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talesofhamsi · 7 months

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“no matter how badly you think you’re doing it, someone else has done it a lot worse and been fine” is applicable to a wide, wide range of things and i say it to myself all the time

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talesofhamsi · 10 months

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A letter long overdue, to my grandfather for his birthday 🥰

#inner child #innerpower #selflove #healing #mental health #childhood #emotional health #innerstrength #difficult parents #innerbeing #grandparents #grandfather #birthday

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talesofhamsi · 11 months

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Breaking Free

Dysfunction describes how I grew up. And many posts on this blog describe the dysfunction I refer to here. I realize that I have painted my dysfunction yet failed to communicate how I am doing.

I feel liberated for the first time. And I say it with so much gratitude that it is through the help of my close friends here in Buffalo and Chennai along with my therapist, that I am where I am today.

Importantly, I feel the need to speak up for the people who grew up in dysfunctional homes. A few weeks back after getting into a fight with my parents, a thought seeped into me like venom.

"I would never be able to communicate my needs to my parents without compromising how I feel. If I don’t feel safe enough with them, my own family, where do I belong in this world? Where do I belong if not in my own home?"

I was haunted by this thought. I kept running in circles, hoping to forget it. It kept screaming that I didn't belong anywhere. And it felt so cold to think about not fitting in with your kind. I shudder thinking about it.

You might ask me, have I found a solution to fit in, have I magically cured dysfunction from its origin?

No. And quite frankly, that thought is still lingering in my head. It’s a whisper now. Faint but I can still hear it.

I say this with immense feeling of defeat, but I’ve learned to let go. I’ve completely surrendered to life's flow. I, a person who expects situations to always turn my way, have learned to release. I still worry about if one day, I wake up and want my need for control to seep into my life to narrate how my life should flow. Maybe someday, I want it. Today, I am watching myself gracefully let go of every single person, thought, and situation I have no control over. For the first time, I hope to be able to watch situations unfold and work out for me, as opposed to being the driver in the front seat.

I realized I had regulated my emotions. I have learned to parent myself. It is one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever done so far; to sit with my thoughts, and listen to them rather live my life delusionally. I have decided to be real with myself. And every time I feed into a dysfunctional thought, I take a step back and apologize to my inner child.

Because we knew we deserved better. And only I could break this mad cycle for us.

And there are times when I accept certain familial patterns, behavior, and dysfunction present in my life for what it is. My heart aches with sadness that it does not look “normal”. It is so odd, hurtful, and unlike what a family relationship is supposed to be like. I ask my therapist now and then if it gets better as time passes.

“Maybe one day you’ll fill it with a family of your own. But today, you fill it by being compassionate to yourself”, is her reply

My definition of home has changed drastically in the last few months. I remember starting here last August, I felt completely lost and alone. I started in an unfamiliar place with an entirely different way of living. I always questioned my choices and felt lost when no one controlled my actions. I was so used to living by what I was supposed to do, I forgot how to be by myself.

It took a few failed relationships, saying no loudly to people, setting strong boundaries, standing my ground with my family, and doing what I feel is right instead of what I'm supposed to do, which has shaped me today.

I am not here to sugar-coat that it gets better, but you will get through it, through the home you create within yourself, and the home you create with others. Home is now a place where I reside, where I feel safe, and I express my thoughts without being belittled or questioned. My home in Chennai is my home. It’ll always be my home and my family will always be mine. No matter how dysfunctional they are, they love me, and care for me in the way they can and it is still love. There is no denial there.

But I have expanded my wings to create a home for myself. And I have strong faith that the foundation is strong this time around.

#inner child #innerpower #healing #selflove #childhood #mental health #emotional health #innerstrength #difficult parents #innerbeing #family members and relatives #anxiety #black and white #shadow work #spiritual journey #self discovery #energy work

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talesofhamsi · 1 year

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@ ritualofheart

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talesofhamsi · 1 year

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i won't lie to you and say it doesn't still hurt after you begin to adopt healthier mindsets and habits. it hurts - a lot, sometimes. but instead of the hurt being like this seering, all consuming, life altering pain... it's a release. it becomes relieving to allow yourself to experience something as natural and unavoidable as pain. because now you can accept your emotions, feel them, and take care of yourself. self loathing and harm don't get in the way and push the knife deeper. at least, not as often (recovery isnt linear and no one is free from negative self experiences).

so yeah, it still hurts. but not nearly as much, and not in the same way. and the effort and change is so worth it.

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talesofhamsi · 1 year

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Black and White Thoughts

My entire life has been black and white for me. I either succeed incredibly, or I fail miserably. There have been instances where I viewed my life from an "all or nothing" perspective. I never really gave myself the space to feel the grey in between. And when I say "all or nothing", I don't mean that it only limits itself to having an ideal body, an ideal relationship, an ideal work-life balance or ideal academic standing. In addition, there were other conundrums to deal with. I would not want to lie to someone when they asked me “How are you?” I would paint my entire life as it is, to a complete stranger for 15 minutes. I wanted to give them the truth of what’s going on. I always thought about it, minutes later. I felt like I had overshared in a conversation. But it never really was oversharing. It was a black and white way of expressing how I felt. I would never stop myself from sharing every detail of my life with my parents. I led my mom on about information about certain things, which I knew would cause a rift in our opinions and perspective. My friend once asked me, “You know the way you and your parents see the world is entirely different. How do you expect them to react or see the world in the same way you did? What happened to privacy? Do you think it’s really only for your friends?” It struck me like lightning. Why is privacy limited to close friends and family members? Why can’t it be applied universally?

Well, the Assertive Bill of Rights says that Every individual has a right to exercise privacy without giving reasons or excuses. It is funny how I wasn’t made aware of it until someone spoke sense to me. I am sure growing up I was never given the right to exercise and the opportunity to feel this way. Adulting just feels like I’m doing the wrong thing, even though I’m doing everything right to support myself and my mental health. There have been times where I have questioned my opinion of a situation. I believe this is because I have been conditioned to fit into other people's opinions of who, what, and how I should view the world. There will be times where I even require external validation to make sure all my choices are “right”. It was always valid for me to exercise my choices. There is no right or wrong. We only have different outcomes. It also blinds me from seeing the grey in people. And truth be told, it is toxic to a certain extent. It means recognizing a person needs privacy when they do not feel comfortable sharing what happened in their day, no matter how close they might be to me. A friend not being there for me during a tough time doesn’t make them an " unreliable " friend. Maybe they were having a bad day too. A friend not being able to fill my cup when their own cup is empty is a sign that they need space. It also implies that resting is productive. We don’t always have to chase the next big thing in life.

This also means accepting that not everything is about me. And that is okay.

Trust the process was a quote I never really understood. But now I know it means living in between and trusting that things will unfold as you live through them (without chasing them or chasing the extremes). People are always changing, trying and growing into more complex evolving forms. It is fascinating when the most basic human tendencies are invalidated as children, as an adult, it made me question my beliefs and choices, even though I’ve tackled the most traumatic life-altering experiences with emotional intelligence and maturity. Unlearning, and learning is the most uncomfortable position I've been in. It means reprogramming my mind to believe what I am doing is best for me, even when it doesn’t feel that way. But growth doesn't take place in a cosy, warm environment. Regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you feel, if it means standing up for your beliefs, it's worth everything.

#inner child #innerpower #healing #selflove #childhood #mental health #emotional health #innerstrength #difficult parents #innerbeing #anxiety #depression #self healing #heartbreak

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talesofhamsi · 1 year

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Shadow Work

“Manasa I would like to ask you a question” Dr. Alison looked at me intently.

It was Wednesday. I rushed from my laboratory, temporarily pausing my research work, to work with Dr. Alison for my session.

“On a spectrum, on a broad scale, let us arrange your trauma triggers into a pyramid, with the lowest, less conflicting, or least triggering situation on the flat base of the pyramid. Despite its low impact, it can still trigger or create a reaction. The highest, most sensitive situation is at the top of the pyramid” she said. Her office looked blue against the newly installed sun shield from her window.

“The top of the pyramid would be having conflicting conversations with people. I feel very unsafe when I have conflicting conversations with people," I said

“That is very interesting. As a trauma survivor who has suffered physical and sexual abuse, I would think intimate relationships would present a challenge to you. What part of you makes you feel like you can’t have a conflicting conversation with people, in general?" she questioned.

“Given how I've grown up, I've always felt like I hadn't had a voice of my own. When I expressed my feelings about something, I felt dismissed. So, I’ve avoided conflict my entire life. Putting myself in a space where there is a conflict between me and a person chokes me up. It makes me feel anxious. Truth be told, I feel the need to not deal with it”, I said. My hands were sweaty as I wiped them down on my pants.

“Can you give me an example?" she prompted

“Uhm.. there was a time when I and my best friend had different opinions about my ex, from the time when I dated him. She vocalized her opinion about him by saying that I deserved better." I paused to drink some water as I recollected my memory.

“When she said that, I tried talking to her about how kind of a guy he is and she doesn’t know him as well as I do. At that point, I just wanted her to halt this conversation because in my brain I felt that this conversation had taken a conflicting path. She never stopped. She questioned my understanding of him, and I was tired of defending my decision to date him and my anxiety soared through the roof. We finally stopped the conversation when I had a breakdown and when I started crying," I said.

“Why did you cry?" she asked me.

“I guess some part of me didn’t want to have this conversation with her. I wanted her to be accepting of the choices I made instead of questioning them”, I replied

“Do you think, since your choices were dismissed as a child, people questioning your actions, your choices, or the way you approach about doing certain things makes you feel anxious?" she asked me.

"Maybe," I said. “And that could be one of the reasons why I can’t handle people’s opinions about the choices I make in my life," I said.

“Well, that is heavy. But we will work on it," she said as she took some notes.

We wrapped up the session in a while.

My life flashed before my eyes as I was on my way to my laboratory after my session. Today, I touched waters that my 20-year-old self would not even have acknowledged, owing to the fact I was conditioned to grow that way. Standing up for myself and protecting myself is something that I’m learning. In that process, I am trying to discern between protecting myself from the people who love me and protecting myself out of survival instincts. I’ve started this journey, never knowing its bounds but only sailing to know I’m unravelling towards a better version of myself every day.

I do wonder if all this shadow work that I do would help me ascend to a better version of myself and as I look back at my 5-year-old self, I wonder if she would have been comfortable expressing herself with the version of me, the person that I am today.

After 23 long years, she responded “Yes”.

For her I am everything that I am, and everything I am trying to be.

#inner child #innerpower #healing #selflove #childhood #mental health #emotional health #innerstrength #difficult parents #innerbeing #shadow work #anxiety #depression

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talesofhamsi · 1 year

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@ courtneysonnerdesign

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talesofhamsi · 1 year

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The Session

“You finally found us!”, a middle-aged woman with piercing green eyes welcomed me with a warm smile.

“Dr. Alison”, I got up from my seat and fixed the crease of my coat.

“I’m sorry it took me a while, to find your new office”, I laughed nervously as I played with my hands

“That’s okay. Come on in”, she said. I followed her through a row of rooms and finally entered a dimly lit room.

The pale blue sofa from her previous office had been placed near the window. A small table was placed adjacent to it. I felt quite distracted by the colourful stones that had different quotes on each of them.

“Manasa, in our previous session I remember you wanted to identify and explore more about who you are as a person rather than being identified as playing a role in someone’s life (A friend, A girlfriend, etc). I wanted to work more towards that. Are you comfortable talking about it today?” Dr. Alison said. Her hands were quite full with little notes written all about my history.

I nodded and gave her an affirmative answer

“You had mentioned you identified as a people-pleaser, a chameleon in your overall relationships, be it friends, family, or romantic relationships” she rummaged through her notes from our previous session “You were quite emotional and you couldn’t find more positive words to identify yourself in relationships” she narrowed her eyes down at me.

I gave her a weak smile and responded, “Yes”

“Imagine one day you woke up, and you feel like you got it all figured out. You know who you are, and what you want and you identify yourself well enough to know you are not subjected to a role. How would that make you feel?”, she enquired

I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t know how I felt about that.

“I honestly don’t know. I can’t imagine myself in that position right now”

“A thorough sense of security and belonging comes from the fact that we trust our choices, decisions and most importantly ourselves. If you were not the events that happened to you, the relationships you’ve been a part of, and the parenting that made you conditioned to who you are, maybe you are trying to find yourself”, she said. “And it is okay. Do you think your parents have it figured out?” she questioned me.

“I don’t think so,” I said wryly.

She laughed at my tone and asked, “Well, what makes you feel like you need to have it figured out right now?”

“I think I might feel the need to control what is going on in my life,”

“I can see that it affects you as a person, but you need to learn to trust yourself. You deserve to. You are the safest shelter you seek in others, when you start there, you will be able to identify who you are better”, she said.

I nodded as the words she said made my heart sink a little. After a few more conversations, I wore my coat to leave her office.

“Dr. Alison, what do you take from this quote What you seek is seeking you?”

“I think it talks more about attracting what you already are searching for. But in a broader sense, I would relate it to more towards believing what you are seeking is already yours. I wonder what you take from this quote?” she said, her eyes narrowed down at me.

“Well, Dr. Alison, I think it’s bullshit. It does not make sense to me at all, atleast right now”

We laughed as I left her office.

The sun hit my face as I opened the door. With a deep breath, I started my day knowing I’ll find my word someday.

#inner child #innerpower #healing #selflove #childhood #mental health #emotional health #innerstrength #difficult parents #innerbeing #anxiety #women writers

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talesofhamsi · 1 year

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Crazyheadcomics

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talesofhamsi · 1 year

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Want to learn something new in 2022??

Absolute beginner adult ballet series (fabulous beginning teacher)

40 piano lessons for beginners (some of the best explanations for piano I’ve ever seen)

Excellent basic crochet video series

Basic knitting (probably the best how to knit video out there)

Pre-Free Figure Skate Levels A-D guides and practice activities (each video builds up with exercises to the actual moves!)

How to draw character faces video (very funny, surprisingly instructive?)

Another drawing character faces video

Literally my favorite art pose hack

Tutorial of how to make a whole ass Stardew Valley esque farming game in Gamemaker Studios 2??

Introduction to flying small aircrafts

French/Dutch/Fishtail braiding

Playing the guitar for beginners (well paced and excellent instructor)

Playing the violin for beginners (really good practical tips mixed in)

Color theory in digital art (not of the children’s hospital variety)

Retake classes you hated but now there’s zero stakes:

Calculus 1 (full semester class)

Learn basic statistics (free textbook)

Introduction to college physics (free textbook)

Introduction to accounting (free textbook)

Learn a language:

Ancient Greek

Latin

Spanish

German

Japanese (grammar guide) (for dummies)

French

Russian (pretty good cyrillic guide!)

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talesofhamsi · 1 year

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Thoughts after breathwork

#inner child #healing #childhood #mental health #innerpower #selflove #innerstrength #difficult parents #emotional health #innerbeing #anxiety

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talesofhamsi · 1 year

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November of 2022

November put me in place. November put me in place with the choices I made.

After class, I approached my professor, whom I dreamed of working with.

“Hi,” I said half-heartedly with a bright smile plastered on my face.

“Hello, how can I help you?” he questioned me.

“I really would love to have a look at the Kenneth Krackow Laboratory. I know there aren’t any open positions available for Master’s students right now. I admire your work and would love to take a look” I said in a low tone.

His iPhone rang.

“Can you give me a moment? It’s someone from the lab," he excused himself and walked out of the door.

After months of creeping into his publications, memorizing each article and publication word by word, and etching every person who worked in his laboratory in my pint-size brain, I felt teary-eyed that I would lose this position. I would never get the opportunity to work with Dr. Ehrensberger.

That morning, I felt like I didn’t have my life together. I felt scattered.

Voices of my parents picking up on me flashed before my eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner? It’s too late now. How can we help?” my mother said.

I snapped out of it.

Andrew’s last words haunted me.

“I hope you find someone better," he said. I could feel the bitterness in his voice. I looked at the skyline from the window. The skies were pale but they still looked pretty against the snow.

My mind wandered round and round in circles.

"I can see you’re struggling with something.”

“We’re here."

“Talk to us."

I snapped out of all of it. Dr. Ehrensberger walked into the room. I focused on giving him a genuine smile.

“Sorry, it was a lab emergency. What were you saying?", he asked his voice chirpier than usual.

I smiled and repeated myself.

“Hamsi, I can see that you are doing well in my class. I was just trying to wait till the end of the semester to find a suitable project to welcome you into the laboratory. Will you be open to joining the lab this winter? I hope you do”, he smiled and exclaimed enthusiastically.

“Ye-s-s Professor. I would love to work with you”, I said stuttering, dumb-founded at his response.

We packed our bags as he gave me a tenatative timeline for the project and we parted ways as we bid each other good-byes.

I switched on the lights to realize none of my roommates were home. The kitchen looked quaint and tranquil without the bustling sounds of pots and pans clanking together. On the contrary, at 9 am the kitchen looked like a warzone.

As my favourite song blared in the kitchen, I danced like no one was watching.

My head felt dizzy. I stopped myself and breathed in the fresh air. I stood near the counter recollecting myself.

I cried. I held onto the kitchen counter and pumped my fist up in the air, I hugged myself and sobbed even more. I realized I had never stopped working hard. I pushed myself hoping I would get a peek into his laboratory. The whole experience felt so monumental, even though November was tough.

My ragged relationship with my family, the intensity of the breakup, how tired I had been for the last few weeks didn't matter. I found a glimpse of the rainbow in the rain; I existed in between the lines and for a few seconds I didn’t give into the matrix. For the first time I felt grateful for being here.

As my good friend always told me,

It's only uphill from this point on Hamsi, I can feel it for you.

I truly felt it.

#inner child #emotional health #mental health #childhood #difficult parents #family members and relatives #relationship #self worth #self awareness #self love #self improvement #self esteem

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talesofhamsi · 1 year

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Finding Home

Years of being in the same places etch its familiarity in your mind. Muscle memory, they said. I knew home through my muscle memory. The way I recognized mom making rasam, as I sat on my bed minutes after waking up. The way dad came home with guavas after work, the way paati asked me if I had eaten something in between my work hours. I blew hot air into my palms as I stood on the porch. It can get cold here, at least for a South Indian who grew up in areas with constant perspiration. I sought to remember home here. I craved something familiar. The tiny xerox shop near Pushpa Nagar which has Calvin’s milkshake. The way mom came home and yelled at me to have tea. I missed going to paati and snuggling up to her, knowing she’d have me in her arms in a heartbeat. With pending work left piled on my desk, and with the faint voices of people locked up in their rooms, I felt grateful. Buffalo has been kind to me so far. Moving to a new place no matter how hard it is, teaches you a way of dealing with life. Structures you to become a better person, people always had something to teach me every day. I have been humbled. My ego has been crushed to the ground. You and I are the same. We are fleeting through life hoping we make it someday big.

I wondered if I missed home or if I missed the familiarity of my surroundings. These two always fought each other. I knew I had a greater calling that was present here for me. And moving is just a conjoint portion of it.

Contrary to the habit of finding a home in people, I’m finding home through the experiences that I create for myself. I find solace in the most normal events in my life. Waking up to make chai in the cold weather, listening to music as hot water burns my body when I take a shower, having a well-rested nap, a hot bowl of food that I make with love after a long day. The corner in the library that has an orange hue during sunset, that I snuggle up against to read on Fridays. Getting an avocado-shaped pen cup to hoard all my stationeries in, spending time with people who love me for who I am.

Though this has been a roller coaster, after years of identifying my life experiences and the way I feel about my life with the people whom I surround myself with, I identify life with what I create for myself. As uncanny, unfamiliar, and cliche as it sounds, it comforts me to know I trust the process and the numerous doors it opens for me.

After years of blending into the voice of people, and abiding by what they bring to the table. I bring food to the table. And it serves only one.

#inner child #healing #moment #mental health #innerbeing #innerstrength #people pleasing #anxiety #emotional health #selflove #innerpower #heartbreak #help #art

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talesofhamsi · 1 year

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One thing I’ve stopped recently is saving items for hypothetical special occasions. I no longer want to assert the thinking that special moments and items are so few and far between that they must be savored. Wearing the dress, spraying the perfume, drinking the wine whenever I want to.

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talesofhamsi · 2 years

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you are loved. on quiet days that feel meaningless, during long nights when loneliness consumes you, when you’re reminiscing and grieving the past, on good days that feel like warmth and light, always remember that you are loved.

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talesofhamsi · 2 years

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This is not really a question but just wanted to say I love your blog and I'm proud of you for all the healing you've done and continue to do ❤️

Thank you for your kind comment! I wish you lots of healing and happiness in your life 🫂💕

#inner child #consciousness #innerpower #healing #inner circle #childhood #selflove #children #parents #toddler

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