Biar, rasa ini selesai

aku bukanlah sosok istimewa yang sekiranya berharga untuk diperjuangkan. aku bukan permata indah yang rupawan dipandang, membuat orang yang melihatnya terpaku bisu. aku juga bukan seorang bijak yang kata-katanya penuh ilmu dan manfaat.

aku pernah ditinggalkan, dibiarkan berlalu, atau bahkan tak dipandang. yang mungkin kesemuanya menjadi trauma masa lalu dan ikut andil membentuk diri ku saat ini.

dan melihatmu, mengagumi mu, adalah hal yang di luar biasa ku. menjadikanku tak percaya diri bahwa kamu juga mengagumi ku. membuatku berusaha untuk menjauhi mu, karena khawatir nantinya akan jatuh lagi.

tetapi, entah ada saja hal yang membuatmu menyapaku. entah memang hanya aku yang kau sapa dan yang kau usahakan untuk menyapa, ataukah memang ada juga wanita lain yang kau sapa. entah dimana posisi ku aku tak mengerti.

berujung pada barisan doa ku di akhir sholat istikhoroh. sesederhana mencintaimu, adalah hal yang ku takuti dan ujungnya menghantui. maka ku sebutkan nama itu untuk menyerahkan padanya, apakah aku boleh meneruskan rasa ini atau biar rasa ini selesai

sebab pandanganku yang tak pantas mendapatkanmu, berujung memberi sedih dan membawa trauma-trauma itu kembali. jadi, biarlah rasa ini selesai jika memang tak dikehendakiNya.

"Menikah Bukan Untuk Bercerai"

harapan terbesar di 2024, melihatnya duduk anggun di pelaminan dengan lelaki tepat yang betul mencintainya.

Jika ditelisiki lebih dalam, ada beban perasaan dan beban emosi yang ditanggungnya sejauh ini. tentunya dengan gejolak perjalanan hidupnya yang tak biasa, membuatnya tidak seperti wanita pada umumnya, di mata umi dan abi.

bukannya tak ingin mendukung harapan mereka yang ingin ia secepatnya menikah. hanya saja, menikah tak semudah itu. dan dia bukan wanita berstandar rendah yang hanya menikah karena alasan-alasan sepele. ia belum menemukan dirinya sendiri, dan mungkin itu yang saat ini sedang ia kejar. dan di pandangan ku, mungkin sepertinya sudah sebentar lagi. akan lebih baik jika ia membenahi dirinya dahulu baru bersanding dengan pria lain. ya, tapi apa boleh buat, umi dan abi belum melihat hingga sejauh itu.

aku mulai menyadarinya ketika di tahun lalu, ia mulai membiasakan diri untuk ikut qiyamul lail di 10 malam terakhir. mulai membuka diri untuk bertegur sapa dengan saudara-saudara jauh, meski hanya sebentar. mengontrol egonya yang bahkan untuk dirinya sendiri pun sulit. hingga mulai mengikuti kajian yang menurutku menjadi salah satu langkah untuk kualitas dirinya ke depan. beberapa momen juga menyadarkan ku ternyata justru emosiku yang jauh tidak stabil dibanding emosinya. meskipun di mata umi dan abi ia masih menjadi wanita yang sulit.

hingga pada suatu waktu, aku tertegun ketika ia terpaksa mencurahkan segala uneg2 dan bebannya, hingga terbesit kalimat "menikah bukan untuk bercerai". dengan segala pemikirannya yang memang tak sesimpel pemikiran umi dan abi. aku tak berada di pihak salah satunya. karena jika berada di pihak orang tua, aku tak tahan mendengar kalimat-kalimat yang menyalahkannya, meski tentu ada rasa kecewa karena tak sesuai harapan mereka. jika berada di pihaknya, sebetulnya aku senang melihatnya bahagia sendiri, mulai menikmati hidupnya yang mungkin dulu pernah hancur, namun aku juga ingin ia ditemani oleh teman sehidup sematinya, dengan bahagia yang sama, atau bahkan lebih.

satu langkah yang sudah pasti, ia sudah mulai bisa membuka diri. menyusun kerangka hidupnya yang kini dan akan datang, dan mulai mengiyakan juga membolehkan untuk dicarikan. Ya, semoga saja ia mendapat yang terbaik

Ditemani oleh Tulisan

kadang dalam sepi, terasa sunyi dan hawa terasa sedih. melihat orang lain yang mungkin lebih bahagia dengan dukungan teman-temannya yang selalu setia. namun apa boleh buat, jika diri sendiri belum memiliki yang demikian itu. entah karena watak pribadi atau memang belum menemukan. ah mungkin hanya overthinking saja. pikiran-pikiran seperti itu sering muncul di kala sendiri namun iri ketika melihat orang lain dengan dukungan teman-temannya. tetiba mengutuki diri dengan emosi yang tidak stabil dan berkepribadian yang tidak biasa. namun lupa, bahwa sejatinya dialah orang yang beruntung. yang memiliki banyak dukungan dan kasih sayang dari orang-orang terdekatnya. namun hanya karena sendiri sejenak, ia jadi lupa untuk bersyukur..

maka, tulisan ini yang akan sementara menemani kesepiannya, sebelum akhirnya ia sadar bahwa dunianya adalah yang terbaik dan lebih baik dari apa yang ia pikirkan saat sendiri

Palestine Will be Free

Maybe we just saw it on instagram, x, fb, and the others, but we cant hold our tears fall down. But if we can imagine how they who are still in there and watch every single tragedy, hear every sound of bomb and gunshot directly, see their family passed away in front of their eyes, see their house were bombed, see their friend, child, baby, spouse, relative, and many other people that their love so much were passed away. can you imagine how sad they are and if we can compared it with our sadness maybe just only 1% or less that we feel. but, they still try to make a smile instead of crying.

their whole land was almost razed to the ground. all of the buildings, school, and even hospital have been destroyed. but they are still want to stay in their land. their homeland. and protect it.

I just cant imagine if that tragedy happen to me.

But, the most amazing thing that I always admire them is their strong Iman, their strong beliefs with Allah's help. Because Allah swt has promise that He will give a victory to the muslim there. and now, as the beginning of the victory is the support from people all around the world. They aren't blind to see the truth. a normal people who have humanity know to whom they will support. its just the beginning. yet the leaders of those nations still be quiet and only a few of them who take an action.

We just have to wait. for the next Allah's help will come. I'm really sure we can win this war. Allah swt will send their soldiers to help us and give a victory to muslim. until that time, we wont stop to always pray, donate, spread the true condition and fight the propaganda.

May Allah swt keep us istiqomah through this way

Attack Them Back!

These tears always come down onto the cheeks everytime I read and see about the suffered palest1nians. Like so confusing about what else that I can do except pray and donate? Like my head so heavy to think all of this and just want to tell the leaders of all nations that we have to act! we have to confront! fight against them! we can't just be quiet here, we need the action, and they need our help. They wont stop except we attack them back. The freedom of Palest1ne always could be achieved by help from the external power. Because they just can defend. And it is our duty to free them. Our mandatory to help them from the external. Because as we can see, demonstration couldn't change the situation. Even all of the nations that doing that. They still wont stop to attacking Palest1ne. Because they just some insane ppl! I think we have to start a war. Diplomatic approach can't be done anymore

The Wound

Its truly hurt, yet I haven't forget it. The wound is clear to be seen, as his bad behaviour to me.

The trauma wont go as the hole that he made too deep. Whenever I think that I've forgotten it, somehow it comes again and makes me throwback all of it.

Some people say that because I haven't found another man yet. So the wound wont be closed perfectly. One day, when you've found him, it will bring you much happines until you dont remember that you've ever had a wound.

But until this day, I haven't found him yet I dont know who will be. It's like a trauma that makes me afraid to start all of it again.

By now, I just let Allah swt works. Let Him creates my destiny, with beautiful timing and beautiful moment. Whenever it is, and whoever he is. Just believe, He would.

Just be Myself, Love Myself

when I tried to be myself. to be a really me. everything I need came by itself. I dont have to try harder to become someone that everyone likes. its too exhausting to force myself become another person and do what they do or like, just in order to make them love me. so I didnt take much energies to get what I need when I've tried to be myself. just be myself.

when I tried to love myself first, everyone can love me easily. love my goodness and accept my flaws. I can feel their love easily than before. talking to them without feeling worry they will judge me. so I can love them back withkut worry I'll miss myself

so I've been trying to be myself, love myself. and still.

"untuk apa kamu mencintai sosok laki-laki yang tak cinta dengan Tuhan Nya"

Allah pasti kasih yang terbaik..

hey, dont cry too much okay? you are still the best for me:) eventhough you dont have any friends to chat, to laugh, to share your stories, to get compliment and support you, but remember you have me, you have Allah. you've done your best. you are on the right way. you are stronger than you think, with Allah by your side. Allah is enough for you. this dunya never feel enough to make you happy. but Allah, and just Allah, who has everything in this world, is really enough for you. dont be sad anymore, girl.. the ease will come true, and the happy is waiting for you

فَاِ نَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا 

اِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا 

Lucky

You think that you are the saddest person in the world. cause you just look above yourself. try to look under yourself. you'll find them cry louder than you. But they still try to smile. You are more lucky than them. You should feeling grateful about it..

Ujian

kita semua tahu, bahwa kesibukan itu adalah ujian. bagaimana kita bisa tetap memprioritaskan Allah swt dalam sibuknya aktivitas kita

namun, kesendirian dan kelonggaran juga merupakan ujian. bagaimana kita tetap memilih mengerjakan hal yang bermanfaat dan terus mengingat Allah, daripada mengerjakan hal yang sia-sia dan sifatnya hanya untuk kesenangan semata

You are you

Okay, calm down yourself. you are you. she is her. you are not her. She can do that thing not means you must to do it too. She has a lot of strengths. And dont forget, you have them too. But your type is different. you are good, nice, brave, and care to others. You are good enough for you and for people around you. Never comparing yourself to another, because every human is created with different skills. Every human is special, including you. And this is your time to upgrade yourself based on everything you wanna reach and you like, not based on them

Jalan Dakwah

aku mulai ragu, dan takut. ketika sendirian berada di jalan dakwah. awalnya tidak tahu kenapa. tapi ternyata alasannya, karena sendirian. seolah tak punya teman untuk memerjuangkan kebaikan. dan takut ketika sisi yang seberang menghina, menolak, menyalahkan. dan aku pun ragu dengan kebenaran yang ku anut.

mungkin parahnya, hingga aku memutuskan untuk berbalik arah dan memutar. hanya untuk mendapatkan teman dan dukungan. meski nilai-nilainya tak sejalan.

dan karena itu aku baru menyadarinya. itulah sebabnya teman seperjuangan, sejalan, searah, dan sedakwah sangat penting untuk berjalan di atas jalan ini.

untuk saling menguatkan. saling mendukung. dan tetap meyakinkan bahwa kebenaran harus tetap ada pada tempatnya, meskipun pahit yg dirasa. tak apa pahit, yang penting bersama-sama. bersama2 di jalan dakwah ini

Afraid, Again, and Again

I faced it again. Like all of my anxieties come again, afraid, scared, so anxious. Like I was myself in 1-2 years ago. Afraid about their expectations to me, afraid about their judgements to me, afraid about all they think about me, and will come true to me, And afraid if I make a mistake in this position.

With that situation, I just realized, that I haven't changed from my old me. I just leave them behind, hiding in my new self, that truly not myself. and then great them again with a big fear. Like, Hello, we were you in your past, you haven't say goodbye to us, to your anxiousness. and we meet again today.

Like waw I realized I haven't changed. And know how could I face them??

but then, I hear another sound from my mind. It says, okay, this is just a test, to test you if you have changed, and makes you sure that you have to change now, you have to upgrade yourself, you have had much experience and learned much values. now is your time, your turn to apply all you have know about them to your condition you have to face. right? can you trust yourself? yes you must. and can you promise me that you will not fall into the same hole again? and yes you must.

now, listen, you are right. you are yourself, not them. you have some good values. you have much reasons. you are right. all you have done are right. someday they can blame you about something, but two things that you must remember. first, you've done your best, and you are right. second, they dont know you and they aren't allowed to make you sad, and if you are wrong, just ask apologize to them, dont do the same, and make it a thing to be learned. clear. thats it. never think to much about their judgement about you.

we are human and we can make any mistake. so, someday if you are wrong, is a normal one. dont be afraid, dont be panic, dont be fear.

and last, after you did them all, put your trust to Allah. Let Allah helps you, controls you, controls them, cause Allah the only god that can done those things. Trust Allah the One

FIGHTING!