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21.02.23
ate well and mindfully today. had 1500 cals and feeling satisfied, too :) i improvised a recipe for keto pizza and it was really good. i'll be having that again i think.
doing keto is rewarding because it's new and it gives me something to channel my food obsessions into semi reasonably, since it can be an actual challenge to come up with new keto meals. i do worry about what happens when i eat somewhere else, though. so far i've only eaten at home but eventually i'm bound to go out, plus i'll be spending a few days at my parent's place soon and i don't think i can explain keto to them. i'll have to come up with something; maybe i can ask that we eat salads for dinner and i'll have eggs for breakfast, but to be fair, keto is quite restrictive and when i'm not in charge of my meals, that might pose a problem.
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20.02.23
yesterday went pretty well, i stuck to all my methods and ate mindfully and well. i'm doing keto now for like two or three weeks to get off the sugar.
however, today i kinda fucked up. i ate fine all day but i had a huge sack of potatoes at home that weren't gonna last much longer, and since i'm doing keto but didn't want them to go to waste, i figured i'd make them into fritters and freeze them to eat at some point in the future. i knew it would be a challenge not to have any but i thought i could do it.
well, i couldn't. i ended up having four of the fritters - meaning i'm wayyyyy over my carb goal today. i was telling myself originally that i could have a singular bite and not be out of ketosis, plus i was using unprocessed ingredients only, but i was nibbling during the cooking process and eventually i figured i was out of ketosis anyways so i might as well have some. i tried to keep it from escalating by still plating them and sitting down to eat and so on, instead of eating them standing up straight from the stove, and i did manage to stop eventually. still, i ended up breaking practically all my eating rules today. it wasn't the type of binge i was doing every night a week ago, but it wasn't exactly reassuring, either. what's important though is that it didn't spiral way out of control. i need to appreciate that i didn't go ape shit, i didn't go way over my calorie goal, and i "binged" on food that while high in carbs was otherwise healthy, homecooked and made from fresh and whole food ingredients.
prior to eating those fritters, i had a small portion of keto friendly chocolate, and since it does without artifical sweetener or sugar, i figured it didn't really count as sweets. still, i have to consider the possibility that that influenced me to overeat later. so until march i'm going to tighten the rules to absolutely nothing sweet, even if it's in line with keto.
so what did i learn today?
a) i'm not at a point where i can reliably resist temptation so while doing keto, i need to minimise my contact with food that will kick me out of ketosis
b) i need to take my "no snacking" rule seriously. ESPECIALLY if i'm around food i can't have in large quantities right now (by which i mean foods high in carbs)
c) experimentally, i will cut out anything sweet for at least one full week, even if it's low carb and doesn't contain any sweetener (even fruit and so on)
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today i binged for the last time
i binged today. it wasn't pretty - it never is - but it holds a certain importance. it was the last time i have ever binged.
i was was violently throwing up, again and again, at work, and neglecting my work because of it, i felt a wave of despair crash over me like never before. i was so bloated that i had to unzip my pants and put a sweater over it so no one would see and it hurt like hell. and i went back for more. again, and again.
it was the last time i've ever binged. mark my words.
i have made this empty promise to myself a million times but today, i am clear about it. today, i believe it. i know it's true. because i am finally, finally at the point where i can truthfully say - i never want to binge again. i never want to eat food that makes me binge again. i would rather give up all my favourite foods than be this powerless over my own life ever again. i no longer want to be tortured by this constant brain fog, these persistent jabs at my sanity of constantly thinking about food, fighting with myself, bargaining, arguing. it has controlled me, has been the focus of my life for far too long, the reason for so much hatred, so much despair. and no matter what method or diet or routine i've tried, this mental poison of obsession with food would always seep through, and even if i could rid myself of it for a few hours, it would come back. i can not love myself like this. i can not enjoy my life like this. every day it goes on, it goes on because i let it. every day passed is one i will never get back.
so i won't binge again. i will quit all sweets, especially chocolate. i will not have cookie dough or chocolate donuts or nutella even though it tastes divine. because i refuse to be defeated.
maybe some day in a faraway future, i will have those foods again. but i am not anxious for that day to come. if it never does, then i have not lost anything. i am not giving up chocolate because i must, but because i want to. and if i wanted to, i could eat it at any time - there is no one stopping me. but i don't want to. and that's why i'm no longer eating it.
because there is nothing to be gained from it. those foods are tasty, but that's it. i know how they taste. i know how it feels to eat them. and it has not made a difference to my life whether i have eaten them ten or fifty or three thousand times. they don't taste good because they are good for me - they taste good because they are heartlessly engineered to do so.
i always stuck to the idea that loving these foods was somehow integral to my identity - how pathetic. my identity is not bound to industrially mass-produced junk that only tastes good because it was designed to turn me into a mindlessly hooked costumer. the only reason i would think that is because of how eerily brilliant this industry is at getting me addicted. and whenever i reasoned that i couldn't "quit" nutella because loving it was such a big part of who i was, both to myself and the outside world, in that moment, the reflection i saw of myself was one i silently cringed at.
at least smoking looks (a little) cool (sometimes). at least drinking makes me feel more deeply and more poetically than i often do sober. and thank fuck i am not addicted to either. i can say this confidently because neither substance, while i do love both to varying extents, holds the power over me - has me sweating and wretching so tightly in its grip every single day - as food does. and that is why i allow myself to enjoy and indulge in these, every now and then - because i actually can.
but binging doesn't make me feel more deeply, or know myself better, or even look cool. there is no part of it that i want to identify with and every time i do identify with my love for some food, i look down on myself.
no more.
i know that quitting won't be easy. i know that i will struggle and my mind will nag me and tell me to eat and make exceptions and come up with all the great reasons why i should eat this or that, and most importantly, in excess.
but i know the voice of the addiction. it sounds a lot like my own but deep inside i know the difference. i can tell when i'm eating to nourish my body, i can tell when i should stop, and i can tell when i shouldn't even start.
and when the voice that wants to binge starts yelling and screaming i will know that this is the battle, the real battle, and the louder it gets the closer i am to winning. it will almost be triumphant to feel those urges, because they give me something to fight. and it's a fight i know i will win.
it will be tough - i know it will. but i'm tougher. what i lacked before was the genuine will and conviction to let go of the eating i've always known. i kept thinking i would somehow miss it. that it would somehow negatively impact my life to never have one of those amazing donuts with bueno cream and chocolate and raspberries again. but it won't. i know how they taste and i am not losing anything by not eating them - there are other indulgences far more worth it, there are foods that taste fantastic and actually nourish my body, and my social relationships do not, have never and will never depend on my eagerness to eat junk.
i will replace the binges with appreciation, love and care. i will eat not to numb and hurt myself through excess but to nourish my body and mind. instead of stuffing myself with everything i can find right out of the package, standing half naked in front of the fridge at night, i will revel in preparing meals for myself and others because cooking is an art form that involves all senses, and instead of eating as fast as i can and trying to hide and getting upset whenever someone threatens to keep me from it, i will eat mindfully and slowly and with genuine interest in my food and my self.
i will never binge again. not once. and i know that i can do it. i know that i will. because i am in control of this and i will not be overpowered by something as mundane as food.
not today, not tomorrow. never.
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16.02.23.
i was gonna fast today but ended up eating keto instead. i'm reading and learning so much about sugar and even though i feel somewhat resistant, i am slowly coming to terms with the idea that it might be the solution for me. i really need to figure out if it's gonna be possible for me to abstain from overeating sugar naturally or if i'll have to introduce a strict no-sugar rule.
anyways, i fasted for 18h, then ate 2100 calories within one hour (turns out ground beef has insane amounts of calories). i had some ground meat with cream cheese and then i was really fucking craving sugar but i had committed to not eating it, so instead i smashed some stuff together with the intent to create keto friendly cookie dough and it worked surprisingly well and was really tasty, at 15g carbs and 45g protein.
i'm doing a lot of exercise today with an hour of walking, another hour of riding my bike, one hour of using the indoor cycling machine at the gym and some weight lifting, so technically my eating is fine for the day. still, i worry that the cookie dough, even though i didn't use any sugar nor artificial sweetener, might have been a bad choice based on how desperately i wanted it (considering the whole addiction situation). since the protein powder i used had artifical sweetener in it which i intend to avoid, that's what's kind of worrying me.
i'm restarting the fast now and hoping to go for seven days.
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15.02.23
i slept horribly last night, after that bizarre and very bad drunkenness. therefore i wasn't feeling my best today. i could definitely tell i was really craving carbs and sweets. i ate a fairly large breakfast of three eggs with cheese and cream cheese and then, barely two hours later, made myself a steak because i really wanted to eat. then i met a friend and we had arepas with chicken and avocado and went on a walk. he suggested getting a bubble tea but i said i didn't want to, and apart from the social pressure of not wanting to disappoint my friend, turning that down wasn't hard. i felt pretty good about my day as i'd stuck to all my rules but then when i went to bed, i suddenly felt incredibly hungry and just didn't have it in me anymore to push through. so i got back up, made another steak (steaks were on discount in my supermarket today so i got several and put them in the freezer) and some udon noodles. it was fantastic, though i knew the udon noodles were high in simple carbs and i had resolved to avoid those. anyways though, i was craving chocolate so bad and my roommates nutella was singing its siren's song to me. i opened it, smelled it and reminded myself that it wasn't good for me, it was an addictive substance and if i had some now, i would only be fueling my addiction. then i went back to bed.
once again i am way over my maintenance calories and that feels really, really bad, especially since it's suddenly become my new normal. where before i'd be upset if i had 1800 calories, now i regularly eat more than 3000 and feel helpless to do anything about it. still, for today, the success was not eating any sweets. tomorrow i'm starting a week long fast to (once again) reset my insulin and give my body a chance to detox. after that, i want to commit to keto for at least two weeks, in the hopes that 21 consecutive days of nearly zero sugar will be enough to stop me from craving it. if that does not work, i will have to consider seriously quitting sugar once and for all, and i am very scared of that, to be honest. but right now my eating is completely out of control and that is even scarier.
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14.02.23
aaand i fucked up. it all went well until i got drunk with a friend. i even went for a run in the early afternoon and felt optimistic. it was supposed to be the day i'd allow myself a sweet treat because we had planned to go out for cake and then the cafe was closed and she offered me some cookies, which i accepted but managed to not completely obsess over. then we got drunk and on my way home i got some fast food and at home i binged on random shit, including some chocolate, and ended up eating near 4000 calories in total.
shit. i don't know if it was the alcohol; i'm hoping so. i felt very dizzy and not good at all despite not having drunk much so something must have been off. needless to say i feel horrible, but there's nothing to do but keep going. i do think that the lesson here is that my resolve crumbles once i'm drunk and thus i can not expect myself to stick to my plans if i allow myself to drink. i won't be drinking for at least a week now so i'll try to come up with a solution to not let it go like that again next time i do drink.
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13.02.23
i stuck to all my rules today. i don't know the last time that happened on a day i actually ate - usually, the only "good" days are the days i fast, and eating anything inevitably leads to binging. i am super proud of myself right now.
at around 13:00 i made tofu with eggplant and korean rice cake. i took my time to cook it. i put half of what i prepared aside to eat another day, and then when i ate my portion, i realised i was full before i'd finished and i actually managed to stop eating and set the rest aside too. this is huge for me; normally, everything in me screams to finish it all.
then throughout the day i did fine on just tea. i had some thoughts of snacking every now and then but i knew i would go out to eat in the evening and i wanted to be able to eat unrestricted there. when i went, i had a small appetiser i shared with a friend, noodles with duck, and a taro milkshake. it was fantastic and without even really meaning to i ate pretty slowly - much slower than my friend anyways - because i was prioritising the conversation. i finished that meal at around 20:00, so i will now fast until noon tomorrow.
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starting out, here are the non negotiable rules that i will strive to follow every single day.
have a 16h fasting period between meals each day - ideally eat only from 12:00-20:00, but if something interferes with that schedule, the time of the last meal today will determine the time of the first meal of tomorrow by being seperated through a 16h fasting period
have a 40h fasting period once a week - this allows me to eat 2000 calories six days a week while still coming out at a deficit and it resets my insulin sensitivity, which i definitely profit from
eat no more than three meals a day; absolutely no caloric intake between meals. if i have a latte for breakfast, that's one meal. if i want an apple for a snack, that's a meal. this serves to prevent emotional or boredom eating - if i am truly hungry, instead of grazing on singular slices of cheese throughout the day, i can commit to having an actual meal, eat, and then be done with it
sit down to eat and eat mindfully. prepare, plate and serve every meal. no eating standing up or out of the package. this will hopefully contribute to a more mindful approach to eating and prevent grazing and boredom eating.
no packaged sweets. this one is temporary for now, i'm hoping to be able to allow sweets back into my diet at some point, but right now, i am unable to control myself around them whatsoever and i am very clearly addicted to sugar. since i can simply buy them, there is no situational value attached like with baking cookies or having birthday cake, so for now, i'm committing to total abstinence
sweet "treats" only on one day per week. again, this one is temporary for the moment and serves mostly to allow me to bake cookies with friends or go out for cocktails every now and then. i know i am unable to eat sweets reasonably, even at home, so i can not allow a casual attitude towards them. as with the previous point, i am hoping to be able to beat my sugar addiction and loosen up on this at some point. alternatively though, if i can not stick to this, i will have to give up sweets entirely and completely
no second servings. i am unable to cook at home without eating it all. meal prepping is mostly impossible for me. i will therefore try to establish a clear rule of not allowing second servings - i will prepare a portion i deem sufficient, and if i finish it, that's it. if i am genuinely hungry, i can go back and have another meal an hour later, but chances are i'm not truly hungry and i have to learn to see food as nourishment for my body instead of a quick dopamine fix to hit whenever i feel understimulated or overwhelmed.
i will carefully watch myself in these coming weeks and try to figure out what triggers binges. especially the sugar concerns me and i am desperately hoping to find that i don't have to cut it out completely; i am holding on to the hope that i can still learn a normal relationship with it and eventually indulge every now and then without feeling myself completely lose control.
i will also focus on eating as much organic and unprocessed food as possible and i think i will formulate this into specific guidelines in the future, but for now, i think this is more than enough to work on. i am doing constant research on food addiction and nutrition and my current quest will be to figure out a sustainable way of eating that puts me in control of myself and is good for my body and mind. i will be documenting as much of this as possible, and i will push to write about it even and especially when i fail, because those are the situations i need to learn from.
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it's time for me to face that i am an addict and food is my drug. i am in a perpetual and constant battle with myself and this war consists of binging, restricting, purging, fasting and exercising. it has taken enough now. in calling this an addiction, i am committing to treating it. i am taking it seriously, and i am accepting full responsibility.
i don't know how exactly this addiction works yet and i am reading a lot on it as well as doing research online. it will take time for me to figure out what works and what doesn't. i know i really struggle with absolutes, so committing to never eating sweets again, for example, feels near unbearable, but some sources say it's necessary. i am finally at the point where i'm willing to go even that far, if i find that it is. i will use this blog to document my eating in relationship to my feelings, thoughts and actions to hopefully figure out what triggers which behaviours.
ultimately, i am no longer willing to poison my body and spirit day by day, only to realise despite all the pain and suffering of all my exertions i continuously return to the same weight, health and body image. so i am going into battle one final time, both for and against myself. and i will fight.
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21-day fast: stats after one week
so one week is done and frankly it hasn't been great, but i think that's mostly due to all the stress of the thesis, the insomnia and my period. anyways, here's an update post.
the measurements each compare those on day one to those on day seven. inaccuracies are definitely possible because i'm measuring myself and i probably don't find the exact same spot every time etc.
weight: 73.3 kg —> 68.0 kg (-5 kg / 11 lbs)
waist: 80.5 cm —> 73 cm (-7.5 cm / 2.95")
hips: 113 cm —> 111 cm (-2 cm / 0.78")
chest: 98 cm —> 93 cm (-5 cm / 1.96")
thighs: 66 cm —> 64 cm (-2 cm / 0.78")
upper arms: 28.5 cm —> 28 cm (-0.5 cm / 0.19")
progress photos:
keep in mind these photos are completely relaxed with practically no intentional tension or posture. i could have posed and the loss would have looked much more impressive, but my goal isn't to impress, it's to give a point of reference as objectively as possible.
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21 day fast: day seven
last day of first week. also: first day after handing in my thesis.
- i slept normally, which was cool
- also, the horrible stress and extreme pulse went away (cool)
- however, i felt fatigued and weak all day. i'd planned to take a long walk to calm down after spending the last days indoors, and i forced myself to go, but gave up after ten minutes
- i had also planned to clean my room and work on my to do list that i had completely neglected during the prior days but again, i did not find the energy
- despite a normal night of sleep i got tired really early and went to bed, where it took three hours to actually fall asleep
- i found myself feeling super hungry and fantasising about food again, to the point where i was close to actually breaking my fast for the first time since day two
- not happy with that. last time i fasted for a week, day seven was amazing, which is kinda the entire reason i decided to go on a longer fast
i'll see how the next few days go. i'm not experiencing the endless energy other fasters describe; mostly, i'm hanging limply off my couch. to be fair, i'm going through a lot of physical stress with the thesis and being on my period, so maybe it's unfair to pin my disappointment on the fasting. i don't want to stop now, but if i don't start feeling better soon, i suppose i'll have to
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21-day fast: day five and day six
hello! late update. i have not given up but the last few days were hell and i did not have it in me to make these posts. it was the final days before my thesis deadline and i sat before the pc the entire day and was insanely stressed.
- on the upside, this meant it was pretty easy in terms of fasting because i was so stressed about the thesis that i did not have any mental space less to fantasize about food or care about hunger
- on the downside, this wrecked me. i drank a litre of green tea each day and even took a ritalin pill on day six and two on day six
- not proud of this, but i had to finish my thesis and i would not have gotten through it. i was super exhausted and tired which was probably because of the fasting
- also i started menstruating which definitely didn't help
- i slept very little and restlessly; again, common symptom while fasting, but the caffeine and the pills and stress surely didn't help
- i could not fall alseep because my heart was beating so quickly and strongly that it felt like my entire body was vibrating. never experienced that before
You might ask why I didn't choose a different time period to fast then. Simply, I couldn't find one that would be more suitable. In my last fasts, the worst part was not being able to partake in normal social life because it's so intimately tied to food. Since I had to do my thesis, I knew I couldn't plan any social events for the first week anyways, so that seemed like the best possible option.
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21-day fast: day four
felt very weak in the morning, which was bad news as i had a full day of working on my thesis ahead of me.
thus, drank half a liter of coffee blended with ice and slowly felt better. got exhausted a lot, though that might be due to the fact that i spent the entire day in front of the computer, writing.
- super cold all day
- hunger was manageable (physical, not mental - i felt weak and shit but it was not hard to resist food)
- took my potassium for the first time during this fast (i always procrastinate taking it because it's disgusting) and sipped on salt water throughout the day; i feel like that really helped
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21-day fast: day three
since i tend to sleep very poorly when fasting AND i was working a 24-h shift, i made sure to go to bed nine hours before having to get up. i did fall asleep, but i woke up a lot during the night and spent large amounts of time awake.
for anyone who might be concerned: the negative symptoms listed in this post are common for this stage of a prolonged fast. i have done my research and am supplementing electrolytes. fasting is a mental challenge, meaning you do have to push yourself to succeed. still, if i started experiencing seriously dangerous symptoms, fainting etc., i would stop the fast. keep in mind that though this is really fucking tough, i am able to continue my normal routine, going to work, doing basic cardiovascular exercise etc.
- when i woke up, i was feeling shaky and weak. not tempted by food, but my body was VERY clear about being hungry. i was super sluggish, physically and mentally. even replying to a message or going picking something up seemed overwhelming and cost me a lot of mental strength. riding my bike home from work, i took twice the time i normally would because i could not bring myself to exert any more energy. all my movements were super slow. this got better in the afternoon; still hungry, but not as physically weak anymore
- really cold all day
- diarrhea :)
- after my discovery of blended black iced coffee, i put the method to the test by blending some herbal tea and it's just as smooth and frothy and good. i'm astonished. works even without ice cubes, though the texture quickly returns to normal tea. can't wait to try blending tea with honey or coffee with milk once i'm done fasting
- rode my bike from work and took it to a bike shop for repairs. walked home by foot, later picked it up again. all exercise in total i rode my bike for 40 minutes and walked for 40 minutes today.
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21-day fast: day two
eh. morning and noon were fine, but towards the later afternoon it became pretty shitty, i was very tempted to eat, and i spent the whole day researching and obsessively writing down recipes to eat once i'm done fasting, and the according grocery lists.
i did discover that blending black coffee with ice cubes in a blender makes for an incredible drink. normally i only drink coffee with milk, which obviously now i can't. but blending it with ice makes it really frothy and it tastes much milder, but not watered down. incredible experience. will experiment on this further.
- didn't work out apart from riding bike to work
- had the aforementioned coffee and added some sweetener just to try it out. probably a bad idea? i will avoid sweetener for the rest of the fast, but i was so curious (and fuck, it was worth it)
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21-day fast: day one
first day. pretty fucking tough. both cravings and hunger were insane and i was constantly thinking about food. overall an 8 on the difficulty scale (with 0 meaning complete and utter disinterest in food and 10 meaning i cannot bear another moment without eating)
- had two large cups of broth because i wouldn't have made it through the day without, and an artificially sweetened drink at the gym. about 50 calories in total (that's mostly the broth, though).
- worked out for an hour because i know i won't be doing any exercise the next couple of days, judging by my last fasting experience
- i meant to do a clean, water and electrolytes only fast, but getting through the first week at all is the priority so if i must, i will allow small amounts of broth, unsweetened tea or lemon water for the first seven days
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21-day water fast - the beginning
i have committed to doing a 21-day water fast, with the goal of fixing my relationship with food, getting rid of my overpowering sugar cravings, and marking the beginning of a new approach to eating.
i will be documenting this process here.
please be aware that fasting can be dangerous, especially for underweight, chronically ill or pregnant individuals. i have done a lot of research before attempting this and i have previous experience with prolonged fasts (my longest fast yet has been seven days). if you do fast, it is absolutely necessary that you supplement electrolytes.
here are my stats on my first day of fasting:
height: 165cm
weight: 73.3 kg
waist: 80.5 cm
hips: 113 cm
chest: 98 cm
thighs: 66 cm
upper arms: 28.5 cm
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