too-scared-to-do-this - Tumblr blog

Nobody knows what I'm doing here

Correct spelling and grammar will forever be my worst enemies /Via/ she/they / as autistic as they come and as queer as I can be

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too-scared-to-do-this · 2 years

Video

youtube

VoW - Tantrums

Hello, dearest people. I’m just popping back from my grave to let you know I’ve posted yet another little song. If you’re interested, click that tittle and leave a view on my YouTube - Tumbler doesn’t count views, and when you watch it here it doesn’t show up on YouTube.

(And you know... if you feel like it, you could tell me if you liked it or some mindful and nicely-put (constructive!) criticism is also very welcome in the comments below. And a tiny little like for my tiny little flappy heart :3 No but seriously, you don’t have to, but it’d feel nice knowing somebody actually took the time to share their thoughts with me.)

(BTW, can you guess what LGBTQ+ flag these colors are from? ...Don’t look in the tags XD)

#youtube #tantrums #vow #original song #original melody #ace colors #ace #digital art #digital #digital drawing #miny-me's #original drawing

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too-scared-to-do-this · 2 years

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So uhm... Okay. Hey guys. I'm not dead. Just got bored of Tumbler's unresponsiveness. (I get bored of stuff pretty fast honestly XD) But if you're still interested in what I create, fandom and non-fandom content, I'm on instagram now ^^ With basically the same username and the same amount of spelling mistakes XD.

I'd link it, but for that I'd have to know how and it's too late here and I'm too brain-dead by now to figure out how. Also I'm shit at technology. So. You can find me on insta under the username @too_scared_to_do_this ^^

I'd love to see you there :D <3

EDIT

I’ve figured it out: Click here ^^

#mystuff #spiel

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too-scared-to-do-this · 3 years

Photo

A LOT behind XD But here’s Goretober: 5. Sliced => “See me”

#Goretober #goretober 2021 #eye #5. Sliced #my art #grafit #pencil-drawing #dagger #eyeball #sliced eyeball #eye fluids #eye dagger #TW gore #gore

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too-scared-to-do-this · 3 years

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After three years of seeing the beautiful masterpieces that came out of this challenge, I finally have a place to actually participate! So get ready people. I'm unleashing my timid crazy XD

Feel free to use, repost, whatever! No need to credit!

#reblog #imma be following this prompt-list!#goretober #drawing thingy #a lot of tags you might not want to see honestly. I'll try to TW every single one of them #I can't promise I won't miss any so if anything just let me know! <3

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too-scared-to-do-this · 3 years

Video

youtube

Mess - VoW

I’ve been dead for a while I know, but check this out!

I even play the piano in this! (Really poorly might I add, but that’s beside the point XD) I’m evolving, look at me! In the end I’ll even be my own drummer, you’ll see!

I already got myself an electric guitar (after 6 years of dreaming about it) and when I figure out how to record straight into my little machine, I’ll blow your ears off! Ha! (Her name is Siren, and she can’t wait to be heard ^^)

(I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be aggressive, I’m just really excited!!!)

AAaaanyways... Love ya! Thanks!!! <3

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too-scared-to-do-this · 3 years

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No, I’m serious XD Please do help me find some good stuff <3

Could someone just shower me with links or tags or whatever of adorable lumity comics? (I’m down and need a pick-me-up, yet somehow tumbler hid it all from me…)

#lumity #the owl house #toh #amity blight #luz clawthorne

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too-scared-to-do-this · 3 years

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Could someone just shower me with links or tags or whatever of adorable lumity comics? (I’m down and need a pick-me-up, yet somehow tumbler hid it all from me...)

#lumity #the owl house #luz clawthorne #amity blight

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too-scared-to-do-this · 3 years

Photo

The last addition to my little series of Instruments and Melodies ^^

#Instruments and melodies #Via draws #microphone #Uku #ukulele #tattoos #bald #beautiful bald lady #tiny details #digital art #my art

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too-scared-to-do-this · 3 years

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Okay so.... um... I did it... And it looks absolutely horrendous XD

Aaaaand Remus :D The anatomy is all over the place, but I feel like that fits with him XD

Most detailed one, most fun to draw BUT the least fun to color…

#remus sanders #intrulogical #the duke sanders #thomas sanders #sander's sides #ts intrusive thoughts

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too-scared-to-do-this · 3 years

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I feel like Thomas is feeding us ship after ship. Just look at flirting with anxiety - that was pure Roman and Virgil content. The newest vid is just intrulogical. So what’s next? Patton and Janus get singled out for a vid? Cause I mean... I wouldn’t complain...

#god I love this!#just plain nonsense #intrulogical #mociet #prinxiety #roman sanders #virgil sanders #logan sanders #remus sanders #thomas sanders #sander's sides #janus sanders #deciet sanders #patton sanders

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too-scared-to-do-this · 3 years

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Odd

I remember a time, when my actions didn’t seem so important. When my hand gestures, or smile type, or tone of voice didn’t make me want to hide behind closed doors and under blankets. But I also don’t remember much from that time.

My life before I was twelve? Before I got diagnosed? Not a lot of memories from there. Not even after, to be honest… I know it wasn’t good. Believe me. Beside the occasional good memories, and the scarily-clear bad ones, I also remember this constant feeling of failure to fit in. Of unimportance. Of ‘odd’.

Well, I guess I am ‘odd’. I’m odd because I’m autistic. Living without concrete proof in a world full of people considered normal. (Although normal is a relative term and it could be debatable what it represents.)

I’m also odd, because of the way I was brought up. A family that is open to anything and dabbles in astronomy, physics, geography, mathematic, robotics, technology and psychology. You really can’t say the Asperger’s syndrome doesn’t come through here, when you sit down for a simple conversation with the members of this awesome family of mine.

If you’re an ‘outsider’, you would probably understand half of what we’re saying. But I grew up here. Listened to all the talk about space and what makes the world go around. What makes humans tick. So, when I ‘got out into the world’ I understood nothing of what they were talking about. Cute boys, girls? Who do I like? What is my favorite kind of music? What celebrity am I the biggest fan of? I didn’t even know any celebrities - many years later I still don’t.

So, I guess I am a little ‘odd’, because out of everything that was offered on the table to me, I stuck with psychology. Learning what made people move, what was their motive for a simple question or a complex action. And the fact that at sixteen I understood more than a sixteen-year-old should, made me stick out again. But this time it was easier to forget how ‘odd’ I was. Because at home I had nothing to worry about - my behavior was our normal. By that time, I even found three friends to whom all my strange quirks and reactions were just a part of who I was. I forgot what it was like to be out of line. Be weird and feel like you don’t belong.

I forgot what it was like overthinking every move, every gesture, every blink or movement of the corners of your mouth and fingers. I forgot what it was like to sit still and awkward in a loud, way-too-hot environment, sitting too close to people, sweaty people, because there’s no space. Breath in second hand nicotine, which you hate, because everybody around seems to just love smoking. I forgot what it is like to be out of place…

And with every day passing this feeling seems to follow me. I can’t sit home alone without analyzing my finger movements. “You’re bending your nail again. Pinching your finger. Playing with your neckless. Scratching your arm. Your leg in bouncing. You’re hyperventilating. Stop it. Stop it before you start acting weird.” And already, my hands are flapping, trying to get all these though away from me. But they are flapping, that is a ‘stim thing’ - you shouldn’t be stimming, that is weird; that is autistic behavior. Stop stimming. I stop. My wrists are banging against each other, painfully - stop it. It hurts and you’re stimming again. The hits land even harder.

And this is an ongoing spiral. Whatever I do, whatever I say - I make myself more and more autistic with every passing second. And I don’t know how to stop these thoughts. How to make myself see that no matter what I do, I won’t be able to erase this part of myself. I won’t be able to stop being ‘odd’ just because I sit on my hands to stop myself from clapping when I’m excited. Just because I physically bite my tongue to not dare to speak up again. Just because I force a smile and make myself enjoy the loud and crowded bar I just got dragged into.

…I just want to go home. But not even home is safe anymore…

I don’t know how to stop my head. How to explain that being autistic is the best thing that could ever happen to me. That no matter how weird or stupid or rude I act, my friends won’t leave me just because I flap my hands around when I’m happy. Or because I bang my wrists against each other because I’m nervous or stressed out. I know I won’t be left behind again.

But how do I explain that to my brain? How do I tell it to stop pinpointing every single thing that makes me autistic? That makes me ‘different’ and ‘strange’ and ‘awkward’ and ‘stupid’? And how do I make it believe that autism isn’t the problem here?

Those times when my autism wasn’t every move I made, every gesture showed or smile flashed; those times weren’t good. Not good by a long shot. But right now, I’d give everything for just a sliver of that peace.

Psychology - the one thing that made me relatively ‘normal’ in most people’s eyes and the one thing that gave me comfort during interactions, that got me my friends; has turned into the biggest enemy of all. It turned my brain against me.

And now I suffer the consequences.

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too-scared-to-do-this · 3 years

Photo

So I, um... realized I forgot to draw his mustache...?

His mustache! The most important part of this dude!

Should I... Should I try to draw it in...? I-I will try to draw it in. I wanna see how ridiculous that turns out XD <3

Aaaaand Remus :D The anatomy is all over the place, but I feel like that fits with him XD

Most detailed one, most fun to draw BUT the least fun to color…

#ts remus #remus sanders #the duke #duke sanders #ts duke #intrusive thoughts #ts intrusive thoughts #rat-man #the rat man #demus #ts demus

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too-scared-to-do-this · 3 years

Text

Insufferable

Chapter three - Bloodshed

Sander’s sides fanfiction - ‘Off the Devil’s head’ spin-off (can be read as a stand-alone)

Wordcount: 1748

Ship: intrulogical

TW: Um so... there’s not a lot that I noticed actually, but a really big one is accidental self-harm (scratching) - not graphic, but it does kind of resolve around that; there’s mention of blood. There’s also cursing, as per usual, some autistic cuteness and I feel like that’s about it. Do let me know if I’ve missed any though!

Summary of the whole story: This might have not been the brightest idea - steeling from a cart right in the fucking smack-dab-middle of the Square. But Remus never claimed his ideas were bright. Never said his words and actions were appropriate either. So how in all off goddamned hell did he find himself sprawled out on a giant comfortable throne instead of a cold and dark (and very drippy) prison cell - with guards actually guarding his safety instead of assuring his imprisonment - is completely beyond him.

Link to AO3 for those who prefer reading there ^^

----------------------------

Chapter three - Bloodshed

The king was never the best with reading faces. Some emotions just run past him like the rabbit he met yesterday.

But the expression this man in front of him wore? Now, that was unmistakable.

Logan’s lip tugged upwards in a tiny crooked grin. The thief’s reaction was rather… endearing. The nerves crowding all crooks of his face. Every bone and muscle. “My name is Logan.”

Remus blinked. Surprised. “You just gave your name to a random dude in a forest.” he pointed out. And did the same literally - he pointed at the king.

“Well, yes, I suppose.” the king shrugged again, deciding that if the stranger didn’t hurt him yet, he probably wasn’t going to anytime soon.

He made the daring step towards the thief. Then a few more comic ones to get even closer to the flat land that surrounded the cottage (presumably the thief’s house). The grass was starting to get way too itchy, just standing there.

Our beloved idiot watched with open aw. Well… that was certainly a surprise. “Hey!” he called out, rushing after him. “So… what is the king doing out this late?” he asked with a wide grin and probably a little too close in Logans personal space. Which was confirmed, when Logan took a few small steps backwards.

“I needed to clear my head.” It was probably for the best that he didn’t say from what.

“Oh, you couldn’t sleep, hah? Did I charm you that much?” an eyebrow wiggle and yet another seductive wink. This time very much visible for the poor king. Who in return almost immediately looked away and grew pink on his cheeks. Remus almost died right there.

The king was blushing. Logan, the weird-ass idiot, was blushing and pulling of the cutest expression he has ever seen.

“Am… well… I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t say charmed…”

“Wait! So you were thinking of me!”

“Yes, but-“

“Hah! I knew it! I’m charming as fuck! Not even a king could resist this face!” Rem turned two thumbs towards his face.

“I’m a king-“

“Yes I know that.”

Logan’s eyes lifted up just for a second, lading on the thief. He didn’t like to be interrupted… “-ah… and as a king I need to fulfil my duties. One of those rules is-“

“Well obviously, you have duties. We all have them. I for one, have to keep up the quota of stolen things. You see?” Rem stretched out an apple that he seemed to pull out of know here. one of apples he managed to steel that afternoon.

Without realization Lo started scratching his upper-arm. “Yes, I-I see. But what I was going to say was, that one-“

“I feel like you’re going to say you’re taking me to the guards. Are you? Will you now take me to the guards and get me arrested?”

“Oh, would you please stop interrupting me?!” the king barked. The scratching was now leaving red mark on his skin, from how deep his nails dug, but he didn’t realize that. Instead, he took a calming breath - interruptions made him nervous and uneasy. “I’m not getting you arrested! Why would I do that?”

It was a rhetorical question, but Remus felt the need to mumble an answer. “Because I stole something…?”

“So, as I was saying, one of my duties is to know the names of all the people in my kingdom. I needed to know yours now that I know you’re inhabiting it.” he finished, eyes everywhere else but the thief. He didn’t see the expression that settled on Rem’s face. Nor did he see his big green eyes fly towards the hand he still didn’t realize he was scratching. Or the concern that etched itself into his smooth features. “That’s the only reason you occupied my mind. I have more pressing matters to deal with and I can’t allow distractions.”

“Stop.”

The voice, that until now sounded so upbeat and loud, now somehow took on a cautious quiet edge.

“Excuse me?” Logan’s eyebrows furrowed, head cocking to the left.

In a matter of seconds, the thief was next to him. Hand lifting towards him. “Stop scratching your hand. It’s going to bleed.” he grabbed the offending hand and pulled it off. Logan jerked at the contact. he didn’t like to be thatched. Not at all.

Remus, of course noticed and let go immediately, but his brain wasn’t one to give much thought to these things. With all things considered, he was probably going to be touching this man in the next five minutes again. Not sexually obviously, though that would be interesting enough. (Rem sometimes really wished he could his thoughts up.)

But true to his carelessness, disregarding everything he just witnessed, he went and grabbed the scratched-at hand, inspecting the red markings. “It is already bleeding. Come with me.” He tightened his grip and pulled the confused and very uncomfortable king behind him.

“Can you please let go of me?” he asked in a strained voice. The thief of course didn’t hear him, talking over him in that overly fast manner. Pushing the door to the cabin open and dragging him in.

“Don’t get me wrong, you’re very hot with blood-streaks and blood does get me hard sometimes, but at the same time, I don’t want you bleeding out here. f the guards found out you croaked I’d certainly go to jail.”

“I would really be grateful if you’d let go now-“

Honestly, I Logan was just a little less Logan, he’d think the man actually listened to him. But of course not - he just let go for long enough to fetch a first-aid kit. Well, mor like an old rusty metal box with a few bandages (surprisingly cleaner than he expected) and some disinfections.

“Is this like a thing you do? Scratching yourself when your uncomfortable or something?” while talking, Remus un-crewed the lid of the disinfection buttle. “This is going to sting a little. It’s not old or anything, but it isn’t that high-end crap you probably use at the castle. This is good old, home made medicine. Just like mamma thought me.” and poured it all over the kings hand.

Logan jerked again pulling a face and hissing.

“Told ya it would hurt, princes.” rem rolled his eyes. “Now don’t be a whynie and give me your hand. Imma bandage it up.” he gave a crooked smile up at the king, stretching the material dramatically.

“A-are those clean?” lo peeped up, eyeing the off-white thing.

“Am…” Rem looked at it closer, held it up against the moonlight creeping through the window. “I didn’t use these before.” he shrugged and started wrapping it around the wounded hand. “So yeah. Probably.”

To say the king was uncomfortable would be an understatement. But he kept a steady mantra in his head - “There is an ungodly amount of disinfection on my skin - that will kill all germs on that bandage. I won’t get infected. And I’ll tell the nurses to change it the moment I get back to the castle.”

Silence fell upon the two. A weird heavy silence., that didn’t really need to be broken, but Remus was obviously already getting bored of it. “I grin when I’m nervous. And babble. I fucking babble and babble, and babble until my tongue hurts. I didn’t even know that was possible, until one day I woke up and my tongue was sore from the day before.”

“So, it’s safe to assume, you’re nervous now?” Lo questioned eyes finally registering where he was. In the dark outside the cottage seemed much smaller. It wasn’t big (at all) but it did seem bigger from the inside. Though, maybe that was the lack of pompous furniture he was used to. A small kitchen table with two chars, a tiny stove and sink next to. And that was pretty much all. Not even a fireplace, just a bed tucked in the corner, under the window.

Even with no daylight this place seemed old and odd. Yet somehow that bothered Logan less, since this odd place belong to an equally odd person. It was far from good, but it wasn’t bad to be inside.

His eyes ran over all the treasures undoubtedly collected from years of thievery.

“Nah. Why would I be?”

Because you’re babbling? - Would have been Logan’s actual answer, but why even bother at this point.

“Besides, I obviously have the upper hand here. You’re like a twig - the only thing you have on me, your highness, is your height.”

Well, that was true. Logan, was extraordinarily tall. Most times he had to actually look down to meet his subjects’ eyes. This man - Remus - wasn’t that much shorter from him, but if he stood close, he would barely reach his nose.

“You are short.” Logan nodded in agreement.

“Hey!” Rem mumbled his protest. “You’re the one who’s obnoxiously tall!”

“I can’t disagree with that.”

“God, you’re no fun.” Remus rolled his eyes. “I’m all done.” he announced, letting go of the now tightly wrapped up hand. “You fulfilled your duty; you know my name. Now you can leave.”

“I suppose I can…” Logan mumbled, but he didn’t make any move. He stayed, eyes still dancing over objects stocked on shelves and in windows. “What’s that?” he pointed at one.

“Oh. This?” the owner of the house walked over to the shiny metal and picked it up, showing the royal man. Logan nodded seriously. “That’s the dagger I stole of the guard that arrested me last time. the fucker didn’t know what hit him.” he snorted. “Ah, how I love revenge.”

“You stole a guard’s dagger?”

“Oh yeah. Many. This one’s just the only one I didn’t lose yet.”

“How can you lose a dagger that big?” Logan’s forehead creased and head cocked to the left in curiosity. Remus mouth pulled up in a crooked grin. Looks like the majesty ain’t going nowhere any time soon.

“Hey, royalty, did you ever have a chance to look at the stars from this part of the forest?”

“You have not answered my question. But no. I have not.”

Rem gave his kindest grin (that thing would still terrify hundreds of people - but he at least tries) and walked over to the door throwing it open. “Let’s go outside then and I’ll tell you all about my lost daggers and the many bloodshed I caused.”

Stars. Logan didn’t need more.

-------------------------

So, hey guys :D I’ve decided I’m giving up on writing Logan’s side of the story so Logan-like. I’m just going to use my simple mixed learned English and will be happy with that. It’s too much work looking up big words for fanfics XD

That’s about it. I hope you enjoyed the chap ^^

(Um... I’ll be an annoying little needy baby for a tiny second... Hey guys! You commented on the announcement of this story, but I haven’t seen ya around here, so I’m not sure whether you didn’t see it or just aren’t interested. Obviously, it is very much fine if you aren’t, that’s no problem. But in the off-chance you haven’t seen it yet, I’m tagging you this one time, if that’s all right...^^

So here we go: @thiswitchisgay-goodforher @midnightstorm-underthe-moon and of course you lovely @a-formless-entity - you’re always supporting my art and my songs and that is way too sweet of you. Seriously, thank you, you make my heart really really happy and I’m really grateful you exist and are here <3 <3 )

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