I will forever choose him, because he called my name.

Deciding to quit everything that's not of God is hard, but it's heartbreaking to watch people who claim to be of him do the total opposite of what he is about. Then the annoying part is when I'm told I need to chill and live life without thinking too much about what he teaches. Like, what do you mean? Do you want me to turn a blind eye to everything he teaches and just live a life I know isn't praising him or bringing joy to his name in any way? I'm sorry, but I don't obey my flesh, but the holy spirit and him alone.

The Spy That Loves Me - Chapter 10 (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/1082952415-the-spy-that-loves-me-chapter-10?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_reading&wp_uname=LeboCharity&wp_originator=MdeW9R%2F4Q4E%2FqgHfD1oXa8ZK0OR2f6Hro%2FYXcFe%2Bz5ytCkYc2hfWF3yfNB9pOVvuiMSm9x6gSTbkqahv0VGEiks1LJseF06ePnBB6%2FRLn5ImJvuEuJTyGfRG0ajCGikn Graduating Highschool was all Jennifer ever wanted. Due to bearing witness to an incident on her neighborhood, her life has completely changed. Hayden, Aiden, Devin and Derrick are the recipe to the chaos she never asked for in her life. She gets caught up in their world ignorantly. Not knowing which way out, without getting them, her family and friends killed. She only sees one way out.

There’s power in God’s words.

It’s still shocking.

It always shocks me how... I always get attacked when I say something about me growing in my faith at school and, like how Pastor Marcus said... I'm called fake because I slipped up. It then shocks me further when I'm asked to do something I disapprove of because, hey guess what... You already failed, so you might as well. It's really hard when you take such big steps to grow only in God's grace and when you look around, you actually have no one to support you or hold your hand. Yeah, I know Jesus is with me as he has always been there. I find it crazy how, when I was young... Nobody could throw me off his path, even my bullying stopped when I found him. But now that I have grown up, I sometimes doubt and feel sad, because I feel like I let not only the younger me down, but him too. Don't get it twisted. I'm not sad, I'm just thirsty for him and him alone. They judge me for slipping up, but can they say they are trying? God, why did it have to be this way? Even people I consider friends don't get you... I know it's one thing to say you're Christian and live up to it, but why are some people I consider friends have to be like that? I am not crying cause they pointed a finger at me, but because they choose not to see, they choose to put themselves first and then you... You know I almost gave in, but I sat with myself and my soul said no. I choose you and you alone. I won't be shaken, because I'm not weak. Yeah, I said I gave up music. I won't fall back into it, because I slipped and ended up singing a song that doesn't praise you or show your truth... But You know how hard I'm trying and have forgiven before I have even uttered the prayer in my mind and then out loud. God, they don't know that I sat in that exam room today and instead of stressing about the paper... I was having a conversation with you. I was going through a battle of removing the unclean songs out of my brain. They don't know I prayed... Maybe they don't need to know, because they don't matter. Only you know what's up and for that... I'll never try to prove my point or yours because they're just looking for ways to defy your word by finding fault in your disciples...

It's kinda crazy for me. For the first time, I feel like I'm losing my light. It feels as if it's burning out. I have encouraged someone to chase his dreams so he can make his late parents proud. I prayed for my brother to find his way to doing what he loves, but I can't do the same for myself. I am bad at asking for help, even from the one I call a savior and a friend. I try putting up a smile for you, but you know what's really going on. I mostly tell you about the happy moments, but never about my trials God. Maybe that's why some demons can affect me and try turning me against you. They know I'm weak to call out to you. So they're always watching me, waiting for me to slip up and use that in their advance. I'm sorry, God, I thought I was changing. But I'm just realizing. Scared to step forward, so I hold back. Scared to look you in the eye, I turn my back. God, I'm sorry, I didn't realise how hard it would be to come to you. I'm scared of everything, it seems, or maybe I'm just awakening. These demons won't let me be. They're in my home and refusing to leave. Their way out isn't through the door, but for me to slay them and stand triumphant in your grace. Oh God, how hard it is to look each of them in the eye, but for my recovery, I have gotta trust and believe. I feel nothing inside because at the moment I'm just summing them up. I'm turning to face you, God. Take my hand and walk through it with me. Because alone I'm weak as you can see and I'm tired of feeling this way. So I open my door and let you back in. Together we defeat these demons... I just hope you'll understand, because more moments will arise and cause me to want to kick you out again. My heart and soul are yours. I hope you won't misunderstand me like the rest. You come first to me, even if sometimes it doesn't seem like it.

Let go and let God.

Easy to say when I'm not the one going through what you're going through, I know. It gets annoying hearing that without being handed a guide on how to do so; I know. Life always gets us tangled in its cobwebs, suffocating us and making us feel lonely. Especially when set on following only his grace. Situations pop up in your life and try to entrap you in this constant home you built in your mind where all your insecurities have developed into demons constantly, making you feel you're not good enough no matter what you achieve or how far you have walked. It gets tempting to give in and give up. To wallow in constant sadness instead of choosing to decimate the house. So that you can see the clear picture... You are free. It was all an illusion the devil tried to trap you in so you can return to your sinful ways. You see that for every doubt that seems to scream, 'You will fail!' God has a response and encourages you to move forward. You see that the people you call friends aren't good for you if their whispers become louder and try swaying you away from his grace. Don't put those chains back on your wrists. Stop wanting to put tape on your mouth and try blocking out God's word. Stop trying to think of ways to excuse every wrongdoing you take action towards. You are God's. Not the world's, so don't strive to try being of the world because of those doubts. They are not bigger than you, I promise. They paint themselves that way to discourage you and believe just because they are shiny, they're good. Don't fall for it... Let go and let God as Jeremiah 29:11 says; he knows the plans he has for you.