Its me, your feral godmother

I made a baby blanket for a pregnant woman at work and I went back and forth about it like “is this weird? To like hand make something for someone when we’re like friendly acquaintances not like bffs. God why are you so fucking awkward.” Anyway I gave it to her and she said she loved it and in the back of my head I’m like yea she’s nice and probably just humoring the weirdo. Well she texted me a picture this weekend of a scrunchy faced newborn at the hospital wrapped in the blanket I made her. And I’m like. Wow. She loved it so much she took it with her! To the hospital! To give birth! She wrapped her newborn it! I am just so filled with love and joy right now.

People will love the things you make them. Because you thought of them and you cared.

‘cream cheese’ this ‘cream cheese’ that wheres the appreciation for a bagel covered in peanut butter and chocolate chips

john mulaney takes another

sentient? *snaps neck* well I haven’t been sentient since 2001

quarantine is discovering how easy lava cakes are to make and then getting burned because you dropped a ramekin on your arm

knitting is a peaceful activity I tell myself, as I am filled with unholy rage upon seeing another goddamn pattern where someone just put the specific brand on yarn they used to make it instead of just TELLING ME THE FUCKING WEIGHT DEBRA

Life hack: if you run out of toilet paper just take washcloths and put them in the laundry after

knowledge is power i yell as i hit you with an animorphs book

i want a fantasy story where the protagonist is trying to learn magic but just cant get it and everyones like ‘connect with your inner self! look inside yourself for the magic!’ And the protags like that makes no fucking sense

my friend and I have determined two things today

1. bees are sex machines

2. diamonds make you more attractive

conclusion: a bee holding a diamond is the sexiest thing alive

dreams are weird because you can have dreams about a whip cream based restaurant that kills people or about having some cool music on iTunes and there’s no in between

I wish there were ‘for fun’ sports clubs in high school for kids that are just starting out in a sport so they can’t actually join a competitive team

pro tip: buy your heels at a dance supply store, they’re designed for you to be able to be comfortable wearing them for longer periods of time while actually doing things other than sitting around (granted, you probably shouldn’t wear them outside too much)

sometimes I wish I could just pass out on command so I could get out of awkward conversations

I made a deviantart when I was like 12 and today they emailed me saying I had a discount on prints for the rest of the day like that’s great buddy but it’s 10 pm