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blog-celestialexperience-blog · 6 years

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9/17/18

So i guess it’s been a while since my last post, but I have found that I write when I’m down or lost or sometimes both. But now I feel good. I’m looking pretty good too, but how I feel really does account to everything about my current self.

My current self is bold and confident with a dash of handwork and dedication. I have big BIG goals set ahead of myself, but the only way to reach it is if I work towards it. No one else can my my future happen the way I have dreamt other than myself. I have such an amazing support system and a loving boyfriend to help push me along. I just hope I don’t screw up. Get caught in the mess of it all and get distracted or misguided. I know I will find myself back on the path, but I want to reach that goal sooner than later.

Later I will be a successful creative yet innovative woman working for some badass corporation or fund or whatever. I hope to only live happily and make that paper. I have a sexy body and a great personality to match. Right now it’s me against the world, but not in a negative way. This time around the world and I become allies and both conquer the dreams I so badly wish for.

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blog-celestialexperience-blog · 6 years

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8/22/18

It’s fucked up that I have my entire life in front of me just sitting there staring me in the face, like “Hello idiot get your shit together we got money to make!”. And yes okay conscience I know this is some real shit, and that I could have the life I have always wanted but I’m nervous.

Nervs create obstacles that, at the time, feels like there is no way around it. These obstacles are what I need to get over and done with. So I want to move across the country with the love of my life to start the life we both so desperately want to create. How do I get to this position in my life where nerves don’t have a forefront to my decisions? What can I do to help subside the constant “You can’t do this...you’re not that talented...you’re not funny and your laugh is kind of annoying.”. Okay that was uncalled for but you get the point.

Throughout my time in college I have grown closer to, well, myself. The nights where I stay up and welcome in the uncomfortable thoughts is a meeting for me, myself, and I. And like yes I have a wonderful boyfriend but I can’t help but to want to keep somethings bottled up inside, private.

It is this traditional reaction to nerves and detachment that I am at a constant battle with. I enjoy being independent. The lonesome coffee rituals at my favorite coffee shop each morning brings a new sense of pleasure I did not know till I moved to college. Now each morning I sip my coffee, read my emails and in those moments I sense a new fresh confidence creep up on me. A calmness that does not dare to make way in times of distress or immense social gatherings. But this is okay, this is me, myself, and I time to unclog any botherings and a time to reassess my goals and inner self.

So who am I today while I sip my coffee and look over my emails? I am a senior in college about to graduate with a degree in Public Relations. I am a girlfriend preparing for a life with my best friend and for a life I have yet experienced, possible marriage and a family. I am a friend, a sister, a foe who is working on bettering themselves for themselves and the ones I love.

Nerves flow in like the caffeine addicted peers I am surrounded with this morning. I could fail, leaving my esteem at the door, or I could succeed. Succeeding is the goal, whatever that entails I promise to always chose the path that will benefit me in every way (happiness, wealth, contacts, skills, etc. related to all that goos shit.

Tomorrow, maybe I’ll be nervous of what is yet to be explored. Today I am excited and eager to scratch my knees and earn the life I so badly strive for.

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blog-celestialexperience-blog · 6 years

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8/20/18

Today marked the day I can stop freaking out about money, well for a while that is. After completing all the paper work to have access to more loans I was granted my wish. I am now comfortable knowing I can buy groceries next time I need them or knowing I can buy that smoothie after my work out.

And then theres the work out itself. Because of my new fortune I treated myself to some take out, chicken wrap, mozzarella sticks, and fries. Not my healthiest choice but for some lousy reason Salad Works etc. weren’t open. ANYWAYS I am now sitting in my bed hating myself for that crap of a meal I just ate.

Tomorrow will mark the day I start a healthier lifestyle. Over the pity party “I think I’m kinda fat but I refuse to do anything about it” me, myself, and I won’t be attending. I do enjoy working out and seeing results. It encourages me and helps boost my overall esteem, but it is the food that is my worst best friend.

I love eating. It can be soothing and fun with a twist of spicy or sweet. I gorge myself most of the time. Eating so fast I end up sick and not hungry in the slightest. No seconds and no confidence is often the result.

So maybe I’ll try being a vegetarian again; it’d save money and would defiantly help me keep track of my goals along with increasing quick results. That’s right, I’m talking about that booty and belly area. I want a cute butt and smaller waist, and the thing is it’s completely achievable! With a little time and effort I know I can shrink into that smaller size.

And that’s another thing, female sizes are a total joke. One pair will say I’m a size 12 yet another reads “9″ indicating an obvious shrinkage. Without basing my weight on sizes or scales I will base it off of how I feel and my overall confidence level. I know I’m a cute chick, my boyfriend thinks the same but it’s how I feel about myself at the end of the day.

Until that night where I can sleep without wanting to rewind and order a salad, I’m going to dream about that smoothie I’ll be sipping on after my evening workout. Gotta start somewhere I suppose.

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blog-celestialexperience-blog · 6 years

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8/8/18

There are things I wish I were better at, like pottery, singing, poetry, or being honest with my feelings. These are areas that I want to focus on, or at least think about improving from time to time. But with so many things floating around in my head it’s difficult to put aside time for those minor things.

Classes start next week, exactly a week to be specific. This will be my last semester at WVU, and although I am excited to be a bonafide graduate I can’t help but to think...”Will I ever have the time to improve on all those areas?” I know I can set aside time for these skills but what about all my other hobbies I have intertwined into my lifestyle.

I go through phases where I’m obsessed with a particular hobby (collaging, photography, painting, yoga, etc.) it is because of these already adapted hobbies that I convince myself that I have a limit. How could I possibly be good at all of those activities? This thought beams into my vision each time I try a new type of art or skill that has the possibly of a crash and burning ending.

But then again, why wouldn’t I try it out? What’s the worst thing that could happen? I such at whatever it is and move onto the next obsession? I create something unique and innovative that is striking to the public? The possibilities are honestly endless so why decide a fate that has no guarantee?

This semester I want to actually create that time to expand my creative hobbies and improve on undiscovered territories. So what if I have classes and a boyfriend along with amazing friends, I can make this work! Pick up a new trick and work on it till I either decide I suck or discover I have what it takes to be a seamstress or an artiest or maybe even a pogo champ! Whatever happens this semester I want to be able to walk away with interesting skills and the ability to say I tried it.

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blog-celestialexperience-blog · 6 years

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8/4/18

With all the countless thoughts running throughout my head I have to remind myself to live in this moment. Classes beginning, preparing to apply to jobs and possible internships, my overall life and the problems that continue to arise; it can be overwhelming but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I used to always be in the mindset of the future. And although that is important ,and honestly a tool to help soften the ever possible blow, I want to focus more on the “now” and keep the “then” tucked behind me..for now. Of course I will continue to day dream about moving away and finding the perfect job, but for right now I can’t help but to force myself to be in the present. I am constantly drifting away into thought about a conversation I had the night before or if I forgot to turn the laundry machine on. It is these thoughts that crowd my head.

So now understanding my mind a little better, I want to try to stop those thoughts from crowding in my space when they’re not needed. But it will be hard, especially since I have so much to look forward to and so much I have to be responsible for. I mean this is my life I’m talking about here!

I have one goal and that is to remain calm and observant. Many times I am not active in the moment. My mind will drift away and I’m left there to figure out what the fuck I missed during that 5 second pause of me thinking about if that passive aggressive response was real or if I completely made it up. 5 seconds later and I’m back, sorta’ve.

I am going to use this time to test my will and mind. To push myself to stay in track but to also allow myself to have the time to roam away from the track. That time will be for when I am alone or not doing anything too important. Thinking about my surroundings or just paying attention to what they’re saying might help as well (lmao of course it will).

At the end of the day I have myself to take care of and a future to plan for. But in those moments that compile into each day, I need to remind myself that it’s okay to take a break from the planning and worrying and just be free from thought. It will be hard, but I know it’s worth it. I know these moments I’ll never get back and the conversations I miss can’t be reenforced time after time. It is my responsibility to be aware, again I have myself at the end of the day.

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blog-celestialexperience-blog · 6 years

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8/1/18

To say I wasn’t, or possibly still am, depressed would result to some tears and confusion. I did not think I was depressed till 2 days ago when I realized I had no energy or thought to do anything that day. I laid around and then ended up drinking a few beers with anna lyn, my dear friend who lives up the block. That afternoon it dawned on me that I was not happy. Now this is not an uncommon thought because I have once had issues with self love and receiving love from others, but today was different. I could feel it, the underlying worries and stresses, creeping towards me. Molding over my figure and thoughts and twisting and folding over into self doubt with a mix of paralyzing guilt.

As I sat on the stool drinking my second beer I had an unsettling thought. “Am I depressed?”. The question rang throughout my mind and later crept its’ way to my texting conversation with my boyfriend, Daniel. “Idk what’s wrong with me.” I said. “This week has sucked and I feel so exhausted for no reason. Like this feeling won’t go away.” It was evident that there was something up, I was too stubborn and embarrassed to notice let alone want to talk about it. But then Daniel stepped in, hitting the nail right on the head.

“Celeste I think you maybe a little depressed, and it’s okay. Lots of people feel depressed all the time.” And Daniel was right, I knew this already but hearing it out loud and from someone I admire and care about so much hit that nail even harder. Like I said, I had this thought the night before but this time it was as if a shield of ice had been broken. I could now see the end of this rut I was in.

I have had those feelings before this week and so many days. When my first boyfriend and I broke up I could feel this heavy sheet fall over me. This sheet was lonely and cold. I remember coming home from classes and just sitting in my bed watching Netflix till I passed out. No friends came to hang out, not many parties were thrown, lots and lots of poetry was written but then was different. This type of sadness is the kind you see in movies. The type that leaves a helpless doe on the side of the road to fend for itself. This type of sadness moved in and began calling my its’ home. I finally got over the breakup and eventually kicked out the sadness and promised myself that I would take better care of myself. That I would confront these emotions before they confront me.

Maybe that is why this week was so down and awful. It was a feeling I had once been too familiar with, but this time I wasn’t allowing it to even unlock the door. Okay so maybe I allowed it to hang out on my front porch so to speak. I am so thankful for Daniel and all the courage and love he gives me. If it wasn’t for him this time I would still be in that rut.

It’s always weird waking up in the morning and not feeling exhausted and lonely after a period of time where that’s how your mornings began each day. Today I had a morning just like that. Waking up I felt good! I don’t know how else to explain it other than I felt overall really good and satisfied with my life. Sure I have many things I still have to deal with and experience but after talking to Daniel about life right now and our lives in the future, I knew that the problems I was so obsessed with weren’t really problems at all.

So now I am back on track. I know what I want my life to be like, who I want in it and how to get all of that. Being depressed consumes a person, makes it difficult it get out of bed let alone talk about it. I want to use that pain and frustration to create art, or at least something of positive value.

I am excited to see what this school year has in store for me. With graduation, a possible job and relocation for said job, I could really be getting myself stressed out and worried. But I know who I am and the skills and desires I embody. I am not afraid of the future as much as I was a week ago, if anything I am excited and eager to begin this next chapter with Daniel.

I want to begin writing a blog post at least once a week. I will upload it to this page and if it catches peoples’ attention or helps someone further understand themselves or just show that they are not alone then that would be so fulfilling. This blog is a tool for me to help digest my surroundings along with sorting out my feelings, worries, thoughts, etc. Starting today I will begin noting my days and emotions, and although this will take courage, it is something I need to work on to not only better myself but also the loved ones I surround myself with.

#emotional #journal #blog #blog post #college #depression #20 someting #therapy #help #love yourself #self care #self love #couple #romance #celestialexperience

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