irat-that-s-me - Tumblr blog

irat-that-s-me · 1 day

Text

(assigned listening for this is Orange Juice by Noah Kahan)

Eddie’s not really sure what to expect when he knocks on the door.

Admittedly it’s kind of a risky play. He had twelve dollars and a plastic yellow chip in his pocket when he hailed the cab. Now he’s closer to five bucks, just enough to get himself a meal for the night if not a place to stay. Which is part of the reason why it was worth the risk to come here, over six months after he left.

“Oh my god,” Steve says when he opens the door.

Eddie tries to smile, but he’s pretty sure it comes out as an awkward grimace. He offers a dorky little wave and then flinches back as Steve rushes him. But he’s not swinging or shoving or anything hostile, even though Eddie would deserve it. Instead, he’s grabbing Eddie up into the world’s tightest hug, breathing shakily in his ear, and muttering,

“Thank god you’re okay.”

He feels bigger than Eddie remembers, stronger and larger and safer. He’s not sure if it’s just because he’s missed him so much, or if it’s because Eddie has lost a lot of weight. Still, he’s not stupid enough to question it or draw attention to it. He just presses into that warm hold and buries his face in Steve’s neck, breathing in the familiar, comforting smell of his shampoo and subtle cologne.

“I thought you’d be mad,” he says after several long minutes of clinging to each other in the doorway.

It has to be said. Eddie would be pissed, if their situations were reversed. Eddie would probably have slammed the door in his own face. But Steve has always been kinder than that, at least as long as Eddie’s really known him.

“I’m furious,” Steve says, his voice choked with barely restrained tears. “I could kill you. But I’m just so glad you’re alive.”

He pulls away, making Eddie go cold with loss immediately, and looks him over, big hands grasping Eddie’s bony shoulders.

“Where the hell have you been?” he demands.

“The bottom of a hole,” Eddie admits sheepishly. “I was sleeping under the bridge over by seventh avenue, but they cleared the encampment out last night.”

He pulls the little plastic chip out of his pocket and shows it to Steve. It feels a little stupid, showing it off like a trophy. It’s basically worthless, except that Eddie worked so goddamn hard for it that sometimes it feels like an olympic medal.

“Two months of sobriety,” Steve says, his eyes flicking over the words on the chip. “Eds, that’s…I’m so proud of you.”

The fuzz of pride fills him, even as guilt tries to smother it. Steve is the last person he should be going to now, the last person he should be searching for approval from. But Wayne is too far away, and Eddie has been too ashamed to look him in the face anyway.

“You’re even skinnier than the last time I saw you,” Steve says, brow wrinkling with concern. “Have you eaten? Are you hungry? I made spaghetti for dinner, there’s leftovers.”

“I could eat,” Eddie says, as his stomach growls audibly.

Steve steps back as if to invite him in, and then hesitates. Eddie doesn’t blame him.

“Just…give me a sec, okay?”

He closes the door gently in Eddie’s face. Eddie waits, wondering if this is some kind of test, and then hears the gentle tinkle of bottles clashing together through the door. He breathes out with sudden understanding that Steve is hiding the booze. He might have been offended a few months ago, but now he’s just grateful.

Steve opens the door and ushers him inside with a smile as if everything is normal. Eddie sits at the tiny kitchen table, a little round thing with a scratched surface and three mismatched chairs, and watches as Steve bustles around warming up the leftover pasta. It strikes him, suddenly, how comfortable he feels here in this place that used to be his home.

That chip in the formica countertop is from when Steve grabbed a hot pot in the wrong place and dropped it in surprise. The splat of red on the ceiling is from when they were making chili and Eddie started talking with his hands and accidentally flung the wooden spoon upward. There’s a patched hole in the wall from when Robin tripped over her own shoelaces and smacked her forehead into the drywall.

This was a home they made together. A home he’d made unsafe, and had to abandon.

Steve gives him a Coke with his food, and Eddie is more than happy to dig in enthusiastically, eating too much too fast until he’s feeling a little ill. Only when he puts his fork down does Steve fix him with a serious look.

“As happy as I am to see that you’re alive,” he says, “And as proud of you as I am for the progress you’ve made, we need to talk.”

“I know,” Eddie says, looking down at the table in shame. “I know. I…I’m sorry I came here. I shouldn’t have, I just…didn’t really know where else to go.”

Steve heaves out a sigh. “Eddie, you are always welcome here. No matter what, okay? I didn’t make you leave.”

And that’s true. Steve had been nothing if not supportive and worried. He’d only ever tried to help, and Eddie had resented him for it. He’d hated the way Steve spoke to him softly, imploringly, trying to warn him he was going down a bad path without upsetting him. But Eddie hadn’t wanted to hear it. He’d thought he’d had it under control, he’d thought that he would see the point of no return before he got there. He’d been too drunk to see he’d passed it weeks ago.

“No,” Eddie agrees, “You didn’t. But after what I did, I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see me again.”

“It wasn’t your fault--” Steve starts, and Eddie shakes his head quickly.

“No, it was,” he says. “That’s part of my program, you know. Admitting that the things I did to hurt others were my choice. And what I did to you is the worst of it. Because I love you so much, and if I could do that to someone I love--”

He still dreams about it. Dwells on it at night before he manages to fall asleep. The way Steve had begged him to just try not drinking for a couple of days, and the way Eddie had scoffed and told him it wasn’t a problem. He could quit whenever he wanted.

And Steve had raised his chin in challenge and dared him to stop right then. And Eddie had been so fucking angry. Partly because he felt attacked, but mostly because even then he’d been a little bit aware that he couldn’t. He’d been lying to himself, and everyone else, but something deep in him knew.

And he’d lashed out, put his hands on Steve’s chest and shoved him into the wall with all his strength. It wasn’t a punch or a slap, but it had felt good and powerful and in a moment he’d gone from satisfied to sick. He’d remembered what it felt like to be on the other side of that, nine years old with his back pressed to a wall with nowhere to run, his arms thrown up to protect his head, his mother towering over him with slurred words and hatred in her eyes.

He’d gone from self-righteous and angry and powerful to horrified in a moment. And then Steve had put his hands up placatingly and apologized. Eddie had lashed out at him in violence and Steve had apologized.

And in that moment he couldn’t stand to be there another second. He’d left with only the clothes on his back, and he hadn’t been back since.

Until now.

“I got in your face,” Steve was saying gently. “I knew you weren’t in a good place, and I was pushing you.”

“That’s not a good enough reason for me to shove you around,” Eddie insists. “It wasn’t your fault. You were trying to help, and I didn’t want it. And I’m sorry, Steve. I’m so, so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Steve says gently.

“It’s not--”

“I forgive you,” Steve interrupts, “You can accept that, can’t you?”

Eddie wants to argue with him. Wants to poke and prod until he gets angry, lashes out, maybe shoves him back, or worse. But intimacy avoidance is one of his coping things, apparently, and he knows that he likes to provoke people until they leave him, so that he can put all the blame on someone else. Therapy at the free clinic is a hell of a drug.

“I can accept that,” Eddie says slowly. “Thank you. It won’t happen again.”

“I believe you,” Steve says. “And Eddie…you know I love you, too, right?”

He’d be a liar if he said that it didn’t surprise him. Steve had loved him, sure, but now? All this time and pain later? But then, Steve had always been like that, hadn’t he? He gave himself over completely, unflinchingly, even when it was clear that it wasn’t in his own best interest.

“I know,” he says quietly.

“But things can’t be what they were before,” Steve continues, and Eddie feels his heart break. He knows that this makes sense. He knows that this is what he deserves, and that Steve would be insane to still want to be with him after everything. But it still feels like something inside him is being torn out to hear it.

“I know,” Eddie says, twisting his fingers together on the table top. “I didn’t…I wasn’t expecting anything. I just thought maybe I could stay here one night--”

“That’s not what I meant,” Steve says, reaching out to take one of Eddie’s hands in his, smiling softly when Eddie starts fiddling with his fingers instead. “I mean…we can’t just pick up where we left off. We have to figure this out. And…we should probably do it really slowly. I think you’re still in a really fragile place.”

Eddie looks up at him, eyebrows rising.

“You mean you’d give me another chance?”

He can hardly believe it. He knows he doesn’t deserve it. If he were a better man he’d probably walk away and not put all this on Steve again. Not let him be that self-sacrificial martyr that he so loves to be, taking on all of Eddie’s bullshit. But he’s never been very good, and the one thing that he knows for sure right now is that he loves Steve with all his heart.

“Yeah,” Steve says, squeezing Eddie’s fingers gently. “Of course. But it has to be slow and careful, okay? We can’t share the bedroom, and I don’t think we should be having sex right now, and--”

Eddie nods quickly. He’s a little relieved, if he’s being honest. The idea of trying to step back in where he’d been a year ago seems daunting and almost impossible. Almost enough to drive a guy to drink.

But slow and careful seems like a speed he can handle.

“Maybe we can just do little stuff,” he suggests. “Holding hands and cuddling and stuff?”

“Like middle school,” Steve agrees with a smile. “Can I kiss you on the head, if the feeling strikes?”

Eddie nods earnestly, blushing like a schoolgirl at the thought of Steve’s hand in his hair, his lips on his forehead. How safe and loved that makes him feel. Steve smiles back and picks up his plate, brings it over to the sink.

“I’ll get the sofa bed set up for you,” he says finally, “And you can take a shower. That okay?”

“Sounds perfect,” Eddie agrees. “I don’t suppose you kept any of my stuff?”

Steve looks at him over the shoulder, a bitchy, judgmental face in place. Eddie smiles.

“It’s all where you left it,” he says.

240 notes · View notes

irat-that-s-me · 3 days

Text

Look I'm not that into crossovers but the comedic potential of both Hob and Merlin teaching history with different time periods as their focus, and generally they are used to people getting some stuff, well, wrong, and they are also both way too familiar with all manners of appearing like they are ageing, so they would both absolutely notice that, huh, that other mid-30 Prof in the history department for one has very strong, slightly weird opinions on history that are way more relatable than they should be, and also they seem to age in leaps and jumps, and just - both of them constantly side-eyeing each other until something happens and they are just recreating the spiderman meme. And honestly you can go on with all the "Ah yes I'm waiting for King Arthur," and "well I'm waiting for - actually I don't know what their name is but, you know," and Merlin would probably kind of know about the concept of the Endless, and yeah. I don't know where I'm going with this or if I'm even going to write it (unlikely cause again, not that into crossovers tbh) but I'm also having this very amusing mental image of Merlin eventually going off on Dream for making Hob wait, much to Hob's eternal mortification, Dream pulling the shocked pikachu face, and Merlin not giving two shits because he has, after all, been mouthing off to kings since he was 18 thank you very much.

#xover #arthur pendragon #merlin #hob #the sandman

645 notes · View notes

irat-that-s-me · 3 days

Text

😳 <- this emoji but without the blush or romantic connotation. im not blushing im staring you directly in your fucking eyes

#internet old

201K notes · View notes

irat-that-s-me · 3 days

Text

maybe this is an unpopular opinion but even when i'm absolutely obsessed with characters, i don't care at all about the actors who play them. they're just people, why are y'all putting them on a pedestal.

9K notes · View notes

irat-that-s-me · 4 days

Text

You don't understand there's a part of me that wants Alfred Pennyworth to never age but there's another part that's like

As Alfred grows older his body grows tired and everyone notices. And for Bruce that's his surrogate father. For everyone else that's Grandpa. Immediately there's a secret boot camp in the Batcave for everyone to start learning how to better care for themselves. Selina Kyle assisting of course.

There's already disability accommodations for Barbara so they just need to tweak and add some stuff. They've learned from her needs and start researching on how to care for the elderly for Alfred specifically.

On paper he's still a butler but really everyone (who lives or stays for a long time in Wayne manor) makes sure they learn how to do the hardwork for themselves. Most of his job is just to be there for them honestly. They insist on doing things for themselves.

But Alfred is Alfred. So he knows what's going on. And he's so deeply proud of them. He doesn't let him do anything he insists he can or wants do himself. He's still his own person after all, and they gradually learn his boundaries and patterns.

Bruce keeps paying him but not in a way you'd pay a butler usually. More in a way where you'd send money to your retired parents.

Do you see my vision?

#batman #dc #albert pennyworth

6K notes · View notes

irat-that-s-me · 5 days

Text

4K notes · View notes

irat-that-s-me · 6 days

Text

Trying my hand at this Apollo thing

Putting my predictions for 7x07-7x10 here just so I have a record so I can look back later and see if I was right.

We're gonna get a time skip at some point, a couple of months or even more. Possibly before the next episode (Maddie has a new haircut in the trailer and Chim looks all healed up). I think they want the two in-progress relationships (Eddie and Marisol, and Buck and Tommy) to be further along for...reasons.

The character from Bobby's past is either his brother, or the character played by Malcoln-Jamal Warner (Brad, according to IMDB), or both. Brad is someone who suffered because of the apartment fire that killed Bobby's family but he does not let them know that yet because he is there for REVENGE. Bobby thinks he's just dealing with his brother. Family history is drug up.

SOMETHING goes down with the Diaz family. Best bet? Abuela's health. This causes something of a crisis in Eddie's relationship. Another possibility: Chris has a CP-related medical crisis. This causes the will to be brought up (this is supported by reports that Oliver filmed with all the Diaz family members including Helena and Ramon). This might also cause something of a crisis in Eddie's relationship.

The Helicopter Chaos Squad, all five of them, are awarded medals (we've seen BTS of this ceremony and LFJR wearing a medal and a dress uniform, plus Eddie, Hen and Chim also in dress uniform). Bobby is proud and bestows the medals on them.

We see more hints that Buck is considering moving as the loft is getting too expensive. We've already seen a few.

Brad is plotting Revenge when he figures out who Bobby is. He stalks him and sees how close he is to his fire family. He is bitter that Bobby is still a firefighter.

There's a gathering at Buck's place, maybe post-medal ceremony? Most of the fam is there. Brad torches the building and they are all trapped. Bobby is able to, this time, save his family and get closure from the previous fire. But he gets, like, smoke inhalation hence hospital gown.

Whoops, Buck has no place to live, good thing he currently has a boyfriend and look at that, he's been established to have a significant house situation (with a lift and a muay thai gym), what a coinkidink. (I know people want him to move in with Eddie but like...where. He's gonna sleep on the couch for months?) He moves in with Tommy (I'd been predicting they'd do some end-of-season gesture of Increased Commitment) they possibly say "I love you" and we are all undone by it.

Eddie and Marisol break up because whatever. He and Buck have some heartfelt best friend scenes and we are all undone by them.

The body bag we've seen is Brad, who died in the fire he set, possibly in a confrontation with Bobby, probably by falling from a height in the best Disney villain tradition.

Abuela dies. We are all...well, you know.

44 notes · View notes

irat-that-s-me · 7 days

Text

Every member of the party at some point: I am full of rage and dangerously stupid, but Steve is holding me back by the scruff of my neck like a kitten.

2K notes · View notes

irat-that-s-me · 8 days

Text

People reacting to Buck and Tommy:

Them reacting back:

#bucktommy

3K notes · View notes

irat-that-s-me · 8 days

Text

#husband behavior

#buddie #911 #husbands

5K notes · View notes

irat-that-s-me · 10 days

Text

tired: mermaids are all women

wired: much like elves, merfolk are mistaken by sailors for being all women because they have long hair and are very pretty

#mermaid #genderqueer

181K notes · View notes

irat-that-s-me · 10 days

Text

Watterson pulled no punches

#calvin and hobbes #bill watterson #humour

37K notes · View notes

irat-that-s-me · 11 days

Text

Sorry I'm late.

#911 spoilers #bucktommy #evan buckley #bisexuality

5K notes · View notes

irat-that-s-me · 14 days

Text

when i say i like hiking, i don’t mean “eight mile backpacking trip with special gear and an emergency beacon” sort of hiking, i mean a three mile loop to go look at pretty things and then a huge brunch after.

#yesss hobbit hiking #hiking #you understand me

68K notes · View notes

irat-that-s-me · 14 days

Text

yes this!

as a non -writer only reader I want to encourage all writers and authors of stories I read because I REALLY appreciate the time and love put into the stories. And you are sharing it with us, with me!

But especially as non-native speaker and non-writer I am anxious (and I am genereally not an anxious person) to find the right words to try to encourage and to sginal I would like to read more (if incomplete) without being pushy. Because I want to be nice!! Just not good with words...

So maybe - could we/you try to read comments in good faith?

not to be controversial bc I know this is like…not in line with shifting opinions on fanfic comment culture but if there’s a glaring typo in my work I will NOT be offended by pointing it out. if ao3 fucks up the formatting…I will also not be offended by having this pointed out…

‘looking forward to the next update’ and ‘I hope you update soon!’ are different vibes than a demand, and should be read in good faith because a reader is finding their way to tell you how much they love it. I will not be mad at this.

‘I don’t usually like this ship but this fic made me feel something’ is also incredibly high praise. I’m not going to get mad at this.

even ‘I love this fic but I’m curious about why you made [x] choice’ is just another way a reader is engaging in and putting thought into your work.

I just feel like a lot of authors take any comment that’s not perfectly articulated glowing praise in the exact manner they’re hoping to receive it in bad faith.

fic engagement has been dropping across the board over the last several years, and yes it’s frustrating but it isn’t as though I can’t see how it happens. comment anxiety can be a real thing. the last thing anyone wants to do is offend an author they love, and that means sometimes people default to silence.

idk where I’m going with this I guess aside from saying unless a comment is outright attacking me I’m never going to get mad at it, and I think a lot of authors should feel the same way. ESPECIALLY TYPOS PLZ GOD POINT OUT MY TYPOS.

#faith in humanity #ao3 #commenting #comment culture #obviously there will be outlier #because there are always gonna be assholes #but lets try to keep faith and thinkn there are less assholes then there could be

25K notes · View notes