"Pez ain't gonna dispense itself."

Real Overwatch Fact #715:

McCree’s left arm is also a Pez dispenser.

Submitted by anonymous.

My dad and I were talking about competitive gaming last night when I decided to show him Overwatch for the first time. I had brought my console over to play Rocket League with him, so I just booted up Overwatch instead to catch the OWL match that was on. We tuned into that for a couple of minutes so he could see the fanfare and listen to the running commentary. Then I showed him how objectives work in a custom game, and ran over some basics about character roles so he would have a bit more context as to what was going on before jumping into the perfect Quick Play.

It was defense on Numbani. Two of our teammates dropped out before the match, so it was me (Mercy) on the point with Genji and Hanzo. Our fourth player didn't pick until the last minute and we didn't get backfill until the point was under attack.

Genji constantly spammed for healing. Our Winston showed up after Hanzo died and placed a barrier over his corpse so I could safely resurect him, which I pointed out to Dad as exceptional teamwork that never happens to me. We lost the point soon after. I got a headshot elimination on Widowmaker at long range with my pea shooter, and held on to gold eliminations as Mercy for most of the match, which I pointed out to Dad as something that should probably not happen. The payload didn't stop until it was less than a meter away from goal. I switched to Moira for survival purposes. Ana, Winston and I held the point for about four minutes while Doomfist and the Shimada Bros flanked around, and somehow we won a game I had been convinced we were going to lose from the beginning.

I turned to Dad and laughed, "Well, that's basically Overwatch."

"Seems stressful," he said, legitimately impressed by my ability to withstand what must have appeared as ten minutes of uncoordinated chaos. I don't know how much he was able to understand, but clearly he got the point.

SOLDIER 76: Hey, Ana, wanna hear a joke?

ANA: I will allow it this once, Jack, because we go way back. Tell me this joke of yours.

SOLDIER 76: Reinhardt

ANA: ...

SOLDIER 76: ....

ANA: ... Aha... Ha.... Ha ha. Ha hA hA.

Ha Ha HA ha Ha ha HA

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

ANA: I get it. Because Reinhardt is the joke. You are a funny one after all, Jack.

The Overwatch short story we got in January confirmed two things: Soldier 76 has an ex-boyfriend. Soldier 76 and Ana both make jokes at Reinhardt’s expense. Follow me on twitter

ANA: Fareeha, what did you do to my rifle?

PHARAH: I didn't do anything. Why do you always blame me for everything?

ANA: Then why doesn't it work? I have been shooting at Reinhardt for what feels like days and he does not die.

PHARAH: Mom, Reinhardt's on our side.

ANA: Then why. Won't. He. Die?

I’m looking forward to the new “Reign of the Zenyattas” event, in which Zenyatta sacrifices himself to defeat a terrible villain and a number of impostors step up to fill the vacuum left behind by the most powerful hero in Overwatch canon.

SOLDIER 76: (Heavy World-Weary Sigh) Recruits, this is Symmetra. Symmetra, recruits. Anyone else I'm forgetting?

SOLDIER 76: Congratulations, you just inherited a war. Welcome to Overwatch. We’re all soldiers now.

D.VA: O-kay!

PHARAH: Acknowledged.

BRIGITTE: Understood.

LUCIO: I shOuLdn’T BE hErE! I’m JuST aN ARtiST! I SHouLDn’T BE HErE!!!

SOLDIER 76: Congratulations, you just inherited a war. Welcome to Overwatch. We're all soldiers now.

D.VA: O-kay!

PHARAH: Acknowledged.

BRIGITTE: Understood.

LUCIO: I shOuLdn'T BE hErE! I'm JuST aN ARtiST! I SHouLDn'T BE HErE!!!

Lucio, Reinhardt, and Mercy living their best lives in Paris.

Select Your Hero

MERCY: Alright, team! We've got this! I believe in you all! Let's get a nice, balanced roster, communicate, make good choices, and do our best!

HANZO: With every death, comes honor.

WIDOWMAKER: One shot. One kill.

MCCREE: Justice ain't gonna dispense itself.

ASHE: My business, my rules.

GENJI: Mi wo sutetemo, myouri wa sutezu.

SOLDIER 76: Soldier 76 reporting for duty.

HANZO: Wait a moment, what became of Mercy?

SOLDIER 76: She died and she hates you. Let's move out!

ANA: Why does everyone call me, "Grandma"? I am not a grandmother. I do not even have children.

PHARAH: Mom...

ANA: You will address me by rank, soldier. Respect your captain. And don't slouch.

O Torbjorn. O Torbjorn. How lovely are thy inventions.

You know what? I don’t feel like captioning this. It’s art. Art doesn’t need an explanation. It’s there to evoke a response.

My friends and I probably don’t respect McCree as much as he deserves.

Gamers really hate cancer

Screaming “Goatman” is my battle cry whenever I climb out of dangerous situations as Lucio, and now I want a satyr skin for him with hooves and some kind of pan flute gun.

So uhh, more video of a potential new hero? Thoughts? >.> 

I wrote about Symmetra and the changes Overwatch has made more broadly. Spoilers, I don’t like ‘em.