Celebrations after spacecraft successfully lands on Kim Kardashian's bum

The European Space Agency (ESA) is today celebrating one its proudest achievements to date, as it managed to land its Philae spacecraft on one of the largest objects in the solar system, Kim Kardashian’s bum.

The spacecraft will report on activity from Kim Kardarshian’s bum as part of a special 24/7 live Keeping up with Kardashian’s which will be broadcast around the world every day until Kanye West realises.

Millions of viewers are expected to tune in so they can mindlessly stare at Kim Kardashian’s bum for 24 hours a day with limited interruption from their wives or girlfriend.

Fans on Twitter were delighted with the news, with one fan (KIMFAN247) claiming “we dnt see enuff of Kim so dis is sumting dat is needed 4 mankind.” Another fan (REGularmasturbater) exclaimed “YEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHH BOOOOOOOIIIIIIIII! Dis shit is real!!!!”

Kim Kardashian, not one for cheap publicity, claimed that she agreed to the landing for the “good of science”, and to bring her closer to her legion of fans, also known as chronic masturbators or mindless retards.

An ESA spokesperson said: “Putting a spacecraft on Kim Kardashian has been a long time coming, as we seek new ways to explore her bum rather than just through photos on the internet, TV and that tape...not that I've watched it. A friend said something about it....." 

Flood crisis deepens as failure to organise piss-up in brewery revealed

The flood crisis sweeping the UK has taken another dramatic turn after it was revealed that prior to the floods both the Environment Agency and Government had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery.

The failed attempt at organising a piss-up in a brewery took place in Summer 2013 where both the Environment Agency and government officials would discuss plans for flood defense systems across the UK.

Unfortunately the event was a disaster, with Environment Agency gold officials, who were in charge of proceedings, failing to show up. Despite this no-show, the Chairman Lord Smith insisted that these 'gold officials' were there and in charge of the situation.

The event also failed to be staged in a brewery and failed to have a steady stream of alcohol traditionally associated with a 'piss-up.' The lack of alcohol was down to the length of time it would've taken to clean up any potential spillages, with no contingency plan in place from both Government and the Environment Agency.

The only positive at the event were the canapes; however, these were swiftly eaten by Eric Pickles who then pinned blame on Environment Agency officials when they vanished.

Environment Secretary Owen Paterson, who was questioned about canapes, stated that "he was sceptical about the existence of such canapes" and if canapes were there then he felt that "there were other contributing factors associated with the existence and disappearance of these canapes." 

Eric Pickles and Owen Paterson were two of several MPs that attended the disastrous event. When told about the lack of media interest and potential photo opportunities high-level ministers chose to stay away, deciding instead to find a puppy or baby seal that they could cradle until someone took a picture.

Badger cull after "mash potato epidemic"

UK government has ordered the start of a badger cull after of a nationwide mash potato shortage.

The shortage, described as an epidemic by over-exaggerators, is being blamed on badgers as "everybody knows badger loves mashed potato."

The greedy badgers have led to households across the UK being unable to add mash potato to many British culinary delights, such as sausages and mash, chicken and mash and fish and mash.

Badger's sidekick, Bodger, is said to be devastated and has promised the UK government that Badger will return any stolen mash potato to stop the cull from happening.

Bodger said, "Everybody knows Badger loves mash potato. He is sorry for his actions and is even prepared to go into rehab to help beat his unhealthy addiction to mash potato and over mashed foods."

However, environment secretary Owen Patterson's mind is made up, with him ordering the cull after preparing sausages and gravy, only to find there was no mash potato left. Sources from inside DEFRA claim that this is what "pushed him over the edge."

In a statement Patterson said, "We know that Bodger and Badger are never far away and will make sure we find Badger and his mash potato to set an example."

Opponents of the cull and fans of the hit 90s kids show have stated that they will fight UK government's plans and also worried that the cull will be spread to mice who are being blamed for the growing cheese shortage.

A spokesperson for the opponent group said, "Trying to cull Badger is one thing, but attempting to cull Mousey, who has an obvious cheese problem, will really be taking things too far."

George Osborne strikes deal with wank bank

Chancellor George Osborne has agreed a deal with the wank bank that will force them to start lending again.

The wank bank had refused to lend back sexual and arousing images that men had stored leading to very tense siuations.

The news will be a welcome relief to men that had numerous images stored in the wank bank but were unable to use them, with many having to rely on internet pornography due to the lack of lending.

The wank bank works by allowing men to transfer sexual images of the opposite sex into the system. It then lends back the images when required at a later date. However, during the economic downturn lending has come to a standstill. 

George Osborne said, "I like many others had previously relied on the wank bank to get me through difficult and tiresome days. However, since the economic crisis, the wank bank has refused to lend, leaving many men angry, frustrated and constantly on edge."

"I believe this deal will signal the start of a fairer banking system, which allows increased lending and increased wanking."

However, many still believe the move doesn't go fair enough, with some arguing that bankers are wanking away to their saved images all the time, but not allowing others to take part in similar activities.

One person said, "The wanker bankers are constantly wanking away to everything we've saved, but I still feel incredibly restrictive, often wanking only once, maybe twice a month because of the limitations on my wank bank account.

Public dismay is likely to increase as the wank bank announces big wank bonuses, despite millions of lost customer images that bankers wanked away to in 2012.

Redknapp signs Rosie for relegation dog fight

QPR manager Harry Redknapp has pulled off a transfer coup by signing old favourite Rosie the Dog for the season run-in.

QPR have experienced a troublesome season and currently sit at the bottom of the Premier League. However, Redknapp believes that Rosie has a great "footballing pedigree" that will spur QPR onto better things.

At her old club Portsmouth, Rosie the Dog was one of the highest earners but performed miracles for both the club and her manager. Even managing to get Redknapp off scot-free for financial irregularities during his time at Pompey.

Redknapp said: "The battle to survive is a dog-eat-dog world but we've managed to sign a player with real bite, I mean fight. I've never seen a player chase a ball with such enthusiasm - that's exactly what this club needs. We've had to pay top money for Rosie, but I'll be handling all of her finances so I know we've got a good deal."

The news of Rosie the Dog's signing comes at the same time as QPR  have announced that Tendai Biti, Zimbabwe's finance minister, will be the club's new financial advisor.

Biti, who recently announced that Zimbabwe has £138 left in the bank, is said to be the perfect person to advise QPR on their future player acquisitions and global development of the club.

Speaking about the appointment QPR Chairman Tony Fernandes said: "We've made some great signings recently, such as Samba, Remy and Rosie the Dog, but what we really need going forward is some more sound financial advice from an experienced professional such as Biti."

During his first week, Biti is planning to spend the money starting the Mugabe football academy in Zimbabwe which will search for the best talent that the country has to offer. 

Rumours of the academy actually being a death camp for dissident Zimbabweans has been swiftly denied by Fernandes who said: "We've signed Samba and Remy paying them both over £80,000 a week, do you really think we would really be that stupid?!"

Mass confusion after Gay marriage passed

Millions of pure-minded members of the UK public have been left dumbstruck and confused after gay marriage was passed in a commons vote. The hysteria and panic which has resulted from the bill being passed has led to those who voted against the bill saying "This is exactly what I predicted."

The sheer confusion over the concept of allowing men to marry men has led to worrying situations developing. Teachers are unable to explain this properly to the children they teach. Instead male teachers have started bumming each other in classes while speaking to pupils to try and explain why one man would want to marry another. This is exactly what the MPs who voted against gay marriage predicted.

In addition members of the UK public have started turning up to churches and registry offices with their pets in an attempt to get married to them. One person that turned up with his beloved pet hamster said:  "If Gays love each other, they get to marry each other. But when a man loves his pet, they don't get to marry each other. It doesn't make sense!"  This is exactly what the MPs who voted against gay marriage predicted.

Others have prepared for the end of mankind amidst the passing of Gay marriage. They claim that "if everyone was gay then mankind will cease to exist", something that has become increasingly more likely following the passing of gay marriage. This is exactly what the MPs who voted against gay marriage predicted.

Religious figures have started barricading themselves in churches to protect the Church from gay marriage. The likelihood of the church folding because of gay marriage being passed has increased ten-fold, so religious leaders are on high alert and is probably why the Pope resigned, nothing to do with age. This is exactly what the MPs who voted against gay marriage predicted.

And the confusion hasn't just been happening within the UK public and the church, even same sex couples that have recently married are confused. Because adultery has not been defined as a legitimate reason for divorce or separation, married gay couples are becoming absolutely rampant in their sexual activity with others. This is exactly what the MPs who voted against gay marriage predicted.

One Tory MP who voted against the bill said: "What's happened in the past week is confirmation of our worst fears. Unfortunately the idea of people of the same sex marrying because they love each other is a difficult and confusing concept for many leading to more problems than solutions. This is why teachers are bumming each other, people are trying to marry pets, the end of mankind is inevitable, the church is likely to fold and the gays are more promiscuous then ever. All things that we predicted would happen!"

Adam Sandler arrested over missing Al Pacino

Adam Sandler has today been charged with the death of a missing Al Pacino after he mysteriously vanished following Sandler's film Jack and Jill.

The film, in which Al Pacino plays himself and subsequently falls in love with Adam Sandler dressed as a woman, was the last time that anyone saw the film star made famous for his Oscar winning performances prior to Jack and Jill.

Following extensive investigations Sandler was arrested after police found evidence that the comedy actor wanted to ruin Pacino's career by convincing him to star in the truly awful Jack and Jill.

In a statement, local police said: "Adam Sandler is the reason that Al Pacino has been missing from our screens for so long. We see no reason why Al Pacino would want to be in a film where he falls in love with Adam Sandler in drag. There must've been some dark forces in play from Sandler to convince Pacino that Jack and Jill was a good idea. We will immediately begin questioning Sandler in the hope that he'll tell us why Mr Pacino has been missing for so long."

Despite Adam Sandler's arrest, police have continued to search for Al Pacino in the hope that he'll return to our screens once again. Local police forces have used Pacino fans as bait to convince the actor that they forgive him for Jack and Jill.

One super-Pacino fan said: "Please come back Pacino. We know Jack and Jill wasn't really your idea. Let's just forget about it. I already have. Fucking Adam Sandler!"

Another fan: "To me you'll always be Tony Montana or Michael Corleone and not the man that falls in love with a female Adam Sandler, in a film so bad that I felt like gouging my eyeballs out with a spoon."

In light of Adam Sandler's arrest, filming has stopped on his latest 'laugh-fest' known as 'Carl: Prom Queen' in which Sandler stars as a post-op transsexual who was a former prom queen and who returns as a teacher to his high school to much hilarity. 

British Duo Become World's Fattest Couple After New Year's Resolution Failure

A British Couple have been confirmed as the world's fattest couple today after their New Year's resolutions spectacularly backfired.

Like most deluded people, Mr. and Mr. Pie saw fit to try and drastically change their lives at the turning of the New Year.  They even credited themselves as being even more determined to succeed when they realised that January 1st 2013 was a Tuesday, in full knowledge that all diets and health kicks officially begin on a Monday.

Mr. Pie pointed out that the aim was simple; 'my wife and I wanted to lose 2 stone before the end of January so that we could get our lives back on track and feel proper sexy and that.  We don't like exercise and not drinking, so we made a few dietary changes and expected the weight to just melt away.'

In order to achieve this target, Mrs. Pie outlined the changes to the couple's diet that would garner such glory: 'we both agreed to cut out Mars bars completely, and cut our Kit Kats from 7 a day to 2.  We didn't eat any M&M's after 8 p.m. and introduced Bounty's as a substitute for breakfast and lunch because of the health benefits of coconut.  Biscuits were cut down from 20 a day to 10 and we shared a cheescake at desret instead of having one each.  We also cut out breakfast, lunch and dinner and just ate Special K.  We still drank shitloads of wine and beer, though, but liquids don't count because you piss them back out again.'

However, disaster struck on January 5th when the couple weighed themselves in for the first time.  In the eternity since January 1st, the couple had only dropped a measly 4lb between them.  Distraught and devastated that their rigorous regime and life of sacrifice had warranted no reward, the couple went on an eating binge that will now enter British legend.

After six days of non-stop eating and boozing, Mr. and Mrs. Pie finally came up for air, sweating and wheezing in a battlefield of pizza boxes, discarded donuts, gnawed chicken bones and a factory's worth of chocolate wrappers.  When all was said and done, Mr. and Mrs. Pie weighed a combined weight of 1.7 tons, classing them comfortably above certain species of whale and officially classifying them as a threat to the public's sunlight.

As word of the couple's achievement spreads, rumours are rife that they will soon be appearing as special guests in Celebrity Big Brother.  The anticipated public reaction of 'who?' has reportedly not deterred the shows producers as this should make them indiscernible from all of the other contestants.

Orwellian Themed Parties A Hit At New Year

As the year of 2012 reaches it's final hours, billions of people around the world have been frantically wracking their brains in an age old conundrum: how best to see out the old year, and welcome in the new, in the most tedious, soul destroying fashion?

According to current sales figures, the demand for 'Orwellian Themed Parties' on New Year's Eve has risen sharply this year, with nearly 30% more taking place in Britain compared to last year, and a whopping 55% more taking place globally.

George Fawes-Smiley, CEO of Tedium Industries, the leading provider of Orwellian Themed Parties, claims that; 'for centuries now, people across the world have always wanted to witness the changing of the years in cramped and crowded environments, filled with strangers or people they don't particularly like, all of whom are drunk beyond comprehension.  Naturally, the smell of all forms of human discharge must lay think in the air.  For this night of media constructed hell, people are willing to pay extortionate prices.'

Fawes-Smiley went on to describe how the most popular theme night, 'The Amazeballs Night', pans out: 'Firstly, people are advised to start drinking at home before they attend because it can take up to 30 minutes to order a drink at the bar for the duration of the night, so it is essential to be drunk on arrival.  An over priced taxi will suffice.  Essentially, people then stand around for a few hours, shoulder to shoulder, bumping into each other, spilling overpriced drinks, eating over priced food, arguing, fighting, crying and shagging in the toilets.  Everyone starts screaming at midnight, and then the crying and fighting resumes and everyone goes home, presumably via an overpriced taxi.  It's like any other night of the year except ten times more expensive and nowhere near as fun.  But this is what people are told is a fun New Year's Eve, and the people believe it, so we just give them what they want.  Tickets start at £250 per person and we recommend buying a new outfit for the evening, anything between £150 - £200.' When asked what his New Year's Eve plans were, Mr Fawes-Smiley stated that he 'will be staying in with his family and some close friends, having a few drinks and a meal while playing some games; it will be the best night of the year WOOO WOOOOO! NEW YEAR! WOOO!'

Ears demand human rights in run-up to new Chris Brown album

The ears of millions of people across Europe are demanding that their rights get recognised by the European Court of Human Rights in the run-up to Chris Brown's latest album set to be launched in 2013.

If ears get their rights recognised by the European Courts then this will see Chris Brown's new album banned on the grounds that it's "offensive to ears." 

The move could be a unique moment in the history of music with many other artists set to banned on similar grounds that their music is "offensive to ears." These include Drake, Lil Wayne, J-Lo, Nickelback and STEPS, amongst many.

A spokesperson for ears said: "For the past ten years, ears have been forced to listen to truly appalling music, with their rights never being considered by their owners. The impending launch of Chris Brown's latest album is the final straw and has prompted ears across Europe to launch this legal movement to the European Court of Human Rights."

"With lyrics from previous albums such as 'girl indeed I can hump it on the leg on the heard of he ain't do it now' and 'is your butt in the bed if it ain't your dead, get in the bed right now indeed you need to', we feel the worst with Mr Brown's latest offering."

The move has responded anger from Chris Brown's legion of fans who have started punching their own ears to stop the legal proceedings before turning their anger on a woman just like their idol.

Chris Brown has also responded on Twitter by saying that he will "shit on the retinas" of the ears, as well as telling ears to "take them teeth out when sucking my dick hoe!"

However, the r'n'b "musician" could be in trouble after Rihanna's ears tweeted a photo showing big swelling and bruises. Indicating that Chris Brown has beaten them, proving once again what a worthless and talentless piece of shit he really is.

HEADPHONES4CHAVS launches Christmas charity appeal

The youth charity HEADPHONES4CHAVS has launched a special Christmas appeal looking for members of the public to donate their old headphones to chavs during the festive period.

The appeal comes after it was found that only 5 per cent of chavs actually use headphones when listening to music in public places. Instead preferring to let everyone hear whatever 'sick' beats they are listening to.

Dappy, a special spokesperson at HEADPHONES4CHAVS, believes people should be doing more to stop chavs going without headphones during Christmas.

He said, "Bare ppl av hedfones, so y not don8 sum 2 my bruvvas hoo av 2 play der music out loud in public places lyk da train, bus or even shops. Its not fair blud."

However, the appeal has bought huge criticism from members of the public who believe they should not have to lend chavs headphones so they can listen to their music by themselves.

One person said, "Yes, I'm fed up of chavs on trains playing their music (and I use the term music loosely) out loud, but we should not have to donate headphones. Surely they could just buy a cheap pair or maybe steal some."

HEADPHONES4CHAVS is set to use aggressive marketing strategies to get donations, starting with a TV advert where a random chav plays his music out loud on his phone while holding it up for three minutes.

Father Christmas accused of giving naughty children presents by Daily Mail

Daily Mail, defenders of "true British values", has today launched a scathing attack on Father Christmas, accusing him of wasting taxpayers' money on children that have been naughty this year.

An undercover report by fearless investigative journalists at the newspaper found that Father Christmas was changing the naughty list so that more children would get presents this year.

This kind gesture by the jolly old man, also known as St Nicholas, was seen as a deliberate waste of taxpayers money and not in line with the austerity measures introduced by the Coalition Government.

A columnist at the Daily Mail called Ima Racistbellend condemned the actions of Father Christmas, "This year has seen some of the naughtiest children come out in force to try and destroy this once great nation. Father Christmas needs to recognise this and respond appropriately by increasing the naughty list and making sure that children on this list know they will not be getting presents this year."

Prime Minister David Cameron was quick to criticise Father Christmas after the report, "The actions taken by Father Christmas do not support our fight against reckless spending and trying to cut costs after the financial mess of the previous government. Naughty children need to learn that if they behave badly then they will not be getting presents. Moreover Father Christmas should ensure it's harder for children to get on the good list to receive presents, as this will reduce costs for the UK taxpayer."

Father Christmas was unavailable for comment on the investigation as he was busy preparing from the festive season. However, the report comes at a bad time for the Lapland resident after several other newspaper articles into his private life have been made public this week.

This included a report by The Guardian which questioned his treatment of Rudolph the Reindeer and his refusal to take him to a vet despite his strange glowing nose and a BBC Panorama episode into the inappropriate working conditions of Elves.

More worryingly, another report in The Sun accused Father Christmas of paedophilic tendencies after it was found that he frequently emptied his sack close to children.

Father Christmas arrest puts Christmas in jeopardy

Father Christmas has been arrested as part of a police crackdown on paedophilles following the Jimmy Savile revelations. The arrest has put Christmas at risk for millions of children.

The Father Christmas arrest comes following allegations from hundreds of children who allegedly saw him emptying his sack in front of them every Christmas for the past ten years.

One victim said, "He would just come into our house and empty his sack all over the living room and into my stocking."

It is not yet know whether the victim's "stocking" is an euphemism or an actual stocking but police are looking into the matter.

In some cases the victims even claimed to be touched inappropriately by Father Christmas leading them to go as far to say that they "hate Christmas."

Another victim said, "Father Christmas would come into my room stinking of brandy and mince pies. He would then whisper in my ear before touching me inappropriately. There is a good chance that it was probably my pervy uncle Sidney, it certainly sounded like him, but it was probably Father Christmas."

The police have reassured the public that Father Christmas' arrest will not mean that Christmas is cancelled or at risk from being cut altogether. However, critics are less sure.

Lord Bell-end of Bell-enden says, "Father Christmas has put shame on the holiday we all love. He is an opportunistic and devious person that would take advantage of the UK public's goodwill and shamelessly empty his sack in front of children for years on end."

The arrest of Father Christmas has led to the police also investigating well-known children's TV characters who have had access to children in the past 20 years. Elmo has already been arrested for having sex with a minor but many popular children's TV figures are also set to follow. 

A police spokesperson says, "I can confirm that we are investigating one person that has been allegedly undertaking paedophillic activities for the past 20 years. We can't confirm who this is, but let's just say he resides in Crinkly Bottom, used to hang out with a weird little man with a beard and is pink with yellow polka dots."

NRA call help from The Expendables to defend schools

In a bid to protect US schools from lone gunman on murderous rampages, the NRA has proposed hiring the cast of The Expendables.

The cast of The Expendables, which includes Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham and Dolph Lundgren, will be positioned as guards at US schools up and down the country.

The move has been described by the NRA and other gun lobby groups, as the only way that "children and the freedom of having a gun to shoot people can be protected."

The NRA has also pointed to the plot of Kindegarten Cop as how their plans will likely play out.

A spokesperson for the NRA said: "At first having the cast of The Expendables will leave a lot of the children feeling uneasy and intimidated, but eventually it will turn into a hilarious adventure in which Sly, Jase and others try to control unruly children while protecting the school from unwanted intruders. What's not to like?"

Others have laid into the plans stating that guns against guns will cause more violence. However, many in the Southern States who are unable to differentiate between reality and fiction have welcomed the plans.

One US senator from Louisiana said: "The Expendables are the biggest and baddest motherfuckers around, so having them around as protection makes perfect sense. I've seen the films and it's obvious that this is the only realistic solution available to us. Far more realistic than controlling the selling of firearms to potentially dangerous people." 

Controversial toilets.

Apocalypse Joke Discovers Least Funny Man In The World

An internet joke that has saturated online social media has discovered the least funny, most unoriginal man in the world.  The joke, regarding the alleged apocalypse as foretold by the end of the Mayan calendar, was posted on Facebook and Twitter 5,300,674,004 times.

The joke is as follow: "People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow."  It first surfaced on Thursday and proved popular, but by that same evening and into Friday morning it had exploded and at one point was being posted 57 times per second, making it the most annoying period in the history of social networking. The funniest man in the world, Michael McIntyre, explains that 'like my jokes, this one was moderately funny, and could raise a smile, but when you hear it billions and billions of times it starts to wear thin very quickly.  The worst part of it all was that everyone acted like they were the first to say it.  They lapped up the likes; and even worse, their friends encouraged it with comments of amazement.' While the origin of the joke is unknown, what is known is that a man by the name of Steve W. was the last person to post the joke, thus making him the least funny and most unoriginal person in the world.  When asked what possessed him to post a status that had already been posted 5,300,674,003 times before, 187 of those by his own friends, Steve W. replied with 'it's funny and that, yeah.'

Steve W. then pointed out that the post garnered 23 likes, so it must be funny, and vowed to embrace his new found title by posting Michael McIntyre jokes.