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life-winners-liveblog · 6 months

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Okay, DL!Scott, here comes the promised rant. (p.s., Scar, if you're feeling nice, do you think your Watcher powers could override Scott? I feel like Pearl might need to hear at least some of this)

OKAY!

Pearl didn't mean to leave Scott. She was genuinely looking, and ran into almost nobody. She went to the nether with Martyn because he was the only person she could find, and they wanted to find some stuff for their soulmates. MARTYN was the one running into danger, while Pearl tried to play it as safe as you can in the Nether. Her main focus was getting mushrooms so they could heal any damage. Whenever she did take damage she instantly started shoving food in her mouth while yelling sorry to the air, because even though she knew that her unknown soulmate couldn't hear her, she was still so genuinely sorry. Martyn started pushing to go into a bastion, and she was the one to point out that maybe that wasn't a smart idea. When she and Martyn came back to the overworld, she was excited for like .2 seconds, because while they were angry and Martyn she was happy! Because Cleo and Scott and her were together again! And then it dawned on her that they were leaving her too. When, while I'm sure it looked different from Scott's pov, from her perspective her only crime was going with Martyn, let me reiterate the only other person she could find.

And then Martyn turns around and says "I'm breaking up with you too." And then Ren banishes her from Box calling her a demoness. And then Tilly, the only living thing on that server that had showed her any kindness, died in front of her eyes. Of course she went mad. She wasn't just the crazy ex girlfriend, she was a hurt and lonely and grieving girl who had just watched the only person she cared about die.

And you have the nerve to call her the ignorant one? She is the one that's in the wrong here?

You're the least likable version of Scott, you know that? You call the others, who are all much better fighters than you according to the statistics, weak because they were attached. Yeah, maybe you weren't married, maybe you didn't have quite the same relationship as the three G's, maybe you didn't have an ally that you allowed to kill you because you were going to die anyways and if anyone is going to get your time it's them. But you did have Cleo. Don't act like you're above attachments. In the one game where you were supposed to have partners, the single game where the mechanic was designed so that nobody would end up alone, you pushed Pearl away. Martyn and Cleo became on at least decent terms towards the end, you and Pearl did not. No matter how much Pearl wanted to. You went against all of that. And still you think that you are somehow better than the others?? No wonder the Watchers hate you.

You're a b*tch, DL!Scott. I hope you know that

-Luna

(wow that was impressive)

#asks #trafficblr #author answers #/Well that was what more or less what I expected/#/Of course Pearl is oh so sad and the victim of big bad Scott and Ren and Martyn and Cleo but... you don't seem to understand I don't care #/I can't say that I enjoyed her being miserable either of course because I literally couldn't care less/#/As for Cleo? We were allies and? What's your point? ...Unless you think I actually cared for her which is so funny because it isn't true/#/And I will never ever consider a version of me any way more capable then me if they team up with Jimmy or get backstabbed so easily/#/as for Scar despite how he acts he could have kicked me out any point... He has the power to do so he just hasn't.#... ... .... You know why I am allowing you to remain here so-#/so stop acting high and mighty? Is that what you were going to say? Scar you are getting predictable/

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thegeminisage · 5 months

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it's tng update time.

we did. and you know this. because i made. i counted. 18 posts about it. "half a life." and of course: "the host" (honorific).

half a life: part of what makes the ep after this so wonderful is that THIS episode was so genuinely upsetting. it was a huge bummer. it was awful. the only fucking episode lwaxana troi has been in that cathy actually watched and she had a valid character arc. i was furious. and then we got into it and i was like. oh.

first of all, kudos to charles winchester from mash for being here. cathy caught a 4077 ref that i missed bc i wasnt paying attention. i cant believe he was gay when he did this

secondly. the fucking. ethical implications of. people who are infirm should be dead for their children's sake and for their own sake. like it's better to be dead than in a nursing home. when you're 60 time's up. parents care for their children so children should care for their parents. your aging parents are mortal and they'll die one day. your daughter wants you to kill yourself. you want to die and can't wait to kill yourself. you don't want to live and then you do want to live but you still have to kill yourself. you're 60. you're 60. YOUR DAUGHTER WANTS YOU TO KILL YOURSELF. when she is 60 your daughter WILL ALSO KILL HERSELF.

i think the most fucked up part of this was that lwaxana ruined him. she meant well, and for once i saw her point and her arguments as totally valid (i usually think she's horrible), it was like maybe the only semi-selfless thing she's ever done aside from the ferengi business we will not be discussing. but she ruined him. when he was fine with dying and he had to die, fine and whatever. when he wanted to live?? no longer fine. if he lives his people will hate him forever. his daughter will regret him living because he can't be laid to rest in the family plot. because he can't die with his friends and family surrounding him. but he's 60. people live to be well over a hundred in the star trek universe, other aliens live even longer. he's SIXTY. he's healthy. he has work to do. a planet to save. and he's gonna die knowing his work meant nothing and his planet might die and his grandson may have nowhere to grow up. live or die, he will be miserable either way, just because he was introduced to a different way of life. it's SO fucked up

i think i had more to say about this after it ended but i have clean forgotten all of it. like it's been blasted out of my memory which is probably for the best. the short version is, i am living at home taking care of my mother who turned 58 three days ago. i didn't need any of that.

but then.

But Then.

the host: what can i possibly. i mean. the sheer. the fucking

like the fucking MOOD WHIPLASH alone

i had heard of this episode years ago. so i knew beverly's bf was a parasite and he eventually jumped into a woman and i was made to believe she was super homophobic about it. i was prepared to look completely past all of this and enjoy not-quite-gay SUBTEXT. i was NOT prepared for ANY of the rest of it

to get this out of the way: as i said, though i miss wesley very much (ask catherine i say so like every episode) it's so fortunate that he was not here. i think bev finally hit menopause because her horny levels were CRITICALLY off the charts and this whole debacle would have been so awkward for him. i'm glad he sent her a letter god bless i'm so glad he's fine wherever he is

the BABY BUMP THIS GUY HAD. this i was not expecting. i didn't know we were doing pregnant men in this episode. i figured the entire episode would be about beverly being like "this is weird cuz idw fuck you now that you're a woman" i had no idea his ass would jump into RIKER

riker did amazing bg work in this ep too before he got to star. he gave beverly and her bf some KNOWING looks. at one point the following exchange was uttered: "HE knows they're fucking." "yeah he wishes it was him." apollo and the dodgeball.....

the fact that after that i literally did have the thought "yeah except he'd never fuck beverly. she's one of the few people who are off limits." lisa simpson dot jpg

and then riker's pregnancy, what can one say. beverly put a little worm in his body. i'm only sad we didn't get to see the baby bump because that would have been extremely funny

i spent the whole ep thinking no way can beverly fuck riker. they have to work together. she has to look him in the eye after this. AND THEN THEY DID.

like it's so insane. it's not even that i dislike the concept because the fallout could lead to some extremely meaty interpersonal drama except for the fact that star trek generally isn't about interpersonal drama and we didn't see riker again after he got possessed. we didn't get one word from him. the silence seems so calculated so as to avoid having to write his reaction. BUT I WANTED HIS REACTION. will he not tell us how it feels to be possessed and pregnant and FUCKING BEVERLY CRUSHER? genuinely this is the first time i've been tempted to look up tng fic. someone tell me there is fic

also, like, he only had 18 hours until he got a new body. she could have waited to fuck the new guy if she felt weird about it being riker. SHE didn't know the knew guy was gonna be a woman. like it had to be menopause

the fact that deanna condoned this, even suggested it, is INSANE. not only because she didn't consider riker's ability, or lack of ability, to consent, but because THAT'S HER BOYFRIEND. quasi-boyfriend. sometimes exes sometimes fwb. like it's NUTS.

their discussion was so wild too. like "what do i miss...his hands, his mouth...no, there was more than that" girl they were 5 more minutes away from discovering the split attraction model. actually i don't even normally like the split attraction model but this episode made me like it a little more. growth <3

actually on that subject quasi-exes are weirdly chill with each other on this show. picard and beverly are kinda dating and kinda not, the same way deanna and riker kind of are and kind of aren't. and picard is like...beverly whatever else i am to you i'm also your friend and i know this fucking sucks. do you want a hug. like that is SO chill and cool of him. and ik they probably do this bc they don't want to have to maintain character development but it winds up accidentally feeling really refreshing

anyway: The Woman

i can't believe that beverly can fuck riker, her "sort of "brother," but not this hot blonde lady. and i know it's because they can't be gay but ACTUALLY

i was SHOCKED that gender didn't come into it at all. like yes it was the elephant in the room but nowhere in beverly's dialogue did she say she couldn't do this because odan was a woman now. copypasting:

"Perhaps it is a human failing, but we are not accustomed to these kinds of changes. I can't keep up. How long will you have this host? What would the next one be? I can't live with that kind of uncertainty. Perhaps, someday, our ability to love won't be so limited."

NONE OF THAT MENTIONS GENDER. none!!! the only part that could be interpreted as a gender thing was when beverly said bring HIM in, and was smiling bc she was about to meet the new version of her bf, only for her smile to drop when she encountered a woman. you could sort of read it as "a woman will be even weirder than riker and i just don't have it in me to go through that acclimation process again" BUT LIKE. like she's CHOOSING not to. not that she couldn't eventually adjust. to a woman. beverly just found out she's bisexual fr

like the wrist kiss was SO SENSUAL. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. i can't believe they let two women do that on tv in 1991. holy shit. AND!!! they said i love you to each other. i did quite literally stand up out of my seat. it feels very progressive considering when it was written

and like it's a shame this was in the same episode where riker gets knocked up bc that distracted from the entire gay thing. i WISH the whole episode had been odan in a woman's body and riker had had his own episode to do all of that in later. like it would've been incredible. sexuality is fluid <3

anyway. wow. next time: "the mind's eye" and "in theory," two episodes i already feel sorry for because they will Never live up to all of that.

#personal #star trek blogging #tng lb #good fucking lord.

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papirouge · 1 year

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papi, I keep hearing about how evil women who want divorce will learn what it means to be lonely but most divorced women I know seem happy to be single or if they do pursue romantic partners, they don't end up marrying them. meanwhile divorced men are far likelier to remarry

a lot of this rhetoric just sounds like a cope, like most manosphere stuff is. like they'll assume every woman seeking divorce is doing it for entirely selfish reasons and take great (and perverse) delight in thinking of her being miserable somewhere down the line. I am sorry but what sex has entire movements obsessing about being miserable and lonely? most women's movements are about looking forward and improving themselves and society, or about being away from men, men's movements meanwhile seem very vindictive and focused on punishing women for not wanting to be around them anymore. it's like MGTOW... most MGTOW and MGTOW-adjacent social media content I ever see are about how mad women make them lmao and you could say the same for feminism, but at least that's grounded in women having grievances against male-run civilizations treating women poorly. the manosphere has like two legitimate points and the rest is just "I'm so mad I can't get a girlfriend"

then there are those who think women shouldn't get anything in a divorce settlement, as if every married woman is a stay at home wife and only her husband is bringing in money... I'm sorry but most women contribute financially to their households nowadays. so why is she supposed to get nothing in a settlement?? is that not her property too lmao

like, idk, I've never known a woman who wanted to get a divorce for no reason, or worse just to make her husband sad lmao (I've heard stories of people seeking divorce out of spite but it seems split pretty evenly between the sexes). three of my female relatives divorced because their husbands either became abusive or started cheating, and divorced female friends of mine have similar stories, that their husband was a piece of crap. but the divorce was a last resort, they tried to make things work before giving up entirely. there are absolutely women who ruin their marriages (I've known women like this too) but the way people just vilify EVERY divorced woman and blame her for the failure of the marriage is weird to me

sorry for the rant. I hope you're doing well

Hi ! yeah I'm doing well - currently trying to edit my next youtube video but my laptop is so slow I'm lowkey losing it lol

Of course all of this is a major cope. Reality & stats actually prove that MEN are those suffering the most from female rejection : Dating app are dominated by males, clubs have to offer free entry for women to appeal to them, males literally created a movement to whine about how they couldn't get laid.... Men ACTIVELY pursue women, but they're trying to gaslight women into thinking that it's the opposite and that if they don't lower their standards, they're going to end up old and alone, when none of this is backed up by actual reality. Don't you find interesting that those incel NEVER bring up actual objective evidence about "women hitting the wall" ? they only bring up older men age preference, but NOTHING about how actual WOMEN live their singleness at older age. It's just pure projection ; they assume that because older like younger women, then older women feel misrable about, which is untrue. Actually, those men are the first to seethe at silly tiktok of childless mature women enjoying their life..... Sorry but their behavior betrays their words. Meanwhile, there are plentiful data available about how men outnumber women in dating app- and let's not forget sexual violence because men "need" women for their sexual depravity. So it's pretty obvious which sex is actually desperate to find companionship.

Say what you want about feminist, but at least they're consistent in advocating for a certain emotional independence from men (there's a whole discourse about removing ourselves from the male gaze, internal misogyny, etc.) but most male activist movement are seething against women.....while actively seeking fulfillment FROM women. It creates a cognitive dissonance (those men seek to dominate women, but by relying on female sexual availability, it ultimately makes them dominated by women) that why Which is pretty funny to witness considering that those men pretend being the rational sex....🙃 That's why female movement like FDS/hypergamy are actively attacked by men (FDS reddit got routinely raided by scrotes to the point they left the platform) because they are threatened by the idea of women elevating their standards, because that would mean even less sexually available women for them. It's no coincidence MGTOW caught less traction than the incel movement (+ all these dating coach/"how to become an alpha male" grifters) because the former is for men trying to remove themselves from dating women, but men cannot stop themselves from being reliant on women sexually speaking, so they'd rather whine about it online than learn to seek independence.

#answered

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nervousmendes · 4 years

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Canada - Shawn Mendes

Word Count: 2.4k words (fluff)

Warnings: No warnings, just extreme fluff and emotions

A/N: Writer AU based on the song Canada by Lauv ft Alessia Cara. She loves her life in LA but a new opportunity opens her eyes to a new beginning so she needs to figure out what she wants and get Shawn on board with it.

Anyone living in Hollywood knew that LA in the middle of March is not the best time to forget to pull the blinds before going to bed. Scolding herself, she turned around in an attempt to keep the sunlight away from her eyes, feeling Shawn's breath fan her face when she turned towards him. She opened her eyes and she couldn't help but smile with admiration for the man who was asleep with her in his arms. Her hand absent-mindedly went to the soft, brown curls that covered his closed eyes. She brushed them behind and grabbed a few locks in her hand gently, making him let out a sleepy groan. She crooked her neck slightly upward to softly brush her lips against his and when an involuntary hum came from his mouth she had to laugh at how much he enjoyed it even though he was fast asleep.

Waking up in his arms with the sun lighting up their skin was something that she wasn't blessed enough to enjoy often. And she couldn't really do much but simply blame the fact that they both loved their professional lives, and wouldn't give up any part of finally getting to live their dreams for the sake of their relationship. Of course she hated the distance, and so did he. There were nights when they would miserably miss each other, and while of course they had the little technology they knew to see each other's faces and blow kisses via FaceTime, they wouldn't get the feverish touch of each other's skin that they craved, the endless kisses or the warmth of being in each other's presence that they both yearned for after a long, tiring day. Their only solution to balancing everything out was to make the best of the time they got with each other every now and then, and so, he got used to flying back on days off and she came to terms with taking surprise flights to go give her boyfriend a good luck kiss before he jammed out on stage whenever her job kept her free. Not to forget that it didn't really always pan out well with the mess of the schedules that they both worked on but nevertheless, they never stopped giving their relationship their all because no matter how hard it got sometimes, love is a magical thing that always overpowered everything else, so somehow it would all just work out in the end.

She sighed in content as she snuggled closer to Shawn, her hair softly tickling his chin. She looked up at him once again, and kissed him this time not giving a care for whether he was awake or not. The feeling of her lips on his woke him up, and she cringed at herself when he stirred, eyes fluttering open.

"Someone seems a little too impatient this morning, eh?" She smiled on hearing his morning raspy voice and pushed away the thought of not having it the next day. His eyes were half closed and his curls were a mess but she still didn't miss the twinkle in his eyes when he smiled down at her. It was now his turn to peck her lips, and as they met his mouth, he pulled her closer and swiftly lifted her off the bed and had her sit right on his stomach, hands splayed across his chest.

"Says you, who couldn't wait till I was done with my phone call last night." Her cheeks heated up and he had a smug smile on his face as they both reminisced their shenanigans from the previous night, the way his fingers worked their way under her lacy underwear while she was engrossed in discussing something work related with her colleague.

The thought of work (and sex, but she can think about that later) reminded her of the email she received three days ago, the morning Shawn had returned from tour. It was about a job offer in Toronto to be an editor for a well established magazine. He knew she had applied for the position, in fact he was the one who pushed her to when she kept complaining about how it would be impossible to actually get it. She did want to talk to him about the offer, but only after she knew for sure whether she was ready for a big change or not. And after a lot of thinking she figured that the opportunity would open so many new doors for her to grow and establish herself. She loved her work in LA but she had to admit that it was monotonous and there was nothing new for her to learn from drafting those articles anymore. With the new job she could also be closer to her family, and at the end of the day Toronto is where Shawn's home is too, not that it was really a deciding factor but she still considered it. She never thought she'd be one to make career decisions based on her relationship. She grew up with the idea of being an independent, self sufficient and confident woman who stood on her own two feet with her head held high. But love came in the way, consumed her. He consumed her, gave her his all, and literally breathed for her. And it would only be a big, fat, shameful lie if she said that it wasn't the same for her with him.

So now here she was, sitting on his pretty tummy with her mind lost in thought, trying to find the right moment to bring up that goddamn email with the most luring offer she'd ever gotten since the beginning of her career. She didn't want to upset him by saying she wanted to move, but she needed to talk about it. She knew in her heart that the job fit her needs and her dreams. She knew it was the right place to go to, and no matter how convenient living in LA made her relationship with Shawn, it was high time she gave herself the opportunity to grow. And who was she kidding, she wouldn't ever find anyone more supportive than him no matter how hard she tried, so yes, she knew it would practically take nothing for Shawn to support her with this decision, but the fact that she'd have to do it by that night before he we went back on the road did give her a good amount of stress.

"Baby, is everything okay? You haven't registered a single word I said."

His fingers resting on her waist drew small soothing circles on her skin as he pulled her closer to him, craning his neck up to meet her halfway and leave comforting kisses, the first to her lips and the second on the tip of her nose. She gave him a small smile that anyone would gladly accept, but Shawn being Shawn knew it was half-assed and could see the worry roaming behind her beautiful eyes.

"So is this the part where you tell me what's wrong or do I have to ask again?"

There was no avoiding it anymore, she had to talk about it. She slid off his frame and sat down, pulling her legs close to her chest. The sudden change in her demeanor caused Shawn to straighten up against the headboard and face her. She saw the lines his concern drew on his forehead and before even she could reach her hand out to smoothen them his big paws engulfed her tiny, warm ones, fingers carefully lacing into hers.

"Now spill, I'm listening." His reassuring smile that came after was enough to get the conversation started.

"Okay." She dragged, not knowing where to begin. His patient eyes didn't leave hers for even just a second as she reminded him of the application she made the first time and then told him about the offer, the position, the work she'd be doing and how it seemed a lot more interesting when compared to what she was doing at the moment. Shawn was always a good listener, and just like every other time, he paid attention to every detail and didn't cut her off a single time so that she could fully pour out how she felt about everything. She told him the whole story and finally let out a breath she didn't know she was holding in for that long.

"So yeah, that's what's up. I love the offer but I'm scared about moving and I don't know if it's the right thing to do."

"Okay first of all, I'm so proud of you, love. I can't ever say this enough but I am literally" a kiss to her lips, "sooo proud of you. I knew you'd get it, you are the most talented writer I know, and I mean that with my entire being." It was funny how even after more than a year of being with him she still giggled and blushed at his compliments like a kid in high school.

"What does your heart say?"

"My heart says I should take the leap and try something new. This is probably what I've always wanted in terms of my career. But I think-"

"No 'buts' baby. If this is what you want, you should go for it. What's stopping you?"

"This. Us. Me being in LA makes it so easy for us, we always get to see each other a lot more because at the end of the day this is where we both work. And yes we're both Canadian but let's face it, how often do we actually visit home?" The crack in her voice at the end gave her away and her glossy eyes fell to their intertwined hands, tears threatening to spill out.

"Hey, look at me. Look right at me." He now had his hands pressed against her cheeks and he lifted her face up so she could meet his gaze.

"We can make this work no matter where you go. You could be in fucking space and I will still love you just as much as I do right now. I love you so much, but you will never hold yourself back for the sake of our distance. Not under my watch. Okay?" And that was all it took for the tears to tumble down her face, except for that they ended up being happy ones.

"I love you so much, Shawn."

"And I love you more."

Her hands went to either side of his neck and he pulled her closer as her soft, pink lips connected with his. He pushed his tongue against hers and kissed her back with everything he had. His neck tilted sideways to give her a better angle, their mouths doing a patterned choreography that they knew all too well. He ended it with one wet kiss square on her lips, the smooching sound making her giggle loudly. They stayed that way, foreheads touching each other's, her hands, one around his neck and the other grabbing his hair, and his arms wrapped around her tiny frame pressed against his chest. This was all they ever wanted, young and in love, staying in bed an hour after they woke up, silly kisses and even sillier I love you's. It was perfect.

"So there's something I've been keeping secret for a while because I wanted to wait till the end of tour. But right now feels like the perfect moment to tell you. Also the fact that I don't think I can keep it in anymore, but that's secondary."

"Go on." She nodded, sitting back down while smiling at him.

"I did a lot of thinking and I realised that the end of four albums and four tours is a good time to take a much needed break and live a little normal life." He made air quotes on 'normal'. "And it would also make more time for me to spend with you. We deserve to have a normal relationship too, you know?"

"Shawn I'm so glad you realise you need a break."

"Wait I'm not done yet, here's the best part. The condo in Toronto is dull and empty, so... I'm coming with you to Toronto. I'll be there as soon as I'm done with tour " He smiled at her.

"Shawn, you don't have to! You have so much going on for you over here."

"No, I want to. I'll stay for however long, record the next album over there whenever I feel like it, but I'm going to be right there. I'll be there after a long day of work to give you back rubs, I'll be there to cook you some pasta, give you endless cuddles, keep you up on a weeknight for.. you know what." He had to add a little wink in there. "Point is, I love you and I love my job but I need a break from it to love you and myself a little more. And there is nothing in the world that I want more than that right now. So yes, I'm coming with you to Toronto."

She was at a loss for words. She didn't know what to say. The wide smile pasted on her lips and the tears in her eyes told Shawn more than her words could ever. Not knowing how to react, she plunged into his arms with a shriek and he let out a loud laugh as his back hit the mattress, her body going down with his.

"This is really happening." She breathed out, feeling his lips press a kiss to the crown of her head. His fingers stroked her hair and their smiles didn't seem to fade for what felt like hours. She could already imagine going to see her parents or his on weekends, build forts for movie night, reconnect with their old friends and relatives, get to take Karen's dog on walks, house parties, everything. Just the mere picture of their life in Toronto was enough to fill her with a buzz of endorphins. It felt so right. It suddenly felt like her life was pieced back together. She was going to live the life of her dreams, this time with the man of her dreams. It felt perfect.

"So.. Canada, huh?"

"Canada it is."

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taglist : @theregoesmyherojd @shawnmendez @madatmendes @mendesficsxbombay @samaratheweirdo @mendesassemble @vinylmendes

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Reply or message me to get added/removed from my taglist.

This is only my third fanfic and I'm still learning, so I hope you liked it. You can take a look at my masterlist for my other works right here. If you have any feedback or tips please feel free to tell me, it would be very much appreciated as I'm still new to this x

-sah

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kbrock9146 · 4 years

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THIS IS A LONG, LONG STORY. PLEASE READ TO THE END TO UNDERSTAND THE MAGNITUDE OF WHAT HAPPENED. But it is a longgggggggg story.

Ok. Buckle up folks. Here comes some crazy content for you to enjoy during Quarantine. Shout out to @gothicmagpie for letting me know that they were interested. ❤❤❤ Here we go, it's going to be a bumpy ride, and a long story (and yes, I will answer any and all questions afterwards, no worries about offending me or anything).

First things first, here is a picture of my maternal grandparents (featuring the grandmother in question):

I do not know the date of the above picture, but my GF was born in 1895, and my GM, 1898. They were in their late 40s, early 50s in the above picture. That, I do know. My mother was born in 1941, when my GM was 42, and my GF was 45, and this picture was taken sometime after she had been born.

With me so far? Okay, good. So those wonderful people above, they are both on their second marriage by the time of that pic. My GF's first wife died in childbirth, and my GM's first husband had been killed in the coal yard he worked at when a dump truck full of coal backed up and unloaded the coal on top of him. My GF and GM were both single parents in the early 1900s - they were both struggling, and going through a multitude of situations - INCLUDING GOING TO THE MOTHER FUCKING POPE (YES, POPE!) SO THAT THEY COULD GET PERMISSION TO GET MARRIED (the reason for that is another story for ANOTHER time).

Anyhow, they get married, blend their children into one household, have three or four more, for a total of seven, my mom being the youngest. My GF dies in 1962 from damage he took at the Battle of the Argonne during World Word One (he dry-drowned in his sleep). This leaves my GM windowed, and she remains this way until her death.

**as an aside, my GF died right before my mom was to get married to my dad (she was 21, and dad 22, at the time); when my dad came over to stay with my mom's family for the funeral, my deceased GF came to my dad with a message, so this is something that just apparently happens in my family - of course, I knew none of this when I saw my GM decades later**

From my first meeting with my GM, and until her death, she looked pretty much exactly as she does in the pic above. The only thing that really changed was that after she broke her hip for the 2nd time, she was pretty much confined to a wheelchair until she died. But kindly, smiling, gentle, and always wearing basically a mumu, that was my GM until she passed away November 2nd, 1990.

That year, on November 14th, I turned 10. My birthday that year was a bit strained. My dad wasn't exactly phased by what had happened, and while my mom wasn't exactly in pieces over it - my GM had been very sick in her last years and in a nursing home - she was sad, and was trying her best to run a family while dealing with the loss. The situation was made even worse when the wife of her oldest brother (he was 30 when she was born), called and berated and shamed my mom for not coughing up more money for the funeral and burial. My mom was EXTREMELY upset. Out of her other six siblings, she was the only one with a child under 25 at that time (remember, I was 10), and money wasn't exactly free flowing. My mom was a stay-at-home mom, my dad was a Baltimore City Police Officer, and I was going to private school. We weren't rich. And my mom's sister-in-law knew this, she just didn't care. She kept calling and harassing my mom to the point of tears. My mom was miserable; she was being driven to the point of shame and madness and didn't know what to do.

That brings us to the day of the visit. I don't remember why, but I was home alone. It was late in the day, and the sun was setting. I know this because the bedrooms of my house are on the west side, and they warm up nicely as the sun goes down. Out of the three bedrooms, I found myself in the middle one that day. The back room was mine, the middle my mom's, and the front/master bedroom was my dad's. I was not allowed into his room, but the middle room had a door that was shared with the master bedroom. That door was open and there was a noise coming from the bedroom, like someone walking around. I sat at the desk, looking towards the noise and the door, and just waited.

I can't say that I was scared exactly, but I was certainly curious. I cleared my throat, closed up the desk, and swiveled in the chair so that I was looking straight at that shared door. The movement continued, but there was no shadow being cast. I grew kind of bored just waiting, so I remember looking away out of the main bedroom door and then looking back.....

When I looked back, there stood my GM in the shared doorway. She was standing there, unaided, no wheelchair, but still rocking a mumu like a champ, and as solid as any living person. I remember her looking bemused and smiling at me before she said, "Hello."; I was more confused than anything at this point, so I mumbled some sort of greeting, and stood up to walk over towards her. I don't know why that was my first thought, but it was. Anyway, as I was walking over, I could hear that someome else was moving around in the room behind her as well, although I couldn't see who it was at that point.

Before I could get any closer, my GM said that she was here because she wanted to see my mom, and asked if I could go get her. I told her that my mom was out, and her smile faltered for a brief moment before she refocused onto me and asked if I could promise to relay a message. I told her of course I could, and waited for what she had to say. She glanced behind her and into the room for a moment, towards where the noise was coming from, and then looked back at me. She began to tell me that she was happy, and that it was VERY important for me to tell my mom that she was happy. Other things were said, like not to worry about what John's wife was saying in regards to the funeral and burial, she missed us, and a few other things that I honestly can't remember. At the end, noise was still being made in the room behind her, and she could see that I was not really paying attention to her (can you imagine the hubris of not paying attention to a dead relative that has come back with a message from beyond because you're concerned about the noises coming from another room?!?!?! My life has been wild.), so she called the person over who had apparently been making all the noise, and introduced him to me.

So now I have two very solid, very elderly-looking deceased people in my house. And this man, keep in mind I've had three grandfather's, this man is someone I have NEVER seen in my life, but my GM is just TICKLED with this guy. She introduces me to him, and he has the HUGEST smile I have ever seen a person have, and he nods his head in my direction, then looks back at my GM, and reaches out to hold her hand.

From this point on I do not remember any words that were said because I was laser focused on trying to figure out WHO this guy was. When I say in the above paragraph that my GM "introduced" me to him, she did, but the name was literally foreign, and having never heard this man's name before, I couldn't clearly make it out. The only thing I knew at the time was that this guy was NOT either of my grandfather's, I had NEVER seen him before, and this is going to sound crazy (oh, yeah, okay Kim, *THIS* is going to sound crazy.... *THIS* part coming up is going to sound "crazy"..... ok, Kim), but he just *looked* Italian. I didn't recognize his name or his face, but looking at him, I just remember thinking that this dude was Italian. And that made me really, really confused because my mom's side of the family and my dad's side of the family both came over together from Germany - they settled on the same street, for goodness sakes, so I had NO IDEA where this Italian guy came from. But I could tell that they made each other really happy in whatever afterlife they were in.

Then my mind started wandering even more because I was thinking to myself that if my GM and this random dude are having a blast in the afterlife, where are my grandfathers? Who are they with? What does this mean? Are there soul mates? When is my mom comimg home? What's going to happen when I die? WHO IS THIS GUY? Why are they in my dad's room? Why is anyone thinking this is okay to lay on a 10 year old? But for real, WHO IS THIS GUY? Does he speak? Why hasn't he spoken? What is going on?

About this time is when either my GM could tell that I was about done, or she herself had done all she could in this plane of existence, because I remember her saying, "Now, you'll tell her won't you?" And I let out a humourless laugh because we all knew that at that point in my mom's life, she didn't believe in ghosts or anything paranormal. So, I kinda laughed, and glanced away and said, "I'll remember, but she's not going to believe me." As I glanced back, they were gone, and the house was silent.

Many weeks went by and I said nothing. My dad, who was very "sensitive" to that sort of thing, and had had supernatural experiences, I avoided telling him because he would have thought I was lying and hit me. He didn't like being bothered with stuff. And my mom, well, she didn't believe in the supernatural, so even though she would have listened to me and let me get the whole story out, she wouldn't have believed a word of it. So for weeks and weeks I kept this story to myself and said nothing. Not saying anything was driving me crazy, especially because I wanted to know who the guy was that had been with my GM.

It was just my mom and myself one night at dinner. And that night my mom broke down over being harrassed about the funeral/burial by her sister in law. After we had finished eating, I took a deep breath and asked my mom if we could talk. She said sure, so I gingerly brought up her mom. I could tell that it wasn't a conversation she really wanted to have, so I just jumped right to the heart of the matter......

"Mom? GM was married twice, right?"

"Yes. I told you about that."

"I know. I was just making sure."

My mom looked at me strangely, "Why would you want to 'make sure', about something like that? What even brought this up?"

Not really knowing what to do at this point, I just jumped in with both feet and started telling her the story of my GM's visit. As predicted, my mom looked thoroughly unimpressed with what I was saying.... that is, until I mentioned the Italian guy.

My mom was an olive skinned woman, but when I mentioned the Italian guy, she turned white as a sheet. She asked me to repeat myself, and then, without a word, my mom got up and left the kitchen. I heard her climb into the attic, and there she stayed for quite some time. She had been gone so long, I was starting to doubt that she was coming back, and I got scared that I had said something that upset her so badly, that she had locked herself in the attic. Just as the situation crescendoed, and I was going over how I was going to explain everything to my dad when he got home and wanted to know why my mom was barricaded in the attic, my mom returned to the kitchen, out of breath, with a very huge, very old book, that she triumphantly thumped down on the table, hard.

With a flourish, she flipped open the book reveal two tin-types. One was a young woman, fashionably dressed, and posing as per the norms at the time. My mother asked, "Do you know who that is?"

I squinted a little harder at the picture. It was my GM. Young. I had never seen her young before. Was that a fox she had around her neck? She was dressed to the NINES. As I sat admiring the tin-type of my GM, I happened to glance over at the other side of the book, at the second tin-type.

This one was a bit different.

This one was a fashionably dressed young man.

THE man.

The man that had appeared all those weeks ago with my GM.

I looked up at mom. She was looking at me expectantly. "Is that him?", she asked. I nodded. It was. Much younger, but the eyes, the nose.... very much the same.

"Who is this?" I asked. My mom started to explain to me as she bade me to continue looking through the book. Before my GF, before my GM's first husband, there was this gentleman, my GM's Italian lover.

The book was full of letters, mementos, fabric, flowers, pictures, just about anything that they had sent back and forth to each other. My GM not only spoke German and English, but Italian too! Their handwritten letters were intermingled with the keepsakes within this book.

No one else in the family knew about my GM's Italian lover. The only reason my mom knew is because as my GM's caretaker towards the end, she had found this and asked her mom about it. Apparently my GM and this Italian gentleman had been together for a very long time. Something happened that forced him to return to Italy - I'm not sure of it was Visa related, or if someone had taken ill - but he had asked my GM to come to Italy with him, and she had declined.

Throughout the book, there were more letters from him after he had gone back to Italy, wherein he was trying to figure out different ways for my GM and him to be together, but eventually the letters stopped (probably because my GM refused to go to Italy). Shortly thereafter, my GM married her first husband, a fellow German by the name of Walter. And the rest is, as they say, history.

So, what did I learn from all this? I learned that once you die, you don't necessarily end up with who you were with while you were alive; you can make house calls to your grandchildren and leave messages for your own, grown children. And being on a different plane of existence will not stop a person from throwing shade when it's justified because the living are acting a fool.

Ah, the mysteries of the supernatural.

#personal #maternal grandmother #grandmother #mom #dad #supernatural #04/26/20 #italian #german #surprise #10 year old me needs counseling

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amysubmits · 6 years

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How do you summon the courage to talk to cynicaldom about spanking?? Was it terrifying for you to tell him about it? Does it get easier? My partner and I talk about *everything*...but I still can't talk about spanking out loud.

It’s tough! It has gotten way, way easier for me over time though.

When I very first told him I was into spanking, it was basically because I started feeling like he had to know. It was obvious that something was lacking for me sexually and he had started blaming himself and asking me questions in an attempt to figure out what he should do differently. I felt like I couldn’t use words so I presented him with a spanking themed erotica book and a paddle that I had purchased at some point but had hidden from him. That was enough for him to understand that I liked spanking so he tried swatting me during sex but it didn’t do anything for me, really. So we continued to feel stuck. He still didn’t know I had a true spanking fetish, I think he sort of thought I just had this idea that I presented but then once it became clear that I didn’t enjoy being swatted during sex he thought it wasn’t even a real interest of mine, maybe?

I knew it was more than that because I had never fantasized about sex at all, literally nothing other than spanking. Eventually, I came across a domestic discipline forum online. That helped me to begin to understand my kink a bit better. I realized I wasn’t into spanking in all contexts, but only when it felt ‘real’. I now recognize that the key was needing to feel submissive to the person spanking me. Role play doesn’t make me feel submissive. I needed to be in a power exchange relationship in general in order to feel like that person really had authority over me. It’s easy to put this all in a paragraph but this was probably 3 years time to put these pieces together? It was tough.

Once I realized that I wanted him to lead our relationship or that I wanted DD I told him with words. Partially because I realized how miserably my attempt to convey a message via giving him a book had gone. Another aspect of it was just knowing that we were still struggling sexually and feeling like admitting it to him might really help us. My hope was that I could just say domestic discipline and he would google it and magically become the exact kind of HoH that I wanted. He did google it but then he had questions, of course.

He was open to the idea of DD, but he had some concerns and he just refused to jump in without having a very clear vision of what we were doing. He had questions and expected my feedback on a lot of things. For him, saying spanking or domestic discipline never was embarassing at all. I remember being SHOCKED that he would just say them like any other word. I would giggle and blush every time. He would ask me a question like ‘What do you think about maintenance spanking?” and I would reply with something like “Uhm..i..uh..hehe. That is okay?” and he was calm and polite but I could sense a little frustration. So he’d say “What is okay?” and I’d try to do ‘Um..what you just said?” and he would come back with ‘No, we need to talk about this. Say maintenance spanking.” and him speaking to me firmly like that made it possible for me to say it. He basically just wouldn't’ let me get away with not talking about it and I really wanted DD so I realized I had to force myself to talk about it if he was going to consider doing it. It was either talk about it or don’t get what you want. So I found the guts.

Over time it continued to get easier, through seeing him so accepting of DD and of me. He never made fun of me or was condescending about any of my ideas related to DD. I also saw that when I gave him information about what I needed, or even just ideas I liked or things I wanted, it made him better able to meet my needs. Even now, he knows it takes effort and courage for me to tell him about things I like or want so he almost always praises me by reminding me that he’s so glad I told him.

It’s now fairly easy for me to talk to him about spanking, DD and D/s in general terms now. It’s still harder to specifically say ‘I want a spanking.’ though. I still sometimes feel the desire to just act out until I get his attention sometimes. However, he really dislikes intentional bratting. Fairly early on I had acted out on purpose and he was obviously quite disappointed which surprised me at first because it was a more minor rule. He told me something really close to ‘It’s okay that you need a spanking. It’s not okay to just break rules like this. I expect you to respect me and our relationship enough to not do this again.” and it basically broke my heart enough that the message has stuck with me when I want to intentionally act out and has motivated me to speak up even though it’s hard. I still sometimes act up without really recognizing that’s what’s happening until it’s too late.

So I guess for us it just came down to me feeling like I had to speak up in order to make it work, or to avoid frustrating or disappointing him and that was all the motivation I needed. Though once I realized it really helped him to be a good Dom for me when I did share more with him, that provided more positive reinforcement to continue sharing. For CD, me showing that I trust him is practically a drug. So just seeing how pleased he is with me when I share difficult things is a big motivator too.

I do recognize that for many people, being sort of pressured to talk about it could make them shut down. So I know our solution won’t work for everyone and I apologize if it’s not at all helpful to you. 😞 There are many situations where someone prying makes me more defensive but in this case, it wasn’t like that. I think in part it was because the only reason I was hiding them was a fear of judgment. I was ashamed, so once I realized he wanted to know what I liked, it felt like a little bit of approval in and of itself. Then once I shared details and continued to get acceptance and praise it just kept getting easier.

Also, I have a friend who puts something on her partners’ pillow if she wants sex. Maybe you could do something like that but for spanking if you live together? Or assign a certain emoji to symbolize ‘spank me please’? 🥄 to symbolize a wooden spoon?

#asks #new to d/s #vanilla to d/s

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