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silantryoo · 11 months

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seol yoona (sullyoon) x nmixx!reader (angst)

WARNINGS ; overworking, jinni's departure, mental health issues, panic attacks, cyberbullying, fwb (just kissing dw)

choi yunjin was seol yoona's soulmate.

anyone could see it from a mile away. to the singer, yunjin was the only person that truly reached deep down inside of her. every little thing she did, yoona cared enough to notice. a new set of clothes, a new pair of shoes, a different coffee order.

she was yoona's muse, and nothing could change that.

yunjin was the exact opposite of yoona. the dancer had a firey passion, and an energy that attracted people to her. she was magnetic, she was the light shining in the night, the beacon of hope that yoona so desperately longed for. she was everything that the young idol desired.

like a moth to a flame, yoona couldn't escape choi yunjin's grasp, and she wouldn't have had it any other way.

you had been a trainee for a while, and although you were the same age as haewon, you had been in the company as long as lily had been. you had seen people come and go. you saw the best of the best, the most beautiful, and the most talented, but there was no one that compare to seol yoona.

yoona had joined the many trainees at the beginning of 2020, nearing the five-year mark of your training.

you didn't take notice of the girl at first. your brain felt like mush, and during certain days (or months), it was almost hard to function as a human person.

you were ground to the bone, and thinking - noticing - had become a chore.

it wasn't a surprise that you were exhausted. having trained since the age of twelve was taking a toll on you, mentally, physically, and socially. you never had a sense of true friendships aside from lily and yunjin, too afraid to make a meaningful connection. you were too busy to make friends at school, and although trainees tend to stay long in JYP, there was always a chance that any one of you could get booted.

you had been burnt to the ground, no longer wanting to live watching people around you have meaningful lives while you were stuck indoors overexerting your body in ways that a seventeen-year-old shouldn't have to in order to achieve a dream that only ridiculed you for every single thing you did.

you were tired. you were so fucking tired.

"that new trainee." yunjin spoke out to you in the dim practice room, back on the floor as she stared at the ceiling. you could see the sweat glistening against her forehead. "she's pretty."

you squinted your eyes, trying to remember who your friend was talking about.

"which one?" you hummed, using a towel to wipe the back of your neck. "we got six this month, and they're all pretty."

yunjin turned, her arm hitting the side of lily's bottle, causing it to flop over with a soft thud. "the one that looks like she's gonna cry every time."

lily whined as she grabbed her bottle from the ground.

"that could be anyone, jin."

yunjin groaned, her head going limp, her cheek smashing against the ground.

you sat on the couch, each muscle in your body aching for a bit of rest. you watched as lily gathered her things up, looking around as she thought.

"wait." lily paused. you lolled your head towards her. "yoona?"

you watched as yunjin's teeth peeked through her tired mouth.

"yeah." the younger trainee nodded, lily making her way to the couch with her bag. "yoona."

you felt a dip next to you. "who?"

"the tall one." lily quietly explained, her head falling onto your arm. "she's rooming with jiwoo and haewon. she's really nice."

you wracked around in your brain, trying to figure out who was roomed with haewon. there was jiwoo, the young, energetic girl who you were sure the public was going to love. there was also jinsol, the funniest person in the world. that left...

"the one that keeps staring at jin?" you asked, earning a snicker from lily.

yunjin rolled her eyes. "you're just jealous i'm just better than you."

"please." you scoffed, watching as her eyes twinkled playfully. "i've got main dancer written all over me."

yunjin pouted, something that you and lily had become familiar with since the beginning of your training period. it was a sign that she couldn't say anything more because she had nothing left to say.

(especially since you have always ranked first place in dance evaluations, even when a young dancer named kyujin joined two years ago.)

lily laughed, her head wracking against your shoulder as you exhaled sharply.

"that's not fair!" yunjin complained. "you trained longer than me!"

you rolled your eyes. "by six months."

"lily-unnie!" yunjin continued to whine, trying to find someone to defend her. "she's being annoying."

you looked over to lily, the australian smiling mischievously. "she's got a point, y/nnie."

you shook your head. lily couldn't help but take the youngest side no matter what. you couldn't blame her, yunjin was like a younger sister to the both of you.

"you guys suck."

yunjin stuck her tongue out, and if you had any energy left, you would've too, but the ten-hour training day was starting to affect you. you needed some rest, some food, anything to keep you from crashing horribly.

"let's go get food?" lily suggested.

you nodded, standing up as you walked over to yunjin.

("lift me up." "can you give me a second?" "lift me up.")

you were glad you lived in south korea, where food vendors sold cheap, delicious food at two in the morning.

if you asked yoona what she was scared of in late 2020, she would tell you two things; choi yunjin and group evaluations.

"yoona, you're with y/n and yunjin. sound good?"

suffice it to say, yoona was terrified.

she walked over to the two of you, slightly shivering at the thought of being so close to yunjin, and to a degree, you.

she had known about yunjin, and she had always been intimidated by her. looking at her hurt yoona's eyes, like staring into the sun, a star oh-so bright, a firey ball of pure talent and skill. her voice made yoona's heart nearly burst out of her chest, and her smile...

yoona didn't know if she wanted to see it or avoid it.

you, on the other hand, were the opposite. just like your seniors, TWICE's momo and ITZY's yeji, many trainees had called you 'JYP's Ice Princess. though you were much more introverted than yunjin, you were still friendly to those who needed your help. you were a mystery to yoona, your cold eyes that scanned for any mistakes, your sharp gaze that monitored for any error.

yoona was terrified of you.

haewon had given her as much reassurance as she could've. she ensured that you were no one to be terrified of, and that if anything, if she could become friends with haewon, she could become friends with a 'nerd like y/n'.

yoona flinched as your eyes met hers.

yunjin was right, you thought, scanning the girl up and down, she is pretty. like a butterfly.

yunjin stood up, ushering you to stand along with her. you followed the younger girl, bowing slightly when she did.

"hi. i'm choi yunjin. this is l/n y/n." she introduced, a smile bright on her face. "i don't think we've met properly."

the girl in front of you bowed, her eyes looking everywhere but the two of you. "i'm seol yoona."

"nice to meet you, seol yoona." yunjin grimaced, watching the taller girl flinch. "don't be too scared of her. her face is just like that."

yoona held her breath, the rumors about your fierce nature invading her brain.

you rolled your eyes. of course you were yunjin's sacrificial goat. "you're the worst."

she stuck her tongue out, and you flicked it as hard as you could.

she yelped, covering her mouth as she whined a muffled, "i'm telling lily-unnie!"

"oh no!" you teased, your eyes twinkling as you looked briefly at yoona. "what will i do?"

yunjin whined, complaining to the new addition of your group about your 'bullying'. you rolled your eyes, noticing the lingering feeling in the air as yoona stared at the girl beside you.

even when longing for someone, yoona looked pretty.

the lineup of jyp's unnamed girl group was finalized in january 2021. it consists of eight girls; lily marrow, oh haewon, l/n y/n, seol yoona, choi yunjin, bae jinsol, kim jiwoo, and jang kyujin. contracts had been signed the first week of the year, and there was nothing left to do as a trainee.

except, of course, to prepare for debut.

you and yunjin complained to lily, hating the fact that despite the years of hard work, you had to continue, pushing yourselves even harder (if you even could).

though you protested, you couldn't argue that there were definitely positives.

you felt like you were no longer suffering through the training by yourself. your work ethic matched haewon's, and you found yourself warming up slowly to the other girls, specifically kyujin who you couldn't help but baby.

life was harder than ever, but it felt as if it was starting to look up.

the eight of you sat together, in the practice room after a long twelve-hour day of non-stop dancing and singing. jinsol had brought up the topic of positions, stating that lily would be the main vocal, which spiraled into an in-depth discussion.

you sat cross-legged, kyujin on your lap as you played with her hair. to your left haewon lay on her stomach, head propped up by her hands.

lily furrowed her eyebrows, staring at the ceiling as she thought. "i think-"

"that's not good." you chuckled, earning a giggle from the other girls.

lily whined, "y/n-ah!"

"unnie, when you think, something explodes." you explained, remembering that about a year ago in the artist's lounge. lily had microwaved a metal container that started sparking, causing the fire detector to beep during twice's live.

"the microwave didn't explode, okay?" lily explained, yunjin shaking her head.

haewon pointed to you. "she's right, unnie."

lily pouted, suddenly understanding why you had been so grumpy for so long.

"where were we?" kyujin asked, adjusting herself to that her cheek squished against your lap and her legs were on top of jiwoo's back.

jiwoo pushed the youngest legs off, twirling her pen as she glared at the girl. "we just need the positions for jinsol-unnie and yoona-unnie."

you looked at the girl in front of you, her soft doe eyes looking straight at yunjin. you knew that look anywhere. it was the look that yeji had given ryujin back when you were all trainees.

you didn't know why it burned so badly in your chest, but you couldn't tear your eyes away. yoona looked so beautiful, longing for someone she couldn't have.

"yoona should be the visual." yunjin announced, your eyes never leaving yoona's.

the girl's face burned bright red as the others turned to her, waiting for a reaction.

"i don't know..."

"you're pretty as fu-" haewon slapped the younger girl's shoulder. "i've been in this industry long enough-"

"wow." you scoffed jokingly, ignoring the suffocating feeling that was starting to consume you. "you're using your power to rig the lineup? wo-ow!"

"yunjin," haewon scolded, slightly annoyed but playful regardless. "don't hit your elders."

yunjin lips jutted out, and you watched as yoona briefly - painfully - looked at them. "she's not an elder, she's just old."

you looked away, yunjin smiling at you brightly as lily shook her head.

"i'll bite you, choi yunjin."

the younger girl stuck her tongue out.

"so," jiwoo cleared her throat, trying to get back on track before your break finished. "yoona-unnie would be visual?"

the girls hummed in agreement, watching as jiwoo started writing. you gaze made it's way back to yoona's, a rehearsed smile plastered onto her face as if she was just nodding along to whatever yunjin said. you couldn't blame her. yunjin had a way of persuading people, her bright personality made her hard to disappoint.

still, you could tell that something was wrong, and that was enough for you to take action.

"what if we just didn't?" you spoke, voice stern as your eyes trained on the paper in front of jiwoo ('sul seol yoona - visual'). the room became quiet, and you looked around to find seven pairs of eyes staring at you. "what? we'd be one of the only groups to not have an official visual. plus, yoona isn't only pretty. she's a good singer."

yoona was terrified of you, you were ice cold. never talking unless necessary, always assertive, always knowing what you wanted.

"are you an alien?"

but perhaps she had given in to the rumors too soon. perhaps you weren't ice cold, like the winters she had experienced since childhood, but the cool, comforting breeze of the spring.

"what?"

"unnie!" jinsol squealed, her heart on her chest. "my heart is fluttering and i'm not even yoona."

"what?" you looked around, confused. lily watched as you looked at everyone except yoona. "what did i do?"

the oldest of the group smiled, observing how your face turned a bright red.

the cool air blew through the windows of the practice room, the birds chirping in the distance. the snow had fully melted everywhere in seoul, and there was nothing in the sky but the bright sun. everything was at peace, but with each passing day, each girl felt the pressure of the debut.

truth be told, it was starting to get to you. if you were lucky, you'd sleep three hours, eating two meals a day from the local convenient store. your body ached, and some days, you'd wake up crying from the pain in your knees due to overuse.

but you held it together. you, haewon, and lily. you powered through it as best as you could, and supported the other girls when they couldn't.

"unnie." yoona muttered, the two of you taking a break from working on the footwork of the unreleased title track.

you smiled, the sound of the younger girl's voice never failing to make your heart race. there was something so enticing about her, and you could never get enough of it.

"yoona." you hummed back.

"can i..." she hesitated, her cheeks turning a bright red. "can i talk to you?"

you turned to the girl, a familiar emotion swirling in her eyes. worry, fear. you knew that well - better than anyone, in fact.

you nodded, making your way next to the open window beside her. your arm grazed against the young idol's, and the spring breeze blew blowing against her back. she shivered, a chill running up and down her spine.

"i'm worried about the debut." yoona muttered. "what if they don't like me?"

nodding, you scanned her features. her eyes - golden brown against the sunlight, like a monarch on its favorite flower - trained to the ground.

no one could hate seol yoona, especially not you.

"they'll like you," you stated.

yoona shook her head. "you never know."

"i do know." you smiled at the girl - cool and calm, and unlike with yunjin, her heart nearly stopped. "you got me to like you."

"you didn't like me before?" yoona asked,

"i didn't know you before." but you were glad to now, not that you'd ever say that to her (at least, not yet). "but i liked you as soon as i met you."

"oh." yoona smiled, closing her eyes as she felt the wind run through her hair. "do you think they'll like us?"

"yeah." you followed the younger girl, closing your eyes and letting the air engulf you. "i think they'll love us."

you were sure of it.

nmixx.

an experimental girl group under JYP that takes music from two completely different genres and mixes the two together. they debuted, sending the industry in shock in february of 2022.

you were wrong. they hated you.

you were rattled. though berated for every single thing since the age of twelve - height, weight, skin, voice, tone, style - there was nothing that could compare you to the battlezone of the public. hidden behind the bright screens were people who hated you, people who wanted you gone.

you'd never show it, but slowly, you were starting to agree with them.

yunjin, jiwoo, and jinsol were the ones who had it the worst. the public had no mercy, wanting the three out of the group for the simplest things. some had even found yunjin's home address, sending threatening messages about how she was 'stealing the spotlight' from the rest of the girls.

how had it only been three months? how had it gotten this bad?

you tossed, listening to the soft snores of your roommate, lily. the door creaked open, revealing a dimly lit idol, tears running down her face.

"jin?" you called out.

"unnie." her voice was tired, no longer the bright, bubbly girl that you once knew. "can i stay with you and lily-unnie for tonight?"

"okay."

you held her, hushing her as she sobbed into your neck.

it has to get better. it has to.

it got worse.

you had hope when your newest single, 'dice' came out. it was different, much better than your debut track. you had hope.

you worked harder, your joints hurting with every breath you took. you ate less, only things deemed 'healthy', watching your figure. and you sang. you sang until your voice was hoarse, until your throat felt like sandpaper. you hoped that they could see how hard you worked, how you sacrificed your body - your life - for them.

hope was nothing in the judging eyes of the public.

it wasn't uncommon to hear crying in the many practice rooms of the JYP building. trainees around the world, ones that would kill to achieve what you've achieved, needed a place of solace.

the voice, however, was far too familiar to dismiss.

"yoona? is that you?" worry tingled in your palms as you gripped the doorknob. "can i come in?"

"i can't-" yoona stuggled, gasping for air. "-breathe."

you rushed it, closing the door behind you to find yoona sitting on the ground. her hands in her tearful face, sobbing as she wheezed for air.

you knew this. the burning sensation of your lungs, the feeling of heat spreading across your body. the fear of imploding, of everything and nothing all at once.

"too much." the girl cried out. "i can't-"

you nodded, reaching out to her as you offered your hand. "can i have your hand?"

yoona whined, barely comprehending the words as you grabbed her hand. cold. your hands were cold.

slowly, you placed her palm on the ground.

cold. everything was cold.

"you feel the floor right?" you whispered in a tone that she's never heard before. it was inviting, soothing like ice cream on a hot summer day. "it's cold. my hand. it's cold too, right?"

yoona shook her head and looked up. "unnie, i-"

you pulled your hand away, and she needed it back on hers.

"my hand." you placed it gently on her cheek, and she basked in the feeling. "is it cold?"

yes. yoona thought. it's perfect.

yoona nodded, the pieces of her brain slowly coming back. "i'm cold."

"cold is good." you whispered, wiping her tears away with one hand. "it means you're calm. it means you're okay."

i'm calm. i'm okay.

"thank you."

you grinned, pulling away once more as the girl wiped her tears. she was embarrassed, the two of you were never really close. but you were comforting. you were cold.

"do you wanna talk?" you asked her.

yoona shook her head, chuckling awkwardly. "i don't want to bother you."

"you'd never bother me." it was a truth that you never intended on breaking. "ever."

yoona nodded, your worried eyes meeting hers as the ac blasted above the two of you.

"i'm sorry."

yoona was pretty even when she cried.

"don't be."

it kept getting worse.

yunjin's parents never believed in mental health. they were the type to think that only privileged people had the right to suffer through something so... unnecessary.

but yunjin was losing hair. she was losing weight, and she wasn't sleeping unless she cried until her tears ran dry. you and lily took turns taking care of the younger girl, but she was the scapegoat. there was nothing you could do (especially since you were facing the exact same thing as she was).

yunjin's parents agreed for her to go on medication, sending her to the best therapists they could find.

it wasn't enough.

"i can't keep doing this." yunjin whispered to you one night while the rest of the girls were out on a grocery run.

you turned your head to her, furrowing your eyebrows. your eyes tore away from the tv. "what do you mean?"

you were hearing things. you had to be.

"unnie."

yunjin was tired, just like you.

her joints ached, her knee was giving out whenever she walked. she slept for two hours maximum and she was eating food that was barely enough for a six-year-old.

she couldn't keep doing this.

"choi yunjin!" you shouted. "what the fuck do you mean?"

"unnie. i can't."

you looked at her.

"i'm tired."

you looked away, trying not to cry. only twice have you cried in front of choi yunjin, and you refused to make it a third.

"what about me and lily-unnie?"

"i know." yunjin's head hung low. "i'm sorry."

"you worked so hard. you're just gonna throw that away?" you stood up, burning with a rage that you've kept in for so long.

you hated her at that moment. you hated how selfish she was, able to leave everything behind to prioritize herself, even you. you hated what she was able to do, how brave and how strong she was to leave.

you hated how you weren't her.

"what about yoona?" you asked, voice low.

"yoona?" yunjin looked confused, and you never wanted to yell at someone so much for being dense. "what about yoona?"

"don't you care about her?!" you screamed, yunjin flinching. "she-"

she likes you. she likes your smile, she like your eyes. she likes you, and not me.

choi yunjin was brave, passionate, and bright. you were nothing like her.

"how could you do that to her?" you whispered.

how could you do this to me? how could you leave us? how could you?

"i need to do this for myself, unnie." yunjin continued, tears running down her eyes as she began to beg. "you have to understand. please, i can't leave when you're angry at me."

you looked at her. she was tired. she was so so tired.

"yunjin."

"please, unnie." the younger girl sobbed, and it felt as if you were back at her first evaluation. "i can't even sleep anymore... please."

("i don't want to do this anymore, unnie! i'm tired!")

"you understand, right?" yunjin begged. you couldn't be angry at her. she'd never forgive herself. "please understand."

slowly, you sat down beside her. her tears fell down onto the couch below.

"is this what you want?"

yunjin went quiet.

"i can't keep living like this."

"okay." you nodded, wiping a stray tear on her chin. it hurt. letting go of yunjin felt like you were losing a part of you. "are you going to re-debut?"

"maybe." yunjin sniffled, pouting. you forced back a smile. you were glad she hadn't changed, it would've broken your heart even more. "i didn't want it to be like this. i wanted-"

"i know." you nodded once more, biting back any feelings that might show themselves. "will it make you happy?"

yunjin nodded. "yes."

"okay." you bit the inside of your cheek. "okay."

you sighed, opening your arms as she sobbed into your shoulder. you understood, and that was enough for yunjin.

"i'm not mad at you." you said, yunjin sobbing harder.

you did what i couldn't.

the news aired when the girls were asleep.

you and lily had snuck out the night of the mama awards to say one last goodbye to yunjin. lily smiled through her tears, and you didn't shed a single one.

lily was worried.

the two of you got home at four in the morning. the world was quiet. it hurt your ears, and you made your way to bed without talking to lily beside you. it took you awhile to sleep, your body expecting the younger girl to burst through the door, tears in her eyes.

you knew yunjin wasn't coming home, it just took four hours for your body to catch up.

you woke up an hour later to lily's voice outside the door and yoona barging into your room.

"where's yunjin?" yoona asked through tears.

you sat up, not a single expression on your face. she's home, safe, happy. "she left."

"no, she didn't." yoona sobbed. "where's yunjin, unnie?"

you closed your eyes, hating that you had to repeat it once more. "she left, yoona."

she stared at you, biting her lip as she tried not to cry. lily frowned as your eyes softened at the sight of the younger girl.

"only me and lily-unnie knew." you swallowed, watching her storm out of your room. "i'm sorry."

even when she was angry, seol yoona looked as pretty as the day you saw her.

lily was worried about you.

like the other girls, you were mourning the loss of yunjin. she can see the way your eyes dulled whenever you heard her voice, or the angry expression whenever the head of div3 suggested rerecording her lines. she could tell by the way you weren't eating, and the way that the collection of your unfinished water bottles was starting to amass under your bed.

she could also see that you longed for someone, someone that wasn't yunjin.

(and it would be a disaster. she knew it.)

she was right, and it started a week after the new year, the heater blowing in the kitchen as the stove sent heat waves across the room.

"unnie." yoona whispered, feeling guilty.

"hey." you smiled. she was finally talking to you. "you okay?"

"i'm sorry."

"it's okay." you shrugged, stirring the kimchi soup in front of you. "i get it. i was upset when i found out too."

yoona hummed, watching your eyes closely. against the cool-toned light, it was a light brown, almost hazel. it was pretty.

"is she happy?" yoona asked. "yunjin, i mean."

"yeah." you nodded, ignoring the pain in your chest. it never got easier talking about her. you moved the pot to a different burner, and turned off the stove. "she's doing well. a new company got her."

"that's good." she said, watching as you washed your hands with cold water and soap.

yoona turned off the heater, the room too hot for her to think.

quietly, she crept up behind you, resting her head on your shoulder.

"yoona?" you muttered, eyes wide.

"unnie," she whispered. "you don't like me, right?"

you looked at the doe eyed girl. "like romantically?"

yoona nodded, moving in closer. you could feel her warm breath against your lips.

every fiber in your body wanted to tell the younger girl. you wanted to tell her the truth, but it was something you'd been avoiding yourself.

"no." you couldn't. not when she was in your reach. "no, i don't."

"okay."

she closed the gap between you two, and for the first time in weeks, she felt closer to yunjin.

you weren't stupid. you knew what yoona was doing.

for the past month, the two of you have been sneaking around, stealing fleeting kisses in hopes to mend what was broken. at night, she would sneak into your room, and your three hours of sleep would get reduced to one at most. you'd 'wake up' with bruised lips, and a suspicious burn from yesterday's 'curling iron'.

you were a distraction, a replacement.

you weren't stupid. you were hoping it wasn't true.

"hey, unnie." yoona snuck in again, the familiar sounds of lily snoring entering her senses.

"yoona." you sat up, watching as she shut the door. "hey."

yoona made her way towards you, the air of the fan blowing wind in her face.

"i missed you." you whispered quietly, kissing her as if you were a soldier going off to war.

her cheeks turned bright red. "i missed you too."

"how was your day?" you moved up, letting the younger girl sit on your lap as you stoked her hair.

"i was with you the entire day." yoona giggled. she loved feeling your cold finger running through her scalp. she felt loved.

you pulled back. "i still wanna know how you're doing."

you looked at yoona's eyes.

oh.

"i'm fine."

"yoona..." you swallowed. you knew what was going to happen. your worst fears were going to come true. "you can talk to me."

"can i sleep here tonight?" yoona's voice was little, like the day you first met her.

you nodded, pulling her into your arms. "what's wrong?"

yoona's body began to wrack, and your shoulder slowly became wet.

"i miss yunjin."

you'd never be yunjin.

"i do too." you nodded.

"unnie," yoona sobbed harder, "it hurts."

she was right. it hurt everywhere. in your joints, in your muscles, in your brain, in your heart.

"i know, baby." you blinked the tears away. "it'll get better."

"i miss her so much." you felt yoona adjust her head, crying into your neck, "unnie, i love her."

you swallowed. now wasn't the time to cry,

"i know." you rubbed her back. "just cry it out, baby."

she fell asleep ten minutes later, and lily woke up to you sobbing next to yoona.

you wondered if butterflies, though beautiful, could be poisonous.

you have heard stories of animals trying to eat them, and though you lacked knowledge about the topic, you couldn't help but wonder. it would make sense if they did. something so beautiful must have some downsides.

perhaps the butterfly had made other animals sick to the stomach instead. animals could no longer eat or sleep due to the butterfly and perhaps, that is what leads to their death.

you wondered when you were going to die from this.

"you can't keep doing this to yourself."

doing what exactly? the girls knew. everyone knew except for yoona. shin yuna, an old friend of yours, had even offered to grab lunch with you just so you could eat something.

but yoona was crying in the practice room again, and you couldn't leave her there.

"i don't know what you're talking about, haewon."

"you do." haewon sighed, the lines between her eyebrows evident. she was glad most of the girls had gone out. kyujin looked between the both of you, slightly flustered. "lily-unnie is getting worried. she said you aren't talking to her anymore."

"i'm fine." you muttered, trying to see the tv. "leave me alone."

"you aren't fine." haewon grabbed the remote, hastily turning it off. "stop pretending you are."

you stood up, looking your leader in the eye with an icy glare. "i'm fine."

haewon scoffed. you didn't terrify her. you were just hurt, and she was tired of everyone trying to gently usher you to open up.

"why are you letting yoona hurt you like that, huh?" haewon squinted, the pain in your eyes shining through.

"shut up."

"are you upset yunjin is gone?" haewon continued, a finger on your chest as she pushed you back on the couch. "or are you avoiding it?"

kyujin stood up, palms clammy at the sight of the two of you fighting. "haewon-unnie, stop."

"no." haewon said sternly. "y/n. you need to tell me or i swear to god-"

"unnie-"

"she's being selfish, kyujin! it's affecting the group." she turned to you. "our group."

"you've got it fucking wrong."

kyujin chuckled slightly, trying to pull the leader away before the two of you started brawling in the living room.

"then tell me!" haewon yelled, her glare matching yours. "tell me why you're messing up choreo. tell me why your voice is cracking during recordings. are you upset? are you hurt?"

"unnie, please."

haewon shook kyujin's arm off. "what the fuck is it?!"

"i'm in love with yoona." you scoffed, tears in your eyes. "okay? are you fucking happy?"

you watched as haewon looked away, while kyujin refused to tear her eyes away from you.

"i'm in love with yoona, and she's in love with yunjin, and i can't even process her leaving because i have to comfort yoona who cries about her all the damn time."

"y/n-"

"and i'm tired!" you yelled, laughing as streams of tears finally poured down your face. "my body is always fucking sore! i can't breathe on stage because it reminds me of yunjin, and i can't fucking sleep because i'm too busy trying to be quiet so yoona doesn't hear my cry myself to sleep because she'll never love me!"

haewon stared at you as you continued to laugh, burying your face in your hands.

"unnie." kyujin whispered softly, sitting next to you.

"i'm sorry." you didn't know who you were apologizing to. maybe it was the girls, maybe it was yunjin, maybe yoona. "i'm... so sorry."

"unnie..."

"i'm trying." you looked up at haewon, eyes teary. "i'm just... so tired."

she understood, and all you needed was someone to understand.

"sleep in my room tonight." haewon looked away, wiping the stray tears in her eyes. "that's a leader's demand."

"i don't want to." you shook your head. yoona would need you tonight, to hold her together.

haewon glared at you.

"fine."

the leader smiled.

"can i come?" kyujin asked, pouting her lips slightly.

later that night, you slept in between the two. haewon nearly smothered you in your sleep while kyujin snored so loud that you nearly burst an eardrum.

you haven't slept that well since you were a trainee.

you've been sleeping beside haewon and kyujin for two weeks straight, and today was the first time you entered your shared room with lily.

"are you okay?"

you looked at her.

"i know about yoona" she sat next to you as you packed your stuff on the floor. "i'm your roommate. you think i don't hear you crying after she falls asleep?"

you swallowed your tears and embarrassment back. "sorry."

the room went silent, and lily could help but feel disappointed in herself. you were like a little sister to her, and she should've gone to you the moment she knew something was wrong. she had been too focused on yunjin to find time for you.

"it probably hurts, huh?" you felt lily rub your back, and you tried to blink your tears away.

you nodded, sniffling as you continued to pack.

lily was the older sister you had always wished for. she was the type to try to cook for you, but end up with a batch of burnt pancakes on the firey stove. her voice was a familiar soothing that could break down your walls.

but being the only child, you had the facade of independence. you could take care of yourself, but only physically. yunjin needed the two of you more than you needed lily.

still, you were like lily's younger sister.

she sighed, watching tears fall down your face. it was the first time in five years that she's seen you cry.

"have haewon and kyujin been helping?"

you nodded again. "yes."

tears started flowing faster, and all you wanted was to cry. you hung your head low, not wanting someone you cared about to see you in a state like this.

"i'm sorry you thought you couldn't go to me." lily moved her head lower, trying to look you in the eye. "but as long as you had someone, i'm okay."

you looked at her. "you're not mad?"

"why would i be mad?" her heart broke at the sight of you.

you thought of many things that she could be mad at you for; for falling in love with a girl, for falling in love with a member, etc. but the worst one was definitely your feelings about yunjin.

in a small voice you whispered, "i'm upset because of yunjin."

"no. of course i'm not mad." lily smiled, her eyes shining with unshed tears. your words tore threw her. "did you think i'd be mad? is that why you didn't go to me?"

you nodded, eyes meeting lily's.

the older girl smiled through her tears. "i'm sorry."

"it's okay."

"it's not." lily frowned. "i'm your unnie."

"unnie," you laughed, nearly choking on your spit. "you're barely a year older."

"still." lily hugged you, and the barrier broke. with haewon and kyujin, you were holding back, but this time it was different. "why can't you just leave it all for me, huh?"

"it's okay." lily rubbed your back, tears falling as you struggled to breath. "don't cry."

cold. you needed the cold.

"lily-unnie." you whined.

"i know."

she turned on the fan beside her.

haewon kept telling you that it was a good thing that you were gaining weight.

your cheeks were fuller than they had ever been (jinsol and jiwoo were ecstatic), and though your figure wasn't as lean as it used to be, you were no longer severely underweight.

"you've been hanging out with haewon a lot." yoona muttered as the two of you got changed to go home.

haewon had basically kicked jinsol out and made her switch with kyujin so it would be more convenient for the three of you to have 'growing time' or whatever she called it during that one live.

you've been over in their dorm for almost a month straight, and you hadn't 'seen' yoona since then.

you nodded. "i have."

"i never see you anymore." yoona pouted, and you never wanted to kiss her more. "i miss you."

you couldn't. yoona was beautiful, but she was deadly.

"i miss you too." you said dully.

yoona blinked, watching as you turned away from her. it was as if she had gotten impaled by a sharp rod straight through her chest.

"unnie." worry burnt up inside her. "did i do something?"

"no, of course not." you told her in a monotone voice as you took off your shirt. it was like lava being poured into her ears. "you did nothing wrong, yoona."

you felt distant, like she was on the sun and you were back on earth. hot tears poured from her eyes as her body nearly imploded.

she hated the heat.

you turned around to find yoona staring at you, tears pouring onto her newly changed shirt.

"why are you crying?" you rushed to her, wiping her eyes, still without a top.

she closed her eyes, feeling your cold hands against her face.

"you never call me yoona." she blubbered. she was losing you, and if losing yunjin broke her, losing you would make it irreparable.

you frowned, kissing her soundly as if it was the only thing to stop her tears from falling.

yoona gripped your back, searching for anything that was cold. the skin on your back, soft like the clouds blowing across the field, and the dip of your neck, smooth like the wind across the sea. she needed the cold.

she needed you.

"do you like haewon-unnie?" yoona pulled away, tracing your cheek with her thumb.

beautiful, she thought.

"as a friend?" you looked at her, confused. "yes."

she kissed you again, your lips cold against hers.

"unnie," yoona asked. "you're not gonna leave me, right?"

you shook your head.

"no."

it got better before it got worse.

the release of your b-track had mixed reviews, albeit better than o.o, but many fans had accused you of trying to replace yunjin. death threats piled up in your inbox, and the ceo of jyp had to put out a public statement in order to lessen the hate.

it didn't matter. they still hated you, and you couldn't help but agree.

the yoona situation had gotten out of control once more. it was like a cycle. no matter how hard you tried to leave her, she was always going to be a part of you. yoona was addictive.

you ended up throwing yourself into work once more, losing the weight that you once gained in a blink of an eye. your members and your staff, even yoona, had noticed and tried to pull you away from it.

her worries no longer centered on a certain ex-member, but on you instead. instead of crying in your arms, she'd try ushering you into her bed, wrapping her arms around you as she coaxed you to sleep. she'd bake cookies, no longer as a distraction but as a way to get you to eat.

yoona was living for you.

but nothing could save you from the pain that you had begun to use as a distraction. the sleepless nights were spent dancing in front of a studio mirror, practicing until your muscles ached, until you were about to pass out.

(one time, TWICE had walked in on you practicing at 7am, right when they were about to start. jihyo ended up talking to haewon later that week.)

you kept running away from the criticism, from the hate, from yoona... from yunijn.

you wished you were brave like yunjin.

"y/nnie." haewon called out, laying flat on the living room floor.

"haewon."

she looked at you, a smile on her face. "if you need to, you should."

you looked away.

"we'll be waiting." haewon said, turning her head to the ceiling. she heard you sniffle. "we'll be fine. me and lily-unnie will be here."

you took a deep breath in.

"and me too!"

"jang kyujin!" haewon yelled, making the younger girl squeak. "stop eavesdropping!"

a faint sorry could be heard from the room, and you couldn't help but chuckle through your tears.

"can i really?" hope. you felt hope. "you won't get mad?"

"no." haewon sighed. she sat up to face you, your eyes and angry red. "are you gonna tell-"

"can you?"

"okay." haewon nodded. "i'll go get the girls and our manager."

yunjin was brave. so were you.

"yoona."

"unnie." yoona smiled at the girl who greeted her at the door. the cool air of spring blew behind her. "where's y/n-unnie? she's been stressed out this week so i'm gonna ask if she wants to go to the butterfly festival with me."

"yoona." haewon closed her eyes, closing the door behind her to conserve the hot air in the dorm. "she's not gonna be with us for awhile."

yoona's face dropped before she smiled once more. you wouldn't leave her, you promised.

"like a variety show?"

"yoona."

"what?"

"yoona."

yoona hates the heat. she'd much rather bask in the cold.

Hello, this is JYPE.

We would like to inform you about NMIXX member Y/n's current health situation and her further participation in NMIXX.

Currently, Y/n is struggling with depression and psychological burnout regarding her career. After extensive discussion with Y/n and members of NMIXX, we have decided that Y/n's current condition requires additional treatment, professional measures, and sufficient rest.

We value our artists’ mental and physical health more than anything, so we inform you that Y/n will be unable to attend NMIXX's activities until further notice. We will keep you updated on any changes in the future.

We ask for your love and support for Y/n's full recovery.

Thank you.

> main masterlist.

#sullyoon x reader #seol yoona x reader #nmixx x reader #kpop x reader #idol x reader #wlw #silantryo

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