iamthefireiamtheforest
i am the fire, i am the forest
and i am the witness watching it
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it’s been over 4 years
it’s still not fair
I want her back
it's been 2 years and 2 months since my cat died
I miss her
I want her back
this isn't fair
I want her back
please
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update: I can now
I can't picture myself past my twenties
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woah my vent blog that I abandoned
anyways I’m back
life struggles update:
the person I had to consistently talk down from suicide in hs contacted me on my bday to say happy bday. I didn’t reply, just panicked and ignored the message bc I’m kinda terrified of being their friend again.
still with my bf, constantly worrying about him rn, idk, hoping it’s just hormonal changes and it’ll calm down soon
chronic pain is chronic. enough said
best friend is my best friend still. I was being a tad dramatic last year
animation is hard and I feel shit at everything and I’m terrified I’m going to fail. I have no substantial evidence towards me failing, but I am still scared I will
still no appointment for adhd. can’t type more or I will cry.
cbt for the win
intrusive thoughts calmed down for a while. grandma got sent to hospital with pneumonia and sepsis. intrusive thoughts came back with a vengeance. also fuck the nhs she was on a stretcher in a&em for over 24hrs, and when she was released and taken home in an ambulance, they refused to let her take her walker and medication in the ambulance with her.
anyways yeah tldr still in pain, still hate myself sometimes but I’m doing better I think
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update: they r my best friend still, I was just being dramatic
(well tbf we used to be very codependent, and then they moved on from the codependency and I didn’t, so I think I had a bit of a right to be dramatic. I was also isolating myself a little bit so I did feel very alone. all good now though, I still love them and they still love me. at different unis though, I miss them)
I miss my best friend.
They have a different best friend now. That's okay.
People grow apart and find new people to grow close with. It happens.
I'm just being selfish.
It doesn't feel fair. Did we go through all that together just for it all to be for nothing?
People grow apart and find new people. But I didn't find new people. We didn't grow apart.
I feel like you left me.
Why don't you love me anymore?
I hate that we're still friends. That I have to pretend that it doesn't hurt when I see you with your new people that you're closer with.
My chest hurts.
I don't want it to hurt.
I don't want to care so much.
I wish I could just skip to the part where it's been a year and we've only texted twice.
I don't want to have to watch myself lose you so slowly.
It hurts.
It hurts so much and I want it to stop now please.
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ahahahaa still haven’t got an appointment
have had multiple meltdowns over this
can’t talk about it or else I break down
the nhs is a fucking joke
ive been waiting for months to be assessed for adhd and i have heard nothing. and then my friend who got referred maybe 2 months ago gets an appointment before me
this isnt fair
im struggling so much and no one cares
this isnt fucking fair
#adult adhd#adhd#adhd referral process#nhs#probably autistic but there’s no way anything is getting me to go through another nhs referral for anything mh or nd related
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update: have said it. was 10 months into the relationship but hey, better late than never.
now I have the issue of “if I don’t say ‘I love you’ before going to bed, he’s going to die in his sleep” :|
I love my boyfriend
I can't get myself to say it though
every time we say goodbye or good night, I find myself face to face with the urge to say "love you"
two words. not even the full phrase. it would be so easy
but I know that when I say it, I'll obsess over whether it was a lie
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update: I have since tried making out and I do like it (most the time)
sex still doesn’t seem very appealing. have not tried it
I wish I liked making out and having sex
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out of breath at the gym, not from my workout but from the filthy thoughts I am having about my boyfriend
my filters going to be working overtime the next time I see him istg
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I wish I liked making out and having sex
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I am an amalgamation of all the people I have met.
I do not want to meet more people.
I do not want to change.
I like things how they are now.
Please don’t change.
#vent#i dont know who i am at my core and that scares me#i like to believe that my kindness is one of the things that is solely me
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my brothers friend had severe mental health issues - c-ptsd, hallucinations, etc. for the past 3 years my mum has been fighting tooth and nail for him to get the help he needs, and I truly truly truly hope he does.
I just feel so selfish. my issues aren't even comparable to his. I know this is really taxing on my mum. I just wish she would help me too.
whenever I bring up how I'm trying to get referred for an ADHD assessment, she just goes dead silent. the most I get as an answer is just "yeah" or "mhhm".
when I said I thought I have misophonia because I was up for hours hitting my head because I couldn't stand the sound of my brothers voice, she told me to stop being a hypochondriac. she didn't even care that I had been hitting myself.
she's told me to stop trying to get an ADHD assessment because it won't change anything. that I should go and do revision instead of thinking about it. that I show no signs of ADHD even though she agrees that I show a lot of the signs. I know she doesn't believe me. I want her to help me too. I'm so jealous that she's helping my brothers friend. I know he's more important right now but I'm so jealous and I'm so selfish and I hate myself
I haven't even mentioned that I experience a lot of symptoms of autism or that my intrusive thoughts make me want to throw up because I know she'll just tell me to "stop it"
I want to be able to stop it
I don't want to be like this
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I love my boyfriend
I can't get myself to say it though
every time we say goodbye or good night, I find myself face to face with the urge to say "love you"
two words. not even the full phrase. it would be so easy
but I know that when I say it, I'll obsess over whether it was a lie
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just because my boyfriend isn't responding doesn't mean he's dead just because my boyfriend isn't responding doesn't mean he's dead
just because my boyfriend isn't responding doesn't mean he's dead
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I feel like a dickhead right now because I have my bags on the seat next to me on the bus so people can't sit there, but the other day a man sat next to me and kept coughing (no mask) and I don't want that to happen again
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my bf just called me darling I am djfjfjjfjfjkfkd
I am blushing on the bus rn
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it's been a while since I last mourned my inability to feel sexual attraction. I thought I had gotten over it.
it's tiring living in a cycle of moving on and regressing.
I know there's nothing wrong with me, but still. I want to feel normal for once in my life.
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