Enough

It truly feels like nothing I ever say, do, make, or am is enough. I feel like all I’ve been doing is dumping time, energy, and emotions into my life and getting nothing in return. Every time I get a little stronger the weight gets a little heavier, so I’m ultimately not gaining a damn thing. My life has become this perpetual exercise in futility and I am just plain tired.

Perhaps the most frustrating part of this whole thing is that I know I’m not going to quit, I can’t. More than anything I would love to throw in the towel. I want so badly not to get up this time; I want to stay down and rest. I wish I could say it was because I have people depending on me and I’m some sort of beautiful martyr, but I’m really just a horrible mix of stubborn, strong, and naive.

Tonight, I will lie down in bed an ugly heap of self-pity and regret and shamelessly cry myself to sleep. I’ll say, “I can’t” and “I won’t” and I might even entertain the fantasy that my mom is still alive and will prance into my room and make everything okay again. I’ll lay there mourning the past, loathing the present, and dreading the future. I’ll hate myself for it the whole time, too.

But tomorrow, I will rise like a phoenix. I’ll wear a smile until I trick myself into believing that I’m actually happy, like swallowing a rat poison placebo. I’ll get dressed and be grateful that it’s casual Friday and I can wear jeans. I’ll put on some make-up and tell myself I look nice. I’ll show up at work early and greet my favorite co-workers like a completely balanced and capable human being. I’ll keep a positive tone even with my most difficult customers and do my best to make my stats and sales. I’ll even come home after dealing with ignorant jerks all day to animatedly read my daughter a bedtime story and snuggle with my dogs. I’ll tell myself tomorrow will be better. Again, I will have swept all my self-doubt and anger and sadness and fear under the rug. People at work will continue to think I’m this positive go-getter.

I am losing my shit. I’m too proud to ask for help, but my life is falling apart and I am getting more desperate each time I hit one of these ruts. The only thing that scares me more than the day I finally give up or self-destruct is the possibility that I never do, that I just keep struggling on until I die. I’ll deserve it all, too, because I didn’t ever ask for sympathy or help. I am totally convinced that I’m strong enough to do this myself, that one day I will be enough. But I’m not enough. I’m just fucking exhausted.

This Is Okay... For Now.

“Happiness isn’t getting what you want, it’s wanting what you have.”

I’ve heard that phrase a million times and, until recently, I thought it was absolutely true... but it’s not.

As humans, I think we are wired for progression. I was content with what I had once and it nearly cost me my future. I didn’t work toward anything, I wished. I didn’t have goals, I had dreams. I wanted things, sure, but not badly enough that I pursued them. I was overall satisfied with my life as it was, so I left it that way... for years. My life stagnated and I accepted it.

Then I woke up. I looked back at all the time I wasted, all those years I’d never get back, and I wondered how it could have possibly got this bad. The answer was that I had grown complacent. My low self-esteem, my ruts of depression, and my general laziness had outweighed my desire to advance. I’d put my life in stasis and lost a lot of time that I could have spent bettering myself and my situation.

But I was content no longer. I started working instead of wishing. I did away with my dreams and replaced them with realistic goals. I searched for solutions instead of excuses. I wanted a better life and started building a plan that would help me obtain it. I’m still not as driven as I could be, but I’m in a much better place than I was five months ago. I’m certainly much happier now.

Don’t get me wrong, I still believe there is a lot of wisdom to be found in that tired old phrase. Too often we take the things we have for granted and obsess over the unrealistic or unobtainable. I just wanted to highlight the danger of growing overly complacent. I don’t think happiness is about either of those extremes. I don’t think it’s about, “All of this is unacceptable. All of it!” or “Everything is great just the way it is, forever.” I think it should be more like, “This is okay... for now. But tomorrow, it’s going to be better.”

Adulting In 2017

I have no idea how my parents managed without the technology we have today. Apps have improved my life so much. I use Mint to track my bills, To Doist for my shopping lists and short-term goals, my banks’ apps to monitor my money, and Google calendar for my work schedule and appointments. Without those, I’d be so lost. I can’t even bash people who always have their phones out. They’re not just social devices anymore and haven’t been for a long time.

Sure, I could use a physical calendar to keep track of birthdays, appointments, my work schedule, and my bills. I could pay all my bills in-person or through snail mail instead of online. I could walk to my bank to check my balance and I certainly know how to balance a checkbook. I could write a shopping list. I could track my calories without an app, do the math in my head, and just exercise every day without having an estimate of how many calories I burned.

But I’m not going to, because after showering, dressing, commuting to and from work, and work itself, that leaves me with just two hours on work days. Only a half hour of that I’m able to spend with my daughter before she has to go to bed and then I have to do fun things like housework and spending time with my dogs. On my days off, I’d like to actually sit down and knock out a few episodes of Golden Girls and talk to my boyfriend.

So if people wanna bash me because I’d like to live more efficiently, screw it. I rely heavily on my phone for things, sure. It’s not because I’ve forgotten how to live without it, but I just don’t see the point in wasting all that time doing things the hard way. Work smarter, not harder.

(source x)

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

My new job as a tech support agent is going smoothly. Training has been getting a little overwhelming, but most of the other trainees seem to feel the same way so I’m pretty certain that’s normal. The employees are positive and friendly; I haven’t met a single one I don’t like, and that’s really saying something for someone who isn’t a people person! Right now I’m torn between electric excitement and crushing fear of being put behind a desk.

I ended up dead last for the shift bid, but that’s okay; our office is only open from 8AM-8PM, so even the worst shift isn’t that bad. Once my training is over and my shift kicks in, I’ll get Sundays and Tuesdays off. Next week I should get my $100 bonus for perfect attendance, then my benefits kick in on August 1. On the one hand, that means my health insurance will start yanking $64 out of every paycheck (I get paid biweekly). On the other, I’ll get free cable, phone for $10/month, and speedy Internet for $20/month. Aw yeah.

Also, I talked to my supervisor and she’s allowing me to take August 10 and 11 off so I can go to San Diego for my boyfriend’s Marine graduation. I can’t wait! It’ll be my first time on a plane, my first time traveling to a non-adjacent state, my first time actually seeing my boyfriend. Then he’ll come home with me for ten days before he has to go to advanced training. It just sucks that I’ll be working for most of those ten days.

I think I’m going to get him a customized KA-BAR knife for his graduation. It’ll have his name, graduation date, and a heroic quote of some kind on it. I know on of his favorite quotes is “Pain is weakness leaving the body”, but I also think he’d like a video game quote... Maybe something from Dishonored 2. I’ll figure it out.

There are just so many things I can’t afford right now! The pups need their shots and I need to get them fixed. We need furniture and clothes. I’d like to get my hair dyed, buy a TV for the livingroom, and get my daughter a season pass to the public pool. Oh, let’s not forget her birthday present for next month! I have no idea what I’m doing. Being an adult is hard. But nothing worth doing is ever easy.

All in all, I’m happy. I’m blessed to have an amazing boyfriend, a supportive family, a healthy daughter, three dogs that adore me, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a good job, and a number of other things. I’m happy.

Best Day

My first day of training for my new job went very well. The training supervisor, Misty, is this bubbly person who is extremely easy to talk to. There were six other trainees and they were all very nice. When we walked in, we each had a little “goodie bag” waiting for us on the conference table. They were apparently put together by an employee named Gale, who is apparently always doing things like that in her free time. We met her later—she is a hilarious and wily old woman with a heart of pure gold.

We took a tour of the facility, went over company policies, signed a bunch of papers, and got to know each other today. It was honestly a lot of fun and a great learning experience. Most of the employees there seem genuinely happy and I can see why. I learned that there are lots of nifty benefits that I didn’t know about!

I got to know Bonnie on our first break. She’s a single mom, too, and she’s going through some heinous stuff with child services right now. Been there, done that. We bonded almost instantly. On our hour-long break, we went to her house (since I live out of town and we wanted to sit in air conditioning) and I got to know her better. She’s fantastic. I think I’ve made a new friend.

Two, actually. One of the other trainees is an Army vet who traveled all over the world repairing Apache helicopters until he received a medical discharge. Now he’s into cyber security and programming. We talked about programming languages and computers for a while and one of the other trainees commented that it was like we were in our own little world, speaking a language nobody else could understand. He’s a bit of a braggart but not the type that makes himself look better at the expense of others. He’s a good person.

After work, I called my sister to tell her about my day. She’s excited for me. This weekend, she and her husband are going to come help me move some furniture around and get rid of things I don’t need anymore. I’m selling some extra furniture, decorations, and some of my mom’s old clothes so we can pay off this nasty electric bill.

It’s a good thing, too! I won’t get my paycheck for three weeks and we have no idea how much money is in the bank right now. I took my little brother and daughter shopping this evening and we were (thankfully) able to get $50 of food. I get $60 in two more days for working the charity event and that will help, too, since I’m sure my welfare will be cut off when I call in to update the state on my getting a job tomorrow.

On the way home, I checked the mail and found a letter from my boyfriend. He’s having a rough time at boot camp, but he’s staying positive. I love that about him. I love everything about him. I miss him like hell. I can’t wait to see him in August.

And I will see him in August.

Sigh of relief

Well, against all odds, I landed that tech support job that I’m totally unqualified for. My cover letter must’ve impressed them enough to forget that I don’t have a college degree in computers or experience in the industry... or maybe they were just feeling generous. I received a phone call a few hours after I submitted it and set up an interview for the next day.

I was beyond nervous. I put in a few hours studying networking terminology and rehearsing answers for popular interview questions. My sister told me it’s better to go to an interview over-dressed than under-dressed, but I had no decent clothes. Being a tomboy has its downfalls. Luckily, we managed to find a dress of my mom’s that fit me. I did my make-up for the first time in weeks and my hair for the first time in years.

A lady greeted me at the door and showed me into a room with a computer. I had to take two tests, both timed. The first consisted of choosing appropriate responses for customer service calls and quickly recording information. That was easy. The second was a little more difficult. It required doing math in your head and solving logic problems, which is something I do well except when I’m pressured by, say, a time limit. The computer glitched out when I had four questions to do in ten seconds, so I was able to re-take it and thus passed. Lucky day!

Then I was moved to the hiring manager’s office. She was a woman with presence, let me tell you. I was intimidated. She was friendly on the surface, but that was the scary part. Her friendliness was there to disarm you; I could tell she was judging my every reaction. Afraid that I’d get nervous and screwed it up, I just took a deep breath and thought, “If I don’t get this job, my daughter won’t have food for summer, let alone clothes or a birthday present. If I don’t get this job, we’re homeless. Nevermind getting to my boyfriend’s Marine graduation...” I decided to just be myself, only a touch more professional.

From there, it went smoothly. I surprised myself. I’m normally terrible at situations like that, but I answered all her questions promptly and intelligently. I showed her my passion for technology, eagerness to learn, and enthusiasm to be a part of the company. When she asked me why she should choose me over the tens of other applicants, I told her that it wouldn’t be a job just to pay the bills to me: it would be a career, something I can see myself doing for the rest of my life. When she asked me if I had any questions at the end, I asked her about career advancement opportunities. I asked her that not only because I was genuinely curious, but also to show her that I’m ambitious and plan on staying with the company for a long time.

It worked! I signed off for a background check right then and there, then did the drug screening the next day. I begin my (paid!) training on Tuesday. Benefits don’t kick in until after my training is complete, which will take two months, but they include good health/dental insurance, tuition reimbursement up to $3,000/year when majoring in a relevant field, PTO, 401K, flextime, and discounts on their services (cable, phone, and Internet). You can also take classes (up to two per year) that permanently increase your hourly wage by 25 cents. All-in-all a great little package. Plus, I’ll be on day shift!

Still, I did the math and it’s still going to be very difficult to make bills. My pups still need their shots. Ana still needs clothes. I think I’ll have to drop out of college and hope they’ll let me come back later when I have some money saved up. Visiting my boyfriend for his Marine graduation seems like an impossibility, which is super depressing. I know how much it means to him and it kills me that he’s not going to have anyone there to witness his greatest achievement. I know he’ll understand, but that’s the worst part. He’s such an amazing dude and this is the only thing he’s really asked of me.

But I won’t complain. I have a job. Even if we have to scrape for cash, at least we won’t be homeless. I am so relieved and nervous at the same time. Let’s hope I don’t make an idiot out of myself when training begins.

Panic intensifies

Okay, so we’re a lot shorter on money than I thought. At the rate I’m earning money, we literally won’t make next month’s bills. I have so much anxiety right now. I woke up this morning and instantly a knot formed in my stomach. All I can do is wonder how the hell we’re going to survive this.

Last night, I was browsing through jobs in my area. Most of the listings I had either already applied to or had a good reason for not applying. Then I found that the company that offers cable, telephone, and Internet services in my area was hiring tech support representatives. Of course, they prefer applicants with a degree and some experience in the cable industry...

But I applied anyway. The pay is good, the benefits are sweet, and I would love a job in a technology-related field. My resume is pathetic, but I wrote up a damn fine cover letter (if I do say so myself) that will ideally compensate for it. I made a post on FB asking for my friends to wish me luck and my cousin replied, tagging one of his friends and asking them to put in a good word for me. If I get this job, I’m buying my cousin some beer and nachos as soon as I can afford it!

Until then, I’m going to worry my head off. Today, I’m going through the house, cleaning it up a bit, and searching for things I can sell. My mom had a ton of clothes, most of which are down in the basement, and I’m sure I can find some things in the hallway closet and attic that we have no use for. I just have to take a few deep breaths and try not to have any panic attacks today.

Oh, and I’m starting a walking routine again. This time I’m adding progressive amounts of running into the mix. I don’t expect that I’ll be able to keep up with my fresh-out-of-boot-camp boyfriend at the end of three months, but hopefully I can at least go for casual runs with him without making too much of an idiot out of myself. I’m pretty confident I’ll be able to do 20-minute runs at the end of it, anyway, and that’s not bad.

Alright, time to get my daughter up for school and see if I can grab a few shifts this morning. Wish me luck.

What is money?

I am drowning in stress.

I finally fixed the technical issues preventing me from doing my at-home inbound telemarketing job. It took several hours, but at long last I was victorious! Unfortunately, we’re going through a slow patch and there aren’t very many available shifts. The few shifts I have managed to snatch up haven’t generated many calls and, since I get paid per minute of talk-time and not hourly, that means no money for me.

I have never in my life needed money more than I do now. I have a stack of unpaid bills on my desk, college starting in two weeks, puppies that need shots and neutering, and I promised my boyfriend I would do whatever I could to make it to his graduation from the Marines in August. I’d like a bed to sleep on eventually, too, because the couch is worn out and my arthritis has been flaring up like crazy with all this rain we’ve been having. My daughter needs clothes. I’m living on ramen noodles, yogurt, and eggs. I’m a mess.

If I wasn’t so desperate for money, I’d quit this job in a heartbeat. I get so anxious and upset. I’m not very good at it because my heart’s not in it. I hate trying to sell people things they don’t want. I hate that I’m forced to offer all these upsells when they call to order something else. I hate that I can almost feel them rolling their eyes while I yammer off these corny scripts. I hate that my company is still using a horrendously outdated system that is no longer supported by most browsers.

I’ve put in applications everywhere, but most of them are only offering minimum wage and strange hours. With my daughter’s last day of school being this Wednesday, I’m certain babysitter fees will eat that right up. Ugh, I hate this small backwater town! People get away with selling services for ridiculous prices just because there isn’t anyone else with those services for miles and there are so few job opportunities. 

I really thought this was gonna be my year, man. I was going to start working on my degree for computer programming while my boyfriend was at boot camp. I was going to visit Cali so I could be there for his Marine graduation and meet his family before we came home. I was going to enroll my daughter in a couple summer activities to keep her busy. I was going to raise my two new puppies.

Well, I’m out of energy. I’m lucky to get a few hours of sleep a night and then even just working a couple 30-minute shifts gives me enough stress that I’m completely wiped afterwards, nevermind being a mom to a little girl and three energetic dogs. I am just buried. But I’ve done all I can for now.

bitty

Mother’s Day

My mom lost her battle with cancer today.

Ever since she was diagnosed, I’ve been waiting for the Call. The one that tells me the only person who has, since birth, supported me through every failure, bad decision, and moment of weakness has died. The one that tells me I will never get to hug the person who gave me life ever again. The one that tells me I will never be able to share my stories, jokes, hardships, or triumphs with my beautiful, compassionate, charitable mother again. The one that tells me I have to find a way to explain to my daughter why she can no longer threaten to run off to Grandma’s when it’s bedtime.

Every time my phone has rang since my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I have dreaded and anticipated that call. Especially after last week, when my mom’s cancer got worse, I have always felt a tiny jolt of fear every time my sister has called me. Today I wasn’t expecting it. Today I thought my sister was just calling to wish me a happy Mother’s Day and bring me some flowers, like she does every year.

That’s not why she called. She called to tell me my mother had got much worse. I intended to visit her today anyway, with it being Mother’s Day, so I hurriedly dressed my little girl and prepared myself to say goodbye. But, just as we were heading out the door, I received another call from my sister. It was the Call, the one that told me it was too late for goodbye.

Describing the nature of death to my daughter was the single most difficult thing I have done in my life. Telling her there was nothing we could do, explaining what forever meant, watching the hope dissolve and the despair settle in, my heart broke all over again. This was the first time I’ve seen my daughter cry out of sheer grief and it took everything I had to remain strong. My tears were silent, but I was devastated for her. For my mom. For all of us.

I’m lost. I need my boyfriend, my best friend... but he left for boot camp early this morning. He arrived at a hotel, but their Internet is down so he was only able to call me to talk for a couple minutes. I knew he didn’t need the stress, so I acted like I was fine, but I don’t know what I’m going to do without him to lean on. All I can do is keep up this facade that I’m not falling apart so my daughter and brother might find strength. Why do I always have to be the tough one? I want to scream and cry and break down, too.

Instead, I took care of two puppies and a very sad little girl today. I made a post on Facebook about it to inform friends and family because I didn’t have the energy to call them all individually. I bathed and fed the pups and my daughter. I took the pups outside to potty, put them in a crate, and cried for a while after I tucked in my daughter. Now I really should clean and vacuum, but I just don’t feel like it.

This Mother’s Day sucked for me. When I was seven, I lost my grandma (my mom’s mom) on Mother’s Day. Now my daughter is seven, and she’s lost hers on Mother’s Day. I already knew today was going to be difficult because of Devon leaving for boot camp, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this difficult. How? I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this.

But I will. Momma didn’t raise a quitter.

Reconciliation & Puppies

So Devon and I had a very long talk. There was some yelling and crying, but it was mostly talking. He explained why he’d left the way he did and we both apologized. Now we’re back together and we’re going to try this whole relationship thing again, for better or worse.

Also, I know I said in my last post that I was going to get a puppy. Well, we ended up getting two. They’re brother and sister; half Australian shepherd, half Siberian husky. My brother is a sucker for Siberian huskies and I’m a sucker for Australian shepherds. We both ended up taking one.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Auriel and Aristotle:

Auriel has a patch on the left side of her face and brown eyes with blue centers. Aristotle is all white, save a few tiny spots of brown on his ears, and his eyes are crystal blue. They’re both at that stage of puphood where they’re a little terrified of everything, but they’re great cuddlers and I love them! <3

My daughter is, of course, over the moon about all this. I’m a bit apprehensive about training two pups at once, but I have my brother to help me. I’m going to teach him everything I know about “dog whispering”. (I’m not actually a professional, but my brother will insist on calling what I do “dog whispering” anyway.)

Plus, they’ll keep me busy while my boyfriend’s in boot camp! He leaves this Sunday...

Update: Life is hard.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, so here’s the update: weight loss was a bust, quitting smoking was a bust, my job is a joke, my mom is dying, my boyfriend dumped me, and I’m getting another puppy. I am devastated, broken, and completely lost. My daughter is the only reason I haven’t admitted myself to an asylum. I hate pretty much everything right now.

I am one big pile of suck. We can’t afford healthy food or vape supplies right now. My employer will insist on using Java for their website, which is incompatible with pretty much every browser. They have workaround step-by-steps, but those aren’t working for most people, either, so I guess I just can’t work with them anymore!

My mom was moved to hospice last week. I feel horrible because I don’t get in to see her as often as I should. I really don’t like seeing her like that, confused and frail and not at all herself. She doesn’t seem to want us kids there, anyway, because she acknowledges us but doesn’t speak. I don’t think she likes people seeing her like that and I can’t blame her, but I still go in to see her sometimes because I don’t want her to feel abandoned. She’s always been there for me. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her. I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to my daughter. Her grandma is her world.

To top things off, my boyfriend left me. I don’t know the real reason for it, just the BS excuse he kept giving me. I wish I could say it didn’t come as a shock, that I wasn’t completely taken off-guard, but I was. Then, when I tried to reconcile, he strung me along on this hope that we were getting back together just to shatter it again with another weak excuse. I have never felt so stupid and pathetic in my life. I just kept buying all his lies until I went into emotional debt and now I’m just in over my head. I came so close to a meltdown yesterday...

And now, my depression is back.

It’s been trying to creep up on me ever since my mom’s health plummeted, but now it’s just here. I’m tired, the kind of tired you can’t sleep off, and I don’t feel like fighting it anymore. I know I’m being silly and selfish but I can’t find it in me to care. Caring is what got me here in the first place. I just want to sleep, forever, and not dream. My dreams suck. I keep seeing my mom in them, and my exes Devon and James, and reliving all the times people have abandoned me. The one I had last night was so bad that I woke up just to throw up.

I know I’m stronger than this. I know it’ll get better with time. I know a month from now that I’ll be grateful Devon showed his true colors before our relationship could get any further. I’ll move on, I’ll find happiness in myself, and then I’ll find someone else. But right now, none of that helps. I just want to sleep for a while.

And get another puppy.

Hump Day!

Well, tomorrow’s Hump Day and I’ve been slacking. I haven’t been counting calories or walking or cleaning or working or much of anything, really. My sleeping schedule has been so sketchy and I’m just not one of those people who can function properly on a few hours of sleep. Not anymore, at least. I’m old, yo.

But I’ve made a checklist for tomorrow that should help me get through the day. I bought a few items to help me organize things around the house and I’m excited to put them to use! Yes, one major upside to being a perfectionist is that organizing things actually excites me. Nothing gives quite the same rush as turning an disorganized pile of miscellany into something ordered and tidy!

Let’s just hope the headache I’ve been harboring off and on for the last couple days doesn’t decide to sneak back up on me while I’m sleeping tonight. That’d be just my luck...

Good night, Tumblr!

Oops

I’ve had the pre-game jitters ever since I signed up for nesting calls on Wednesday. Today, I saw that there was an open shift and figured I’d just get those first few calls out of the way and build my confidence. I’m a moron. Everything went horribly. Everything!

I had a technical issue during the first call. The solution was covered in my training, but I forgot basically everything in my nervousness and the caller ended up hanging up on me before I could set things straight. The second call was a man who asked about the price of the product and then said he’d call back later if he decided to buy it. I let him go, which I’m apparently not supposed to do. There was a rebuttal argument I was supposed to make, using our free trial as a selling point to get his purchase then and there, but I let him go. The third call sounded a lot like a butt dial. I could hear some background noise, but nobody would talk back to me. I tested my equipment afterward to make sure it was working and it was, so luckily that’s one thing that wasn’t my fault today.

Then there was my fourth call. A lady called about a pan. I took all of her information and explained the pricing to her. I missed the “free” bit of “plus free shipping & handling” because the nerd in me can’t possibly fathom how “plus free” anything makes sense. The lady questioned that and I corrected myself. We move on and I have to try making upsells. I managed to talk her into the nonstick coating for the pan, but she became annoyed as I piled on extra offers and started interrupting me. I can’t totally blame her—I hate when sales agents do that, too—but I’m required to read them all. Still, I ended up getting anxious enough that I skipped over one of the upsells in a rush to end the call. That alone is reason enough for them to write me up.

But then it gets worse. I charge her, I wrap things up, and I thought I’d pressed the “end call” button on my phone. I have a bad habit of talking to myself, especially in awkward situations like that, and I just heave this deep sigh and say, “Well, that was awkward and stressful.” Then I realized I hadn’t hung up yet. I quickly did that and banged my head on my desk for four minutes while I waited for another call. I don’t think the lady was still on the line when I said that, but I’m sure the agent who is auditing all my calls is having a laugh right now. (And maybe firing me.)

I get two more pseudo-butt dial calls and end my shift, feeling miserable and stupid. I mucked up three calls and only managed to sell one thing in my 30-minute shift. It was super upsetting. I wanted to cancel my shifts tomorrow and give up, but I can’t afford to do that right now. Not financially, not mentally. I need to learn how to get back on the proverbial horse instead of giving up at the first sign of resistance. Also I love cheese and cheese costs money.

So I spent two hours researching scripts, rebuttals, and offers for ten different products tonight. Tomorrow morning, I’m hoping to wake up early and watch all the advertisements I can before my shifts start. Each one is 30 minutes long. I’m doing two back-to-back, taking one off, and then doing a third. I’m hoping that I’m much less of a screw-up tomorrow.

Back to school

I filled out and submitted my FAFSA this morning. I’m planning on attending college online for computer programming, but I’d be just as happy with any computer-related major. Honestly, I just wanna keep learning and college is the best way to do that. I love learning, I love reading, I love the academic challenge. Up until now, I’ve just been lacking funds and ambition.

Well, that and I was worried that it wouldn’t be worth it, anyway. I live in a small backwater town where a college degree doesn’t do much for you. But now that I’ve been planning to move anyway, it seems a lot more feasible that I’ll get some use out of my degree.

If I can’t afford college even with FAFSA and a small student loan, I think I’ll consider attending the University of the People. It’s super affordable and I’ve heard good things about it. I can at least go there, ace my Associate’s, and maybe get considered for scholarships so I can pursue a BA.

I wonder if I’m doing all this too soon, though. I feel confident and excited now, but I’ve felt these motivational highs before and they never last. They just fizzle out and leave me with a bunch of things I’ve started and don’t have the energy/willpower to finish. I’m getting a job, applying for college, and moving in with my boyfriend. It feels like a lot to do all at once, but I’m 27. I’m no spring chicken. I need to get going already.

Let’s just hope I have the stamina to see all these things through.

Boom!

I’m pretty sure I landed a job! I’m going to be an inbound sales agent. I’ll be working from home, which is great because it saves travel expenses and I hate wearing pants. I’ll be self-employed, which is great because I can pick my own hours and claim some of my utility bills as business expenses for tax purposes. I’m really excited to get some experience in customer service, too, since a lot of agencies in that field require a year’s experience minimum before they’ll consider employing you.

It’s not super stable. Even though I get to choose which hours I want to work, shift availability varies. I’m also limited on how many shifts I can pick up until I prove myself. On top of that, it only pays 25 cents per minute of talk-time and the work is said to be pretty stressful.

A job is a job, though! If nothing else, I’ll have a little bit of income until I’m able to find something more reliable. I’m applying at the local gas station tomorrow. They only offer part-time jobs, but it’s $10/hour and within walking distance. I can just do my best to fill the void with this freelancing at-home sales agent gig until I have a year’s experience, then perhaps find a better customer service position.

Of course, I still have to do my “nesting calls” on Wednesday, which are basically calls that will be audited by a supervisor to make sure I don’t botch things too badly. Assuming I don’t screw those up, though, I’ll have a job! I’ve set up a dedicated phone line, purchased a hands-free phone set, re-organized my desk space, completed my training, and read up on the products I’ll be selling. I still have to set up direct deposit and figure out how to do my own taxes, but I have time for that.