bpd culture is if i can do it, why can't you? if i can sacrifice everything for you, why can't you do the same? i try so hard for you. why does it feel like you don't try?

-⭐️🕷

.

Dissociating hard 💀

I'm not real

No matter how much praise I get, how much care, affection, attention

Nothing will ever fill the hole, will it?

The emptiness is so heavy, I'm so tired

Something ironic is that I got worried I'm faking my nerve damage in my arms bc I'm constantly paraod I'm faking being I'll, esp my mental health disorders

I self dx with a few things fit the criteria for, but I'm often paranoid I'm faking

And like

How would I be faking nerve damage? I'm in excruciating, unbearable pain when writing this just bc I was drawing a little too long

And a neurologist told me it's probably nerve damage and I'm gonna get a EMG done

And that makes me actually feel more confident in myself because seems like my paranoia about me constantly being afraid of faking is illogical lol

"I need some time away from you" you're so lucky you can do that. I desperately need a break from me too

This post is so relevant to my life

Having bpd is just being a toxic abuser by default Being honest with my closest friends always ends up with them telling me I need to stop because I hurt them I hurt them with just me sharing my struggles

No one wants to hear you out when you're suicidal No one wants to care for a suicidal person No one wants to be friends with a suicidal person

When you're suicidal, you're a burden by default, and people leave and try to escape from you, as they just can't take it

I will never ever talk to a friend in private when I'm suicidal, I will not reach out, I will not ask for help It's better to just go with my plan instead of asking for help, as I prefer to die than experience people abandoning me

One of the hardest things about living with bpd is that I can NEVER be honest. Because if I am honest about my true feelings, it will be considered as manipulation and guilt tripping. I know my thought pattern is flawed and self-destructive, I know my feelings are not normal, but having to lie and pretend all the time in order to not be labeled as "toxic" is so fucking draining and exhausting.. I get jealous and paranoid about the tiniest things, I see danger and possible abandonment everywhere, I live in permanent state of fear, I feel worthless and unlovable yet I crave love.. It's hard to live in this state, and it's even harder having to always strive to be this "perfect non-toxic healing pwbpd", and when I fuck up I instantly feel like a failure and an abusive piece of shit.

as far as i'm concerned all gore is necessary

I wasn't invited to something that other people in my friend group were, aka I'm just being excluded

and there I had the hopes that maybe they would miss me if I died, I guess not, they don't even want me near them

it's sad how I still try to have hope when it's blatantly obvious I'm just never going to be good enough for anyone

I think the hot new trends for this summer should be reading comprehension and critical thinking skills

“ You wouldn’t like it if someone did that to you ! ”

What if I told you that I’d happily date someone just like me ? What if I told you that I’d feel loved if I was obsessed over ? What if I told you that I’d be flattered if someone needed me so badly that they’d rather abuse me than just let me leave ? What if I told you that I’d actually feel oddly safe and like I fucking mattered to someone like that ? Love me so much you don’t allow me to leave and I would treasure any wounds I was given as a result of such an intense adoration .

went to the doctors they rpescribed me dress up games

Npd/bpd solidarity my beloved

thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

My alter made an account if anyone wants to follow them

@traumagorerot

Just know that they will probably post mostly sadist post, blood and gore and stuff like that

I finally drew my Charlie kinsona! >:3c Basically Charlie but they have bpd (among other disorders), the emo phase never went away, they're now nonbinary and probably have a worse relationship with both parents (very much self insert)

THIS IS AN OC HEAVILY BASED ON CHARLIE FROM HAZBIN, THIS IS NOT "REDESIGN" FANART! DO NOT USE IT AS ONE!

It's hard to explain but I don't claim this as a fully original design, I just don't know what other label to use aside from "oc", I kin Charlie and hyperfixating on Hazbin helped me a lot, even tho the hyperfixation kinda lessened past few weeks. I created this version of Charlie to represent myself in the cluster B Hazbin tumblr, and altered the design to show who I am better!