like first of all my best friend seems like she's pulling away from me and i don't know if it's just tonight because of her workload or if she's growing tired of me or if she is disapproving of the person i'm turning out to be

and i can't fucking deal with it anymore i am so done

my mom always yells

my dad always complains

my best friend is making me self-conscious

and the only ones there for me are my dog and my Seb and my Lockie because I don't feel like I can confide in anyone else

and even if I don't confide in them very often, it's a relief knowing that they won't judge me even if I do and it's what keeps me going

because lately I've felt like I can't keep going and like I should just fuck it all to hell and get it over with but no I can't do that because I need to be strong for myself and my friends and it's exhausting. 

mmm, nice. It's great when the person you like asks to have a google+ hangout night, but then ends up wanting to invite the person you think he likes

I really hope that they aren't a thing

but I wouldn't be surprised

because there are so many hints that've been dropped already and I should just learn not to get my hopes up anymore

.

I really hope you know that I cried over you today.

And that in all of my 17 years, you're the 3rd guy I've ever cried for. The fact you seem to be ignoring me really puts me off, and there is no way in hell that I'm going to be the one to contact you first. You seem content in talking to all these other girls, most notably the one that gets on my nerves the most, and yet you haven't so much as sent me a word today.

Yeah. Love you too. We'll see how things go on Friday, won't we? I really hope for our friendship's sake that we talk by then, or else things are going to be really awkward.

Sincerely, the girl who you used to text everyday and you now seem to have forgotten. 

I try to be supportive of my really close friends, but when I do they either take it the wrong way, close their feelings off, or make me feel worse than I did before, even though the problem has nothing to do with me.

Especially when you're trying to console someone through the internet and they just stop talking to you, and when you ask if they're still there they say "yes"

what am I supposed to take away from that?

Do you want my help?

Do I need to leave you alone?

Give me some kind of signal, don't just leave me hanging in the dark, making me think I've done something to make the problem worse. I really want to be there for you, but it's a two-sided deal. You have to be willing to open up about everything you need to. I just wished you realize that. 

Honestly, I haven't ever felt this way. I know that when you like someone, that's the thing you're supposed to say. "Oh no, this time's different. I've never felt this way towards anyone." Then you realize that you actually have felt the exact same way towards way too many people, and that what you feel towards that person isn't anything special.

I've heard a lot about love, whether it be from movies, songs, friends, strangers, etc. The Dictionary definition of love is "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; to need or require." There are a total of 2 people that I thought I might have been in love with, and in the end I've either forgotten about them or they've turned out to be completely full of themselves.

Then there's this guy. I've only known him for a month, but in that month I've found myself more attached to him than any other guy. I understand now when people talk about someone having a certain scent, that is just the person's essence. I understand now when people say their heart aches because they aren't with that special someone every moment of every day. I understand now why in movies, people flop on their beds in giddiness whenever their significant other calls them, just to talk. 

I was talking to my mom and glanced down at my phone, willing him to text me by saying "come on, text me back. I love you."

My mom looked at me strangely, and asked me, in utter seriousness, if I loved this guy. I thought for a long time and came to the conclusion that I did. She didn't laugh at me or get mad at me or say that it's just a passing fancy and that as soon as someone else came along, I'd forget all about him. She simply smiled and said "that's big." And that was that. I honestly never expected her to believe I could love someone at my age. But I think I'm in love.

Not only was I trying to defend my mom's position on something, but I was also trying to show him that he doesn't evenattempt to communicate and see what other people are trying to say. 

I honestly don't know why I even give a shit sometimes. Dear God.

I honestly can't stand the feeling of letting someone down.

For some reason I've been really self-conscious about how I treat others. And this is a good thing on my part, I believe. But I often find myself wondering if certain people hate me because I'm hanging out with someone else, or if they wonder if I don't care about them anymore because I don't have the ability to make plans with them.

Here's the thing you should know about me; I don't make plans. I just don't have the ability to do that on my own, because I don't have a means of transportation or a way to make those plans happen. However, if someone else invites me to something or makes a plan that involves me, then I am able to do it.

But I just get really anxious that certain people might think I "don't have time for them", yet am able to do something with another person. This is not the case. If I ever do something, it's because I'm invited to do it, not because I'm choosing to hang out with one person above another.

It's all very complicated, and I wish I had the balls to post this on my public blog. But I have a feeling that I might offend a certain friend, and make her feel worse than she's already been feeling over the past few months. And I don't want to be responsible for someone feeling that way.

I just want to scream. Most of the time.

Sometimes I feel like my friends aren't really friends. Because something happened this week that just made me feel like once they're around other people, they leave me out to dry like wet laundry. They don't care about my feelings. At all. In fact, it's like they don't care about me, or they forget about me once someone more interesting comes along. And it really really bothers me.

Who are you?

Hahaha, it's Jawwn, Lockie. xD

So I have a question. Or rather, an observation.

I know that demi-sexuality is when a person isn't "psychically" attracted to either gender unless they first form an emotional connection with them, a VERY strong emotional connection.

But for some reason, demi-sexuality seems to suggest that you are utterly indifferent to sexual orientation and that you are somewhat "bi-sexual" if you know what I mean.

This kind of bothers me, because I am most definitely attracted to men, but I also identify as demi-sexual.

So this confuses me.

FACT: Demi-sexuals are actually all natural-born dragon riders, simply looking for their dragon.

This is going to be a blog strictly for me to talk about my issues

I just feel like I wasn't able to truly speak my mind on my other blog, because several of my IRL had found it and there are some things I'm just no comfortable talking about while they're able to read it.

Even though my other blog was somewhat of a personal blog, this is like a personal personal blog.