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yunwnya · 2 months

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so... i don't know where to start or what to call this, but let this be my small thoughts about kouta from tsumigram by @74n5n

i don't promise that there will be some smart thoughts and brilliant theories, because i can't consider myself a theorist, i'm dumb for theories. just some random and messy thoughts because... i like kouta.

it also turned out to be a bit long and not very structured...

so, i'm gonna start with my overall impression on him. kouta gives the impression of a very quiet, non talkative and closed person. he doesn't seem anxious to me, he's just distant.

his poses in the drawings are closed, tense, perhaps weak like he's exhausted. his facial expression is often thoughtful, sad, also tense. sometimes neutral, but there is always some shade of melancholy. he doesn't seem so stressed, he seems very exhausted. as if there's no energy left in him.

that's... all i can say about him at a glance. he's just... a depressed guy who doesn't talk much.

I appreciate your concern, but I don't… want to talk very much. It's not about you, really, you're actually a nice person. Just— just my own problems.

he's not the kind of person you can tell a lot about just by looking at them. he doesn't have a lot of energy and he doesn't draw a lot of attention to himself.

I don't have a lot of friends, I don't get approached too often.

kouta isn't the kind of person who takes responsibility. he doesn't make decisions for himself, he's used to others making decisions for him.

Huh… so you're going to decide on our fates. Well, it can't surprise me.

It’s not surprising that my fate is going to be decided by someone else who I don't even know. So, no questions.

maybe other people just put pressure on him without giving him that opportunity? something like "oh no, i'll do x for you so you can have proper x" or something like that. he's used to having his life controlled by something outside of him, but not by himself. and did he once have that will? if so, whose fault is it that it disappeared? random thought.

i also think that kouta really has depression. he seems very weak, has little energy, death is often mentioned next to him (i'll talk about that later), which may remind of suicidal thoughts, his prisoner color is gray, which may indicate a low mood, he is quite indifferent to everything. he also mentioned in a dialogue with miku that he wakes up every hour (at least that's how it feels like to him).

Miku: Hmph. What are you doing here? Kouta: Have been waking up every hour… Ah, I mean, “every hour” is just what it feels like. I don't quite understand how time passes in this place…

and in the drawings i see bruises under his eyes? it resembles insomnia, sleep problems, which can also be a symptom of depression.

hm… i don't know what else to add. let this be a small intro. and let's move on to his memory reports.

Record no.1 ▆▆ going to be a decent person today, ▆▆ leaving as usual. Do that, don't do that; it's pretty annoying, what's so scary? Pain is not scary. ▆▆ not afraid of anything that doesn't involve talking to others — otherwise, ▆▆ freezing in place and feeling like ▆▆ already gone. In the end, ▆ can't find enough strength to make a difference. The attempts ▆▆ gathered so far went in vain; ▆ would like to finish it for all, so that ▆ don't hate anymore, anyone. It's fine, ▆ will wake up soon.

i'm wondering… who is kouta talking about? i already have a couple thoughts on this, but for that i want to look at the record no.2

— What do you want? Not sure, I guess she was pouting. Of course, what else would she be doing. — I don't like that girl. Don't talk to her. — She's the one talking to me. Can't help it. — Do you not care about me? As if it's me who doesn't care! You constantly complain about each other to me. — I'm taking a nap. — It's dangerous to sleep in the train. I might be in a bad mood and not wake you up in time. I'm in a bad mood today, by the way. — Don't care. — Good luck at Kisaragi station. — Thank you very much.

i see some pretty toxic friendships here. definitely jealousy in a friendship isn't something that can be called healthy.

and i see it this way: kouta's friend (girl A) took offense to him for talking to a certain girl (girl B) they both know and she (girl A) doesn't really like.

You constantly complain about each other to me.

↑ says that girl A knows girl B and they both knows kouta. three-way friendship?

and again what i'm seeing here is that they're trying to make a decision for kouta. "don't talk to this girl, i don't like her and i don't care what you think".

and in the phrase "Good luck at Kisaragi station" i see an implicit death wish. in the kusaragi station legend, the woman most likely died in the end.

and first of all, the theme of death again, and secondly, death wishes in a friendship… really, as kouta himself says, it's not the kind of friendship you see in stories on the screen:

I guess it's the closest to friendship I've experienced; though I don't know how they viewed that, and it certainly didn't resemble the friendship seen in stories on the screen.

kouta himself is in no hurry to call it friendship, though. it's the closest to friendship, as he puts it.

A screeching sound and I grip her hand by instinct, maybe getting scared or trying to save her or both; black out, I think the train crashed.

but still, kouta tries to save this friendship? but it seems too late now because "the train crashed". or he's used to this friendship, despite all the toxicity, so he's scared of losing it, so he saves it to keep his comfort zone. this has no particular foundation, just a thought.

so. back to the record no.1… i think he's talking about girl A. but he may also be talking about himself?

"The attempts ▆▆ gathered so far went in vain; ▆ would like to finish it for all, so that ▆ don't hate anymore, anyone."

↑ just reminded me of kouta. i'm not sure this is specifically about him. leaning towards that this is about another person.

that reminded me of him because he said something similar, but here it's more clear that he's talking about himself ↓

I promise, I'll kill either myself or someone else when I get fed up with it.

this part is from record no.3 and for some reason it seems to me that record no.1 and record no.3 are similar. it's like in them kouta is talking about one person but at the same time talking about himself. maybe he's talking about himself but putting it to another person he thinks he's similar?

It's fine. It's fine. We're similar yet different, how to put it.

maybe he's really talking about his friend and himself? but maybe... about three people at once? about the girl A, girl B and kouta himself? but it seems to me that this is all connected with girl A and kouta. i... still need to think, so it's a raw thought.

voice drama. i'm not going to say that kouta is very taciturn, it's obvious. he's pretty hard to talk to, isn't he? but still, i saw a couple things that i found interesting.

Kouta: Not funny… It's a joke to you, but life is seriously unfair… Ego: …I was joking, but I get it. About life being unfair. I mean, ironically, I wouldn't be able to act so leisurely if I still cared. Mhm. You get constantly told, the world is huge and full of fun, there's always something. Though it's all meaningless when you simply can't feel enjoyment as a person. The easiest solution is to keep yourself up with instant pleasures, but, obviously, they fade away in an instant. It becomes worse and worse as you're growing up, too.

kouta says nothing in response. perhaps he agrees with ego's words? he probably does, since he's asking the next question, continues the dialogue. it's unspoken agreement, maybe?

Kouta: Did you have a good childhood? Warden. Kouta: Do you feel like there's something you can come back to? Kouta: Uh, such as… You feel at a loss in university and then remember your childhood dreams. They might be frozen now, but they're still here. Or, you come back to nice memories and find comfort in them again. Kouta: There are also people who didn't have anything from the very start. This kind of unfairness. Not having anything, ever. Kouta: If you had a decent childhood, you can't get it.

perhaps, kouta wants at least some source of positive emotions in his life. he sees memories as something that can soothe and bring joy. he wants to have memories in which he can find solace, since he cannot find solace now. but he has nothing.

perhaps he really was constantly told that life is full of great opportunities — just look around. but he can't feel the pleasure of life. and he doesn't even have any memories that he can grab onto and drink the last juices of positive emotions from them.

maybe it has something to do with the fact that he's not trying to solve something on his own. and it seems to me that his crime looks like something that brought him joy, but began to crumble before his eyes through someone's/his fault. and when he found the strength to fix something on his own, it was too late. his own decision brought nothing but loss, death. but it's just a thought. it's still hard for me to put together what he's talking about and his memories.

it's also interesting how kouta doesn't speak directly about himself, but uses such figures of speech as "there are also people". but it's painfully obvious that he means himself. he really doesn't like to talk about himself, does he?

Kouta: …You remind me of my classmate. Ego: Really? Kouta: No, uh… I don't really remember her, but it was my classmate. Ego: Is she related to your crime? Kouta: … Ego: Your stare is not telling me anything. Kouta: I don't know what “crime” you're talking about.

it seems that kouta's silence is another agreement, because he has already shown such behavior here, right? but he quickly denies it, as before. kouta is quite... protective of himself?

Ego: Now I feel sort of bad for teasing you. Kouta: For sure. People like you only stop when the object of your bullying starts crying. Ego: I'm not a bully! Kouta: Bullying me is the first thing you did once coming to this room.

Kouta: …You remind me of my classmate.

and also the fact that he says that ego bullies him (i'm not sure if he's joking/being sarcastic or not, but kouta doesn't look like someone who will joke about this), and then talks about the similarity with his classmate — this suggests that a certain kouta's classmate also bullied him? or their attitude towards him was perceived as bullying. maybe it was girl A.

i can't be sure that kouta's theme is bullying, so i'm leaning towards the fact that he just felt her attitude towards him as bullying. but who knows? it's still only trial 1. we will see more in the future.

and if the girl A from kouta's memories is his classmate, then perhaps she is really related to his crime.

Kouta: You remind me of someone… Ego: Am I? Kouta: Ah, no… who… Ego: Eh? Kouta: I've just got a weird feeling. Ego: What? Kouta: I don't quite remember who.

it's also interesting that at the beginning of the interrogation, kouta mentions that ego reminded him of someone, and after the bell rings, he says that ego reminds him of his classmate. he really remembered, didn't he? or did he not want to talk at first and pretended that he didn't remember? kouta doesn't want to remember a certain classmate? but maybe he really didn't remember at first. and then remembered. strange to me.

Kouta: I've just got a weird feeling. Ego: What? Kouta: I don't quite remember who. Ego: Is that so. Kouta: …Is this because of MILGRAM? Ego: What? Kouta: The problems with our memories. Ego: Hm-m, maybe. It seems to be the case with most of you. In a different amount, though, everyone has scattered memories. Hotaru-san mentioned the feeling of an obstacle in their head that doesn't let them remember more. Kouta: It gives me a headache, trying to remember… How troublesome.

by the way, it's interesting that kouta doesn't remember, he has a weird feeling, it gives him a headache, trying to remember, and hotaru mentions the feeling of an obstacle in their head that doesn't let them remember more. all prisoners don't remember something in different ways, it causes them different feelings. this is an interesting thing that i noticed, but it doesn't really relate to the topic.

interactions with other prisoners. i'm not going to talk here about how exactly he interacts with others, i just want to point out some things i've noticed.

U-uh, don't scare me like this.

Not that I remember… Please don't shake me.

Duh! Can you people stop suddenly approaching me from behind?!

Ack… No… Uh, please don't shake me.

Just, please don't be too loud when you do…

…Please stop getting so close to me.

P-please don't hit me on my back…

kouta doesn't like physical contact and loud noises? most likely. could he have moments of sensory overload, maybe? i think so. random thought, but let it be.

ah, i've also noticed that kouta is often shaken by others… when we want to wake a sleeping person, we shake them. (eternal) sleep is death. a theme that surrounds kouta. kouta doesn't like to be shaken. kouta doesn't want to wake up? kouta doesn't want to be alive? ah, i guess i'm overthinking this.

i noticed that the theme of death surrounds kouta. even in his dialog with remi:

A lot of people receive nothing but “they were kind to everyone and we never knew they were suffering so much” at their funeral.

funeral. it's interesting that even there are references to death.

in the dialogue with chise, kouta notices that she falls asleep with jacka in her arms. and he doesn't take responsibility, he's just going to tell ego about it, leaving it for her. like, "hey, something happened here, but i really don't want to deal with it, so i'll leave it for you."

She's hugging the rabbit… Hm? Hello there. Uh, but it's bad if Kawai-san keeps on sleeping on a cold floor… Um-m… I could ask someone to bring her to her cell… But she's not on good terms with anyone who could be strong enough. Ahh. I’ll just go ask Warden and leave her to deal with this.

but it's also cute that he cares about chise ^^

let's take a quick look at the illustrations.

his birthday illustration (so cute). it scares the hell out of me that his school photo with a mourning ribbon (moshou) is hanging behind him.

by the way, the same one hangs behind miku in his birthday illustration. i wonder if this is a general concept of birthdays illustrations or if it applies only to these two? we'll see more in the future, i guess. but even if we judge about this as an individual thing, then again… death. it really haunts him.

shameplant: delicate feelings, sensitivity

kouta doesn't seem like someone sensitive at first glance, does he? he's indifferent, most likely.

amaryllis: pride, brilliant beauty, chatter

chatter, huh? kouta isn't chatty at all.

carolina jasmine: sweet whisper, long life

i think i remember from kouta's memories the phrase that "he was only yelled at." and death again… hmm, interesting. i mean, all these oppositions.

as for this illustration there's already very good analysis. i'm not gonna repeat it, but i'll just make a general conclusion: it all has a common concept of death and the shortness of life, what we have already seen in kouta. even the colors in the illustration aren't bright. they're grayish, gloomy.

answers to questions. i'll try to be short... and it seems that new answers to the questions are waiting for us, so… maybe i'll make another post.

perhaps kouta's parents were overprotective. it's not surprising to him that someone else makes decisions for him, that his fate is decided by someone else. maybe it's because of his parents.

it also reminds me of this from record no.2:

— I don't like that girl. Don't talk to her.

controlling thing, you know.

also, because of his parents, he may not like physical contact. it is possible that kouta was physically abused, hmm? but to be honest, i don't see anything that could talk about it, other than his reaction to when others touch him.

but still, his childhood was hardly a good, "decent" thing.

so, as i said, kouta is used to having someone decide something for him. he's an art student, so he can draw, right? just a little.

but when he was asked to draw himself, he just crossed out the drawing. as if he considers his art to be something not good? this make me think that kouta was... forced to go to art college/university? maybe it wasn't solely his decision? even if they didn't force him, they just advised him? like, "hey, you seem to be good at drawing, why don't you go to art college?" and kouta, "hmm, okay…"

but it seems i'm overthinking again... never mind me. it seems that kouta is just not very confident in himself and his drawing abilities, so he decided to cross out the drawing.

hmm, but considering that, maybe kouta really doesn't like to show his feelings. he crossed out the drawing of himself and evasively answered the question of what he thinks about ego.

some people can consider their art to be a reflection of their feelings, and kouta could consider even such a small sketch of himself as something personal, so he crossed it out, as if not wanting to show "himself" to others. and he also didn't want to talk about what he thinks about ego — because she reminds him of his classmate, and this is personal.

i also think that in kouta's life the feeling of control is quite important? this answer of his gave me this idea ↓

he cannot predict the behavior of animals, which means he doesn't know how to behave in accordance with their behavior. it's easier if you know what's going to happen. you know how to react, how to behave, even how you might feel at such a moment. it seems that for kouta, this sense of control is important? at least that's what i thought. well, maybe not that important, but it does matter, i guess...

and last, a little bit of silly and small thoughts (because i want to analyze him from top to bottom):

the 下 (down, below) used in his name reminds me of his behavior. he is "low", he is quiet, he is silent. could possibly refer to his possible relationship with someone — he is "below" someone.

it's been mentioned that if kouta was a macaroon, he would taste like candle wax... i know it's very silly, but still. candle. the candle burns but eventually goes out. it's like the process of life and death, right? again, i see the theme of death even here. candle wax is what's left of the candle after it goes out.

kouta as sanrio character is gudetama, according to this post. "Their name is a play on "gude gude"; used to describe someone with no energy or strength and possibly tama from tamago (egg). Gudetama is hard to motivate and has a negative, defeatist attitude. On its official Twitter account's profile comment, it says that it goes through trouble and murmur every day and that it only does its (tweets?) because "great people" told it to. It believes that some day it will be eaten." this reminds me of kouta's generally tired behavior, as well as the fact that he is used to having decisions made for him.

so…. what can i say in the end?

you watch something crumble, break, but when you find the strength to save it, it's too late, it breaks down to the end. you find joy only in fleeting pleasures that quickly disappear like a burst bubble. you get used to the fact that your life is under someone else's control and you don't try to do something on your own - either because you've never tried, or because you don't have the strength left to live at all.

i can't be sure that i can say anything specific about kouta's crime… but, again, i have the general and pretty raw idea in my head.

i hope it didn't turn out to be completely stupid… and i'm sorry if i was wrong somewhere. but it was very interesting to analyze such a character who doesn't talk much about himself. i'm looking forward to more information about kouta...

#yunatalks #tsumigram #phew i finally did it #i still want to analyze a couple more things #but not today #so that's all i have on my mind so far

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