stereotypicalantagonist
Dadmom™ Inc.
Genderqueer & queer princeCasper the cosmic entity. They/them. Block my personal hoopla as ghostly mumbles.
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Everything is crumbling to pieces in my head and I don’t know how to fix it when my therapist seems stumped I’m supposed to make so many phone calls and all I want to do is fucking disappear I can’t do this
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hmm maybe I should be more concerned about these thoughts maybe I should think a little harder but there’s a perfectly good razor in my bathroom so why not why not just make everyone’s life easier why not just fucking do it I’m a waste of space anyway and a shitty friend and all my perceptions are in my head and I ruin fucking everything and I’m toxic and a bitch so why the fuck not
#ghostly mumbles#suicide tw#self harm tw#gotta love being a mistake#and i can’t fucking erase myself#no matter how hard i try
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ah yes it appears once more that the fucking demons my brain produces are more reliable than anyone else this is perfectly fine and normal and reasonable like yes I love being haunted by things that don’t exist what an excellent way to spend the wee hours of the morning cool cool
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Ah psychosis so we meet again
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well back on my bullshit lol
tw: self harm, suicidal ideation, eating disorders
I mean. Really. Why am I staying clean. Why am I not just pounding back a bottle of Jack and a bottle of pills. I’m so tired and useless and I ruin everything and everyone hates me and it’s all my fault and it’s really just horrendous the way I can destroy everything lol can’t wait to die
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#stupid stupid stupid#hod i fant do anything right#cant fuckjng so anything rivht and i fhckjng hate myselc#i cant feel my fucking hands#ghostly mumbles#i want to fuckjng disappear#i fucking hate myself#everything j dk is a mistane#why why why why#i should do rveryone a favor#and must end it
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tw: self harm, vague eating disorder, suicide, suicide, suicide, this stupid pandemic
i think we all know if i’m back ehre then shit’s hit the fan lmao
like jesus its basically a checklist at this point like oh just the usual nothing to see hree nothing important going on just lemme lie toe veryone i know and self destruct from the privacy of my bathroom floor l m a o
i s2g people only want me to be some fucking parent to fix everything for them and to listen to a bunch of bullshit baby complaints every fucking day and ims o fucking tired and overwhelmed and i wish i could just have one fucking day where i didnt have to be responsible for fucking everything
like i fucking resent my dogs at this point and i feel myself getting set off just because the cat is messin with something and its fucking stupid like ive been at a boiling poin for whell over a year but nah who fucking cares
wanna die? oh yeah
wish ic ould self harm? big fucking mood
want the entire world to just shut the fuck up? god please
want to disappear to the woods? jesus yes let me become a hermit
i want to be swallowed by the world and i want everything to just fucking stop for five minutes so i could fucking breathe for fucking ocne but nononononononononono fucking n o
stupid ass reoccuring ganglion cyst on my elft hand? brutal
body falling apart? check
havent had migraine meds for two months? cant wait to stab out my own temple to relieve the pressure
but yknowe. i’m nothing more than a fucking therapist for everyone in my life and im just so fucking exhausted
cant do anything right cant even fuckin eat right without being asked about it cant manage to wash a fukin spoon right cant take care of my dogs right cant even fucking take care of mysle like why the fuck am i even trying
the one person i had who never wanted anything from me other than my company go t taken away from me because of this fucking pandemic that i cant escape no matter what i do and shes in a nursing home and like literally this is so fucking stupid iw ould go through a full hazmat decon wahtever just to sit with her for ten fucking minutes and have her ask about my blue hair
everything is garbage and i wish i could shut off my brain i wish i could fucking cope i wish i wasnt fucking alive but HERE WE FUCKING ARE. everyhting hurtsa and the weather is ass and it makes everything worse
i cant even bother to typet his right like whats the fucking point
god i wish i could just escape i wish i was fucking jared, aged 19 or fucking dead like i couldve been three years ago but nah im stuck in this useless meat suit with a brain that cant functionr ight
literally its sad boi psychosis hours and i want to die
lmao i could just relapse and no one would give a shit because itws not beneficial to them like everyone would be so much better off if i just went throughw tih it and got out of their hair like im fucking annoying and have nothing to contribute except being expected to listen to everyone else twenty fuour fuckin seven and yknow what? i don’t fucking want to
fuck it lets ruin everything lets make everyone pissed off that i cant be used anymore lets just fucking go
just fucking go away forever
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As much as I hate myself I still hope you’re okay
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Anyway, now that I have effectively ruined every relationship I’ve ever had, I should just delete my existence. Make things better for everyone.
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Trigger warning: everything
It’s been a long time since I logged in here, and, honestly, I don’t know where else to go or what else to do.
Every fiber of my being is craving a dangerous game. If I relapse, that’s two and a half years gone - just gone. Forever. And I’ll be as much as a failure as I’ve been told. And that part of me wins. If I don’t relapse, sure, I’ll have a clean streak, but what am I supposed to do with all this pain?
It’s nearly 3:00 am, and I can’t sleep.
I’m so fucking tired. Physically. Emotionally.
Mentally.
I can’t sleep, and I can’t stop wishing I was dead.
Everything hurts. I’m so tired of having to live with fibromyalgia. Of being in so much pain, all the time, and it being swept under the rug because I’m young. Because nothing traumatic caused the pain.
I don’t know if there was ever a time in my life where I didn’t hurt. I’m in so much pain. So much. And it only gets worse the older I get.
I want to die.
I don’t want to be alive. I don’t want to have to live with a carefully managed regime of pills, pills, and more pills. I’m almost 22 and I have more medications than my mother and the rest of my family combined.
I’m old.
The best years of my life have already disappeared down the drain, and I was too young to properly commit them to memory.
I’m trying so hard to keep it together. To not explode because I have to listen to something innocuous that won’t matter in five more minutes. I can’t fucking cope. And I genuinely can’t bring myself to care about anything.
Nothing.
Not a goddamn thing.
Everyone would be happier if I disappeared. If I just let myself go in the middle of the night and I wasn’t there when they all woke up.
In the end, I’ve done nothing of note, and it doesn’t matter if I go.
I’m so fucking tired. I’m so fucking tired.
I’m so fucking tired.
I’m drowning, and no one can bother themselves to care to see if I’m going to get to shore.
I said I felt like I was on a psychotic break. And it didn’t matter. People are too “tired” to give a fuck about the fact that I’m terrified to open doors because I don’t know what hallucination will be on the other side. That I can’t sleep because I don’t trust what will happen if I close my eyes.
But that doesn’t matter.
To anyone.
My jokes have been getting darker and darker, and I feel like i’m either going to end up in a morgue or a psych ward.
I can’t be trusted at this point, and I know that.
What’s the point whats the point whats hte point
I should just disappear
im sorry
#ghostly mumbles#self harm tw#suicide tw#can't wait to see if tumblr deletes this since i don't know the garbage shit they call rules anymore
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I will be okay. My dogs will miss me if I’m gone. I will be okay. My mom would never recover. I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay.
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I feel like I’m slowly evaporating, like every time I look in the mirror, a little less of me looks back. I’m so tired. I’m in so much pain.
I don’t want to see the mirror anymore. I don’t want to wake up.
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theres this chinese girl in my class who isnt very fluent in english and she asked me if i have a boyfriend and i was like “i dont. i dont like. boys” and she nodded very wisely and went “ah. cooties”
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