💝 Happy Valentine's Day! 💝

I had the idea for this comic in like August but now it's been so long that I can't really tell if it's funny anymore 😂😭

NOW CAN I HEAR UR HCS FOR P1 AND P2? >:)

NHGRRRR STRAINIG MY BRAIN our hcs also kinda same buutt anywayyyyy

there is kindaa a longread sooo

P1

- Among all dudes only P1 and sch.. sc.. SHTOPOR were at war (p1) or served in the army (shtopor (airbone)) - has sufficient paramedical skills due to military service - his hobbies are playing guitar and singing. Punk-like singing. Grunge-like singing. Not even singing, I would say SCREAMING - he doesnt understand almost all jokes. And if hes trying to make a joke probably its gonna be dark as hell\unfunny\scary\obscure or dad puns*tm (rare) - "You cant sleep now. Monsters are nearby" - can speak german - "Demonic voice wont shut the fuck up. Please help me." - P1 is very diff in comparison to other dudes. He is so serious. He is the one at party who stays in the corner (meme ref they dont know that [...]) - scary mask amd skary voice is only a cover. Deeply inside he is very gentle and caring. But nobody knows this. - He IS an antihorny. He HATES nudity - my todays dream is revealed that he has Cain (like cain and abel ykno) vibes. Im not joking. It was in my dream. and Im gonna stick to it. I DONT KNOW BIBLE THO!!!!!!!!! my mom just once mentioned cain yesterday AND HERE WE GO - he struggles with religion SO MUCH. (im not gonna explain it rn. im doin a fcking comic on it) - Hes always on the verge of a mental breakdown. But he perfer to not think abt it and go VIOLENT that let his true emotions out - migraine survivor - imo he is a cleany one, and his own hygiene is GOOD, altho he doesnt use hairbrush that often. - "Gifted but lazy kid" in the past. "Academic perfomance flew off. You need to show him to a doc. He Could If He Wanted To." - p1 doesnt smoke or drink. He actually doesnt do all these unhealty stuff - oh GOD LORD am NOT your STRONGEST SOLDIER😭

P2

- Can you gib me an ibuprofen. My head are exploding rn (literally) - homophobic bisexual - lit had married his wife cuz he didnt know his bi and thats the reason why their marriage is SHIT - postal dudess (i dont like word doe :/) is his younger sister - he would kill for her and she would kill for him. I love them sm. - also has struggles with religion, but less intense than p1, p2 actually solved them later (gonn explain it laterrrr) - his organism is a fucking garbage but somehow his addictions doesnt damage him that much. - stinky rat. Shower? more like shower of deodorant AHAHSHAH - Hes always perked up, always joking and funny and unfunny, horny, shit, sarcastic etc jokes. - His language is Sarcasm - "im gonna кмs in front of them just to switch trajectory of their lives LMAOOOOO" - Also Lazy Gifted kid*tm - "Evil as weekend entertainment)" - Would like to play drums - p2, p3 and shtopor would drink together - His sunglasses is his trademark, he doesn't go anywhere without his sunglasses. - AND OF COURSE he has his own OPINIONS ON EVERYTHING. Even if hes wrong. He is stubborn as fuck. You can't argue with him. - He can sleep literally anywhere. Even in a ditch (he did). And you cant woke him up. - The three S bingo*tm - stupid sadistic and suicidal - Jack of all trades, master of none - He is very private, when it comes to touch, altho he has a touch starvation - therefore ^ his love language is touch and tactile connection

Idk for now thst all 😖

starting only murders in the building s2 - post turned out longer than I anticipated so I'm adding the keep reading thing haha

(warning: don't keep reading if you like Selena, I'm expressing my opinion about her bluntly and no, I'm not interested in her defenders' opinions 😁)

straight from the beginning I'm annoyed by the cop dude 🙄 jfc kill him next lol

what Mabel said to him (the lawyer thing) was certainly not funny, and yet the lady cop laughed - they're still trying so hard to convince the audience they can do comedy huh 😂

also, oh my, Selena learned how to open her mouth wider, I'm shocked 😂

I gotta say, as much as I'm interested in the story, all of the characters are so fucking annoying oh my god 😂 (maybe except for Charles but that might be just because he's Steve Martin haha - and I liked Theo too, but the rest of them suck lol)

the "it's a callback" literally made me facepalm - i guess it was supposed to be cringy, but oh my god

Selena's actually better with facial expressions this season so far (did she see all the comments on the internet and took some acting classes before s2 lmao - and I know the comments and reviews criticizing her are there, I went looking to see if I'm the only one not enjoying her performance hahaha), though she still has only one tone of voice - also, in that scene with the cops she was opening her mouth wider, but now she's back to talking as if she was clenching her teeth all the time - it almost hurts my jaw just hearing her talk like that 😂😂 it that just how Selena talks irl? wow that's annoying 😂

why is Cara what's-her-name in this jfc 🙄 i only saw her in paper towns but I do not like her lol

did they hope Amy Schumer would make this show funnier too? that's cute 😂

can they get on with the story of the murder pls I'm bored

actually, as much as I wasn't hype for Cara, I'm enjoying her more than Selena 💁🏻‍♀️ - god, Selena's voice is so monotone she could put me to sleep (and don't start on the "it's just the character" bullshit because it's not just that, I watched a whole season of her not showing any emotions even in scenes that warranted it from even the most closed off aloof sarcastic character) - I know I'm saying a lot of shit about her but she just stands out so much in a very unflattering way lmao

I love Tina Fey, she might be the biggest reason I'm continuing with this show 😂 (aside from being interested in who killed bunny hahaha) - unrelated but: should I continue with 30 Rock? I watched like 10 episodes and it was boring and unfunny but like, does it get better or something? bc I kinda wanna see more of Tina Fey 😂😂

okay, so, I'm really interested in the story, I'm so curious about who killed Bunny and why they're trying to frame the main characters, or mainly Charles lol I'll definitely have to keep watching

it's still painfully unfunny (who the fuck writes this show, how can you claim that your show is a comedy - along with other things obvi - and have no funny jokes whatsoever - there are jokes, just not funny ones lol)

Selena is better than in s1 tbh I still don't particularly enjoy her, but at least her face isn't stuck in two facial expressions interchangeably 💁🏻‍♀️ (her tone of voice is still distractingly monotone tho)

I don't know what the purpose of having Amy Schumer in this is, because... well. I kinda liked her specials when I watched them when I was like 15 but... she's not the funniest comedian and we all know that sns - also, if your script sucks in terms of comedy, even bringing the funniest person wouldn't do much sns 😂

I liked it but I gotta say, this show doesn't have the greatest opening episodes. s1e1 was meh, s2e1 was better but only because I already knew the characters

but yeah, it was good, gotta watch the next one later or tomorrow idk (see, a good opening episode would get me so hooked I'd wanna binge it right the fuck now but while I am interested and wanna keep watching, I'm not feeling it rn haha)

how ncis characters act when they’re jealous:

characters: leroy jethro gibbs, dwayne pride, tony dinozzo, chris lasalle, tim mcgee, tammy gregorio, nick torres, sebastian lund

a/n: might make a part two with more characters if i get the inspo

leroy jethro gibbs: he wouldn’t realize it was jealousy until somebody points it out. he’s usually wearing this stern look with hard eyes so jethro’s jealousy takes the form of not talking at all. and lots of staring. he would internalize his behavior as being concerned for you, or something not feeling right deep in his gut. and the guy who’s taking up so much of your attention will forever be an annoyance to gibbs.

jethro doesn’t interfere, though. not unless he feels like he has to - until then, gibbs will likely just sulk in the corner until you were free. but you can really start to feel his jealousy once you’re at his side again and he’s barely saying two words to you and still glaring at the annoying bastard. if you ask him what’s wrong, he’ll say it’s nothing. and later, when you both are alone, that’s when he reflects and feels like a stupid ass for acting the way he did.

dwayne pride: honestly, he gets a Kicked Puppy Vibe whenever he’s feeling jealousy. dwayne is a very sensitive person and he feels the loss of your presence like the sunshine hiding behind a cloud. he’ll try to ignore that twisted up feeling in his stomach and go on to enjoy the night, but dwayne always finds you in the crowd. always huffs a little when he sees you with someone else. always reins himself in from stealing your attention away.

later on, his affection is amped up to the max. dwayne will absolutely shine under your attention, and he’ll honestly get a bit clingy for the rest of the night. of course, he knows himself well enough to know what he’s doing. he feels a little embarrassed by it. so maybe some of the kisses he gives you is his secret way of apologizing.

tony dinozzo: he doesn’t get jealous. not at all. why should tony care if this loser keeps making you laugh so fucking hard at jokes that aren’t even funny? he only steps in because this other guy is so wildly unfunny that tony is afraid you might just die of boredom, and as you know so well, tony is a pretty heroic guy. it’s his job to take you far, far away from the asshole who was starting to stand just a little too close.

tony couldn’t hide his jealousy to save his own life. he likes to believe he’s suave and cunning and doesn’t let things get to him. and maybe that’s true for most things. but just as soon as he gets you alone, tony has this primal need to pull you in close and remind you what’s what. he doesn’t like to think of it as proving himself, but the marks on your neck prove differently…

chris lasalle: very little truly gets under christopher’s skin, and jealousy isn’t one of them. sure, he likes your attention, but chris is also very secure in the relationship. it’s kinda hard to feel threatened when he’s the one who lead you into the party, arm over your shoulders, showing you off and giving lots of kisses and doesn’t really give a fuck who sees. he might even revel in the fact that onlookers start to feel a little jealous of him.

if there’s any jealousy to be had, it’s toward your glass because your hands and mouth are all over it, instead of him. it’s toward the music itself for making you move so fluidly and sexy. it’s toward the liquor for putting that big grin on your face when chris should be doing that himself. he does later, rest assured. makes dumb jokes when his hands are all over your body, and he has nothing left to be jealous over.

tim mcgee: if jealousy could be adorable, it would be on tim. he’s prone to self-consciousness and self-doubt, and that would all come out whenever his position with you feels threatened. he loves and trusts you explicitly - it’s just his own dumb head making up crazy thoughts that you’ll find somebody better than him and tim works himself into a frenzy and he ends up embarrassing himself in front of you in some way or another.

at home, tim just apologizes. stutters his excuses with pink cheeks and shaky fingers. it won’t be until a while into the relationship when he’s more confident and self-assured. but until then, sometimes you just gotta wrap your arms around him and hold him tight and let him figure out for himself that you really do love him - even when you can hear abby reassuring him from across the room.

tammy gregorio: when she’s feeling jealous, it’s going to be loud and it’s going to be obvious. tammy will deny it, of course. insist she isn’t the jealous type and that she’s got more self-respect than that. but she’s not the only eagle-eyed person on the team - you can always see her watching you from across the room if somebody’s getting a little too friendly. she’ll tell you over and over she doesn’t feel threatened, but it’s always proven wrong when tammy always subtly puts herself between you and some slimy asshole.

even if you call her out on it later, she wouldn’t really care. in fact, tammy will probably turn it around on you, somehow - ask why you were paying so much attention to how she reacted. did you want her to get jealous? do you think it’s hot when tammy intervenes and puts on her Scary Agent Face? you’ll say no, of course. but she’s a profiler.

nick torres: this man is an opportunist. that’s how he lived as an undercover agent, and that bleeds into his normal life. nick will take the hot, twisted jealousy he’s feeling and turn it into something he can really enjoy. this means coming up to you, grinning at the guy who’s been chatting you up, and really laying it on thick. kissing you, touching you, making sly little comments. nick is also really good at insulting people without actually saying anything rude (which he does.)

nick will act all innocent at home when you confront him. he’ll tell you that he just likes showing his girl off because you’re too fucking cute. but that act doesn’t hold up for very long, and nick just kinda ends up insulting the guy some more by saying he was an idiot and didn’t deserve you and he kinda smelled anyway so why would you ever give him the time of day?

sebastian lund: a man who’s in touch with his feelings knows when he’s feeling jealous, and it just makes sebastian feel guilty. he trusts you more than he trusts anybody else, and he knows you wouldn’t do anything - still, sebastian just gets this unfamiliar tightness in this stomach when he hears you laugh across the room and it wasn’t him you were laughing at. he’ll push it down and try to act nonchalant and like he doesn’t notice you. it doesn’t work. everybody on the team picks up on it and they just look sympathetic.

sebastian would get talkative at home. he can usually talk a lot on normal occasions, but now, he just feels like he wants to have your attention and rambling is the best way for him to do that. sebastian probably won’t even stop talking until you two lay in bed, and his words are stunted by a soft kiss. he’ll eventually feel better - at least until the next day when he’s teased about it.

Okay you know what, I’ve held this back far enough

Why I hate canon Kailor sm

Tw:// misogyny ment, incest ment

Im not gonna tag Kailor on this for obvious reasons plus this is kinda a long post, I don’t mind fanon Kailor mostly because tbh I don’t think it’s really a big thing and most I have seen of it is fine. Don’t read this if you like Kailor and don’t want to hear it bashed

Okay listen, s4 is my favorite season out of all ninjago, but if theres one thing I hate about it the most is Kailor. This ship has always been really annoying to me throughout the show, and I’ve hinted towards that in my blog. But why?

1. It’s basically jaya redone

Kailor brings nothing new or interesting to the table because honestly? It’s literally just the same dynamic as jaya. Socially awkward guy simps for usually unimpressed girl until she eventually caves in and they start dating.

Not only has this already been done before with jaya, but is also completely out of character for Kai to do.

While I admit seeing Kai as a flustered dork is kinda funny, once you realize the context of the situation that they’re in it’s pretty clear that Kai would never actually do this.

Reminder: Kai JUST found out his dead friend is alive and is forced to recognsizle with friends in order to get him back

Usually when Kai is presented in a situation like this, what he normally does is set himself dead first on the task at hand and usually ignores any distractions. He’s mostly distance and seemingly uncaring

((note this is after Zane died and Kai ran away from the ninja because of cole and jays bickering, knowing him he wouldn’t be the most excited to be back. His arc should have revolved around coming to terms with lost friendships due to death or distance but that never happens)).

What Kai DOESNT do is immediately fall head over heels for a girl he JUST meet to the point where even when he sees his DEAD FRIEND ALIVE AND WELL he completely ignores that for a girl he meet less then a week ago

This is something JAY would do, not KAI, Kai is a loyal friend who do anything to save his friends, he cherishes them and would fight god to help them with anything they need, he doesn’t forget them for someone new

It also does skylor unjustice as well, but we’ll get there when we get there

2. It adds nothing to the characters and is otherwise never mention again

You know how bad you fuck up a relationship if the best aspect of it is how it’s rarely on screen

Even considering the fact Kailor is just jayas dynamic, the connection between skylor and Kai feels completely non existent or one sided

Most of Kailor revolves around Kai simping for skylor

They have no common interests, common goals, they rarely actually talk outside of lloyds plan to overthrow chen

The whole relationship feels forced every time it’s brought up because of how disconnected they both are to eachother, Kai only likes skylor because she’s hot and that’s it, nothing else about her is actually interesting to Kai in anyway ((again sort out of character for him in this situation))

Skylor and Kai don’t form any genuine bond with eachother, it feels hallow and empty

Let’s compare this to lava, wait no that would be to easy, let’s compare this to pixane

Pixal and Zane both genuinely like and respect eachother, they both share bonds outside of being robots, they both care about eachother enough to know when they’re uncomfortable or need help

Kailor is barely mentioned past s4 and most of it in s4 is Kai being a creep

Oh yeah let’s get to that

3. It’s really really creepy

Im sorry I don’t find incest jokes funny ninjago, it’s just really uncomfortable and creepy

Hopefully this goes without saying but Kai thinking skylor is hot, figuring out they might be related and no longer finding her hot, and then finding out they aren’t and thinking she’s hot is really weird and creepy

Not to mention scenes like, Kai looking into her room without her knowledge or consent

Or Kai fighting people for her when it’s not necessary

Or him trying to impress her everytime he sees her

This isn’t cute or funny, it’s gross, privacy invading, and overall just very creepy and uncomfortable and most definitely not healthy

Again, this is REALLY out of character for Kai, Kai knows when to back off and respect people’s privacy

Literally the season before this he didn’t get involved in the love triangle probably because he knew that would make Nya’s situation worse

So for him to suddenly become this privacy evading perv is so grossly out of character for him and makes the whole relationship feel off and unhealthy

And finally

4. The whole thing is misogynistic

During this entire thing skylor doesn’t get a choice in the show once, she follows the commands of her dad before Kai tells her not to like her dad and follows his lead.

She doesn’t come to disliking her dad by her own thought, she was told to by Kai

She doesn’t get to do anything that SHE actually wants to do until LITERALLY the VERY END

She’s told by guys around her what she should do constantly, even without her being a love interest that’s just screams misogynistic to me ((Afab speaking anyways))

Everything about her character, down to the way she talks, who she’s allied with, and even sometimes how she looks is determined by male characters

Conclusion

If canon ships were shrek movies then kailor is easily shrek the third, a constant tired unfunny mess that caused everyone to think that these ships were shit ((to be fair Jaya is kinda bad to but at least it tired to get better))

There’s nothing redeeming about it to me, every time it’s viewed in a romantic setting it makes me groan or upset

What’s even more frustrating is how people constantly say lava can’t be canon because of it

Im going to go on a side tangent so you can just skip this part as it doesn’t add any actual substance to my argument

But it’s so frustrating to see people say that

Cole and Kai have had a much healthier relationship and would be a lot better for there characters

But no, this stupid misogynistic creepy ship where one side isn’t even consententing to it half the time is the one that has to stay canon because “it’s what the creators intended”

Lava isn’t the superior possibly canon relationship because it’s gay, it’s superior because it’s closer to a healthy working relationship in show then kailor has been ((fanon lava and kailor doesn’t count here because they’re isn’t any better fanon ship, Im just talking about in show))

But no it can’t be canon and it’s unfair for people to want it to be canon because tommy created this rlly shitty straight relationship for Kai instead

TLDR; fuck kailor

Sealab 2021 #43: “Sharko's Machine” | December 5, 2004 – 11:45PM | S04E10

Okay, hear me out. This isn’t GOOD. But, when it comes to Sealab you gotta move the equator between GOOD and BAD or else you’ll be hopelessly lopsided. Like, Sealab’s “good” is many MANY other show’s bad, comparatively. SO please understand that when I say this is a “good one” “for Sealab” please understand that I already know it sounds insane. But when I say stuff like that please know that I am like picturing a pile of trash, trash that you can tell reeks like hell, like it might as well be a pile of turds. But on top of the stinky pile of nasty stuff, there’s a playboy magazine. It doesn’t look particularly soiled, and when you pick it up off the trash it turns out it was laying on top of a piece of cardboard that also happened to not be very dirty, so you have what is basically a nice new playboy, but it’s one of the new playboys where there’s no nudity in them anymore, but still you think “that might be nice to have.” So, you take it home and you leaf through it for about ten minutes and there’s nothing particularly good in there, but you’re not mad about it or anything? That’s what it’s like. It’s almost good trash.

This is a good one for Sealab.

And, it even stars Sharko, an awful character, but that’s the joke, because it’s Sealab. This one breaks formula by having an episode where murders do not happen to everyone. In fact, this one even has a joke where at the end you assume some gruesome thing happened for literally no other reason than this is Sealab, where 90% of the episodes they do are an over-the-top story about every character dying gruesomely. But then you pull out and it’s not what you think, and everything is basically alright. Is it a self-aware commentary on the show itself insofar as to comment on this tendency? Or is do the writers of 7030 believe that this is just what comedy is? “Of course they’ll assume a senseless murder happened here, that’s what happens in comedies”. The mind boggles.

This one has the audacity to do an extended riff on The Electric Horseman, a movie I have actually rented, ripped, and placed on my Plex server to watch later but still haven’t. But I rented it so I could watch it and pretend to like it because it does look cool as hell. The joke in this is kinda bad but I sorta like it.  In it, Tornado Shanks just re-enacts a couple scenes from it and then looks into the camera and says he’ll send 5 dollars American to anyone out there who gets the reference. It too could be seen as a meta commentary on the show’s own propensity for making references that aren’t actually that funny or clever and more gratuitous than anything. But like in the previous case of the gruesome murder fake-out ending, I believe it probably isn’t clever self-aware commentary, but just an extension of the actual wanking that the writers do on this show. But I still took value and meaning from them and aren’t I very smart for doing that?

Anyway, I’m being way too charitable, and I understand this. But I’ve been so run down and disappointed by this awful show, that when they do something that is surprisingly watchable even though it’s still amateurish and unfunny, I have to take note. And this is me doing that.

MAIL BAG

Leave something to the imagination next time. Sheesh.

What are you talking about you fat fucking pig

10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

There are so many different ways to hate. Count them yourself.

I know how difficult it must be for you to overcome all those years of upper middle-class suburban oppression. Must be tough. But the next time you storm the PTA crusading for better... lunch meat, or whatever it is you white girls complain about, ask them WHY they can't buy a book written by a black man!

Another addition to the high school movies based on classic literature. Unlike Easy A, however, this was charming, creative and had us invested. For me it was my first time, but my partner had seen this before and liked it a bit more than prior.

The plot of the film is genuinely engaging, all the characters, and how they get entangled in one anothers’ lives is overall fun to watch unravel. Although, the film did confuse me in who the main character was, it starts with Cameron and you follow him for a good chunk of the movie, but then he accomplishes his goal of getting the girl and is basically sidelined for Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger - leaving other characters to feel insignificant. The set-up of the film has you invested and anxious to see it all blow over at the end. Sadly, when it does all blow over, there’s not much consequence, and that’s one of my least favourite parts of this film - it doesn’t feel impactful to me, but it is still fun journey overall and I would rewatch.

The characters are suprisingly well-written overall and have depth. Kat especially grew on me. She’s very annoying at the start but then you get to know her more and understand why she does what she does, mostly in her introvertedness and protection of her sister.

The movie cleverly presents the classic literature homages, much more subtly than say Easy A. You never hear the title “The Taming of the Shrew”, but instead you are given several Shakespeare references, one of the weirder one’s being Mandella’s romantic love for him. 10 Things I Hate About You coming together by the end in the form of the sonnet, I thought was genius. Also, the several romantic subplots in the film also felt reminiscent of old plays. The sonnet was one of the better sides of the movie’s dialogue which, at other points, felt a bit unnatural and at some points unfunny.

On to the humour, the film is actually funny, it does sometimes fail, but for the most part jokes land. It surprisingly had a good blend of visual and verbal comedy. One stand out moment being the principal writing the erotica and there’s a subtle vertigo effect that stops when she gets writer’s block. The cast is great, and they definitely elevate the humour throughout. 

The score was serviceable and was one of the least interesting parts. The soundtrack was great at times though, with the large scale “Can’t take my eyes off you” being quite fun. The cinematography was cool, as mentioned the vertigo effect worked well. There’s a single take that lasts kinda long at the party and it wasn’t all in your face. 

Overall, it was fun and is probably rewatch. 

K - 7/10        B - 6/10

Match up ♥

Hiya, hon! ♥ I love your match-ups and honestly, I’ve been meaning to request one for a loooong time, but I haven’t had the chance to do so till now cause I’ve been drowning in lots and lots of homework TwT

I’m female, 25 years old, dark chocolate, shoulder-length hair, brown eyes. I’m a small potato 157 cm (5'1 ft) and I’m curvy.

I’m a Gemini, INFP-A. I love and need my alone time, though I enjoy spending time with my friends and loved ones. I use my free time to write fics, read books (Though I haven’t read a book out of sheer pleasure in a long while thanks to college lol,) draw my stickemen and play League of Legends.

Being surrounded by too many people is draining af and it can quickly become overwhelming tbh. I prefer to be surrounded by a couple of calm people and be my yahoo self with them. Even though I’m a mature person, I can be very childish and stubborn at times. I’m the Mom Friend™, a worrywart cause I care, I have a strong personality.  I’m caring, kind, friendly, funny, assertive, strong-willed. I’m usually the one people goes to when they need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. I will stand for my friends without giving it a second thought. I definitely won’t tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear. And due to the way I express myself, people who don’t know me at all tend to find me intimidating which is kinda funny! 😂

When I’m with my friends, I try to come up with jokes or puns to make them laugh. I don’t take myself too seriously…I laugh at my own dumb-ass 😂😂 cause it’s okay to make mistakes, nobody’s perfect after all. And this is probably why it pisses me off when people make fun of my friends. Binch, fite me! So I just go and stand for them as politely and civilized as I possibly can. I’m usually talkative but every once in a while I just feel like isolating for a bit and be there exclusively for myself.

Hmm… I’m corny af and a hopeless romantic, I’m weak for smooth flirts and I like being teased cause I LOVE teasing back. I have a sweet tooth, I love tea. I love eating…in general.

I’m afraid I’m rambling at this point so Imma stop it here 😂

Thank you so much for doing these awesome match ups! ♥ ♥ ♥

Hi, there love! Thanx so much for the kind words, and can I just say I absolutely love your writing!  ♥ ♥ ♥ Hehehe also I feel you with the school work! I hope you enjoy it love, and I hope you have a good day! @venulus

So I match you with………………………. Hideyoshi

So for me honestly it was between Hideyoshi and Mitsunari lol

Classic Hideyoshi did not trust you one bit. The moment you arrived, he saw you as a threat to his lord and was watching you like a hawk. You were quiet, stubborn and assertive and to him, that meant just one thing…. SPY. 

You worked super hard and quickly started adapted to the castle life. Everyone that has worked with you absolutely adored you. Although Hideyoshi was still not buying it. He legit thought that sweet kind friendliness was all an act, to get the people around you to trust you. You kept mostly to yourself in any case, as you found loud people to be overbearing and exhausting, and unfortunately for you that would be most of the castle residents. Although in saying that you had started to form some good friendships among the Oda forces.

One day Nobunaga announced that they were going to war and that you and Mitsunari were to stay behind and guard the castle. You were super happy about that- well not happy that your new friends could die, but happy to get some alone time and not have Hideyoshi continually looking over your shoulder. Plus Mitsunari was one of your close friends so you were super happy he was staying behind with you! 

You honestly never realized just how bad Mitsunari’s habits were until he passed out in front of you one day, while informing you of the state of the war. You knew the warlords cared for him, but you never realized to what extent. Your mama bear instincts instantly kicked in. You semi moved into Hideyoshi manor while he was away, so that it would be easier for you to take care of the resident angel. You made sure he was well-fed, room was clean and he got a decent amount of sleep. Hell, you even helped him work out an eating, training and sleeping schedule which you stuck on his wall to remind him to eat and sleep. After a while Mitsunari fell into a good routine with the schedule and was now almost capable of caring for himself

Mitsunari had one day informed you that the Oda forces had won the war and were now on their way back. The two of you cuties excitingly waited at the gate for your friends to return only for your faces to go from joyful to concerned in 0,2 seconds flat. Hideyoshi was passed out and heavily bandaged. Seem like the idiot went a bit over the top with protecting Nobunaga.

That night as you and Mitsunari gave your reports regarding the castle affairs in his absence, Nobunaga couldn’t help but noticed how healthy and good Mitsunari looked. You told him that you helped him organize his time and made sure that he all the basics were taken care of, i.e. sleeping, training and eating. Nobunaga thought for a moment and then broke out into the biggest grin “I commend you for your work with the castle and Mitusnari fireball, and I now assign you to care for my right-hand man”. You had no complaints, even though Hideyoshi hated you, the inner mom friend in you could never refuse someone in need of assistance.

You moved into Hideyoshi’s manor full time now. While you were there, you cared for both men. You changed Hide’s dressing, cleaned his wounds and made sure that he got plenty of food. Most nights, you would actually sleep in Hideyoshi’s room, caring for his high fevers and low key doing some of the easy paperwork just so that the man wouldn’t be overloaded with work when he was healed. Hideyoshi would shift in and out of consciousness, and boy was he confused to see you sleeping at his writing desk one night. Sometimes when he opened his eyes, he would see you place a cool soothing cloth on his head, other times he would listen to you talk about anything and everything. He would smile a little thinking that your presence in his room was a fever-induced dream.

After a week, his fever finally broke, and the wounds were now slowly, starting to close up and heal. He woke up that morning to you passed out at his writing desk. He had to do a double-take. He thought you caring for him had all been a big dream. He watched your beautiful sleeping face for a moment or two, draped his blankie over your shoulders and went to Nobunaga to receive work. His mind couldn’t help but wander back to you sleeping in his room, how many nights had he woken up to see you there by his side, and then the thoughts got dark, how many time had he accused you of being a spy of calling your kindness an act. HE felt his stomach drop, he honestly needed to make it up to you. But first he needed to check in with Nobunaga.

Nobunaga basically chased him away, saying he would only receive work once you reported that he was completely healthy and ready to come back to work. He walked back to his manor deflated, only to be met with you at the front door “where have you been young man, last time I check you just barely escaped death and are in no state to be walking about”. Hideyshi’s eyes widened he had never been scolded before. You stood there hands on your hips with the biggest frown, eyes filled with worry and concern. It made Hideyoshi’s heart melt that even though he had treated you like an enemy you still cared for him and spent countless days and nights by his side. You led him back to his futon and tucked him in. You brought him lunch and filled him in on everything that had happened since his been unconscious. 

TBH as the days went by Hideyoshi was falling more and more in love with you, he could kick himself for treating you so horribly. And spending countless days with you, gently and sweetly caring for him, makes him realizes more and more what a gigantic fool he was. Yes, you were stubborn and assertive, but you were also the kindest, sweetest, gentlest, friendliest girl in the whole world. 

He made a vow to himself, to make it up to you once he was all better. It took two months, but finally, this boy was back to his full health and absolutely smitten with you and you with him. 

You had come to realize during your time with him what a naturally flirty charmer he truly was, and the mountain of letters he received from women no longer surprised you. Honestly his smooth flirting even had your knees going weak. You had come to enjoy the light teasing and banter the two of you engaged in as you cared for him. He loved that you weren’t afraid to give him the hard solid facts and be a friendly shoulder for him to cry on, especially during times when he felt so weak and worthless for being injured and unable to serve his lord. You would tell him what he needed to hear, not what he wanted to hear. 

The time had finally come that you had to move out of his manor and back into the palace, and TBH Hideyoshi was actually a little sad. He was definitely going to miss your vibrant energy, and hours and hours spent together, talking each other’s ears off. 

Now that he was healed it was time to make up for the ill way he treated you in the past, and low key thank you for taking such good care of him. He would take you out for tea every moment he could get. He knew you had a sweet tooth like Nobunaga, so he would ensure that there was always something delicious to eat at the little tea date the two of you went on. You of course never complained cause the three things you loved most in the world would be right infornt of you, tea, sweet and Hideyoshi. 

You discovered that Hideyoshi actually had a hilarious sense of humour. The two of you would laugh and tease each other all throughout the dates. Ooh boy, did he love your puns and honestly you couldn’t help but laugh at his hilariously unfunny dad jokes.

Hideyoshi is very much like you, a hopeless romantic, so during his free time, he is always planning some or other fun activity for the two of you to do. Whether it’s holding your hand as the two of you, stroll on the beach or taking you up a mountain to watch the sunset together. He has always got something cute up his sleeve 

Your favourite moment was one day when the two of you were out for tea, the sky started getting dark. The two of you were having such a good time you didn’t even notice it was about to rain. As the two of you were walking back to the castle the cloud burst and the light drizzle turned into a full-blown downpour. Even though you were super mature, you did have your childish moments. You looked up at Hideyoshi with the biggest grin on your face and started dancing in the rain, while he took cover at a nearby shop. With outstretched arms, you started twirling in the rain and splashing in the puddle “Hey you’re going to catch a cold”, at that you simply took Hideyoshi’s hand in yours and dragged him into the rain to dance with you. He shook his head at you, but couldn’t help but dance along with you. 

You stared up into his amber eyes, and this was when Hideyoshi decided to make his feeling for you known. He cupped your wet cheeks in his warm hands and leaned down to capture your lips in a kiss. 

After he pulled away and saw your sunshine smile, he picked you up and twired you around in the rain. He was so happy. The two of you played in the rain together without a care in the world until sunset.

Hideyoshi staying true to his doting self, of course, ran the two of you a warm bubble bath to fight off the chill from spending the afternoon in the rain. He pampered you from the moment you walked into his manor door. After your relaxing bath, he dried your hair and gave you a foot massage followed by a cheesy candlelit dinner for the two of you. He had been waiting so long to confess his feeling for you that he couldn’t help but want to pamper the shit out of his love

This man definitely respected your alone time and knew that everyone needed some time to themselves every now and then. 

He loved it when you worked in his room and kept him company as he worked. Hideyoshi is definitely the type to drop a few kisses on your forehead, cheek and lips whenever the two of you bump into each other in the hallway. 

He loves to spoil you any chance he can get. The two of you honestly turn into the castle mom and dad caring for everyone in the castle. Often the two of you cuties can be found nestled in each other’s arms or sharing sweets at your favourite tea house.

Other potential matches……… Mitsunari 

 I hope you liked it, dear! <3<3

headcanons for hws russia

long post, kinda depressing, bring snacks

-miss me with chubby-cute uwu woobie!twink!russia, dude’s built like an old-timey strongman.  just a solid wall of muscle & fat that looks like he could win a fistfight with a tank.  you look at him and go “that is a man who i would know is in the room instinctively”

-but you don’t.  he’s so frickin quiet & light on his feet.  you never know he’s there until he startles you or you get that tingling creeping feeling of something watching you and he’s RIGHT behind you

-he knows this.  he likes this.

-the way he talks either irritates people or makes them want to laugh; he’s so huge and gives off such an intimidating vibe but he talks like a mumbly old grandma, barely loud enough to hear and everything is -yusha and -yushenka and so saccharine sweet it makes you gag

-he’s mocking you with it

-despite the cutesy-ness he’s super blunt and will tell you to your face what he thinks about you, and not in flattering terms, but still dressed up in what should be terms of affection.  it’s kind of upsetting

-about the only time he talks honestly is when he’s too drunk to keep up the facade which isn’t easy to get to, he’s got to be a special sort of depressed and also have enough vodka, which also isn’t easy to get.  he’s still mumbly but it’s much more “god i hate this i hate you i hate myself fuck”

-that sappy little smile he does is only for the westerners during their meetings

-he’s mocking them with it

-the people at home know his face better with just absolutely no emotion, like he’s already decided you’re not worth his time.  the sweetie babushka voice with the cold dead eyes is not an endearing look

-the only thing he really fears, and the only people he ever shows respect for, are the people who have power over him.  he wasn’t like that as a child but after long enough, everything had been beaten out of him except “don’t fuck up when the boss gives you orders.”  he hates anyone having power over him & does everything to make sure there’s only a few people who do, but he also sees it as the natural order of the world--predators eat prey, big countries rule smaller countries, strong people rule weak people, bosses rule Nations.  he overthrew his czar and was communist and they were all supposed to be equal and it still turned out like that, so it must be true.

-he was never the kind to just roll over and accept someone else as leader if they couldn’t prove themselves, he was always pretty self-sufficient and able to survive in a harsh environment.  but as a child he was a lot more friendly and open--even if he also had such poor social skills that it usually came across as creepy.  nowadays he’s so dissociated from that part of himself he couldn’t tell you if he really felt lonely or any sort of sympathy at all.

-he is actually super lonely, it’s just not in a way he can think about.  he’s got this drive to be around people, wants to keep them near him, but doesn’t connect it to the idea he wants companionship (not a euphemism).  and because he doesn’t feel positive emotions or respect for others and thinks in terms of strong-controlling-weak, he instead tries to force people to stay with him and punish them for disobeying him.  he likes to live in close proximity to his neighboring Nations or to visit often, whether he’s welcome or not.

-he doesn’t generally get along well with humans.  with his bosses, he defers to them and then tries mostly to stay out of their way.  with his citizens nowadays he might share a drink or a cigarette but he doesn’t stick around or try to get to know them personally; he claims it’s because he doesn’t care about short-lived little humans but it’s at least partially because he can’t relate to human lives and wants and fears and dreams and he finds it easier to avoid them than to think about it.  with most other countries’ citizens he feels like they have nothing in common so he doesn’t bother.  he’s usually spending time with former eastern block Nations and has a bad habit of falling back into the same patterns of behavior he had back then.

-when he does get attached to someone, human (mostly in the past) or Nation, it’s an overattachment. he can’t leave them alone because they’re all he thinks about and the focus of all the emotions that well up when he’s finally found a ~friend~ and he’ll usually end up scaring them away with how intense and obsessive he is, which to him just proves that he shouldn’t get attached in the first place.

-he’s vaguely aware that he’s doing it “wrong” but doesn’t know how to fix it.  with humans he eventually just decided it’s not worth trying to have a good relationship, they just die in a few years anyway.  with Nations he generally feels like ‘if you think i’m the bad guy, fine then, i’m the bad guy’ and either becomes overbearing and manipulative to keep them with him or throws them out before they can reject him.

-he’s got a way of thinking that isn’t stupid but is so straightforward it misses a lot.  if you can build him a jet engine in 5 hours, then if he makes you work 100 hours straight, you should’ve built him 20 perfect jet engines.  on the one hand, it cuts through a lot of bullshit (”we need to stop this tank.”  “but we have no antitank guns!”  “then we will hit it with what we do have.”)  on the other hand he’s not good at understanding nuance or fixing something that’s not exactly broken but could be a lot better.

-he’s not all big-picture, though--actually he can get lost in details.  it’s a control thing, partially.  if he knows exactly what he’s got and what you’ve got and where you are and what you’re doing and saying and thinking, he won’t be surprised by what comes next (or, so he hopes. somehow things always get worse).

-partially, though, and not a small part, it’s what’s left of the person he was originally, that he would’ve been with a different history.  he used to love studying snowflakes and constellations, painting the delicate designs you see on matryoshkas and folk art like lace or flowers or geometric patterns, even computer coding--especially when it took hours & a whole room of processors to run something simple, he loved creating the most complex and exact programs just as a way to test his skills (aka for fun, but don’t call it that in soviet russia).  all the stuff that to an untrained eye either looks like a mess or is so fiddly you wouldn’t know where to start.  he loves when a thousand tiny pieces all come together into a perfect unified whole.  it got trained into him over the centuries that anything enjoyable is a waste of time though, so he rarely bothers anymore unless he’s got another reason for it.

-he’s blunt and bad at nuance but he does have a sense of humor.  it’s just not usually a nice one.  he likes tricking people, making them mad while he stands there calmly--especially if it makes them do something stupid, saying things that go back and forth between being threatening and “why are you so scared? i just meant (something innocent)” especially with really dark jokes that don’t sound like jokes so much as what he plans to do to his enemies, basically anything that puts him in control of the situation.

-if the joke backfires on him you can bet the people around him get out of his way real quick; he’s not someone you can safely laugh at whether he deserves it or not

-sometimes he laughs at really stupid so-unfunny-it’s-funny jokes, nerd humor, cat memes and bad puns but he’ll never admit it

-he’s good at getting by on almost nothing, to the point where he almost enjoys it.  his car isn’t one car, it’s a frankenstein’s monster of half a dozen different cars’ parts patched together into a moving vehicle.  he can survive on sunflower seeds, vodka, cigarettes and spite, and the first three of those are really only creature comforts.  he once stayed awake for a solid month to keep working and he says that like it’s something to brag about.  it’s control, again--if you can’t make his life any worse by taking away what he’s got, you don’t control him.  he’s got nothing and his life can’t get any worse.  he wins.

-basically he needs therapy but he’ll never get therapy

hi could I get a Ben hardy hc. something about reader being nervous and not sure about dating Ben bc he dated his ex for 9 years. like how long would Ben wait before trying a relationship again. that kinda stuff. please and thank u!!

(A/N; More Ben! Lovely! I’m gonna say for this HC that it’s been only a few months, at first, but when you get into reading it it’s been longer as it goes! xx)

You were hanging out with your friend Rami one day when he got called into set, they all did. It wasn’t for anything big, just to clear some things up, so he brought you along

He also wanted you to meet his friends

“I hope you’re not replacing me.” You told him at one point when all he did was talk about them

You’ve meet Lucy and heard so much about the others and you were dying to meet them

“Lucy.” You hugged her tightly and kissed her cheek

“Y/N this is Joe, Ben and Gwil.”

“Nice to meet you all.”

“Likewise, we’ve heard a lot about you.” You started to blush

“Same, I hope it was all good.”

“I made you seem like an angel.” Rami informed you

“You didn’t have to lie.” You joked to him

All when you were there you and Ben made kind of flirty remarks to each other

And of course you had heard of him because of his huge breakup and you’ve seen him in a few things but it felt different to actually talk to him

“I’m gonna hold you to that promise.”

“Or else what?”

“I’d make a threat that sounded like a promise.”

“You seem to do that anyway.”

And EVERYONE saw it

When you were in the car on the way back to his place Rami spoke up

“I can give him your number you know?”

“Who’s? Joe’s? He’s quite the-“

“Ben’s.” He stopped you. You felt your face heat up.” You two seemed like you fit perfectly. You should ask him out.”

“Didn’t you just tell me he got out of an almost 10 year relationship like five months ago?”

“Yes but it can be casual.”

“I’m not about to be a rebound Rami. Plus it would never work. Now can we stop talk about it and get inside to eat pizza rolls?”

And you left it at that

Or thought you did

The next morning you had found out that Rami invited everyone over. This was to get Ben here and not make it seem weird. And you were so embarrassed

“Hi.” Was all you said as you saw them in your kitchen. You were wearing sweatpants, no makeup, had messy hair and no bra on

“Y/N join us!” Lucy said with open arms. You walked over to her and sat between her legs as her arms wrapped around your waist

“Taking my girlfriend?” Rami questioned you

“We’re in love.”

“Gonna move to Australia.”

“And get married.”

“Then buy a house.”

“Then have crazy good sex in every room.”

“I quite like that idea actually.” You tell her.” Okay I’m gonna go get dressed.”

“Why?” Rami asked you, you wanted to slap him.” We don’t plan on going anywhere.” He smirked at you

“Please darling you look fine.” Gwil told you.” Orange juice or coffee?”

“Coffee please and Ben move before you burn down my kitchen.” Your hips hit the wide to his to move him over.” What the hell did you try to make?”

“I think it was an omelet.” You rolled your eyes and got out everything you’d need to make a good one

The others say in the living room as you and Ben cooked in the kitchen

They heard laughs coming from in there and when you two were done there was egg, cheese, ham, avocado, peppers and much more everywhere

“You’re cleaning this up.” You told him as you looked around

“Gonna be worth it after this.” He then threw an egg at what you thought was gonna be you but it hit Joe instead. You both bursted out laughing and almost cried from how hard you laughed

By the end of the night it was you, Ben and Rami left

At some point Rami snuck off to bed leaving you alone with Ben to watch the movie

“Oh my god I can’t look.” He laughed as you turned away your head putting it to the back of his shoulder

“Nothing’s gonna happen.”

“I hear the music!” You both laughed after you heard the music go high and you jumped.” It wasn’t funny.”

“Kind of was.” And then you were looking at Ben. His smile light and his eyes bright, with his head slightly tilted. You forgot what was even happening

You didn’t realize it until you both kissed. It was very soft and nice. It was almost perfect. Until you remembered his break up that was very recently.

“I’m sorry.” You said pulling away from him.” It’s a me thing. I know about your old girlfriend and I’m not sure I want to put myself in a place where you might still have feelings.” You told him.” I’m gonna go.”

You felt a little bad because you liked him but you didn’t want him to not be ready

You were a little sad over it but didn’t want to dread on it

About a month later Rami still wouldn’t leave you alone about it and you two ended up seeing each other again at a party

You were worried about seeing him again because of how things ended up last time

But you both acted like nothing happened and you had a really good time

Up until you got super drunk and Ben had to take you home 

“You’re not ugly or unfunny or something by the way.”

“Thank you?”

“No really! I like you Ben, I spent two days with you and you were so sweet and good, but a relationship that long takes time to get over.”

“Go on a date with me then, but agree when you’re sober would be nice.”

“Remind me tomorrow morning then.”

And he did, and you said yes

You did had dinner and talked all night long

He seemed like he was having a good time and you totally were

It took other two months to ask you out but you both wanted to be sure

And it had never been better

You two went slow of course

Dates, talking, not telling anyone. Even Rami

But after six months of pure dating you two went full speed

Going to the Golden Globes

Posting Pictures

Going out when ever you could 

You even talked about an apartment in London together

Fights would happen over the old relationship(s) but they happened and they get fixed

It was also a shock that after the Globes, Only seven months in, he told you he loved you

It was big after such a long time with someone else

“I love you too but I feel like you’re a little too drunk right now.”

“I love you when I’m sober.”

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe

Warnings: Canon-typical mental health issues, unhealthy coping mechanisms [there’s a hopeful ending to this mess, though].

.

Inch by inch.

Inch by ragged inch, Tony Stark clawed himself back to some semblance of normalcy. 

Or, well, tried to, anyway.

Fought hard against the monster, the ragged, yawning void that thrummed under his skin— with nothing but his AI and sheer willpower.

He’d been tempted to turn to the alcohol— but he refused to become Howard, [if only out of spite] so that was right out. 

Inch by inch. 

Tony spent more time in his private labs than he did with people, nowadays. It was probably unhealthy, but then again nobody noticed so the point was probably moot.

Just— buried himself in a safe cocoon of metal and numbers and let loose, trusting JARVIS to watch his back the way very few humans had proven to be capable of doing [the few times he’d tried—never mind]. Finally lowered his guard, and went over the cracks with duct tape and JARVIS’ snark and coffee and gentle amusement at Butterfinger’s antics. It wasn’t healthy. But it was the best he could do.

Inch by inch.

Last time he’d been reforged, it’d been in a nameless cave in Afghanistan. For some reason, though, that time had felt simpler than now, when he was trying to put the shattered pieces of his life back together in the comfort of his own home.

But he did it. He cut himself sometimes, on the more jagged fragments, and it was the single most uphill battle he’d ever fought— but he pulled through. When he finally emerged from his haven, he was closer to an even keel than ever before.

Nobody noticed.

For the longest time, and sometimes Tony didn’t know if he felt proud that he’d managed to hide it so well, or resentful of the fact that some people seemed to think he was just being melodramatic when he’d been drowning— but it didn’t matter in the long run, now, did it? 

.

...Except for when it did, apparently.

The Avengers had been getting to know the newer members of the team, what with the potential for roster changes— and nobody’s quite sure who brings it up. The PTSD thing, that is.

Sam Wilson’s demeanor is very open, very willing to listen. Kicker is, that’s the thing that raises Tony’s defenses; he would’ve been more amenable to talking about some of his experiences in another setting, but Wilson’s ability to turn the conversation into emotions when they’d been sharing a laugh over a drink about the last battle that has him clamming up.

The others noticed, too. Some of them needled him, probably thinking he was like his old man, all ‘Stark men are made of iron’ and ‘mental illness? Bah, you’re just weak’ bullshit Howard liked to spew as he poured out another few fingers of whiskey into his glass. So Tony just shrugged it off.

And he keeps shrugging it off, until Sam waits until the rest of the team’s headed off to do their own thing, and with a knowing yet understanding gaze, asked, “When’s the last time you got help?”

In retrospect, it wasn’t funny. Even if it was hilarious at the time, and Tony hadn’t been able to help but laugh so hard he’d had to put his drink down to avoid making a carbonated mess. 

“You use humor as a coping mechanism, even if the others can’t tell. I can respect that.” Sam continued, and Tony was probably going to run out of air, he was laughing so hard. [And if he was maybe tearing up, so what? No one’d be able to tell if it was because he was laughing or crying.]

“Oh, man.” Tony finally managed, after a few minutes. Sam was kind enough to ignore his quietly wiping his eyes. “Sorry, but you have no idea.”

Then again, maybe he did— that sympathetic smile certainly had Tony leaning that way, anyway.

“But really, when’s the last time you’ve talked to someone about it? Any of it?”

Tony knew it was incredibly unfunny, but he couldn’t help but crack up again anyway at Sam’s face when he finally let someone else in on the joke. “Try ‘sometime before Afghanistan’, and that’s a very rough ballpark. Things only really went to hell a few months back, though.”

“No one?”

“Does JARVIS count?” Tony asked, and fought to keep a straight face at Sam’s look of horror. 

“No offense, JARVIS,” Sam said as he pinched the bridge of his nose, “but no, Tony, your AI doesn’t count. What about the others? Didn’t you mention this Rhodes guy? How about Pepper?”

Tony shrugged. “Rhodey’s got a busy life, I’m not about to burden him with more bullshit than what he already has to deal with. Pepper’s the same way, only she also had her own issues what with the Extremis fiasco a while back, and Happy was hospitalized because of it. Either way, don't worry about it, I’m fine.”

Sam’s cool was slowly being chipped away, now, and Tony cast about for a way to bring the humor back because no one deserved to be stressed out over old news. “Sorry, man. You’re just looking at a rich kid with out-of-this-world problems.”

Apparently, though, Sam wasn’t having it. Especially since his expression steadily grew less and less amused, as he came to a conclusion that Tony could only scratch his head at. “So what I’m hearing is, you never received treatment for your textbook case of PTSD.”

“Oh, is that what it was?” Tony blinked, and Sam threw his hands up with a groan. 

“And here I thought the rest of the team had issues. Okay, you now what? That’s it, next time I’m headed to the VA, you’re invited. Don’t know how that’ll look like, but you are.”

Tony couldn’t help but scoff, at that. “C’mon, those are for the people who actually need the help. A) I’m a civilian who’s closest thing to a combat zone was...well, you know, and B) I’m fine. Besides, I can afford it even if I did need it.”

Sam leveled him an unusually serious look, before burying his face with his hands, letting out a distressed groan. “How has nobody noticed it before?”

Tony shrugged, and started to reach for his drink again. “You’re the one who said it, not me.”

“I’m not qualified, yet— seriously, how? Does everyone just take your sense of humor at face value?”

Tony aimed fingerguns at him with a only slightly bitter smirk. “Got it in one. Besides— you gotta admit, it’s kinda funny. Like that one time I got shrapnel from a missile that literally had my name on it, you cannot beat the irony of that.”

Sam took a deep breath, and his answering smile was only slightly pained as he shook his head once more. “Again, please come with next time. You’d fit right in, I swear— Forrest has your same exact sense of humor, it’d be great.”

Tony paused for a moment, and his smile faded for the first time since Sam had broached the subject. It felt...disrespectful, to even think about comparing his experiences with those of actual veterans, but...if Sam was really insisting on it so much...

“I’ll think about it.” Tony finally said.

It couldn’t be that bad, could it? 

the n-word is funny for the same reason that it's funny to make fun of anyone who takes themselves way too seriously; it's "just" a word and the violent reactions it gets are inherently funny from a for-the-lulz perspective. i think that there's actually remarkably little racism in the hearts of internet n-word sayers, and while there's definitely never a situation where the n-word should be said in earnest, the ones clutching pearls will continue to hear it so long as they complain about it.

you know.

this reminds me

There’s someone who, or rather a group of people who i recently knew rather intimately. I still know them, but at an arms length distance. Because I felt they were irreverent in the way that they consciously wrapped some challenging philosophy into why they want to throw about slurs and make light of such conventions as “you can’t say x, y or z” in the same way that say, existentialists laugh in the face of moral codes or marxists like Zizek would insist that by embracing people and reducing prudish layers of separation from them, you can finally engage with them as equals. IE You croatians are (etc etc) and us slovenians are (etc etc) ha ha lets now embrace each other as brothers.

Fact is, I found that’s not the case, generally speaking. People who express it the way you have, indicate that they don’t think of it at such level. That in doing so, you also leave yourself open and vulnerable the same way you demand of minorities. To demand they allow you freedom in bullshitting about stereotypes or historically charged insults. People who would throw around say, trap or tranny or troon or whatever, words i find genuinely hilarious, like around me. I would also throw these around in self-deprecation because it’s genuinely hilarious to me in participating and kinda coming to a point of imagined understanding and security with others that i can be so candid and take jokes and dish jokes like that, it brings us closer in my mind and removes a sort of anxiety or apprehension in being truly open with someone.

But then I started making jokes about straight people around them the way i banter with other queers. They were genuinely aggrieved. In one case, in person with one, i was punched in the shoulder for it because i was “straight hating” for calling two burning-manesque statues of a man and a woman holding hands particularly lame. I was told to not do that because it’s “mean”. My perspective on this matter changed immediately, in being made aware that im thinking highly of people, projecting a higher level of awareness onto them, who otherwise see me little more than a prop and the Cool Minority who lets them throw around loaded language but can’t take a lick of it themselves once the punchline is them. Walking punchlines who can’t take a lick of being considered lame by relation.

These same people threw around racial slurs. The person who punched me told me stories of shouting “i hate niggers” with their friends in public for laffs. It’s a one way street of self-serving convenience and not “for the lulz.”

Or rather, it’s certainly for the lulz, but it really just reveals how woefully dull and unempathetic, selfish and unworthy of respect you are, among other things like, being racist of course, as you (should) know, racism is not solely the genuine hatred of someone but the manifestation of behaviours and activities that actively oppress someone by conditionment. You may not mean hatred, but the person hearing it would not be able to discern that. It would have the same chilling effect no matter what. It would be an overt encounter with someone expressing how low they think of you the way EVEN MORE TIMES you feel they treat you. And that’s really it. It’s the reminder of being hung, lynched, shot by cops, and the whole gamut of shit you simply don’t experience enough to feel the soul crushing weight of it. Most of all, its the sinking feeling of “oh” when you realize you are reminded you are frequently and will forever be treated as beneath other people. It’s like chinese water drop torture, because this is not something you rarely encounter, but rather regularly to a point where it shapes and interrupts your life.

>i think that there’s actually remarkably little racism in the hearts of internet n-word sayers

Right, because there is little in their brains besides the libidinal thrill of saying slurs in private or public because it’s edgy and cOoL. Say something outrageously banal at THEIR expense like they are lame unfunny straight white normies with shitty food and they act wounded about it and longpost about hungarian cuisine or some dumb shit. It’s patently ridiculous that you convince yourselves that you aren’t the ones clutching pearls when you frequently do shit like that. There is absolutely nothing at stake for you not saying it, other than facing shame or guilt for doing it.

>while there’s definitely never a situation where the n-word should be said in earnest

Words don’t just rattle out of your mouth, you conjugate them into a phrase and express them with an intent to communicate them. What it shows is how earnestly you feel very little of the people you disparage. The lack of critical thought behind it. The dumb lizard brained want of not ever being challenged or slapped for it.

If you are going to say racial slurs, that’s your responsibility. You are a racist for slinging them, as well as a coward for not owning that. You don’t get to wash your hands of it, and it speaks loudly to all, the depth of your character, or rather, the decorative veneer of what amounts to a character.

Even if you say it in private, you are still racist. Why you bother trying to convince others you aren’t when you clearly just want to be racist without consequence? And that’s literally it. There’s no motive or desire around it besides that. You just don’t want to be yelled at for it. It’s literally juvenile.Regardless of what you decide to do, I will be able to see right through you if you make arguments like this. You want minorities to tolerate being called slurs but can’t handle being considered racist for it. Go figure.

arghng sorry for multiple asks I am addicted; can I request a short thing with ut!sans's future s/o or crush realizing sans loves her (show me the heart eyes) thanks you are both great people+

(Shhhh don’t be sorry we love your asks -Mod Kasha)Sans was drunk. Sans didn't usually getdrunk.  He was the responsible one.  The mom friend.  He was the one who sat there with a bottle ofketchup and a large basket of fries and watched you try (in vain) to out-drinkUndyne, the one who put his arm around you and helped you walk outsideafterwards, the eternal designated driver. But today, incredibly, possibly because it was just the twoof you out on a Friday night together and you planned on walking back to hisplace together for a sleepover, Sans was a little bit, convincingly, undeniablydrunk. Maybe you were a bit of a bad influence on him, because itall started when you offered him a sip of your drink, and you had a really damngood drink.  He ordered one forhimself.  He ordered another one for himself,then decided to try another, different drink on the menu that seemed similarbut a bit more fruity.  And he seemedlike he was having fun, so who were you to stop him?He still seemed like he was having fun, even now as you had decided to step inand prevent him from ordering any more drinks. And you know what?  You werehaving fun, too.  You weren't completelyhammered or anything, but you felt slightly, pleasantly hazy.  Just enough to lower your inhibitions alittle, but not enough to give you a hangover. "Alright.  Twotruths and a lie.  Your turn," youannounced, feeling the need to do something other than listen to him rattle offincreasingly unfunny and non-sensical puns.  It was a little game you hadn't playedtogether in awhile, because after passing the time with it occasionally in yourearly friendship to try and get to know each other better, it didn't take youlong to realize two things about Sans. One, he had an impressive poker face.  You wondered if you should be concerned thathe was such a good liar.  You guessed hislie a statistically insignificant portion of the time. And two, he was good at reading people.  Stupidly good at it.  He was a living lie detector, always callingyou out either with logic ("if you really used to have a fat cat namedBurger, then why have I never see him in the many cat pictures you've proudlyshown me?") or just by saying that he could see it in your expression. You wondered if either capability was still fullyfunctioning in his current condition. "hehehe.  ok, ok,ok.  let's see, um."  He rested his chin in his hand and gazed atyou, in an obvious and unsuccessful attempt to put on his usual pokerface.  "...  y'know, the longer we're friends, the harderit gets to trick ya'.  feels like youknow everything about me at this point." "Really?" You grinned at him and leaned across thetable a little.  "That's how I feelaround you all the time.  Like you can read my mind." "nah...  yourface.  i stare at your face.  i mean i read it.  your face."  Sans tugged at the gray fluff of his hoodie,suddenly averting his gaze from yours. "so, um.  two truths and alie.  right.  uh... i'm left-handed."Easy.  That was definitely true.  He used his left hand for everything. "i, uh... hm.  when i have bad dreams, itext you to make myself feel better." Cute.  And true. "and i've never had a crush on anyone.  'cause i'm stone cold like that." It was no secret that Sans was aromantic and asexual, asmuch as that crushed your hopes of ever being in a relationship with him, so, alsotrue. ...  Wait.  What? That made three truths.  You werecertain of it.  You went back over hisresponses in your head, as if stumped on a test question with no "none ofthe above" option.  You checked offyour reasoning one by one, all while staring at him suspiciously. He'd been eating and drinking with his left hand all night,and you vividly remembered him always doing so. Check. He'd told you about texting you when he had bad dreams, andhe still did it sometimes, although much less frequently than before.  You had his message alert set louder thananybody else's for just that reason. Check. He never had a crush on anybody...  Come to think of it, he'd never actuallystated that as a fact.  Things like thatjust didn't seem to be a part of his life, so maybe, all this time, you'd justgone and assumed...  And besides, youknew that sexuality and romanticism could be fluid.  Maybe he'd simply developed feelings forsomebody very recently."...  You're lying about the crush,aren't you?" Sans let out a giggle, a precious noise you seldom got tohear from him, and covered his face with his hands.  "fuck. is it that obvious?  i'm so dumb,why did i make that my lie?" "Get outta town. You've had a crush?"  Youwere glad his face-reading systems seemed to be down at the moment, becausethere was no disguising the pang of jealousy you felt.  Who the hell could be so lucky as to haveSans crushing on them?  He was the mostgenuinely good guy you could think of. "Who?" He kept his face covered and shook his head.  "nah.""C'mon.  I'm your best friend." "i know!  iknow.  look, i'm drunk, but i'm not drunkenough to spill those beans, ok?" "Awwwh.  Well,okay.  I won't push you."  You had to admit, though.  It stung a little more to know that hewouldn't tell you. He went on as if he barely even heard you, his voice muffledin his hands.  "i mean, it was thetruth for awhile.  and then a littlewhile ago i stopped to think about why i, uh, felt differently about this one personthan i did about anyone else i'd ever met. and it got...  really foggy,because we were becoming friends at the same time?  so i was confused.  kinda like... have i just never had a friend this close to my heart, or is theresomething more to it?  kinda like is itnormal to feel your soul melt in your chest every time your friend laughs atone of your jokes that you know wasn't even good.  and it just kinda hits you that they'relaughing because they like you enough to think you're funny even though you'renot.  they like you enough to think thatyou're good even though you're not.  andthen you're lying awake all night while they're texting you into the earlyhours of the morning and all you can think about is how much they mean to youand how amazing they make you feel.  andyou've never had drugs before but you're pretty sure this is what they feellike?" "That's..." You glanced away, then back at him. "Um.  Really specific,Sans.  But.  You arefunny!  And you are good.  I'm not trying tosay that this friend of yours doesn't like you, but don't sell yourselfshort." "ayyy, who you callin' short?" You chuckled, but continued sincerely.  "You're a good person.  Think about all the things I know aboutyou.  All the things I imagine you mightstill feel guilty for."  He sunk inhis seat a little.  You weren't surewhether he was still grinning behind his hands, or if he might be closer tocrying at this point.  But you couldn'tstop yourself.  The Sans praise train hadno brakes.  "I might not knoweverything, but I know enough to say that I know you as a person.  And I can tell you this: You.  Are.  Agood person.  I'd trust you with mylife.  And you know that means alot.  Trust doesn't come easy withme." His voice came out strained and a bit broken.  "you believe in me so much... " Of all the types of drunks you'd imagined Sans might be, anemotional one was not at the top of the list. That was where sleepy drunk and hungry drunk were hanging out.  Emotional drunk was down at the bottom alongsidehyper drunk and flirty drunk.  Still,unexpected did not equal unnerving.  Youput your hands over his to comfort him. "Awh, geez.  Ididn't mean to make you cry!  I'm sosorry.  I owe you the ice cream it'sgonna take you to cheer up from this.  Holdon.  I'll be right back."  You had to go order it at the counter."a'ight.  don't take too long.  i'll miss you when you're gone, kid." "Oh, don't be dramatic."  You left the table with a smile and heard himlet out...  either a huff or a sighbehind you. You didn't notice until you were at the counter, debatingwhether to get him a scoop of strawberry or chocolate, that you felt likesomebody was staring at you.  You glancedto your left, then to your right, expecting to catch a hostile glare in yourdirection.  It wouldn't be the first timesome bigot saw you and Sans together and either assumed something about yourrelationship or just plain didn't like the idea of you two even being friends.  But everybody was minding their ownbusiness.  Some girl who looked like shewas ten times more confident than you could ever be caught your eye and smiledat you.  You looked away quickly.  Nope. It wasn't until you turned a full 180 degrees that yourealized it was just Sans making intense eye contact with the back of yourhead.  He no longer had his face hiddenin his hands.  He was hunched over thetable with his chin resting on his folded arms, like he couldn't even sit upstraight.  But what struck you the mostabout him was his eyes. Because in place of the usual lily-white circles of hispupils, there were now very distinct heart shapes. ... He was giving you literal heart eyes?  Was he really making those heart eyes atyou?  You wiggled your fingers at him inan uncertain gesture of greeting as a test. He responded quickly by shutting his eyes and waving back at you.  The blush on his cheeks was visible fromacross the room.  And even your closedoff, pessimistic attitude wasn't strong enough to turn you from the truth thathad been right before your eyes the entire time.  God, how could you have been so dense?  Who the hell else could Sans have beentalking about when he mentioned becoming friends over the past few months?  Why the hell else wouldn't he have even beenable to give you the name of his crush, when he'd told you so much more deepsecrets than something silly like that? Sans had a crush on you. No baby animal video in the world could ever strike you ascuter than that.  You were sure yourwhole face lit up for seemingly no reason. You felt like squealing.  Thecashier had to tap you on the shoulder to get you to turn back around andexchange your money for the chocolate ice cream you'd decided on (because,while he usually preferred strawberry, Sans had had enough fruit in his drinksthat evening). You raced back over to the table, almost tripping anddropping his ice cream in your haste. Luckily, you and the ice cream survived, and you were able to successfullydeliver it to him.  "Hey!  What happened to the heart eyes!  Bring 'em back!""what happened to the what now." "I saw that! Dude I didn't know your pupils could change shapes, that's freakinginsane!"  You slid into your seatacross from him.  Smoothly.  "How on earth do you get your pupils tochange into heart shapes?" He pulled his hood over his head.  "i was looking at the ice cream don'tjudge me." "Were you blushing and waving at the ice cream,too?" "... yyyyyes." You smiled at him, unable to contain your joy andamusement.  You put your hands over wherehis were so tightly clasping his hood, and gently moved it back down to itsusual resting spot on his shoulders.  Helet you do it.  "Hey.  Don't sweat it.  I really, really like you, too." "y...  youdo?" "Yeah.  It's justlike you said.  It was weird for awhile becauseI was becoming friends with you and developing feelings for you at the sametime, but...  shit, man.  Is this isn't the biggest crush of my life,then I don't know what is." "oh thank god. when you grilled me about the heart eyes i thought i was actually aboutto die right here and faceplant in my ice cream cone." "Hehe!  Dramaking."  Your smiled widened a bit asyou moved your hands from the hood of his jacket to his cheeks.  "... So...  shit, man.  Are we doing this?" "yes!" he said, a little too loudly and a littletoo eagerly.  He made a visible effort tocontrol himself.  "i mean, if youwant to?""Absolutely."  Your eyesglimmered with amusement.  "But I'mnot gonna kiss you 'till you're sober, sport." "...  fuck,"he groaned, his head rolling back. "can't believe i got hammered on our first date.  see what you're getting into agreeing to dateme?" "Mulligan!" He tilted his head back down to look at you with an adoringgrin, and yes, his pupils in obvious heart shapes, too.  "what am i gonna do with you?" "I think the better question is what you would ever dowithout me," you quipped.  He sighedand nuzzled against the palm of your hand, then turned his head a little andseemed to kiss it with his teeth. "i would go to the ends of the earth to find ya'.  that's what i'd do."

Top 5 Best and Worst Movies of 2017

Wow, this list was hard to write. Not because I didn’t have enough material, not at all. If anything, I struggled to find films to put on the worst list. Some of the films on the worst side of the list I actually enjoyed, because this year has given us so many fantastic movies. It’s been the best year for films in a long time. In fact, this year has been so good, I’m starting with some Honourable Mentions. Because I can. Honourable Mentions (in no particular order): Power Rangers Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie Logan Lucky The Hitman’s Assassin Baby Driver (newfound casting awkwardness aside) Wonder Woman (wow, how did I not have enough space on this list for Wonder Woman?)

And now, on to the good (and bad) stuff:

5th Best: The LEGO Batman Movie

After saving Gotham again, Batman finds himself struggling to find a purpose in life, when he accidentally adopts a child, and finds himself dealing with that, while trying to stop villains from taking over the world again. It’s hilarious. Get ready to read that a lot on this list, because half of my favourite movies of the year were at least partially comedies, but I really can’t say that much about the movie beyond that it’s full of jokes, and a vast majority of them work. You’ll end up laughing your way through it, which is the best way to watch a silly movie like this. And hey, if you miss half the jokes, that just gives you an excuse to watch it again.

5th Worst: Baywatch

The members of Baywatch have to accept some new recruits into their ranks that stir things up, while dealing with a local new drug ring. I wanted to enjoy this movie, because when it’s being funny, it’s pretty damn funny, and Dwayne Johnson doesn’t know how not to be entertaining. But I just couldn’t because it wasn’t funny often enough, and when it wasn’t funny, it was painfully unfunny. Maybe good for a few laughs, but nowhere near as successful a comedy as it could and should have been.

4th Best: Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Star Wars happens. Rey trains in the Force with Luke, Finn, Poe, Leia and the rest of the Resistance try not to die, Kylo Ren tries to make them die, it’s all very Star Wars. And it’s good Star Wars, pulling a great number of subversions of overdone Star Wars ideas, and combining enough Original Trilogy familiarity with it’s own originality to produce a great movie. The best Star Wars we’ve had in a long time to be perfectly honest. Carries on the franchise nicely and provides plenty of hope for the future.

4th Worst: The Dark Tower

A Gunslinger and a Man in Black spend a movie trying to kill each other, while psychic child Jake tags along with a Gunslinger to stop the universe from ending. I kinda wish the kid wasn’t there. Nothing against the actor, but the character detracted from the interesting part of the movie, which was the Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey shooting each other. Unfortunately, said kid was the focus of the movie. Mostly it’s just kinda boring. There’s not a great deal to say about it, because so little feels like it happened. Which is not the route you want to go in a movie where the entire universe is literally being destroyed.

3rd Best: Thor: Ragnarok

Thor and Loki team up again to fight Hela, Goddess of Death. They lose badly and end up on a mostly lawless planet, where Thor meets up with the Hulk, and starts putting together a team to give murdering Hela another shot. I keep hearing different numbers, but apparently a good amount of this movie’s dialogue was improvised, and it feels like it in the best possible way. The jokes, comedic timing, and character interactions are absolutely perfect and wonderful. It doesn’t even try to take itself seriously, and yet still tells an engaging story while being so funny it hurts sometimes.

3rd Worst: Assassin’s Creed

This came out 1st January 2017 in the UK. I’m counting it because this movie sucks. Callum Lynch is executed, and later wakes up to find himself imprisoned by the Abstergo Corporation, who want to use his “genetic memory” to find an artefact that will allow them to take over the world. For something with world-ending stakes, not a lot seemed to happen. Sound familiar? Again, this just turned out being not very interesting for much of the runtime. It’s boring, the plot makes little sense, every character is an asshole, the climax is so underwhelming I didn’t believe the movie was over initially, and it’s just a drag to get through.

2nd Best: The Disaster Artist

Actors Greg Sestero and the indescribable Tommy Wiseau find little success in getting movie roles, so they decide to make their own movie. Called The Room. The rest is history. James Franco’s impression of Tommy Wiseau is scarily uncanny at times, which is what holds up the movie’s comedy because the antics of that man are a sight to behold. The rest of the movie is held together by Dave Franco’s inspired performance as Sestero and the shockingly inspirational themes. If you are a fan of The Room this is a must see. If you are not a fan of The Room, go see The Room, and then see this one.

2nd Worst: American Assassin

Mitch Rapp wants to get revenge on some undefined terrorists, and so joins a super-secret unit of highly trained soldiers dedicated to...taking out terrorists I guess, it isn’t very clear or memorable. The main problem with this movie is the main character: namely, that he’s an idiot who thinks he’s a badass, and unfortunately the movie agrees with him. He constantly does stupid, reckless things that should get him killed, but don’t because he’s the main character. Other than that, it’s a pretty generic action movie with nothing new about it. If it had been about all the ways the main character died because of his stupidity, it would be a much better movie.

Best: Blade Runner 2049

Replicant Blade Runner K stumbles across a secret that could ignite a war between humans and Replicants. He and his holographic partner Joi must make the decision to destroy evidence of the secret, or ignite the spark of revolution. This movie was as perfect a sequel to Blade Runner as we were ever going to get. It looks beautiful, the plot plays out in fantastic style, the characters are all interesting, and the themes and ideas presented are just flawless. This is the best movie I have seen in many, many years, and stands a good chance of being one of my favourite movies ever, if not top of that list.

Worst: Fifty Shades Darker

Anastasia Steele, after making the best decision of her life and breaking up with Christian Grey, completely goes back on that and gets back together with him on the promise that he’ll be better and stuff. Not much else happens. What do I need to say? It’s Fifty Shades: the second one. That name has become synonymous with zero plot, terrible and terribly-written characters, bad pacing, stale writing, and just overall nothing interesting beyond the flat sex scenes. Even if it is much less reprehensible than the first movie, that does not by any stretch make it good, and it is really, really not. This movie should be avoided at any cost.

my thoughts on the batman and harley quinn movie

so i’ve just finished watching the latest dc animated movie, batman and harley quinn, and you’ve probably already heard it’s a pretty polarising movie. when it was over i didn’t really know how to feel. overall i’d say it wasn’t great and from a critical perspective it was absolutely awful, but personally i still enjoyed certain aspects... i made some notes???

the good

the animated series art style looked really nice here, especially since high definition has made it look a lot more refined and smooth (the coloring for harley’s shiny lipstick was one small thing that i thought looked super duper cool)

kevin conroy is, as always, a fantastic batman, and i also quite liked the new voice actress for ivy, paget brewster

the few jokes which are actually funny are REALLY funny- in particular, i loved the booster gold phone call scene and harley’s breakdown over the ‘veggie apocalypse’

harley’s characterisation is pretty decent, and i appreciated that she got to stand up for herself and show that she can be smart and strategic whilst also being ridiculous most of the time... she gets to complain about how she’s been treated before too and how oversexualised she often is, which is a nice touch, although it doesn’t really make sense in the context of this particular film where she’s oversexualised anyway

there are some nice character building moments for harley, like when she discusses how difficult it’s been for her to reform and ‘go straight’ because nobody actually wants to help her be better. i loved that the film took into consideration what life would actually be like if harley really did try to turn her life around.

the opening credits are absolutely ADORABLE and god i love them so much... they’re the best part of the entire film which is unfortunate but like they’re so good!!!

plenty of easter eggs pop up throughout the film, mostly related to the animated dc universe, which is cool for dedicated fans to see!

harley goes through a few awesome costume changes, including a new 52-style dress, a really cute coat with her hair in bunches, and the classic jester costume which looks great (except the collar looks a little off sometimes)- i was so happy to see the blonde pigtails back because they are SO GOOD

there’s no explicit mention of harlivy here (of course) but there’s also no joker whatsoever, except for one brilliant passing line where harley mentions the “only good thing I ever got from that asshat” was joker venom. also the ending features a very sweet reconciliation between harley and ivy that i thought was wonderful!

the bad

melissa rauch is... a truly awful harley quinn... she doesn’t make the role FUN. she says everything in a snarky, oversaturated, whiney brooklyn accent and she’s missing that sing-songy sound that makes harley HARLEY, so we’re left with a character who’s supposed to be the life of the party that instead just sounds permanently pissed

the animation looks BAD. characters don’t blink, and they usually don’t move unless they’re talking either, plus background characters are almost always motionless- when characters are moving, it looks stiff and awkward, and a lot worse than even the 90s show this film is paying tribute to, which is a real shame

as for the storyline, the btas episode ‘harlequinade’ did it so much better, and this is essentially a very drawn-out version of that plot line, replacing the villain of joker with poison ivy instead

there are a lot of issues with the tone of the movie- it jumps around from stupid, flamboyant comedy, to serious and mature, to choppy action movie. it doesn’t sit well in any genre or with any audience. i think dc tried to please every type of batman/harley fan here and it results in a serious mishmash that i don’t think really pleases anybody.

the film is super short, clocking in at barely seventy minutes, and yet it’s still jam packed with filler content. i recall one bizarrely long segment where random people off the street were asked of harley’s whereabouts, all giving fairly generic replies and all saying “no”, and this scene went for at least an entire minute

most of the humour is frankly unfunny. i’m jotting down the worst line in the whole movie as the line “it’s not bad... smells like discipline”, spoken by batman when harley farts. it’s childish humour which doesn’t even make sense- an extended scene where harley farts! that’s the entire joke! it’s stupid and pathetic, and it makes it even more polarising when one minute the humour is bathroom jokes for toddlers, then the next it’s crass comedy about how nightwing got a boner. yep, that’s another joke that actually happens.

nightwing and harley sleep together and it’s not exactly non-consensual, but it also didn’t come off as a very positive thing ever because nightwing kind of agreed but not really and it just wasn’t great and also it’s just classic bruce timm again feeling the need to make random characters from your childhood have sex so he can get himself off i guess

even though harley gets to talk about how guys are always taking advantage of her body, which is cool, this movie pulls out all the stops on oversexualising her anyway! think many, MANY shots of her ass, plenty of focus on the fact she does in fact have boobs, and of course bruce timm’s insistence that she randomly straddle nightwing so they can have sex

swamp thing appears at the end and i felt like i was missing a big joke the entire time. was this a reference to something? was it some kind of humour i didn’t understand? honestly, i just think it was supposed to be funny that he appeared out of the blue, but it wasn’t?

the strange and uncertain

harley sings ‘hanging on the telephone’ by blondie? for no apparent reason? it’s clearly filler, and it sounds fucking awful (thanks melissa rauch), but somehow i still thought it was kinda cool even though it felt extremely out of place and really served... no purpose whatsoever

actually most of the bar scene is really weird, harley gets her random musical number but so do some other c-grade villains from other dc shows you’ll spot if you’re a huge fan of the animated universe, it’s filler again but i think people will appreciate the little easter eggs in what is mostly an okay, fun scene

harley works at ‘superbabes’, which is pretty much the dc universe equivalent of hooters but instead the waitresses all dress up skimpily like female superheroes... at first i thought that was just more bruce timm bullshit but when they delved into WHY harley couldn’t get a decent job, i appreciated this scene a lot more

i don’t know how to feel about ivy’s overall characterisation in this because she was very restricted by jason woodrue, and she also had SERIOUS punch up with her GIRLFRIEND hhh... but the fight was justified i guess and the resolution is really nice... i’m very torn over ivy’s portrayal really and i think it’s something everyone will react to differently (she did use a lot of language i don’t think pam would use e/g i can’t imagine her saying ‘crap’ and ‘we’re screwed’ but she does anyway... not sure why but it just really doesn’t sound right for her?)

loren lester is supposed to be the Iconic nightwing but he sounds stupid in comparison to melissa rauch as harley, especially since his voice takes you back to the 90s and most of this film is fairly rooted in the now. i love that this movie is such a throwback to btas but in this case, i’m not sure loren lester was the best fit

the ending is extremely abrupt and mostly played for laughs, which a lot of people don’t like, but i actually didn’t mind it? i thought it was really funny and cute and a pretty fair resolution to the problem (basically harley just suggests they take the easy way out and set the Floronic Man on fire, because hey, he’s made out of leaves right?) the aftercredits scene was the bigger problem imo because it had no connection to anything in the film, wasn’t all that funny and didn’t seem to have any purpose (although i could say that about most of this movie tbh)

ultimately for some reason i still enjoyed this movie, and i’d probably watch it again, but it had a lot of issues and i wish it could have been the movie harley deserves. also i never want to hear melissa rauch as harley again. if you’re a big harley fan, i’d recommend giving this a watch, because there are some cool moments, but otherwise, give it a miss.

MST3K: The Return: Thoughts

So, I finally finished Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return on Netflix today. My thoughts are as such - And be warned, there be spoilers here.

Things I liked (essentially everything):

One of the things I was worried about most, the cast, is great. I've come to really like Jonah, I absolutely love Kinga and Max. Hampton Yount and Baron Vaughn do a great job as Crow and Servo (though I ultimately prefer Hampton/Crow, who sounds like a younger Trace). It was great seeing Pearl, Bobo, and Brain Guy again as well. I actually liked Growler and even kinda hope he sticks around. It'd be interesting to see a new Bot on the Satellite, interacting with the main three. We've gotten new hosts and Mads before, but never a new Bot. It could be an interesting dynamic. Heck, bring Waverly back, too. He could be the "Kenny" and be killed off by Servo and Crow every episode or so. The new Satellite is cool as are all the little details in the doorway sequence. It's a little too Robot Chicken-y for my tastes, but overall I like it. For a second I was worried about the new theme song: "Next Sunday A.D., there was a guy named Jonah, not too different from you and me, he worked at Gizmonic Institute, just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit"... I was worried they had just reused Joel's theme but replaced his name with Jonah's. I literally said "Oh thank you" out loud when I heard the "the distress call came in" section.

I really like that this seems to be a mash up, in-universe-wise, of the Joel and Mike eras of the show. Jonah is an employee of Gizmonic Institute, but Pearl, Brain Guy, Bobo, and the Observers factor in heavily as well. It's a nice touch and really helps bring the universe together. I mean, I know it's only MST3K and all, but still. The Skeleton Crew playing old MST3K songs for the 'commercial breaks.' This is a really cool tip of the hat to the show's musical history. I like that most of the original show's old running gags and catchphrases were present: "Rat Patrol, in color!" "Hikeeba!" "Watch out for snakes!" "They tampered in God's domain." I think the only one that didn't get used was "I'm huge!" and I might even be mistaken about that. I love the name "Reptilicus Metallicus." I can't believe they ended on a cliffhanger my God you can't just do that how am I supposed to wait for Season 12?!

Things I absolutely hate:

Gypsy's new voice. I knew Rebecca Hanson was taking over as her and I had no problem with that - Crow and Servo were getting new voice actors, so clearly Gypsy would as well. But whereas Hampton and Baron are doing the voices of the characters Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo, Rebecca is doing the exact opposite as Gypsy. Gone is her iconic, dopey, "sad cow" voice and instead she is given the blandest, "white woman-est," "soccer mom-est", most uninteresting voice possible. Why couldn't Rebecca just do Gypsy's voice? This is really the only thing about the new season that I cannot stand whatsoever.

Things that need a little work:

I like Gypsy's "ceiling mode," but I'd like it better if they alternated between that and regular standing Gypsy. She's supposed to be going around working on the ship, right? It'd make sense if sometimes she was down on the floor and sometimes she was up on the ceiling.

Servo's arms. Look, if they want to have Servo's arms function and be able to move and hold things, that's great. But part of Servo's charm was his silly useless dangling Slinky arms. But now his arms are always those stiff, unmoving silver ones. Unless they're filming a scene that specifically requires Servo to use his arms, they should always just use the Slinky arms by default.

All the A.D.D. shit going on in the theater. Look, I get it. MST has a budget now. But the original MST3K was hilarious and all they did was sit in the corner. Sure, every now and then there was the occasional sight gag - like the trio ducking if something shot towards the screen, or when Joel "grew" in Godzilla vs. Megalon, or that time Mike ran from the car in Final Justice - but those were few and far between and didn't happen twenty times per episode. Watching Servo fly around on screen, Gypsy come up and down with her basket, Crow climbing up on grape vines, and all the damn props Jonah and the Bots use, is just unfunny and distracting. I'm not here to watch shadow puppets, I'm here to listen to... puppets... in shadows... You know what I mean! The only time the "Servo flying around" thing was funny was when he pretended to lift the space rocket in Time Travelers. And while the drones in Avalanche were funny, it completely goes against Crow's and Servo's character - How many times while watching a movie did they wish for the main heroine to strip down? They'd hardly be the first ones in line to cover up female nudity. And what is with that damn basket Gypsy keeps bringing into and taking out of the theater?! It wasn't explained the first time she did it in Reptilicus and it isn't explained the last time she does it in At the Earth's Core. At first I thought it was part of her joke in Reptilicus, but then it kept happening in every episode. Does it serve a purpose? Why can't she come in without it? And why does she always have to appear at the start and end of the movie? Why can't she come in randomly at different times?

Whenever Joel, Mike, and the Bots wore costumes for host segments, they would often keep them in the theater and wear them while watching the next section of movie. Sadly, this tradition is not kept for this season. It would've been fun to see Raccoon Crow and Servo or Steampunk Crow and Servo in the theater. The Robot Roll Call. I like what they were going for visually, but I miss the Bots' names popping out. Obviously they wouldn't want to use the same big foam words on strings as before, but I wish they'd display their names in some fashion, like cartoony graphics popping up on screen or something. Also, I'm sad that they broke tradition and didn't keep Joel's voice for the Roll Call. Now, as much as I love the Skeleton Crew playing old MST3K songs, they only play the same six songs: Livin' in Deep 13, Creepy Girl, To Earth!, United Servo Academy Men's Chorus Hymn, The Canada Song, and Sidehackin'. All great choices, but good lord, only a small sample of MST's classic tunes. Where was Tubular Boobular Joy, Sodium, Where O Werewolf?, The Greatest Frank of All, Happy Upbeat Song, Tribute to Pants, Who Will I Kill?, Stay!, Idiot Control Now, or, heck, even the main Love Theme. As much as I love the song, by Episode 5 I was sick of hearing Livin' in Deep 13. Also, it was disappointing that for The Christmas That Almost Wasn't they only played (Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas and not Merry Christmas If That's OK. Ardy reporting to Kinga that parts of the movies kept spilling out felt like it was building up to something and then it never did. I like the idea of Synthia but she needs to be used more. We get no explanation as to why the Bots are back in space. Did Kinga bot-nap them? Did she build her own versions? Did they get bored of Earth and send themselves back into space? We have no clue. "It's just a show, you should really just relax," you may be saying, but even the original show would explain it when characters had major things happen to them. Imagine if the show never told us how Joel left, or how Mike arrived, or how Mike and the Bots returned from the edge of the universe.

Overall, despite a few hiccups that definitely need to be addressed, this is a very solid resurrection of everyone's favorite show about a man trapped in space with a bunch of robots making fun of cheesy movies. Here's hoping it's not too long before Season 12.