It was never 'meant to be'

I don't believe in 'meant to be'. Oddly, I believe in fate, and that everyone had a path. I don't think it's that specific, and it definitely works more in negatives, as in 'this person won't end up with that person' or 'this person won't get this job immediately'. Life is hard work. I'm not 'meant to be' an actor, I'm not 'born' to sing. Me and the girl I have a crush on (oh yeah I'm back to being a lesbian guys) aren't 'meant for each other' . My career, my relationships, my life takes work. It's never going to be easy. That life just wasn't 'meant to be' for me.

Okay so hear me out. SKIN CARE IN THE WIZARDING WORLD. Potions that remove your freckles, blemishes and spots sound magical (haha) but one step further than than... Spells that do that shit. Like... For free. Forever. UM YES PLEASE (honestly this is like the biggest thing ever and I'm so depressed that I'm not a witch)

I was dropped. For the second this month, I was dropped by a guy I liked. Fuck guys. I'm only fucking with girls for a while.

You know what's annoying? The vaginal opening. I didn't masturbate penetratively, and I'm having sex tomorrow, so I'm trying to prepare myself with some finger penetration, however the vagina opening is very hard to find. Also,I can just about fit a finger in there. The fuck. How is the dick mean to enter? I'm going to be ripped apart.

My (attempted) first time

Okay so I go to this guys house, and I've been on a quest for sex for a good few months, but my friends had only just found out. His parents weren't home when I left to get there, but we're when I arrived, so he's like, oh we can't shag I'm so sorry. Obviously, I'm a little put out, but it's not his fault, so I'm okay. Anyway we spend an hour pussyfooting around the issue he knows nothing about me, and I take of my shorts, because he wants to take photos of my ass (as you do). He feels me up, removes me underwear, things are getting steamy. He says something about how wet I am, things are hot. Eventually he stops what he is doing, and says his parents are downstairs so we should stop. I'm fine with what just happened, but feel pretty bad he's gotten nothing. At some point during this I offered to blow him. Instead of this, he decided that with very little preparation (I am wet, but he has not fingered me), we are going to have fast sex in his gaming room, that had has no bed and two gaming chairs. He says the definition of not being a virgin is having a dick inside the vagina, so he plans to literally put it in, and take it out. Obviously this does not go well. One of the reasons is the chair he attempts it on has arms, and this is fucking tricky. The second is we are both virgins. The most important reason is that I don't finger myself when I masturbate, I've just never had the urge, and when I actively try it sort of hurts, and he obviously hasn't fingered me. He can't get his dick in my vagina, as it is too tight. We struggle for a bit, and eventually he stops and tries to finger me, which doesn't go well. It hurts, he doesn't go far, and when blood comes out of his finger (my hymen probably, or him ripping me by being too vigorous) he asks if I'm on my period. At this point I'm done, he's done, but I get on my knees to give him a blowjob. HE OFFERS ME A TOWEL BECAUSE I HAVE BLOOD ON MY THIGH AND IM VERY WET. Read the moment, I sort of want to blow you right now. Anyway, the moments over, I clean myself up, we apologise, and I leave. Also, recently I lost a lot of weight, and he told me he could tell when feeling my tits, and called them saggy. Wasn't really happy. Anyway, later I message him apologising, but try to ask to try it later, and he says he's too embarrassed to be in that situation, so essentially I've been dropped because of my lack of penetrative fingering habits. Oh wonderful. Also if this experience wasn't HORRIBLE ENOUGH, it turns out he left a game chat open, so like half way through one of my other male friends came online, AND PROCEEDED TO LISTEN, AND TELL TWO OF MY OTHER FRIENDS. As a bisexual, I think I'll still to women for a bit.

I'm too hot to masturbate, but I'm also horny

Guys... I feel this is a sensitive topic. Especially in the lgbt community, I feel like there is such as stigma against this sexual issue, particularly against gay am, the stereotypes that they have it more than any other category of person, and that's why I felt the need to speak out against this. I want to fight the stigma by being proud of my diagnosis! .... I caught feelings again.

I can't be in the mood to love you tonight. I can't be the child you wish I was. I can't hug and comfort you tonight. I want to curl up a cry for however long it takes to stop hurting.

People are attractive. Everyone I see has something attractive about them, and then when I talk to them, if they’re interesting, I find myself wanting to date them, or kiss them. I’m a bit weird like that. I think polyamory, or what my understanding of it is, is something I am open to; I love people, so trying to deny it when in a relationship could cause more harm than good. I think people are so wonderful and beautiful, everything about everyone is kind of amazing, I’ve finally stopped worrying about being gay, or bisexual, or whatever. I’ve decided I just like everyone, and I think I’m finally okay with that. (This is about you Kathryn, you Stephen, you Matt, you Sam, you Abbie, you Jack, you Ellie, and you James, EDIT: This is also for you Chelsea, and you Alicia)

I am so happy today!

Kinks are fun. It's always a fun truth to ask at parties. "Hey, what are your kinks?" For me, I always have to pull out my magic 6ft long scroll, and the encyclopaedia that came with it. (what does bdsm stand for? - stands for bondage, dominantion, sadism and masochism. -what does (blank stand for)- oh dear jesus why) It surprises me that others don't have kinks. Please don't think that I'm doing the reverse of kink shaming, I am not, but I think that everyone must be into something? Right? Or am I crazy? I just don't want to be the person when I'm in my forties who's alone because no one wanted to whip me. Anywho, be open minded, but have hard limits. No one can make you bleed against your will. Also, you are always entitled to say no, or the safe word. Just, if you're partner says, hey, can you spank me? Or if they say, hey could spank you? Don't be a dick. I'm sorry if in this post I was a dick. My bad.

Sadness

My best friend likes the person I like. He also likes her. And I have no claim over him. I have no right to say, no ,don’t date him, no right to say, no don’t date her, and as he doesn’t feel the same way about me, I definitely cannot say, no ,date me instead. But I wish I could. And ,disgustingly, they’ll probably be an amazing couple, sweet as pie. But I just can forget the feeling of me wanting him to spank me until I turn into a pile of mush. Until I call him a seemingly never ending reel of endearments. Daddy, Master, God… Sometimes, life isn’t there. Life goes on.

Edit: I was completely correct.

I love when people feel me up. I love the way it feels when hands trail up and down my thighs and calves, a circle around my ankle, going up, showing me my curves. I love when hands cup my ass, squeezing softly, but mostly just staying there. The hug that pulls me closer to my partner makes everything more intimate. I love when fingers tickle at my lower back, faint and soft. I love when fingers are scraped down my back, or when lips kiss the spot right between my shoulder blades. I love when hands bigger and stringer than mine can hold my wrists above my head in one hand. I can lose control. I love when people bite my necks, my jaw, my collar bones. I love the marks, the hickeys they leave behind.

I love the places on my body that maybe aren’t as erotic as tits, or a pussy.

I wish he loved them. I wish she loved them.

I wish that they could love me.

Things I have learnt about myself this week

I have a serious spanking fetish I am bisexual, with a preference to women I am braver than I used to be I want to play dares again I want to redo Friday night

Why I gave up My Vibrator

Sex toys are fun. There’s the elephant in the room gone. They come in all sorts of interesting colours, sizes , shapes… That last one being my favourite. But some of them can be a bit boring after so long… Especially on your own. Take my vibrator, for instance. It’s pink, and about 4 inches long, it was very cheap, and it is disgustingly smooth. I am contemplating getting a new one, because at the end of the day, it is quite fun, and I cant say I disliked the experience. But towards the end of the my time with it, my masturbating experiences had minimised to 5 minutes. I only read half of one story, or 3 minutes of any porn, and I was DONE. Which is handy if you’re running late, but not if you are trying to enjoy yourself. If you find your masturbation session become a bit bland, or fast, try switching it up. Get something with more ridges, get something you have to move yourself, hell try the shower! Because here I am, about 2 months on from quitting my vibrator, and suddenly 40 minutes gave passed by, and I have came twice. So here’s the sort of lesson I have come to: if something sexual is boring, you’re doing it wrong (or at least could be doing it better).

Heres the T

Okay so I started masturbating early. I think I was nine? And I don’t mean the things kids do, like touching yourself because t feels good. I looked up lesbian porn age nine. I was a fracking awesome child. Let’s ignore the fact that a nine year old girl thought that what was supposed to be attractive was two females, and how this probably shaped me to be the lesbian I am today, the early start gave me a lot of time to think about what I want. I learned early what I liked and what I didn’t. Lesbian, non con, alien, BDSM stories, THAT is what little old me was reading at the ripe age of 10. But knowing what you want can cause you to get bored with just reading it. For example I bought my first “vibrator” at 13 (honestly amazon, get some sort of security, yeah?). But I think people ignore the fact that although 16 is the age of the consent where I live, this means people that age want to have sex. It also stands to reason people younger than that want (and have) sex. And all this would be great, if it didn’t mean that the sex they have is ordinary sex. Not much fun if you’re a fucking kinky closeted lesbian. It’s hard enough to find ANOTHER lesbian to date in school, much less one who doesn’t mind the whole “tie me up and call me bitch” thing. There was no overall point to this, but I think people need to address the fact people aren’t just having sex anymore. People are having dangerous sex, public sex, lesbian sex, painful sex. It isn’t just condoms and the pill anymore. I really feel that safe words, and what to do if you bleed (not just vaginally or anally) in sex, and how to prevent infection, need to be spoke about it schools (older years obviously). For fucks sake, I had to buy a book about lesbian sex, so I didn’t just have the porn view, because my year 9 sex lessons involved putting a condom on what can only be described as a very disappointing dildo. So that’s me. Feel free to hate me, to damn me and my lesbian kinky ways, my horrible 16 year old safe. Oh did I forget that? 7 years gives a lot of time for thinking. Anyway, as I said feel free to hate. There’s demons in my house already XD

No he's a seeker

What books have taught me -

If he has messy black hair and a shitload of sass, he’s a keeper.