If ever God opens a portal for voluntary death applications, i'd surely be amongst the first lot of applicants!

I don't have a dream, a dream that is compelling enough to make me move mountains. I don't have determination driving enough to improve myself. I don't understand the precious ness and delicateness of life so as to take a stand for myself. Yes i do one thing without asked, i take such actions which make me doubt myself a 20,000 times if not more.

I do not like my current situation right now.....i am not sure of the impact of the decision that i have taken. I don't know if what i am doing is correct or wrong. I don't know if i am unknowingly creating obstacles for myself. I don't have a north star to hold on to. I am standing on a path which seems to be lit with sparkly lights but on going further the brightness fades. There is no way back and I have already wasted a lot of time in the pursuit of this path that other roads seem uninviting. I am in the times square of nowhere and don't even want to be here. I don't want to end up being a casualty of my choices..i dont want to be sad anymore..

I feel so lost..i feel so inadequate...i feel like a failure

WAS I EVEN RIGHT IN CALLING YOU MY FRIENDS??? I do not even know what to feel now.I feel so bad.I feel so heartbroken.I feel like history is repeating itself. I've had a friend who had earlier ditched me like a sack of old newspapers. Had told me that i need to move on and make new friends and again after 10 years my other close friend does the same thing. Tosses me into the trash pile like an old rugged towel!! So moral of the story is that once my use is over, once they have had their fill of benefits and taking advices from me, they are just going to forget me like i never existed at all!!! Great and this is the reason why i can't trust people in my other relationships!!

musings in outage

I don’t know why but for the past few months, I am feeling very low. There is nothing new in feeling like this, however I feel more helpless about it now. It feels as if this is how I am going to lead my life from now on…each moment is accompanied by a feeling of dreariness and tiredness. For the outside world, I am functioning viz:

to my employer_ delivering work albeit with numerous rectifications,

to my family_ breathing, eating, sleeping, wasting time

and to my friends_ well sending them birthday greetings!!

I am frequently at a lack of words while expressing myself, while articulating the causes for this feeling.

I usually am successful in lulling such thoughts by spending my entire energy at work…procrastinating personal welfare to unfathomable levels,yet as time passes, these voices become dementers feeding off of my existence.   

I am scared to introspect myself not because of the things I am unaware of , rather because of the facts that I am aware of !! Things which I can’t change. Things that have already gone out of hand, parent’s expectations.

I want to leave all this but guess I still haven’t had enough of the pain and suffering that I go through every day. Maybe when I’m right at the ledge of my mental stress will I perceive the hollowness of my way of living life!!

Please help find my family’s friend she has been missing for five days and the police have barely put any effort into finding her. If found please be aware that she has a personality disordor and may be disoriented. I will be tagging fandoms to hopefully spread word faster.

I wish that i just fall asleep now and never wake up....i cant do this anymore...i have a life sucking job which i dont like and my personal life doesn't get respected...i feel dying is d only other better option...please some one kill me me coz I'm inefficient in doing that too...kill me so i can die..coz i think that is the only way i can get peace...the only way where my tension will get dissolved along with my soul......please..please..

Kim Seokjin...i noe dt ur really far away from me but please i hope dis thot of mine smhow reaches to you dt i really love ur smile nd want 2 b d reason of it smday...i really have fallen jn love wid u...plz help me escape frm this bat shit crazy life dt i lead!! ....i love you sir...really.

Seokjin please marry me and whisk me away from all these troubles...please i love you so much....please make me your wife!!!

Kim Seokjin!!

Happy birthday my love....can't wait for that time of our lives when we could celebrate this day together.....happy budday hun!!! Lots of tangy kisses...muahh!!!

I wish to be rammed by a vehicle on road today...life is getting fucked up even more day by day....i feel so depressed at work that consumes almost 10-12 hrs of my life where im made to feel utter useless by my manager...im constantly being judged and i know i should be expecting all these but my will power to endure all of this is wavering....

#5

Why do i encounter such fuckers in life?? Huhh?? Fucker showing useless authority.......thinks his intelligence and street smartness will let him win big in life....he might too cos he is far more capable than me...but he lacks empathy nnn n dt is ticking me off right nowwww......kim seokjin will i ever be able to meet hou or see u live?? Huhh i have already left hopes of marriage...!!! Huff

#4

Seokjinnnaa odigasseyo??? Palliwa.....i really want to be with you!!

#3

I am learning my life lessons 2 at a time with so many fuckers surrounding me....feel like cursing on their downright face..my fucking boss is going to waste my once in a month weekend

#2

That there is really something delectable about venting out under anonymity...throwing toxic feelings at an empty virtual space living under the cloak of social media algorithms .... 

#1

okay so my boss is a fricken ass hat...a moron...I hate him,  I hate him , I hate him , I hate him sooooo fricking much.....basically i guess i have started this blog to vent about him without having to unravel my vile thoughts to the real world.....he is such a fu*king ass hole..............why do i only get to deal with such bastards in real life....now you must be thinking that i must be ignorant about the benefits that i have which other people do not have, but i do not think that a human thought process is ever going to run that way!

He is literally making my life hell...sure i would have switched to another job had i been brave enough to trust my capabilities at getting a decent one, atleast for now......