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Dee
I am Dee and I welcome you to this mess (my blog)
Featuring my anxiety, funny moments of my life and many many fandoms.
| 20 | she/her | chaotic pan | dual college student |
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Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault, Self-Harm
I just want to get this off my soul right here and now, as it is pretty hard to talk to my sister or my bestfriend and I mean they now about the incident but still.
The last two years were way too hard on my mental health.
It has almost been two years, but two years ago something in was broken.
He just groped me and that was a horrible experience and I sure as hell hate that guy, because he was a friend.
But back then the first person I started to hate was myself. I froze. I could have told him off. I could have done just about anything. But I didn't.
Now I understand things better. I understood it never was my fault. Never will be.
But still the last two years were hard.
There were so many people on my birthday last year. But I felt so alone. I felt so broken. I felt as if I didn't deserve any of that. I didn't deserve happiness.
It was hard to become the person I am now. Because I kinda didn't want to exist anymore.
I still hate that guy. But we are still kind of colleagues. And I hate it.
I always wanted to leave my hometown, i literally annoyed my parents so much, bc I just wanted to leave. I even gone to school on another city.
I think my father understood something was wrong, when I suddenly didn't want to leave my hometown anymore. I just wanted to stay home.
But I mean I am happy now. I started to love myself again. I finally can wear my cloths without feeling like a stranger. I found people who really love me and would protect me no matter what. And I saw who would protect me no matter what.
I mean my that would off the guy if he could. I was and always will be one of his little girls and he would protect me no matter what.
My mother is an other story. She does not now what happend. She has a certain opinion about
SA. She sees the fault in the victim and not the perpetrator.
And I mean I know her opinion, but I don't think I could endure this.
My oldest sister is the best. She would do absolutley anything to protect me and I don't now how I was blessed with such an amazing guardian angle.
My middle sister and I are complicated. She knows about it but I don't know if she has an opinion about this. But she thinks that I'm too naive so I dunno what she thinks.
I am thankful for my best friend. She is such a cutie and helped me so much.
The last two years were pretty hard. But I am proud to say that I survived.
#sexual assault#self harm#trigger warning#had to get this out of my head#im sorry#thank you for listening
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Okey here I go again with random stuff noone really wants to know.
So I am usually a person that has like dozens weird encounters. And yea I mean I could rant about weird encounters while walking my dog for HOURS.
But this next weird encounter just happened some minutes ago and left me with a smile on my face so it wasn't even bad.
Do in my home town we have a shopping mall (but it's really small and crappy). So I was grocery shopping in the Supermarket (so to be specific a Kaufland). My mom was at the nail studio.
So I finish grocery shopping and then check I with my ma to see how long her nails will take. After that I just want to get to the parking deck as fast as possible cuz I kinda feel anxiety building up (and I am just very jumpy and panicy today).
Out of nowhere a stranger is like: "You have really cool pants." (Background info I am currently wearing olive green skinny cargo pants)
So I was visibly confused and might have had a blush cuz I am really bad at receiving compliments. So I blurted out a Thanks and walked on.
The stranger kept talking: Yeah, I mean you wear a cargo pants and not many women wear them these days so that's cool.
I then realized that the stranger also wore cargo pants. So I was like now beaming like a little ray of sunshine and thanked him again.
After that we just wished each other a great day and have gone our separate ways.
Kinda happy right now and the guy eased my anxiety.
TL;DR: Random guy complimented my cargo pants in the mall, eased my anxiety. And is currently the hero of day.
#anxiety#cargopants#yah#letsallbondovercargopants#storytime#nomadrantingthistime#happydiii#cargo pants#weird encounter#germany
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My dad is hyperfixated on Harley Davidson Bikes and John Travolta Movies.
What is your dad’s weird hyperfixation??? They all have one
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Reblog this if you think it’s okay to support multiple different ships for the same character in a fandom.
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Ok but Throwback to some months ago when my m!best friend told me, that he and my f!best friend were both hitting on me. Or at least trying to hit on me. And I was just like hwat? I mean I am a chaotic dumb Pan ™️, but how didn't I notice this.
I just wonder how dumb I can be sometimes cause it never occurred to me... (also I did hit on one of them very very early in our friendship but I don't think it was noitced)
Just cuz I wanna write smt now I'll tell you our three people group dynamic.
My m!best friend is our token straight. And he is the second oldest of us. And he is a gamer.
My f!best friend is lesbian. And I called it way before she even came out (or knew herself). She is way to precious and has to be protected. Also the oldest out of our friend group. But has 0 mom energy.
One of the other f!friends is our most favourite hoe (affectionate). She is a very smort and funny individual but has to strikt parents so that's literally shit.
The other f!friends outta the group is a my literal partner in crime cuz we both are geminis and let me tell ya, we are both sinnamon rolls. Also she is just like some day older than me. And the best caregiver when needed.
And then there's me the chaotic bi™️, that is smol and the reincarnation of a chihuahua (also I am the youngest). Like I said in combination with that one friend I am a sinnamon roll (tho that comes naturally 24/7). Also I am kinda the most likely to be the mom friend? I always want everyone to be OK and will literally cross the country to hug you.
Tho all things being said, I am pretty sad cause I don't really see them on a regular basis. We've all finished school 2020 and let me say I miss those idiots. And with all of us being scattered, it is just hard to meet (plus covid regulations).
But ok, I found some new friends during the dual university thing and I think that's good. But I literally would love a big group hug about rn.
TL;DR I am sad cuz I can't hug/see my friend group bc of covid regulations and other things. Also a introduction to my friend group. +I wrote the post and just rolled with it (was supposed to me smt else Ig?). Also here I am talking bout my feelings, which I usually don't do but hello tumblr Iove to throw my emotions into this void.
#personal#feelings#i started with one topic and wooosh i am somewhere else#sorry bout that#i just m sad rn#sad bi energy
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I just feel like shit. Cuz I had several panic attacks yesterday. Like my trigger where everywhere. But ice rules the world ig, because it kinda helps with every panic attack. :3
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Ok ok ok ok ok
So I experienced the best fucking feeling this really beautiful morning.
Ok but I'll start properly. So after the last weeks my half of the room (that I share with my sis) got really really REALLY messy. Like I've started to just push things into to my wardrobe. And then I just threw them on THE chair (you now the chair everyone kinda has to put cloths on it, its rly rly dumb). So then my wardrobe was a mess and the chair pile was growing big.
So yesterday I asked my sis (I have two of them so this one isn't the one I'm sharing my room with) to help me. Like she didn't have to clean up cuz thats my mess no begin with. But she folded my cloths (very very thankful). So after that my room was clean again and my wardrobe was organized.
Here come the best part. I just woke up (its 7 am here) AND forgot that I cleaned up. So when I opened my eyes I was in s positiv shock AND now I am in a good mood.
TL;DR: I didn't clean my room for weeks. Then I cleaned it with the help of my sis. The next morning I forgot about it, so when I realized my mood got really good.
#personal#i normally am a very neat person#buuuut#somethimes im just like duiuuuuuuuh#so the i stop#and then it gets t#really#bad and messy
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Stitch at the start of the movie, imprisoned for being an abomination and torn away from the one person he’s familiar with just minutes after his creation. No reason for living but to be a menace to society, no experience or loved ones or even memories to visit. Rebuffs any attempt to find the decency in him by cursing out the entire council and is rightfully banished for being unstable and dangerous: I AM UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF CHAOS!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO DESTROY!!!!!!! DEATH TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!
Stitch by the end of the movie, handcuffed yet complacent in his arrest as he understands that while he still qualifies as a monster in the council’s eyes, he himself knows that he is good and the time he’s spent free and everything he’s learned about a sense of belonging, family, love and his own identity has been worth anything that can possibly happen to him now. Says very quietly but clearly proud as he introduces Lilo and Nani: This is my family. I found it all on my own. It’s little. And broken. But still good. Yeah. Still good.
me who has seen the movie 748 times but will never truly be over it:
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OP warlords ranked by sluttiness (least to most)
Kuma: Catholic. Not internally or externally slutty. Regularly sends sluts he doesn’t like flying off into the distance
Blackbeard: contrary to what this image may suggest, not that slutty. Just a bad dude. Hate him
Moria: just look at him. Not that those shaped like gourds can’t be slutty, but he isn’t. Only ranks higher than blackbeard by virtue of having slutty friends
Buggy: part of his title is “the clown.” Still not in slutty territory, but very divorced
Crocodile: it saddens me to say this but with him we have reached the sluts. He is not particularly slutty, but far and away sluttier than the first four
Jinbei: do i want to think about jinbei’s sluttiness? No, but the truth must be said, he can get it
Hancock: very externally slutty, not very internally slutty. Does not rank higher due to her attraction to Luffy, a sexless being
Law: higher internal sluttiness than one would expect. Wish I could find the pic of him in wano with his dick hanging out.
Mihawk: extraordinarily slutty. Walks around in tight pants and a cape. Not true catholic—only in it for the aesthetic, which in fact raises his sluttiness
Whore
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Haha who is also always feeling guilty for things you didn't even do? Like you are obviously hurting in a situation and instead of trying to blame it on the people whose fault it actually is, you blame yourself for not doing/saying anything.
Why brain? Why are you doing this to me.
#personal#ranting#anxiety hits harder than anything literally#m just mad#because i keep helping people and being there for people#but thats like the only thing they really think i want to do#like no mister who i am best friends since some years now#yes i am really glad that you come to me with all ur problems#i love to be there for you#BUT i also kinda want to hear happy things for a change#like i guess everyone knows#i mean it really feels like shit when someone tells you something bout ur best buddy and ur like: ???? hwat#but ok what am i even expecting.#sjxbnwkskskfnenw#m mad rn
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Ok, but school is just literally useless. I mean not the learning part (even if I hate it). But how they teach us to learn. So (i can only speak for the german education system but still) they put way too many topics in one year and then even push in some test and exams. So instead of learning the stuff properly, we just learn for the exam. And if you are no overly motivated individual, you erase evrey last bit of it afterwards.
And they continue to do this for years. Push us in the one learning system, stress us and kinda mentally destroy us. And then all of them wonder why all of us are literally done with life when we are like 16.
Futhermore there are almost no teachers, that care about the mental health of students. (Im not saying that they dont exist. I had a teacher in school that really cared about us and I now for a fact I wouldn't have survived all those years without her). So instead of trying to help us, the just burden us more and say some shit about how we should be more thankful and stuff.
Like I would try to be more thankful. If I wouldn't die in the stress of my life.
And maybe I am suffering and not ok. In fact almost everyone in this damn building is suffering and not ok. Cuz that is what modern teenagers do. Like burn-outs and depression start to occur more often in the younger generations (teenagers and young adults). I just don't think that that could be healthy.
And adults go like: oh they all must be tricking the doctors.
I just am upset about this topic, dunno.
#school#ranting bout school again#like i said i can only speak for the german education system#to be more specific only the one in Baden-Württemberg#bc we have different education systems in all the different states#its a mess#also like#if i go live in berlin#i can have better grades easier#cuz they have lower standards than bw#ignorant adults#teenagers#angst#madddd#mad and sad#personal
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Wizard who got tired of fighting and casts fucked up unethical spells like “super brain hemorrhage” to end them faster
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I found this gem agai
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