i need an intentional love. i need these roots to deepen.

he says he loves me. but.

in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way in what way

im still on his couch i am still on his couch i am here right now i am still here will i ever get the strength to leave will he ever get the balls to do what’s right? i am still on his couch i am still fucking here

this is more than i thought i would have to endure. this is cruel.

every time i try to disappear, he calls me back. every time i try to do what’s best for myself, he calls me back. i realize now it has never been for love, but an attempt to appease his own selfishness. its a call he knows i cannot escape. i finally see it for what it really is. selfish. i have been trying to become invisible to him since the night i walked into that apartment 774 days ago. i have known this whole time we could go up in flames and i would end up charred and peeling. skin bubbled and blistered. i knew this whole time. i knew. i knew. maybe he will cry when i am gone. maybe he will understand the pain he’s caused for years now. the pain i let him inflict. maybe he will feel it too.

he may try to call me back yet again. and i will try my damnedest to ignore his selfishness ringing in my ears.

i knew. i knew. i knew better.

-chase elliot, “unless you leave”

manifestation #11: these two years will turn into 20 which will turn into 40 which will turn into the rest of our lives.

the night i walked into that apartment, i knew my life had changed. before i even looked into your eyes. patience. longevity.

2.4.22 the day my world was tipped upside down. the day i landed on your couch.

waiting for him is like waiting for the drought to end. (the drought in the hilary duff cinderella story of course).

ill wait for you to call by nicole dollanganger

i will wait my whole life. hopefully it doesn’t take that long.

if i don’t capitalize the first letter of your name, it’s bc you are not a proper noun. you are a bitch. xoxo

i held him in my mouth. i don’t know how much time i have. this ache sits at the bottom of my stomach and spins into a fear i am not ready to face. i took a break from morality. stomped on the boundaries i set. my twisted pleasure doubles as agonizing pain.

maybe that was the wrong choice, but i don’t know how much time i have with him.

i was scared i wouldnt be able to move on and forget his face. his warmth. his hands. his love. his everything. but i was also scared to lose him. scared if i moved on he would cease to live inside me. i realized i will hold on forever. and even though i am able to walk away. i do not want to. i will love him forever. i will try to keep every piece of him, every memory, even if he leaves.

i tried to disappear from his life. i wanted to. i mourned him and what we could have been. i cried as i watched him reach out to me, only making it to my fingertips. never fully touching. i didn’t see the possibility of him stretching a little further. i need handfuls of his love. handfuls of him. i need him to never let me go.

when i disappeared. he called me back. it only took 3 days of silence. he called me back. he still only grazes my fingertips, but he called me back. which is how i know he will never let me go. he will call me back. he will stretch. i will get handfuls of him.

i am in purgatory and i am drowning. he is holding my head under water.

I don’t like it. but it’s familiar.