itsmeautievee
Viola's Veil
I'm Vee, a Semi-Closeted Autistic with ADHD. Writer. Performer. Podcaster. Parent. This is my journal. She/Her Pronouns, please.
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greatest-hair-in-rock
Greatest Hair in Rock
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Growing up, people always complimented my hair. Full of spiral waves, full of energy and life. My parents kept it long because of how much they loved it. In my old photos, l see a petite child with a t-shirt and leggings (a lifelong outfit choice) with a high ponytail and locks that would rival Rapunzel. . . But I don't remember enjoying my hair. I remember the weight, the pain of individual hair follicles pulling at my scalp as my hairbrush snags on a fairy knot that sending a rush of overwhelming signals through my tiny body. I feel my tears sting my face as the person brushing my hair says, "I barely touched you. Why are you crying?" in exasperated tones. . . I remember the headaches, the two hour wash days, how warm and uncomfortable I felt when my hair trapped my body heat. When my hair is long, even though everyone thinks I look beautiful, I feel tired and heavy. . . Even as an adult I am reminded of why I prefer to keep my hair short. The wake up call for me this time was when I woke up at 4am to my partner and my toddler asleep in our bed and I was unable to move. Lifting my head caused immense pain and restriction. Then I realized they were both asleep on it, and I wouldn't be able to move unless I pulled my own hair free. . . Two days after that happened, my partner suggested I book an appointment to cut my hair. I called @curlco and met @hiltonjanie. She was so wonderful, empathetic, and gave me a huge gift when she cut 12 inches of hair and styled a short shag. I asked for bangs, explaining how my hair kept wanting to fall in front of my face because of how it grows and it was frustrating having my hair in my eyes. She nodded, and said no worries. She not only met my sensory needs, she validated them. . . When I got my formal Autism diagnosis, I spent time unmasking at home. In the last year I've learned a lot about myself, including my sensory needs. It took time to accept, but I know my hair is not just a part of my identity or a way to express myself. . . My hairstyle helps me feel confident because I can focus on what I'm doing instead trying to figure out if my hair is causing me discomfort or pain. . . My hair style is a sensory need. https://www.instagram.com/p/CUZYBx8LEcy/?utm_medium=tumblr
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eating out in a pandemic:
hello! i am a service worker and i do actually understand going out to eat occasionally right now for special occasions or because you are on the brink of losing your mind! but here is the thing: please respect the service workers when you go as much as you can. here are some ways to do it:
*wear your masks when they come near you, meaning pop them on even if they are just asking how your meal is.
* i like to leave my hand sanitizer bottle on the table both because i am using it often and because i want the service workers to know i am for ease of mind.
* i always do this, but right now it’s more important. if you are at a place where you take your own dishes to the trash, do it! it’s not the time to be lazy. workers have to touch your dirty dishes. if you are not at a self serve place, please stack them appropriately for easy carry! this means larger plates all together on the bottom, then smaller, then smallest. a neat little pile. collect your trash and set it on top of your dishes for easy removal and tossing. believe me, this makes a huge difference! instead of touching multiple dishes to stack them ourselves or to dig out trash, we only have to touch one.
* tip. listen, right now, i am tipping even at fast food drive thrus. it’s a respect thing.
* speaking of drive thrus, wear your mask in them. it’s 10 seconds of your time versus the life of them and their loved ones.
basically - i am, to a degree, thankful that some people are still coming out to eat. it helps me maintain my job and income. but there is fear everywhere and there are customers who make it blatantly obvious they do not care about us, both by refusing to wear their masks and by pretty much saying it to our faces. the more people that make this easier, the better it will be and the safer it will be.
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I need to turn this into a show
I found a thread and decided… Hm… Maybe a need a little bit of sin afterall…
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I love all of this and this is the kind of story I want to see more of
I love drawing cute scenes.
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Autistic Artist Acceptance
Today is World Autism Acceptance Day and I have a few thoughts I wanted to share today.
I'm an actor. I have a very extensive resume, years of training. Storytelling is my special interest, a lifelong love that started as a love of reading. One day I got tired of watching the stories happen and decided I wanted to be a part of the story.
I'm also Autistic.
The problem for me, despite my long resume of lead roles, is that unless I'm direct booked or working on projects with friends, getting work is impossible.
I'm a good actor, but the inconsistencies in environments and casting processes make it very difficult for me to perform my best work. Vague instructions confuse me and asking for clarification in my normal vocal tone can sound combative to someone who doesn't know me well.
So to cope, I hide what makes me, well, me. I try to behave in a way that other people think is "normal" (that's called Masking). I prepare what I'll say and how I'll say it (including my vocal tones). But people see through it. They know is not me and think I'm not genuine.
The biggest role I was offered was for a 26 episode TV series. I appeared in 24 episodes. I was the only principal female actor on set. I was told "as soon as we saw you, we knew you were our actor."
After my diagnosis 6+ months ago, I looked back on the scripts and my performance. I realized I was offered the role because the character was Autistic coded, and because I am Autistic (albeit undiagnosed at the time) I got the role.
The character was a stereotypical overachieving nerd who was by the book and didn't know how to "let go". Most Autistic characters are some kind of stereotype of how people think Autistic people are or should be. Autistic coded characters are usually shown as scientists, or robots, or humanoid aliens, or savants. Never moms, or teachers, or princesses, or storytellers. Never Autistics of Color. They are usually also White males.
Autistic actors are usually passed over or ignored because we do things that people don't consider typical (like move our bodies too much or not enough, miss unscripted social cues or avoid eye contact). Autistic writers who want to create accurate representations of our experience are ignored or not consulted when studios create Autistic characters. Autistic people become caricatures, treated like props for the main character who is usually our caregiver (Like Raymond played by Dustin Hoffman in Rainman) or we're a punchline or nusiance (like Sheldon Cooper in Big Bang Theory).
I think as artists, it's our job to show the every facet of the human experience. Even the ones we don't consider typical. I think it's important to show the many ways one can fall in love, not just "hands touch, eyes meet".
One Autistic actress couldn't get work, so she wrote and starred in a short film called "A. S.imple D.ate". There are many other artists like her who want to be heard and seen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTVC5UdeItA
I am part of a Real Play Dungeons & Dragons Podcast where I play an Autistic character. She's basically me. After a few weeks of discussing our creative direction with our characters I made a very conscious decision with my Dungeon Master that my character Seeks would be a way for me to start to unmask and learn more about myself. Seeks is me if I didn't have anything holding me back. She's a firecracker and has shown me everything I could possibly be. If you're interested, you can find the podcast here. http://ampthecast.com/
April is Autism Acceptance Month. I encourage you to practice acceptance and start conversations with those around you about how we can elevate Autistic voices, especially Autistic voices of color.
#actuallyautistic#neurodiversity#neurodivergent#autistic#autistic woman#actor#autistic actor#writer#autistic writer#autism acceptance#autism awareness#autism#autistic artist#artist
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list of stims
becouse i realy love lists (sorry if this was done before) (please comment the ones i missed and I will add them!)
vestibular
jumping
spinning
standing on one leg/with crossed legs
rolling on the floor
shaking one's head fast
walking/standing on tiptoes
running/walking fastly
sliding on floor/ice/etc
bouncing
wiggling one's body
shifting weight from one leg to another
dancing
swinging on swings
spinning on a carousel/merry go round/etc
rocking back and forth/side to side
doing yoga/gymnastics
being upside down (hanging from bed/ doing a handstand/etc)
pacing
tactile
rubbing/scratching/touching/picking at one's skin
bouncing one's leg
touching objects with specific textures/temperatures (fur/spikes/metal/etc)
hand flapping
rolling object in one's hand/s
opening and closing fists
jiggling feet
twirling ones hair around finger
cracking one's joints (knuckles/neck/etc)
pulling out hair (trichotillomania)
touching/running hands through hair
grinding feet
auditory (a lot of these could also be tactile)
clicking pens
shaking maracas/packages of rice/etc
clapping
snapping fingers
listening to asmr/white nosie videos/specific songs/etc
tapping on objects in a rythm
cupping one's ears
making sounds close to one's ears (finger fluttering/etc)
oral
chewing one's nails/fingers/lips/clothes/pencils/etc
sucking thumbs/hair/clothes/jewelry/etc
putting objects in mouth and touching them with one's tongue
licking objects with specific texture (smooth/sharp/etc)
eating foods with specific texture (crunchy/mushy/crisp/etc)
putting on chapstick and moving your lips
touching one's teeth with tounge
making faces
grinding teeth
holding breath
licking lips
biting tongue
verbal (could also counts as auditory and/or oral)
repeating heard words, sentences and sounds (echolalia)
making unusual sounds randomly (aaaAAAaAaaa/dudududu/etc)
whistling
singing
humming
lip smacking
tongue clicking
clicking teeth in a rythm
visual
looking at bright lights (sun/flashlight/etc)
blinking fastly/in a rythm
wathing sparkly/holographic objects (glitter/sequins/jewels/etc)
waving one's hand in front of their eyes
lining up/sorting objects
watching something in the corner of one's eyes
looking at moving objects/animals (celling fan/fish in tank/hourglass)
turning a light source on and off (flashing)
olfactory
smelling one's or others body parts/clothes/food/ objects/ etc
smelling strong scents (nail polish remover/ gasoline/ perfume)
trying to smell very subtle smells
gustatory
eating foods with strong/light tastes
eating very slowly
licking objects/body parts to taste them
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Yale...Ya Done F*cked Up
CW: Child Abuse, Children in Distress
((Note: this is a live document where I am compiling information I receive so we can all have one point of reference regarding this situation. Thank you for your patience and understanding.))
I just learned today on TikTok about a really horrible study that was conducted at Yale University with little to no oversight. It's publication was promoted on 12/09/2020.
I wish I could say more than I have on this TikTok (link here bc Idk how to share TikToks right now). It’s a miracle I’m still speaking at all. I’m so angry.
For now, all I can do is compile all the data I have and where it can be found.
I learned this from TikTok creator RoobiRed. The first video I saw I pretty much summarized in my video. Their second video shows their sources and what they learned from reading the study. (Watch RoobiRed’s citation video here). The Tweet publicizing the study has been taken down and I do not have a screenshot, so if anyone has it, please reblog with it.
One of the commenters shared a link with a copy of the study. I haven’t been able to bring myself to read the whole thing. I’m going to be reading it and processing it slowly.
If you’re interested and have the spoons here is are two ways to read the study:
PDF Download (Thank you Sci-Hub)
Direct link to the official online publication
If you're looking for a funding paper trail here is a link from Ann Memmott on Twitter with one.
Many commenter asked "How can a study like this be approved??". AuTeach on TikTok explains in this video
What we can do:
Reach out to your local Autistic Led Advocacy organization (Usually a chapter of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network @autisticadvocacy)
Contact ORI (The Office of Research Integrity) and COPE (Committee on Publication Ethics)
Start a petition, or share one if you know about one. If you know of a petition in progress, please let me know and I will update the post and link it here.
Research should be conducted in an ethical manner. There are other ways to learn about how Autistic people manage anxiety without traumatizing babies.
Autistic people already have enough trauma in our lives. Don't traumatize us so you can “learn about us”. Ask us. We’re not your guinea pigs.
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I would love to play Cathy. The Last Five Years is one of my favorite musicals. I can't bring myself to watch the movie, though.
Lin Manuel Miranda and Jason Robert Brown are my 2 favorite musical composers.
not to be sad about the last five years in 2020 but i’m thinking bout jaime proposing to cathy and cathy immediately listing out all her flaws and………. a bitch is ready to cry
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Ok so I've been processing this whole thing with Sia that has completely blown up the Autistic community and I'm just still struggling a lot with it both from the perspective of a performer and an Autistic person.
I think the part that makes it ten times harder for me is that I'm a POC.
I have the talent but have continued to be rejected by productions. Mostly people tell me to not take it personally, but because of my trauma of being pressured by my family to fit in their box and please them, I have RSD up to my eyeballs. And I'm Autistic. I feel everything so much more intensely. Especially rejection.
And most of the time I am overlooked because I'm too short, too brown, not brown enough, too athletic looking, etc. People tell me I have the talents of a leading lady, but won't cast me as one. The only time I got cast as a lead I was in Mexico, surrounded by other people who looked like me.
So I have all these other things that are going against me, and then to see an icon that a community has rallied around and felt seen by COMPLETELY INVALIDATE AND GASLIGHT THEM it's like the nail in the coffin for me. An openly Autistic actor is being played by a neurotypical actor, making a mockery of us by shoving this character into a stereotype, and then having the audacity to tell the Autistic actors who responded to her with "if you needed an Autistic actor here I am and I would have been available on short notice" that "maybe you're not getting jobs because you're a bad actor" has just decimated me.
And like I've been thinking "I want to show people that I'm talented and have abilities. I can sing, I can act. I can't dance the way I used to, but I love it so much. I want to share that."
At the same time, I am so scared because I feel like people will hate me and I won't fit in no matter what I do or show them. And I know that's my impostor syndrome and my RSD, but just because I know what it is doesn't mean I can magically make it go away.
Even my body feels this way. Because I just realized today, when I sing along to a cast album, I can nail any song, sing freely and well, but as soon as I put on an instrumental and try to sing that same way, my body won't do it. Not that it can't. It won't. Not without so much focus that I don't have the energy to replicate it a second time.
Which explains a lot about why my work is so disconnected. Why my body and my mind can't seem to work together. But it barely makes sense to me. So I don't know how much deeper I can explain this.
I'm just tired of having to constantly prove that I'm worthy of taking up space in the world of storytelling.
#I don't know how to tag this#actually autisitic#autistic women#Actor#Writer#podcasting#aritsts on tumblr#rejection sensitive dysphoria#BIPOC#representation matters
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TIL that death metal makes it difficult af for me to focus. My partner loves it and it is just making me shut dooooown
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Minor ADHD Annoyances
Can't watch tv without doing something with my hands. Okay that's fine i'm used to it.
Can't concentrate on anything else if the tv's going. Annoying, hypocritical brain. Choose! Do you want it or not?
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