I was today years old when I learned my NAFLD, dysautonomia (IST), lactose intolerance, and kidney problems were caused by my anorexia:

I've been taking a multivitam every day for at least 6 years and I'm still deficient in pretty much everything- I'm not surprised that I'm nutrient deficient (not eating will obviously do that; though I ignorantly thought the vitamins would make up for it), but the other stuff was less obvious. My doctors never told me my NAFLD could be connected to anorexia; it took them so long to figure it out because "how could a really underweight woman have 'fatty' liver disease?" (Literally what my doc said; he had never heard of the correlation.) Luckily my liver enzymes are back to normal now as I'm in recovery (not sure about the liver cysts though) but I'm still dealing with lactose intolerance and dysautonomia (IST), although meds have helped. I have an appointment in a week to get evaluated for what looks like chronic kidney disease in my blood work(even recently) so I might have that disease as well. Liver disease sucks, heart conditions suck, and lactose intolerance sucks (some of the best foods have lactose!), you can't drink, you get sick super easy, you can't tolerate cardio/pretty much any exercise when your tachycardia makes you pass out- sometimes just standing up will make you collapse. It SUCKS.

So if you need even more reasons not to starve yourself, here ya go.

I also have osteopenia, needed multiple dental surgeries (upwards of $15,000 all together over 10 years, all out of pocket and I'm disabled so that's a LOT for us), lanugo that just won't quit, severe bone, nerve, and tendon injury all over my body, no cartilage left in so many of my joints, etc- all because of my long battle with anorexia. It'll been 1 year in recovery come August 2024 but I am still in the thick of fighting to regain what I can of my health (some of me is too far gone unfortunately 😔) If you think you can be "tHiNSpO gOaLs" for an extended period of time without incurring SERIOUS, PERMANENT BODILY HARM, your ignorant ass is in for PURE HELL.

Recover. Because a life with anorexia isn't a happy one- you may think "if I was just super thin I'd be soooo happy!!" No. You're wrong. If you don't believe me and won't get help, you will end up as damaged as me. I can barely get out of bed these days, sometimes I don't even shower (I have OCD so that says A LOT about how much pain I'm in) and I have at least 4 appointments a week (finally down from 8 starting this week! As an agoraphobic, socially anxious person the amount of appointments is TORTURE).

It's not worth it. And if you overexercise as well, and don't take breaks when injured, you will also end up as pretty much sedentary from all the damage your caused your joints, bones, brain, heart, etc like me. Then when your metabolism is destroyed and you can't exercise or starve anymore without dying slowly and painfully, what will your body do? GAIN WEIGHT!

RECOVER.

IF I KNEW I'D END UP LIKE THIS I WOULD HAVE SOUGHT BETTER TREATMENT FOR MY TRAUMA INSTEAD OF LETTING IT MORPH INTO THIS FUCKED UP COPING MECHANISM; OR AT LEAST RECOVERED SOONER- 13 YEARS OF ANOREXIA HAS DESTROYED MY LIFE.

Learn from my mistakes, please.

Posted a new selfie that included below my (now not wirey) neck.. first one since I started recovery last year 🥲Time to accept it- I have destroyed my body with overexercising and anorexia; there's no going back to anything below a healthy weight. My spine, hips, wrists and ankles are all constantly in pain because I never let them heal by taking time off of exercise for 13 years straight, and the osteopenia from starvation makes everything worse. The pain today as I tried to not melt down into a puddle of screaming suffering at an Easter party made me realize my days of abusing my body are over. I destroyed my organs and joints in ways there's no coming back from. I am in recovery for good. I have no choice. I can't exercise, I can barely stand when grocery shopping- I double over the shopping cart when it takes more than 10 minutes- I honestly probably qualify for a disabled placard by now but I have so many appointments and paperwork for my treatments and keeping up with my disability/food stamps that I don't have the time to add any more bullshit paperwork to my daily routine. And I can't starve to lose the weight because all the expensive surgery I had will be undone if I starve; and I'm sure my body would throw more surgery my way with how awfully I've treated my body. So this is my life. Not overweight, but not thin. "average" I guess? And that's ok! I don't owe anyone a "perfect" body, not even myself (honestly that doesn't exist, but I'm using the term to describe my eating disordered idea of perfection that I'm working to get over). So I am in the era of healing; no going back.

I urge all of you active in an exercise addiction/eating disorder to face the truth- you may be able to sustain that life while you're young, but when you get to your late 20s - 30s, your body will not take the punishment you dish out to it any more. Your organs and joints will suffer, and fail. You will be unhealthy, with constant doctor appointments, you will be in pain, and despite the highest of any pain tolerances, you will reach your breaking point. I did.

Recover, while you still have a change at health; at life. Your story doesn't have to end like mine. You have a chance to come out of your ED with minimal damage if you recover as soon as possible. Please, as someone who's been there, don't let this message go in one ear and out the other. There is no way to sustain a non-horrible life with an ED. You have to get better, before your body is fucked for life like mine is or you end up taking your life yourself.

you deserve to eat. you deserve to be able to stand up without feeling like you're going to pass out. you deserve “unhealthy” foods. you deserve to not feel cold constantly. you deserve to fuel your body. you deserve to see yourself as more than just numbers on a scale. you deserve a happy relationship with food.

Hi,

I’m really happy to come across your page and bringing awareness and learning your bio pinned up.

I came across one of your posts talking about pro-ana. I had an account on here around 2016, and I remember getting messages from a girl who was about 2 years younger than me. She asked me if I could help her starve herself to reach her goal. But I refused and told her she shouldn’t be doing this. She didn’t like the response I gave and started calling me fake and many hateful words. So after that, I decided to delete my Tumblr account because you never know who seeing these posts, especially someone super young. I’ve never in my life would want to help someone go through the same struggle I went through.

I’ve been though recovery for about 5-years now, although it’s been 5 years and going through treatments and group therapy. While I was there, I thought my ed would go away and I would forget about it. I’ve realize we can’t burn those memories and till this day I still struggle with my ed thoughts. But what I can do is not let those thoughts fuck with me again.

I'm now back on Tumblr after a long time and now posting and reposting this for the better and things I'm interested in!

Again, thank you for spreading awareness and I'm so proud that you are here now ❤️

Thank you for this kind message; when I had a pro ana blog I thought I wasn't harming anyone but myself because I didn't use tags and stuff like that; never posted body checks or calorie counts/exercise routines, "ana diets," etc, but one day a 15 year old follower of mine asked me to be her "ana buddy" because I reached such a low "goal weight" and she wanted to be as thin as me. I cried my ass off, hating that me and my blog made other people suffer because of my ignorance to the harm I was doing. I told her to get help and deleted my blog the same day(back in 2011). I then started my main blog and anti pro ana blog, which feature my struggles throughout the years in a non-promotional way while encouraging recovery to everyone. I've been in and out in recovery since 2012. You're right- the thoughts never really go away. I'm working with my psychiatrist, trauma therapist, and a full team of varied physical doctors and treatments to try and get my mind and body in a better place since 13 years of Anorexia has caused me so much harm. That's why I call out pro anas and report when I can, because even if they don't use tags or suggest starving to others it's still harmful for other to come across, especially young people because the algorithm will promote your blog to others even if you don't. There used to be a much bigger "anti pro ana community" on here, but most have left- I'm hoping because they're taking better care of themselves. Taking a break from Tumblr when you used it to fuel your ED is always a good idea on recovery, especially at first. I'm proud of you too; keep up the great work!

Hiiii, I am that anon that sent like 3 consecutive long asf asks a few months ago, like 1.5 weeks ago I forced myself to start eating like a normal person (+I told my therapist I probs have anorexia, she argeed💀) and like. God it's. Fucking hard and all I want to do is restrict and relapse but. Your blog is helping a lot with it so thank you so much with it, genuinely.

I'm so proud of you! It's a daily struggle but it's so worth it. I'm glad my blog helps you, and I'm always here to talk if you need a compassionate ear!

Your worth cannot be diminished by external circumstances. You have your worth because you're a person, because you're you. When you're feeling unwell, not doing your best, when your body is changing as bodies do, when you're in that weird space of transition between one phase of your life and the next, you are allowed to feel and to struggle and look forward to what comes next, all without owing it to the world to present yourself in any certain way. And at no point in any of these moments does your worth diminish. Remember that.

You're not going to fix body shaming or negativity by telling someone who doesn't like how their body looks, that they're wrong and that they are beautiful.

Why does everyone and everything have to be beautiful? Sometimes, you can just be. And there's nothing wrong with that. By normalizing compliments about appearances, you're just ensuring that people who don't meet an impossible standard spend their whole life feeling inadequate.

There is something so deeply unfair about the fact that I have never experienced a moment of peace in my body but feel never-ending appreciation for every other body regardless of proportions, size, texture, color, abledness, or otherwise. I can't help but feel like maybe it's some sort of punishment.

Cats are wonderful and strange creatures

@coquettebruises this is a perfect example of you literally telling your followers and anyone who comes across this post that they "love ana" and to "STOP LETTING PEOPLE TRICK YOU INTO RECOVERY." You say "you," which clearly aims the post at the reader. I don't know how you could read my post and still not understand: you are pro ana, exactly the type I was talking about; you are telling people to starve, and if you still can't understand that you're pro ana to the T, nothing else is going to make your ignorant ass wake up to the harm you're doing.. not using tags to get attention from vulnerable people is the literal least you could do; if you were actually "pro for me not for thee" you would make your blog private, but clearly you don't care enough about anyone besides yourself to do the right thing.

Yeah I made an entire post, because you are exactly the type of pro ana I was talking about in my original post that you commented on- calling you out like this is proof that you are aware you're hurting people, and that there are so many pro anas like you, and you all don't think you're pro ana for some dumb reason and don't care who you hurt. You made an entire post to whine that you ate a "normal" amount of food, and I'm making a post about people like you who try to hurt their followers by telling them to starve- what's more "post-worthy"? Clearly harming people on purpose, not eating a "normal amount of food." You literally found and commented on my post about pro anas not recognizing they're pro ana, and your pro ana ass said, "I'm not pro ana, but.." and that is a perfect example of that type of pro ana! Instead of seeing this proof that you are a hypocritical and harmful person/blogger and saying "wow, she's right, I am a terrible person and should change!" You make a snide comment like this. You might have learned from this interaction if you weren't so defensive when shown proof of your willful ignorance, but have fun destroying other people's lives by telling them to starve I guess! 🙄

This Eating Disorder Awareness week I'd like to bring attention to two groups of people who are less represented in the ED community: masculine people and older people. Everyone sees the "young privileged white anorexic girl" represented in media and rarely people of color, men/boys, and older people.

Everyone who suffers from an ED deserves recognition of their pain and suffering, no matter their demographic. Everyone who suffers from an ED deserves treatment and acceptance of their illness, no matter how "severe" it seems, what their weight is, and whether or not they fit the age old "skinny teenage white girl" we all see in media.

Your suffering matters. You do not have to "get sicker" in order to be "disordered enough" for treatment. Please get help, because the longer you wait the worse your ED will get.

My inbox is open for anyone suffering, as long as you don't promote EDs- that is despicable behavior and only harms others in the eating disordered community.

Taking this from an ED perspective, no one cares about your six pack, how boney you are, your thigh gap, how much you weigh, none of it matters(concern for you not withstanding). People who care about you just want you to be happy, and they sure as hell don't want you to suffer trying to fit your own or society's unrealistic expectations physically or emotionally.

I tortured myself for 13 years trying to be "perfect" to myself and everyone else I know, and the few things about my sick body I felt grossly satisfied with when I was sick, I would absolutely NOT be attracted to those features in a partner. "I destroyed my body for a peace of mind I never got" is a good quote to remember with EDs- you don't need to have a "perfect" body, or pursue the concept of "perfection" in any form- academically, socially, in relationships, etc.

No one cares about how "perfect" you are. They just want you to be happy, and no one will love you less if you recover- infact they might love you more because EDs make us miserable and not the best company to keep.

Stop chasing "perfect." It's not worth it, and no one with an ED ever feels like they reached the perfection they sought after no matter how thin they get, so why bother with all the unnecessary suffering?

you know what’s wild is that all these crazy standards we hold ourselves to are things that we don’t even value in another person? like i’ve never been like “wow I love that this friend of mine is too proud to ask for help and never complains about their feelings” or “my favorite quality about this friend is that they get straight A’s and never get overwhelmed and has never told me about a problem” or “i love that this friend has never been wrong about anything or slipped up and said something embarrassing once in their life” and yet here we are, pushing ourselves past our limits for and beating ourselves up over slipups of things that our friends probably wouldn’t even rank in the top 50 reasons they like us

I'd love to see what all the obviously pro ana people on this hellsite who deny being pro ana, actually consider pro ana.

They promote the idea that starvation and dangerously low weights are good and something positive to attain with their posts.

They promote severe Anorexia by posting thinspo and bonespo all over their blogs with tags like "body goals."

They give tips for eating as little as possible, find "ana buddies" and literally encourage them to starve (in case you didn't know, "pro ana" is short for "promoting anorexia" to others, which is against the TOS everyone agreed to when making a blog, so having an "ana buddy" is the kinda the most pro ana thing anyone can do since the point is to help each other starve).

Saying "it's just for meee, I'm not promoting to others!" Is also bullshit because they all use as many pro ana tags to get attention for their posts, and if they were just posting for themselves they could do it on a private blog, where they wouldn't be inspiring others to KILL THEMSELVES like they do with a public blog covered in tons of "ana tags" for attention because you need that clout and want to feel "special."

How do the aforementioned actions not fit the definition of promoting anorexia?

For the pro anas reading this: there is no excuse for promoting EDs. Promoting an ED is NOT a symptom of EDs. You are responsible for everything you post publicly, especially when you are seeking out people to trigger with all those dumb tags.. people truly posting "for themselves" wouldn't even use tags. There are ways to talk about your struggles with an ED (if you have one) without making it seem like a positive thing to deal with- and don't say "but I'm mentally illlll, it's not MY fault I'm intentionally hurting people!1!" No. unless you are severely impaired mentally (you wouldn't be able to blog, but I'll pretend for this example), you are entirely capable of knowing what you are doing is wrong, especially because you use those misspelled tags to hide your promotion of EDs- that attempt to not get caught by people like me who will report you shows that you clearly know what you're doing is wrong and not allowed on Tumblr.

Get out of denial- if you do these things, YOU ARE PRO ANA. Accept it and stop trying to hurt people by spreading your disgusting content all over Tumblr; especially in the recovery tags- it still blows my mind that there are people cruel enough to post about their starvation diet in the ED recovery tags, but yes, pro anas are just that shitty.

FUCKING STOP.

I try to talk about all the consequences Anorexia nervosa has saddled me with personally on this blog, but honestly I wouldn't have cared myself 14 years ago either. When we hate ourselves, are caught up in appearances or are trying to cope with trauma, we just want something that we think could make us happy. You want a distraction. You want to know that people care when you get sick because you feel so damn worthless and uncared for. You want to outwardly manifest your internal pain so people will see you're not ok. So you say "I'll just lose this much and then I'll stop" but it's NEVER true. You get to you're "ugw" and you find yourself still miserable, so you set it lower and lower. Until you can barely move and your organs are failing... Etc.

I will never fully physically recover- the damage from starving for so long and exercising for hours every damn day for 13 years is irreversible. I talk about the specifics of the damage on other posts so I won't reiterate here; but yeah- EDs will leave you with physical and emotional damage you might never return from (even if you recover/weight restore) so don't wait- recover NOW. Because the longer you wait, the worse it will be. So it's either get healthy, or die from suicide/complications of your ED.

Choose life.

tw anorexia nervosa consequences, vaguely discussed (if you are interested in elaboration you can always message me, i try to walk the line between open and triggering)

if someone had told me what exactly AN could do to my body for years and years after recovery, i would....not have listened.

but i do wish more ED recovery spaces went into these things! i had no idea that a lot of what's going on for me, easily 10 years into recovery, is AN-related. it doesn't fix or change anything, but it does give me context, which as a person i tend to need.