I try and I try and I fail and I fail and it's all my fault

When do I stop sabotaging myself and give myself what I really want

Love

Love is in one can of tuna a day

Love is in the nausea

Love is in the chest pains

Love is in the sobbing late at night

Sobbing over cookies, over bread, over peanut butter

The joy I get from that garbage is false because it will all turn into pig's slop in my mouth and fat all over my body

The real joy is in the scale the body and the way people treat me

A tiny, fragile little girl is reborn

I will be beautiful

7/17/2023

OMAD, Almost died, FREAKING OUT

Hi everyone no weigh in today because im too scared to im so ruined

On to my omad today I ate a tuna sandwich and one boiled egg there are more bananas so I will eat those next they are very small but it will still replace the third thing in my lunch it simply means less calories we also have more tuna so I am very happy ☺︎

I just got out of the hospital I almost died I was forced to eat so much food there... I think I gained a lot of weight it feels so terrible it's even worse because school is about 4 weeks away so I really need to work harder to lose more but I know I can probably at least get to my ugw if I really step on the gas at the hospital it was some garbage about my heart and malnutrition or whatever but I don't care they made me fat again and now I have to fix it again school is so soon I will fix this I don't care what it takes I will die for it

Lots of love

heart-of-wool

Remember in the end the turtle won the race. Even if your progress is slow, even if it's not as much as you expected, it adds up quickly.

7/13/2023

Weigh in, OMAD, Symptoms

Hello hello!! I hope you're all doing very well!! Im not doing so well today because I feel sick! I think I just need to eat something, which I will soon! Anyways, onto my weigh in, I am.... 89.6 lbs? 1 lbs gain.. thats weird because I only ate one egg yesterday... I don't think my body loses weight so well eating really really little. Maybe it's water weight? I'm not sure, but the numbers have started going down so slowly these days.. usually the next day I lose twice as much, so it's okay, I have hope for tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.

Right now I feel like if I don't eat anything I will definitely die, so I'm going to start making lunch now. My stomach hurts so bad, I feel really nauseous. Uuuuggghghhhh. My chest feels weird today too. Maybe I'll die today. My heart isn't beating right, I can feel it. I hope I don't die. I really want to go to school, so I really really hope I don't die. Did you know sudden death is a symptom of this illness? I don't want to die. But for me, you have to do what you have to do to become pretty. I won't get bullied again, I need to become pretty Oh my god I feel it in my chest, it hurts so bad. My heart can't take it, literally. I think I might die today. I don't know, I'm in so much pain. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But I need to pay my penance for the sin of gluttony, so if I die it would be deserved.

I'm eating tuna, an egg, and an apple. It hurts to eat it. I don't want to eat it because I'm in pain and I feel nauseous. I might be sick... but I'm feeling a little better now that I ate something. I want to lay down, I can't stand for much longer, I'm too sick. But I have to finish lunch first. It tastes okay. I'm not focusing on the taste because I'm trying not to get sick. I just need to eat my egg now but I think I might vomit. I will not eat outside of my planned meal like I did 2 days ago so I never have to go through this again..

My symptoms are bad. Like I said I think I might die. My heart is beating very weirdly. Did you know I have heart problems? I had to have open heart surgery before. There are a few medicines and things I can't take because there is concern for my heart. Maybe I'm being dramatic. I might faint!! I just want my tea, not the egg. But I have to eat it. My tea is too hot to drink anyways. Some days I feel so euphoric, like yesterday, and then there are some days like this where I really suffer a lot. I hope you all are not suffering. I am in Hell.

Lots of love, heart-of-wool

EAT becomes FAT if you don't draw the line.

7/12/2023

Weigh in, OMAD, Nightmares, School

Hello again!!!! I almost don't want to weigh in today, I just feel bigger... there's no way those extra cals didn't do anything to me. I'm really nervous but, it will be a learning experience. Today... 88.6 lbs! Only a 0.2 lbs loss, but I'm grateful that it's a loss at all!!!! A little turns into a lot very quickly!!

I'm so happy that I didn't gain from yesterday.. isn't that a miracle!! Onto everyone's favorite subject: OMAD! Like I said yesterday, today's OMAD is simply one boiled egg. It's because I overate yesterday, 357 instead of 255 cal. That's really embarrassing.. I still can't believe I ate so much. All because of one chicken nugget and one egg yolk, I was 102 cals above my planned meal!!! Never say "just one" or "just a little!" Don't worry, I exercised well that day. Along with my egg, I am going to have black coffee and diet soda, and of course water. I am excited to eat this because I'm excited to feel hungry even after... maybe I'll just go one egg the rest of the week too, because then I would be sure that I fixed my week. This is super exciting!!!!!! I really feel in my heart I'm starting to enjoy this process. It's important to have a positive mindset about this because then it makes you happy, thinking about eating so little... it gives me butterflies in my stomach and that excited feeling in my chest. Maybe it's a bad thing, but to me I feel more beautiful with each passing day, every bit of weight lost, feeling lighter and lighter, like I am light itself.. feathery and soft, inside and out.. it just doesn't compare to anything else, it's its own very special feeling that I work hard to earn. Hard work pays off very well! The pride I feel later is always better than the pleasure I feel in the moment.

Okay, enough of my euphoric rantings! I haven't been getting good sleep lately as you know.. I had a terrible sleep last night!! I had terrible nightmares last night, I hate having bad dreams. Something funny from one of my nightmares though, I had a dream that I had a bmr of 200 cals... I woke up from that one and laughed after ☺︎ The only good dream I had was that I baked cookies, very delicious chocolate chip cookies with a chocolate filling, and then I ate toast with honey, and a packet of m&m cookies, and some other delicious things, but then I woke up right as I was about to make a grilled cheese sandwich!!! It was really frustrating, but I woke up feeling full, so... great dream to end my series of bad dreams!

At least there was a good dream to end the bad. Very comforting. You know what else is comforting? SCHOOL STARTS SOON!!!!!!!! I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!! In about a month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy it makes me want to cry, school soon!! I can't wait!!! Also, very exciting, if I keep up with my planned meal and follow it well, I am guaranteed to be BELOW my current ugw of 85 lbs by the first day!!! It's so exciting it's making me teary eyed!! ☺︎☺︎☺︎☺︎ I just love school so much, I hope I'll be pretty by the time I get there. I will work very very hard, I will work hard to make myself pretty and work hard in school. You know the saying, "BMI low, grades high?" I will definitely live by this during school ☺︎ School is very important so you should work to do well! I'm really very grateful to be able to attend school. I'm going to a new school this year. It's because I'm starting high school, it's my freshman year!!! It's a lot to learn, credits and stuff, it's really confusing, but I think I'll learn how it works better soon. Yay ☺︎

Other than this, not much left to say. It's been a good day, now I'm going to walk to get my 10k steps in. I changed my watch face for this reason, I like it a lot. Easy to see my steps, cals burned and my heart rate. Cute and simple!

If you read this far then thank you!!! I hope this wasn't too long of a post for today!!!

Lots of love, heart-of-wool ☺︎

Ana's Psalm

(I saw this and it was so funny I had to share it with you all)

"Strict is my diet. I must not want. It maketh me to lie down at night hungry. It leadeth me past the confectioners. It trieth my willpower. It leadeth me in the paths of alteration for my figure's sake. Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department, I will buy no sweet rolls for they are fattening. The cakes and the pies, they tempt me. Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce. I filleth my stomach with liquids, My day's quota runneth over. Surely calorie and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the fear of the scales forever. "

- fadingobsessions.com

7/11/2023

Weigh in, OMAD, Apples, Therapy

Hello again!!! As always, starting off with a weigh in... I'm so scared because what if I maintained (physically impossible)... today I am 88.8 lbs!! WOOOOOO NO MAINTAINNN what an incredible start to my day!!!! No maintaining!!!!!

Isn't this lovely!! So onto my favorite topic, my lunch! Today I had a can of tuna, a soft boiled egg, peppermint tea and... an apple! I decided not to eat oatmeal today even though I said I would yesterday. The apple was very delicious!! It was a lot smaller than I thought though, but that's a good thing. But I did a terrible thing and my brother gave me a chicken nugget and I ate it... I also ate his egg's yolk because he doesn't like egg yolk... it's still below my 500 absolute limit, but it's over 300 so I feel really awful.. I will exercise hard to fix this!! I won't eat a single bite of anything else today (I never do anyways, lunch is my OMAD) and tomorrow all I will eat is one boiled egg, I have to fix this!! I'm sorry ☹︎ I should have more self control, I won't binge because of this, instead I'm going to fix it, because that's what you should always do, don't make it worse, fix it before it gets really bad. No wonder I'm still so big ☹︎☹︎☹︎ I won't show this fat behavior ever again!!!!! I'll remember this and learn from it! My lunch didn't taste good today anyways, except for the apple. Tomorrow is another day.

I went to therapy today. It was good! Usually I don't enjoy it but I enjoyed it today. We talked about how I got bullied in school, luckily people aren't so mean anymore. It's funny because I never realized how ridiculous the teasing was. Now people treat me like... a delicate little teacup that will break if you hold it too tight. The wonders of weight loss, even though it was only 10 lbs!!! People treat smaller people much better, remember that. People hold doors, offer to carry my things, compliment me, asking to hold my wrists and asking to pick me up... it's heavenly. My teacher told me how thin my legs were and how I remind her of her daughter who is a model.. I was euphoric ALL DAY after that. Food will never compare to these experiences!!!

Onto apples!!! I love apples, amazing food, so filling and delicious. Very sweet, so it helps with my sweet tooth. I like to cut them up because it looks pretty. These apples we have are very small. They're very very delicious! I hope tomorrow goes by quickly because I want to eat another apple soon. I like bananas way more though. I like bananas more than most fruit.. too delicious. Fruit sent down from Heaven.. that's what all fruit is though, because it's so delicious. Never underestimate fruit. It makes you feel full and happy and it's very healthy! Eat fruit often! That's all for today though, I need to exercise right now!!!!!!!

If you read this far, thank you!!!! ILYSM muah muah muah!!!! ♡♡♡

Lots of love, heart-of-wool ☺︎

my number one goal this summer is to come back unrecognisable

Slowly I am coming to realize that I probably will still be much too big at 85 lbs... maybe 80 will be my new ugw, but first, we hit the original ugw of 85 and then we'll see

7/10/2023

Weigh in, my OMAD, symptoms suck

Hello again!! Very happy to tell you all again about my day!!!! But first, the (dramatic music...) weigh in. Today I am.... 89.8 lbs!!!! We are in the 80's range now!! Isn't that something!!! I had to weigh a few times before I actually believed it!! Wow..

Onto my OMAD, it was okay I guess. Tried freeze dried fruit because there are no more bananas, but there were freeze dried bananas (and strawberries) in the bag. It was 120 🄲als per bag, so I decided why not. Should've stuck with oatmeal like I said I was going to yesterday.... the strawberries didn't taste very good. I tried dipping them in some peppermint tea, but it still didn't taste great. The freeze dried bananas on the other hand.... yum. You can never go wrong with bananas. It tasted like hard stale marshmallows with a hint of banana. I'd eat a bag of just freeze dried bananas. Probably not strawberries again, though.. I didn't eat the rest of the strawberries. At least it means less kcaal! But now I have to wait 24 hours until the next omad, and this one was disappointing ☹︎ well, the fruit was, but the tuna and egg was so so so good. I used to do this a lot, put a sunny side up egg into a can of tuna and mash it up. I failed boiling the egg, so I just fried it... I tried to skip the oil but that was a bad idea. I'll have to wash my pan very well now. I'm just sad with my lunch now. Can't wait until tomorrow so that I can have the comfort of my usual same lunch... tuna, boiled egg, oatmeal, tea. That's all I want, so good and filling!! But we are almost out of tuna too, I don't know what I'll do then, I think I'll probably cry a lot. I just love tuna so much, it's so safe.

I'm getting kind of sad now, I just need to take a walk.. "walks" are just pacing in a circle around my room and daydreaming. The freeze dried fruit really ruined my appetite... thinking about eating is just making me feel sick. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I just want to sleep at night, but it's so hard now. Aɴasømn1a, I guess! Also, I lost a suspicious amount of hair in the shower last night, but my hair is really thick and curly so it's not very obvious.... yet. I've been getting symptoms a lot and they really suck. I wake up, see black, ears ring, almost pass out stumble out of bed, body check, weigh, eat, and then I either pace or lay in bed if I feel too weak.

I would like for school to start soon because every day feels pointless now. I have no use, just laying around... I want to study and work hard!!! I want to go to class!!!! I want to learn new skills!!!! I want to take notes!!!!! I want to walk in the hallways, I love the way my shoes tap the tile and I want to dress up for school.. I always wear pretty, flowing skirts. But not the skirt you think of, I mean skirts to my ankles. It works for me because it's very modest, very pretty, and it hides my big fat legs. Don't worry, I would never judge anyone else for their clothing, modesty just makes me happier and more comfortable!! Anyways, I'll try to make my lonely days better. Typing this and my stomach really hurts suddenly wow omg ouch okay it's done. Anyways I'm not so sure what else to say..

If you read this far, thank you!!! It means a lot to me ♡♡ see you tomorrow!!!!

Lots of love, heart-of-wool ☺︎

Reblog if you hate your thighs

7/9/2023

Weigh in, WIEIAD, ranting

Just weighed in, today I am... 90 lbs exactly!!!! GW ACHIEVED!!! I think I'll be in the 80's tomorrow!!!! I'm really excited because my ugw is 85 lbs!!! Now I'm just waiting one more hour so I can eat my omad, it was sooooo good yesterday!!!! The egg yolk kinda tasted like cheese... I can't remember the last time I ate cheese. My lunch is good every day because it's the same thing pretty much every day.

I do OMAD, and I OMAD lunch. I do lunch because it's something to look forward to, and something to look back on and remind myself after that I don't need any more. I always start making it at 5:00 pm. There are two things in my lunch that NEVER change and I eat every single day, and that is one can of tuna and one boiled egg. Usually it's soft boiled because I love runny yolks. I've always loved tuna. I just eat it straight out of the can, usually with a little salt and pepper. Sometimes I heat it up, but I haven't done that in a while. Maybe I'll do that today. The third part of my lunch only changes sometimes, for now it's been a banana, but it used to be oatmeal. Bananas are probably my favorite fruit, I LOVE bananas so much!!!! We're almost out though ☹︎ when there are no more bananas I will switch back to oatmeal, it's so so so filling and so so so warm and delicious and mmmmmm its perfect. Oh yeah!!! And I ALWAYS ALWAYS drink tea!!! NEVER FORGET TO DRINK TEA!!! I usually drink peppermint tea with my lunch. It's warm, it calms my stomach down, and personally I think it's helping me lose faster. I really believe warm things make you feel more full, in your stomach and in your heart ☻

Onto the ranting part... I was FREEZING yesterday!!! I was so so so so so cold my fingernails were like a dark bluish purple. I can't wait for sweater season. Soft, warm, fuzzy sweaters. My blankets are also soft warm and fuzzy so I'm pretty content. I've been watching too many mukbangs lately. Mostly I watch VNM, because I have a MAJOR sweet tooth. Watching her eat brownies and cookies and cakes and chocolates... we can't always have what we want, and that's okay. Temperance is a virtue after all. You have to have a lot of patience and discipline to achieve your goals. I'm working very hard!!! My days are mostly the same. I'm kind of lonely, I know I can do something about that but I'm so tired these days. I'm also pretty moody... I don't like it when I'm moody. I'm just hangry, I feel this halo of peace when I finally have that sweet sweet succulent omad. I can feel my organs tensing up with hunger, but I don't feel any pain. I always feel the mental hunger though. I miss you, desserts and sugar ☹︎

But, we resist or we regret. There was so much pizza and fried chicken last night, it looked and smelled so so so good... I opened up the boxes, looked at them, smelled it a bit, then I brushed my teeth and went to bed. Not a single slice or chicken wing was put in my mouth. I was sad at the time but now I'm happy, proud, and I weigh less.

That's all for today. If you made it this far, thank you for reading!! Lots and lots and lots of love, heart-of-wool 🐑💖

I can see you’re hurting and there is always hope for you. Recovery is possible. You will not fester in your mind forever.

I hope one day I'll be able to recover. Unfortunately it's not in the cards for me right now, but I always try to have hope for the future. Thank you for your concern though ☻

Lots of love ♡♡♡

I'M 2 LBS AWAY FROM BEING 90 LBS

7 lbs away from my uwg 💖

UPDATE IM 91 LBS EXACTLY RN

"Wash the plate not because it is dirty nor because you are told to wash it, but because you love the person who will use it next."

- St. Teresa of Calcutta

Sometimes when I want to eat something I shouldn't, I just stare at it. I look very closely, the color, the shape, the way the light reflects off of it...

Then I imagine how it would look if I ate it, if I chewed it up and spit it out, and God forbid I actually eat it, the way it would look in my stomach. Digesting, turning into disgusting, yellow, sickening fat.

Why would I make something so beautiful into something so ugly?