Crush

Journal Entry #1

I couldn’t sleep other than the moment of shut eye i got while reading.. but thats nothing new, except..i started thinking about this girl, idk why she pops into my head from time to time, so i got to thinking about it. About why i kept thinking of her, why couldn’t i let her go like all the crushes i’d had before and after her? ..and i realized..a whole lot of things actually. It was in the way she looked at me, like she was interested in me, like she wanted to see what i’d do next. And whenever i caught her eye it made me smile, not that she was looking at me. But that she was seeing the things in me that nobody else was. How she always was looking when nobody else was. I’ll give you an example, me, our friends and her were all playing uno one time..when your in a group of people there are these little pockets, small moments where everyone elses attention is preoccupied with each other or something else that just happened or the tv or whatever. In these little moments you can say whatever you want, ANYTHING and no one will hear you, you can get away with some small things in these moments and i knew that. I’d experienced these moments my whole entire life..so i switched the uno pile around to the color that favored the hand i had. There i was flipping through the pile looking for the best card for me to put on top of the pile..but something was different, this little pocket of my own, someone had found it. i was being watched. I cant remember if she gasped or almost said “hey” or maybe even chuckled idk but i looked at her and she was looking at me with a smile on her face. I couldnt help but smile back. It was just me in her in this little moment, i changed the cards around to my liking..she never said a word about it to me or anyone. but that whole game i was smiling and so was she, and only we knew why.. even thinking about it now puts a smile on my long face.

There was this other time she came up to me and said “i know ___ will love this” and she showed me a video that just that day had me cracking up and laughing my ass off. But when she showed it to me, i had already seen it and i got all my giggles about it out. She seemed surprised that i didnt laugh as much as she thought i would. I wish i had told her how much it made me laugh before. That id already seen it. That she was right, that she knew me so well..i didnt of course i had my fake laugh i said thats great and walked away.

Il tell you two more stories these are a bit different..were in the laundry room of my best friends apartment complex. My main friend group is all there. My two best friends..and her. Oh god i really hope im not romanticizing all this just because im lonely. Why cant anything just be? Why must there always be the possibility that something isn’t real??..

Ok ok back to the story: Were all talking as we always did, the conversations were always amazing with these people..i dont regret a single monent i spent with them, but with her they were..especially interesting..i cant remember what the hell we were talking about at the time but..either her or i said something that the other two didnt get. But we got it, i remember the feeling. I was getting more and more excited the more i felt she understood, i got off the laundry machine. I thought nothing of it..i was so happy that someone could relate to what i was saying! Suddenly i was inches from her.. she was still seated at the laundry machine that just a moment ago was on the other side of the room. But suddenly, i was right infront of her..she was right infront of me. Silence. The other two looked on, i had almost forgot. She was dating my best friend. I think at that moment everyone knew that i had forgotten. The silence rang through me. I smiled my disappointed smile and went back to my laundry machine and sat down, from than on i tried my best not to look at her.

What would have happened if there was nothing that would have stopped me?..i think i would have just kept getting closer..

And now for the final memory. Me and my two best friends had this little clothing brand and we made all sorts of clothes. Shirts, hoodies, shorts..and one time we made these ski masks, they were a completely out there design, there was a zipper on the mouth piece , and some other stuff referencing traditional mafia/gang symbolism.. i didnt much care for it my self but i also didnt design it so i didnt care about it at all really..to be honest with you i thought it looked a bit ridiculous, i mean it was innovative but i could do without the gang references. Anyway shes dating one of my best friends at the time (i know i know, only the shittiest of friends start crushing on their best friends girl..but maybe thats what made it so great? We knew we were never gonna get together so we could love each other from afar, its the safest kind of love you can fall into. And its just as distant too..) so she hangs around us and our clothe making alot and we were just wrapping up, about to walk outside in the cold winter evening. I put my jacket on as i walk out the door and i turn back around to say something..and i see her right behind me with the ski mask on..haha i never imagined someone could look so cute in the stupid thing. I swooned like ive never swooned before haha ! I drooped my head on to the door enraptured by her very essence..i couldnt take my eyes off her..i felt my eyes water up. Just than she took the mask off and with the most innocent beautiful eyes she looked at me. She saw my love for her in that moment..one of those moments again, surrounded by people but it was just me and her. She looked at me like she was sorry, sorry that i had fallen in love with her.. it almost broke my heart than and there because i saw it all in her eyes..i snapped out of it quick : realizing how bare i’d been wearing my emotions i reverted to my distant self, the part that was easy to play, the one who could take over and and shoot the shit and never have to feel a thing. all while i sat in the passenger seat..just…screaming for me to do something other than the stupid things i’d do.

…Every now and again i long for her. But im afraid that it wont be the same. for you see, i am a coward with my emotions, i bury them, i drown them, i numb them, i run from them. But i never face them, and im afraid with no barrier between me and her..that she wont feel the same way..and what if it was all in my head? What if she looked at me that way because she was so sorry for me for having fallen in love with her because she knew she could never reciprocate? Not for me. I am unlovableUNLOVable

Oh god

Stupidstupid howcouldanyoneverloveyou? DumbstupidcowardwrongjerkassholestupididiotidiotIDIOTIDIOTIDIOT

She would have been-

She would have been..

Just stop. Just say hi..ask her how shes been, maybe she’ll be happy to hear from you…and if shes not than at least you know that this love does exist..you’ll find it, just dont give up on it. And above all, be brave