patient & I’m gonna say “yes.” I’m very friendly & cordial at work... patients seem to like me. 22 How do you feel about people who neglect their pets? Don’t have a fucking pet if you won’t properly care for it. Simple. People who neglect their pets are scum. 23 Should there be an application process for having children? In a perfect world, yes. But there’s no moral or practical way to do that & you certainly can’t stop people from getting pregnant. 

24 Are you able to ask for help when you need it? I’m very good at that, actually. I know that life is a team effort & I rely on others for plenty of things.  25 How intense is your anger? Have you ever hurt anyone|yourself? I get irritable and crabby but I’d hardly ever describe myself as “angry.” And I’ve certainly never hurt myself or anyone else as a result of those feelings.  26 What is something red that you like to eat? Baby Bel Cheese. Well, the packaging is red. I have no idea why that’s the first food that came to mind? I couldn’t have said fucking strawberries or apples or something normal?  27 Do you ever have trouble getting lighters to work? Very often, especially now because I don’t have my acrylic nails.  28. If someone drinks, would that lower your opinion of that person? I’m a frequent drinker so uh, no. Definitely not.  29 What if they did drugs? It’s never ever my place to judge 3o Do you know anyone who is abusive? Are you abusive? Um...can we like, not...? 32 If your best friend wanted to cheat on his/her partner, you would say? It’s never the answer. I’d advise him/her to break up with their partner & let them down gently if they really were interested in seeing other people.  33 Who do you know that gives very sound advice? My friends, my sisters, Glenn. And my therapist but that kinda goes without saying. 

34 What do you think makes a person weak? Dishonesty, abusing power, refusal to admit wrongdoing, refusal to admit/discuss emotions, the list goes on.  35 What makes a person strong? For the sake of the argument I’m just gonna say the exact opposite of everything I listed above  37 Name one thing that you think defines you as a person? Sensitivity  38 Who do you go to when you need comfort? Glenn, my friends, my parents, the angels I pray to 39 Is there anyone|thing with whom|which you like to cuddle? Actually not at the moment. I mean I *should* say Glenn but I’m not in a very cuddly mood right now. I’m too energized! 4o Do nightmares still bother you? Occasionally. But I don’t have the traditional type of nightmares. No monsters or ghosts or near-death experiences. My bad dreams are manifestations of my biggest insecurities & anxieties.  41 At what age did you start to feel like a teen, and not a kid anymore? 15 or 16 maybe? I felt like a bit of a late bloomer as compared to my friends.  42 Are you or were you in a hurry to grow up? Never. I’m still not. 43 What is a fear you have about living on your own? As much as I love living with Glenn, I enjoyed living on my own so much. And my apartment complex is in a safe area so I never felt uncomfortable or scared being alone. It has good vibes to it.  44 Do you have any survey-maker recommendations? If yes, who? Ha, no. I get majority of my surveys from the same girl’s Tumblr but she’s not the one who makes them. 45 Who was the last person to completely fascinate you? The author of the workbook I’m currently reading/doing... does he count?