Space Void with Moon Phases Eyes 🌒 🌓 🌔 🌕 🌖 🌗 🌘

The seconds are ticking. The annoying click, tick tock. Staring into space, Nothingness. Worthless. I am. Easily replaced. Repressed. Depressed. Forgotten. Where was I? Blinking, sinking deeper, darker. Can I drown yet? Forget? Admit. Why won't it stop? Click tock. Wait, no, tick tock. Screaming, steaming, boiling alive. The sounds. The sobs. Tears to fears. Then the gears of fate. Gears turning, grinding. Binding twisted thinking. God damn the seconds ticking, click tick tock. Please make it stop.

Click.

Guess what, I love Halloween season

What was the moment(s) that broke you? What made your heart stop yet beat so painfully hard? Is it etched into your soul like a photo frozen in time too? Are you okay?

Healing can mean revisiting what shattered your soul into millions of pieces in the first place. Sometimes it unbelievably unbearable, but I'm proud of you for trying. I'm proud of you for taking those steps. How can I say that to someone I might not even know? Because I've experienced similar pain, and know what it's like to do it alone; crawling out of the pain we so customarily sit in. You are so freaking strong. I'm so proud <3 I'm rooting for you!

when u wanna talk to someone but u don’t wanna be……..too much

Sigh.

I am standing on unstable ground that is crumbling at my feet. While I watch the flames and feel the heat, i wish for a different burn. I am losing a never ending battle it seems, and I just want it to stop. Deep breathes are failing, tears are falling, but I keep facing forward. Crawling with bloodied finger tips, I will escape or die. Either is okay to me.

Learning it's okay to be me is a painful experience. Learning to love myself, honestly feels impossible most days and right now it's a freaking challenge. I saw myself in the mirror for the first time in a long time, and I just cried. I've lost weight but I have a long way to go. It's a matter of being patient with myself, I know but how the heck am I to love this disgusting state I put myself into??? I'm so freaking gross haha

I feel stupid venting my frustrations, but I'm slowly loathing being alive because I feel like I have no one to talk to and I'm trapped. My problems feel so trivial compared to others, and honestly it just feels pointless to tell people how much I dislike something, someone, or whatever. Or how whatever feels like it's too challenging, or my fears of my current career path, etc. It feels like a lot of complaining. I honestly want to talk it out with someone, but it feels like everyone is either fluffing me up with "You got this," "You can do it," or not even paying attention. Or better yet, and what I get, people tell me how I am wrong with what I'm doing and should do it this way, without proof or against facts I already stated. I feel like I am just exisiting, and I'd really rather not just be. Haha guess that's why I type crap out here to random strangers on the internet. 😅

I feel lost, and like I'm just chugging down paths I don't even want to do because I "should" do it. I feel like it's me against the world more so because so many others are feeling the same more and more everyday. I'm lonely and hurting from healing. Frick this crap is hard.

I'm trying though. Universe willing, I'll get what I want eventually. I'm good enough, I just have to be able to accept me first.

2 weeks in a row I managed to get over 12k steps. It's taken me a while but yay!

Visited Fort Worth recently and have a plan for the Grand Canyon set for November (booked and everything). Weeeeee!

How did I do on my Goals?

★ Complete Tarot Deck design ~~Failed; just sort of gave up because I wanted to work on other art projects instead~~

★ Get as close to 160lbs (70kg) as possible in a healthy way ~~Got to 190 from 215 lbs so I say win! ~~

★ Average 12k steps a day min. ~~Got to 10.5k~~

★ Continue to change diet for better health ~~ongoing~~

★ 5k in savings ~~ongoing~~

★ Continue to take care and heal mental health wise ~~small victories are still victories, healing is healing~~

★ Continue to learn to love myself and grow ~~currently fighting the battle of not being enough, but I know I'm pretty fabulous~~

★ See the more of the planet than the spec I was raised near ~~Visited Dallas, New Orleans, and Mephis recently! Win!~~

Here's to 2022! Where my focus is just on me and continuous growth and healing. I'm both terrified and excited.

Today is my last full day visiting my bonus family and where they live. The closure I hope I needed has been claimed. And the growing and healing process continues. Plans are in motion, goals are still being set and achieved. The next few years are going to be a ride, and I'm glad I'm here for it.

🌷

here to remind you...

...that it'll get better.

it may take some time but you'll get through this.

you've faced challenges in the past and whatever the outcome may have been, you were able to move past them. you can do it again.

keep going on. keep believing in yourself ✨

How to love someone who has bpd ?(Bordeline personality disorder )

What is borderline personality disorder ? BPD is a disorder which affects mood and also relationships *(how a person interacts with people ) The first thing you need to know when loving someone with BPD is to learn about the disorder by reading up articles with BPD and communities that talk about BPD such as forms , chat sessions ect . Another thing you should know is that BPD are not crazy people . People with BPD are terrified of abandonment which they look for reassurance that people won’t leave them and they need to know , (patience is the key when they ask the question of if your leaving and answer honestly as someone with bpd needs reassurance that their not going to be abandoned . To love someone with bpd you need to : •Have patience •understanding about BPD •understanding of feelings •reassurance •someone to talk to when they feel negatively . •to love them for who they are •that the illness can make them hate someone then love someone . •reconize Thinngs you can do for someone with bpd : • Be sympathetic • try to distract them when a emotion arises • try to talk about other topics other than bpd *validate that they’ve been heard •Encourage self care People with BPD usually get dissasociated which means that they can become detached from surroundings and emotionally /physically which is different from the lost of reality which isn’t bpd but physiosis. Some symptoms of BPD: -fear of abandonment -unstable mood swings - risky behaviour - unsafe sex , drugs ect -self destructive behaviours - relationship instability People with BPD usually experience negative some of the listed feelings like : •Emptyness or/and loneliness (long term feeling ) -Angry -Shame -anxiety -paranoia People with BPD usually find it difficult making goals and long term plans, self image as they may have sudden changes in opinion . Resources that may be helpful : •https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/ •National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) •http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Borderline-personality-disorder/Pages/Symptoms.aspx •https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml •7 cups of tea has a section about bpd in the forms and sometimes hosts chat sessions about bpd and other mental disorders/illnesses

Goals left for 2021: ★ Complete Tarot Deck design ★ Get as close to 160lbs (70kg) as possible in a healthy way ★ Average 12k steps a day min. ★ Continue to change diet for better health ★ Continue to take care and heal mental health wise ★ 5k in savings ★ Continue to learn to love myself and grow ★ See the more of the planet than the spec I was raised near The beginning of 2021 was rough, so I'm determined to make it end better.