post hoc

teedbits. [0] in my dream, I am explaining to K where I stand when it comes to belief. “I’m not saying Christianity isn’t true; I’m just saying I don’t know.” The last few years of my time being Christian has been marked with a lot of “I do not know”s. It was a time of deep humbling. I will no longer call myself a Christian, nor would I say I’m a believer. I simply do not know. Whatever was my…

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espoir

meh. writing is hard, especially when you want to come off as put together, well thought out, cohesive, and coherent. but lately, my thoughts have been a blur of “AKJHsdfeSDFgjhakdKJHLKS” and “…..” so we won’t aim high. nevertheless, I want to try to put into words what Jesus has been doing in this season of my life. so, teedbits of thanksgivings:

[silence & solitude] coming home and setting a…

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fin.

teedbits:

[0] I downloaded the “Day One” journaling app years ago before it became a paid app and I’ve used it over the years to type prayers out when I am too distracted to sit and pray in my head. Over time, it evolved to be a place where I stored all my prayers of desperation, sadness, and confusion whenever I felt that I couldn’t maintain my sanity unless I processed out my thoughts in…

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but,

It’s Holy Saturday – I should be sleeping in order to get up early for sunrise service tomorrow. I’m set on zoning out to Netflix before I sleep when it suddenly hits me: I don’t think I’m going for the right reasons. It’s because Josh is doing worship and some part of me thinks I should be there with him. It’s because Ellen is going and offering me a ride so I know I can save $2 and perhaps…

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Writing to pass this little episode by:

It’s been a good couple of up days. I know that depression is an extended battle and any good day I get is a blessing. I’m feeling physical pain right now so I want to complain though.

I think that’s the hardest part for me. The physical aspect of depression. The lack of energy. The ever present headache. Back aches, sore muscles, dizziness. And that…

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hope

teedbits;

[0] Depression feels like a gaping black hole in the middle of your chest. Something akin to a vacuum. You try to fill it up with things but it never fills up fast enough and you worry that your chest will cave in on itself as the opening gets bigger and bigger. It sucks the life out of you.

I know the root of my depression comes from an idolatrous nature. I’m finding my worth in…

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弱

a blog post for my own sanity and a prayer for my weary soul; incoherent and scattered teedbits

[0] I must repeat constantly to myself: it is okay to not be happy. Nehemiah 8:10 | The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Not being happy doesn’t automatically equate to being sad or unhappy…it just means you’re not happy. But, you could be perfectly okay. Happy is a step above the norm. Not everyone has…

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2.28.2019

Tech 1212

I get sad when I see jia’s posts on fb or anywhere. It just takes me back. I can’t seem to let her go.

CG was good. Grace of God running it. Now to see our vision take effect.

God mad at josh and told him off through text. He apologized and I immediately calmed down.

Not as tired as yesterday. Nap before CG.

Vivian my counselor called me as a follow up and was so sweet. “Your voice is even sweeter on the phone, so gentle and sweet” she says. It makes me smile.

The group crit really liking my visuals for renewal’s homepage. Made me happy. “It’s so refreshing.” Subtle evangelism?

Praying to be...i don’t know. I feel strange and tired and it’s prob anxiety working its way in and I need to be better about resting but here I am, Lord. Dad. Take care of me. I’m tired and unable to do so myself.

Chaowen

Philly just won’t be the same without you.

Yesterday, I mulled over the word “goodbye” as we hung out the three of us for the last time. In Chinese, goodbye is 再见 which translates to “meet again.” Same with French; “au revoir”. Korean 안녕 literally means peace. “Farewell” has “well” in it. And “goodbye”…has “good” in it. It’s quite interesting; why does goodbye seem so pleasant in the literal…

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Z

teedbit/word vomit/sleep deprivation

I was introduced to Zhiping by a mutual friend. She was moving to Philly after graduation and needed help finding a roommate. It just so happened that I was moving and could use a roommate as well. We set up a phone call and talked about living together. It never panned out; I was eager to live on my own and signed a lease for a studio (one of the dumbest…

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颜色

I leave my room quickly after hearing Chaowen ask if I’m home; for some reason I think her voice is shaky and worry that she might be emotionally distraught, remembering the last time she came upstairs to cry. She’s perfectly fine; she holds out an orange leaf in front of me.

“I picked it up for you!”

I smile. The orange color is beautiful. Almost translucent with hints of golden yellow around…

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I always want to be part of an introvert’s inner circle. It’s the diva in me that wants to be special in everyone’s eyes, wants to be everyone’s best friend, wants to be loved and adored by everyone.

The first time I had lunch with my ex, he told me he had a very small circle of close friends and I immediately had the thought and motivation of worming my way into that group. Of course, at the time I was attracted to him and extremely curious and the impudent little brat in me rose up to the challenge of making myself special enough for him to let me into the recesses of his heart. It was a fleeting, passing, unintentional thought but the desire was there, no matter how shallow.

It wasn’t just for him I had these kinds of thoughts. Whenever an introverted friend of mine expresses the same kind of preference - to have a small tight knit group of friends, an inner circle, I’d have that same thought: “I want to be in it.” Didn’t matter how close I felt to that friend or not - I just wanted them to feel close to me.

I had lunch today with four introverts and we were playing with the question of: “if you were a house, what would your house look like?” Each one of them described a room in the house that would have a key - three said that only they themselves would ever be able to access it while one said only a select few ever could. It fascinated the crap out of me and I dig into them: “you wouldn’t let anyone in? Ever??”

I realize I want so much affirmation from people who don’t really matter (not like that - not on the level of Jesus. Of course they matter - but they shouldn’t matter so much more than Jesus to me). Why do I need to be best friends with everyone? I don’t have the emotional or physical energy to do so. I have far too many friends to be intentional and kind to them. It’s not fair that I want to be best friends with everyone, yet not be willing or able to put up the work of retaining those relationships.

I’m so spread thin I don’t really even know who my close friends are.

C

3am teedbits because sleep always eludes me when I most need it.

[0] I give up on sleeping and prop myself up on my elbows (Claudia throws up her hands and sighs cutely in her sleep and I look over at her, smiling. Cute.) I happen to glance over and notice that Rebekah is scrolling through her phone. “AHHH so she also can’t fall asleep!” And just like that, I don’t feel so alone. A sleeping…

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6.15.2018

Father God, help me Lord Jesus, oh help me. Why is it so hard for me to come to you on my happy days? On days in which I feel good and not lacking in much so I feel that I don’t need you much? Father God, teach me to need you, more and more. More than I have now; Lord, I need more of you.

Lord, I cry out to you very lost. You know my anxious thoughts regarding my career and what I’m doing (wasting my time...yet I’m unable to discipline myself. I lack so much self control and discipline). Yet, now I am frantic even praying because I know I’m not praying in the “right way”. 

Oh God, teach me that you are not set to hard and fast rules. Teach me that my relationship with you is a relationship. Teach me to have grace for myself. Teach me. 

Lord, there’s so many things I feel right now. Happiness, excitement, glee, anxiety, trepidation, hunger (?), contentment, confusion, doubt. The good feelings outweigh the bad but I sometimes wonder if that’s just because I’m being irresponsible and not thinking of what makes me worried (aka job). But, Lord, whatever the case, would you center my heart and mind on you. As I try to look towards Jesus, would the Spirit prod me and push me, getting me to where I need to be.

Lord, I praise you. Who among the earth is like you? Your glory reaches higher than the heavens. Your love, deeper than the sea. There is no one like you, God. There is no one like you. Let me look at your creation and awe. Let the world look upon you and fear you. You are the God who parts seas. You are the God who raises people from the dead. You are the God who enables the tiny to rout the giants and slay them. You are the conqueror of death. Yet, you are humble and full of grace. You are full of love and compassion. There really is none like you. No one who can encompass all these things. To be destroyer and life giver at the same time. To be a judge and merciful Father at the same time. To be King and Father and Friend. There is no one like you. Thank you for being our God. Thank you for calling us yours. Thank you for being willing to associate yourself with us human beings, messed up and floundering in our sin, hopeless to save ourselves. Thank you for extending your hand to us. Thank you for drawing close to us. We are so undeserving.

Lord, I pray for your kingdom to come, on heaven as it is on earth. I pray for the way of the Lord to infiltrate the little kingdoms of the world. I pray for you to raise up leaders who submit to you. I pray for you to send us out into the crooks and nannies of this dark place, to shine light. To be salt of the earth and a city on the hill. I pray that you would allow us to shine like stars in the universe. I pray we would be like jars of clay (what does that mean again?), willing to be molded and broken, so that your glory would shine through. Jesus, I lift up Nicaragua and for you to bring peace amidst the violence and grieving that is happening there. Lord, I pray for wise and just rulers in the government, to know how to discipline and implement policies peaceably. I pray no one reacts to anger with more anger and hatred, but to extend grace and compassion and love. I pray for more people willing to take a hit, unwilling to lay a hand on their neighbor. I pray you would teach us to love our neighbors. I pray you would teach us to show kindness and compassion to everyone. I pray the way of heaven would dominate us.  

I hope for peace regarding North Korea. God, I acknowledge that I don’t know enough about anything. I lack wisdom of my own and I am far from discerning. I don’t know how to met out justice against Kim Jong Il. I also don’t know how to protect innocent people from a nuclear war. I don’t know politics or diplomacy. Many of us do not, even politicians and diplomats. How can we know what will happen? Only you see everything in the course of a second and you know what will come to pass and only you can engineer negotiations and peace talks for the good of humanity. Ultimately, we don’t know how to bring about justice, Lord. We don’t know how to best serve our people. We don’t know how to protect without killing. Lord, we lack so much in knowledge and wisdom, and also so much in compassion. Lord, be our wisdom. Lord, be our judge. Would you take over this situation. Would you comfort your people, for those hurting in South and North Korea, and reassure them that you are the great avenger. You redeem brokenness and hurt and you bring about justice. You are also merciful in your love. Would they come to trust you and how you act. Would we pray for your hand in all of this. Would you protect the people in North Korea. They are starving. You know how to feed them. If they are not fed physically, then may they be fed spiritually. Would you have mercy on them, Lord. I pray also just for more wisdom, for us who are more privileged and “lucky” to be living in a country with more human rights. For those of us who have a voice and a means to get our voice out there - would you teach us to use it? Lord, you call us to be justice - seekers (but not justice - metters? judges?). Lord, you call us to fight oppression and to alleviate the needs of the poor. Sometimes it is direct giving and serving, other times it is speaking and standing up for the weak. 

Lord, burn into us your passion for justice. Make your church into one that cares about it. Make your people one that cannot turn a blind eye to what is happening around the world. The injustices, the heartbreaks, the oppression, the war crimes, violation of human rights. God, I feel so tiny in the midst of all these current events - school shootings, depression and anxiety leading to suicides, rebellion and strife, nuclear talks, prostitution and slavery...God there’s so many things wrong in this world. There’s so many battles to fight. And there’s so much I do not know. There’s so much I don’t want to know. There’s so much I think I cannot do. What can I do? How will my voice reach anyone? How can my actions amount to anything? I am so tiny and the problems in this world are so big. People have been trying for centuries to fix them and the world is still broken.

Yet, would I remember that I am not here to “fix” anything. I am here to be obedient to Christ, to be captive to Him, and to live to glorify His name. While I am here on this imperfect, sinful, and dying earth, I am to live as boldly and unashamedly for Christ as possible. You did not create me to save the world. You created me to touch certain people and to share my weakness and brokenness with them. You designed me to shoulder burdens with specific people, who struggle with similar things that I struggle with. You called me to serve to the best of my ability, and to step back and watch you work through my failings. You don’t call me to success or world change - you call me to humble and quiet obedience - in the menial tasks of washing feet, cooking and serving lunch at a homeless ministry, smiling at a homeless person on the street, laying a hand on someone’s shoulder in a gesture of comfort, reading the news and praying, inviting others to pray and care, etc. You call me to the little things like this; you call me to wait patiently as I do these consistently and faithfully and steadfastly, trusting that Jesus will one day come back and make all things right again. All the while hoping and praying that what I do points others to you.

I cannot end world hunger. I cannot rescue victims of slave trafficking from their captors. I cannot house the homeless. But, that is no reason for me to sit back and do nothing. That is no reason for me to be unaware of what is happening, to be calloused in feeling towards those less fortunate, to be totally defeated before I’ve even started fighting. I cannot do these things, but through Jesus, I can abate someone’s hunger for the day. I can lend comfort or a listening ear to someone enslaved in the clutches of their sin and guilt and fears. I can do something. Or more accurately, Jesus can do something through me.

Lord, as I pray about this, I realize this is the most important thing in my life - or should be the most important thing in my life. Why is this so hard to keep on my mind? I have prayed like this in the past...not very consistently. I have remembered sporadically throughout the months that I am to worry most about this...to pray most for this. I am not here to live my own comfortable, cushy life. I’m not here to have fun all the time and find a job that I love and just spend time creating beautiful things (although you do want me to spend time to do it, just not all my time). I’m not here to be selfish and live my own life. I’m here to live a life you called me into - a life that is possible for me when Jesus died for me and I accepted the Spirit into my heart. 

In the same way Jesus came to liberate us from the clutches of sin, would we live to seek liberation for those who are still deeply entrenched in it. May these words not just be words, but a true genuine heartfelt prayer that reaches your ears and my own heart. Would you give me verses that strikes my heart with conviction to seek after justice. Would you give me opportunities around me to be involved in my community (ahhh, affirmation to do CASA). Would you help me in disciplining myself to read up on what’s going on, to pray, and to invite others to care and pray as well. In my job search and my aimless wandering, would you give me purpose by reminding me that I am to use my talents and resources to bring your kingdom here. Would that motivate me, Jesus, more than anything, to get off my butt and start working. 

You gift us with purpose, Lord, and I think that’s very much purpose that I need. I need to remember that this is more than just about me. It’s more than just about me finding a job in UX Design. It’s about in the process, in the trail and error, in the finding (rejoicing and giving credit and praise to you), in the working, in the sharing and witnessing, that you. would. be. glorified. Help me to live for you, Jesus. Oh Lord Jesus, please help me to live for you. Direct my heart towards you. Direct my heart towards your people. Direct my heart towards the brokenness in the world and let me not shy away (you did not run away from the filthy and seedy of the world, but marched straight into it). 

Lord, I am no better than those who I judge. I hear them pray, I read their written thoughts and reflections, I hear them talk about how they want to change and what they know - yet they don’t. Am I not the same? Haven’t I felt these convictions many times throughout my life, yet I have not done anything about them? We are so hopeless, Lord. We are so unable to do anything, Lord. Wretched men that we are, Lord. Wretched. Thanks be to God, that you give us Jesus, to help us in this endeavor to fight sin and our sinful nature. Lord, help us. Lord, equip us. Lord, convict us. Lord, move us. Move us. Whether it be through giving us a deeper understanding of the stakes at hand (but at the same time reminding us that you are in utter control in your sovereignty) or giving us the opportunity to serve you and other people and that it just keeps pestering us until we do it. Spirit, move in us. Spirit, guide us. Spirit, teach us. All the while, pointing us back to Jesus and what He did for us on the cross. Let the cross encourage us and remind us. Let the cross give us purpose and relief. Let the cross determine how we love on others and live our lives. 

Jesus, I give to you my heart. I want to follow you. I want to obey you. Yet, you know how lost I am. You know how stupid I am. LITERALLY stupid. I pale in comparison to these Penn kids around me Lord, you know my insecurities. Not only that but I am a coward. Such a coward. Not only that, but a huge people pleaser too. A lot of things I refrain from doing because I am too focused on how other will view me. Oh Lord, forgive me of my shortcomings and failings. I repent of my shallow nature. I repent of my lack of faith. I repent of my people pleasing nature, one that does not put you first as God, but puts man as god. Lord, help me to turn from these sinful tendencies and behaviors. Forgive me for taking your word so lightly, for not meditating over it and chewing over it and mulling over it. Forgive me for not treasuring it and keeping it close to my heart. Forgive me for how I use you at my convenience. 

Jesus, I can only kneel before you and admit my failings. You know how hard I have tried to follow you, only to fail again and again. I can only beg you to help me. I can only scream at you, shake my fists at you, cry to you - please, change me. Please, transform me. Please, use me. I cannot do this by myself. I can do nothing apart from you. I need you, I need you, I need you. Not for a second would you allow me to believe that I can do anything apart from you. 

Humble me, Lord. You know how much I desire humility. Humble me, to the point that I am constantly coming to you in prayer in my weakness and failing and understanding of that. Let me be in constant communion with Jesus and the Spirit. 

Lord, I started this prayer quite anxious about my job predicament (or lack thereof). But, I thank you and pray now that you would use my time of unemployment for your glory. I have more time to pray - let me pray. I can fast more comfortably (not having to interact with much people or do work while fasting) - let me be mulling over justice and how to fight for it as I fast (and Lord, I know I’m not going to do this on my own - you know how quickly I turn to netflix or youtube to escape my hunger - can you please use my physical hunger to draw me to you instead). I have more time to write and create and do things that draw attention to needs around the world. I have capacity right now that I will not have again (hopefully until I retire). Let me use it well; let me not let it go to waste.

And I know I will fail. Let me not be discouraged by it. Let me know that you have your predetermined timing and pace for me. Let me trust you. Let me pray to continue trying. Again and again I will fail but ever so more, again and again you will forgive and redeem.

Lord, I lift all of these prayers up to you humbly, desperately, and joyfully. Thank you for being the author of my life’s story and I pray it will be one that points constantly to you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus.

In your powerful and holy name I pray, amen!

ESL Potluck

Okay, I need to write about this before any more days pass and I forget about it.

I was stressing a lot and feeling frustrated over the fact that I had tried to organize a potluck event for the ESL group that Cara and I had been teaching. It’s a small group, not very consistent (some days we get two students, sometimes we get five but never more than that). As English is not their first language, I don’t think most understood what my email was about and the fact that they had to fill out the doodle to indicate their availability and that they needed to sign up to indicate what food they would bring. So it ended up only Cara and I indicating that we’d bring food which put us in the situation of having to determine how much food should we make if no one RSVPed...anyway, I was feeling frustrated because I knew that I’d have to make a lot of dumplings just to be sure there was enough food and it might very well be the case that only Cara and I show up.

Making the dumplings took me about five hours (with about one hour break in between to eat and rest). I was not feeling very well - my head and chest has been bothering me lately. I was peeved at myself for attempting to have this potluck event when our group didn’t have a strong foundation and I was peeved at the situation. My whole day was being eaten up by my dumpling making.

However, I prayed to the Lord, knowing that I was mad sinful in my brattiness. I knew that it was His Spirit that put the idea of a potluck in my head. I knew that if He wanted to bless it, He’d bless it, and if not, then He wouldn’t. Either way, I can only obey and go forward in faith. I asked Him to give me the strength to just man up, deal with it, and make the dumplings, not gritting my teeth, but joyfully.

Thankfully, the Lord made it an enjoyable experience for me (I instagrammed it and got some endorphins from that - I always feel pleased when people comment on how well I cook/bake and it just so turned out that my potstickers came out very aesthetically pleasing...anyway, besides the point). 

And then lo and behold - six students showed up for the potluck. Two others brought food and thankfully we had enough to share with everyone. It was a wonderful day outside and we had a jolly good time in the shade, on the grass, picnicking together. Conversation flowed more organically, people conversed with each other, we laughed.

Fara introduced me as her teacher to her son and there was a hint of pride coloring her voice, so different from the questioning tone she had last week when she asked if I was really a teacher (as she finds it strange since I look like I might not be from the states). I remember the hurt I felt when she said my accent was so good; I look at her and know that she doesn’t mean it to be rude. 

God definitely is pleased when we share meals together...because everyone is just happier. Food gets us to connect and we definitely did that evening. Praise the Lord. I walked home happy as could be.

The Lord is so kind to me. I don’t deserve reaping any fruit from my half hearted, reluctant efforts, yet He still gives it to me.

Thank you, Jesus.

5.9.2018

Glorious day.

Yesterday night found me with more anxiety than normal (I've been anxiety free for a long time so I'm not complaining too much). My chest hurt and I felt that familiar feeling of emptiness pressing in (this usually happens when I zone out to buzzfeed...again, telltale sign that this is not good for me). Usually when this happens, I just stare blank faced at my ceiling or wall and wait for the tears to come. When they do, I cry and wallow and let it pass and go to sleep exhausted.

This time, I rebuked it. I pointed my finger in the air and told it to get the crap away from me and that I wasn't going to let it overcome me. I told it that it might win tonight but I'm victorious regardless because I know my Jesus will heal me. I still cried a little bit, but I went to sleep hopeful instead of empty.

I woke in the morning quite joyful and energetic, despite tossing and turning all night (I was stress dreaming about dumplings).

Long story short - God turned something I was stressing and unhappy about into something glorious. My head hurts too much for me to write and process it out now and I hope to the dear Lord that He will let me write about it tomorrow but for now I want to remember how Jesus's name helped me fight that dark feeling that was creeping up on me.

Jesus is so good and powerful.

Boston

Boston teedbits

teedbits:

    [Jinsol] grabs her DSLR and ushers Jeary into a spot in front of her; she takes several photos of him with the Charles river as a beautiful backdrop behind him, reassuring him that no one but her will see the photos. She tells him to be candid and he does so. I take a moment to just watch – Jinsol giggling as she puts the camera to her face; Jeary smiling cheekily behind his…

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