Here's what darkens my heart: misery, despair, an intense longing for all that I have lost and all that might have been. Regret for not speaking up, about many things. Regret for never having the courage to admit how I felt, how I feel, and instead watching it all blow away.

Here's what lights me up: books, literature, writing, bookshelves, quills, horse paintings, sun-warmed leather chairs in a library, the moon and stars, the smell of a new book. The comfort of curling up with a novel, hot chocolate, and looking out the window and seeing horses grazing in a field. Knowing I am surrounded by all the things I love, and being secure in that knowledge that it will not be taken from me.

Here's why I leave: to escape the monotony of my life. To have the freedom to imagine that I am in control and can do whatever I want. To be spontaneous, adventurous, excited about new possibilities, none of which is happening here. I leave so I can pretend.

Here's why I stay: the comfort of home, of familiarity, of memories. It protects me from the unknown, from the possibility of getting hurt if I go out into the world alone as a pioneer.

Life isn't giving me any choice about what I truly want in life. Some of the biggest decisions I should have made were made for me by circumstances. I had to go with the default choice because there wasn't any other. My entire life has been about following a path, not forging one.

On the last day of Pride month, I wanted to come out as a hetero-romantic asexual. I've wondered what I am for several years, and it feels good to finally know and share this aspect of my identity.

Life keeps giving me battles I must fight and survive in order to find me. But I don't know what those battles are. Are they the challenge of figuring out who I want to be with? Are they the challenge of working for an incompetent, controlling supervisor and sexist boss? Or are these all smaller, unimportant battles, and the real one is discovering why I respond to them the way I do in order to understand who I am?

Dear crush,

You have the power to brighten my day, no matter how upset or sad I am. Just a few words from you, the memory of one of our conversations, even seeing your name brings a smile to face. I wish I had the nerve to tell you that.

Love,

Me

I want you:

I want to share every good moment you ever have

I want to be there for you when things go bad

I want the early stage butterflies and honeymoon

I want when things settle down and we're just comfortable, too

I just want every part of you ♡

“and i liked the way he said things... especially when they were about me. so kind but so careful. i’d never felt so endlessly hooked.”

— the way he makes me feel (CT)

Yes.

I really like you and it scares the shit out of me

I want to cuddle you and fall asleep on your chest

I wanna go stargazing with you and cuddle you under the stars

I want someone to say this to me.

“i’m here, i’m here. you’re safe, i promise.”

2014*

oh no

I just survived my first day of online college! Woo hoo! Yay me! Three more years to go.