#yoneda sensei what are you doing to me
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Chapter 56. Whose Inner Monologue?
Now, having my wits back about me after the sneak peak drop yesterday, I want to discuss the “I want a reason to stay by your side” and “This person has been suppressing his emotions” dialogue on the cover. I want to believe they are coming from Y but I believe that it could go either way after having read other interpretations/views. So I’m going to make an argument for why the inner monologue could be coming from either of them.
Doumeki
• He is the one who came back, - without having a reason to - Yashiro didn’t chase after him. So maybe he’s going to confess and make it known why he returned without obligation.
•The “this person has been suppressing his emotions” would make sense for D to say because he is the one looking down at Yashrio in a pretty vulnerable position, kind of with a analyzing gaze. Y is probably being perceived by D in this moment.
•He just found out about Ys impotency so now he knows for sure that he only reacts to D’s touch. He’s probably figured out by now (if he hasn’t that would be wild) that the Y Inami talks about and the Y he made love to are completely different people. So it would also make sense for him to say that Y has been suppressing his feelings because now he knows the truth about Ys sexual encounters and sexual state.
• It’s hard to imagine Yashiro being so open with his thoughts when we haven’t really seen him be completely honest with himself thus far (and put his feelings so plainly). Probably excluding his “I’ve constantly been searching for the old you” and “is that why you didn’t hold me like before?.”
•As I said in a previous post, D wanted Y then and he still wants him now. This time is a little different since it seems D won’t fully give himself to Y until he hears some form of emotional reciprocity. But D can’t handle completely leaving Y alone just because his boss told him to back down. So I could see this as a “last chance to tell me how you really feel” encounter.
•Obviously D knows he’s been holding back in every encounter with Y, so maybe he’s acknowledging that here? I’m not sure if the exact translation is “I’ve been suppressing feelings” or “this person.” So for this idea I’ll assume it’s the former.
•Last one haha. Y looks vulnerable on the cover, and his back is turned. What if the inner monologue is coming from D while he is looking at/imagining Yashiro?
Yashiro
•After the stoic way D has been acting, and after he came back suddenly without cause, Y has probably pieced together why he’s there hence “this person is holding back feelings” (But idk though because Y is terrible at reading Doumeki). I don’t think Yashiro was even be able to tell D was suppressing his emotions during their time together because he just assumed D acted that way because hated him, lol. Yashiro thinks that the old Doumeki is gone.
•Maybe Y was conjuring up a way to become entangled in Doumeki’s group drama to be close to him again (hence finding a reason to stay by Doumeki’s side), but idk that seems out of character for Y. He can’t stand the Yakuza.
•Annnnd I ran out of solid evidence for Yashiro… (I really don’t want to give up on my boy though ugh!). I want Y to be honest with himself in this way but once I started to collect my thoughts, there was way more evidence that points to the inner monologue coming from D rather than Y.
ALSO, It’s so interesting that this time it’s “I want a reason to stay by your side” and not just “I want to stay by your side.” Does this imply that the reason they both need this time around is a confession?honesty? If these are D’s thoughts, I believe he’s thinking “it’s not enough that I want to be with you, I need you to choose me and tell me that you want me too” and that would be his reason to stay. If they are Y’s thoughts then maybe he’s looking for the same thing from D. I can imagine his subconscious saying “I need to know for sure, I have to know that my heart is safe with you. This can’t be another unrequited love. Do you really hate me?”
I swear, Yoneda Kou is such a TEASE.
#saezuru tori wa habatakanai#twittering birds never fly#yashiro#doumeki x yashiro#manga#yaoi bl#yaoi#doumeki chikara#yaoi manga#saezuru#saezuru month#saezuru feels#yoneda sensei what are you doing to me#saezuru spoilers
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First impressions from chapter 57. Thank you so much @itwearsadress for your translation!
Doumeki to me seemed clinical? Most of all. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that Izumi-san is actually Doumeki’s sex therapist and consultant. And with that I don’t imply that they necessarily have or had sex. I wouldn’t be surprised if Doumeki, feeling guilty and conflicted after realizing how complicated the situation with Yashiro was, thanks to that talk with Nanahara, asked for her advice. She is responsible for the girls at the club and she likely would know how to handle certain sensitive circumstances. Doumeki could have asked if she knew what to do with someone who was sexually assaulted.
It seems clear to me from this new chapter, at least, that the news delivered by Inami definitely registered. Doumeki’s approach is much more calculated now, he kept his attention on every expression Yashiro made. He is pushing, again, but this is deliberate instead of clumsy, and this isn’t anymore him trying to make it rough, because now he knows that rough doesn’t do it for Yashiro anymore. Now he knows that Yashiro responds to him specifically. And he is steering back towards gentle and loving, observing, observing the moment that triggers Yashiro’s fear. It was hard to see that Yashiro recognized Doumeki from four years ago, recognized that what they were doing was like that one time, like making love and he couldn’t help it and pulled back in fear. This is underlined so masterfully by the visual representation and expressed verbally later, so that it is shown and experienced before being told and explained.
This manga is amazing. All those nuances and also the ease with which Yoneda-sensei moves their bodies and the point of view. The details of Yashiro’s hands, how he opens his body to Doumeki, the shadow that one body cast on the other. This is artistically beautiful and every moment is meaningful.
Doumeki is still unaware of Yashiro’s feelings or of his fears connected with the idea Yashiro formed about his relationship with Izumi. So he acted deliberately and clinically while still emotionally involved and hiding it. There were moments where he lets his feelings through like when Yashiro said something that he remembered. When they talk like this, they recognize each other and those moments when they were lowering their defenses in the past and being honest. It makes me hopeful. Working through the pain and the fear. But they still don’t understand each other and that leaves them both very vulnerable.
#saezuru tori wa habatakanai#saezuru analysis#saezuru spoilers#very very spoilery!#eri reads saezuru#doumeki is focusing on sex only and that’s his mistake 😩#what can we do?
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Hello, I am a recent fan of Saezuru and this story has me looking at every detail in the pictures. I saw your analysis of Chapter 52 and how gender plays into Yashiro's trauma. It made me realize something I noticed when I was re-reading the story again. Sorry that this ask may be more mature. As I look through the sex scenes again, I noticed that Yashiro's genitals are not present when he is having sex with other men, but are present during his sexual encounters with Doumeki. Do you think this is Yoneda-sensei's way of showing that only Doumeki has treated and seen Yashiro as a man? If it is, I think it brings a new meaning to contradiction.
Hi there,
That's a really interesting observation, and I'll have to keep an eye out for it when I reread the manga again!
I wouldn't at all be surprised if Yoneda did intend for that. This story has a lot of symbolism going on, and a lot of layers. In a lot of ways, of course, while Yashiro longs to be treated gently like a woman would be, and while Doumeki is the only person to ever give that to Yashiro, Doumeki is also the only one to ever acknowledge Yashiro as a man worthy of consideration and respect. At least initially in their relationship, he deferred to Yashiro and took him seriously, and didn't treat him as frivolous or silly or air-headed, which all the other men in Yashiro's life always had, and which many men tend to treat women like as well, as people less deserving of their respect or to be listened to, etc...
There's of course a lot of complexity involved in Yashiro's feelings towards being "womanly", or being treated like a woman. While his step-father told him he was really a woman, he also was physically abusive toward Yashiro, as we see in that one panel where he slaps him and then observes how Yashiro "likes" being beaten. But Yashiro later realizes that women, at least in his limited experience with them, don't enjoy being brutalized, or roughhoused. He even makes that remark to Kage at one point about how it's worse for women when they're raped. All of this flies directly in the face of what his step-father told Yashiro about him being a woman, and contradicts it in the way his step-father treated him too. Yashiro might have thought, subconsciously then, that his step-father had been wrong about him, because he "liked" being hurt during sex, unlike women. I think this plays a big factor in why Yashiro clung so desperately, for so long, to his self-image of masochism. Because it proved his step-father wrong and a liar. He might think 'See? I'm not a woman because I liked being abused.'.
But then Doumeki came around and tore that self-image down for Yashiro, and left him with the devastating reality that he DIDN'T like being abused, and in fact, that he responded more powerfully to being treated gently. All of this no doubt wreaked havoc on Yashiro's mental stability. Any thought that his step-father was right about him would just further drive home this idea that his step-father also possessed him, or owned him in a way. That he exerted a certain amount of control and understanding of Yashiro and his life.
But of course, Yashiro's step-father WASN'T right about him at all. Yashiro isn't a woman, and he isn't any less of a man for having a more feminine inclination when it comes to sex. In a lot of ways, Saezuru is also tackling issues of everyone's favorite term these days, "toxic masculinity", but it does so without turning it into a cliche. Yashiro is tougher, smarter, more capable and more of a man, I think, than just about anyone else in this series. He's courageous enough to give up what's best for him in order to help others. He's a protector, through and through. And really, what's more masculine than someone who protects others? Than someone who serves as a protector?
It's just, as you pointed out, nobody else other than Doumeki ever treated Yashiro as a man, in terms of showing him respect and acknowledgement.
Yashiro also spoke about how his being in love with Kage was proof of his own freakishness, because he saw himself as this sadistic, masochistic person who sort of encompassed what he was taught were normal behaviors for men. Violent, cruel, uncaring, etc... He couldn't reconcile his tender hearted emotions for Kage with what he had convinced himself he was. Not without also acknowledging that he was a victim and that his step-father had been right about him.
I think Yashiro is going to have to learn that he can be both masculine and feminine. That him wanting to be treated gently and kindly doesn't make him any less of a man, or any less of a human being, and most of all, that it doesn't at all prove his step-father right.
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a visual analysis of saezuru c50
prefacing this with: I didn’t end up going to art school but I have done a lot of drawing, so these are just my personal notes and thoughts on yoneda’s visual language
I’m not sure if people will actually enjoy this kind of thing, or if it’s redundant… let me know either way!
I really enjoyed the saezuru notes @eidolon-azii writes, and Ive been wanting to throw out some ideas about the art bit. This is incredibly late but I hope someone will love these things with me
I… actually wanted to review chapter 52, but I got sidetracked and I guess this will be focused on chapter 50 instead!
Yoneda uses many types of shading, along with lines, to create mood. Usually, she uses light, clean lines with white and black, and a wash of shading, which is consistent with normal lighting, as seem above.
This changes a bit when we get to moodier or more emotional scenes.
Right after yashiro grabbed doumeki , we see a glow around doumeki, basically chiseling him out from the dark background. The halo of light serves as a focal point, drawing your eye to doumeki’s expression. His expression could be considered placid, and many characters from nanahara to kamiya have noted that he is hard to read. Bringing focus to this expression was a really great way to push the intrigue. We, from yashiro’s pov, are brought to wonder what doumeki is thinking about. Is he upset? Does he feel like he’s being pushed away again? What does he want to do now? Personally, I feel that the (faint) rough pencil shading brings the panel from a doumeki fashion shoot (which… he’s fucking gorgeous here, hello) to a really raw moment. It’s details like this that really control the mood.
We also see a tone shift when they go to “doumeki’s woman”’s club. Rather than shading consistent with the rest of the club or environment, we get liberal use of shading, with crescents of light left to indicate volume. In this context, it seems to convey a quiet sort of turmoil. You see that yashiro’s shading is often darker than his environment warrants… which is something that I’m really enjoying. The framing of yashiro in the center of the stairs with harsh shading is a lovely severe touch to set the dark mood he’s in while he’s probably grappling with jealousy
Something I think we all need to commend sensei for is her incredible, sensuous shading. From her early doujin days, her shading has come leaps and become truly masterful— you can see the effort she has taken to study volume, and to convey the softness and suppleness of flesh. I can’t find this amazing panel of misumi’s old man abs, but somehow they looked to me to be amazingly soft… the slight slackness of collagen loss from the aging process on top of muscle. This sort of feeling is one of the hardest things to convey visually, and I really admire her touch… IF ANYONE KNOWS WHERE THIS PANEL IS PLEASE TELL ME I’ve been crying over being loss of misumi’s old man abs for a while now!!!
Here are two panels from chapter 50 where there is also sensuous shading. In these two frames, there is a great use of highlights and shading to create volume. I love the way the doumeki’s hands and yashiro’s legs seem so real and full— you can imagine the plushness of the leg and the firmness of the hands as the light hits it. The gradient in the shading brings a softness to the otherwise sharply defined volume, making it dramatic but sensuous, which I would say is a signature for sensei is work in saezuru.
Note: sensei also occasionally does fully soft panels where the shading and the gradient are both done gently, but they are rare— likely because saezuru is not a soft story and cannot or should not be conveyed in that way
Another thing I really enjoy seeing yoneda use are what I will be calling “moments of impact”. These are composed of totally flat panels of high contrast colors: black, white, or flat shade. She uses clean, crisp lines, and the strength of the contrast is so great that the impact gives you a tiny pause. This is a moment that she wants you to see. She doesn’t use this style often, so when she does, I feel the need to pay attention. Below, both of these panels are cropped in a way such that you only see one singular action. Starkly, we see below a moment of rejection and a moment of protection.
***
I can’t really think of anything else for this chapter, but I hope you enjoyed these panels and my thoughts on them! Stay winning (or crying, because I am tired and I really just want them to get together yesterday, for my peace of mind)
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Do you think Yashiro is annoyed by responsibility at this point ? Could this be part of the reason why he doesn't really want to have his own group ? Nanahara wants to follow him and Yashiro almost seems pressured or a bit clueless of what to do with him at times. Yashiro was scared when he felt responsible for Doumeki's well being. i don't understand what Yoneda Sensei has planned as his future. Doumeki is so deeply involved in the Yakuza.
That is the reason Yashiro uses whenever anyone asks about him having a group or getting promoted: that he doesn’t want responsibility. But I don’t think Yashiro has a problem with responsibility tbh. I think Yashiro is resistant to being promoted because he never wanted to be in the yakuza in the first place. Yashiro has a very negative perception of the yakuza as even when he was just seeking them out for sex, he was seeking them out because he knew they would hurt him in the way that he wanted. He didn’t actually want to associate with them let alone become one of them. Misumi forced his hand and basically turned him into a hostage using his love for Kage. Being in the yakuza is not fun or good for Yashiro in any way. Being surrounded by men who have used and abused him or think of him as a slut who only wants to get degraded only reinforces all of his negative thoughts about himself. Yashiro doesn’t gain anything good out of being in the yakuza and he certainly doesn’t want the man he loves in it. I think Yoneda Kou is setting up a future where Yashiro decides on and pursues the things he wants. He can keep being a casino owner and keep a decent working relationship with Misumi in that way or he could decide to leave the yakuza ties altogether but I don’t see him staying in the yakuza willingly. The fact that Yashiro establishes businesses and runs them tells me he doesn’t actually have a problem with responsibility.
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Hello, I am a recent fan of Saezuru and this story has me looking at every detail in the pictures. Sorry that this ask may be more mature. As I look through the sex scenes again, I noticed that Yashiro's genitals are not present when he is having sex with other men, but are present during his sexual encounters with Doumeki. Do you think this is Yoneda-sensei's way of showing that only Doumeki has treated and seen Yashiro as a man?
Hi there, thanks for the ask! Yeah, that's totally possible and an interesting way of looking at it!
The way I see it, is as a way to highlight that Yashiro becomes aroused when he has sex with Doumeki. Usually, the point of loving, consensual sex is to feel good, so it makes sense that Yashiro is depicted with an erection when he’s with D. But this isn’t to say that Yashiro has never felt aroused when he did it with others— it’s just that his arousal wasn’t the point of those other scenes. YK has shown us many scenes of Yashiro in sexual situations throughout his life, and each one had a purpose. As a child, the point wasn’t to sexualize him, it was to highlight how absolutely terrifying, painful, disempowering, and heartbreaking it was. As a teenager, the point was to show how totally broken, mistreated, hopeless, and apathetic he was. And as an adult it was to show us his new sense of control, and his way of coping and managing relationships/business affairs.
There are things that are depicted or not depicted in all three type of situations, and this helps us focus on the important details of the scene and pick out themes. It also allows us to make comparisons between different situations. For example, by you noticing that Yashiro isn’t shown with an erection when he has sex with yakuza, but he does have one when he does it with Doumeki, it highlights that Yashiro is actually enjoying sex with D for what it was meant for, and not as a way to cope with low self-worth. When Yashiro’s hands are tied with yakuza, but not with Doumeki, it’s showing us that Yashiro gets pleasure from touching his partners and being touched. My art history professor once told us that Michelangelo’s David has a small dick because he didn’t want people focusing too much on it; he wanted to highlight the rest of the statue :)
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When Yashiro wakes up in chapter 53, he looks over for Doumeki and he’s gone. This makes me wonder if he looked over and Doumeki was sleeping beside him, would he have kissed him? A lovely parallel to the past but an entirely different meaning. This kiss wouldn’t be a “you’re so cute” kiss but a “I’ve been missing you for years” kinda kiss.
#Yoneda sensei what are you doing to me#saezuru#saezuru tori wa habatakanai#yashiro#twittering birds never fly#manga#doumeki x yashiro#yaoi bl#doumeki chikara#yaoi manga
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How is Saezuru Tori Wa Habatakanai a game changer for content aimed at mature audience – Notes on Yashiro #1
I took some time to write in the middle of a gloomy afternoon. I started from my thought that Saezuru Tori Wa Habatakanai (both manga and anime) is an unique piece that forever has changed the quality of content aimed at mature audiences, but I ended up writing about Yashiro and why he is one of the best written characters that I’ve ever seen.
It will be a long text and you already know that I am not a native English speaker, but I am trying my best, so bare with me. I have so much to say, that I could not fit everything in one post. Expect more to come, but due to my busy work schedule I can only write once a week. Thank you!
Disclaimer: There will be talks about abuse, rape, explicit sexual content, and I won’t refrain from using words like f and d. So it might be a lot of fucks and dicks. Also, a lot of personal side notes ahead.
[keep reading ♡♡♡]🖤🚬
I will analyze from a personal view the most important perceived elements of Yoneda Kou’s work, altogether with their perceived impact on content aimed at mature audience. In order to avoid any confusion that might occur due to my, at times, ambiguous manner of writing, I’ve decided to split my ideas into sections/headers which will highlight the main points. If anything gets foggy, I will gladly fragment it and explain it the best I can, later.
We’re living in an era where content is stored and shared everywhere. Content looks like a deep and wide ocean. Right before I watched Saezuru Tori Wa Habatakanai for the first time, I was looking to consume something romantic-but-controversial, dramatic, slow-paced and engaging, but with a tint of action, a need of mine that shows on Netflix, HBO or any other largely consumed broadcasting platform could not fulfill anymore.
I know for sure that too much existing content can be overwhelming. But is it really “this much content” quality content? The question is food for thought. With the illusion of endless choices in mind and at a click distance, it’s surprising to find out that there is so little content on topics like mature-romance-drama-action. This being said, I do not aim to compare Saezuru with anything else, as I know there are maybe other titles within the same tag (however, they are different!), and I don’t want any sort of bias to perpetuate and create divided opinions. Instead of comparing to other titles, I’d rather focus on why Saezuru is unique.
Even though Saezuru gives us the impression that it is niched on a certain audience, you have to hear me out how unique and amazing it is, that even while included within a huge scope of media entertainment, it still ticks the box for appeal on a larger audience. Larger than manga lovers. Larger than BL and romance lovers. I deliberately chose this term “content for mature audience” because I think that Saezuru perfectly fits it, more than it fits BL manga/ yaoi tag.
Saezuru has endless potential and I am writing this because I want to see and hear more of it in the future. I wouldn’t mind a visual novel with Yashiro and Doumeki, more movies, or a long anime series. I see it as a game changer because it creates, through a series of elements well thought and put together, a genre on its own whose complexity makes it so difficult to put a label on, which ultimately is the source of its power over conventional content.
There are certain elements that make Saezuru what it is: art. We’re going to follow in-depth and with examples 2 important elements: development of characters and immersion. These two elements are interconnected, but I will attempt to discuss them divided. Looking from a far, it does not seem like much, but they are major game changers.
1. Development of characters
Overview
There is no doubt that Yoneda Sensei’s characters feel alive. They breathe, take each step, weather and suffer more than you’d think it’s possible, in a manner that looks beyond convincing to the audience. Each of their fights will leave them with scars, and scars as physical features are an important symbol in the chosen appeal for realism. Needless to say, scars, under the emotional and mental umbrella, are present, bold, and they hurt. Sensei just knows how to depict everything with intensity and accuracy.
If you are watching the movie, or reading the manga for the first time, it’s going to literally sting how relatable Yashiro is, how real and raw Doumeki is, and how the other supporting and secondary characters are not just there by coincidence, but have a sustaining role in the atmosphere and story.
In the following section and further posts, emphasis is placed on Yashiro, but I’ve included key moments that capture the charm of all the other characters involved in the story, though I will treat Yashiro and Doumeki separately, putting each in light.
Yashiro and his past self
Following the proposed logic with Yashiro, from the start, we can easily see that he is bound to be a pellicular main character, but relatable, without taking over the role of a “prince charming”, although objectively handsome looking. He does not have a linear evolution, his upsides and downsides happening at random times.
Yashiro has a turbulent life as a teenager, after suffering trauma from rape in his childhood, then gradually encountering hope after meeting Kageyama, just to be let down by his ignorance, and to ultimately follow the masochistic path that sculpted him into the person we see when he first meets Doumeki. The psychological tools used in shaping Yashiro are not unusual, but he, as a whole character, stands out. I always wanted to deep dive into what makes Yashiro so damn charming. There are several instances that stand out about him and scenes where his evolution/transformation curve is visible.
At the very start, Yashiro himself tells us that he is "twisted beyond repair" and enjoys pain because this is everything that he’s ever known, ever since his stepfather raped him at the age of 10.
Kageyama was an important turn in his life as a young adult, as meeting him gave him the hope for a romantic relationship. Kageyama touches Yashiro’s scars in the doctor’s office and in the audiovisual room, but this stops as soon as he finds out that Yashiro was raped. Kageyama seems like the light at the end of the tunnel at first, but it turns out to be just the entrance for a pitch black pathway. He isn’t the salvation Yashiro hoped for. In fact, Yashiro does not even know what to hope for and what true salvation means, which mixed with his dark background, results in a depressing and hopeless spiral type of outcome. He also has no parents by his side. He's never had someone to guide him and warm his freezing heart during childhood. We might as well assume that Yashiro is broken from the beginning. But how broken, is it really beyond repair? I think that is not the case.
I found interesting how Yashiro’s idea of love is contoured around the time shown with Kageyama. Yashiro, after all the trauma, creates a liaison between sex and hatred, as they coexist in his mind and actions (= the famous defense mechanism). It is best shown when in love with Kageyama, he will imagine, and get turned on by a version of Kageyama that is vulnerable and helpless. Not by a dominant version that could, for instance, fuck him.
“The Kageyama in my fantasy wasn’t on top or on bottom. He just cried.”
His true love interest is perceived as complete opposite of how he sees his dominator. But even more, Yashiro does not know how the opposite of pain feels like, so he is too afraid to find out as his defense kicks in. His love interest is never going to touch him the way that everyone who abuses him does. That’s why I don’t think he ever fantasized or had dreams about being penetrated by Kageyama, which, proves that violent sex is his main coping mechanism for his trauma. As a consequence, he is unable to romanticize sex or to make love with someone he has feelings for, as “making love” has no known meaning to him. Also, his basic emotional needs from childhood could not be fulfilled, because of the mistreatment that he received from his family, so he could not fully develop that side. This is why Yashiro can only look, sink into his thoughts, disconnect from the world and be an onlooker to his beloved Kageyama.
Here I would see fit to also point one thing: the scenes where Yashiro is lusting over Kageyama are so well made. They are absolutely flawless, and they show in a few panels the whole anguish, confusion and arousal of a troubled and lost kid, especially the moments when he runs and masturbates in the heat of the moment, thinking of Kage, away from everyone.
When Yashiro chokes on his regrets as he jerks off over and over... I could literally feel dark butterflies in my stomach and a metallic taste on my tongue. So expressive and graphic, I loved it.
Soon enough we find out that Kageyama doesn’t really care, and this realization of him not caring, gradually contributes to Yashiro’s mental state degradation. I cannot stop wondering what would have happened if Kageyama would have cared enough to protect Yashiro from further twisting the knife in his own wounds. Yashiro breaking down and crying because of Kageyama's ignorance is one heartbreaking thing, but knowing that Yashiro is biased and blind to the fact that Kageyama is one guy that half asses things in life, is another. A receipt of how Kageyama fucks it:
He gave wrong signals to Yashiro all along. You’re telling me that for two weeks, he touches his wounds because he has a fetish for marks, then he stops and never touches him again, and calls Yashiro just “a friend”. What if Yashiro isn’t simply twisted to fall for the first thing that appears as rescue, but instead, he gets those signals and understands them right to a point, just to be let down and have Kageyama take it all back, just because Kageyama is a coward himself who wouldn’t take things further. Might sound harsh, but Kageyama has always been a closeted gay and together with Yashiro’s zero self esteem, nothing good could come out of this relationship, not in the way that Yashiro wanted it. If we look at how things turned out with Kuga, and we compare Yashiro with Kuga, we can so easily see that Kuga pushed for the old man’s feelings, while Yashiro stood silent and chose to keep these feelings in himself. What if Yashiro pushed harder in high school for Kageyama’s reactions? What if Yashiro demanded and was a bit more pushy, just like Kuga did? But then again, seems at peace with his past, while Yashiro lives everyday with the consequences of his past, gets lost in these consequences and he constantly swallows them like cigarette smoke.
Kageyama does only half the things. He isn’t even paying attention to Yashiro and never really got to “know” the real him. That’s why he seems so ignorant and a dick. Even Kuga can figure out more about Yashiro at a glance, than Kageyama could in 20 years. It’s no doubt, I can see why Yashiro fell for this type that our doc is, but he is not even a good doctor to begin with. In “Don’t Stay Gold” his trembling hand and lack of accuracy while performing medical tasks proves this point. When he pulls the bullet out of that guy, it looks like he does not even know what he is doing. And even without pointing that out, he could not care less if something happens to Yashiro. He will be there to help, of course, but he will never leave the comfort zone. On top of that, Kageyama later claimed to have shown a lot of compassion towards Yashiro. I am struggling to see it and it hurts me, both as a reader and observer.
Bitterness aside, Kageyama just wanted to be normal, not associated with someone weird like Yashiro. It's fair in a way, but twisted and unfair in another way, because someone already damaged as Yashiro is, did not really deserve it. No human being deserves that. And... Being looked down on and feeling sorry for... Two things that happened before to Yashiro. Two things that he desp adores. Kageyama does them both. But guess what? After all Kageyama isn’t a bad guy, he is just human. And humans are not all black and white, they’re so many colors and shades, and they have good and bad in them. Kage is just human, whether we keep a grudge on him or not. One more point scored by Sensei’s realism, as it’s impossible to hate side characters.
And with all the loneliness, and all messed up, Yashiro is still showing compassion. Why? Because he shows up to the funeral of Kageyama’s dad, being there for his only friend when he literally has no idea how to show support because he never experienced having someone care for him. Yet, there he is. Broken, but not broken enough not to empathize.
Also, later on, another moving moment which shows how big of a heart Yashiro has, is when, on his path to enter Yakuza, he hears about the discussion about the old hospital that belonged to Kageyama’s family and begs Misumi not to sell the land. That scene equally shows the interest that Misumi starts to take in Yashiro, seeing Yashiro not moved an inch after he was beaten to almost death, but gets all on fire and begs when it comes to this. Here is about how selfless and ready to endure everything is Yashiro, even if betrayed and left on the sidelines every time.
Surrounded by the disappointment of rejection, Yashiro steals the contact lenses from Kageyama, but not to make him suffer. This act of theft is nothing but a symbol for his need for closure. Yashiro wanted to own something that could comfort him and be his, if Kageyama could not be his. A lot of great people on Tumblr explained so much better than me these aspects about the symbol that is the contact lenses case, so I am not going to insist on it. I really love how such a small recurring symbol was inserted into the story. It shows the idea that Yashiro is, in fact, sensitive.
“I am a wonderful actor”.
In similar instances, he is full of contradictions, one moment he laughs, another he is dead serious around his crush. Unstable and tormented by what happens to him if he emotionally gets hurt by the soon to be doctor, he finds relief in pain from sex with older men. And later on, he is plotting on making Kuga and Kageyama meet, just to give himself a lot of pain seeing Kageyama finally falling in love with a man. Yashiro isn’t only an actor, but he is a great observer himself. He knows exactly what his type and movements will be, so he knows how to act till the end, when he can finally push himself to accept that Kageyama will never be his man.
What I really wanted to say by showing all these examples, is that Yashiro is so much more than his trauma and so much more than he is perceived by Kage. His complexity goes beyond the expectation of just a broken kid with a "fucked up past". Sadly, he is the only one blinded, not capable to see inside of himself, mostly because of what others did to him. At some point he says that it's no one's fault for his past, and that alone speaks volumes about the person that he is. He took all the blame on himself and continues to carry on as a side observer to his own life.
Fast forward the described scenes, some feelings remain dormant as Yashiro gets into the Yakuza, but I think daddy Misumi takes care of certain aspects of Yashiro, and thanks to him, they’re not lost forever. The dynamic between Yashiro and Misumi is another interesting topic.
Misumi is, well, both a daddy and a dad for Yashiro. It’s so intriguing to read everything that Yashiro went through when he first got into the Yakuza, and for sure, how Misumi saved Yashiro in all the ways that he could have been saved. He gave him a place to stay, and he gave him a bit of worth after partially convincing him not to sleep around with every single person, when they could simply sleep together. Misumi could give Yashiro the violence he was hungry for in bed, but he also could give him the affectionate care of a parent, because I’m pretty sure that Misumi loves Yashiro like his own son. He believed in Yashiro the way he was, even though he met him while he was at his lowest, being fucked by an entire gang and covered in cum. Here I think Yashiro’s recklessness, charm and not giving a fuck energy, played a major role in seducing Misumi, and by seducing I mean... More than just getting hard at the sight of Yashiro.
This just turned from a character analysis to I LOVE Misumi so much and everything he’s ever done for Yashiro. And honestly, I hold myself not to insert the image of Ryuzaki hearing how fucking good Yashiro looks after being taken under Misumi’s wing. Thinking of how in love Ryuzaki is with Yashiro, it makes me kind of excited to see his reaction.
Before meeting Doumeki, Yashiro has a few more details worth mentioning:
Self neglect habits, which can be linked to his depression. I am sure that Yashiro skips meals, especially in the days before Misumi took him under his wing, when he was fucked by Ryuzaki's gang. Maybe he doesn't get enough sleep from the way I see him at times, and he lacks overall the self care that he needs and constantly falls into the dark haul of hating himself not leaving any time for nourishment.
Yashiro is a heavy smoker, that is a detail that can equally reflect 2 things: he is trying to escape through his addiction, but smoking is also part of his interesting personality, a detail that makes him versatile. He smokes since high school, so this habit has been there for long enough to become part of him, maybe as another way to cope with trauma. Just like all the coping with trauma through sex.
Yashiro is not a monster; after all he becomes a successful man who’s got so many desirable attributes, yakuzas would kill for. I think that even while twisted beyond repair, hopeless and left behind, our Sensei left space for Yashiro to be able to empathize and feel love, even in the moment t0. He just doesn’t know it yet, because no one truly loved him. But what we do know, however, is that he always wanted to be loved.
I will conclude this post by saying that Yashiro changes a lot from high school up to entering in Doushinkai, so he was not stagnant at all before meeting Doumeki. He is not ready for love, but he refrained a bit from the gang bang and sex with just anyone. He does it smarter now. His dynamics with the other characters, his own struggles and past, and the position that he got within the group, remain all connected to his wonderful charm. It overall seems like there is no side character that is left untouched by Yashiro’s beauty, and as a result most of the people he crossed paths with, either bear feelings or admiration for him. Ok, maybe not Hirata. But the plot is so exciting, I could not even imagine that a character like Yashiro could reunite politics and affairs around such an immersive circle.
- to be continued -
#saezuru tori wa habatakanai#analysis#mine#Yashiro#Doumeki#saezurufeels#long ramble#imobsessedwiththis#long ass post#kageyama#twittering birds never fly
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Bijutsu Techo: Boys Love – Interview: Yoneda Kou
This article was first published in November 17th, 2014. Translated from Japanesse to Bahasa Indonesia by kalengjelek and then translated from Bahasa Indonesia to English by KTFfansub. Source: here
When did you first encounter manga?
I was born in a family with three daughters; while my older sister likes reading Ribbon magazine, I like reading Nakayoshi. It was the era of Asagiri Yuu-sensei, when I was in elementary school. My favorite at that time were Kusunoki Kei sensei’s works and Patlabor. When it came to Shonen, I would say I was more into Shounen Sunday. I also loved Kawaraha Izumi sensei’s works. When I think about it, rather than manga that were full of passion, I’d actually prefer manga that had calm and soothing kind of vibe.
Is that so… What about BL?
When I was in Junior High, my older sister showed me Captain Tsubasa Doujinshi by Ozaki Minami and I was dumbfounded, I thought, “So, there’s also a world like this!”. After that, I started to buy BL manga. At that time, the mangaka who left the most impression to me was Nishi Keikosensei. Her works such as Mizu Ga Koori Ni Naru Toki, Tenshi Ni Naranakya have unique openings, it made me reread them many times. Uida Shiuko (now Kano Shiuko) and Yoshinaga Fumi Sensei are also my favorite mangaka.
When was the first time you draw manga?
I seriously began drawing manga in my first year of junior high. At first, I drew a pair of man and woman, but after page three, I felt something was off. So, I tried drawing BL for the next one. Just like the present, I’ve always loved less expressive and less-talkactive main characters (laughs). But the more I draw, then an attentive senpai with good personality and short haired ones like Togawa in Doushitemo Furetakunai also appeared. At that moment I thought, “Oh, this is it!”
You really weren’t embarrassed, are you? (laughs)
Well, it’s because it was embarrassing, that’s why I’m not really open about my drawing manga activity.
(laughs) But you debut as professional mangaka eventually, how did that happen?
Yes, after that… I worked as office lady. I got married not long after, but then, I was getting through a marriage blues. At that time, I was invested in Kakashi and Naruto shown by my older sister along with Comiket catalogue.
The power of moe beats out your anxiety (laughs)
It’s true (laughs). Escaping from reality, I checked a lot of circles and opened some sites. There I found a work from a novelist (now has debuted professionally) that I really liked. This is why I started writing novel at first, not drawing. I have a lot of ways to accommodate my moe needs. I also once drew Doujinshi but due to my inability to use a proper diction, the result wasn’t optimal (laughs). After drawing slowly and more at ease, I got into Katekyo Hitman Reborn fandom and drew a lot of doujinshi for that series. A year later, I was contacted by Taiyou Tosho publisher.
“With that publisher, Yoneda Kou published Doushitemo Furetakunai which has been adapted into a movie. Since the beginning, Yoneda Kou didn’t draw one-shot but serialization. For the movie, even though it only tells a story of daily lives, but the directing, composition and dialogue are impressive. About 4,5 years later, the second volume of Saezuru Tori wa Habatakanai that had the yakuza neighborhood setting was released. This has completely different feeling compared to Doushitemo Furetakunai.”
My first work was actually published in Drap, so I had it adjusted to be a less-heavy work. That’s why I ended up switching to another magazine.
Was it a demand from the editor?
Of course I only draw what I want to draw. But without realizing, I always draw them to fit the magazine. And it seems like Taiyou Tosho prefers me to draw more simple work.
So, sensei is the type who pays attention to editor’s suggestion. When you wrote the first chapter of Saezuru Tori Wa Habatakanai, did you already want Yashiro to be the main character (for longterm series)?
Right. I didn’t explain it in the first one-shot, but I always believe that no matter how you look at it, Yashiro really loved Kageyama. And (even though he’s drawn like that) he is actually a neko (uke). I think he is an interesting character. When I drew highschooler Yashiro and others, it had been decided that I wanted to write a serialization for this.
And only then the character Doumeki was born?
At that time, the character Doumeki didn’t exist, but I thought very hard about what kind of partner that would be suitable for Yashiro. I took a break from drawing for about two years. I only worked on illustration during that time, until one morning an idea suddenly came to me, “That’s right! Erectile dysfunction!”. I immediately sent an email to my editor: “A perverted impotent man!” (laughs). Afterwards, I finally worked on the first draft.
(laughs hard) Finally, the combination of Yashiro and Doumeki who are the opposite of each other was decided. What an amazing couple that can even make the readers losing sleep.
I do have this particular interest in people’s decision and behaviour resulted from a contrasting relationship that is full of conflicts. Because there are so many characters in Saezuru, I have this excel file compiling the plot for each character chronologically. Otherwise, I would’ve forgotten about it. If I didn’t seriously research (the setting of my own story), I wouldn’t be able to write anything when I made name. But even though I got through it, drawing a family with no blood ties like yakuza was still difficult. If I don’t focus, the story might turn out like Nagara Sakugyou*. That’s why now I’m just focusing on doing Saezuru.
*) nagara sakugyou: other work that being serialized at the same time
Up until now, Sensei has published 5 volumes and all of them have beautiful covers with varied tones.
Actually, the cover color for Doushitemo Furetakunai should’ve looked like red wine, but it seemed like there was an error in printing so the pink was contrasting into it. But it turned out to be good.
Then about the cover for the Saezuru first volume. It’s so impressive! The stepped-on man! All the people around me also had high appraise for this.
Actually, there were so many things happened in the process. By taking the request (it isn’t clearly explained whether it’s from editor/designer) of “Yashiro sitting alone”, I first submitted that illustration to the book designer. However, I couldn’t throw away the idea of Yashiro being stepped on, so, during the next three days I was stressed out. I’ve finally asked them to keep my idea and that’s how the cover of the first volume ended up the way it is now.
I see! For the second volume, it’s totally different, isn’t it? It’s a scenery, but when you do a double take, there are Yashiro and Doumeki!
I always want to give a different vibe in each volume. Actually I’m also a fan of the way Tsumugi Taku-sensei draws scenery.
Hoo-, sensei is a fan of Tsumugi sensei! Talking abough NIGHTS, when you open the cover, there’s a surprise in it!
Yes, if you look at the rough sketches there were 4 pages of picture that were interconnected. In the end, the desainer took picture number two as the cover and number four to put it on the bottom of the back cover. For Soredemo, I didn’t get any guide from the book designer. I combined the the feel of the story with a touch of water paint. At first, I actually wanted to make Deguchi pulling Onoda’s hand to get out of the train, but it ended up looking like Deguchi forced Onoda to stay (with him). So I decided it’s Onoda who’s getting off the train by himself with Deguchi waiting on the platform.
Do you do the coloring with computer? How about the non-colored script?
I use SAI for coloring but for monochrome I usually draw by my hand until the inking, then I do the tone using photoshop.
Do you self-learned drawing?
Well, I at least bought a lot of ‘pose reference’ books often. When it comes to buy things, it feels great, doesn’t it? But when it comes to manga, we draw to tell our moe concept.. well, I love drawing moe concept, but the thing is- I’m not really good at drawing. I like thinking about moe stuff, I also like to combine colors (inside my head) but when I do, I have no desire to draw I, even though that’s the important part. There are often times when I feel like drawing is a handful. In short, I want to draw something that isn’t too troublesome.
But, isnt it because you’re doing manga seriously that it feels difficult?
Because I’m too serious I feel like the story can be boring. Not only the work but also the author (laughs). I often read comments saying my manga is ‘down to earth’. I guess it’s shown obviously in every each of my works
Sure, there are people who think like, “In real world, there’s no way a wakagashira can be as masochist as Yashiro”, but apart from that, Saezuru still gives an impression of it being realistic. In drawing the important men’s arms and muscles in your work, sensei has done your best. Getting into the story, the characters also put extra effort to look elegant. Despite the young age, in a positive sense, sensei’s works feels like having Showa* vibe.
(*SHOWA ERA: 1926~1989)
I’m no longer young, though (laughs). Maybe this is why my works often get called “JUNE”. Especially Saezuru, I think it really fits (JUNE concept).
Are you an organized person?
I’m actually a person who have no chill (laughs). But I have this side of myself who tend to see things as a whole, look at my surrounding then step on the brake. There is also a side of me that is so energetic in creating my own moe that I turn into a selfish person. I guess that’s also my flaw.
It seems like sensei is the type who has her own editorial meeting inside her head (laughs)
I wish it’s not true, but unfortunately, I’m the type of person who is embarrased to admit that I have a relationship with manga. Even until now I have yet told my close friends about this job (as BL mangaka). I’m not that kind of person who like to share or tell others about my moe situation inside my head. When my moe concept is being visualized in public I would scream, “Don’t look! But if you want to read it, I’d be happy”. Yes, I’m that kind of person.
I wonder if sensei’s works are the manifestation of sensei’s own self-contradictions..
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I think Doumeki was just surprised by the shop owner behaving weird. Yoneda Kou just framed it like Doumeki was reuniting with Yashiro for the first time because in the previous scene, Yashiro was at the pet shop and right after that Doumeki arrives at the pet shop. She was baiting us, playing with our expectations for a reunion.
I agree with your point of “Sensei was baiting us, playing with our expectations”. Actually Sensei did this a lot, and we, without any exception, always fell for it. However, I have some opinions about “Doumeki was surprised by the shop owner behaving weird”. I found myself having trouble agree with you. Here are my comments.
1. From CP 41, there was this dialog between them:
Yashiro : So you knew it all along? That I was after Kido?
Doumeki : I knew it since I reached the Pet Shop.
From here we can tell Doumeki learned Yashiro’s presence somehow at the Pet Shop. Now let’s look at the Pet Shop scene again, do you see any other parts that Doumeki seems suddenly realized something? I didn’t see any thought.
2. It is simple. Doumeki surprised by a mere pet shop owner. Do you believe it?
Doumeki today is completely different from the Doumeki we knew 4 years ago. In CP 37 we saw him beat up a debtor of his group without mercy. He is now a cold, matured, emotionless Yakuza. From Doumeki’s appearance now, we can tell Doumeki had been through a lot to become an Aniki, then how could this Doumeki got surprised by a pet shop owner? He didn’t even seem surprised (or scared) when that crocodile showed up and was even calm enough to pick up something to use as weapon.
“Doumeki didn’t surprised by a crocodile but was surprised by the weird behavior of the shop owner.” I really can’t find this logical.
3. Doumeki started act abnormal since then.
After leaving the pet shop, Doumeki immediately called Chestnut for Yashiro’s information, with Kamiya watching in the car. He could totally waited for a better timing, like when Kamiya was asleep. But he couldn’t wait, why? Why did he need Yashiro’s information so suddenly?
Also, that was the same time when Kamiya started to notice there was something wired of Doumeki and call Tsunekawa about it. Doumeki risked his character in front of his group member to learn Yashiro’s whereabout. Why? What could make him do so?
Nothing other than Yashiro’s presence.
4. Here is the detail of Doumeki at the Pet Shop Enterence:
1.Doumeki walk toward the Pet Shop.
2.Kamiya unexpectedly hit Doumeki at his back.
3.Doumeki was shock.
Why did Kamiya hit Doumeki? Because Doumeki stopped very suddenly and unexpectedly, so sudden that Kamiya didn’t see it and couldn’t stop his steps. This sudden stop here was more like stunted by something, that he completely freeze and was not able to move a muscle.
Why I mention this here, was because “Doumeki suddenly stunted” was very similar to someone else.
That was Yashiro at the end of CP 40.
When Yashiro saw Doumeki, he immediately freeze. He couldn’t see or hear anything around him anymore. He was there for Kido’s brother, but since Kido’s brother showed up and fleet, Yashiro was stunted and couldn’t move an inch, not until Doumeki left to chase after Kido’s brother. Yashiro then awake from his stunt and quickly prepare himself for the showing stage.
Because of the similarity between...Let’s put it this way. Yashiro’s behavior after he saw Doumeki was exactly the same as Doumeki at the pet shop entrance. This is why I believed Doumeki stunted at the pet shop was because he noticed Yashiro’s presence.
Above are my arguments of my view. Sensei was very good at playing with our expectation, and I was tricked by Sensei again and again. Even now, after Yashiro and Doumeki are reunited, I still don’t feel any better about this. Just imagine what will Yashiro answer Doumeki in CP 44 makes my heart jumping out of my throat. Oh God somebody help me! Please don't say Yes Yashiro! Please don’t say Yes!
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Not really an ask. I just want to thank you for bringing another perspective to the situation Doumeki and Yashiro are currently in. Almost everyone is panicking, including me, because of that last sentence he said to Yashiro.... But you gave something else to consider, that it was a good thing in manner that Doumeki was scared and angry FOR Yashiro due to his self-destructable nature. When I saw the spoiler of that page, I immediately rolled back to chapter one, where Doumeki interrupted Yashiro and that Detective and asked if Yashiro was alright. Compare to where we are now in the story, it does make you question why didn't anyone intervene, just once? The gangbang for example, instead that went on for God knows how long... Misumi watched, Ryuuzaki joined... And Sugimoto was very much aware what was going on with Inami in that hotel, but stop Doumeki from interfering... I mean, I get it, they were trying to get info that time, most of the time, ( and I think Yashiro was also trying to pull some Infor from Kido ). My point is that, Doumeki really is that only person who tried to Stop anything harming Yashiro, while everyone is just seem so relaxed about it because "it's Yashiro, he's used to it." Im not saying Doumeki is a total savior, he too brought another trauma in Yashiro and left a hole in his heart, not only that, ever since their night together he became impotent, as oppose to the life long effects his stepfather left him. The difference is that NOW Yashiro wants to be loved and treated gently.... And I think he really wants these from Doumeki, and maybe only from Doumeki.
Anyway, Im sorry for blabbing too much. Your analysis was really a good read, as well as your replies, they really opened up new perspective to the story and it makes me appreciate Saezuru and Yoneda sensei even more.
Hi, thank you :) and thanks for sharing your thoughts! Oh, yes, you made lots of good points. That scene in chapter one was A+ and really set the tone for what was to come. I remember even writing about it in my first analysis, wondering whether it was going to be representative of the rest of the story. I mean, it was really symbolic in that scene how the last thought bubble Yashiro had was, “anyone will do, just fill me up,” right as Doumeki walks into the office, calmly walks past all of Yashiro’s underlings who were sworn to protect him— then just enters his new boss’ office, and without knowing the context or caring about the consequence, instinctively grabbed that cop’s wrist before he could hit Yashiro.
It’s so interesting when themes make reappearances throughout the manga, except each time you can see how the story has developed. It really does make you appreciate Yoneda’s artistry more every time. She doesn’t miss. Everything will get its conclusion.
Now when Doumeki intervenes, he’s not playing around.. there’s no question of “are you okay,” because he knows it’s not okay. It helps, of course, that Doumeki isn’t an underling trying to stay by Yashiro’s side anymore; thus Doumeki doesn’t care if Yashiro likes it or not when he interferes. @neartheeasternfence had an interesting theory that I totally agree with, saying that Doumeki never intended to run into Yashiro again, which would mean that Doumeki’s actions in regard to Yashiro aren’t motivated by the selfish (sorry) need to stay by his side. So it’s no surprise he’s been interfering more intensively than before the timeskip.
And, you’re right, so many people in Yashiro’s life failed to intervene even once. Ryuuzaki is a total character foil to Doumeki. They are complete opposites, even though they both hold affection for Yashiro. Ryuuzaki even plays into Yashiro masochism, despite knowing deep down it’s a front. But Ryuuzaki’s downfall is his insecurity.
Yup, I agree, Doumeki isn’t a total saviour, which is understandable.. he’s human and has human flaws. He wanted so badly to stay by Yashiro’s side that he ended up hurting him. He should’ve read the obvious signs and not been so persistent about touching and sleeping with Yashiro. I think if he had instead just continued to interfere/save Yashiro from harm, it would have done the trick over time.. which is really easy to say in hindsight but oh well. In Doumeki's defence, it is really hard to find a way with Yashiro, who doesn't like being told what to do. There's no guarantee anything would have worked
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#Spanish #English
(Doumeki’s not your subordinate)🦋
El texto original de "Ya no soy tu subordinado" de Doumeki es muy interesante. Este es un par de palabras. Este es un par de palabras para Yashiro.
「もうあなたの部下じゃない」
もう = ya
あなた = tú (querida)
部下 = subordinado
じゃない = no (formato no respetuoso)
La estructura gramatical de esta oración es exactamente la misma que dijo Yashiro en el capítulo 41, "Ya no soy tu Kashira".
「もう頭じゃねえ」
もう = ya
頭 = Kashira
じゃねえ = じゃない (じゃねえ es el formato oral de じゃない) = no
Eliminé el あなた agregado por Doumeki, cambié el formato no respetuoso de Doumeki a formato oral y lo comparé con las palabras de Yashiro:
D: もう部下じゃねえ
Y: もう 頭 じゃねえ
Podemos ver que la gramática de estas dos oraciones en el texto japonés original es la misma. El más especial es Doumeki, que solo habla en formato respetuoso, pero solo esta oración está en formato no respetuoso. Esto muestra que Doumeki respondió conscientemente a lo que dijo Yashiro en el Capítulo 41. Esta huele a hipo.
Las palabras diseñadas por Yoneda Sensei son realmente sobresalientes y significativas. Me encanta mucho❤️
🍃Although this sentence does not affect the analysis of Doumeki's motivation to test Yashiro, it seems related to Misumi’s words saying before. However, it is a very intriguing sentence, so I want to share a little bit.
The original text of Doumeki's "I am no longer your subordinate" is very interesting. This is a pair of words to Yashiro.
「もうあなたの部下じゃない」
もう = already
あなた = you (my dear)
部下 = subordinate
じゃない = not (non-respectful format)
The grammatical structure of this sentence is exactly the same as Yashiro said in Chapter 41, "I am no longer your Kashira".
「もう頭じゃねえ」
もう = already
頭 = Kashira
じゃねえ = じゃない(じゃねえ is the oral format ofじゃない) = not
I deleted the あなた added by Doumeki, changed Doumeki’s non-respectful format to oral format, and compared it with Yashiro’s words:
D: もう部下じゃねえ
Y: もう頭 じゃねえ
We can see that the grammar of these two sentences in the original Japanese text is the same. The most special one is Doumeki, who only speaks respectful format but only this sentence is in non-respectful format. This shows that Doumeki consciously responded to what Yashiro said in Chapter 41. This one smells like hiccups.
In addition, Doumeki added "あなた", and every time he use あなた, it represents the emotional expression Doumeki has been unable to bear.
The words designed by Yoneda Sensei are really outstanding and meaningful. I love it very much❤️
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In regards to Saezuru, there's been a discussion a while back about Yahiro's sexuality, whether or not he's gay or bi (most of us think he's gay) and it lead to a discussion on the ambiguity some mangaka have over a character's sexual orientation and not straight up saying a character is gay. What do you think about the ambiguity (the mangaka not saying if a character is gay, bi, or gay for you) mangaka's have for characters since labels can be a good thing for some people/
I recently heard someone say “you shouldn’t assume someone’s sexuality!” And my reaction was “PREACH!!” :D
Honestly, idc about his sexuality because Yashiro is an enigma and everything about him is fascinating. In his case especially, it’s tricky for Yoneda Kou sensei to just give him a label because of.. everything that happened. As for the ambiguity regarding sexuality of characters in manga... tbh I don’t understand why it matters? Some mangaka choose to keep it vague cause ultimately it all comes down to their own preferences and ideas for their story. They will mention it clearly if they think it’s relevant and necessary for the audience to understand their work? Also I believe that for something to be considered “normal”, it has to be treated as such. Maybe that’s also their objective?
I put saezuru on hold a while ago because it was too depressing and it gave me anxiety. However I’m following the spoilers closely so I know what’s going on at least. While we’re on this topic, imma link you to two absolutely incredible posts (about Yashiro’s sexuality) which more people should read imo: Post1; Post2
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A3! Event: Harugaoka Quartet Chapter 10 Translation
It’s show time! Heads up on the characters:
Ennis: Citron
Youta: Masumi
Yuu: Sakuya
Katsumi: Tsuzuru
Machida: Itaru
Toujou: Chikage
Izumi: (The play is set in Private Harugaoka Music School, the best boarding school for music in the country….)
Machida: “Saionji, why don’t you participate in the school’s chamber music competition?”
Ennis: “Me? Why?”
Machida: “Why, you ask? You’re also one of the students in this school, you know.”
Ennis: “I don’t have any interest in chamber music.”
Machida: “Well, don’t say that. To tell you the truth, there are some guys troubled because one of their violinists has to miss out on the competition due to injury.”
“You’re not preparing for any competition right now, yes? Why don’t you go help them?”
Ennis: “Only if the others are competent.”
Machida: “There’s also the school’s solo competition held at the same time, after all, huh. Well, they are fairly competent….”
Ennis: “...All right, I’ll help out.”
Machida: “Huh, really?”
Ennis: “Why are you surprised when you’re the one asking?”
Machida: “No, I actually just gave it a try and asked you. I appreciate that. I’ll contact Katsumi Hino from the third year—he’s the coordinator.”
Katsumi: “To think that the emperor will really join our chamber music….”
Ennis: “...And you are?”
Katsumi: “Oh, so you don’t know? I am Katsumi Hino from viola major. You accepted to be the pinch-hitter for the upcoming chamber music competition, right?”
Ennis: “Yes. I’m Ennis Saionji.”
Katsumi: “Everyone knows your name even if you don’t give it out. I’ll introduce you to the others, come with me.”
Youta: “I’m the first violin, Youta Mukai. I’m in first year.”
Ennis: “The first year is the first violin?”
Katsumi: “He came on top among the first years during enrollment, in addition to having promising future.”
Yuu: “Uhh, I’m in charge of the cello, Yuu Yoneda. I’m in the same year as Youta.”
“Uh, I love Saionji-san’s performance! I went to listen to your performance at the final selection for the competition——.”
Ennis: “I’ll be the first violin.”
Youta: “Huh?”
Ennis: “That’s obvious, right? It’s only appropriate for me to be taking the role, and I don’t have any interest in taking charge of other things beside the first violin.”
Katsumi: “Ah… But we already started practicing…”
Youta: “.....All right.”
Katsumi: “Huh? You’re really okay with that?”
Youta: “I don’t mind.”
Ennis: “What’s the song?”
Katsumi: “Haydn’s ‘String Quartet, Op. 74’.”
Ennis: “‘Knight’, huh…. The first violin stands out too much, and to make matters worse, the others who are already inconspicuous don’t stand out even more. That’s reckless.”
“If you do it at all, I think we can play Mozart’s ‘Spring’.”
Youta: “Huh……….?”
Katsumi: “No, but, we’ve already——.”
Ennis: “You should be able to play songs at this level right away. Will you please prepare the score?”
Yuu: “.....Eh!? Ah, m-me!?”
Ennis: “Do it quick.”
Yuu: “Ye-yes!”
Youta: “.....”
Katsumi: “As expected of Saionji….”
Ennis: “Let’s try playing the song lightly.”
Yuu: “Eh? Just by first look?”
Katsumi: “Are you for real….”
Youta: “*sigh*...”
Ennis: “.....”
“.....”
Audience A: ——.
Audience B: Eh…. Is he playing it live?
Izumi: (The audience is surprised since they didn’t think we’d be performing for real.)
(This is the highlight of the musical part… The audience is immediately drawn in just by listening to this live performance.)
(Moreover, his performance sounds more cold than the time when he played for Prince Tangerine. The tone on the other parts also sounds like something that he plays without emotion…)
(The only one who can change such emotion for the musical part is Citron-kun.)
Youta: ——.
Katsumi: (Amazing….)
Youta: (This sound is…. too overwhelming.)
Yuu: (This is the emperor’s music….! It sounds like it will swallow you in.)
Izumi: (Masumi-kun is as good as usual. He manages to express how Youta gets really into Ennis’ rendition well.)
(Tsuzuru-kun and Sakuya-kun’s casting is also perfect. They don’t look out of place even when standing next to Citron-kun and the others.)
Ennis: “....Any objection is out of the question.”
Katsumi: “Give me a break. It’s impossible for us to be able to play like you.”
Ennis: “You can, with practice.”
Youta: “...”
Ennis: “——.”
Youta: “——Ennis-senpai, please hold back a little bit. Everyone can’t follow you.”
Ennis: “Then, you should make an effort so that you can follow me.”
Youta: “....”
Katsumi: “We wouldn’t suffer if we could do that.”
Ennis: “Cello, you’ve been off-beat since the 43rd bar.”
Yuu: “Ah, I’m sorry….!”
Ennis: “Overall, your performance hurts my ear.”
Youta: “What——.”
Katsumi: “Ah—…..”
Yuu: “I’m sorry….”
Toujou: “You don’t have to say it like that, Saionji. This much will do for today.”
Ennis: “.....”
Yuu: “Uh, Ennis-senpai——.”
Ennis: “I’ll take my leave.”
Yuu: “....”
Izumi: (Not only the musical part, but how Citron-kun executes Ennis’ aloof personality in the play also looks very good.)
(It reminds me of the Citron-kun that I saw when he was a crown prince in Zahra. Maybe this is also a side of Citron.)
Katsumi: “Just as I thought, asking the emperor to perform chamber music is impossible.”
Youta: “I can’t team up with someone who doesn’t feel like coordinating.”
Toujou: “Hmmm, this is bad.”
Yuu: “I shall withdraw from this competition.”
Youta: “Huh!? What are you saying? We’ve promised to perform together.”
Yuu: “But I’m slowing you guys down.”
Youta: “If this is about Ennis-senpai, the one who should be dropping out is senpai.”
Yuu: “Ennis-senpai’s skill is the real deal—It’s perfect. Compared to me who can’t match your rhythm, I’m bad.”
Youta: “——.”
Yuu: “Youta? Where are you——.”
Katsumi: “Hmm, are the two freshmen absent? Well, the practice is dismissed for today. Good work.”
Ennis: “....”
Toujou: “Huh? Is it only you, Saionji?”
Ennis: “I was told that my play sounded lonely.”
Toujou: “Lonely?”
Ennis: “It was the first time someone said it to me. My performance has always been perfect. I never think it’s lacking something.”
Toujou: “You cannot play a song with one violin when it is meant to be played by a quartet at the very least.”
“Don’t you think that it is the only thing “lacking” in your performance, Saionji?”
Ennis: “....”
Izumi: (The adult group has also been given specific roles; they are supporting the performance well with their relaxed acting.)
Youta: “Yuu? If you’re practicing, it’s——.”
Ennis: “....”
Youta: “Ennis-senpai….”
Ennis: “Why did you not show up to practice?”
Youta: “You don’t even need me, right?”
Ennis: “A quartet song won’t be completed with one violin.”
Youta: “——.”
“....Got it. It’ll be alright if I show up to practice, right, If I show up. But please apologize to Yuu before that.”
Ennis: “Why do I have to do that? I’ve never done something that I need to apologize for.”
Youta: “——You, really,”
Yuu: “Huh? Katsumi-senpai?”
Ennis: “I haven’t seen his figure.”
Youta: “He’s likely hanging out at that place.”
Katsumi: “Sweet, I got it!”
Youta: “See?”
Katsumi: “Huh? What’s wrong, guys?”
Ennis: “What is this place?”
Yuu: “Have you never been to a game center before?”
Ennis: “No.”
Katsumi: “Do you want to give it a try, then?”
Youta: “What about practice?”
Katsumi: “There, there. This is part of social studies.”
Izumi: (Even though Tsuzuru-kun has tried playing characters who are really different to his real self, this one feels a lot more natural. I think this is because he uses Itaru-san as a role building reference.)
Ennis: “....Can I push this button?”
Katsumi: “The emperor playing a crane game is such a rare sight.”
Izumi: (The relationship between these four gradually changes…. Citron-kun expresses the change in Ennis’ feelings well.)
Ennis: “You need to be more gentle. Be aware of the anacrusis.”
Yuu: “....”
Ennis: “Second, you need to pull yourself out more with the same spirit from before.”
Youta: “——.”
Ennis: “The fourth bar just now didn’t sound that bad.”
Youta: “Huh….”
Yuu: “R-Really?”
Ennis: “Yes.”
Katsumi: “That’s rare.”
Youta: “It’s only the fourth bar, you know.”
Yuu: “But that’s a huge improvement!”
Katsumi: “Yup.”
Ennis: “——.”
Katsumi: “The emperor is smiling.”
Ennis: “What do you mean by that?”
Katsumi: “It means what it means.”
Youta: “It’s the first time I’ve seen t.”
Yuu: “Yeah….!”
Izumi: (As Ennis finally opened his heart to the other three, a gentle smile is naturally born on his face….)
(Citron-kun has really gotten good at acting…)
(He has it harder than anyone since he has more words that he needs to remember, but he has grown into such a fine actor without us realizing.)
Machida: “Heey, good work. Sorry for asking you for something that you’re not used to.”
Ennis: “?”
Machida: “Hm? Haven’t you heard?”
“You know, the guy from the quartet group that I told you was injured—Hino Satoshi; he has been doing good in recovery and it looks like he can make it in time for the competition.”
Ennis: “....”
Machida: “Ah, and Toujou-sensei is calling you. Go to the lesson room after this.”
Ennis: “....Got it.”
Ennis: “Excuse me.”
Toujou: “Yeah; it’s you, Saionji.”
Ennis: “What do you want to talk about?”
Toujou: “No, it’s just—there’s an international competition coming soon. Please give it some thought too, Saionji.”
“You’ve always passed up on that since the genre is different from yours, but don’t you think you should give it a try this year? Your performance has changed incredibly too.”
“Well, I know you also have that quartet-thing of yours, so don’t take it seriously——.”
Ennis: “I’ll do it.”
Toujou: “Huh, but don’t you have practices over there?”
Ennis: “It’s not a problem. It looks like the helper is not needed anymore.”
Toujou: “....?”
Youta: “Ennis-senpai, why didn’t you show up to practice?”
Ennis: “There’s no need for three violins.”
Youta: “Huh? Ah, that guy’s injury——.”
Ennis: “Excuse me.”
Youta: “Please wait! There’s no need for you to withdraw this late, Ennis-senpai.”
Ennis: “I wasn’t even interested in chamber music to begin with.”
Youta: “——.”
Ennis: “Good luck on your competition.”
Youta: “——Just as I thought, you were lonely! Were we the only ones who were having fun!?”
Ennis: “....”
Katsumi: “So, what should we do?”
Yuu: “And this is based on Ennis-senpai’s strings…..”
Katsumi: “Should we go back to our original plan and play ‘Knight’?”
Youta: “....Yeah, that’s fine. Ennis-senpai isn’t here anymore, anyway.”
Yuu: “Youta…..”
Ennis: “....”
Toujou: “Hmmm… It sounds like something you’d perform in the past.”
Ennis: “In the past?”
Toujou: “You’re too fixated on perfectionism. It sounds serious and stiff. Since you can’t concentrate like usual, I think we should really give up on the competition.”
Ennis: “....It’s lacking sound.”
Toujou: “Hm?”
Ennis: “No matter how many times I play, the music that’s flowing through my head is lacking sound. It can’t become the music that I imagine. It’s lacking.”
Toujou: “...Then, it may be a waste to practice even when you already found the music that you’re looking for. Please go home for today.”
Ennis: “——.”
Ennis: “.....”
Youta: “...Ennis-senpai?”
Ennis: “....”
Youta: “What are you doing here, aren’t you still in the middle of lesson? You’re going to participate in international competition, right?”
Ennis: “It’s lacking sound.”
Youta: “Huh?”
Ennis: “No matter how many times I play, the sound is missing. The music can’t become perfect. Ever since I withdraw from the quartet, it has always been——.”
Youta: “....A quartet won’t be completed with only one violin. No matter how many times you play by yourself, it’ll always be missing.”
Ennis: “——.”
Youta: “Please come back. I’ve discussed this with Yuu and Katsumi-senpai, and we think it’ll be better for us take a rest now.”
“We’re lacking too.”
Ennis: “....I got it.”
Izumi: (Then, during the performance, the four once again played “Spring”....)
(The performance sounds different from the one in the first scene. It sounds like the one they played to Prince Tangerine, a warm spring melody….)
Machida: “.....’Spring’, huh.”
Toujou: “I was wondering what would happen when the emperor joined a quartet, but it turns rather interesting, huh.”
Machida: “Asking him for the impossible was worth it in the end.”
Toujou: “They struggled a lot, though.”
Host: “And the first prize goes to——.”
Izumi: (The “Spring” melody in the distance gradually disappears…)
Tangerine: ——.
«Nii-sama, you’re indeed amazing….!»
Mika: «I expect no less from Citronia-sama. He shines bright wherever he goes.»
Guy: «It seems he managed to pull it off.»
Izumi: Well then, for the success of our first day, and for us to meet Prince Tangerine and Mika-san again someday——cheers!
Sakuya: Cheers!
Misumi: Chee~rs.
Citron: Cheers!
Tasuku: This has somehow turned multinational.
Izumi: Japanese food and Zahran food?
Chikage: I wanted to master Zahran food while Mika is here.
Izumi: There are some that I’ve tried before, but there are also some that I’ve never ever seen.
Taichi: Ah, is this kebab? It’s tasty~!
Izumi: This one looks like fried rice, but….
Chikage: It’s cooked with spices.
Izumi: Whoaah, it looks delicious!
Omi: We have a lot of Japanese dishes, too.
Tangerine: Ah, I love sukisuki!
Omi: You mean “sukiyaki”, right. Since this will be the last time you eat Japanese food, you can eat as much as you want.
Tangerine: Yes!
Tsuzuru: You cooked a little bit too much, huh.
Omi: Well, it’s fine.
Sakuya: It’s delicious!
Tasuku: It tastes good.
Taichi: Second, please~!
Tsuzuru: You have a point…. The amount of food is gradually decreasing.
Itaru: Here’s a souvenir for you.
Tsuzuru: Ah, you avoided giving him capsule toy.
Chikage: He gave him a figure instead.
Tsuzuru: It doesn’t change that much, you know.
Misumi: I’ll give you a triangle as souvenir~.
Tsuzuru: A local pennant….
Itaru: The Souvenir, huh.
Izumi: It might be a very Japanese-like thing in a sense.
Citron: This one is from me! It’s something that is very popular among adults and children in this country!
Masumi: Plastic model….
Itaru: I expect no less from Citron. You understand.
Tsuzuru: If you only give him things like this, the image of Japan will be….
Chikage: Will the diplomacy be all right?
Tasuku: Anyway, the quartet play was very good.
Misumi: The music was sparkling and beautiful~.
Tangerine: Onii-sama, Masumi, Tsuzuru and Sakuya were all amazing!
Masumi: That’s obvious.
Tsuzuru: Thanks.
Sakuya: I’m glad you watched it, Prince Tangerine!
Izumi: (Prince Tangerine has completely fit in, too. I’m sure Citron-kun is happy——huh?)
(Where did Citron-kun go? I should go look for him.)
Tangerine: ——Director.
Izumi: ?
Tangerine: Thank you for letting me stay in the dorm. I had a lot of fun.
Izumi: I see. That’s good, then!
Tangerine: The play this time is wonderful as well. And then….
There’s something that I’d like to officially request from you as the crown prince of Zahra.
Izumi: Huh….?
Izumi: ——.
(This melody…)
Citron: …..
Izumi: (Just as I thought, it’s Citron-kun.)
Citron: ——.
Izumi: Citron-kun looks really lively when you plays the violin.
Both your musical performance and acting were really beautiful today.
Citron: I had fun too. I appreciate Tsuzuru for granting my request to play the violin.
I’m really happy to be able to play “Spring” along with Spring Troupe. I’m also happy that Tangerine got to watch the play.
Izumi: Good for you, Citron-kun.
Citron: I’ll be sad when the final show comes. I want to perform the play 2,000 times more.
Izumi: That’s quite the long run…!
Citron: That’s how much I’ve come to love the play.
Izumi: Then… should we hold additional shows?
Citron: Oh?
Izumi: I just received an official request from Prince Tangerine whether we could perform the play in Zahra.
In terms of performance, I think common culture subjects like music could be easily conveyed to people of Zahra….
I’d totally want to take this chance as a general director——kyaa!?
Citron: Director! That’s awesome!
Izumi: Wait, if you’re spinning me round and round like this, my eyes——!
Citron: I’m so, so happy!
Izumi: Hold, hold on. Let me go for once!
Citron: I can formally do my “minister of exploding art” job in the end!
Izumi: Is there such a job position….?
Citron: I’m sure the people of Zahra will be happy! I’m looking forward to it!
Izumi: Yes. Everyone in Spring Troupe is looking forward to that too!
We’ll be travelling to a new world again. Then, our unforgettable performances and memories are increasing by a lot too.
Citron: My journey is still going on!
< Chapter 9 | Masterlist | Epilogue >
#a3!#a3! translation#spring troupe#winter troupe#autumn troupe#summer troupe#misumi ikaruga#omi fushimi#taichi nanao#sakuya sakuma#citron#guy#masumi usui#chikage utsuki#itaru chigasaki#tsuzuru minagi
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Chapter 56 - Second Spoiler Analysis
Okay everyone, my gears have been TURNING and GRINDING. So, I am going to analyze the shit out of this second spoiler because why not throw caution to the wind and come up with the most bizarre predictions 2 days before the new release?! Beware!! lol XD
My thoughts are under the cut!!
Body Language!
As far as I know, we haven't seen D hold Y in this position before, it's protective and provocative at the same time. Idk, looks like D's staking his claim to me...And trying to provoke something from Y. Confession? Truth? Desire?
D still has all of his clothing on, he hasn't even taken off his gloves, what this says to me is that Y probably said some snarky shit and D couldn't take it anymore? But Hoooowwww did they get from the couch to here?! I'm assuming Yashiro tried to walk away from and dismiss Doumeki AGAIN, but he said 'NOOPEE, not this timeeee."
Yashiro is obviously nervous/stunned/literally backed into a corner. So, I assume we are at the point where D gives Y another ultimatum? ORR he's provoking him with his words? "Why did you want me instead of Kamiya?" "I know you only respond to my touch" "You know you want this" "Why do you hold yourself back with me" "I know" "Yashiro-San, do you actually have feelings for me?" LOL I'm spit balling here!
Y isn't looking D in his eyes (he's looking down), almost like he can't face the TRUTH of his emotions. Maybe that's what D is trying to probe out of him here.
Not a prediction buuut...Look at D's hand on Y's ass! :0 Anyone else getting hot/nervous?
I really think D is asking Y a question here, his mouth is open slightly and Yashiro is sweating and looking down as if he's trying to find the "right" (shit to say that won't give his feelings away) thing to say.
Yashiro's right hand is slightly raised, will he touch D? Put his hand on his chest? Caress his scar?? I'm going to explode, it's not safe for me to run away with my thoughts like this LMAO.
What Could D Be Saying?!
I honestly think he is either bringing up past situations he realized that were acts of care/desire from Y or telling Y that he knows about his impotency/true feelings.
"What you said about me to Tsukanawa was a lie, you threw me away because you couldn't handle falling in love." AHHH IDK IDK!
"Tell me you want this - tell me you want me, and I'm yours." HAHAHHAGSUGAHSGSHA
"Are you still afraid of me - to be with me?"
Who knows at this point?
Final Thoughts
First, Disclaimer: I could be wrong about literally everything here, but what can I say? I like to get my own hopes up! These are just my humble opinions and hopes that I share about my favorite love story <3
I think the confession is upon us. Unless Kamiya interrupts again, if that happens, I will break the fourth wall myself and tie him up in my basement. Or if Nana calls...but it's the middle of the night so I doubt either things will occur. Anyway, I think this is the chapter we will see Y take what he wants, and his walls totally crumble. Who knows, he may even cry again but this time he will allow Doumeki to comfort him. Will Yashiro make love to the Doumeki from all those years ago? Will Doumkei finally take off his pants?! Will Yashiro touch Doumeki? Whatever happens, I'm just happy to be here, lol.
It's so fun predicting Yoneda-Sensei's next move, I'm terribly thrilled for whatever is in store!!
#saezuru spoilers#saezuru tori wa habatakanai#saezuru#twittering birds never fly#yashiro#doumeki x yashiro#manga#yaoi bl#doumeki chikara#yaoi#yaoi manga#saezuru fandom#saezuru feels
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Side Notes. 🍵
I'm pouring some of my thoughts here. It may come off as spoiler-ish too. I also add more every time I finish a chapter, since I dont want to flood the story post with Notes.
• This was what I imagined Yashiro was wearing. In Sunshower. I find this color so cool on him. I usually see him in blue or black vest.
• I want to thank Yoneda Kou-sensei, even if she will never see this.
I want to thank you not just for creating one of the most thought-provoking-beautifully written, BL in manga history, but also because it inspired and motivate me to write again. Since catching up to Saezuru to the latest chapter, made me look forward to tomorrow and onwards to chapter release...
You made me feel alive, despite how the story is. I know Im being overly dramatic, but really Thank You. ❤️
• When I wrote the 1st story, that was me overwhelmed by emotions of "what if Saezuru will end badly?" so that was me preparing. So, if it does happen, I wont be too sad. Bruh, I watched Banana Fish right after Killing Stalking. Two of the most 'dont-read-when-youre-already-down'
Then I catch up to Saezuru, since my break from 2016.... And I was like...... ⚰️
• And yes, just as I said in my tags in Sunshower, I am desperate to see them in a nonhostile lovey-dovey moments? I know it's a cliche. please dont throw stones at me. Like, Yashiro calling Doumeki his first name. And petting Doumeki or staying beside him. Yashiro staying beside a sick Doumeki, like when Doumeki stayed with him when he had a fever. That was a cute extra! T^T listening to Stand By Me by Ben E. King. Made that scene in my head so heartwarming.
• ( // ) I feel like I have read this from somewhere, maybe one of those Doumeki character analysis...? Not the exact words, but the idea of how Doumeki sees Yashiro vs the rest of the men, I subconsciously stole yours, I didn't mean to. The idea just popped up to my head, when I imagine Doumeki looking at Yashiro. But then I was like, "I think I read this somewhere..." Whoever you are, please, I ask your permission to let me keep it. 🙏🏻
• "Will you live together with me?" was running around my head after the 1st story. Like....yes, please....PLEASE!! One of those desperate moments I want to see in cannon story. I originally had Yashiro say it as a form of joke to Doumeki, but it didn't felt Yashiro-ish. lol
• (*) this was the time I casually ask in Discord how they describe Kamiya's fashion sense 😂
And ALAS I finally remember where I got the inspiration from. When I stumble upon it again, I had this: "oh this is it!" moment.
• if Yashiro ever accepts Doumeki's request, can you imagine Yashiro ordering some sextoys, online? And have Doumeki sign for the delivery... he will have that stoner face-off with the delivery man. I also want to see their morning /daily routines. I know Doumeki knows Yashiro but it's bee awhile so.... Ahhhh.... I so want to see Doumeki workout routines while Yashiro watches. :D
• uhm sorry to sound stupid and ignorant. But can someone actually survive a 8times stab with 2inch knife? Did I went too far, like reviving a shounen protag? 👀
• On the Tatami mat: I added some original or not so original bits, like Muraji sparing with Doumeki. I dont know if there are any info on Muraji, but I always thought he's like en ex-wrestler like how Nanahara is an ex-boxer. And I always wanted to write or maybe read about more of Doumeki's life. Like he's the central focus of the story. I know Yashiro is the main character, but what about Doumeki? He's so mysterious. I just want to write more about him. Though, I know I will suck at it. And I'm too insecure to know if someone already had written about Doumeki. Yoneda once said that Doumeki was created solely for Yashiro. But I hope that has changed, because I want to treat Doumeki properly as character, not that YK isn't doing that, but more like, beyond being Yashiro's romantic pair, or someone who will bend the world for him. I wanted to see Doumeki as a flawed human, just like Yashiro.
• Plastic Bag : I finally introduce her! Yay!
Fei was one of the reason why I went and continue the story. Her introduction was supposed to be in first chapter, that should have been a one-shot. Her entrance was supposed to be comical as well, like , while Doumeki and Yashiro were in the middle of sexy time, she be standing in front of the door creeping them both out. She calls Doumeki "Aniki" with a very tomboyish tone. I was inspired by Shishi ni Hire by Ikegami Shougo. I thought, hmmm what would it look like if someone was like that to Doumeki. Someone who looks up to him like an "aniki" besides Aoi. But not gonna lie, I guess there's also that Ellie and Joel feel to them.
• CandyBox : I need more Doumeki-simps! That convenient store clerk wont be enough! I wanted to add Aoi, in a way, I thought is not force but I think I failed. Still for now Im content to 'see' them hug in my head. When I wrote a small flashback of Doumeki's mom, I heard MY mom instead. Surely she must be waaaaaaay better than I thought. To be honest, after writing this, Im not sure where to go from here. My insecurities and being unmotivated is winning over me.
• 8-9 Smut scenes.
Bruh....like I'm not gonna lie I think I did those scenes badly. orz. It's easy to imagine but difficult to write. Not to mention I is bad in English I had to ask for Googles help. lol This was my very first smut scene ever written. Not that I am always writing...but yeah. It was hella nerve wracking 👀 "sex" in Saezuru isn't just for fan service, thats why it is there, even though, I know it to myself I am by far the worse of it. The sex was a way of telling of Yashiro's mental state, in those cases he was anxious and scared, and sex was his only way of expressing those emotions.
• Black, Blue and Red : well.... It was just cute to imagine their toothbrushes being together like a family of three. And Doumeki doing his morning exercises with someone, it's just nice and peaceful. 😌
• Omurice : 3 things I love about this chapter. 1. Doumeki cooking 2. Cat rubbing on Doumeki 3. Fei's casualness to Doumeki and Yashiro's relationship.
• Photograph : Holyshit.... Uhm.... I know I wanted Yashiro to be on top, but it was like something change the course of the feel of that part. Yashiro was meant to be teasing Doumeki all throughout, but suddenly he "lost" himself. Is this one of those where character leads the writer instead the other way??? 👀
And speaking of characters wiritng the story, Fei was not supposed to returned to the orphanage, she was supposed to Rebel and stay... But I heard Doumeki's voice saying "No, you must return" like he's mad at me.... At me!! 😨
• Hotpot : I'm so getting nervous now. lol I really love this chapter though. I like to imagine how the main characters' family are. I want to write something with Yashiro's too. ( Someday ). Maybe even Misumi, as Yashiro's "father", and Asako, meet and have a glaring contest. lol
One time of my re-reading, when we see a 10 yo. Doumeki, I asked myself why Doumeki has that kind of personality since his younger days, and since he said his parents aren't the dotted type, I thought he must have that from his grand-parents. And then I saw THIS, my imagination just wooshed! That's like an older version of Doumeki, it kinda encourage me to go with the granpa look alike, than Dad-look alike. 😂 The eyes are their family traits, that's why mom has it too. I kinda wanted make it so, the father married into the Mother's family name, so the grandpa is also a Doumeki. Because, honestly. It must be terrible to have the surname of your abuser.
• Wall Scroll : I know Im stalling. But I did enjoy it somehow. I like to imagine the little interaction they had in the train. Doumeki holding Yashiro's hand, Ren's train experience was actually mine. lol I enjoyed writing about the "countryside" and surrounding areas and the house. I won't deny it was difficult to find the names of certain words to describe things, like the paper screen doors. First time I know the word 'alcove' too :'D ahhhhh the findings in google....
Btw, in my head, Ren was wearing an indigo blue zipper hoodie, black cargo pants, and ankle high boots with thick bottom. And Aoi was in oversized turtle neck plum-colored sweater, jeans with folded cuffs and white sneakers. Originally, I wrote this but thought it was too annoying to be describing everything...
• Onion Plates: this is basically an Aoi chapter. I have no ragretz.
• Four of a Kind: We have the grocery, Barbecue, Poker and Ghost story scenes xD I know I did the poker scene bad, but that's all I can think of Yashiro bonding with her lol I love to imagine Nanahara telling a ghost story, and the only one who was really spooked was Doumeki. I think I have seen Doumeki being scared of ghost story as a fanart, or maybe one of Yoneda's scribbles. I'm not sure. If anyone knows, please hit me some link, I want to credit them properly.
• Crossing the Bridge Together: The Tapestry Ren saw. It's just so beautiful, man.
• Colours of the ocean wave: When Shizuka jii-chan was looking at Doumeki's hand, you know when in anime they raised their pinky-finger and say something like they're lovers or someone very important, it's like that. He meant not to severe important people in his life or he will regret it so much so it will destroy him within.
• Gold & Silver: Because Doumeki has a golden heavy voice and Yashiro has silvery light voice
• Finish Line : I feel so empty now it's over. 😢
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