overthinking

i know i'm just over thinking everything and perhaps it's because i'm writing this at four in the morning but i wish you were easier to read. i honestly think you might just be a "nice guy" prototype. nothing more.

but, when i read into the things you do it seems like there could be something more. i mean, choosing me over sports, talking on the phone for hours, picking me up to make sure i'm safe. can you really blame me for thinking there might be more to this?

Please don't think this a plea for attention. Or a cry for help. I refuse to let myself become needy, as if I am starved of affection and love. That is the complete opposite. It's just one of those times I just need a place to write, inhibited and without judgement... 

I've been questioning whether it's time for me to cut my losses or not. While I understand you have to fight for what you believe in, there are times that no matter how good your intentions are, they will never be good enough. So I sit here wondering whether I trudge on, fighting a battle I seem to be losing, or whether I raise my white flag and surrender. I'm thinking about which one will cause the least amount of sadness. 

Or maybe it's not even that at all.

I think I've been holding in my feelings and emotions for so long now, that they've finally bubbled to the top, and as it spills over, I can't decipher what it is I'm feeling. Am I mad at myself for thinking it was going to be easy? Am I sad that I don't feel good enough? Or maybe I'm lonely because I think I'm fighting these thoughts on my own? Whatever the case may be, this maelstrom of emotions has caused me to put up my walls again and seclude myself. I'm hoping these waves of emotions will eventually die down. Lord knows I don't know how to swim. 

i am so glad you're out of my life.

it kills me to know that you have my heart, but yours may possibly belong to someone else.

- Amber Bayani (Let You Go)

i miss you.

you were my best friend, my rock, my protector. the one person who came to my rescue whenever i needed it, the one i could never stay mad at, the one who let me soak their shoulder with my tears.

what happened? who are you now? it feels as though years have passed between us, when it's really just been months. i keep replaying things over and over again trying to understand why things turned out this way.

maybe it's a little selfish of me but i need my best friend now, more than ever. i need someone who understands me, who knows my quirks and what makes me happy. i need you.

for you, i was a chapter. for me, you were the book.

“Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back… then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.”

Sarah Cross (via loveyourchaos)

God knows I didn’t mean to fall in love with her.

Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell To Arms (via loveyourchaos)

i hate this. i hate you. 

that's a lie.

i don't hate you. that's the problem. i'm searching for a flaw, something that will make me break it all off. something so putrid that i would immediately be repulsed by you. i'm not saying you're perfect, because you're not. but i have yet to find anything that could push me away from you. 

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, page 102.

it's unhealthy how often i consider leaning over and kissing you before i leave your car, "accidentally" grabbing onto you and not letting go, and telling you how i really feel. i tell myself not to message you, i sabotage any hope that you'll feel the same way, i try to keep myself from having to see you. but it's useless because i fail every day.