sanctity-in-sexuality
The Sanctity in Sexuality
A place for discussing and understanding the Catholic Church's teachings on sexual ethics, in accordance with magisterium approved resources and precepts.Please be advised that some content may not be suitable for people under the age of 18.
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"Love and fidelity joined together always produce familiarity and mutual trust, and hence in their married life, the saints, both men and women, have used many reciprocal caresses [...]
The great St. Louis was equally rigorous to his body and tender in his love for his wife, yet he was almost blamed for being too generous with his caresses. Actually, he deserved praise for being able to curb his courageous, martial spirit and subdue it to these little duties so needful to preserve conjugal love. Although such demonstrations of pure, frank affection do not bind hearts together, they tend to unite them and serve as an agreeable help to their life in common."
-St. Francis de Sales, Introduction to the Devout Life
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Fair warning, this may be a heavy topic... but do you have any advice or suggested readings for individuals/couples with a history of sexual trauma? Sadly I have experienced past sexual abuse and assault involving both extremely painful penetration and disordered degrading practices. I've been open about this with my boyfriend (who has been nothing but an amazing non-judgmental and comforting listener) and we've discussed that we have both wondered about whether we may need to approach things in a special way once we are married. By the grace of God I'm grateful that my everyday mental health is actually exceptionally good for the severity of my past trauma, but we wonder if entering in a sexual context would dig up old, highly negative feelings. I guess for me it also doesn't feel like something I'd be able to just sort of naturally figure out... I don't want like a graphic gratuitous description but I wish I had a more specific concept of how it "starts happening" because my experience was so abnormal and I have no idea how couples ease into things slowly and safely, and not having any clue is sort of scary. This is a topic that's usually too personal and dark to broadly ask about, but I'd appreciate any guidance beyond general "be loving and patient" advice that applies to everyone... Thanks for reading <3
First off, I am so sorry that you experienced such a nightmare. I would hesitate to even call it sex, and mentally separating the two might help you. It is so wonderful that you're in a supportive place to work through it.
I do not have experience helping others with past sexual trauma, so my advice may not be well-curated to your situation. However, I can give some more broad advice about easing into it (and this doubles for anyone who's anxious about marital sex).
After you've made vows, it's okay to take it slow and wait until you're comfortable to try sex. That might be days, it might be months. It's more common than you'd think.
Sex is incredibly vulnerable. Easing into it is merely taking small steps of vulnerability at a time. Cuddling in pajamas, undressing/dressing where your spouse can see, taking a shower together. Just getting used to seeing each other naked. Then move on to gentle but intimate touches, such as kisses on the neck or thighs. The important thing is to communicate honestly and constantly; tell your spouse immediately if something makes you uncomfortable, if it hurts, or if it feels nice. Ask your spouse to consistently check in with you, too.
In regards to penetration, it honestly depends a lot on how tight the woman is and how large the penis is, but it does tend to hurt a bit at first. This could be triggering for you. A lot of the discomfort is friction. Use lube, trust me (we just use coconut oil). Personally, even 2.5years into marriage, I'm still too tight usually, and we have a practice where my husband very slowly eases into me like 1/2in at a time - then he pauses, lets my body adjust to it, and waits for me to give a go-ahead to continue. There's absolutely no shame if you husband needs to do something similar to make you feel safe and comfortable. And there's no shame if you have to call it quits and try again.
As for how it "starts happening"... Imma be frank, a lot of the times married couples just ask each other. Once you're practiced and established the art, you'll get moments where "one thing leads to another" or whatever, but (a) when you're starting out and don't know the rules/language it's easier to just verbally confirm, and (b) even practiced, it's still sometimes easier to just ask. E.g., "Do you want to make time for sex tonight?", "I'm in the mood, want to take this farther?", or "Let's try penetration now".
Again, the main thing is to communicate. Over-communicate. Tell your spouse ahead of time what your expectations are for having sex the first time (for you, very slow and with an emphasis on gentleness). It may take time before your negative associations with sex as degrading are replaced with positive ones that make you feel cherished. It may not be enjoyable at first while you're learning to overcome that but it should feel safe and comfortable.
I've recommended this before, but I honestly think reading the Song of Songs can be very healing for those struggling with negative associations with sex. It is a really beautiful depiction of how sexual intimacy should be experienced between spouses.
I hope this was helpful, feel free to follow up with any specific questions. God bless!
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May is Masturbation Month
Because who needs authentic self-care and self-love when you can give yourself quick and easy pleasure that gives you nothing in the end, am I right? ;)
In response to this though, I figured instead of complaining about it, I would offer an alternative. After all, masturbation comes with it a promise of self-love and happiness, though over time one sees that after the highs ride away with your orgasm: you’re still left alone and at the low end of it all without anyone else.
Enough with the cons of masturbation. Right now, I want to go over a system of growth and communication that has been used by NFP-using couples, people going through hardships, and anyone seeking to better care for others or themselves: SPICE.
SPICE is an acronym for:
Spiritual
Physical
Intellectual
Communicative
Emotional
Let’s go over these points and see how they can be used to better your self-image, feeling of worth, and feeling of self-love. (Note: I offer this advice to anyone and everyone: whether you don’t masturbate, you do and don’t care, or if you do and are struggling to stop. Authentic care of self is so important, and everyone should know how to approach it properly!)
Spiritual
Obviously as a Catholic blog, I and the other admins would agree to recommend an active faith and prayer life to center yourself spiritually.
This doesn’t mean participating in five different church groups or even going to Mass everyday (though you may be interested in similar things!). It could easily mean praying while doing the dishes, telling God about your worries and fears while driving to school or work, or simply sitting in silence in the shower as you sit before God and His Love.
Always, ALWAYS, remind yourself of God’s love for you, even when you don’t believe it. Remind yourself of your blessings, humbly uplift your sorrows to Him, and allow God to center your life.
If you are of another faith tradition or of no faith at all, I still recommend the above, haha. But if you can do similar things with your own spiritual practices, then by all means: truly implement them.
When we nourish our souls, we nourish our very being.
Physical
Caring for our bodies is so very important. However, people seem to have a distorted idea of what it means to be healthy or to work towards health. Having a healthy body doesn’t mean starving ourselves with a fad diet, or exercising a routine 3-5 times a week.
Caring for yourself physically can easily mean enjoying a brisk walk outside in the morning or evening, of learning to say no to occasional junk foods, and saying yes to learning delicious ways to cook healthy meals. Don’t count calories consumed or burned, don’t fret over your weight: practice some simple healthy habits and know that you are doing your best.
When we care for our bodies physically, we learn to listen to it and its needs, making us more self-aware and sensitive to our own needs. It may take a while to “accomplish”, but in the end accepting and caring for our bodies can encourage us to appreciate our physical selves.
And beyond diet or exercise, some may enjoy trying out and wearing make up, or relaxing with a massage or hot bath. Our need to relax and unwind is just as important. It tells us that we deserve a break for our work, and in turn we learn to value what we give to ourselves and to others through our actions.
Just like our souls, our bodies need nourishment too, however you go about it!
Intellectual
We’ve talked souls and bodies, now onto our minds! Human beings are inquisitive, creative, and intellectual creatures. We are designed with brains that need proper stimulation, though that stimulation may look different for everyone.
Do you enjoy puzzles? What kind? Do they involve numbers? Riddles? Or do you like visually stimulating puzzles? We can train our minds to think through problems, giving us confidence in our intelligence and mental capacities.
Also seek out activities that teach you something new, or give you satisfaction in doing. Perhaps you enjoy video games, or you’ve been wanting to learn how to paint. Even if you’re no good at it, trying out a new hobby or doing one you already like allows us to enjoy ourselves while giving our brains a “work out”.
Learn a new language, read that book you’ve been dying to read, whatever it is: do it! Your mind will thank you later when you both challenge and enjoy your thinking abilities.
Communicative
Humans are social beings, whether they are extroverted or not. The amount of stimulation from social interactions will vary, but our need for them are rooted in our desire to connect with other people. And not just anyone: but people who lift us up, value us, and truly enjoy being in our presence.
Reach out to someone with a quick text to meet up and have a coffee. Set up a date once a month to hang with family or friends in a casual setting. Treat you and your significant other to a nice night out. Do anything that allows you to communicate with others in loving ways.
(Also, I would like to note that this point in SPICE can be used to cut out toxic communicating habits or even people. If you notice that something or someone is not dignifying or respecting you as a person, then cut them out.)
Just as important as outside communication, we should improve how we communicate with ourselves as well. Do you constantly put yourself down? Are you always cringing when you look in the mirror? Use this as a time to turn this around. Write in a journal, and ONLY list good traits about yourself. List the nice things you did for someone else today. Talk about how happy you were when you had a productive day. On bad days, talk about your emotions and be honest with yourself, without having to drag yourself down.
Sometimes, we have a mental illness that prevents us from truly loving ourselves through communication. If this is the case, seek ways to manage this. Communicate with a counselor or therapist, or even a trusted family member or friend. Seek out communities that can sympathize with you and lift you up.
What we say and how we say it can impact others and ourselves. Hopefully, you will learn to communicate in a way that gives you and others a sense of respect.
Emotional
We are emotional beings. Some are more sensitive or introspective than others, and men and women have unique ways of processing what they feel. Women know immediately what they are feeling and why (typically), and men need time to figure out what they feel, and what is causing them to experience that emotion (again, typically).
If women’s emotions are disregarded as “hormonal” or “all in their head”, they will hesitate to speak up again; likewise, if a man is pressured to “get over” his need to process this logically, he will likely never process anything and nothing will happen. Not only should we seek to respect other’s emotions, but also our own.
Man or woman, young or old, it is very important to acknowledge and handle our emotions in healthy, productive ways. Sometimes, we have to know when to take a break and allow ourselves to burn out anything negative we experience.
To not allow our emotions to overrun us, we have to take “time outs” and vent/process them in healthy ways. Journaling is popular for this, as is meditation/prayer, expressing yourself through art, taking time off of social media, or even talking it out with someone you trust. Perhaps it means handing over a stressful job onto someone else if you feel it is overwhelming, and giving yourself time to “decompress” every day if it’s something you must do.
Use SPICE to give love and care for yourself
Through these points, I hope you have a better idea of how to implement true self-care and self-love. This is just the tip of the ice berg, so I encourage you to look into it more outside of this post.
Good luck!
-PSOSA
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Hi! Thank you for doing this blog, it's incredibly helpful!
Do you have any good sources for non-theological Catholic marriage advice?
Less "Here are all the questions you were too afraid to ask about sex and theology" and more "Here is some practical everyday advice rooted in a Catholic understanding of marriage that you might not have figured out otherwise."
We've got the theology down, and we're good at talking things out, but some sources of practical advice beyond "Love each other :)" would be very helpful
Hello! Sorry I got to this one late. I'm actually not much of a non-fiction reader in my free time, so I'm woefully inept at recommending resources for these sort of things.
If any of my followers have suggestions, please share them here.
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I know prenups are not usually a thing in Catholic marriages but I was wondering if there are exceptions. In the case of needing a civil divorce while still acknowledging the marriage does still exist, I don’t want what is essentially the states prenup to determine the state of my finances. Additionally I have money designated for other family members that I don’t want anyone I marry to have access too (money for housing and healthcare when their legal guardians pass away). This is the one thing holding me back from marriage I saw my friend live her destroyed when her husband divorced her for a younger women and he ended up with a good chunk of the money she came into the marriage with. I don’t want that.
This is unfortunately beyond my realm of knowledge. I suspect that most prenups are not allowed because they would undermine the vows of marriage (the promise of your entire self to another person) by adding conditions, thereby rendering the marriage invalid. It's essentially saying, "I vow to become one with you until death...but if it doesn't work out, here's my conditions: ...."
There might be some exceptions, like if one or both spouses have children from a previous marriage and want to settle inheritance issues with a pre-nup to prevent future confusion. That would not violate vows since it isn't hedging against a future divorce.
If you have money that you would like to save for certain family members, a pre-nup might be considered acceptable for the same reasons as the above example. If not, you can enter it into a trust (essentially a third-party institution acts as legal guardian of the funds, paying out to the beneficiaries at the appointed age/date/etc).
At the end of the day, if you do not wholly trust your future spouse not to (maybe, someday, potentially) ruin you financially in twenty years, then you should not marry them.
#ask#that's why marriage as a vocation is so intimidating#like the level of trust it takes to commit yourself for LIFE to another person!! is a lot!! thats why the Church takes it so seriously#marriage#pre-nup#divorce
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Hi, fellow Catholic!
I love your blog. What's your position on gay conversion therapy?
Personally, I'm opposed to it and the "pray the gay away" mentality in general.
I do not know anything about what "gay conversion therapy" actually entails, but I highly suspect that trying to "pray away the gay" instead of embracing it as one of many possible crosses a Christian might bear is a morally dubious concept.
One should of course seek resolution to do God's will through prayer. But God does not necessarily respond by taking away all temptations we face.
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How should one go about bringing up a history of masturbation with one's boyfriend? I tried to bring it up, but I was kinda beating around the bush, and during that he figured out that I was trying to reveal some sort of past transgression, and he basically said "I'm not your confessor, if it's in the past, I don't want to know it." But like, he also has said that he would want to know if I wasn't a virgin, which I am, but this is obviously in the same genre. Do I take him directly at his word and not bring it up again because he's said he doesn't care, or do I have to explicitly make sure that he realizes the genre of sin it is before he writes it off? It is a history not a present, fwiw, I don't struggle with it anymore.
Hello there!
I think first you need ask your boyfriend for clarification regarding his intentions. When he says, "I don't want to know," is that his gentle way of saying, "You don't need to feel any obligation to tell me about a part of your life that you've put behind you", or is he actually refusing to be informed about your past?
If the latter, I would question him on why, as his reasoning might be concerning. Does he not want his pure image of you "wrecked"? Is it to avoid potential conflict?
Regardless of his reasoning, I would advise against ignoring the topic. It is wonderful that you have conquered this struggle and put the temptation behind you! However, being open about your past struggles with sexuality is important to a strong relationship; firstly, because a future spouse (and current partner for that matter) needs to understand your history of temptations and sins in order to better support healthy expressions of your sexuality; and secondly, it's practice.
To have a healthy marriage, spouses have to be open and comfortable with discussing sex. That ideally starts before you are married. It's often treated as a rather taboo subject in religious circles, so breaching the topic can be highly uncomfortable at first - especially when it's something intensely personal like past sexual experiences and struggles. It's an exercise of trust. A marriage without the ability to speak frankly of sex and how it affects you both is off to a rocky start.
In conclusion, I would bring the subject back up to your boyfriend. Obtain clarification on what he meant previously, be clear that the past struggles are of a sexual nature, and explain that you think it's important that y'all are able to discuss the topic if you are to build trust and will the other's good in marriage.
#obviously you don't need to have this conversation immediately in a relationship but y'know... if it's been serious for awhile#speaking as someone who had a past struggle with masturbation that seemed no longer relevant when I met my husband: its def relevant lol#namely that overcoming that is allowed me to develop and ironclad will in navigating physical boundaries#AND it helped me empathize and support my husband (then bf) when he was actively struggling with it#ask#dating
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Please tackle martial debt next
I'm waging war in France and the bills are starting to pile up and I'm so lost
okay Anon I'll give you at least one funny point for that one
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I see so many well intentioned women talking about how modesty is important when it comes to men's objectification of them. Like, they will condemn men's lust, but say, "but we have to do our part too." I just need you guys to understand that there is literally no amount of clothing you can wear to keep men from sexualizing you. It sucks, but it's true.
I dress very modestly by the typical conservative Christian standard... Loose clothing, long dresses/skirts, nothing low cut, etc. Usually the only skin I expose is my forearms, neck, and face... But I am not exempt from being sexualized. I can't tell you how many times I've heard stuff like, "it's so nice when women leave things up to the imagination" and "I love your librarian/teacher vibe, it's so sexy." Men sexualize nuns and muslim women, who are completely covered. No woman is exempt from this.
Why is this important? So you can stop blaming yourself for men treating you like sexual potential instead of a person and hold men accountable for their own willful inability to control themselves.
To the Christian women, you are not responsible for men choosing to lust after you. Lust is a choice. I am same-sex attracted, and when I find myself attracted to a woman, I simply choose not to fantasize and lust after her. Men are capable of the same, they just like to shift blame.
As a Christian, I dress modestly as an act of humility more than anything else, but I know there is nothing I can do to control the sinful actions of men. Please stop blaming yourselves.
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I will probably get to all of these in due time, but I'm trying to gauge what my followers would most like to see me talk about/share my thoughts on.
Feel free to comment ideas/suggestions on this post as well!
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your blog has been very helpful for me. I wonder if I could get your thoughts on something?
I’m getting married soon, and I’ve had to come to terms with incredible shame I feel about feeling any level of sexual desire. I think it has something to do with the impact of purity culture on an individual (myself) who, for other reasons, already feels ashamed for having emotional and physical needs for comfort, friendship, time alone, and other nonsexual-but-emotionally-fulfilling things. I can view those other things as logically wholesome, but I still can’t bring myself to embrace the idea of sex as something that can be wholesome or “morally pure.”
Is there anything you could share to help ease shame for wanting some level of fulfillment in this area? Any theological insights about the fact that God wired us with a sex drive? This is something I will be discussing with my therapist and my fiancé as well, but I would love to hear your thoughts, and I will welcome any advice or feedback bc I don’t want this to harm our eventual marriage ;-;
Honestly, since you specifically asked about insight about God wiring us with a sex drive, I think it might be therapeutic for you to read the Song of Songs (also sometimes called the Song of Solomon, the 26th book of the Old Testament).
It's a dialogue between a married couple, who are singing an ode to their shared love for one another. It's beautiful, and makes not-so-subtle references to delighting in one another sexually. And it's Holy Scripture! It's short and approachable; I think you might find it helpful to meditate on. (If you want to go the extra mile, find a reputable podcast or lecture breaking down the layered allegories - would add to your reading experience).
Additionally, I would recommend reading Karol Wojtyla (JPII)'s Love and Responsibility. It so lovingly articulates the innate spiritual beauty of human sexuality and how it reflects God's love for us. His explanation of sexual love as "delighting in one another" has always stuck with me and made me view marital love in a different light. It would be a great book to read alongside your fiancé. The book is short and quite approachable.
Definitely encouraging you to talk about it with your fiancé! Both I and my husband found that the more we talked openly about our sexuality, the easier it became to accept it as a fundamental part of ourselves.
Praying for you and your upcoming nuptials! Please feel free to reach out whenever. Sex can feel really intimidating when you first get married; I'm happy to offer suggestions for slowly getting use to it.
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Do you agree with this statement: any sexual act not done out of benevolence is a severe sin, even if its consensual and even within marriage
Ie a person just using even their monogamous spouse to just relieve urges or out of their egoism ("I'm so good at this"/taking pride in their "techniques") is sinful
Tricky question. At face value, yes, any action done with malevolent intentions is tainted with sin. The problem is whether you correctly understand when an intent is malevolent.
It's perfectly acceptable for spouses to have marital relations just because they want to fulfill a physical urge. As long as both spouses are attending to the others' physical and emotional needs, and it is not degrading in nature (e.g. choking fetish), it's fine.
Taking too much pride in their "sexual prowess" is probably a different question altogether. A spouse can be too prideful while still being benevolent.
#ask#basically: don't objectify your spouse#it's alright if you just want sex for physical reasons and not emotional but you should always be respectful of your spouse's personhood
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"That sounds pretty irrelevant for a future spouse to know." Ok but if they do not know about everything I believe is this not dishonesty/entrapment? When you sign a contract you read the whole thing. When you pledge marriage to someone and do so freely you have to accept it. The Bible considers it entrapment and sinful if a girl who fornicated/committed adultery prior to marriage claims she's a virgin (Deut 22), the same should also apply to men, and the same should apply to ideologies should it not? I don't know anymore...
You are overthinking this.
Knowing your spouse's sexual history is extremely relevant for a potential marriage, so purposefully excluding that information is deceitful.
By your logic, if I didn't tell my husband before the wedding about that one time I was five and got stung by a bee, it's entrapment and our marriage is a sham. "But that's irrelevant," you might say. And yes, that is my point: you do not need to know every single detail about someone's history, beliefs, dreams, and favorite flavor of ice cream in order for a marriage to be honest and freely consenting.
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So let’s rip off the band aid
Trans Marriage
but given how Walsh has said about it, is suspect it is very fuck sinful in the eyes of the chruch
Catholicism does not recognize the modern conception of gender identify as separate/distinct from biological sex. In the eyes of the Church, someone with gender dysphoria cannot have a valid marriage with someone of their same birth sex.
#idk who Walsh is and i suspect this is a troll/pot stir question but i'll answer anyways#ask#transgenderism#catholic
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Hello there,
My sister has already made steps to move in with her boyfriend, and is planning on doing so next month. I've already shared with her boyfriend why I think it's a bad idea and why I'm morally opposed to it, and by extension, why my parents would be as well. She hasn't told my parents yet, and given that we're a very religious family, I don't think it will go over well. Please pray for my parents and I, that we may be charitable, speak the truth in love, but also that we might not lose my sister and drive her further away from the truth or us. And please pray for my sister, for whatever she might need.
Any advice would also be appreciated. Thank you.
If you have already respectfully explained to them why you think it is a bad idea, talking about it further will just lead to a fractured relationship. I think it would be more beneficial to acknowledge their choice but otherwise refrain from further comments unless highly appropriate (e.g. they bring it up and/or specifically ask for your input).
Having witnessed other families struggling with this situation, it seems to me that quietly maintaining a good relationship with the couple is the most helpful long term, as it allows you to remain an overall positive influence in their lives. I have a friend whose brother has distanced himself from family over his relationship choices; he confessed that she's the only one he stays in meaningful contact with because she doesn't keep arguing with him about it.
Sometimes the best we can do for those we love is be a consistent source of support, despite their questionable choices.
I will of course be praying for your whole family. God bless!
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What about hetero asexual relationships that don't plan on having any children? Is that marriage sinful?
It's a bit complicated.
There are such things as "Josephite Marriages", which is a marriage involving two celibate individuals (reflecting the nature of Mary and Joseph's marriage).
However, they are quite rare. The Church requires extensive spiritual counseling of the couple beforehand, as it is effectively a joint solemn vow of celibacy that should not be taken lightly.
Normally, the vocation of marriage is about assisting in each other's holiness via the marriage bed; a Josephite marriage assists in each other's holiness by sacrificing the marriage bed. Both are sacramental marriages, but perhaps one is the "ordinary form", and the other an "extraordinary form". They produce holiness by different fruits.
An asexual hetero couple could theoretically enter a Josephite marriage with the blessing of the Church. But it is something they'd need to discuss with their priest and diocese first; I don't think you can just have a regular Catholic wedding with a secretly private intention of celibacy (as I'd imagine that would contradict the ordinary vows and thus be sinful). Additionally, the couple needs to be entering such a union under the sincere belief that it will aid them in holiness more than an ordinary union or more traditional celibacy (i.e. consecrated or religious life).
Of course, in the end, it's really going to depend on the individual couple and what their spiritual advisor(s) recommend.
Hope this explains it!
#iirc sometimes older couples who've already had children will quietly commit to celibacy with the official blessing of their priest#not sure that's the same as a Josephite marriage that has been celibate from the beginning#ask#josephite marriage#asexuality
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