Update

Update to the Mark thing: He decided that he is only going to meet "single girls" from now on and that I should respect his decision. Well, oookay... concidere my last post "part of the past". Thank you.

“I want more...” Well, I don’t.

Do you know the feeling of brief optimism, where you honestly hope, that your gut feeling just lies to you and everything is ideal? No? Well, I do… and yesterday it finally broke. I thought about writing down my feelings about my weight and such, but this came a bit unexpected, so I might as well tell you a story. This is the story about Mark.

Mark is (I believe) a 27 year old man. He is about 5.8 – 5.9, not much taller than me, but has a robust body-type with blond medium long hair and I think blue eyes. I don’t know, I didn’t gaze into them too much. Mark and I have a sort of complicated relationship which each other, because he was the first guy I had a date with after my break-up with my ex, but he said we should just be friends and nothing else. Because of this agreement I found G and decided to have a relationship with him (and I’m glad I did). And this was fine with him, up until one day, where everything went from friendly, to creepy and uncomfortable.

I can’t go into too much detail yet, but I will summarize the whole thing in four words: tragedy is your enemy. My tragedy? G’s fathers sudden illness and death. During all of this he couldn’t be close to me as much as I wanted him and I felt sad. Mark, as a friend was willing to listen about my harsh times and feelings and be comforting towards me when necessary. This tragedy suddenly became his “weapon”, and started to act and write in a very weird way. And in the beginning I took it as a joke. His first attempt was to watch a movie together, alone. I told him this would be very uncomfortable for me, but he insisted. In the end, I declined and he didn’t try again for about two or three weeks. After he said we should go get ice-cream together, and I agreed. We met on the bus and started talking and having fun, when all of a sudden he said: 

“Hey, you know what? The ice-cream parlous is not far away from my apartment; let’s hop in there quick for me to change.”

I, stupidly, agreed and we went there, where he offered me some water melon. We were talking about G’s father, my frustrations about university and his, so called “love-life”. After eating he asked me, if I know how to massage his back, because he has back pains. I agreed and massaged him, and bear in mind; he had clothes on as well as did I. After about five minutes of massaging him he looks at me and says 

“You know, I don’t know how to massage correctly, could I practice on you?”

This was creepy already and, as I was sitting there getting “massaged” (he LITERALLY pulled my skin off my bones), I felt a sort of tingling in my stomach, as he was trying to get as close to me as possible. And this tingling sensation was not a very comfortable feeling to have about him; this was not the type I felt with G, or any of my exes, when they touched me. After that whole cringe – worthy moment I shortly left his home. I felt very uncomfortable and woozy after all and told G about it, who just laughed it off (G is not a jealous type, he fully trusts me). I know, most girls would say that this was a major red flag and that I should have blocked his ass. Yes, well I’m not most girls, you’ll find out why later, but I kept talking to him. The next idea he had was that we should go swimming, to which I agreed, up until he started to ask me for bikini pictures, so that he could “dress the same as me”. No surprise I cancelled the next day on the basis that it’s one of “those days”. He went a bit quiet and we agreed to meet up over coffee, where we could talk and everything was okay, until he started to vigorously pushing the next meet-up, which can only be either at his place or going to the pool. I didn’t answer to that “threat” and a week later, we met up for coffee, again. At this meet up, I realized I can’t lie to myself anymore, he wants more than just friendship, because he was trying to explain to me how cheating is beneficial for a relationship. I got so mad at him that I told him something I wanted to tell him when I thought it was time for it (don’t worry, I’ll tell you too.) I was hurt and I left very soon after. After that he tried to get me out to a patisserie and to meet up, because he misses me, but I didn’t really budge. He went on a week-long vacation where he sent me photos but I didn’t really react. After he came back he wanted to visit me while I was babysitting dogs. I told him he can, but he can only stay an hour (and he deliberately only wanted to visit when G wasn’t there) and told him, to bring some flower (for baking, jeez). A half hour before the actually meeting he cancels on me because he was tired and took a rain check.

Four weeks in and not a word from him. I decided to ask him how he is, and he didn’t answer. A day later, we met on the bus, but he just said hello and moved on. I asked him, if I hurt him in any way and he said:

“Hey, no hurt feelings. But I don’t feel like talking right now.” 

To which I said “Um, okay”. A week later, yesterday night at 22:23 he wrote me:

“I would like to meet up with you, but just not as friends.”

I asked “Then how?”

“As an actual date.”

...

You know, I hoped he wouldn’t say this. I hoped, I honestly hoped we could be friends and that we could have a nice time together sometimes. No commitment, no feelings, no attractions, nothing. But, given his feelings, this is not the case… My mind about him didn’t change. He is not my type, I don’t like him and my feelings towards him won’t change in a span of five minutes, hours, days, weeks or years, even decades. I will meet up with him and tell him this that I don’t want to lose him as a friend, and give this a second thought. Bear in mind HE friend zoned me, not vice-versa. I’m meeting him on Wednesday to talk about this. We’ll see what will happen…

Who are you?

You might be saying to yourself right now: “This is ridiculous! I have no idea about you and your prologue is a mess!” And yes, you are right. But, you are reading this right now, aren’t you? Well, let me introduce you to my life and my cast.

I was born in the woods to a jackal and a deer… yeah, no let’s skip that. I was born in a very small town far away from Budapest. To be precise, across the border. I had an average childhood, with an average middle and high-school experience and, after getting into university I moved to the big city of Budapest. I’m an English major and in my second year. Why second? Because I was lazy and did not understand how the university works exactly, so I failed a little then I moved home and started over uni, and now I’m happy as a dog when he finds out he is getting a T-steak for dinner. Before my current partner I had a very bad and abusive relationship, which lasted for about two and a half years. This will be mentioned sometimes, but it’s not part of the main story arc.

Now, let’s meet some of our heroes and “antagonists”. First, we have my partner in crime, my second soul, my motivation and love: G. G would like to remain anonymous for the time being, but I’ll reveal his full name soon, when I explain why Tinder works in some situations. Then, we have the beautiful, stunning, smart and funny Victoria. Victoria is a very close girlfriend of mine, who whole-heartedly wants me to be happy with my life, but isn’t afraid to be honest at times. But, mostly a goofball. Next is my ever so sarcastic, evil and nice, sassy and a bit cynical roommate (and basically my life-long friend, because we have known each other for over twenty years) Lina. She is the one who keeps me grounded when G is not available, but sometimes, she takes it a bit too far and just turns plain evil. There is also the magnificent, one and only best friend Annabelle. She is the one I tell all my troubles and feelings if G is out of town or just… programing.

Now the “antagonist”. Currently, we have one so called antagonist because… well, I have mixed emotions about our relationship. His name is Mark and he acts weirdly and differently around me than anybody else. He is an antagonist because of the nature of his actions and his pursuit for the goal. But don’t worry, he is going to be pretty much dissected in this whole journey.

And yes. My life is plain and average with no interesting plot points and adventures. Right? Well, I’m just making you believe that from this much information, but trust me. My life is worth a novel with all its stories, adventures, and life tragedies. But that’s why you are reading this, no? Good, then keep on coming back and I’ll take you deeper into the rabbit hole.

Prologue

A sunny day. The most cliché thing to say about the weather and the most nonintellectual way to tell people how you feel. How about I start this again: a day where it’s 104 degrees outside. The sun blazing on the pavement like it’s trying to highlight the cracks on it and the threes giving a simple, but not too effective shade against it. Basically, it’s summer and I am not enjoying it.

I know, a millennial might say that I am more “edgy”, because I “must like those gloomy days of fall and winter”, but the truth is I just hate how my own body makes me feel about summer. The constant warmth, sweating and bugs at night makes me hate it more then I should. But then again, it’s also the time where I can think about things and not worry about any important thing, such as “work-load” and “student-loans”.

So, now that I established my points on the weather, let me introduce myself. My name is not important right now, but I might reveal it next time. I am a 22-year-old woman living in Budapest with my partner, whose name is also not important. I know, not giving a name makes it harder to identify me or to connect with me, but here is a description of myself, so you can picture me if you read this: I’m a 5-foot 7-inch girl with shoulder length, dark brown hair. My eyes are as dark as a good chocolate bar, which doesn’t have too much milk or sugar in it, making it perfect to eat. A face of a child, with tiny chubby cheeks, pink small lips and a button nose. My body… well, my body is a bit complicated. I’m 187 pounds, but if you look at me you probably wouldn’t say I weigh that much. At least that’s what people say to me, but I know they are just being nice. With small breasts, big thighs and butt, I’m every man’s dream woman. And yes, my confidence level varies daily, so you might see a shift of writing from time to time.

After having a picture of me, here is a picture of my current life: I study for a living, a free-loader. I have a mother and father, who support me immensely and I have a partner, who works as a programmer for a good firm and loves me unconditionally. I have friends and I have enemies, and I also have different people who act weirdly around me. Some, in a good way and some in a highly unconditional way, so to speak. I openly talk about my feelings, sexuality and sex, relationships difficulties and university life. 

Now, that you have a vague picture of me, you can turn away from this whole shenanigans I will talk about, or, if you are brave enough to sort out this mess I have as a life, stay tuned.