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thesongthesoulsings · 24 days

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Of Discoveries and Worries

Link to Ao3

Summary:

When Athena Dekarios is bringing some order into the tower, she discovers Gale´s Last Letter which thankfully never had to reach her. What does reach her, however, is a certain realization.

A tear had fallen onto the paper currently vibrating with the trembling of my hands;

the text it held barely decipherable to me, now that emotions had won against me. Not that I would need to see the words that had been carefully noted down – my mind had already stored them away in its vault.

“My love,

I write this letter with the most fervent hope that it might never be delivered.

If you are reading it, then my hope was for naught. I have failed.

Please know – I did not intend to let you down.

I promised you the heavens, and by the gods, I meant to give them to you.

To know that I have disappointed you is more than I can bear to imagine.

Yet sitting here, on the banks of Chionthar, imagining you is all I can do.

You are perfect. You always were, and you always will be. I wish I had told you that more.

I hope the paltry offering of my company was a fair trade for the richness of your love, your strength, your generosity. I treasured them all.

I know a simple letter may not be enough to sooth your hurt. But you will find peace again, and I hope, one day, a more worthy love. It is the least you deserve.

Yours forever,

Gale.”

A sob escaped me, despite my serious attempts at getting myself under control. I knew it was irrational of me to be crying over a letter that – thank the gods – had never been delivered to me. Irritated, I wiped away the offensive salty water, nearly giving into the inner voice that invited me to be compassionate with myself. When I started organizing boxes in the tower, I had not expected to be faced with the past in such heart-clawing way.

The lump in my throat did not want to leave; deeply tied to the nightmarish thought of losing Gale. My insides contracted, making me think of a hand closing around my intestines. Gulping, I tried to remind myself that there was no reason for me to let go of the little food I had recently managed to take to me. I hadn´t lost him – Gale was vital, and his brown love-filled eyes had met mine just about an hour ago. The Netherbrain was gone, the tyranny ended! We had made sure of it. Why then did this letter have such a hold on me? Why did it hurt so incredibly much? Shouldn´t I be alleviated, since its creation had proven unnecessary? Some tears might´ve been considered appropriate, considering the scenarios these written words created of a world without Gale, but this storm of emotion was something I wasn´t accustomed to.

“Mrs. Dekarios, I have the suspicion you shouldn´t be putting yourself under such emotional distress.”

Tara, Gale´s Tressym, had silently entered the room without my knowledge. As untypical as my emotional outbreak may have been, it did not prevent me from noticing the multilayered way the family member had decided to formulate her thoughts.

A deep sigh left me, revealing how tired I already was despite the early hour. Emotional outbreaks apparently could be more draining than some physical fights. I started wondering how more sensitive people could live in a constant state of exhaustion.

“You have suspicions, do you? I can´t say you´re wrong – nobody should put themselves under emotional distress, if avoidable.”

Lifting myself from the kneeling position on the ground, I folded the letter and placed it back in the box I had been searching through before.

Tara jumped onto the foot end of the bed, looking at me curiously and – so was my impression – somehow complacent.

“I was more referring to your current state. One should be more careful than usual when growing a child under one´s heart, don´t you think?”

Silence. Everything seemed to turn into a silent basin of water; the realization falling like a drop into it – causing ripples to form. The otherwise quiet sound of a waterdrop falling suddenly loud.

Pregnant. I was pregnant. Questioning Tara´s instincts was far from me, when faced with the evidence. I had been nauseous, tired and emotional. My husband had taken note of the unusually tender state of my swollen breasts, but I had bled – albeit less than usual – not thinking much about it. I had suspected I was getting sick, counting myself under those affected by the stomach flu taking hold of many in the city, but not being with child.

My movements slowed; the processing of thoughts taking over my focus.

So, I had been right after all, when my intuition had reached out to me after that one time Gale and I shared an intimate moment in the kitchen. I ignored my intuition once and fate laughed at me. I remembered the teasing jokes shared after having told him about my inklings. It was not that we had been unaware of the potential we had to create life, and we had not been unwilling to welcome any child placed in our lap either, but it still came as a shock to me.

Memories flashed into my mind, taunting me playfully.

“I think we might have just made a baby”, I had whispered against his body, lying half on top of him on the kitchen floor. It had been so hot, that the cold kitchen floor tiles had provided a welcome cooling effect.

His chuckling´s vibration against my cheek had provoked a smile on my end and lead me to press a kiss against his hair covered chest.

“That´s always a possibility. Even tea can fail, and as far as I am aware you have not been drinking it in a while.”

Nuzzling his neck – his hand on my arm – had felt like Elysium on Toril. The warmth radiating from his body not overbearing like the heat that had taken the city captive, but rather soothing and invigorating.

The air leaving my lungs quivered on its way.

“He needs to know. Instantaneously.”

I turned, in order to leave the room in search of Gale, when I saw him standing at the door. He looked stunned, uncertain, worried. I opened my mouth but nothing would leave me; tears welled up once more but I managed to keep them from overflowing. He didn´t seem happy. He did not smile or show any other sign of delight. It choked me. Feeling alone with him in the same room was entirely new to me.

He had known this was a possibility, he had agreed to unite with me at a time where fertility was highest. Why was he recoiling?

He silently entered the room, his head hanging. Eyes fixated on his hands, he sat on the bed.

“What are we going to do now?”

I could no longer prevent the tears from making their way down my pain-stricken face.

My feet dragged be slowly towards him.

“What do you mean by asking that question? What are we going to do?! Gale, you knew ! You KNEW and now you treat me like that?”

He looked up at me, his eyes empty; his whole demeanor one of distance.

“I... I don´t know. “

Tara sat silently beside him, even she knew that chiding him right now was not going to do any good.

Nausea was rising again, and this time I had no option but to run to the bathroom to empty myself out. I had no energy left. Nothing had prepared me for the feeling of losing the only person I had ever let truly close to me. My partner in crime, my best friend, my lover... my husband – he had let me down. Something I had feared when I first fell for him and had believed he would never be capable of over time had taken place – he had broken my heart.

The next two days had been dominated by silence. We saw each other, politely registered the presence of the other, but did not really interact. It was hard on me and Tara´s unbelief had been shared by myself. We both suspected he was wrestling with himself; trying to realize what would change and which responsibilities would await him. He had never believed himself to be capable of being a good father, but when we had settled after the end of the war, he had seemed open to building a family with me. The days of silence had given me opportunity to empathize at least partially with him. It couldn´t be easy to understand how much he would have to shoulder. Nevertheless: I felt lonely.

The sun was setting when I came home on the day he approached me again. I was singing a prayer song to Lathander (Codoro, 2017) when I walked through the door to our tower. It gave me hope and connected me with my god whose temple I had just left.

🎵

In the darkness of the night,

In quiet, desperate hours,

I will bring Lathander’s light

And cast out evil with his power.

When joy’s fire flickers out

Amidst shadows dark and gray,

I will announce with mighty shout

The coming of the day.

And so, my precious Morning Lord,

I thank you for this song

And pray that evil’s growing horde

Will break upon your dawn.

🎵

My voice carried through our rooms, I knew, for the walls had been proven thin before.

I assumed Gale was in the study, going over tomorrow´s teaching plan, when I placed the groceries I had bought on my way from the temple on the kitchen table.

“You´re back.”

I gasped and flinched, surprised by his presence. When had he learned to sneak up on me?

“Startling a Paladin isn´t wise, you know?” The words left my lips with a fatigued smile.

He approached me, looking seriously at me. When his hands touched my waist, my head shot up in astonishment. I let him touch his forehead to mine.

“I would like to apologize, my love. My behavior has been atrocious on every level. I was so afraid to fail, that I... “, he paused, his face contorting with the burden of knowledge, “that I ended up failing you, of all people. I promised I would not let you fall, and yet I did. There is no excuse, but I request your forgiveness. I want to remedy what I did. Others want nothing more than a child, desiring an heir and seeing it for the blessing it is, and here I was - suddenly overwhelmed by the prospect of becoming a father. You are more than I ever wished for, and this child inside of your womb – the child we called into existence – is an immeasurable gift. I just hope I will be a worthy father, that I do not let my self-centeredness win. Having a part of you and me walking outside of our bodies in not much time is a wonder I can hardly await.”

Relief flooded me, but with it I frowned. Taking a step back to be capable of looking into his beautiful warmth-filled eyes, I spoke.

“Self-centeredness? You have many flaws, Gale Dekarios of Waterdeep, but that is not one I would list. You have proven your selflessness in more ways than I can count, and the love you have given me has been of the purest form. I worry about not living up to my potential – of not being able to become the mother I would like to become. But you? I never doubted you, love. Never.”

His relief was visible, and the embrace that followed filled with hope. Lathander´s presence was undeniable.

“Finally, you have come to your senses! Morena will be delighted! She already made plans, you know?” Tara´s haughty voice reached us, becoming the source of our laughter.

With a smile that reached his intelligent open eyes, he assured me:

“Love does not capture how much I feel for you, Athena. You are my Universe, you surely must know it.”

My hands framed his handsome face, appreciating the stubbiness of his beard.

“You surely must know that I feel the same.”

He did. He did and made sure we both knew exactly how much we loved each other, by pulling me into our bedroom.

Reference

Codoro (2017) R/dicecameraaction on reddit: A prayer-song of the morning lord , Reddit . Available at: https://www.reddit.com/r/DiceCameraAction/comments/6urzh0/a_prayersong_of_the_morning_lord/ (Accessed: 04 April 2024).

@galesdevoteewife Here we go. ^^

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