Close your eyes and imagine the best version of you possible. That’s who you really are, let go of any part of you that doesn’t believe it.

C.assaad

Connect with your inner child this spring. Run through the grass in your bare feet. Draw with sidewalk chalk, use every color of the rainbow. Have a picnic with all your favorite fruits. Make crowns from the wildflowers around you. Stay out late enough to watch the sunset. Dance underneath the stars in the moonlight. Be unapologetically yourself 🌷🌿

I've been praying on and off again about if I will have children...

Choosing to submit to my husband and God on the matter...

It's been a long journey...

Hubby had said he didn't want a child... Today at lunch he said... That he's been wanting to give me a baby...

I had come to terms that I would never have a child... That hubby would get himself snipped and we would never receive that blessing...

We don't know if it will happen... I've even prayed that if God didn't want me to carry a child to make me barren.. children are a gift from God, they are so important... I do not want to fail a little one. I know if I have a child they will be a direct gift from God, they will belong to God, not me.

We aren't going to try for a child yet, but we are going to talk and research about it further.

I'm about to turn 28 in late April 2024...

I am cautiously optimistic that I might be blessed with a little one within the next few years, maybe sooner, depending on how long we research, how much time we dedicate to improving my physical health before conception to give the little one the best chance in the womb... We shall see...

Life is full of ups and downs, relationships are never spared that. Heart breaks have even happened with Hubby and I. Each time we are given the chance to love each other despite our failures and pain we grow nearer. Love is a choice, when you think a relationship is coming to an end don't lose heart. There are types of abuse that are inexcusable so I don't mean to tolerate being treated poorly. But we are all human, we have chapters where we are going through too much pain or stress to keep up. There are times our pain ends up affecting those we love, we snap at them, or become distant... Take good care of yourself so you can be the best version of yourself, encourage your love to do the same. Don't put them down for their pain... And also sometimes we are all a little immature. Everyone is different and what environment will help us grow will vary, though God should always be at the center of it...

God really is the best teacher, praying to Him for salvation, for help to walk the right path, it's the most important thing to do in your life. He has helped me a lot. I didn't have a lot of examples growing up, so I prayed and read the Bible to learn what kind of wife God wants me to be... I'm still on that journey and I will be until my last breath... And I am glad... I will be learning to be my best self in God's eyes, and in that I will be the best wife I can be based on God's standards for my life...

Sometimes no matter how hard we try, people aren't happy with us, sometimes it's because of our own mistakes because we are human. It's important to look to God for His approval above a humans... If you're asked to go against your moral compass then turn your eyes to God in prayer, if someone abandons or hurts you for following God above man, though it hurts, you will be blessed. That doesn't mean to purposely push people away using faith as a battering ram, God loves that person you are interacting with. As Christians we are His representatives, ask yourself, how did Jesus act and respond during His time on earth? He set an example for us to follow.

There was a chapter my hubby wanted me to do things I was afraid were wrong. I prayed a lot, I tried to trust God for the answers.. if I doubted again I would pray again. It's okay to turn to God for answers, He is the source of truth. Over time and prayer I slowly figured out between me and God what was okay and not okay. Standing firm when Hubby would try to convince me one way or the other was hard, it's important to hear someone out respectfully, but always take it to God in prayer and go off of what God tells you, not a human. My relationship with Hubby changed when I started choosing God above him... It taught me to not blindly follow and obey out of fear of losing someone... I thought He would divorce me for not being willing to do certain things, and when he didn't... The fear subsided quite a bit... I found freedom in it. My moral compass will always be under construction as I learn and grow but I'm safe... And if someone rejects me for my walk with God, if I've truly done my best to do no harm while standing firm with God as my leader, well, I will be blessed for anything and anyone I lose. That doesn't mean it won't hurt, but it will be worth the pain... Just as living the message God wants us to see and hear will be worth it.

I am very far from perfect. I fail several times a day in some way... I look at my daily life and I see a lot that I can be doing better. Remember to have mercy on yourself and others... We are always going to be learning and improving ourselves. God's the only one that can really bring us to our best self. Remember our walk with God is the most important thing in life, our life will align to the right path with our eyes on God. We will perform better in life and our relationships with God at its center. Don't lose sight.

Remember that worries of this world are like crashing waves. When a disciple stepped out onto the stormy water his eyes were on Jesus, but when he looked away he became afraid, his faith faltered... He could have walked all the way to Jesus and stood with him, nothing but his own faltering attention span and faith kept him from that.

I deal with intrusive thoughts, God has helped me a lot to not be so afraid of them. I had horrible nightmares until I learned to pray even in my dreams lol. God's will and plan can be difficult to figure out. Don't think He doesn't hear you just because He answers in His own perfect way.

Sometimes we are like a dog begging for the boiling water cooking on the stove thinking it's full of goodies, we don't really know what we ask sometimes. God knows all that we need though and He will provide everything we need to live the life He wants us to live.

Note to self, I really need to spend more time in the bible. My job changed, originally I was able to listen to the bible while I worked but I can't anymore. It makes it harder to make time for it. Audio bibles are amazing, I need to get into the routine of cleaning every day and listening to the bible. Or hey listening to the bible while doing a hobby like painting, or even playing video games.... It is true though that the more we listen the more we will learn from the bible. Simply making a few minutes to read just a few verses and really think about them throughout the day may do more in our hearts.

Have an awesome blessed day everyone. Remember God has no favorites, He searches for the lost and rejoices more over the one lost returning to Him than those that were never lost. He loves you. He is calling out to you. Hear Him, reach out to Him and He will answer.

Faith the size of a mustard seed... To reach out to Him in the first place you surely have some amount of faith that He might be there... He is there... He is waiting for you. He will answer you... Don't stop reaching for Him, seek and you will find. The desire to seek Him, is Him calling you by name.

Hubby and I work at the same building, I transferred over December last year. Working in the same building, we have to be very polite about how we talk. We walk in together and his office is just down the hall from mine. I flirt with him as we part ways by saying "see you later coworker" or "see you at lunch coworker"

He is so cute he says I give him butterflies.

Just a few walls away I can hear him turn on his computer for work, shortly after I receive a text like this. Such a sweety ❤️

It's a lot healthier to go for a daily walk than to sign up for a gym membership you won't be using because you hate that kind of exercise. It's a lot healthier to eat a frozen meal than to skip a meal because you were too tired to cook something healthy. It's a lot healthier to take a quick shower than to procrastinate an elaborate routine for days. Don't aim so high that you won't be hitting anything!

Changing your thought processes:

pretty self explanatory lol

I grew up more isolated than most. I lived far enough out in the country you might as well call it the woods. Land that my grandparents had developed themselves. Homeschooled, if you can call it that. I used to spend every day outside, I became too depressed, was told to hide and lock my door when certain people came inside throughout the day, it became easier to never leave the room. I started living through my games and books, whenever they weren't taken away from me that is, those periods when I wasn't allowed any form of entertainment my mind was my escape as I walked in circles in my room, where would I go, who would I be today, what enemy would I face down in my minds eye today...

I spent too much time in these worlds that do not exist. About 3 years ago i started pulling away from games, about a year ago I stopped playing any games for the most part.

They took the pain away. Now I try to reach for those games and there is nothing but void. They don't take the pain away anymore.

I miss a feeling that I won't find again. Having something to pass my time that I really enjoy, something that takes the pain away.

Feelings come and go I know, but for when it hurts, I wish I had something to take the pain away.

I'm tired.

Tears that wouldn't fall finally fell while I was at work, luckily no one sees me here. I don't want anyone to see me cry at work, it's not their problem and I need to keep up. I can't afford to feel when I'm at work.

Sometimes I wish I could sleep more. I struggle to sleep 7 hours a night. I'm married and he wants my time and sometimes I just don't want to go to bed because tomorrow will come. I'm broken and I just don't want to wake up sometimes, I don't want to die, but I don't want to wake up, I just want to sleep for a few days or so and see how I feel then but even if time allowed, my body wouldn't. I have to get up eventually.

I wish I enjoyed more things.

My motivation to fast has been gone. I've eaten healthy though so at least I'm feeding my body well.

Hopefully I can find it in me to fast.

Well shit, I am depressed... I had hoped I was just sad. It's been a long time since I've really enjoyed hobbies. I find moments of enjoyment, I'm grateful for those moments.

I wish I enjoyed more things in life.

Why don't I have more to say to people. I'm so quiet it hurts. How do people just have things to say.

I'm great to talk to about pain, I'm good at listening and comforting people, I have things to say about grief and pain... But I don't have a lot to say about good times.

I have no reason to be sad right now but I feel it in my chest, I feel the tightness in my throat, I feel the tears that won't fall.

I'm smiling, sometimes I think I have little trickles of a positive feeling in the midst of the sadness.

This feeling will pass. There will be moments of enjoyment, of happiness.