i love it when people tell me how they got their rescue cat bc normally its like “it came to our house and wouldnt leave” or “it did something cute so we took it home” i love cats

one year around easter when i was seven, my grandma gave me and my sister easter basket gift things like usual. inside the basket, there were three colorful foil wrapped eggs.

immediately thinking they were chocolate, i unwrapped it and took like a mega bite (i need you all to understand that this was a VERY LARGE BITE I TOOK.) to my horror it began fizzing and releasing a lemon grass scent. everyone laughed as i ran to the sink and started spitting it out repetitively.

in conclusion, i took a large bite out of a lemon grass scented, ester themed, bathbomb bc i thought it was chocolate.

also take note that this was a white powdery and both bomb looking bath bomb. now that i look back, it didnt even relatively look like chocolate. my poor little brian just wanted to assume it was chocolate so i could eat it

k so ligit no one is even seeing any of these but im having a nice time venting so i’ll just keep sharing my funny stories with myself

if you ever feel embarrassed just remember that once when i was six i put my leggings on backwards and only realized that i did after we got to the party we were gping to and instead of helping me find my mom so she could help me my dad proceeded to drag me around and show everyone how i’d put my leggings on backwards and god that was awful

“mommy”

sOO my parents own a condo complex and we live in a separate part of it and one time one of our employes came upstairs to where we lived looking for my dad but me hearing the flip flops naturally assumed that it was my motheR SO I GO “HI MOMMY!!!” RUN UP TO HIM AND HUG HIM AND OH MY GOG WHY COULDN’T I HAVE JUST BEEN BORN A DOOR

i always think its so funny whenever a vegan shames someone for eating eggs “Because it coud’ve been a life” or something cause guys, chickens need a rooster to have babies so the eggs we eat, dont have chicks in them and even if some hen decided she would break the laws of chicken eggs, they have a scanner thing to make sure there is no chikc in there. sorry vegans ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

peter: OH MY GOD

all the avengers even loki: WHAT HAPPENED

peter: thsi is insane oh my god how do we not know

everyone: whats wrong?!?!?

peter: is an.... *takes a deep breath*

peter: ORANGE CALLED ORANGE BC ORANGE IS ORANGE OR IS ORANGE CALLED ORANE BC AN ORANGE IS ORANBGE

everyone:

peter:

everyone:

tony: what the hell

GUYS some frikcing iguana ate my cactus

how the hell did it eat it tho because it was a cactus it was spiky like a cactus im so done

pros of having a slovak grandma:

-really good food like really good

-rlly spoils us(thats probably every grandma)

-teaches us slovak sometimes

cons of having a slovak grandma

-literally says “eat more! eat! eat! eat! you r too skinny!” to your overstuffed self (yet we still always eat more)

-rambles in slovak sometimes (or speaks to me in slovak which i cant really understand

-she called me sTubBorn like a doNkeY oncE and im still shOOK

I once had a dream that i was at some sort of water park thing and i wanted to buy some pastry thing so anyway i walk up to the cashier (who is a cat btw) and ask her for a pastry that costs five dollars bc thats all i had. so they’re all like 50,000 dollars (what) and i was like heck no so i threw my money into a pool and just as i did that the cashier cat went ‘oh hey. heres one for five dollars i screamed, jumped into the pool i threw the money in somehow Goofy jumped on top of me and i grabbed the money i walked out of the water, handed the cat my money and she handed me the pastry except what actually happened was that i took a huge bite of my five dollars instead of grabbing the money and thats how i woke up gagging and almost throwing up