its insane how upset some people get when I set pretty basic boundaries

oh? I don´t allow you to be invasive and creepy towards my oc because it makes him and me very uncomfortable? too bad. cope and seethe.

did you know you can find a character hot without calling them a wh*re in a """playful""" way and saying how you want them to have s*x with a literal r*pist?? woah!

seriously. you´re not quirky. you´re not funny.

stop. it.

freely ignore, this just the broken rambles of a burned out autistic. or maybe my fellow autistics can relate

I am just so tired of not being able to do…anything a normal person can do. or even what I could do a few year ago

I just wanted to work on my niffty doll, but I kept getting disoriented. I only managed to wrap her armature today, and I’ve been at this for a week

I just wanted to watch tv while I did it, but the tv was piercing and the flashing was too much

the light I had on to work on my doll with wore me down and felt too bright, even with my sunglasses

I had to put on my industrial earmuffs but they’re so tight and I can’t wear my sunglasses with it on

I tried to work on commissions, but the fan from my computer was too loud and the screen was too bright even on the lowest setting

my ipad is even too bright with the lights turned down but i don’t want to go to bed. i donkt want to do nothing

i’ll never get out of this burnout. I feel so broken. what happened to the artist that churned things out daily and the rper that was drawing icons like no tomorrow? what happened to when I could make a doll in a day? now I’m lucky if I can make my own dinner once a week

did I really lose everything that I am? I’m just. forever a sensory overloaded ball with severe chronic pain that I think might be elhers danlos (and not fibromyalgia), and able to do nothing but curl up in my sensory swing

I want my life back. im so tired. I’m so new to burnout, so new, only two years into this discovery of me. i don’t know what to do. I’ve lived with this my entire life without knowing anything other than just being different, odd, and quirky. and now I’m paying the price for masking.

please…does any fellow neurodivergents/autistics have advice?

ADHD and BPD?

Did you mean

Literal absolute hell on earth

MAJOR chain of thorns spoilers !!!

[[ negative thoughts under the readmore about a particularly topic ]]

i also cannot help but feel as though chain of gold did a better job at handling christopher's potential death when he was poisoned than chain of thorns did with christopher's actual death

like, yeah christopher died right when everyone didn't have time to afford to like properly mourn or grieve and they had to take action but like. still.

and i think part of it, for me at least, is that while we get bits of like, thomas grieving it's from an outside perspective and never iirc in his own point of view??? like, there's when he first finds out of course, and then you get i think cordelia remarking in her pov that thomas lost both his sister and basically brother in a year, and that he was the last of the merry thieves currently and he must be feeling so lonely etc but from what i recall we never get thomas' feelings and thoughts regarding these things when we're in his pov???? and yeah there are 'more important things' to focus on re: the watchers and stuff but it makes christopher's death feel empty and as a result unnecessary. it feels like the same story beats could have been accomplished by christopher being severely poisoned and like comatosed, while the adults are all unaccessible in Idris which worsen his odds or something. he's still taken out of commission and the stakes are still heightened.

maybe i would have taken his death better if he was immediately still or something after he's hit instead of i think lucie hearing him say afterwards,that he was fine, because iirc the actual moment he was hit came off as like significant and i thought he died but then it was like 'oh his shoulder's just hurt! he's just injured! dw we'll just be out of the way bc of his injury' and then it's like 'oh actually he's dead now'. i think that 'false hope' just made his sudden death feel kind of cheap to me, for lack of a better word, and contributed to his death feeling unnecessary. maybe his death would have felt at least a little bit 'better' to me if it wasn't for that, bc otherwise it came off less of a 'this is war and people die' situation and more of a 'he is dead simply for shock value' situation. like i get, in-universe, christopher saying he’s fine when he’s not but the way it played out, as a reader, was unsatisfying to me.

like, the doylist reason for his death is that one of the merry thieves had to die for ""realism"" sake but like. it shouldnt come off as that obviously being the reason when you're reading, you know? and at the very least it should be given the weight and respect it deserves ?? as it is it feels like christopher was killed off for shock value and bc 'well one of them has to die and christopher is the easiest one to get rid of' and everyone's like 'oh no! well we can't dwell on that rn' and then they just never dwell on it, and it just makes his death feel empty and unnecessary and it has me feeling sour ngl

and maybe im an unrealistic idealist who feels like none of the main kids had to die! but if they did i’d imagine their death having more weight and presence in the story after it’s happened !

like, i feel if it was matthew who died, there'd've been more dedicated to it. granted, he's james' parabatai . but still. i feel like if even thomas had died, there still would've been more.

thomas and christopher had such a close bond that we got to see in the other two books and the lack of thomas' feelings from his own perspective just feels wrong. i dont care if theyre shadowhunters and needed to focus on battle and the bigger picture. and i know that thomas especially tries to cope with grief by action. and maybe it's supposed to signify everyone's maturity in this book with their reactions vs back in chain of gold. but it still comes off as significantly unsatisfying. imo.

outside of the scene where thomas finds christopher is dead, and outside the brief moments of anna coming off as reckless/wanting to fight the watchers in anger bc of kit, a lot of the christopher grief came off sort of like ‘telling not showing’ if that makes sense??? 

not to mention that i like personally really dislike when a character survives something where death was like a legit real possibility to then just die later on, especially when it comes off as just killing someone for shock value and/or to signify that ““things are serious now””. you can claim that their surviving is 'false security' and spin it as subversion or whatever but. i just dont like it. i never like it, whether it's in book series or tv shows, except i guess cases where it's just done well and makes sense and is thematically satisfying. so like, christopher dying after being poisoned and in danger of dying back in chain of gold and surviving also has me feel dissatisfied. especially because his death came off as “well someone had to die” and the aftermath of it was so neglected and it just felt so unnecessary and im just really sour about it.

a lot of this is ramble-y and all over the place and i dont even know if i got out all that i wanted to in regards to my feelings and thoughts about the topic but. yeah.

Did I stay awake throughout the night questioning the worthiness of my life and shit while also questioning if I am even worth a damn......

yes i did.

//i feel so stressed after all this shit with the passport-

it's proper taken the wind out of my sails, i wanna draw/write but i just can't find the energy

Uhhhh... hate that weird scene with Haruka and Saejima a lot.

Ugh i feel so out of place when i see my cool friends and Im sitting here like, why do they think im cool why do they like me. Like Im the mos unfun annoying person i know. I litterally cannot apologize enough that yall have to deal with me

bro im so fucking tired of finding the most illeterate people when i wanna find art/icons of my cc

//despite everything i’ve gone through, I think the petty, highschool drama bullshit is really pushing me to quit my job

it’s just one coworker who thinks everyone is out to get her when she’s just rude to everyone for no reason: like yelling at the shift runner because she thought he blamed her for a mess and kept going on with the rudeness after he said “no, i wasn’t talking to you” and then turning her ire onto someone else when they asked what happened

she keeps complaining about being hungry (maybe eat before you come into work???) and pesters me throughout my break about how long I have left and complains when I have more than 10 minutes left, our break is 45 minutes and I take all of it because I have chronic pain.

I was willing to put up with it but now she’s trying to drag me into her childish pit- I was asked a question, I answered in confidence, she decided she didn’t like my answer and then spread it while I wasn’t on shift.

I’m not about it. I’m 27. I’m not in school anymore.

It’s sad, it used to be a really nice place to work in terms of the staff but some of the new people are just so unnecessarily rude that it’s ruined the once nice environment.

running on like 4 hours of sleep and the only moods available are "fuck everybody, y'all don't deserve me" and "if I don't get validation from the specific people I'm thinking about within the next five minutes I'm gonna drop dead" so that's fun

I really wish I could like a certain ship more than I do and enjoy lots of the great fanworks that exist for it, but I just can’t get over the fact that a NOTICEABLE portion of fanworks revolve around one of the characters being pregnant which for some reason super squicks me out. Is this like...a common thing with het ships? It doesn’t seem to be a thing in any of the other het ships in this fandom. It almost seems like desperate cope or fantasizing/self insertion and it...really weirds me out. I’ve never been a fan of pregnancy stuff and maybe it’s just dysphoria or whatever but I hate hate hate lovechildren fanworks and it’s irrational yeah but I’ve never seen it so prevalent in a fandom and especially not for a single ship. It’s like culture shock coming from shounen fandoms with too many male characters.

Like sorry if this sounds like a dig against the unnamed ship but it really does prevent me from enjoying it or interacting with its fandom properly. That’s a me problem but it’s still disappointing.

everything I do just fails horribly

the only thing I can is just fake optimism and keep trying

but damn does it get harder every time

Sometimes I forget why I kin Illumi and I start thinking I only kin him because I want to be like him

But then I remember the fact that I am able to forgive the bad things my family did towards me and that despite getting fucked up by things they did to me I still manage to find them excuses and say they aren't that bad.

And then I am like oh.

Oh.

I have been manipulated by my family and now I am unable to be truly mad at them despite everything wrong they did to me, to the point that I am literally able to defend them.

Aaaaah fuck

Yeah

Illumi kin

Ya know when people told me "when you're finally safe enough that you can leave survival mode and start to let go of and process your c-ptsd/trauma things are probably going to get really, really bad before they slowly start to get better" I thought that was reasonable. I did not understand that by "things are going to get bad" they meant "you're going to find yourself in the worst mental state of your entire life, but dw, that means it's working" and tbh I simply wish someone had been more clear.

Edit: If everyone could please take a minute and think about what it must feel like to be struggling and then have multiple strangers say to your face that they find the prospect of going through what you're going through so horrifying that they'd rather kill themselves and then stop leaving comments like that I would greatly appreciate it.

Just some negative thoughts below and a slight tw for racism (?)

I just hate it how despite that I am both african american and half puerto-rican. Im not called black enough because I dont watch black shows,and not enjoy certain foods that african american people like and the such...

Just the fact that I sound white as fuck and not black... bothers the hell out of me. But what pissed me off was when my mother said I dont accept "Black advice" and only accepts "White Advice:

Okay, just because I dont like it when people PREACH and not keep it simple and short for me. Cause I'd rather just be told about my mistake or about everything else and MARCH forth. Not having to be put down for past mistakes and such.